“All the News That’s Fit (according to the administration, the Board of Directors, Head of School Shaviv and Rabbi Lookstein) to Print”
The Rampage
Volume XLVI Number 5
The Ramaz Upper School
February 2013/Adar 5773
Too Many Students Show Up For Book Day, Administration Unprepared
Jeremy Hoffman ’13
Rabbi Stochel In Deep With Wrong Crowd, Bans Gambling
Jeremey Hoffman ’13 On November 31, 2012, Rabbi Stochel shuffled to each minyan with his head down to announce the banning of gambling of any form in the building. “No more,” Rabbi Stochel announced with his lower lip quivering avoiding eye contact, “And all unpaid debts are null and void. No questions.” He then rushed out, with Dwight and Kenny by his side, not stopping until he reached his office and locked its door. Jon Klaristenfeld ’13 observed, “It looked like there were tears in his eyes. He looked like he was afraid of something.” Later that afternoon, Rabbi Stochel was cornered by several dark, hairy men in hoodies heard shouting: ‘Your debts aren’t void’, ‘bets are bets’, ‘Miller and Goldmintz can’t protect you now’, ‘you have 48 hours to get it to us’, ‘better go say Shmoneh Esrei, gonna need all the help you can get,’ and other ruffled slurs. Recent reports are shedding light as to why the Head of the Dress Code KGB banned gambling, and it’s not as simple as he made it seem. According to many sources inside the Sephardic minyan, Rabbi Stochel owed money in the $10k-$20k range to many Moroccan and Syrian upperclassmen. He did all he could to buy himself time: permitting the students to call him Steve or Shloymi, giving out stacks of blank late notes, allowing chest hair to be shown, not making them stand during Kaddish, letting them eat in
non-Chalav Yisroel restaurants during school hours, polishing shoes, and other menial labor. “A few kids were never scolded for misbehaving during our usually quiet minyan. I knew something was up,” commented Simon Jemal ’14. However, it wasn’t enough. His time ran out, so he used his position as administrator to protect himself. But to whom was the Assistant Headmaster in debt? “I often saw the Rabbi take Aaron BenHamo, Aaron Cohen, Jack Mamiye, Steven Bentolila, and Max Alcobi into the kitchen during minyan,” remembers Elinor Aharon ’15, “It looked like BenHamo was the Kingpin.” Eli Amzallag ’14, who guarded the door, had the same response to all those that wished to enter: “Rabbi Stochel said not to let anyone in. They were all misbehaving during minyan.” “Since I’m Bukharian, I wasn’t allowed in. Eli kept a tight door but we all had our suspicions as to what was going on in there,” noted Uzbeki Jew Solomon Michailow ’13. It all began when Rabbi Stochel came down to the lunchroom minyan in midSeptember only to discover loud noises coming from Chef Chris’s domain. Amzallag was in the middle of a bathroom break so, “I burst through the swinging door to discover a run-of-the-mill $30-$60 NoLimit Hold’em game. My addiction from my 20s was coming back to me. I just needed that rush again,” recalls the Rabbi. “We all froze,” notes
Aaron Cohen ’14, the lone junior in the game, “But then Stoch sat down, loosened his tie, and said ‘deal me in.’” What ensued was a three times a week game from 8:30-9:00 where Stoch’s debts would accumulate. “Rabbi bet big, but never paid upfront. We assumed he would eventually pay as he is a religious honorable man, so we let him back every week,” said Steven Bentolila ’13. Rabbi Stochel had little tip offs that dug his deep hole of debt. “He was a pretty bad bluffer,” said Max Alcobi ’13, “Any time he didn’t have the cards he would shake his tie once or adjust the pins on his yarmulke.” When the Rav wore his glasses, Jack Mamiye noticed, he would bet the table minimum and play hands conservatively. The table was confused as to why Rabbi Stochel continued to come back. “I didn’t care that he could at any point punish us,” said Kingpin Aharon BenHamo in an exclusive interview, “If he continued to lose, we welcomed him back.” The ban on gambling came as a shock to the Sephardic Minyan. The threat of expulsion has fended off the likes of BenHamo, Alcobi, Cohen, Mamiye, and Bentolila for now. However BenHamo swears, “When I get my diploma, I’m coming after you Stochel. Nobody comes to my kitchen and doesn’t pay up. Nobody.”
On March 13, the administration was vastly unprepared—too many people showed up to school. “We were expecting 25-40% attendance as it was Book Day,” explained Mr. Miller, “And especially since the title of the book was extra long (The Man in the White Sharkskin Suit: A Jewish Family’s Exodus from Old Cairo to the New World, a memoir by Lucette Lagnado), we thought the turnout would be far less than 50%.” Not enough sessions were planned, not enough food was prepared, and not enough seats were in the auditorium for davening and the speakers. Mr. Miller continued, “Was it wrong to assume the worst out of the students? Probably. But if a large majority has historically stayed home for Book Day, why not try to take advantage and save some money?” However, it backfired. At 8AM that Wednesday morning, 90% of the student body flooded the lobby excited to
learn about Egyptian Jewry. Rabbi Goldmintz and Ms. Benel even tried holding fort and turning students away but they couldn’t handle the influx. Ms. Benel was heard shouting, “Turn them away Kenny! It’s going to be a shande for the goyim! The assembly is going to be too loud!” Rabbi Goldmintz said, “It’s the one day a year I get to relax in peace. I just wanted davening to feel like a serene Tim Hortons in the middle of a Canadian winter.” Students were offended by the administration’s lack of hope. David Wildes ’13 said, “Granted, I didn’t go to Book Day last year since it was scheduled amidst the toils of junior year, but they should have expected all the seniors to show up. SMH.” Many showed up because the author is a member of the greater Ramaz community. “I see Lucette all the time, so I needed to show my ‘spect,” said an emphatic Daniel Luxenberg ’13. Continued on Page 6
Inside This Issue:
Ms. Benel: “I didn’t realize Veterans Day was a thing,” page 8 Beren Academy accuses Alex Ratzker of substance abuse, page 0 Vegetarians refuse to wear leather Tefillin, page 0 Kid aces physics final, Klotz a believer, page 8 Sam Strauss steals Mr. Miller’s parking spot, page 1 Rabbi Stern replaces all the clocks with binary clocks, page 3 Presidents Solomon and Teplitz mixing business and pleasure, seen on date, page 5 Rabbi Schimmel actually just welldressed senior, page 70