“All the News That’s Fit (according to the administration, the Board of Directors, Head of School Shaviv and Rabbi Lookstein) to Print”
The Rampage
Volume XLVI Number 5
The Ramaz Upper School
February 2013/Adar 5773
Too Many Students Show Up For Book Day, Administration Unprepared
Jeremy Hoffman ’13
Rabbi Stochel In Deep With Wrong Crowd, Bans Gambling
Jeremey Hoffman ’13 On November 31, 2012, Rabbi Stochel shuffled to each minyan with his head down to announce the banning of gambling of any form in the building. “No more,” Rabbi Stochel announced with his lower lip quivering avoiding eye contact, “And all unpaid debts are null and void. No questions.” He then rushed out, with Dwight and Kenny by his side, not stopping until he reached his office and locked its door. Jon Klaristenfeld ’13 observed, “It looked like there were tears in his eyes. He looked like he was afraid of something.” Later that afternoon, Rabbi Stochel was cornered by several dark, hairy men in hoodies heard shouting: ‘Your debts aren’t void’, ‘bets are bets’, ‘Miller and Goldmintz can’t protect you now’, ‘you have 48 hours to get it to us’, ‘better go say Shmoneh Esrei, gonna need all the help you can get,’ and other ruffled slurs. Recent reports are shedding light as to why the Head of the Dress Code KGB banned gambling, and it’s not as simple as he made it seem. According to many sources inside the Sephardic minyan, Rabbi Stochel owed money in the $10k-$20k range to many Moroccan and Syrian upperclassmen. He did all he could to buy himself time: permitting the students to call him Steve or Shloymi, giving out stacks of blank late notes, allowing chest hair to be shown, not making them stand during Kaddish, letting them eat in
non-Chalav Yisroel restaurants during school hours, polishing shoes, and other menial labor. “A few kids were never scolded for misbehaving during our usually quiet minyan. I knew something was up,” commented Simon Jemal ’14. However, it wasn’t enough. His time ran out, so he used his position as administrator to protect himself. But to whom was the Assistant Headmaster in debt? “I often saw the Rabbi take Aaron BenHamo, Aaron Cohen, Jack Mamiye, Steven Bentolila, and Max Alcobi into the kitchen during minyan,” remembers Elinor Aharon ’15, “It looked like BenHamo was the Kingpin.” Eli Amzallag ’14, who guarded the door, had the same response to all those that wished to enter: “Rabbi Stochel said not to let anyone in. They were all misbehaving during minyan.” “Since I’m Bukharian, I wasn’t allowed in. Eli kept a tight door but we all had our suspicions as to what was going on in there,” noted Uzbeki Jew Solomon Michailow ’13. It all began when Rabbi Stochel came down to the lunchroom minyan in midSeptember only to discover loud noises coming from Chef Chris’s domain. Amzallag was in the middle of a bathroom break so, “I burst through the swinging door to discover a run-of-the-mill $30-$60 NoLimit Hold’em game. My addiction from my 20s was coming back to me. I just needed that rush again,” recalls the Rabbi. “We all froze,” notes
Aaron Cohen ’14, the lone junior in the game, “But then Stoch sat down, loosened his tie, and said ‘deal me in.’” What ensued was a three times a week game from 8:30-9:00 where Stoch’s debts would accumulate. “Rabbi bet big, but never paid upfront. We assumed he would eventually pay as he is a religious honorable man, so we let him back every week,” said Steven Bentolila ’13. Rabbi Stochel had little tip offs that dug his deep hole of debt. “He was a pretty bad bluffer,” said Max Alcobi ’13, “Any time he didn’t have the cards he would shake his tie once or adjust the pins on his yarmulke.” When the Rav wore his glasses, Jack Mamiye noticed, he would bet the table minimum and play hands conservatively. The table was confused as to why Rabbi Stochel continued to come back. “I didn’t care that he could at any point punish us,” said Kingpin Aharon BenHamo in an exclusive interview, “If he continued to lose, we welcomed him back.” The ban on gambling came as a shock to the Sephardic Minyan. The threat of expulsion has fended off the likes of BenHamo, Alcobi, Cohen, Mamiye, and Bentolila for now. However BenHamo swears, “When I get my diploma, I’m coming after you Stochel. Nobody comes to my kitchen and doesn’t pay up. Nobody.”
On March 13, the administration was vastly unprepared—too many people showed up to school. “We were expecting 25-40% attendance as it was Book Day,” explained Mr. Miller, “And especially since the title of the book was extra long (The Man in the White Sharkskin Suit: A Jewish Family’s Exodus from Old Cairo to the New World, a memoir by Lucette Lagnado), we thought the turnout would be far less than 50%.” Not enough sessions were planned, not enough food was prepared, and not enough seats were in the auditorium for davening and the speakers. Mr. Miller continued, “Was it wrong to assume the worst out of the students? Probably. But if a large majority has historically stayed home for Book Day, why not try to take advantage and save some money?” However, it backfired. At 8AM that Wednesday morning, 90% of the student body flooded the lobby excited to
learn about Egyptian Jewry. Rabbi Goldmintz and Ms. Benel even tried holding fort and turning students away but they couldn’t handle the influx. Ms. Benel was heard shouting, “Turn them away Kenny! It’s going to be a shande for the goyim! The assembly is going to be too loud!” Rabbi Goldmintz said, “It’s the one day a year I get to relax in peace. I just wanted davening to feel like a serene Tim Hortons in the middle of a Canadian winter.” Students were offended by the administration’s lack of hope. David Wildes ’13 said, “Granted, I didn’t go to Book Day last year since it was scheduled amidst the toils of junior year, but they should have expected all the seniors to show up. SMH.” Many showed up because the author is a member of the greater Ramaz community. “I see Lucette all the time, so I needed to show my ‘spect,” said an emphatic Daniel Luxenberg ’13. Continued on Page 6
Inside This Issue:
Ms. Benel: “I didn’t realize Veterans Day was a thing,” page 8 Beren Academy accuses Alex Ratzker of substance abuse, page 0 Vegetarians refuse to wear leather Tefillin, page 0 Kid aces physics final, Klotz a believer, page 8 Sam Strauss steals Mr. Miller’s parking spot, page 1 Rabbi Stern replaces all the clocks with binary clocks, page 3 Presidents Solomon and Teplitz mixing business and pleasure, seen on date, page 5 Rabbi Schimmel actually just welldressed senior, page 70
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The RamPage Features
Dr. Gaylord Advertises New Product to Student Body Zachary Klein ’14 Recently, Dr. Gaylord released an advertisement to the student body. It’s well known that all Ramaz kids love baths. Ask anyone from Ramaz, and he will tell you that there’s only one thing that he loves more than baths. Obviously that thing is work. Whether it be writing an essay, learning some Torah or doing some math problems, Ramaz students simply love to do work. After all, they do it all the time. There’s a constant dilemma among students who have to choose between working and bathing. When you have an essay due tomorrow, but at the same time really want to take a bath, it can cause a lot of stress. This is a large part of the reason why Ramaz students are so stressed all the time. They can’t decide between working and bathing. Finally, it seems like an answer to this problem has arrived. Dr. Joshua Gaylord has long been an advocate of reducing student stress. There’s nothing he hates more than watching students cry because they don’t know how they’re going to find time to sleep at night. For years he’s been working on a solution, and his work has finally paid off. Dr. Gaylord has managed to create an incredible mechanism that allows people to take baths while working at the same time. “There’s nothing I love more than spending time in the bath with my rubber duckies,” said Dr. Gaylord.
“Whenever someone mentions that my essays are keeping them from time in the bath, it makes me want to cry.” Dr. Gaylord has created a desk that can be positioned over a bathtub to allow people to work on it. This device is known as the Bath desk © and can be bought for only $19.99! Dr. Gaylord has thought of a solution to every problem. Even students whose work falls into the bath have no need to worry! Students of Dr. Gaylord - a teacher who
is known for being extremely flexible with his due dates, won’t have a problem. If they use the Bath desk © and their work falls into the water, they due date for the assignment can be extended. Even students of Dr. Milowitz, known for coming down hard on students who don’t hand in assignments on time, don’t have to worry. Dr. Gaylord has offered to do all work that gets ruined while being done on the Bath desk ©. “I’m especially looking forward to doing all of the Gemara and Tanakh work,” says Dr. Gaylord, a passionate lover of Judaism. All students should buy Dr.
February 2013/Adar 5773
News in Brief
Investigation Shows 80% of Student Clubs Are Just To Impress College Admissions
For the last three weeks, members of the Student Club InGaylord’s patented Bath Desk vestigation Club have conducted an in-depth investigation into ©! It allows you to have fun student activities, concluding that 80 percent of student clubs in the tub, and remember, it serve no other function other than to pad the college resumes only costs $19.99. for students. According to the investigation, the vast majorThe Rampage asked stuity of those clubs have no more than two members, allowing dents what they thought of the all members to claim to be a captain or president. Most club product. “I mean, I’ve heard captains have refused to respond, but a spokeswoman from the that Dr. Gaylord is pretty Turco-Japanese Cultural Appreciation Society insisted, “Our weird,” said Benjamin Rabiclub fills an important niche, allowing not just students of nowitz’16. “Something like Turkish and Japanese descent, but all students interested in it this isn’t so surprising to me.” to meet and celebrate Turkish-Japanese culture.” Two juniors Other students were more have formed a Student Club Anti-Defamation League to defend surprised, despite the fact that student clubs from further allegations. Dr. Gaylord has been known to talk about some odder aspects of his life. “He’s all over Scandal Rocks Rohr Administration Over the place,” said Nina Rohr Allegations of Cheese Hoarding ‘13. “But who does When Nina Rohr ’13 was elected Student Body President stuff like last year, she promised big changes, most importantly in one this? It’s of the most controversial issues in Ramaz—the question of a little bit student control over the powdered cheese. As she herself said creepy. I in her inaugural address, “I promise you change—and cheese.” don’t want Halfway into her administration, many are complaining that to think there has been little progress. “I don’t see what a hurricane has about Dr. to do with anything” said one irate sophomore, referring to the Gaylord excuses that have been offered by Rohr. “Nor do I think that every time Paul Shaviv has instituted “Canadian Cheese Law.” But comI take a plaints about broken campaign promises disappeared last week shower.” as rumors began circulating that Rohr had been seen in her The office, pouring cheese on pasta with reckless abandon from a product jar marked with the presidential seal. Her office has issued no doesn’t official comment, and it is unclear where these leaks originated, project to but according to insiders, Vice-President James Goldberg ’13 sell very has reportedly been looking at a lot of office furniture catalogs. well. A poll of every single Ninth Graders Repel Invasion of 6th Floor Lounge person in the school Violence rocked the 6th floor when a group of seniors atprojected tempted to get cereal from the sixth floor lounge during breakthat only fast. “I just wanted some cocoa puffs,” said Eli Levy ’13. people “But then…Tiny little fists of fury. I tried to fight back, but comthey were all over me, and in me—I think someone grabbed pletely my uvula” at that point he broke down crying. While Levy obsessed and the three others claimed they was simply innocent cereal with Dr. seekers, 9th graders insisted that this was a test of their resolve Gaylord to defend their homeland. “Everywhere, the 9th graders are are willing despised and humiliated, everywhere but the 6th floor lounge,” to buy it. said freshman President Max Teplitz. “They claim they just “I would want cereal, but if we give them that, the next thing they’ll do anydemand is to be able to sit on the couch and eat it, and then? I thing for hope they go back to the 4th floor and let them know that 6th Dr. Gayfloor cereal doesn’t come cheap.” As the maintenance crew lord,” said cleaned the milk and blood from the floor, it remains to be seen Shoshana if this is the end of the conflict, or merely the beginning. Edelman ’14. “I think everything he does is incredible.” Dr Gaylord posted a Skinny Jeans Banned, Deemed Unsafe picture with a sample of the Benjamin Shiff ’16 product in his own bathtub. Some students aren’t so Many students were quite surprised when the administraenthusiastic that Dr. Gaylord tion banned all types and forms of skinny jeans and pants grades his papers in the bath. from being worn to school due to safety issues that have arisen As Steven Bentolila ’13 said from them. There have been countless occurrences over the in one review; “Now I have past couple of months where students have been reporting to two reasons to not want my Nurse Nechama that they have lost all circulation in their legs paper back.” due to the tightness of the denim against their skin. Although issues relating to pants have been occurring in Ramaz since before Paul Shaviv was born, it has become more of an issue in recent weeks as Ramaz students start to get some of their cookie privileges back on Fridays. After massive demonstrations from the Boys’ Varsity basketball team, Rabbi Stochel hired an army of trained minions to stand by the doors in the morning and check all boys for tzniut. The administration, not surprisingly, refused to answer any of Rampage’s questions on the issue.
February 2013/Adar 5773
The RamPage Features
Top Ten Suspects Behind Ramaz Compliments/Insults
Ms. Brachot Turns Dark Room Into Meth Lab
Jeremy Hoffman ’13
“It can’t be…,” whispered Gabi Agus ’13 on her way to the college office with Thalia Sharon ’13 who responded, “Gabi, I think that’s Ms. Brachot… I hope she can explain this later in AP Chem…” The two were startled to see Ms. Brachot, the famed physics teacher and master chemist, sneaking out of the Dark Room wearing a bright yellow hazmat suit and gas mask doing her best Walter White impersonation. The two were able to identify Ms. Brachot under all of her gear by her sneeze. In addition to the mask and hazmat suit, Ms. Brachot, or shall we call her “Heisenberg”, held large bags of “ice” crystals. “It looked like rock candy,” said Josh Jaspan ’13 who saw his teacher looming the underground on a different occasion, “There were blue crystals in a bag labeled ‘da good stuff’”. Mr. Blumenthal, who works in the college office just a few doors down from the Dark Room, said he “had noticed putrid smells in the past few weeks. I just thought there was a gas leak that nobody was attending to.”
All of these signs point to one thing: Ms. Brachot has been inspired by the Emmyaward winning AMC series “Breaking Bad” and has turned the Dark Room into a meth lab. Admitting to the crime, as she knows she won’t get fired since she teaches 20 science classes and is virtually irreplaceable, Ms. Brachot explained, “I was watching “Breaking Bad” with my husband and it hit me—Nadav needs a new crib and I can
cook to make the money!” She chose the Dark Room as her cooking spot since it is windowless, lockable, and not in use. In addition, she used many of the film processing chemicals to make the crystal. Also, Ms. Brachot elaborated, “Anyone going to C is there for one of two reasons: He/ she is in a rush to use a clean restroom or he/she is anx-
iously entering the College Office and is too preoccupied to notice the smell of meth.” She claimed she would only cook enough to buy the new crib. But she got carried away. “Our class took four of five trips in a private jet to various science museums all over the world,” said Sabina Tilevitz ’13. “She didn’t make us pay and wouldn’t explain from where the funding was coming,” said Andrew Weiss ’13, “We stopped asking questions. Ms. Brachot was finally busted when Ms. Rabhan took the Photography club on a trip to the dark room. “I turned her in because she was misusing the Dark Room, not because I’m opposed to crystal,” said Ms. Rabhan. No disciplinary action was taken; the administration merely instructed Ms. Brachot to move her lab somewhere away from children. “This is merely a minor hiccup in the progress of my operation,” said Ms. Brachot.
Bribing of Club Leaders Found to be Widespread Alex Ratzker ’14 Ever since the club fair in September, students have been thinking about achieving leadership positions in various school clubs and teams. In order to score these coveted spots and later write them on their college applications, some students have resorted to bribing current upper class members. While the effectiveness of bribery is not guaranteed, it does seem to be helping in certain situations. Chamber choir is the most exclusive performing arts club in Ramaz and as such, students must prove their talent and ability in order to become members. However, there are other ways to gain admission into this prestigious club. Junior chamber member, Talia Menche ’14 said, “Last year, Ben Emmerich ’15 and I became really good friends in the Upper School choir and he started giving me gifts. He then asked me to help get him in to chamber. We both wanted to hang out more so I pushed for him to be accepted and it has
been great ever since.” Though the tzedakkah committee should be one of the more admirable clubs in Ramaz, corruption exists within this group as well. “The other day I saw Noah David ’14 taking out money from the tzedakkah envelope and using it to buy Captain Risa Schwartz ‘13 a snack from the vending machine. Even though Schwartz really seemed to appreciate the gesture, I don’t think that this is the best use of the money,” said Rachel Aboodi ’15. Speaking about his desire to be on the GO, Max Teplitz ‘15 said, “I know I’m only a freshmen, but I thought that after becoming friends with GO secretary Josh Frohlinger ’13, I would be able to convince him to appoint me as his assistant. Sadly, the administration doesn’t allow ninth-graders to hold positions. But, after spending so much time with Froh, I feel like I know a lot about the student government so vote for me in the GO election of
2015.” Unlike many of the members of other teams, athletes on the boys’ varsity basketball team are less interested in becoming captain or assistant captain and more concerned with being admitted to Ramtape. Ramtape member, Simon Jemal ’14 said, “Natan Tauber ’14 offered me his starting position so that he could be part of Ramtape, but I said no. If he really wants to sit with us on the bench, he has to make a much better offer.” Many students have conceded that the best way to become a member or reach a position of leadership in one of Ramaz’s clubs or teams is to develop relationships with senior members or simply to bribe them. Though this may not always work, there is no harm in trying and even if you do not achieve your goal, you will gain experience and be better prepared to do so next time.
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Raquel Sterman’s Cousin ’13
10. Elle Fried
As recipient of the highly-coveted William Goldberg award, complimenting others is typical behavior.
9. Freshmen Chikz
LMS for a TBH!!! ask.fm me. LMS
8. Rampage Editors
To create news actually worth talking about
7. Ethan Stein
The kid is in serious Ramaz withdrawal ever since his 2010 graudation.
6. Sam Feldstein
His contribution to the Ramaz GO
5. Alex Glaubach
There’s no way he’s not writing all those compliments about himself. #glaubachgets.
4. Jake Rimberg
Part of his long quest to become a ba’al tshuvah
3. Sara Edelman
Well, all the posts are about her, aren’t they?!
2. Mike ‘The Situation’ Lupinacci
He’s a softie under his rock-hard exterior.
1. The Budansky Rrothers
In a desperate attempt to prove to the administration that they will never leave.
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The RamPage Teachers Just Like Us
February 2013/Adar 5773
TEACH
THEY’R JUST US! Mr. Rapp spotted copying Rabbi Schimmel’s homework for Rabbi Goldmintz’s class : “How to Be A Spiritual Guide”
Rabbi Stechler sneaks his Sport Illustrated into his Talmud after telling his students to learn in groups
Rabbi Sklarin tries to shake the machine and then resorts to sticking his hand inside, craving his Chip’s Ahoy
February 2013/Adar 5773
The RamPage Teachers Just Like Us
HERS-
RE LIKE
Mr. Lupinacci, Dr. Koplon, and Mr. Kuck squeeze in a game of Beer Pong in the 3rd floor lounge. Mr. Kuck didn’t have a partner, as he’s a heavyweight
Ms. Litwack reading No Fear Shakespeare in her office on SC; she too has trouble with the original text
Dr. Stone took the DJing reins away from Daniel Oron (to his left)to kick it 80s style for an afternoon
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Page 6 Andrew Lobel ’15
Bar Refaeli DeeDee the Benelovent Just my Kuck Big Mac Miller Litee Milo AndStitch That’s a Rapp Yooo Sepha Rolling Stone Deutsche Bank Don’t Be ShyOwitz Newman’s Own Sheva Brachot Stechler for details gayLORD Almighty NYU Stern Jon Valjean
The RamPage Features
Lunch No More Skyler Levine ’14 No more school lunch! The administration has been inspired by the brilliance of the pizza prank from last year. In order to save money for the school budget (Mr. Shaviv’s office), the administration has decided to stop all school lunch programs and let students call in lunch from local restaurants every day. Students rejoiced at the thought of food from out of school. Rachel Aboodi ’15 said, “I am so excited! I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed, or ate school lunch.” One question people are asking is whether the administration cares if the food will be Kosher. Mr. Miller responded, “There are many different definitions of Kosher. I had one student once who believed that if the food was blessed by a Rabbi it is kosher. That just might work here.” Rabbi Goldmintz replied, “I love a big kosher style hot dog.” ‘“Kosher style’”, ‘“kosher’”, does it really matter?” Rabbi Stochel said, “I will need to walk around and make sure that people are not eating their pepperoni with the cheese from their pizza. Mixing meat and milk, that is a serious
Book Day
problem but saving money for the school, now that is a mitzvah rivaled only by Book Day..” In a poll of the student body’s opinions, the biggest concern appeared to be the choice of vendor. Elisa Lewittes ’16 said, “I really think we should only order from vegan vendors. The food is healthy and will allow me to partake in this wholesome meal.” In response, Eytan Abergel’ 15 stated, “Vegan shmeegan. I want something recently slaughtered to eat. Cow, chicken, sheep, it doesn’t really matter.” The happiest person of all is The Chairman of the Board, Jacob Doft. Doft stated, “We are always looking to reduce our annual budget. This is just one of the many creative ideas I have come up with. For example, I plan on leaving our trash in the KJ building so that they pick up the bill on that.” There have also been rumors that Mr. Doft has instructed Mamadoui, to steael toilet paper from KJ on behalf of Ramaz after hours. This plan will go into effect next year and we look forward to these delicious changes.
February 2013/Adar 5773
Ramaz By The Numbers 0: Notes taken second semester senior year 2: Toros 3: Oppenheims 5: Students that pass in Moskowitz 7: Consecutive consonants contained in Andrew Merczynski-Hait’s name 8: Frees a day for Jakeyyy 10: Minutes studying for a Milo final 15: Times you tell your friends you spent 10 minutes studying for a Milo final 20: Bennett Epstein’s hat size #BHB 32: Eh’s in a Shaviv speech 50: Shades of gray 77: Non-natives in PR 80: Boxes of pizza 300: Likes per freshman girl profile picture 430: Minds elevated by Mr. Shaviv 2,019,315,711: My number ; )
A Teachers’ Intersession
continued from page 1 After the hysteria cooled off, Mr. Rapp and President Rohr needed to deal with the logistics. Since all the chairs were missing, Rohr rushed to open up the bleachers used for the plays and prayer began 10 minutes later. However, Rohr wasn’t able to solve the food crisis, explaining, “How was I supposed to double the amount of food in two hours? No kosher restaurant mass delivers to our school anymore!” As a result, lunch was rationed accordingly, and Ms. Benel pretended it was because Ms. Lagnado didn’t have a lot to eat in Cairo. To add more sessions, Mr. Rapp rallied together Sephardi students who were “born abroad” to talk about their past. Ronee Saad ’13, who taught a session, said, “I was born in Brooklyn, but my Grandma is from Aleppo. Nobody minded.” James Weiss ’14 said, “I’m fourth generation American but all the cool kids were teaching sessions, so I pretended to be Sudanese.” Other than the hundreds of underclassmen who didn’t receive lunch, most agreed the day was a success.
Aaron Kohl ’13 It’s Thursday after the last day of finals at the upper school and the teachers are assembling in the lobby awaiting their taxis to the airport. Under the meticulous planning of Dr. Gaylord and Dr. Koplon, the teachers organized a group trip to Puerto Rico for intersession. Before leaving the building, Mr. Lupinacci and Mr. Rapp decided borrowing the megaphone from the SAC would help gather the teachers and enhance the trip overall. When they arrived at the airport, TSA was giving a few of the rabbis some trouble. Out of respect for Judaism, Rabbi Slomnicki and Sklarin decided to pack mass amounts of meat to last through the duration of the weeklong vacation. When unpacking their suitcases TSA came across their tefillin, and the following conversation occurred between the TSA agents and both Rabbi S’s: “What are these?!” exclaimed Bill, the TSA agent. “Those are my tefillin,” said a worried Rabbi Slomnicki. He had completely forgotten of phylacteries bomb-like resemblance. Then
he thought to himself “how will I begin to explain tefillin to someone who works for Barak Obama?” In any event, Dr. Gaylord was in no mood to be delayed by their antics so he and his teachers lounge crew split from the rest of the group and hurriedly boarded the plane. Once the group of teachers arrived in Puerto Rico they were very excited to be spending a few days away from home and without students. However, when they arrived at the hotel they were disappointed to see Joshua Jaspan ‘13 wandering around the hotel with a video camera following the new kid, Ryan Shore ‘13. The teachers didn’t think this was a problem. They intended to have a great weekend and there was no chance a few high-schoolers could stop them. The first morning Mr. Lupinacci and Mr. Rapp awoke all of the teachers at the crack of dawn to go for a quick run, the first room on their list, Rabbi Stechler in room 4525. Knock knock knock. No Answer. Rabbi Stechler had been arrested around 3 am the previous night as everyone
else slept for crashing a Puerto Rican wedding. Apparently he had been belting on the megaphone “be-ki-yut next door” followed by his rendition of “don’t stop, bekiut.” The group agreed on a quick stop at the breakfast buffet before hitting the beach. “Where can I find some Columbian coffee?” Ms. Newman said, pointing to her mug. Students wondered why there were brown stains on their notecards. Dr. Gaylord was more concerned about breaking his daily routine. “There must be a turkey and cheese subway sandwich around here somewhere,” he whispered stroking his “beard.” Ms. Elencweig could not contain herself. To her left she saw a mischievous Mr. Deutsch, plotting to swipe the bottle of hot sauce off the table of another vacationer. After a long day at the beach, the crew returned to their rooms to prepare for Shabbos. Dr. Milowitz, in charge of “pre-shabbos ruach” undoubtedly waited until one hour before to prepare. After a few quick calls, “Milo’s”
college roommate and first cousin of Jonathan Daniels, Jack, rushed over to play a few tunes. Having crashed a Sunglass Hut convention, Ms. Elencweig and Ms. Abrahamson had nice shades for everyone. After a beautiful prayer service by the pool, Dr. Gaylord popped out of a bag what appeared to be the only bottle of “Mevushal” wine on the island. “I will be reciting Kiddush today! -” Dr. Gaylord was cut off by everyone else, “it’s Rabbi Stechler!” A security guard approached them holding the Rabbi by his collar. “I’m going to have to ask you all to leave this hotel,” the security guard insisted. The teachers had a wonderful two days at the beach using the lower age of tolerance to their advantage. However one teacher was unconvinced to leave on Shabbos. “I can’t leave on Shabbos! I’m shomer Shabbos!” exclaimed Dr. Gaylord. “You’re not even Jewish dude,” said Dr. Milowitz. “SHOMER. SHABBOS.”
February 2013/Adar 5773
News in Brief Affirmative Action at Ramaz Seems to be Working When Ramaz decided that at least ten percent of its freshmen boys needed to be Alexander-Americans, many thought this was unfair, and would lead to problems. “Sure,” said Mr. Miller, “when we decided to take special steps to increase the size of our Alexander-American student body, we heard the usual complaints—Alexanders aren’t smart enough, it’s unfair that someone should get a leg up just because he or she is an Alexander. We even had some complaints from Alexanders who didn’t get in that some of our students weren’t really Alexanders because only their last name was Alexander, but so far, we think our policy seems to be working.”
Research Finds Correlation Between Work Done and Grades Received Although researchers at MIT stress that their findings are preliminary, a report due to be released this week stresses that there is a “strong correlation between work performed by high school students, and the grades they receive.” According to the study, which lasted ten years and went through the grades of thousands of students at dozens of both public and private high schools around the country, high grades correlate strongly with quantitatively and qualitatively high levels of work. “In school after school, subject after subject, we found the same thing,” said Dr. Subhas Patel, who led the study. “Those students who got high grades tended to be those who did a lot of work, and did it well. Even students who were unlikable, but did their work and did it well, tended to get higher grades than likable students who did nothing. “ Dr. Patel was quick to stress that the report only indicates a correlation, not a causation. “We are looking for funding for another ten years; at this point, all we can point to is the correlation, but whether hard work leads to high grades, or high grades lead to hard work has yet to be determined. “ Whatever the findings show, however, it is clear that not all students are convinced. “I know I haven’t read the book all semester,” said one freshman, who preferred to be unnamed, “but I totally would have gotten an “A” if Mr. Deutsch didn’t hate me.”
Vandal Leaves Mark on Third Floor Over the last two weeks, someone has been vandalizing audio-equipment on the third floor. Teachers in rooms 301, 302 and 303 all report that their smartboard soundsystems have been disabled. In addition, graffiti has been scrawled on the walls, suggesting that this may be more than just a juvenile prank. Messages like “This is a school, not a musical theatre!” “Turn the telly down,” and “I’m gobsmacked by how loud you blokes are” while leaving Ramaz security perplexed, nonetheless point to there being some motivation beyond just delinquency. Anyone with any information that may point to the identity of the vandal should notify security immediately.
Houston, We Have a Problem Alexander Leibowitz ’15 The Ramaz varsity basketball teams refused to play in the RMBA Invitational Tournament in Houston, Texas, when both the boys and girls teams were not allowed to play any games on Saturday. Plays were livid about this decision; both teams made a collective decision to immediately leave Houston after seeing the tournament schedule. In a belated attempt to appease the team, the Beren Academy officials who organized the tournament offered to have a Nerf Basketball game after shul. However, talks broke down when the Beren officials refused to use the electronic scoreboard. The Ramaz team felt that the Beren officials had intentionally violated their religious freedom by not scheduling games on the Sabbath. ESPN in a belated attempt to act as peacemakers offered to televise the Nerf game but was turned down. Beren officials refused to comment; it was Saturday.
The RamPage Features
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Freshmen Finally Get Out
Sydney Sarachek ’14 On Saturday night, February 9, the freshmen all gathered together for their first high school party. Sheli Fouzailoff '16 hosted a study party at her house, and all the freshmen were excited to finally get out. Sara Edelman '16 exclaimed, "Let's mobile upload a picture of us all looking pretty with our textbooks! I want to see if I can get more than 300 likes!" Dalia Chera ’16 chimed in, "I'll even put on my glasses to make myself look studious!" Freshmen all walked into school Monday, February 11, with big grins on their faces; they now felt like they could fit in with all the big kids. All the other grades have been confused why it took the freshmen so long to finally attend a party. "They spend all their time getting likes on
their profile pictures and they can't even have fun and go to parties?!" exclaimed Sandra Perl '14. Samantha Adler '14 interrupted Perl, "Watch it, my mobile upload of me and Daniel on our second anniversary got 122 likes; don't make fun." The sophomores were also very confused why the freshmen had pretty much been staying home every Saturday night snap chatting their friends and spending their time on instagram. "It's okay for me to spend all my time instagramming pictures of myself, because everyone knows I have the best blue eyes, but c'mon freshmen, go do something better with your lives," said Margo Oshry '15. The freshmen and sophomore girls were seen having a fist fight in the 6th floor lounge.
Rachel Meyer'16 insulted the sophomore girls, "I'm sorry, but you guys went to Disney for intersession. We are not the babies here." Maybe the freshmen just don't enjoy parties. Dr. Zeitchik explained this as "antiparty syndrome" or more commonly known as APS. He said, "APS is a very normal thing to have when you split your free time between effecting pictures of yourself, updating your cover photo, or debating whether you should instagram a picture." Ally Goldstein '14 added, "Maybe next year the freshmen will overcome their fear of only being popular on the internet and finally leave their houses to go to a real party. I’m going to need a new sophomore to replace Hana Schwartz ’15!”
Can You Hear Me Now?
Mr. Miller Heard Plotting over Loudspeaker
Layla Malamut ’14
On February 6, a great mishap occurred. Just as students were all set to return to normal school after two weeks of finals and a relaxing intersession, the day turned into a great peculiarity. During 7th period, the loud speaker went off, and students expected it to be another simple malfunction that often occurs in the technologically challenged Ramaz. But to everyone’s great surprise –instead of Ms. Malamy’s voice or Ms. Chechik’s voice –Mr. Miller’s voice appeared. Sounding far too casual to be giving a formal announcement, those paying attention soon deducted that he was having a conversation with someone else, not meant to be heard moreover
broadcasted. Brian Agus ’15 stated that “The minute I heard Mr. Miller’s voice, I knew something pretty fishy was up…” Many students reported hearing snippets of words such as “bluffing,” “payoff” and “draw.” Rachel Kahtan ’13 related her suspicious: “Obviously, Mr. Miller has been doing some lo matim gambling in his office. Now we know what all those cards and chips he confiscating are being used for!” Others interpreted these slip ups as having to do with the pizza scandal. “My intuition tells me that Mr. Miller wasn’t in that office alone – he was talking to the pizza scandal perpetrator,” explained Zach Herskowitz ’14.
But not all of the rumors were negative ones. Many students rejoiced at the sound of Mr. Miller’s voice, thinking it was finally color war break out. When Dr. Hannon’s class heard the speaker go off, then in the middle of a circus performance, they grabbed their canes, hats, and juggling balls and sprinted down to the auditorium where they began immediate preparations. “We’ve got this in the bag” reassured William Bryk ’14. “With my juggling skills and Dr. Hannon’s expertise in French slang and rap, there’s no way we can be beat.” Although their preparations ended up being futile, and the rumors circulating the school cannot be confirmed.
Sydney Sarachek ’14 With all of the change being brought to Ramaz this school year, students entered the year with a bit of concern, wondering what could be different this year in the stainless steel refrigerator on East 78th street. “I was a little nervous coming into the year”, Zoe Katz ’13 said. “I was hoping we wouldn’t lose those random days where the administration was nice enough to surprise us with all that free pizza.” Two thirds of the way through the school year it was clearly apparent one thing had not changed; the administration still loves chagigas. “Chagigas are a crucial part of the Ramaz experience”, said Mr. Miller. “Everyone has those days where they feel like they just cannot get up
and go to school in the morning and all they want to do is stay home sleep and watch Sportscenter on repeat all morning. However once students remember that we have chagigas and that one really boring post homeroom class will be cut out of the picture or every other class will be shortened, it makes getting out of bed in the morning just a little bit easier”, he continued. One person who has been thrilled with the administration’s decision to keep scheduling chagigas regularly is Ramaz chagiga legend, Rabbi Yossi Weiser. “There’s nothing better than a chagiga baby!” Rabbi Weiser enthusiastically stated. “Nothing beats that sweet satisfying feeling of seeing those
krantzers try to take cover by the donuts and orange juice and then I just go over there and see the horror in their eyes as I drag those kids onto the dance floor in front of all their friends. Sheer exhilaration! However not all students in Ramaz are so gung ho about chagigas. “It kills my homeroom,” Naomi Bouaziz ’15 whined, “Find me another time of the day where I can study for my fifth period JLT test and complete my Biblical Studies homework, because for me, that time was homeroom.” And so the debate goes on, to chagiga or to not chagiga, that is the question, whether tis simcha dancers in the mind to suffer.
To Chagiga or Not to Chagiga?
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Signs of the Apocalypse
The RamPage News & Stuff
February 2013/Adar 5773
Seniors Pray Three Times a Day on Intersession Jonathan Koptyev ’13
Rabbi Sklarin caught in dress code Dr. Jucovy names dog “Mitt” Mr. Dulny goes a week without a practice Mr. Shaviv gives snow day Girl looks good during finals Mr. Klotz answers question during final Daniel Berg eats fried food Hillel and Nina go a day without talking Rabbis Weiser and Rabbi Slomnicki dress up as Batman and Robin for Halloween
As is generally expected of Ramaz students, over Puerto Rican intersession the seniors held daily minyanim three times a day. A day of relaxation on the beach always began with 8 AM davening no matter what the activity was the night prior. It was a requirement of all the vacationgoers. “I had to get a late note because I was late one day,” noted Jonathan Herman ’13. “I pulled the ‘wasn’t feeling well excuse’…except it was the truth this time.” However, some did not abide by the prayer rules. They pulled the senior card, the rebellious upperclassman attitude. To their dismay, unlike at school, there was no tolerance for this behavior. One instance occurred with Joshua Jaspan ’13. He missed davening three times and was
deported from Puerto Rico by the gabbais as a result. “That doesn’t fly around here. This is where we get serious,” remarked David Schwerdt ’13. It was a personal offense to all, considering that the getaway to Puerto Rico was intended for each and every person to work on his or her Judaism. “I really felt the spirit of shabbat eating at the Chabad of Puerto Rico. I learned more about my Hispanic Sefardi roots,” mentioned Aharon Benhamo ’13. The seniors even brought several Ramaz rabbis to keep them on the derech throughout the trip. “Rabbi Weiser was key. Couldn’t have sung zmirot without the guy,” said Benjy Schwartz ’13. Essentially, the seniors took the opportunity to do things they could not nor-
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mally do in the Ramaz school setting, including prayer with kavanah, gambling (at the hotel casino), learning Talmud for fun, and even wearing a kippah outside. Everyone was happy to have been able to reflect on their religiosity, especially those who will spend a year in Israel. “So I hear this is what Israel is gonna be like except here they speak Spanish instead of Hebrew,” commented Talia Joffe ’13. It was truly a rewarding experience. Boys came back wearing tzitzit, girls with knee-length skirts, and Aaron Kohl ’13 even learned how to lain in Spanish. So much work, not enough time to be religious,” said an anonymous senior who meant no disrespect to Ramaz as an institution.
10 Do not take any winter Friday cookies, 5 Avoid the salad bars, as if you were going to eat anything from there anyway
9 No double dip kissing of the Torah during davening
4 Avoid all high fives, fist bumps, hand-
shakes, bro hugs and all other forms of touching, yes that includes your girlfriend
8 Avoid all stairwell bumps, intentional or 3 When interacting with tutors, email only otherwise 2 Do not share anything, even homework or 7 No team huddles in any sport; coaches are tests, sorry to text all instructions 1 Don’t go to Winterfest 6Use hand wipes after all aliyot
Yet Another Fight at Varsity Hockey Game
The RamPage Editorial Staff
Esti Flamenbaum ’14 Five Ramaz parents were arrested Wednesday night, February 6, at the RamazHillel Hockey game. The fight started after the referee made what some onlookers considered a bad call. The fight escalated, with the ref eventually calling the police, and having the five most vocal of the Ramaz parents arrested. The parents were kept in lockup overnight, but released the next morning with no charges filed. Student reactions were mixed. Some found the spectacle amusing. “I’ve been coming to Ramaz Hockey games to cheer on the team for a while now,” said Samantha Adler ’14. “That was the
first time the game was actually interesting.” Others found it vexing. “It was disgraceful,” said Emmanuel Cantor ’13. “Our parents are representing Ramaz just as much as we are. They can get in a fight with the ref, but I’m still not allowed to?! Not fair.” Avi Schwarzchild ’13, however, was embarrassed by the display. “The whole time my mom was yelling at the ref, I was wishing the earth would just swallow me up. It was terrible!” None of the parents would comment on the incident. This seemed to further incite the players. “Seriously?” said Yehuda Bloom ’14. “When I do
something wrong, my parents are all about punishing me. But one of them gets arrested and they won’t even admit it? That’s messed up.” The five arrested parents have been banned from attending any more sports games this year. While some players bemoaned the lack of someone to drive them home, most felt the punishment was too lenient. “They should have been given moring detention,” said Duvi Grumet ’13. “It would only have been fair.”
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