Study suggests ‘we’ words strengthen marriages BY LEANNE ITALIE ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER
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icki Sievwright has a new set of wheels that her husband constantly refers to as “my truck.” The same goes for their apartment and the backyard grill. Turns out the pronouns the Denver couple use count for more than mere semantics in the long haul. A new study suggests that “we” language used between spouses in times of conflict goes along with less negative behavior and signs of stress in lengthy marriages. Previous studies have indicated that use of inclusive pronouns that include “we,” “our” and “us” — versus “I,” “me” and “you” — are evidence of marital satisfaction in younger couples like Sievwright and hubby Dane, both of whom are 27. The latest work, in the September issue of the journal “Psychology and Aging,” carries the link forward to more established pairs when conflict bubbles, and reports evidence of more relaxed heart rates and blood pressure among those with the highest “we-ness” quotients. “We found more ‘we’ language in older couples and in happier couples,” said Robert Levenson, the study’s senior researcher at the University of California, Berkeley. Levenson said “we” words over “I” words are “part of this invisible language that can tell scientists what’s going on inside a marriage.” It’s a world so intimate and full of potential peril that honesty is sometimes sacrificed for saving face. Studying the tiny parts of speech T2
side of the table with the better view, balancing the checkbook. “The list was quite extensive. Twenty-eight years later, we have settled into our own grooves and together they work for us. I never did care if the checkbook balanced to the penny. I’m a better cook than he is,” Arcus said. A practical test of the power of pronouns, she said, would be to instruct people “feeling deeper conflict to use more ‘we,’ and if you change the way they speak, does it alleviate the conflict? Language that does not reflect behavioral realities won’t fool anyone for long.” For the Sievwrights, the AP PHOTO/DAVID ZALUBOWSKI transition from “me” to In this photograph taken on Feb. 4, Micki Sievwright, right, hugs her husband, Dane, as “we” is a work in progress as they look ahead to havthey head out for the evening in the west Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colo. ing kids and growing old together. Micki Sievwright wants her husband to stop The idea of giving up physical stress. The middle is a valuable window age couples were married at some “me” in favor of “we” calling the truck or apartbecause such words are ment “his.” in marriage has implicaleast 15 years and those in often left uncensored in a “It’s likely a guy’s thing, tions that reach miles the older group at least 35 marriage, though more beyond parts of speech and but I’m trying to have him years. research is necessary to may also hinge on massive see these items as shared “When the ‘we’ language determine whether marital property because I use generational shifts, said was predominant, those 15 bliss leads to “we” or the them and own them just as psychology professor minutes were emotionally other way around, he said. much as he does,” said positive and physiologically Doreen Arcus, who delves “It’s something that Sievwright, who married into family issues at the calm, and those were also they’re not thinking about her college sweetheart a University of Massachuthe couples who were most consciously and are probayear and a half ago. satisfied with their marriag- setts Lowell. bly not much aware of. It’s Dane is still struggling. Arcus, 57, said personal just a little chip of behavior es,” Levenson said. Marital “I still have a tough time pronouns in relation to idensatisfaction was based on that we can count,” Levensaying ‘we’ versus ‘me’ in tity were the least of her written questionnaires the son said. many realms of our relaworries when she and Dan couples filled out. Each of 154 middle age got hitched 28 years ago. The ‘me’ pronouns were and older couples in the “We were fanatical about more closely associated than study spent 15 minutes dis“we” language with negative equality,” she said. She kept cussing a point of disagreeher name and insisted on facial expressions, tones of ment while hooked to heart voice, body posture and ges- shared wedding bands over rate and blood pressure an engagement ring, for monitors in Levenson’s labo- tures, the researchers said. “It’s kind of like there’s no instance. ratory. The researchers later There were other rules: ‘I’ in team. There were lots watched videotapes of the They took turns sleeping on of hints about this,” Leveninteractions with attention son said. “This might be one the side of the bed closer to to emotional behavior and the windows and the breeze, the pronouns used, overlaid way to strengthen the partcooking dinner, sitting at the nership.” against the readings on
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tionship. It was ‘me’ for 26 years of my life,” he said. “I wouldn’t have even noticed unless she told me the way I described these things bothered her. I think as time passes and with her reminding me enough, I’ll eventually say ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘mine’ when it comes to the things we have or the time we share.” The Berkeley researchers focused on first-time marriages like Arcus’ and the Sievwrights, but some who have been down the aisle more than once have learned a thing or two of their own about the power of pronouns. Janet Wood, 51, of San Jose, Calif., was married eight years the first time, 10 years the second and has been in a committed relationship for the last six years. “I remember in the last marriage, the heady days early on in our relationship when we were all romantic and everything was ‘we’ did this and ‘we’ did that,” she said. “Then one day it changed to what are ‘your’ plans for the day, the weekend. That’s the time to start paying attention. I make a conscious effort to pay attention to this now and my relationship is happier for it. It’s a small thing but I believe it’s important.”
Having doubts? Step away from the altar New book examnes why people get married, when they know it won’t last BY JUDY HEVRDEJS CHICAGO TRIBUNE
(MCT) Carl Weisman is not a psychologist, family therapist, or any of the other “ists” who work with the marriage-challenged. He is curious, though, about never-marrieds and itching-to-endmarrieds ever since he had lunch with a divorced friend who said she had married the “wrong guy,” and knew it before she married him, ignoring the warning of her “inner voice.” The “ignoring the inner voice” thing worried the 51-year-old Californian so much that he posted a question, “Did you know your marriage would end in divorce before you married?” online at several free classified ad sites
two years ago. More than 1,000 people (79 percent women, 21 percent men) answered that query as well as a litany of questions that included: “Do you think it was a mistake to marry your partner?” (78 percent of women answered “yes,” 79 percent of men, ditto.) “Prior to your marriage, how certain were you that it would end in divorce? (48 percent of women said “somewhat certain,” 42 percent of men, ditto.) Fascinated, Weisman wrote a book, “Serious Doubts: Why People Marry When They Know It Won’t Last” (BookSurge, 2009). “I just wanted to share the results with people,” says Weisman, a systems engineer with a
master’s degree in science and an MBA/marketing major who has written two software books as well as “So Why Have You Never Been Married?” “If you need help, please go find a pro,” he says. “I’m not the guy.” On the other hand, a recent conversation with Weisman certainly added some perspective to the topic. Q: Any big surprises? A: I was shocked at how many people looked at marriage as a way to solve a problem. For instance, one of them is, “I’m lonely.” Well, let me tell you, I don’t know anybody who hasn’t been lonely at some point in their life. I’ve been lonely, but never once did I think the cure for my loneliness was to
enter a bad marriage. Q: Among the “several reasons for getting married,” one option was, “It seemed like the next logical step.” A: (People who) make a perfectly good boyfriend and girlfriend make a horrible husband and wife. In retrospect, the next logical step is to just keep dating, it’s not to get married. Q: What about that inner voice? A: What separates people in the book from a handful of people I call the “Other Choice” (i.e., who don’t get married) is that (they) realized that no matter how painful it is at this moment to end it, it’s more painful to not (end it). Q: And this: “How soon into the marriage did you start to think
about getting divorced?” 53 percent of women and 48 percent of men answered, “Less than 6 months.” A: In our society today, it is more embarrassing to “leave someone at the altar” than it is to get a divorce. ... People are literally going to go to a sham marriage and get divorced quickly thereafter just because it’s less embarrassing. There’s no downside to taking your time in the marital decision process. Marriage isn’t a race. Incidentally, Weisman married his girlfriend a few months ago. It’s his first marriage. “The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person,” says Weisman, who said he told his wife, “’If I met you in my 20s, there’s no way we’d have been together. I wasn’t ready.’”
Discounts in fashion:
Consignment shops flourish in weak economy BY CAROL LAWRENCE THE RECORD
(MCT) HACKENSACK, N.J. — Consignment shops are popping up as female entrepreneurs serve bargainhunting consumers by finding a particular niche and working with, not against, the competition. In 2009, at least seven shops opened in just two New Jersey counties —Passaic and Bergen — and they distinguish themselves by focusing on segments — a bridal-focused shop, a children’s store, and a location with newer, trendier items. Consignment shops sell mostly used and sometimes new clothes, handbags, jewelry, shoes or accessories that
people have brought to the store, at a discounted price. Those who bring in items are called consigners and receive a percentage of the sale. “I don’t find it as competition,” said Linda Mariconda, who opened Deja Vu, “A Consigning Woman’s Boutique,” in Pompton Lakes in June. Her store carries new and used designer items. “We all help each other, because we’re all unique,” she said. “Maybe they don’t carry something I do.” Michele Forrest opened Cherished Bridals in Wayne, N.J., with husband Ned after she was laid off a third time from a sales job in the cosmetPlease see FASHION, Page 5
LESLIE BARBARO/THE RECORD/MCT
Michele Forrest, pictured January 22, in Wayne, N.J., opened Cherished Bridals, a consignment shop that sells bridal dresses, shoes and jewelry as well as bridesmaid and mother of the bride dresses. In her display window is an Oleg Cassini gown, which originally retailed for $750, and is on sale at her shop for $375. The Progress-Index, Petersburg, VA Wednesday, February 24, 2010
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A wedding cake’s appearance Cake’s look sets the tone for the occasion, but flavor matters, too BY LISA ABRAHAM AKRON BEACON JOURNAL
couples will want _ traditional stacked layers. “That’s the fashion right (MCT) This is the time of now. Stacked, with ribbon or year when couples who got engaged over the holidays (or simple scroll work, which is very, very popular,” he said. who may be getting engaged Reeves remembers those on Valentine’s Day) will start cakes of the past when the to think about all of the details that make a wedding a layers were separated and connected with bridges, archwedding. es and stairways. One cake Flowers, cake, dresses, may have been composed of cake, honeymoon, cake. OK, you already know I’m nine or 10 layers. Now, three food-obsessed, but wedding to five layers, all stacked on cakes are a particular pastop of each other, are the only sion. style that brides want. They have come a long way Design work is more delisince those 1970s and ‘80s cre- cate, and intricate patterns ations of plastic staircases will cover the sides of the and fountains spewing water cake, as opposed to roses and dyed to match the bridesswags of icing. During peak maids’ dresses. (Now please wedding season, Reeves will don’t take offense if I have produce about 15 cakes per just described your wedding weekend, only three or four cake. I realize you were the of which will have the older height of fashion at the time, style icing decorations. and I’m sure it coordinated While fondant frosting is fabulously with that frosty all the rage on television cake blue eye shadow the bridesshows, brides haven’t yet fulmaids were wearing.) ly embraced it for several reaThe current design trend is sons, not the least of which is for high-end simplicity. cost. Today’s wedding cake is Fondant adds an average likely to be a stack of three to of $1.50 per serving to the five layers, covered in smooth cost of a wedding cake at fondant with simple embellocal bakeries. lishments of ribbons, dots or Fondant is a sugar-paste scroll work. If there are flowconfection that is rolled out ers, they are likely to be gum paste creations that have the into sheets that cover an entire layer of cake. The look of sculpted porcelain, sitting on the top of the cake result is a covering that looks sleek, modern, and sophistiwhere the bride and groom cated with clean lines and used to be. soft curved edges, said Barb Aside from being the feaTalevich, owner of Akron’s tured dessert at most receppopular West Side Bakery. tions, the cake is a major Talevich said about half of player when it comes to setthe wedding cakes she creting the tone and style of a ates are covered in fondant, wedding. Rick Reeves, whose family the other half in traditional buttercream. has been baking wedding She said the taste of foncakes in Akron, Ohio, said he dant has greatly improved already knows what most T4
over the years, but some people are still wary of it.”It tastes so much better than it used to. We import ours from Switzerland, and yes, it is more expensive, but it is really good,” she said. LaVada Holman, who teaches cake decorating classes at Grandma’s Kitchen in Springfield Township, Ohio, and bakes cakes from her
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home business, Cakes by LaVada, said the secret to fondant is to roll it as thin as possible and to make sure the cake has a generous layer of buttercream frosting underneath. Because fondant and gum paste, which is used to sculpt flowers or other decorations, are the preferred media on the popular television shows
“Ace of Cakes” and “Cake Boss,” most couples already have strong ideas of what they want their cakes to look like. “That’s what everybody is into _ fondant cakes with gum paste flowers or anything specialty, dimensional, topsy-turvy,” Holman said. Gum paste flowers can be simple, but in a striking bold
color, Talevich said. Jewel tones _ garnet, purple, ruby _ are very popular for flowers now. But they’ll be used sparingly _ three or four dramatic blooms to add a pop of color to a cake covered in white fondant. Dramatic bows of fondant or lacy sides also are popular, she said. If a bride and groom are Please see CAKES, Page 7
Fashion: Entrepreneurs intent on raising bar of consignment industry Continued from Page 3
ic industry. Her store, festooned with tulle and flowery lettering, features wedding gowns (sometimes new because of wedding cancellations) and flower girls’ and bridesmaids’ dresses but also fashions for the moms. “A regular consignment really can’t do bridal,” said Forrest, because they don’t usually have the space to fit the voluminous bridal gowns or the high racks needed to hang them. As a result, she gets customers referred from shops in around the state. And there’s Declan’s Closet, which owner Catherine Gavin
opened in August in Bogota, N.J., and named after her son to sell and consign items for infants and young children after she wasn’t able to find any items locally. Because of her specialty, Gavin gets weekly referrals from other shops and, in turn, refers customers to stores when the owners tell her of a more unusual consignment a shopper in her store is looking for and can’t find. The entrepreneurs also are intent on raising the bar of the industry by decorating and marketing their stores to change customers’ stereotypes, and many have
replaced the traditional word “shop” with “boutique.” In many stores you’ll find chandeliers hanging from the ceilings, items organized by section and size, and even personal shoppers to help the buyer assemble outfits. That’s a departure from the past, shop owners say. “Consignment stores have gotten better,” said Turgel. “In older consignment thrift stores, everything is a mess. We have gotten much more organized and are now a pleasant place for people to shop.” Randi Morein opened Savvy Chic Consignment Bou-
tique in a 3,000-square-foot space in Ridgewood last March. She promotes herself by holding charity events and wine-and-cheese par ties, and providing clothes for local charity fashion shows. “Our shop reflects the demographic; that’s why we get a lot of women who haven’t consigned before or shopped in a consignment shop before,” said Morein. “In this economy, you can’t just take it as a given that if I’m here, they’ll come.” So why did so many open last year? It’s the economy, according to the consignment
industry’s trade association. “Anytime the economy slows down, this industry flourishes,” said Adele Meyer, executive director of the 1,100member National Association of Resale & Thrift Shops in St. Clair Shores, Mich. “Once people start shopping resale, they get hooked, so they (the shop owners) retain their customers.” Many of the new shop owners say that while the sluggish economy was a factor, they wanted to own a business and found that the consignment stores were a good model. “You don’t have to pay for your inventory,” said Karen
Donofrio, who owns Pre-loved Consignment Boutique in Pompton Lakes with her daughter Allison. “My consigners bring it in. They’re my celebrities and I’m their agent.” And if the clothing doesn’t sell within two months, she offers it back to the consignor and doesn’t have to stock inventory. But what is the bottom line amid the weak economy and increased competition? For most, it’s all good. “We’ve been making quotaplus,” said Donofrio. “Is the glass half-empty for me or half-full? It’s half-full.”
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Discussing money before the wedding pays off BY MELISSA KOSSLER DUTTON
main causes of divorce, said Gail Cunningham, spokeswoman for the National Foundation for Credit hen Missy Gillen Counseling, in Silver Spring, Md. met her future “People bring financial baggage husband, Mike, into a relationship and often don’t she hadn’t given much thought to a deal with it until problems arise,” rainy day fund or investing money. she said. Many newlyweds do not foresee But as the Westlake, Ohio, couple that money can be an issue, added got serious, she started paying Julie Baumgardner, executive attention to their finances, somedirector of First Things First, thing Mike Gillen encouraged. which offers financial education “We’re both very aware of our goals,” said Missy, who married in classes to couples in Chattanooga, July, but not before creating a bud- Tenn. “It’s not a topic that people tend get and starting to save for a house. to put a lot of weight on,” she said. Talking about money before “Learning how to manage your marriage is essential for wedded money together is a big deal.” bliss, according to financial These experts and Denver-based experts, since it can eliminate a lot financial counselor Taffy Wagner of surprises and arguments. Conversation can help a couple under- offered some tips for addressing stand each other’s financial stand- finances before exchanging wedding vows: ing, spending habits and savings 1. Sit down with your partner goals. Financial stress is one of the and discuss your finances. Bring FOR THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
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copies of your credit score; pay stubs; credit card bills; details about loans, child support payments or debt; and any other relevant financial information. This will help both parties develop a picture of their financial responsibilities after marriage. 2. Examine one another’s credit scores. If one person’s score is below 700, consider keeping your finances separate. Work as a couple to help the person with the low credit score improve it by paying off debt and taking care of overdue bills. Do not apply for any joint credit cards. Instead, put the cards in the name of the person with good credit and make the other person an authorized user. 3. Decide which of you will be in charge of managing the money and paying bills. It’s important to develop a system so the bills are paid on time. Make sure the other partner has a basic understanding
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of the system and is aware of all bank accounts and investments. 4. Develop a budget the two of you can live on. Make sure allocations for groceries, clothing, etc., are reasonable. No more than onethird of your gross income should go toward a mortgage. Don’t spend more than 25 percent of your gross income on rent. 5. Set limits on spending. Determine how much money you are comfortable spending without consulting your spouse. For example, agree to discuss any purchase over $100, $500 or $1,000. 6. Find out how your partner handles unexpected expenses, and decide whether you agree with the approach. After you’re married, you may decide that turning to mom and dad or using a credit card to cover emergencies is unacceptable. 7. Agree to create an emergency fund. Financial experts recommend setting aside enough money
to cover living expenses for three to six months. Start by setting aside 10 percent of your paycheck. 8. Develop a policy about lending money. Decide whether you would be willing to give a loan to a friend or relative. If you’re comfortable doing that, discuss whether you would charge interest and how much you could afford to lend. Always put the details of a loan in writing. 9. Discuss whether one of you will stay home after the birth of a child. If that is a goal, start planning how you could live on one income. 10. Share details about the way your parents ran their household. Did they employ a housekeeper, landscaper or other help that you would expect in your household? Was charitable giving or religious tithing an important part of your upbringing and what are your attitudes toward it?
Her special day — and theirs too BY DIANA MARSZALEK FOR THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
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s a babysitter and church school teacher, Liliana Galicia had no qualms about having children attend her September wedding. In fact, Galicia, a 23year-old from New Rochelle, N.Y., embraced the idea, incorporating about 40 young guests, mostly relatives, in the festivities. Kids — who ranged from 2 weeks old to 15 — got pizza, crayons and crafts, and many of them got a spot in the wedding party to boot. “I told German (her husband) that it’s going to be a little chaotic but it’s worth it,” Galicia said, adding that she was not concerned about the kids’ behavior “as long as they didn’t destroy anything that was not mine.” Getting married was a chance for “a family moment,” she said. “I
Cakes: Most brides still favor traditional white frosting Continued from Page 4
sitting on top of the cake, chances are it is a vintage couple that sat on the cake of the couple’s parents or grandparents, Talevich said. Most cake toppers are flower clusters or monograms. Holman said she sometimes gets a request from a couple for a bride and groom made from gum paste to look like the actual bridal couple. “They get funky, they really do. There are a lot of bolder colors. They like to have their personality in there, so you can see something of them in it,” she said.
Reeves said he has done a cake to look like a sand castle because the groom proposed to the bride with a sand castle on the beach and the couple wanted to re-create it for their wedding. At the end of the day, Talevich said most brides still favor a traditional white frosted cake. Bold colors are saved for the decorations. They’ll look at cakes covered in boldly colored fondant and marvel, but order something more traditional. “They’ll say, oh my gosh, that’s so beautiful, but . . .” she said.
Adding a slideshow BY AMY LORENTZEN FOR THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Jennifer Cocchiara wants guests at her wedding next November to understand how she and her fiance fell in love, so she plans to present a slideshow with photos of them growing up and growing together as a couple. It also will include shots of the people who are important to the couple — the people who will be viewing the photos. Slideshows have become common at weddings. Experts say they must be done properly to succeed, but are generally a fun and simple way to personalize the day and help guests get to know the couple better. A slideshow can be included in any part of the wedding weekend — rehearsal dinner, cocktail hour, post-wedding brunch or reception, she said. If a couple is uncomfortable stopping the festivities to show the slideshow, it can be played in the
background, on a loop, for guests to view at their leisure. Some couples run a slideshow on digital photo frames near the guest book or even in the restroom area. Anja Winikka, editor of TheKnot.com, a wedding planning Web site, cautions that slideshows should be “crafted in a meaningful manner.” They should be organized chronologically or by theme, and should feature photos that don’t embarrass anyone and are appropriate for guests young and old. To save money, photo slideshows can be created through various Web sites, for free or a small fee, and on common computer software such as Microsoft PowerPoint. You can rent a projector or audio visual equipment to show it. “It’s a neat way to watch somebody grow up right in front of your eyes, and that’s the big appeal for it,” said Phoenix videographer and disc jockey Cameron Carpenter. “For out-of-town relatives ... it kind of fills in those gaps.”
Please see KIDS, Page 8
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Kids: Some couples think outside the traditional box Continued from Page 7
really think that my family deserved to be there and that I deserved to have my family.” Although modern brides are sometimes caricatured as selfish “bridezillas,” there are many who believe that weddings are about celebrating family and community rather than simply being the belle of the ball. It’s an idea that is both traditional and, in some cases, trendy. For Galicia, who moved here from Guatemala, giving extended family a voice in the wedding has roots in her home country and culture. Other couples come to the same conclusion for personal, as opposed to traditional, reasons. They might hope to turn the focus of the day toward a cause or charity, or reach out to relatives, even including them on the honeymoon. “There are so many ways for brides to involve their families or communities in their wedding
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day,” said Karry Castillo, a Central Florida wedding planner. “We really encourage our clients to think outside the traditional wedding box.” One couple with whom Castillo worked invited guests to go with them on a post-wedding Caribbean cruise. Another client, an avid runner, invited friends to take part in a charity run leading up to her wedding day. The stress of planning a wedding can easily bring out primadonna behavior, Castillo said; sharing or doling out responsibilities to friends and family can help, emotionally and also financially. One Mexican-American community in Los Angeles, for example, keeps alive a longstanding Mexican tradition by pitching in to cover wedding costs. Acting as “padrino” or “madrina” — Spanish for godfather and godmother, or sponsor — family or friends take on a range of respon-
sibilities, providing and paying for parts of the festivities including food, photos and the couple’s clothing, said Araceli Ulloa, 19, of Los Angeles, whose family often helps couples in such ways. The custom, which also applies to other big events, can take different forms depending on the people involved, Ulloa said. In one case, a
“There are so many ways for brides to involve their families or communities in their wedding day. We really encourage our clients to think outside the traditional wedding box.” — Karry Castillo, a Central Florida wedding planner
bride or groom’s family may ask close friends or relatives for help. In another, people offer first.
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Either way, the idea is that communities pool resources to help out when friends or family need it most. Being asked to be a sponsor is considered an honor. “It’s with people that you feel close to and comfortable,” Ulloa said. “It makes me feel special. I know I will be able to count on them, and
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they know that I will be there for them anytime.” For Tami Mount, of Larchmont,
N.Y., being included in her cousin’s North Carolina post-wedding weekend felt special too. The cousins grew up sharing vacations on the Outer Banks, so Mount’s cousin and his bride asked the extended family to stay with them for a weekend at the beach after their wedding. Rekindling those family beach vacations — with a new member to boot — gave special meaning to the wedding for Mount. “We were honored and thrilled to get called back to our playground for a week together,” said Mount, whose husband and daughter also joined. “Our parents still got the best rooms in the house, but at least the newlyweds didn’t have to sleep in bunk beds,” she said. “They didn’t care that we brought along our babies — it was the making of new memories to mix with the old that they wanted.”