Volume 45, Issue 5 (March 2012) - The Rampage

The Rampage

Volume XXXXV Number 487

The Ramaz Upper School

March 2012/Adar 5772

Safety First

Dr. K Wins Lifetime Achievement Award for Safety Patrollers Jeremy Hoffman ‘13 With her Taser Gun, pepper spray, and high voltage flashlight all attached to her utility belt, Dr. Koplon was determined to make the most of her only safety patrol day of the year. “I was called to duty on Monday, February 27, so I did my due diligence that weekend,” stated Dr. Koplon in an interview after the shift ended at 6.

Dr. Koplon, chair of the mathematics department, recorded data the weekend before. Her tests included how fast she could run from the school entrance to Madison Avenue, how high she would need to hurdle over a small car in case she was in a chase, how much wind resistance would hinder her pepper spray, and how many volts she would need to sedate a suspect with her Taser.

The day of her patrol, Dr. K. wore the famous orange vest under her school clothes.

“I couldn’t wait,” said Dr. Koplon. “All day long I was studying the procedures nervously.” Dr. Aharon was

confused: “I saw Dr. Koplon in the lunch room biting her nails and flipping through pages. She looked like one of her own students preparing for an exam. I didn’t understand what she was studying since there aren’t even official procedures for safety patrol.”

In fact, most patrol parents tend to use the opportunity simply to scout out the school’s social scene.

“I guess she’s just overprotective and is doing everything she can do to make sure I’m safe,” said a supportive Hannah Klapper ’13.

When it was finally time to

guard the block, Dr. Koplon was disappointed. “It turns out there are no villains on the Upper East Side,” said a sighing Dr. Koplon early in the shift. She then tried to insinuate problems out of everyday occurrences.

“I was passing my sister Margo money for a cab home when I saw Dr. Koplon sprinting over in hunting gear. I didn’t know what was going on,” said a baffled Claudia

Free Pass to an Elevator Pass Rebecca Brill ‘12 The student body this year seems more injured than ever. Students are as likely to spot casts and crutches in the hallways as they are iPhones and American Apparel skirts.

More teens seem to be absent from class for reasons like XRays and knee surgeries than common colds and stomach flues. Sure, the classic causes of teenage injuries remain legitimate: contact sports, outdoor activities, sheer clumsiness. But the degree to which Ramaz students have become injured in recent months suggests that something else, something a bit eerier, is likely occurring among the youths.

First, consider the privileges with which Ramaz rewards the crippled: dress-code immunity, a forgiving attitude toward neglected schoolwork, exemption from gym class,

and perhaps most notably, elevator passes.

“Man, I would do anything to get to use the elevator after mincha!” moaned a fatigued Matthew Abrahams ’15 one afternoon as he climbed his fifth flight of stairs. Little did he realize that his hyperbolic language rang true for many of his peers.

“After I hurt my shoulder, the school started treating me really nicely,” said the temporarily disabled Jeremy Hoffman ’13, who has had an elevator pass since September. “But I was still sort of alarmed when my friends started asking me to describe in detail how I did it.”

As it turns out, many students have been intentionally injuring themselves in the hopes of receiving elevator passes and other privileges.

Extreme cases have involved

teens throwing heavy equipment at one another, slamming doors on their extremities, and even thrusting themselves out of low-story windows.

The trend started off innocently enough: “One day in October I didn’t feel like walking up the stairs after shacharit,” explained Sabina Tilevetz ’13. “So I put some gauze on my finger and told Ms. Weinstein that I broke it.”

Tilevetz’s actions sparked a series of false injury claims, which caused faculty members to become more attentive when it came to letting students ride the elevators.

By late November, teachers began insisting that students remove their bandages, pads, and casts to reveal their injuries. Students who lied about being wounded and whose Continued on Page 4

Oshry ’12. Dr. Koplon apparently had done this to several other students; she thought that every hand-off was some sort of drug deal.

Dr. Koplon also inflicted minor injuries that afternoon.

When an unfamiliar teenager put his hands on the door to enter, Ben Charles ’13 recalls, “she came out of nowhere and next thing you know my cousin was down on the ground grimacing in pain.” His cousin, from Los Angeles, was merely coming to surprise him while on break.

She unfortunately had the gall not to wear a visitor’s pass while on Ramaz premises.

When real issues arose, Doc was ready to act. Dr. K scolded every boy who took off his yarmulke immediately

upon exiting the building.

She did the same to girls who rolled up their skirts. “She was a dictator out there,” said a disgusted Sarah Shams ’14.

“She was out of her jurisdiction also. It didn’t make sense.”

Dr. Kolpon’s patrol culminated with an incident with the pizza delivery man from Little Vincent’s. “He had heard about the whole scandal at our school, and came with 20 pizzas and 50 mozzarella sticks. This time, there wasn’t even an order,” said an emphatic Dr. Koplon. “So I tased him!” After the delivery guy slowly went unconscious, bystanders applauded and awarded Dr. Koplon with the Lifetime Achievement Award for Safety Patrollers, which they created specifically for her.

“I’m proud of her, but I didn’t know my mom had a Taser,” said a nervous Avi Schwarzschild ’13. “Better get my act together.”

Inside This Issue: Mr. Miller Found on Float at Giants Parade Page 6 Ms. London Plans Orchid Day to Counteract Pink Day Sexism Page 9 Grinberg Wounded Fencing, Says, “Team Will Live Without Me” Page 7 Swim Team Captain Issiver on 12,000 Calorie Diet Page 12 Adolf’s Rise to Power, Former VP Becomes Ramaz Dictator Page 6 Hannah Klapper Receives Spare Key to Dr. Koplon’s Office Page 8 SOPA Rule Blocks Ramaz Tanakh Wiki Page 7

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The RamPage News

March 2012/Adar 5772

Girls Dressed Too Modestly, Get Sent Home Jeremy Hoffman ‘13 This past Purim, girls were shocked to learn the administration adopted a new policy in the v’nahafoch hu spirit of Purim: if you’re too modest, get out. It should not have come as such as a surprise, as their policies always conform to societal norms (e.g nobody in society dares to wear loafers without socks, nobody would ever have the gall to replace a yarmulke with a hat, and naturally, nobody wears jeans to a formal event). In this case, they are adapting to teenagers’ tendencies to convert conservative outfits into sexier ones.

When Rabbi Stochel, eighttime Most Valuable Discipline Reporter of the Month, stepped up to the podium at the end of prayer, he was greeted with derisive sighs. “I thought he was going to comment on the decorum during prayer, give a speech about Bigtan and Teresh, or tell us that we had to wear ties and button downs under our costumes. I couldn’t have been more wrong,” recalled Jonah Rudansky ’20. Rabbi Stochel opened with a story, “Remember in Mean Girls when Cady Heron was totally tricked by Regina George into dressing in a scary costume for Halloween and everyone laughed at her? And Aaron Samuels

thought she was totally weird?

Yeah, that won’t happen in this house.”

Mr. Miller interjected, citing specific sartorial concerns regarding costumes: “Absolutely no costumes related to Purim may be worn, transgender costumes are encouraged, and if anyone is a superhero, that superhero must be either Wonder Woman or Catwoman.”

Girls who showed up late to school that day missed the memo.

Frequent late-riser Talia Joffe ’13, scared of receiving another morning detention, showed up decked out in her most conservative costume. Her Esther costume, comprised of three black long sleeve shirts under a long dress with a high

neck that went to her ankles with a skirt underneath, warranted an ultimatum. Ms. Weinstein scolded Joffe, “Make that a cocktail dress and lose the sleeves pronto, or go home.” A baffled Joffe assumed it was a set-up and remained in costume, and was surprised when she was in fact sent home.

Male students were also reprimanded.

Rabbi Stechler dealt out a record 67 disciplinary reports, one for each of the mass emails sent out by Jake Sarachek ’12 about the Giants.

Rabbi Stechler targeted Giant fans in jerseys and boys with their shirts properly tucked in.

“I was on fire. I dealt ‘em out so fast, my voice was sore.

Millertime had nothing on me.”

Some teachers were also given a hard time. Dr. Aharon, dressed as Albert Einstein, was berated by Rabbi Goldmintz. “I know Mr. Miller said transgender costumes were okay,” yelled the administrator, dressed as Bar Refaeli, “but seriously: Einstein is what you came up with? I thought it was implied that all science and math costumes were off limits!” Mr. Lupinacci, disguised as Pythagoras, was seen scurrying away.

Students who usually dress conservatively and seldom receive disciplinary reports for their garb, took the most advantage of the opportunity.

Josh Jaspan ’13 and Aaron Kohl ’13 both dressed as Mermen, their bodies entirely coated in green paint and their feet visibly sock-less.

Still, a few went too far.

One senior came in a trench coat only, another came as Jesus, and a freshman came as baby Jesus.

“The costumes were overall fabulous; I’m proud,” noted Rabbi Stochel who dressed as Richard Simmons.

A Quiet Minority Inspired By New Club Rebecca Brill ‘12

Teachers’ Masquerade Mayhem Costumes Melanie Hubert ‘14 and Isabella Korchnoy ‘15

Dr. Gaylord: His cat, Petunia Rabbi Stern: The letter ‘W’ Ms. Krupka: Giant Starbucks coffee cup Rabbi Schiowitz: Nina Rohr Dr. Warshall: Queen of Hearts Rabbi Stechler: Mr. Shneebly from School of Rock Mrs. Weinstein: Nechama Leibowitz Ms. Maccabee: A Big Mac Rabbi Goldmintz: Wayne Gretzky

Don’t Mess With the Porat: Home Edition Rachel Kahtan ‘13

To many, the establishment of the new Sexuality, Identity, and Society (SIS) Club at Ramaz showed remarkable growth in the Modern Orthodox community. The student body was overwhelmingly proud and excited to be part of a population that endorsed open discussion about sexuality, paying particular attention to the issue of homophobia.

Nonetheless, one notable social circle at Ramaz felt excluded: its ever-expanding transgender community. “The SIS club agenda for the year focuses on gay rights and homosexuality but makes no mention whatsoever of transgender, transsexualism, or intersexuality,” explained an enraged student who is openly transgender and would prefer to remain anonymous.

“You’d think it would be the

other way around considering our school’s thriving trans family.”

Though Ramaz is often considered one of the most progressive yeshivot in the New York area, it severely lags behind in the realm of intersex activism. In 1967, the Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy (MTA) changed its name from Yeshiva University High School for Boys so as not to offend students who did not identify as male. The Yeshivah of Flatbush, renowned for its sensitivity to the genderqueer community, has boasted co-ed bathrooms since its founding in 1927. And the Frisch School recently added a second mechitzah to each of its davening locations, creating a third section “for talmidim not yet sure if they want to say she’lo asani isha or

she’asani kirtzono,” explained a representative from another school.

Upset about the exclusion of transgender issues from SIS’s itinerary, the gender benders of the yeshiva world held a conference to discuss their concerns. “We had a Shabbaton in Monsey a couple weeks ago,” said its planner, a Ramaz student who asked that zher identity remain private. “Gender-questioning Orthodox teens came from all over the tri-state area to show their support.” The weekend took on an introspective tone, but the activists certainly enjoyed themselves.

They sang zemirot like “Eesh oh Eshet Chayil” and had a contact-free simcha dancing session so as not to generate controversy regarding shomer negiyah, an issue yet to be

resolved in the world of transgender Orthodoxy.

The intersex community plans to confront SIS about its concerns in the hopes of changing the club’s agenda.

Still, gender-questioning students remain concerned about Ramaz’s attitude toward their culture. In the works is a new club specifically targeted for Ramaz students who identify with alternative gender identities called MOTTIGQQAA (Modern Orthodox Transgender Transsexual Intersex Genderqueer Questioning Androgyne Alliance). Among its goals are to knit translucent kippot for students who don’t identify as completely male and to alter the siddurim to include gender-neutral Hebrew pronouns.

Starting in the fall of 2011, Ramaz has been host to its very own celebrity of sorts: Oren Porat, the star of Israeli television show Video Bedek Bayit. He emerged from relative obscurity as an army engineer, and rose to stardom in a relatively short period of time. Known by the Israeli tabloids as “the sensation that swept the nation,” Mr. Porat taught viewers homebuilding trade secrets and conducted interviews. He is enjoying his time away from the paparazzi here in the anonymity of New York, although he intends to return to the Holy Land to film another season at the end of the academic year. He has also been approached by TLC to start his own television show entitled “Don’t Mess With the Porat: Home Edition.”

March 2012/Adar 5772

The RamPage News

Olympic-Bound Ping Pong Team Rachel Huebner ‘13

On Tuesday, Febraury 16, 2010, hundreds of Ramaz students sat open-mouthed and wide-eyed in the fourth floor lounge for hours. Nothing could take their eyes off the TV screen, to which they were glued. The Olympic table tennis competition, the most widely anticipated sports competition in the world, was on.

Sophomore Menachem Goldstein ’13 sat astounded as he imagined the glory that would be his if he were to become as skilled at table tennis as these sports luminaries. He had a dream, and he was determined to make it happen at all costs. By next year, there would be a Ramaz ping pong team that was just as competitive and legitimate as the Boys Varsity Basketball team. Soon thereafter, a Nike endorsement deal worth tens of millions would be possible.

For years, students at

Ramaz have sought to create an athletic environment within the school building.

Therefore, table tennis seemed to most like a perfect sports team for Ramaz to establish; practice could take place anywhere from the Admissions Office to the SAC to room 402 in the library. And it has.

Since the start of the school year, the ping pong team, under the direction of Ms. Yevgeniya Grabovskaya, has flourished. Ms. Grabovskaya has imposed strict dietary restrictions on her group to ensure that they get in shape.

Recently, Mr. Dulny and Ms. Grabovskaya have bickered within earshot of students over whose team the gym would be open to for drills during homeroom and all three lunch periods.

“My kids need to build endurance – I need them HUGE!” Ms. Grabovskaya has often screeched at Mr. Dulny.

RamPage caught up with Ms. Grabovskaya this week and was able to learn some of the secrets of her success in an exclusive interview: RamPage: What exactly is the diet that your star players

are following?

Ms. Grabovskaya: 5 raw eggs and bean curd for breakfast, 2 cans of sardines for lunch, and an uncooked sheep liver for dinner.

RP: What lies at the heart of your physical training regimen?

MG: In Beylaruski, I would make my team run to the North Pole and back in bathing suits every Sunday and wrestle with adult polar bears.

But I was told that “here at ramaz we have fun,” so we are only able to go pick fights with the larger players on the Ramaz football, lacrosse, and wrestling teams.

RP: How do you build mental toughness in your students?

MG: I remind them every day that they will likely not get into the colleges of their choice unless they can be recruited for ping-pong teams.

RP: What is your dream for the Ramaz team?

MG: That they eliminate the dozen bagels a week that they consume during homeroom as part of their diet. If they didn’t eat nine cookies on Winter Fridays, that would be nice too. By cutting out these forbidden foods, we could sweep the Olympics.

Kiddush Club Comeback Brad Waldstreicher ‘14

Rabbi Moskowitz, the infamous Friday Kiddush Club ouster, has reportedly been spotted having secret conversations with Gabi Rudansky ’12 while on his Sabbatical. Apparently, Rabbi Moskowitz wasn’t upset with the idea that students were missing davening. Rather, he was simply unimpressed with the Kiddush club spread. An anonymous source told the Rampage that Rabbi Moskowitz was particularly upset by the absence of herring, gefilte fish, and scotch. He, along with the Rudanskys, has decided to rejuvenate the club and expand its offerings to all Ramaz boys. We have not been able to confirm the exact details of Rabbi Moskowitz’s master plan, but it seems like

he intentionally told the administration about the club so no one would expect a comeback. An anonymous source, disappointed by the fact that a rabbi is leading the Kiddush Club instead of the students, told Rampage in an exclusive interview that the ‘C’ and third floor bathrooms will rotate as the meeting spots. To make the story more interesting, Rampage just got word from the anonymous source that Cito and Dwight will be guarding the floors. Mr. Miller and Rabbi Goldmintz are obviously not happy with the Rudanskys’ newest rabbinical recruit, but they did request a nice birthday cake, preferably made by Benjy Schwartz ‘13 on their birthdays. Rabbi Stochel, on the other hand, is

not thrilled by the notion of the boys taking a long break from wearing tefillin, but is fine with the idea of the club as long as a communal bracha is read. With the news of the all-male Kiddush Club spreading like wildfire, the Ramaz girls are considering creating their own Kiddush Club. Leading the charge is Ms. Benel who recently said, “I don’t understand why there can’t be a Women’s Kiddush Club as well. I don’t think it’s fair that the Rudanskys and Rabbi Moskowitz should be allowed to have all the fun. I nominate myself and Deborah Pollack ‘12 as the co-founders.” Let’s just say the next Friday speaker won’t have a large audience.

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Sabbatical Dreams

Several teachers at Ramaz shared their ideas for productive development during their potential sabbaticals: Dr. Gaylord: I’ve got a detailed plan for every available minute. Each day will be divided into four six hour units. Unit One: Wake up, orange soda, writing (I plan to complete my epic novel, tentatively titled: The Hummingbirds are the Angels, a story of a post-apocalyptic all girls boarding school and the sexually ambiguous teacher who leads his A and A- students to victory over a hoard of Semitic zombies). Unit Two: Lunch at Subway (I will be eating the same sandwich every afternoon, expect on Bloom’s Day when I will add mustard.), writing. Unit Three: I will be training my cat, Petunia, to compose and grade multiple choice literary exams. I will also be building a Lego replica of The Ramaz School. Unit Four: Three hours of sleep, Call of Duty practice, weeping for loneliness for one hour.

Mr. Deutsch: My plan is to scour the world for vintage clothing, investigate the variety of beer houses throughout the country, and find a Jew who is taller than I am.

Dr. Stone: I will be fighting, in game form, all the major battles of the twentieth century, and I will be studying several minor wars, finding allusions to use in order to confuse my students and colleagues.

Mr. Klotz: I will be riding my bike through every country whose language I speak.

Mr. Luppinaci: Since I am afraid to leave New York, I will use my time to excise from my diet all processed foods, sugars, starches, non-organic fruits, cultured dairy products, carbohydrates, vegetables not locally grown, meats, fish, and corn syrup. I will subsist on wheat germ.

Dr. Milowitz: A sabbatical? Are you crazy? That would be too much work.

Beren Academy Players Suffer Chronic Stomach Pain, Lose in Finals Jeremy Hoffman ‘13 This year’s Cinderella story of Jewish sports, the saga of the Beren Academy of Houston, Texas, came to an end this past Saturday night, March 3, 2012. The team lost not due to a lack of talent, chemistry, or hustle but something any Jewish mother could have anticipated: gastroenteritis and chronic stomach pain.

The game came out on a Saturday night, an inconvenient time for Jews everywhere, when big eaters are suffering their motzei shabbos food comas.

“I shouldn’t have had all of that deli roll and pastrami,” groaned star player Zach Yoshor, “and that cholent couldn’t have helped.” Yoshor turned the ball over fifteen times in the finals, as he was clutching his small intestine throughout most of the game.

Mrs. Yoshor wouldn’t take the fall for his performance,

however, stating, “Zachy should have known that Ima’s cooking always makes him extra gassy.”

Sean McCarthy, captain of the champion team Abilene, said after the game, “That Yoshor kid looked sick the whole time; he was probably intimidated by us. Cholent shmulent, do you not think I ate a lot today?”

Down by 20 at halftime, the starting five was vomiting all of the meat out of their system. Center Isaac Jacobson groaned to Yoshor while regurgitating in the bathroom, “Why on earth did you let me eat the last 10 kibbehs?”

The coach was not disappointed in the players for eating so much on Sabbath, issuing a statement: “I do not blame my players for stuffing their faces today. The mitzvah of seudah was fulfilled and their place in Olam Habah is surely secured.”

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The RamPage Features

March 2012/Adar 5772

Ramaz Students

What our parents think we do

What other Jewish Schools think we do

What our teachers think we do

What we think we do

What other Prep Schools think we do

What we actually do

Stuff Ramaz Kids Say Insty that!

Do you have good notes?

Did you see who was on C?

Can you help me shake the machine?

You check The Man Repeller today? Arm Party!

I’m on, like, three Adderall right now...

The cookies this week sucked...

I had to walk an extra two blocks because Gossip Girl’s filming. #rude!

Hashtag OBNOXIOUS!

Jucovy or Stone?

Do you use Ernesto?

Let’s go to ‘Fina... for coffee. LOL. Mup that!

Tag me!

Anyone want an EZOO ticket?

Is it Taco Tuesday?

We have Penny now.

March 2012/Adar 5772

The RamPage Features

Page 5

Our Approval Matrix Our deliberately oversimplified guide to Ramaz culture

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Ms. Fagin Leaving

HIGHBROW

Heshy’s best replament: Allotey

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Bridgid leaving

Dr. Gaylord attending SIS meeting

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Healthy snacks on 4

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CELEBRATION OF THE ARTS

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Fish tacos for lunch

Beit Cafe SIS Club

• Book Day becomes Exploit Other Culture Day Mission Statement

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•The Reapers are the Angels Movie

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XLVI: RamPage’s Roman Numeral mess-up last

DESPICABLE

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Increase in beverage price in school machines

Saves by B

•GO Purim Costume Anticipation

• Reuben Adolf Hitler jokes

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The fast approaching end of Winter Fridays

• Lack of Fire Drills Outright defiance of dress code

PIZZA - gate

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Abuse of Reply All

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Behavior toward cookies

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Rabbi Goldmintz’s siddur

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Ray Bay Bay’s #20 Ranking in Miss Teen NY

• School toilet paper

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LOWBROW

BRILLIANT

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The return of Ms. Brachot

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The RamPage Features

The Whole Megillah Raffi Snow ‘13 “Hello and welcome, to my megillah reading extravaganza,” said an eager Rabbi Goldmintz Ed.D. to the freshman class on Purim. All of the freshmen, mandatorily in attendance were somewhat surprised and even a bit excited when they learned that Rabbi Goldmintz would be leading the service.

“I was so happy when I saw [Rabbi] Goldmintz. I just never get enough of that guy,” said an enthused Ben Kohl ’15.

“Make sure you all pick up one of the complimentary Goldmintz megillot at the door,” said a jubilant Rabbi Goldmintz. “You see, my megillah is a special one because it is the only megillah that has my own personal doodles of the story of Purim. And, trust me, they’re something to look at.”

“I was so excited to have

this opportunity to unveil the Goldmintz megillah with the freshman class because I feel that they are the real future of Ramaz,” Rabbi Goldmintz explained. “I would have been even more glad to share

it with the eighth graders if I were allowed to.”

Students loved the megillah, and thought that it was definitely a break from the mold. “[Rabbi] Goldmintz’s megillah was the bomb,” declared an appreciative Adam Lassner ’15. “I was simply fascinated by it, with all of the pictures golden anecdotes.

The megillah definitely shed a new light on the holiday for me!”

Rabbi Goldmintz glowed from all of the positive feedback from the freshman class (probably due to the stick

figure drawings), and decided to capitalize on his recent success by starting his own sifrei kodesh line.

“Judging by the freshman class, a particularly strong grade and their tremendous approval, I have made the executive decision to launch a new Judaic studies book line, Sifrei Kodesh by Goldmintz,” said Rabbi Goldmintz in his Friday morning speech.

“From now on, the entire Ramaz community, and for that matter, the entire state of New York, my home, will only be using the Sifrei Kodesh by Goldmintz from this point on. Thank you very much, and you are all welcome in my building,” said the excited new entrepreneur, our very own headmaster and head of Tanakh department, Rabbi Goldmintz.

March 2012/Adar 5772

Getting to Know the New Head of School Although Ramaz’s new head of school has elected not to reveal himself officially to the Ramaz community, or say hello to anyone, we at The RamPage offer a glimpse of some of the new rules that might be put in place, based on our knowledge of Dr. Shaviv.

What to Expect: 10 New Rules 1) All announcements will be preceded and followed by “Eh.” 2) “O Canada” will be substituted for the national anthem at assemblies.

3) The sixth and seventh floors will be French language only.

4) Ice hockey will replace floor hockey.

5) Dr. Shaviv will be referred to as “The Premier.”

6) Margaret Atwood’s new novel (whatever it is) will be assigned for Book Day. 7) New mini-course: The Films of John Candy 8) Picture of Mordecai Richler to cover Philip Roth in Dr. Milowitz’s classroom.

9) Thanksgiving holiday changed to second Monday in October.

10) Poland trip canceled; New trip to Nova Scotia.

Free Pass Continued from Front Page supposedly fractured body parts appeared unharmed were severely punished.

It was after this that the adolescents realized they would have to take more extreme measures.

“I got the idea after hearing one of Rabbi Stochel’s divrei torah on sacrifice,” explained Brian Gersten ’14.

“Fracturing my wrist, I realized, was a sacrifice worth making for the prize of an elevator pass and freedom from gym class.” Gersten accomplished this by placing his arm beneath a computer monitor from 1984 that he found in his basement for several hours. The bruising and swelling, he claimed, though uncomfortable, were worth the successful outcome. Others garnered inspiration for their self-mutilation from other aspects of their lives.

“My aha moment was actually before the nighttime production of Pippin,” re-

membered Isabel Dicker ’13.

“My mother told me to break

a leg and I thought, ‘Hey, that might actually do me some good.’”

“I just don’t understand this phenomenomn,” said a baffled Nurse Moskowitz upon noticing the craze. “Don’t these

kids realize the danger they’re putting themselves in?”

While most faculty members had similar reactions, some felt they understood their students’ strange behavior. “I get it,” said Dr. Jucovy as he watched some sophomores excitedly throw one another down flights of stairs.

“It’s wild, it’s irreverent, it’s thrilling and unpredictable. It’s definitely unsafe, but I remember what it’s like to be a teenager: only time will teach them their lesson.”

The SADD club hopes to hold an assembly on the issue in the near future.

“DASH (Day Against SelfHarm) is definitely on our agenda,” shared faculty advisor Ms. London. “I’ve been trying to schedule a meeting with the club leaders to plan it for a while now, but it seems like every time I do, at least one of them is at the orthopedist getting fitted for a cast.”

The RamPage Editorial Staff

Editor-in-Chief Jake Sarachek Senior Controversy Editor Rebecca Brill old News Editor Zach Eckstein Artsiest Editor Carly Stern Opinion-less Editor Ariella Lerner Staged Photo Editors Daniella Deutsch Andrea Edelman

YEArBook/Rampage double cross Editors Jeremy Hoffman Rachel Huebner Just-because-he-hasto Faculty Advisor Dr. Steven Milowitz Redactor-In-Chief Mr. Ira Miller

March 2012/Adar 5772

The RamPage News

Chillin’ in Krakow

Page 7

Master Plan Thwarted Rachel Huebner ‘13

Rebecca Brill ‘12 Rabbi Goldmintz began his Poland Prep course, mandatory for all seniors attending this month’s weeklong trip to Poland and Israel, in the hopes of better acquainting the students with the country and its Jewish history. Little did he realize that most seniors were about as acquainted with the land as they could be. “We’d been planning on going to Puerto Rico for intersession ever since freshman year,” shared Gavi Rudansky ’12. “But then one day I thought, ‘Where’s the spiritual reward in that?’ It just made more sense to use the time go to Poland and learn about my ancestors’ experiences.”

Rudansky was initially nervous when in early January, he decided to pitch the idea to his peers. He feared they’d laugh at him for preferring a long weekend in frosty Krakow to lazing on the beach in the Caribbean sun. He soon learned he had absolutely nothing to worry about: many of his classmates had been having similar thoughts regarding the vacation. “I’d been wanting to go to Poland for intersession ever since I heard about the annual senior trip,” gushed Allie Kulak ’12.

“When Rabbi Goldmintz described it, I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait until March—I could barely wait for January!”

Other members of the graduating class were slightly more hesitant about changing their post-finals week plans.

“It’s tradition in my family to go to my house in Colorado for intersession of senior year,” explained an ambivalent Mattie Kapito ’12. She then reconsidered and concluded, “Then again, what’s more traditional then exploring shtetl life in Poland?”

The senior grade soon after refunded their plane tickets and cancelled their

hotel reservations. They were fortunate enough to discover that flights to Poland were still readily available. “I still don’t get how plane tickets to Poland weren’t sold out that late in the game,” said Simon Shohet ’12. “It must have been the hand of God.” The seniors opted to stay in youth hostels instead of hotels to maintain the trip’s grave, unindulgent tone.

They spent their days touring

concentration camp sites and memorials and their nights discussing how they felt about what they’d seen. The trip, though brief, put many in a spiritual mood. “By the end of intersession, we were saying shacharit, mincha, and ma’ariv together every day,” said Josh Schub ’12. “It was really moving.”

Though the seniors were proud of their mature decision to abort their frivolous vacation plans, they knew they would have to keep it secret.

“We didn’t want the administration to get mad that we basically went on the Poland trip a month early,” explained Daniella Deutsch ’12.

Nonetheless, it became abundantly clear to Rabbi Goldmintz that something suspicious had gone on within his first week of teaching Poland Prep. “The kids were describing shtetls in minute detail when answering questions,” he said, befuddled, “then denying that they’d ever been to Poland.”

The case was cracked in late February, when during class he noticed a hemp bracelet with the word “Poland” stitched into it on a student’s wrist. “Fiona, I thought we told you not to wear that!” scolded Arielle Biro ‘12 upon noticing the tell-all souvenir.

Unfortunately for the senior jet-setters, it was too late.

How to Get into College: A Student’s Guide

Ben Rapaport ‘13

1. Get into all of the highest general classes and all of the lowest Judaic classes.: This will ensure that you are exerting your efforts appropriately. A good way to accomplish this is to convince your teachers that you do not speak a word of Hebrew. Just say that you went to MDS. Remember – there is never any reason to ever do anything that doesn’t help you get into college.

2. Get on the administration’s good side: The administration loves it when you leave your true self at home and put on a facade of happiness in accepting the expectations of school life. Activities that give the administrators great nachas include opening your siddur halfheartedly, wearing both a tie and a sweater, and winking at Mr. Miller (it got Ethan Fried into Harvard).

3. Found a club: This is an excellent way to prove to colleges that you are passionate and fully invested in boosting your image. The best part about founding a club is that you don’t need to know anything about the subject of the club or even have any interest in it. There is literally no other way to get so much credit for doing so little. To found a club, all you need is some random half-baked idea, the ability to send an email, and a sheer commitment to excellence.

4. Cheat: In order to be the opportunist that colleges are looking for, it is necessary that you take advantage of a sucker when you see one. In this case, the sucker is the school. If you are not cheating on every single assignment and test, you are only cheating yourself. You may be hesitant to sacrifice your academic and personal integrity for such an unworthy cause, but let me remind you: there is never any reason to ever pass on an opportunity that helps you get into college.

5. Have Dr. Milowitz: Preferably four times.

This past January, Ethan Stein left the ten block radius of Ramaz for the first time in order to begin his new life.

Most doubted that he would actually end up parting with the school that was so dear to him for so many years of his life. Indeed, local bookies were offering 4:1 odds that he would be back within three weeks. Ethan’s role at Ramaz was multifaceted: he served as an advisor to the faculty, an administrator to the administration, an assistant to the maintenance men during their late night runs, and at the same time pursued his own education as a student. He even filled in for Joe during a few weeks, undertaking this position with great fervor.

Thus, when he decided to trek downtown to the Lower West Side to actually learn something (a 2011 Gallop poll among the teachers showed that only 3% of them knew that Ethan was in fact a student and not a senior faculty member), many doubted that he follow through with this surprising life decision. But, on the first day back from winter vacation as students entered the building, they were met by a bawling Sydney Saracheck ’14. “My number one fan,” she sobbed as she struggled to compose herself in front of older classmen, “he’s really gone.”

The frigid days of January felt more desolate and bleak because of the absence of Ethan’s everlasting smile than because of the arctic cold weather. Posts such as Morning Greeter, Ruach Committee Chair, coordinator of Mission Now (the movement to publicize the Ramaz mission statement) and editor of the RamNation, RamPride, and RamDaily were simply left empty and then disappeared.

But then, in mid-February, Ms. Benel announced to the dedicated few who attended Habitat for Humanity a secret that could not be shared with a soul. As she happily gazed into her students’ eyes, she exclaimed, “He’s back! The Mashiach is coming back to liberate us.”

For the next few weeks, the Ramaz student body and faculty shifted to high –gear mode. Flyers were hung, sports games were planned, and teachers were hired. A new student government organization, headed by none other than Gabi Rudansky ‘12, was formed. Students and faculty alike worked until

all hours of the night scrubbing floors and polishing door knob handles in order to pass Ethan’s inspection.

Ethan had made the decision just twelve days after leaving for college that Waltham was simply not for him. Many students understood his situation. “Once an East Sider, always an East Sider,” claimed Risa Schwartz ’13. After being accepted to a fraternity but consequently yearning for the friendly embrace of a Ramaz student, Ethan Stein decided to do the unheard of: to quit college in order to accept Mrs. Fagin’s permanent job offer at Ramaz.

When the day marking his return arrived, the whole school was in a frenzy, running around to perform the last tasks that needed to be done. Shacharit was cancelled so that the students and faculty could give Ethan the warm welcome that he deserved.

Despite all of this, Ethan did not march through the door at his estimated arrival time, 8:00. At 8:30, there was still no sign of him. Finally, two hours later, the students began to protest and question the “return” of the great leader. Mr. Miller cleared his throat and silenced the crowd.

“The school has made a decision not to allow Mr. Stein to return for a variety of reasons,” he said. “After speaking with a number of students, parents, and faculty members, it seems wisest not to allow this young man a place in our school,” said Mr. Miller.

At first, Mr. Miller declined to elaborate on the reasons Ethan was not given a job at Ramaz. However, after the urging of many students and parents, he finally agreed to comment. “Although our school mission statement requires that students have a positive attitude toward Ramaz, Ethan Stein possessed a level of enthusiasm toward and interest in the school that was simply unhealthy,” said Mr. Miller. “We therefore thought that it was in our best interests not to have a faculty member who would try to do his best to get students to work, learn, eat, sleep, and focus all their energy into the school. It’s just not normal.”

As for Ethan’s life now, he has decided to work at Butterfield Market on 78th and Lexington. “At least this way I can see everyone and feel as though I am helping to better the students’ and faculties’ lives day after day,” he said.

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The RamPage Features

March 2012/Adar 5772

The Battered Ram News in Brief International Jewel Thief Strikes Ramaz In the months that he was here, French teacher Loic Thomeret was known for conjugating verbs; little did his students realize that he was really conning them, for in fact, “Dr. Thomeret” was really Pierre Fromage, debonair international jewel thief. “It’s his MO,” said Det. Chuck Grbzcki, of the NYPD’s European Criminal Stereotype Division. “Pretending to be a teacher, he gets a position at a wealthy school, targets students with expensive jewelry, and then disappears.” In this case, he had his students write an essay in French on the subject “My Favorite Jewelry and Where I Keep It.” From his 11th Grade Honors Class alone he’s rumored to have taken jewelry worth over a quarter of a million dollars, primarily from Sephardi boys. Little is known of Escargot, but he is believed to be a former member of the Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, the French spy agency. He is both a master of disguise and accents, being to appear both with and without a twirly mustache and beret, and able to sound like he’s from either Northwestern or Northeastern France, as well as the far west of Belgium. Although not considered dangerous, it is possible that he is a master of savate, or French footfighting, and that secondhand smoke from his Gauloises could cause medical problems over years of exposure. If you see him, please contact the authorities immediately.

Ramazians of Canadian Descent Mildly Enthusiastic About Arrival of Shaviv While most Ramaz students and faculty view the imminent arrival of Paul Shaviv with a certain amount of trepidation, one group is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Toronto-based educator. According to Rebecca Emmerich, Governor-General of the Canadian Students Union, it is high time Canadian students got respect.

“It’s great we’re getting somebody who respects our culture and understands our needs. We’re tired of being called ‘Canucks,’ and having our culture denigrated. When people mock our national health care and lack of normal human emotion, I get so peeved I could imagine composing a really quite irate letter in my mind. And what is this aboot maple syrup? People imagine Canadians just sit around drinking maple syrup all the time.”

It was pointed out to Rebecca that she was, in fact, drinking from a bottle of maple syrup during the interview. “This?” she noted disparagingly. “Read the label. Vermont? That’s not real maple syrup.”

Floor Hockey Team Gets Taken to School Pumped from another stellar season, the Ramaz Floor Hockey team decided that they were ready to move beyond the Yeshiva league, and take on the floor hockey teams of non-Jewish schools. The problem arose when it turned out that outside of the Yeshiva world, floor hockey isn’t considered a sport. According to Coach Len Gundersen, Director of the New York State Hockey Association, “Hockey is a game played on ice, with skates. Sometimes girls play something called “Field Hockey,” but “Floor Hockey?”

Never heard of it.”

Eventually they did find competitors, but things didn’t turn out quite as well as they’d hoped—the Ramaz squad went down hard, being shut out, 8 to 0. According to the opposing team’s coach, however, they put up a good fight.

“Well, we don’t really have a team,” said Sister Bernadette, gym teacher at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows on the Lower East Side, “But some of our 5th grade girls like to play when it’s raining and they can’t play outside. We won, but they came really close to scoring a few times. Any time they want a game, we’ll be happy oblige.”

Ruben Adolf, the Rams’ captain, was unavailable for comment.

Rabbi Soloveichik Gets His Own Show on Fox News Rabbi Meir Soloveichik, Assistant Rabbi at KJ and some kind of teacher at Ramaz has been offered his own show on Fox News. According to Fox News spokesperson, Crystal Podhoretz, Soloveichik, who recently spoke before Congress on the subject of President Obama’s new contraceptive coverage bill (or, as Fox calls it, “Obama’s War on God”), really impressed producers at the news network.

“The rabbi only spoke two sentences, but they were both coherent, and said without screaming, which really separates him both from the average Fox host and most Fox viewers. We are very excited about what he brings to the table.”

Although final details have yet to be worked out, Oh Vey with ‘Veichik is will run for 2 hours a day, six days a week, and is due to begin airing sometime after sephira.

New King of the Sephardim Due to be Crowned As current King of the Sephardim David Cohen prepares to graduate, preparations are under way for a lavish coronation ceremony for his successor, fellow Moroccan, 9th grader Eytan Abergel. Abergel will assume his position after an acrimonious campaign which saw charges of racism, nepotism and corruption, and in which the very institution of “King of the Sephardim” has been called into question. Although Abergel denied any involvement, flyers began appearing questioning whether it was appropriate for the King of the Sephardim to be “Moroshkenazi,” a reference both to the fact that David’s brother Aaron was also a candidate for the position, and that, despite the elder Cohen’s claims to the contrary, their mother is actually Ashkenazi. Another flyer suggested that it was inappropriate for the position to remain in one family. From the other side, after Abergel’s victory, allegations flew that his family slave had stuffed the ballot box. While acrimony continues to fester on both sides, a group of Mizrachi students, led by 12th grader Simon Shohet, have called for the creation of a new position, Sultan/Sultana of the Mizrachim.

“We are not ‘Sephardim,’ and we are tired both of being lumped in with them by the Ashkenazim and being ruled by them. Look at me, and look at David Cohen. If anybody here should be ruler of the nonAshkenazim, it should be me.” Although Shohet claims that, as a 12th grader, he is impartial in the matter, his critics allege that this is all part of a plan for him to continue to maintain influence among the schools’ Mizrachim by arranging for the selection of his sister as Sultana. Whatever happens, Abergel is likely to find that while the king’s official fez may fit, it will nonetheless rest uneasy on his head.

Top 10 Most Wanted Suspects in the Pizza-gate Scandal

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Ms. Rosen: to get back at the administration for budget cuts. Red paint is $45 a tube!

Bernard Madoff: to finish the job. Six million dollars in ’08 just wasn’t enough.

Deborah Pollack: already has a William Goldberg award. What has she got to lose?

Rudansky Brothers: to become closer as a mishpacha.

Oshry Sisters: to get their own reality show before the Rudansky bros do.

Kollel Guys: genuine desire for pizza. It’s students’ only enticement to attend Lunch and Learn.

Chef Chris: sick of the backlash from fish taco day.

Rabbi Hindin: to have a pizza lunch for his advisees in the hopes of befriending them.

RamPage Editors: to create a headline that’s actually relevant.

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Mr. Miller: in desperate need of d’var torah material.