Volume 78, Issue 6 (March/Purim 2016) - The Rampage

The Rampage

The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School

New York • Volume 78 • Issue 6 • March 2016 • Adar B 5776 • the-rampage.org

All the News Thats Fit (According to Rabbi Stochel, the Only One Left) to Print

Upperclassmen Face off Over Lounge: Adler prepares the Nathan Shamses for full scale invasion; Aboodi rallies Seneca kids to prepare for the worst

Tyler Mandelbaum ’17

Throughout the years, the fourth floor lounge has always been a place for Juniors to relax and keep their minds off of the multitude of stressful things that they encounter on a daily basis. Recently, Seniors have been starting to try to unwind in the lounges, and the Juniors are not having it. Yaffa Kornsgold ’17 said, “I wake up every day at 4:30 in the morning just to get my favorite spot

in the Junior lounge. I can’t understand why Ava Adler ‘16 feels the need to put her basketball in my spot every time.”

It has gotten to the point where some Juniors have contemplated leaving Ramaz.

Jasmine Levine ’17 said, “I feel like the Ramaz administration doesn’t care enough about our needs anymore -- I’m planning to transfer to Beth Tfiloh Dahan Community School. The

change of scenery and not having to put up with Ramaz administrators will be such a relief.”

While the majority of the senior class is not welcome in the Junior lounge, a few of the seniors have been granted special privileges to be in the lounge every day. The junior grade has unanimously agreed to allow Estee Halpert ’16 to perform all of her one woman plays each morning from 7-7:56

-- the juniors would be heartbroken to miss even a moment of davening in the morning.

In response to juniors petitioning for the removal of seniors from their lounge, the administration decided to allow juniors special privileges to leave the building during the day.

Rabbi Stochel told the juniors one morning, “Even though you will be outside of the building, you will still be represent-

ing Ramaz…so make sure to show your school spirit and buy your Ramaz swag in the auditorium -- credit cards accepted!”

While the administration refused to kick the seniors out of the Junior lounge, the Juniors were at least happy to get the privilege to relax at the Shake Shack lounge during the day.

RABBI WEISER’S PURIM ADMISSION: “I DON’T REALLY CARE FOR ISRAEL.”

Students and alumni are still coping with the fallout of Rabbi Weiser’s lengthy anti-Israel rant—made after one too many Purim Mantinis (think a martini, but with Manischewitz). “It was crazy,” said a still-shaken Benjamin Sidney Rabinowitz. “Everything was mamesh simchadik, we were singing and dancing, when somebody got up and shouted that we should all pray for the state of Israel to triumph against its Haman, the Ishmaelite Amalek, when all of a sudden, Rabbi Weiser, shlita, said “I don’t really care for Israel.” “We were all sort of stunned, and thought it was a joke, but he kept on going.“The weather is uncomfortable, the people are rude, and can we finally be honest about falafel—really, it’s like a meatball by somebody who’s only heard of meatballs but didn’t really know what’s in them.”

At that point, according to accounts, people tried to calm Rabbi Weiser down, but he wasn’t having any of it. According to several accounts from the event, after somebody

Inside this issue...

suggested to him that Israel’s achievements in fields ranging from the Nobel Prize to the Olympics suggest how wonderful it is, Rabbi Weiser launched another tirade, recorded on several phone cameras. “Ooh, a medal in windsurfing, that’s something to be proud of. And the Nobel prize? They gave those to Arafat and Obama.” At that point, somebody began a rousing chorus of “Venehafuch Hu” and the rabbi joined in, but the images of the event soon circulated throughout the Jewish world. Rabbi Weiser has not been available for comment, but a spokesman from the Israel office issued a statement that “Only a tsaddik like Rabbi Weiser would be so makpid on the mitzvah of drinking til you can’t tell the difference between Mordechai and Haman that he would actually think negatively of Israel.”

“This Was The Best. Chagigah. Ever!”

-Rabbi Haskel Lookstein

DJZJ found unconsious in Central Park... Reports show he may have imbibed glow stick juice page 333 Rabbi Stochel on pace to win Adar Madness... The former Bulldog bulldozing over the competition... page 505 Lunch portions double in size... Rabinowitz has no comment... page 506 Drom Piet No More... Ramaz Senior girl found eating piece of bread... page 522 Ramaz Senior Girl Drops 2K on Prom Dress... Still cheaper than a half hour with Michelle.... page 645 Mockingjay Park 12 Review... What happened to Katniss’s great great great grandchild? page 421 SNL Reviewed... Thats right! More outdated, stale, months old SNL reviews! page 499

News 2

The Rampage

Elianna Schwartz ’17

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Ramaz Hates Fun, Cancels Seneca

Ramaz did not cancel the Seneca overnight for all the reasons people think. It was not because of the “tight schedule,” or bad behavior on the part of last year’s seniors, or because the seniors were caught brainwashing the innocent freshmen for the past few years. It was not because kids slept for the full 48 hours, or because half the school didn’t show up, or because kids were serving baked goods without hashgacha. It was not because of the littering of empty water bottles, or because of the bears… but because Seneca is renovating!

This is top-secret, classified information, but Seneca is updating their campus in Honesdale, PA, and adding

a new modern silver building called the Seneca Spa for the 2017 Ramaz School Wide Lag Baomer trip. The spa will include a 3-story building with an exercise room, beauty salon, treatment rooms for facials, massages, and manicures and pedicures.

There will even be a Lululemon outlet on the premise. There will be a Juice Generation Bar, Soul Cycle, Chop’t

Salad, and Hale and Hearty vegan soups so that Ramaz kids feel at home.

This news has caused quite the stir.

Nicole Aboodi said, “It’s about time they finally realized what Ramaz kids need!”

Jonny Povman added, “I can’t wait to get my toes done. They better have ‘Wicked’.” Members of the Ramaz faculty are also beyond excited. Rabbi Weiser said an extra chapter of Tehillim after the announcement, as

he can now attend the trip and “not have to miss my weekly exfoliating scrub.”

HaRav Dov Pianko SHLIT”A said, “I can’t wait to have my hair blown!” Also, Dr. Koplon felt that the changes to Seneca were SOOOO AMAZING that, “If I would have known I never would have accepted a job in Baltimore!”

When Melissa Adler ’18 was notified of the big changes to Seneca, she was blown away. “That’s such a crazy coincidence the Lavi Life Health Club is opening this summer too!” she said upon hearing the news.

Ramaz Hates Fun, Cancels Puerto Rico Trip

Nicole Aboodi ’17

It is no secret that Ramaz is the most spirited school in the Yeshiva League. However, as the years have passed, there has only been one tradition for which the enthusiasm of the Ramaz students has decreased: Puerto Rico Intersession. When implemented years ago, students were overwhelmed with excitement about traveling to an island with all their friends. But now, Ramaz students have realized their immaturity and foolishness: the way to celebrate the end of midterms isn’t to fly with their whole grade to Puerto Rico; instead, it is to stay true to Ramaz standards and continue their studies over intersession break.

This year, the senior class decided to put an end to the ridiculous annual trip. “I refuse to go! It’s not something I want myself or my grade to take part in. I think it would be a more valuable use of my time if I stayed home,” Sy Elyakim ’16 said. Aliza Schub rallied with

the rest of the G.O. to terminate the long-lasting tradition. “It is a trip filled with debauchery and our grade just is not interested,” Gabe Silverman ’16 said.

tration was devastated by the news. The Big Three encouraged the G.O. to diffuse the seniors’ lack of interest and urge the class to go to Puerto Rico together. Im-

Although the G.O. spearheaded this campaign, they quickly changed their public opinion after the adminis-

mediately after they heard the news, each member of the administration spoke to the senior minyan, hoping to convince

students to continue the tradition.

“They tried telling us that it was a great bonding experience and if we really wanted to maintain the reputation of Ramaz, we really should go. It just didn’t change anyone’s opinion. No one wanted to go to Puerto Rico if we could stay home or just go to Miami, like all the other years,” Noah Greenwald ’16 said post-meeting.

“It’s heartbreaking really. This trip was always seen as an opportunity for the students to bond outside of school and represent the image we, as a Ramaz community, hope to demonstrate,” a rabbi on the Ramaz faculty, who preferred to remain anonymous, said.

Even though the administration and faculty didn’t stop pushing for it, the seniors refused to go to Puerto Rico together. They simply thought it would not be fun, enjoyable and would be a waste of their time.

Ms. Sokol Actually 11th Grade Student at Westchester Hebrew High School

While some departments have struggled to hold on to teachers for more than a few years (or weeks, in the case of Foreign Language), the Math Department has seemed as stable as the multiplication table. That is, until it was discovered that first year Math Teacher Ms. Sokol is actually an 11th Grade Honors Math student from Westchester Hebrew.

While full details remain to

be sorted out, the subterfuge came out during last weeks’ Torah Bowl competition, when she was recognized by a former classmate now attending Frisch.

“OMG, I was like, “That’s Melanie! And I asked her, and she said that she was!

It was cray-cray!”

According to an unnamed source inside the Math Department, Ms. Sokol confessed that she had a really light

courseload at Westchester, and when she saw the ad for a teacher at Ramaz, should it would funny to apply, little realizing that she would get the job.

“She was far and away the best candidate,” said the anonymous source, as he prepared to go the gym and then enjoy a large Italian meal. “It really came down to her, a recently released white- collar crook, a North Kore-

an spy, and some guy from the future whose giant head gave him incredible math skills but could no longer feel.”

While unorthodox, there is apparently nothing in Preludes that prohibits a student from another school from being a teacher, and the Math Department has no plans to replace her.

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News 3

Signs That the Promised Renaissance has Really arrived:

1) Students know what the word Renaissance means, and can use it in a grammatically correct sentence 2) Teachers inoculated against Black Plague 3) All characters in school plays are played by boys 4) Statue of David (Deutsch) is prominently displayed in entrance

7) Dress code updated: NO Tavern Wench dresses!

8) Eating with Hands Encouraged, especially on Mutton Tuesdays 9) Brunelleschi Dome added to school 10) Rabbi Grossman starts talking about the Baroque period

5) Art class is taken very seriously 6) There will finally be a respectable yearbook

Juniors Receive Most Limiting Privileges in History

Gabriel Klapholz ’17

The juniors recently found out that they now have the privilege to roam within a 20-centimeter radius of the school’s entrance. With this new privilege, juniors will be able to experience the city and all it has to offer on a daily basis, as long as “all it has to offer” comes by 60 E 78th Street. “We now have the ability to use the city, or rather the sidewalk right in front of the school building, as our classroom,” said class president Evan Straus ’17. (During previous years, the juniors received 25 centimeters, but the administration cracked down this year because “we didn’t want juniors to slip away to that new clothing store across the street,” one nameless admin said.)

“Rumor has it that when you go outside of the 20-centimeter radius, the school goes on lock down, and Mr. Miller says The Secret Word five times on the loudspeaker,” said Josh Sarachek ’17. Indeed, the 20-Centimeter Rule, as most juniors now call it, is both liberating and limiting. Students are able to get a breath of fresh air and… that’s about it.

Gabriel Klapholz ’17

“The tree right outside of the school is so fun to watch,” swooned Hadassah Brenner ’17. Other students appreciate the fact that they can see the park from within the new boundaries. “Sometimes I dream of actually going there,” said Yaffa Kornsgold ’17. “Oh, and I went for a walk the other day – within the boundaries of

boundary in the shortest amount of time. “I ran it in 0.0004 seconds,” said Straus. He claims that he is the current record holder among the juniors.

The junior class presidents claimed that they would try to expand the boundary by the end of the year. “Maybe, just maybe, we could argue for a 5-centimeter expansion,” said Nicole Aboodi ’17.

The class of 2017 now has a sign-out sheet at the front desk where they can indicate their departure and arrival times. “We initially thought that marking down the time to the nearest second was too vague, so we are advocating for the sign-out sheet to include a slot for hundredths of a second,” said Straus. Punctuality is the name of the game, and the juniors were warned that if they fail to follow protocol, they will lose their privileges both for their junior years, senior year, and even shana ba’artez.

course – and I got some really great exercise.”.

Rumor has it that the track team now plans on having races to see who can run the length of the

Ramaz Student Dominates Model UN

The Ramaz Model United Nations (UN) team recently received its first award in over a decade at the Yeshiva University National Model UN (YUNMUN). Aaron Dahan ’16, participating as a member of the UN Office of Disarmament Affairs (UNODA), won an award entitled “We Want You to Come to YU Award” (WWYtCtYA). The elusive “Please Come to YU Award” remained out of grasp, however, as Ramaz students unfortunately fell asleep during the school’s information session. “We had been preparing tirelessly the previous night,” said Abigail Huebner ’18, “so we couldn’t keep our eyes open during the event.”

YUNMUN assigned the countries of Brazil and Thailand to the Ramaz delegation, but Dahan created an uproar upon hearing that he would be unable to represent his dear Lebanon.

Dahan wore traditional Lebanese dress and even handed out various Lebanese dishes to his fellow delegates (reportedly the mezze was quite tasty).

Learning from his favorite presidential candidate, Dahan made rambling speeches

during his various debates. “You’re a loser,” he said to the delegate of Libya. Dahan also found it a useful tactic to talk endlessly about an issue without any mention of its substance. “You sweat too much,” he said to the delegate of Japan. Even-

tually, Dahan’s fellow delegates started the Boycott Dahan’s Speeches movement, also known as B.D.S. Dahan responded by building a wall around the perimeter of the room made out of chairs.

When he was told that the food was

kosher but not halal, Dahan protested that YU was discriminating against Muslims. “This fiasco is Islamophobia at its purest,” said Dahan. “I think I’m going to post about this act of bigotry on Facebook and my Instagram feed, Lebanon1920.” Dahan, following a great deal of protest, was happy to hear from the YU mashgiach that the kosher food was, indeed, halal as well.

Back at UNODA, Dahan expressed his country’s desire to achieve nuclear capabilities.

His resolution, which advocated dissolving all of the UN’s nuclear disarmament programs, passed by a slim margin, gaining the support of Iran, Pakistan, and North Korea at the very last moment.

News 4 Gabriel Klapholz ’17

The Rampage

Color War Times 2?!

For the first time in Ramaz history, the G.O. planned two Color War events in one year. While eighteen percent of the student body showed up to the first Color War, a mere four students attended the second event. With one student from each grade present, Rabbi Slomnicki decided it would be best to have Battle of the Grades. Students struggled to fulfill all the requirements, as they had to create a stomp, video, song, and dvar torah, all while attending six activities every hour.

The G.O. broke out Color War during a school trip to the movies (Deadpool, now included in the English curriculum). Few people heard about the breakout, however, partly because only nine people had attended the trip in the first place, five of whom were G.O. members. The G.O. handed each grade their respective shirt and used the hundreds of remaining shirts for a G.O.-sponsored clothing drive.

Unfortunately, even the homeless complained about the coloring, sizing, and logo choice.

Once the event got underway, however, the students had a blast. “I had such an incredible time,” said David Gad ’19. “It really was a team effort,” he said. In the end, the juniors won with in a landslide greater than a Trump vs. Rubio

Becky Tauber ’19

Purim 2016/5776

primary. The sophomore demanded a recount of points, but the judges had already received notes from Ms. Hordish to leave for the day. In the middle of the event, a sizable group of seniors, all

dressed in black, began protesting outside of the school building (“We want the cup! We WANT the cup!”). By the closing ceremonies, they actually outnumbered the participants eighteen to one.

The winning stomp went to the freshman,

whose performance consisted of three minutes of playing the triangle. In addition to its phenomenal choreography (the freshmen performed on one leg), the freshman stomp was clearly superior to that of the sophomores, who sat on a stool and clapped their hands for forty-five seconds. However, Rabbi Sklarin, one of the judges, awarded the sophomore more points than any other team. “He felt bad for us,” admitted Naomi Freilich ’18, the mastermind behind the sophomore stomp. “But he shouldn’t have been so unhappy; we were all trying to lose the stomp anyway so that we could all ditch school at 4:45 and not need to stay for the after-party!”

The freshman won the song too, but the Dvar Torah, authored

by Daniel Cahn ’17, went to the juniors. In the end, since Cahn had succeeded in Rabbi Stern’s special math competition, which was worth 4.5*10^3 points, the juniors claimed the day.

Ramaz’s Spirit Surplus

The Ramaz Upper School has always been known for having the most spirited students out of every other Modern Orthodox yeshiva high school. Every student has pride and enthusiasm when talking about and arriving at Ramaz. At every event that the school plans, the students go all out to make sure each person is enjoying and has ruach.

On Spirit Day, each and every student arrives to school in Ramaz apparel. There is not one exception to this. When the GO plans special events, like a chagiga for example, the students are not reluctant to head to the auditorium to dance and sing in honor of the special occasion. From JV girls volleyball, to varsity boys basketball, both home and away games, the gym is packed with students. They cheer on the team’s showing complete sportsmanship.

During the third color war this year [editor’s note: the GO tried AGAIN after the previous two colorwars; see preceding article] every school, and start all the fun tasks color war has. student jumped out of bed in order to get to Even if one was sick, they did whatever they could

to get here. People put all their work aside in order to make color war the best it could possibly be.

During each event, each student in all the grades, participated willingly, showcasing happiness and pride the whole way. Then, during the color war finale, the conclusion of the “Ram-Hunger Games” went smoothly, with each person including teachers enjoying the special songs and the day off from all the stress. Mr. Miller said, “Color war this year was the biggest success in all of Ramaz history! I think every student really enjoyed the 2 days off from all the work, and everyone arrived to school with tons of spirit. The attendance was much higher than any other year. It was truly enjoyable for everyone.”

Rabbi Lookstein said, “This was the best shiryah--I mean colorwar--ever!” Everyone came out of this experience wishing for another week of colorwar, fun, and astonishingly satirical Rampage articles.

President Schub Discovered Abusing GO funds

After a routine, once in a decade audit, it was discovered that President Aliza Schub ’16 has been using G.O. funds to pay for hockey classes for star goalie Ben Kaplan ’16. “I was going through the G.O financials, which we do once every ten years or so, and found this anomaly. So, I brought it to the attention of President Schub, who quickly confessed her guilt,” said Rabbi Dov Pianko. Starting in June 2015, the G.O. made once monthly payments of $613.00 to the Yiggy SklarBear Hockey Fund, with the name “Ben Kaplan” in the memo section.

According to President Schub, “I figured that providing Ramaz’s greatest goalie with some lessons would greatly impact the school spirit.

Everyone knows how much Ramaz kids love to come to all the sports games. So of course having a better goalie would make the games that much more fun!”. However, according to Rabbi Stochel,

“If a G.O. president is found to be abusing funds, then that president will have to deal with consequences. We have already sent President Schub to the sixth floor to fill out a disciplinary report, but we are unsure of how to proceed from there.

We might actually mail the report home. Maybe.”

It seems though, that the biggest fallout from the recent audit might not be related to President Schub at all. After hearing the news that Schub had paid for Kaplan’s lessons, JVP Klapholz was reportedly seen crying to Ms. Benel in the SAC. According to Shelli Cohen ’17, “I heard Gabey crying to Ms. Benel, saying something like, ‘how come she couldn’t pay for ME to get a tutor?

I thought I was her favorite”. As of presstime, the fallout from HockeyGate seems murky, although it is expected that like most times when students break school rules, nothing will actually happen.

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Junior Retreat Stymied by Mysterious Virus

Jasmine Levine ’17

This past week, Ramaz juniors attended their class retreat. Many of the students had been looking forward to it for months. Caroline Jaspan ‘17 said in the days leading up to the event, “ I can’t wait for the trip. I am fully packed and know that I will have an awesome time with all of my friends. I just hope I don’t suddenly become ill and cannot go.”

Tyler Mandelbaum ’17 echoed this thought when he said, “ I feel so close to my classmates as we bond during this difficult year. The opportunity to spend time with my friends in a relaxed environment will be special. I just hope I don’t get sick right before and cannot go.” Jessica Fuzailof ’17 went one step further. She slowly explained, “Junior retreat is the highlight of the year. I cannot imagine going through this year without spending time on retreat with my friends. I have not been sick in 14 years so statistically speaking, I should definitely be at junior retreat.”

Unfortunately, the worst happened. Due to a mysterious Ramaz virus, only seven people attended junior retreat, and two of them were administrators and one was the bus driver. The symptoms of this illness varied from person to person. One student claimed that he had vomiting, another had diarrhea, and a third claimed severe menstrual cramps (and that student was a boy). A fourth student claimed she had a family emergency but when asked who it was she replied,

Jasmine Levine ’17

News 5

“How the heck should I know? I am home sick with the Ramaz virus.” A fifth student said that he had whatever everyone else had. This virus was so rampant and so virulent that it even sickened many of the chaperons who were supposed to go. Dr. Gaylord said, “If the students are sick then I must be too. I probably caught it from grading a test.” Ms. Benel asked the students to

kept calling me Keith but that is close enough to my name. I’m not complaining.” The students who did attend generally had favorable comments. One commented, “The baseball game was pathetic, dodge-ball didn’t last long, but I did get great exercise playing full court basketball.”

The two teachers who attended had mixed reviews. Mr. Lupinacci said, “I got to spend extra time with four students who I never met before.

I don’t think I will come back on this trip, even if they pay me, but it was a unique experience.”

Mr. Klotz said, “ It is physically impossible to play baseball with only 4 students and Keith the bus driver, but we gave it a try. I would rather teach Physics for Dummies then come back again.”

Mr. Miller was quite sad. “How could this happen again? Just a few months ago so many students became ill during color war. I felt so bad for the students, and I had no choice but to cancel half of it. If I could have canceled half of this trip I would have, but Shabbat got in the way.

Perhaps I should try being dean of SAR instead of Ramaz; maybe they don’t have this virus.” say Tehillim because this must be a pun- It is to be seen what will happen to Junior Reishment for not doing enough chesed. treat in the coming years. When asked about this,

This event, however was not a total fail- Rabbi Grossman eloquently replied in an enure. The four students, two teachers, and the bus tire-school email, saying, “I have no comment.” driver had a great time. Clarence the bus driver said, “Usually I’m ignored on these trips but this time people actually paid attention to me. They

This Month’s Hottest New Apps!

This month’s app column will focus on applications that will be of vital importance to Ramaz in the coming months.

A new exciting app is Fake My Chesed Hours.

Have you ever struggled to complete your chesed hours for Ms. Benel? Well, worry no more. Next year you can use this app to come up with zany, ridiculous, creative, and fraudulent chesed hours. Have you saved the whales lately? Have you picked up garbage on Rikers Island? Have you set up recycling bins on Har Habayit? Well now you can claim that you did and fulfill your chesed requirement. When Ms. Benel was asked what she thought of this app she said, “ I am too tired and busy to know the difference between chesed and a chasid. It’s all good to me.”

Another great new app was created by a board member of Ramaz. It is called Find a New Principal. This cool new app will help the school find the perfect fit, in a short time, to replace Mr.

Miller. When asked about this new app, an undisclosed board member said, “This app is cutting-edge technology. It seems like it will be perfect but it has one glitch. Every time we use it, it always picks Paul Shaviv as our new principal. Either the program needs to be fixed or it was hacked by Paul. Regardless, I plan on shorting the stock.”

Have you ever felt that a teacher unfairly gave you a lower grade than you deserved? Have you ever tanked a class and only after realized it was a bad idea? Are you jealous of a classmate and wish them bad. Well, a third new app called “Change my Grade” may be per-

fect for you. This app has a dual feature. It helps you improve your own grades while also allowing you to change the grades of your peers.

This app is pretty pricey ($5776) but it may be just what you need to get into a top school.

Have you ever wanted to know if your teacher was going to make it to class on time?

Have you ever tried to hide from a teacher because you cut her class but then ran into her in the hallway? Hide From MyTeacher is the perfect app for you. This app allows you to put a GPS on any teacher or administrator, helping you navigate the halls of Ramaz in safety and happiness.

And last but not least is the supercool app Find Keith the Bus Driver. Since Junior Retreat, Keith has been all the rage. Want to hang with him, get a ride, or have him as your new associate dean? Now you can… at least in theory. Unfortunately, this app has not been working and no one has been able to locate Keith.

Celebración Del Profesora Español

On Monday, March 6th, 2016, the Ramaz Steinmetz, Rabbi Feldman, Dr. Koplon, Dr. WarUpper School celebrated what is being called its shall, and Robert Simpson, some guy Ms. Benel greatest accomplishment. In addition to the en- got off the street. Additionally, students were treattire student body, in attendance at the ceremony were KJ Rabbis Steinmetz, Weinstock and Lookstein, Ramaz Deans Miller, Koplon, and Stochel, as well as 15 other guests Ms. Benel pulled randomly off the street. The whole school had gathered to celebrate a new Ramaz record--the new Ramaz Spanish teacher had successfully stayed on staff for more than two weeks. According to Rabbi Stochel, “Baruch Hashem, this is really an amazing success. It’s been a long time since Ramaz students have been able to have the same spanish teacher for more than two weeks in a row.” After a prayer of Thanksgiving led by Dr. Gaylord, Ramaz was treated to speeches of gratitude by Rabbi

ed to a rousing rendition of “Zeh Lo Pashut Lehiyot Yehudi” by Rabbi Albo, for the 15th time.

“I wasn’t really sure what we were celebrating, but it was really nice,” said Laura Lancman ’19.

The program closed with a rousing rendition of the Spanish anthem, the American National Anthem, and La esperanza (HaTikvah in Spanish), which according to Richie Haffif ’18, “really moved the soul.” Haffif continued that “it was so nice to celebrate such a wonderful teacher. It’s amazing how loyal Spanish teachers are to Ramaz, and it’s so nice to have such continuity in our language department.” This was a sentiment echoed by Dr. Koplon, who continued that “having a Spanish teacher for more than two weeks really helps our student learn, and is so educationally beneficial. I’m sure the students will come to appreciate this as well.”

News 6

The Rampage

Purim 2016/Adar 2 5776

The Making of

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the Dean 2016

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News 7

News 8

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Ms. Krupka was basically uncontested until the Sweet Sixteen. Rabbi, I mean Mr. Rapp was an obvious non-hire for Ramaz because of the difficulty of juggling fifteen different learning management systems from 6,000 miles away. Ms. Nicole Abramson was also an easy matchup because of her departure from Ramaz less than a year ago.

Ms. Krupka’s matchup against Lupe was a hard fought battle. Lupe obviously has the mathematical abilities to handle all of the computing necessary to organize students’ schedules between the infinite possible schedule combinations. However, Ms. Krupka’s value as discipliner of cussing proved to be too much for Lupe to handle. Ms. Krupka’s matchup in the Elite Eight was probably the most unfair compared to the stakes of the game. For a spot in the Final Four, all Ms. Krupka had to do was make sure that Mr. Shaviv could not get onto a flight from England. Ms. Krupka was able to do so by over-printing Mr. Shaviv’s boarding ticket, and getting him a spot on the no-fly list.

After a first round matchup with Ms. Benel who asked to leave in the middle of the game in order to finish packing the sandwiches for coalition for the homeless, Ms. Brachot faced off against Mendy water. Ms. Brachot went the route of chemistry to prove that Mendy Water was in fact dangerous and was not a viable candidate. Gabe Klapholz proved to be Ms. Brachot’s first tough matchup of the tournament. However, Gabe had only studied nine hours for his game against Ms. Brachot, not his usual ten, and it proved costly.

Ms. Brachot’s final matchup in the lower left division proved to be a tough battle. Taking down The Ram, despite all of its injuries from Tai Gerzberg attempting to shecht it, is no simple task. Using some of the skills she acquired while attaining her major in biomedical engineering, Ms. Brachot was finally able to kill The Ram. The Rabbis in the

Deanatology DJ Presser ’16

school are still discussing whether or not The Ram was schechted Halachically or not.

After beating Kelly Sterman in a first round matchup that saw two former GO Presidents face off by mere fact that he had a college degree and she did not, Ethan Stein found himself in a matchup against the only person who knows Ramaz better than him. Cito undoubtedly has a better grasp of the physical aspects of the school than Ethan, however, Ethan’s knowledge of the administrative aspects prove more valuable when vying for a spot as a new principal. After a long-heated conversation with Rabbi Kobrin, Ethan was able to convince him that his views of the North Shore were far superior to the views of the 3rd floor terrace that he would get in Ramaz. Rabbi Kobrin’s choice to send his kids to Ramaz’s rival, SAR, made the news far easier for Ramaz to swallow. Ethan’s matchup against Rabbi Slomnicki proved to be the best matchup of the Elite Eight. Both of them stand at over six feet tall and have been incredibly involved in the GO during their time at Ramaz.

However, eventually, Ramaz was concerned about Rabbi Slomnicki’s loyalty to the school after his two year hiatus. Ethan has made it clear that he definitely will have no loyalty problems.

tiple new teachers during this school year (the new spanish teachers would have lost in the first round, however, Rabbi Goldmintz was still on sabbatical).

Finding himself in a matchup against the teacher who forces him to change seniors’ books too often, Dr. Sclar did everything he could. He placed a automatic break in the computer system that froze Rabbi Sklarin’s ability to change students’ classes and in turn the books that they needed. Many students then complained about Rabbi Sklarin and Dr. Sclar was easily able to cruise to a victory. The Cinderella Story looked to be ending when Dr. Sclar found himself playing against Rabbi Joshua Lookstein. However, his buddy from Great Neck, who has moved up the consultant rankings from Heichal Hatorah to Ramaz, was able to convince Rabbi Haskel Lookstein that hiring his son would be a mistake. Dr. Jucovy also mentioned that he may have also convinced him to consider socialism during the meeting. The question now is whether or not the clock will strike twelve before Dr. Sclar is able to hoist the trophy and take his seat in the sixth floor office.

Make sure to cast your vote for who you think should advance from the Final Four to become the new Dean of Ramaz.

This is truly a Cinderalla story. Dr. Sclar, A link will be sent to your email allowafter drawing a thirteen seed and a matchup ing you to vote. against the head of his department, was actually able to move onto the Final Four and out of the “bracket-of-death”. After Dr. Jucovy forfeited his chance because of his ability to foresee the future and the incredible impact that Dr. Sclar could potentially have on Ramaz, Dr. Sclar found himself in a matchup against two statutes. After evaluating the situation, Ramaz decided that it would be too difficult for multiple people to do a job meant for one; the spanish department has had to hire mul-

Ms. Benel Named New Dean; Ramaz to Transfer to All Assembly Curriculum

In what many are heralding as a move so crazy, it just might work, DeeDee Benel has been appointed as Interim Dean of Ramaz, promising to institute bold new changes to the curriculum, which will now be based solely on assemblies.

“It’s a simple idea” the new Dean said hurriedly, moving rapidly from her old office in the SFAC to her new office on the 6th Floor (or the “Upper SFAC” as it is now known). “There’s nothing that can be taught by teachers that can’t also be taught by assemblies consisting of speakers, power-point presentations, and choral performances.”

Purim 2016/Adar 2 5776

Teacher on Library Duty Now Authorized to Actually Punish

Think twice

Although the full teachers would still be before you talk in the details remain uunclear, needed to get kids to sit Library; the teachthe Rampage was given down. er on duty might a glimpse of some prodiscipline you. In a spective course offerings. move which many According to that inforfind controversial, in mation, for example, an the wake of a string algebra class might be of particularly loud taught through an Israelibrary conversations, li from Algeria speaking Ramaz has started about his experiences usallowing one library ing numbers. A class on duty teacher a day to Chemistry could be taught actually punish stuby a group of students dents. from a school in Harlem

“It was comwho could talk about drug pletely out of conlabs. And a class on World trol,” said a librarian War II could be taught by who spoke on the a producer at the History condition that she Network. be allowed to remain

While this would anonymous (and that probably result in a downthis writer return sizing of the faculty, Ms. all overdue books).

Benel pointed out that “During lunch, kids were playing com-

puter games, speaking loudly to each other, occasionally even eating. I even caught one kid actually studying!

Something had to be done.”

While some wanted to ban Ben Rabinowitz ’16 from the library completely, as a compromise, it was agreed that the punishing teachers would rotate randomly, so that while there would always be a real teacher in the library students wouldn’t know whether or not the teacher on duty was legit. Response from students was mixed.

While some thought

it was a good idea, Leanne Honig ’18 voiced a defiant tone when asked about it during lunch in the library.

“They can’t tell me what I can’t do. I’ll talk all I want.” She then lowered her voiced and looked behind her to where Dr. Gaylord was patrolling the magazine section.

“Tomorrow.”