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carefully, and intentionally. And finally, BDSM, I would recommend reading whatever erotica your new girlfriend enjoys and/or watching porn that works for her. Then—like the newbie female dominant in Love and Leashes—talk about it together, plan a scene, and take it slow. (Also, choking is dangerous. So, no choking, or only symbolic choking. E.g., an open hand placed on or near the neck, no squeezing, no pressure applied.)
Dear Dan: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I
LOVE AND LEASHES Dear Dan: I’m seeing a woman after nearly a decade of being mostly single. Everything is wonderful; she’s funny, intelligent, creative, ambitious, and challenges me constantly. The sex is phenomenal—I’m 50, but she makes me feel 20 years old. She’s also into a fair amount of kink, whereas my sex life up until now has been fairly vanilla. Aside from a couple of drunken threesomes in my bartending days, I’ve had a plain (but satisfying!) sex life. This new situation is very exciting but also somewhat daunting. We have talked about a number of things—role play, bondage, choking, among others—and I really want to be as good a partner to her as I can be, but I really have no idea how to start. Two other complications: I’m not, by my nature, an aggressive or dominant person, and I abhor violence directed at women. I recognize in my logical brain the difference between violence and consenting kink, but my lizard brain echoes with the voice of my grandmother and father. Any advice? Books, podcasts, etc. where an old dog can learn some new tricks? —Basic Dude Seeks Mentors Dear BDSM: A few quick recommendations—check out the “Ask a Sub” podcast, hosted by frequent Savage Lovecast guest Lina Dune, who is the woman behind @ AskaSub on Instagram. Lina conducts online courses for people who are just beginning to explore BDSM, and you and your girlfriend might want to sign up for one. Love and Leashes is a charming romcom about a woman with no previous interest in BDSM who is inspired to explore BDSM after meeting a cute kinky boy at work. This South Korean film—with two mainstream pop stars playing the leads—shows two people negotiating a new relationship while, at the same time, negotiating kink thoughtfully,
have a problem when I have sex or masturbate. I always feel an annoying pain—a stinging sensation in my vulva at the entrance of the vagina—that does not allow me to enjoy it, as the pain is too overwhelming. Unfortunately, this situation has led me to avoid having sex or masturbating in order not to feel that pain. I have consulted several gynecologists, but no anomaly or infection of any kind has been found. With the last doctor, we also talked about a possible psychological component, but apparently, even on this level, everything seems normal. Do you or an expert have advice for someone with a problem like mine? —Lost And Baffled Inside America
Dear LABIA: “Vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva, is unfortunately very common, and it sucks,” said Dr. Rachel Gelman, a clinician, pelvic floor specialist, and author based in San Francisco. “But there are a variety of treatment options and providers that could help LABIA out.”
lature can contribute to or cause the pain LABIA is describing,” said Gelman. “Just like tight muscles in the neck can cause pain in the shoulder, arm, or jaw, a tight muscle inside the pelvic floor can cause pain at the opening of the vagina. A pelvic floor physical therapist, like myself, would be able to assess and treat this kind of muscle dysfunction, which would decrease LABIA’s symptoms and get her back to enjoying sex again.” But don’t stop at just getting a referral to a pelvic floor specialist. “Due to the fact that so many systems live inside the pelvis which impact the vulva, several specialists may be needed to investigate and treat the potential causes of LABIA’s pain,” said Gelman. So, in addition to seeing a pelvic floor specialist, Gelman recommends you consult with a vulvar specialist. You can find a list of vulvar specialists on the website of the National Vulvodynia Association at www.nva.org. “A vulvar specialist would be able to perform appropriate tests to tease out what is going on beyond what a general gynecologist may look at,” said Gelman. “It’s important to note that the tissue around the vaginal opening is highly dependent on hormones to stay happy and healthy. Certain medi-
cations or medical conditions can impact hormone levels, which can, in turn, impact vulvar tissues and lead to pain. There are also underlying inflammatory conditions that could also be causing this pain.” Even if you don’t have an underlying mental health or psychological condition, LABIA, the pain you’ve suffered—along with the resulting sexual deprivation—sounds like a lot, and talking about it with someone could help you reconnect more quickly with your ability to take pleasure in this part of your body again. “The brain is powerful and having vulvar pain or any kind of sexual dysfunction can be mentally draining, which can further exacerbate pain,” said Gelman. “So, a good sex therapist may also be a helpful ally here. Bottom line, vulvar pain is common and typically requires a team of providers—but help is out there.” Find Dr. Rachel Gelman online at www.pelvicwellpt.com and on Instagram @PelvicHealthSF. Question for Dan? Email him at mail@savagelove.net Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Check out his new website at Savage.Love!
“Vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva, is unfortunately very common, and it sucks.” Gelman says it’s good that you’ve already had infection ruled out as a possible cause. But there are lots of other things that could be going on—nerve irritation, inflammation, hormonal imbalance, something genetic—and she urges you not to give up until you find an answer. And while Gelman is too polite to say it, I’m an asshole, so I’m just gonna blurt it out: It’s shocking that not one of the gynecologists you consulted referred you to a pelvic floor specialist. “The muscles inside the pelvis, aka the ‘pelvic floor,’ and the surrounding muscuTHE PITCH | May 2022 | THEPITCHKC.COM
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