Volume XXXIII Number 3
The Ramaz Upper School
March 2003/Adar II 5763
Mercury Addiction on .�- . � High in __ #...- 1 Ramaz
The final ex.ants ,,ere heisted from the c:ablnrts of tbc Sixth Floor Office.
E1tan Hochster
Final Exams Stolen From Sixth Floor
By Jon>thon Berken 'OS There 1s a wcll-1,,,--nown front doors of lhc Upper nursery rhyme about old School were 1mmcd13tcly Mother Hubb3Td ond her rcpbccd for the thml lime. unfortUnatc trlp td'7lft�c\1\i pa:ia!l}' constructed electri• board from which she was lied doors, bought with the un3blc lo rctncvc a bone for proceeds obt.a,ned from a hq her poor hungry pooch. A u1dat1on of the entire contents s1m113r seen.mo played out of the book room, were dunng finols "eek when the installed. Dr. Berkowitz was cupboard containing the final gracious m ofTmng the tcx1cxammauons for honors b10l boolcs for such a wonhy ogy, World Jewish l·hstory 11, cause. noting th3t he ''d1dn ·1 iumor Enghsh and AP chem hkc to be cooped-up in that istry was disco, crcd by room anyway." \Vh1lc he was adm1mstr.uors 10 be bare JUst unable, to come up WJth a ""theory" to explain the disap one day before 1cs11ng umc. Under lhc assumpt10n that pearance of the final exams, this was a grand larceny case Dr. 8C"rkown.z did seem to ofGo!d,locks propon1ons, the mutter something about the
Huguenots being at fault. The entire Ramaz staff was mtm-ogatcd in the search for clues concrnung the miss• mg exams :md told by Mr Miller to trust no one. With nsmg candy pnccs, anyone might be mouvatcd 10 steal for spare ch.:ingc, he cxpl:uncd. Ms Newman, clearly out• raged by the loss of her exams. suggested that a he detector test be adm101stcrcd to each student 1mmcd1atcly aficr davcnmg, when spmtu3hly would be high and a ten dency to fabnc>te low This was rcJcctcd by the rest of the (cominucd 011 page 8)
Creative Classrooms headline By N•omi Birboch '04 and Rochel M. Trager '04 \V 1 1h :m mcrc-asc m wuh students, the adm1mstra Ram01 high school accep- tors "ere forced to find more tanccs, and a bu1ldmg struc• mnovauvc ways of confinmg lure wh ich has m:11nta1ncd its students The sti:urwells have current sue. admin i strators were faced with the task of become senmgs for many bcmg crcauvc -conver1,ng English class.es The adm1n1s• unlikely spaces into class- trators believed that the close quarters would nurture the rooms This was not a new ven t1gh1 knit environments which ture for 1hc Ramaz ::admm1stra arc charactensllc of English tors In the past, room 701. an classes. Shira Bender '04 exclusive home for cleaning remarked, ""Thoreau staled, utensils, had been convc-ncd 'S1mphfy, s1mphfy, simplify' into a rcpubhc of brooms and and I think we're doing a prcl· students ·1nc results were ty good Job following his foot• steps." pos111vc and the room has Mr. Kuck admlltcd 1ha1 been known to scat up to tlur· having classes m stairwells 1y Sludents and one teacher. This year, w11h all the gave him an air of dominance broom closets already filled "I stand at the 1op (of the
sleps] and the students need lo st:ram their necks to sec me and 10 let me know that they arc paying attention I lo,·c IL" llowever, 1hc stairwells arc not islands of paradise Although sludents arc known 10 fovor the elevators, a small number of R:unaz bourgeois often use the steps to get from Ooor to Ooor M ,cha cl Vers1and1g '04 adm11tcd h,s displeasure with pedestrians frequently intcrrupllng his studies "It's not lhat I mmd losmg a few minutes from class 11mc. It's more of a problem 1ha1 I need to con slantly shift my pos111on in
(co11wwed 011 page 6)
By Lahov Harkov '05 After several rcponcd mcidents of mercury poison• 1ng, the admm1stra11on announced that rouunc mer· cury tests for all students and faculty arc m order. As a result of FLIK's infamous Fr iday lunch being served weekly and the availability of tuna every d:ay, the admm1s• trauon found 11 necessary to admm1ster these tests. In January 200 I, the EPA and 1he Food and Drug Admm1strauon took the unp·reccdentcd step of 1ssu1ng a statement cauuonmg preg• nant women, nursing women. women who may become pregnant, and young children to hm1t their tun3 mu.kc to twelve ounces per week� Citins the!e new alerts. Consumers Union rccom• mended that the average adult eat only one 6-ounce can of luna per week, about the equ1valcnt of one hundred Fnday lunch tuna sandwiches. Side effects of high mer cury le,•els mcludc chronic bad breath, upset slomachs, and foaming 3t the mouth The most harmful effect of the mgcsuon of mercury, ho" cv• er, 1s its high add1chon rate. ..The add1c11on rate among students 1s 3t an all•llme high, and qullc frankly, I am appalled," said Rabb, Segal.
Mony behcvc 1h01 the Ram3Z environment 1s con• duel\c to high consumption of the dangerous fish "Most students would not think of stan,ng to mgcst mercury 1f u weren't for the tremendous amount of peer pressure around them,'" explaans Jessica Spiegelman '05. ..ff cvc-ryonc else 1s cahng II, 1t's . hard to say no. . Easy access to the subst3ncc 1s also behcvcd to fos1cr the high rate of 3dd1ct1on among lunchcrs at Ram37 Followmg m the footSteps of II AFTR 's random drug tc-sts, R:imaz has decided 10 adopt these safety precautions with the hopes of complete rehab1htat1on for all Ramaz studt,,t.s nnd faculty Dcsp11e these pro1ccuvc students reasons, some opposed these tests, claiming that they arc "'an mvis1on of our pnvacy." Daniel Ma.rans '05 asks. "Why should every one be penalized 1f not every• body 1s doing 11 1" Others :agree with Ramaz's decmon to test ran• domly Sara Sabshon ·os con tends, "People want to have some mercury once m a while and that's okay, but once they become rch3nt, desperate measures must be taken "
Many te achers have hccn forced to move their classes Into Ellan Hochslcr the stolmells.
Page 2
The RamPagc
Editorial Rampant Homophobia Ruins "Fame"
Although replete wtth s1unnmg scenery, creatt\ c costumes nnd amazing acting. all rapidly prepared over 3 hccuc, two week pcnod, tlus year's senior play was certainly no success. W hile the sum total of 1he greatness of all of those 1mprcss1ve clements of the pl::iy should h:nc provtded for a genui ne sense of pr.use and pos111vc vibes, an undeniable clement of homo phobia pervaded nearly every scene, culmmatmg m a grossly mappropnate rcndcnng of the ballad "Is II Okay ,f I Coll You Mme." The homfymg mockcncs were apparent from the begin ning of the play, as 1hc oclOr playing 1he role of Monlgomcry Macne1\I, a homosexual drama student, sported a mult1colored scarf, a direct J3b a1 the gay communuy Add1uonally mappro pnate costumes included those of dancer Leroy Johnson. who wore a pan1cularly ught shirt. and that of the Cabaret cafC host. who sported red llpsllck. And kt us not forget the cross dress mg scmor boy \\ ho portrayed Mrs Schw:irtz. Such mtolcrancc s imply cannot pass unmentioned Homophobic sl ights \\ ere also prevalent through dialogues between characters. I-low incredi bly offensive 1t was when Bruno Martel11's father asked why h is son did not spend tlmc ,vith gLTls. 1mplymg. w11hout a doubt, dut a teenage boy's soci al hfe should be Judged according to his mvolvcmcnt with and attroclion to girls llow outlnnd1sh was the scene m wh ich Mr. Shorofsky exploms 10 Bruno tha1 he ts holding h,s vtolm boa hke :i baseball bat? llie ob,•1ous image of a vinlc young m:ile only mterc.sted m sportS ,, ould surely have ca.used unrest m the g.ay community These ore only two of many examples of hid den undertones 1ha1 r:rn romp::mt through the producuon. Of course:, nothing w:is more offensive than the ..Is 1t Okay ,f 1 Call You Mme.. scene . The play's ongmal stage direction a1lls for Montgomery 10 s11 on 1he edge of 1hc stage by himself, dramatically singmg an 1rrclcvnnt love song to no one m par1,cular. oficr concluding his playful Joke-fest w11h Ralph and Dons and before the humorous hysicna of The Rocl-y Horror Picture Show scene Unbeknownst to most, mcludmg the directors, Montgomery was Jomcd onstage by a member of the audience who was completely unassoc iated wi th the play, a senior boy who happened to be best friends with the actor por traying Montgomery The audience member stood be-hind his crony, rather unaware of what to do wnh himself. aptly lighten ing the tone of the scene and prov1d111g add1t1onal laughs for those who at all understood his presence on st:igc A small few, howe\'Cf, \\ ere further able to pomt out the homophobi a here as well. Boys who are good fncnds offsi,gc (and hoppcn lo share a lendcrsh1p pos111on on a ccrtam pubhcat1on covcnng the pcr fomtance) had no nghl 10 make Mon1y's solo any less senous1h1s was, :iflcr all. senior play Senior pl:1ys of the past have always seemed to focus on tasteless J:1nguage, revealing garb and d1sgustmg sexual innu endoes. It was these tJ11ngs that this year's cast and directors worked so hard to ovoid Unfortunately, 1he overall enJ oyab1h1y of the outslandmg pcrfonnance of "Fame" will be forever overshadowed by 11s mhl'rcnt i mpropriety and ignorance.
l'Nlplt Who Aclu■lly Conlrlb11INI
PC'Opl, \\ ho llcld PoJIIIG■s hu1 Old No1hl111: rer 1h, P1 11tr
lt....,_1-"')•Anl' al Parull)' AIMKr (IJoda')
March 2003/Adar II 5763
SFAC Minutes
By Eve Lrbwohl '04 and Jenny Mcrkln '04 The mccllng s1or1cd al bock 01 1hcm. 5: 15 PM. Kate- Why? We d,dn 't compl:iin any more lhan any one else! Focuhy prescnl: Robbt Yogi - You know you dtd. Moskowitz, Ms. Bene), CuoJ Kate- Yea, OK. Dr. Stone, Robb, Baksi, Rabbt Elisha- How oboul Ktll GoldmmlZ, Mr. Miller, Ms. Kol31ch, Kenny, Dr. Gaylord, Weck? You know Ch1II-K1II? Rabbi Weiser, Dr. Jucovy, Mr. Gel 11? Hahn Mr. Miller- Maybe Ktll Compagno, Mr. W1ll1ams, Mr. Holzinger, Ms. Klem, Ms. Weck could have 53 mi nu1cs and 37.3 second classes ond Strapp, Rabb, Panscr. present: Sunday school. We could ,!so Students Jonathan Goldman, Dem take away lunch periods alto Kola1eh, Kate Gnbelz, Leora gclhcr and replace them wllh Goodman. Daniella Rohr, one more English class 1lu1t Jeremy \Valdstre1cher, Jesse would be great Dr. Gaylord- YES!!! B,cncnfcld, Yogi Schulman, Rabbt Wei ser- I think this Ehsho Kraemer, 1s a mamcsh good idea. 111c 1-Rotalmg Lunch Per iods students will be mamesh The GO. hos pursued 1hc killed. Dr. Gaylord- When will idea of hav ing rotating lunch pcnods. rather than havmg the thts toke ploee? I have 10 freshmen always cat sixth rework my cumculum book to pcnod, sophomores always incorporate this week. Conolus1on: Ktll Weck cat seventh, :ind Juniors :ind semors always eat eighth m will be the ncx1 full week of order to help late ealcrs over school. come their hunger. Jonathan Goldmon- How Ill-Prom Rcmst1tu1ed Mr. Miller- Afier much about th1s ... Homcroom and eatmg! Students c.an cat dur dehberatton and thought, we have deci ded to mst1tute :1 ing homeroom! Oh my God11"s perfect! lmagmc tlus. A senior prom. Robbi GoldminlZ- Before special club for people who want to cat then. I'll be presi you get too excited, there are dent of Varsity Eating. We can some rules and logistiCS you must hear. Please hstcn and get sweatsh1ns ... extra large. Josh Halpern- Whal aboul poy auent,on os Dr. Shapiro the hockey team ·s muffins!? reads the Prom Preludes The muffins! The muffins! which every senior wtll Mr. Miller- Do you know 1ece1vc at Senior onentat1on. the muffin man? Dr. Shapiro- Thank you Rabb, Goldmin1z- The very much. muffin man? Rule #I: The senior prom Mr. Miller- The muffin dress code 1s as follows: Gtrls. man! Dress/skirt mus, be past the Rabbt GoldmtnlZ· Who knees· Sleeves must be to the lives on Drury lane? Yes I elbow. No v-ncck, low neck. know the muffin man! scoop neck, or anythmg of 1he Dem- Um ... perhaps we kind. Boys. No snc:ikcrs. Tics could crca1e some hierarchy. even thought the event will so that students \\ ho ha\'C bor i,ke pl,ce afier May I st. ing teachers or bonng classes Sh irts must have will always cat lunch earhcr. collars.Viola1ton of 1hc above I [owcver. students w ith nvet• noted will lead to suspension. mg classes and te:ichers, Ruic #2: There will be no because 1hcy don't think about mixed dancing at the prom. how hunb,'T)' they arc, can \\'311 We ,vtll provide for s1meha , hllle longer 10 cot lunch. d o n e , n g Ms. Kola1ch- Swcellc, Music will be provided by 1he that's a reolly good ,de,. Ramoz Band and Ramoz Rabb, Boks1- Re'ayon Mtddle School Chorus. yafeh! Rule #3: The prom will Jesse- I propose lhot we start al 6:30 PM and end at 8 create an cxplorntory eomm11- )'M. Lateness to the prom will 1cc to decide which classes get be counted as tardmess to a preference and which don't. regular class. School will Conclusion: hierarchy resume at standard lime the will be looked mlo. Ro1atmg next day. lunches moy be implemented. Rule #4: There will be • mm1mum of 20 teachers chap JI-Kill Week ero�ing the prom. And tf thcrc Aficr the successful ts high demand to altcnd the a1temp1 ot Chtll Weck, 1he event, more teachers may GO. wants to continue dtfTer chaperone. Teachers arc cnt types of weeks. allowed lo come late to Jesse- Now thal the school 1hc following day. sophomores have stopped Ruic #5: Prom ts a manda complammg, I suggest we gel tory school ne11v1ty. Rabb,
Goldmtntz- Thank you, Dr. Shap iro. The prom facully odv1scrs are Dr. Jucovy, Rabb, Btencnfeld, ond Dr. Hannon. I now tum your attention to Dr. Jucovy. Dr. Jucovy- The firs, order of bus mess that we must take care of 1s which 1cachers would ltke 10 come. Mr. Campagno con you deciay the s1mcha dancing music w11h Mr. Kuck? Mr. Campagno- We would love to! Mr. Miller- We should stop for now. Conclusion: 1111s chagiga commlltee wi ll organize 3 prom for the senior cl:1ss grad ual.Ion. Students from the m1d <lle school and facully will cntertam. rv.frces for Freshmen Something dcba1cd by SFAC for mony decades has been the quondary of whether to give freshmen frees. SFAC ponders the same problem that our ancestors have . Dr. Jucovy- Freshmen h:i\'cn 't had frees smcc the Giants left New York.. .. thosc were the days. It was a tragic day for us all. First, the Giants leave, then the freshmen frees arc taken away. D.:irrm Yankees. Dem- It has been the long standing gncvancc of the freshman classes smce the very first Ramaz frc.shm:in cl,ss, tha1 1he nghts of the third form student a. r e mfnngcd upon by hts lock of free pcnods. The lime has come for freshmen to untte. I, as a Junior, feel the suffering of those lower classmen. Friends, 11 1s ume to empower them. Freshmen- l-lcrc! I kre! Dem- (Thanks freshmen for their support) I have wnt ten a poem m 1amb1e pcn t:J.metcr for my camp:ugn to gi ve free periods to freshmen. All /11gliscl,ool freslm1e11 From all the schools 111 A1an/rauan. As far as the eye can see. All of 1/iem /iave frees I Tl,ey frol1ck a,idplay, A11dprance away 1/ie <lay, Give frees to our freshmen. So our school can be a tent Mr M1llcr- Wow. Thal's all I con say. Wow. Robbt Bakst- I believe I have never been more strong ly moved to consider g1vmg the freshmen frees. Hod the student government resorted to poetry e,rhcr, we nt1ght have made many more con cessions. Conclus i on: Freshmen w1ll have six frees worked mto the ir schedules next year. Titc mce1mg ended al 5:23 PM.
Murch 2003/Adar U S763
The RamPagc
Pagc3
SEC Investigates Ramaz Business Investment Club
The two twins spend lots of time together. Eitan Hochster
Rabbi and Rabbi/Dr. Revealed as Siamese Twins By Miriam Krawitz '06
Ever wonder why Rabbi accomplished by famous Yaakov B1cnenfcld and Dr. pai rs," he stated. However, Abraham Bcrkowuz arc when asked to name famous always seen together? Dunng artists, politicians, statesmen the latest mandatory faculty and inventors who -worked physical e,,amm:itions, 11 was best as a duo, he was only able revealed tb:11 they �re S1;mcsc to come up wJth Bonnie and twms. Clyde, and Sacco and "Of course I k'11ew they Vanzetu. "How about H11lcl and were very close," rcm;irkcd an astonished Mr. Mi ller. "But I Shama1?" chimed m Rabb i never realized how close. I 81cncnfcld helpfully. "Or had always wondered why Simon and Garfunkel?" , "Aclually, it's nothing they came 10 each other's Job ip!Si;'f lCw \�.ht;l\ they �pphcl_ new•. to�.,, us,:· '- ,s:ud... .Jahna to Ramaz." R.oscnberg '064 ·,· "They're , For years Ramaz students always m each other's classes, have noticed that Rabbi they're always talking and 81cnenfeld and Dr. Berkowitz argumg m 1he hallways, 11 will always davcn next to each JUSt contmue the way it's other, have the same opinions been. r hope the adrrunistra m halakhlc debates and stt llon doesn't cause any prob next to each 01her every day in lems for them." the lunch.ro om. They11 also An, emergency n:cetrng • have been seen cornmutmg was called by the concerned back and forth 10 school admm1strat10n the day afier this mformauon was leaked together. ·•J guess we never nol!ced by school nurse Ms. Sharon that Dr. Berkowuz was always Schwebel. A sub-eomm1ttec on the left and Rabbi was quickly charged with the B1enenfeld was on the nght. task or reviewing the case unless you're facing them or from a vancty or perspectives. "\Ve want to know 1f this course," said Josh Kahn '06. "Where did you say they were will damage the psyche of JOmed?" he asked. For those their students, whether mean who arc wondering, they arc mgful rclat1onsh1ps wall con• JOmcd at the hip. tmue 10 be fonncd and 1f our We were ab!� 10 calch up 1mprcss1onable student body wuh Dr. Berkowitz and, of will take this as the nom1," course, Rabb, 81cncnfrld as said Dr. Gerald Zc,tch,k, the they became wedged m the school psycholog1s1. When 11 narrow door\vay heading was pointed out to Dr. Zeitch1k that both teachers arc down the east stairwell. "We were hoping 1ha1 no well respected by the student one would put ''Aleph" and body and 1hot all of Ramaz "Aleph" 1ogc1hcr," sa,d 1he seemed 10 be handhng this chagrined Rabb, 81encnfcld maturely, he slated, "Dcnml "We were hoping that no one can be a very dangerous would notice that we wc'nt out thing." When asked how lhey together, wcnl to the b,mah for an aliyah together and did will move forward, now that all those other things usually their secret has been uneov� reserved for one person. 11 crcd. Rabbi 81cnenfcl<l nnd ccrtninly made hagbn.h o lot Dr Berkowitz agreed that easier" they would handle this latest Dr Ocrkowlll ctiosc to adversity ns they have handled take o h1s1oncol perspective of everything lo this point. the situation. ·•Thtoughout Together. c1v1l11..at1on the greatest o.dvanccs have always been 1
Dy Miriam Krawitz '06 No one was prepared last mg m on the club's mcrcd1blc Jewish organization - 1hc Tuesday as a dozen men gams m such stocks such as Ramaz Busmess Investment dressed m dark suits and gov Barr Laboratoncs. Club." cmmenl issue sunglasses Countrywide Financial and \Vhen a reporter pomled entered Room 302 where the Yanan Medical Systems, all of oul that OrChem ,s a reputable Business Investment Club was which have defied the plum- company and that Mr. holding Jts weekly meeting. metmg equ111es market and Peterson 1s on African " E veryone against 1he wall," recently reached 52-week Amencan who probably 1s not shouted the first man m. ''And highs. acquainted with the Hebrew no one opens thctr mouth." "These were a snap to language, Burnham moved on "And no one opens his pick," said member Robert to his next shde. corrected Club Mantel 'OJ. "Barr Lllbs 1s a mou1h," "The case rcgardmg President Hamson Levy '03, leader m g<'.'ncnc drugs which Yanan Medical Systems 1s air 1-hs grammatical ms1ght was everyone knows arc hot tight," he stated. "1l1e father rewarded with a punch to the because of the high cos! of of a member of the business kidneys that lcfl Levy on the brand name drugs." investment club worked m ground wnlhmg in pain. The " Countrywide Fmanc1al 1986 at C1llcorp, the very rest of the group watched 1s a lcadmg residential mort- same bank that lo::mcd several open-mouthed as the files m gage company and everyone thousand dollars to a Mr. the room were quickly boxed, knows that real estate has Richard Levy, now CEO of computers confiscaled and been booming across the Yanan Medical Systems, to mvestmg records seized. nation. and so lhat was a sim- buy a new Corvette. This W1thm minutes the federal pie pick,'' reflected club mem- clearly proves 1he company agents were gone, lcavmg a ber Jordana Zizmor '03. has been lcakmg ms1de mfortotally ransacked room behind "The choice of Yanan mat,on 10 the Business 1hem. Investment . -:;,,""(:w,. �-__ The mys- Club . .i__,:__ tery was C II cleared up shut off the next morning proJcctor the when d n a Regional walked off Manager of the stage th,s S,,.CfUflllFi Ignoring '!!l. ana Exchange bo1h the Comm1ss1on, ques11ons R o b e r t from the Burnham, press and showed up at C h Ramaz bran extremely dishing sub bewildered and poenas Ramaz stu accusations. dent body. RIC Ramaz. A rob to attempts rcprcst'ntative Hochster E1tan .. \V c 111e local press was gathered at the front of Mcd,cal Systems was easy." arc convinced that despite 1he the budding as he lcfl and he added David Zobel '03. "This fact tk1t dozens of Ramaz par issued the following state- Palo Alto-based company 1s a en1s work as bankers, mutual ment: leader 1n oncology and X-ray fund managers, mtcmauonal "For some tm1c, we have equipment. We snapped II up ponfoho m::magcrs and indus been watching the success of at 32 m July and by January 11 try analysts, there has been Business zoomed up to 52. A piece of absolutely no use of tha1 mfor Ramaz the Investment Club with keen cake for any investor." mat1on by the students." said however, Mr. Rochlin, When asked Burnham, interest. \Vlule the rest of the country suffered doublc-d1g1t remained skeptical as his how he could afford the vin mvestment losses last year, statement at Ins press confer tage Aston M:irtm he has been somehow these students not cnce the following day md1- dnvmg to school, Mr. Rochlin only weathered the stonn but cated. Backed by New York responded, "It was a g1n for also 1al11ed an mcreasc of D1stnetAttomcy Ehot Spitzer, my second child at !us btrth. more than 47% on their who has already successfully Smee he's too young to dnve. mvc strncn1s. \Ve arc con- prosecuted severalWall Street l'm breaking 1t m for him:· Rabbi Bakst, returning vmccd that the close tics of firms, Burnham refuted the their parents and other rela protestations of mnocenee from ;:i recent vacation m Palm Spnngs and preparing for n l\vcs to the investment banks, from club members. Burnham began with the comfortable rc11remcnt, also portfolio managers and corpo rate boards of directors have evidence regardmg Rnmaz's scoffed at the notion lhat with Ramaz students might be provided them w1th :icccss to involvement Financial. guilty of play111g the market 1nformat1on," Countrywide privileged "You will note," he said as he from the inside. Bumhnm concluded. "·n1esc thc;-oncs ore clcarWhile 1he s1udc111S frnnu pul the picture of the board of cally called their otlomcys, d1rectors on the screen behmd 0' bogus" he said while quick Mr. Rochlin was given per him, "that Mr. Oscor Peterson ly chcekmg his Role, before m1ss1on by the admm1strallon 1s on the board and he 1s CEO heading oul to catch the lntcst to view some of lhc charges of o company called OrChem. news about cotton futures on We h:ive consulted our Jewish !he Commod111cs Exchange. pressed agamst the students "Dosed on the evidence, 11 colleagues 01 1he SEC nnd the ''Just trymg to do my part to docs oppeor that the sclcctmns name -'OrChem • - 1s 11 cbrcw help the economy," he of the Inveslmcnt Club war for 'Ihm hghl.' We fim1ly cxplnmcd os he headed out the rant a review," l·lc noted thnt beheve thol Mr. Peterson hos door, the SEC was spcc,ficolly zero- been rclaymg 111fonnn11on to o
Page 4
March 2003/Adar II 5763
The llamPogc
Barak and Lookstein Sign Long-Overdue Peace Treaty
lly Lohav llnrkov '05
Security guards patrol the Ramaz building. Eitan Hochster
Gary Coleman Hired as Guard
lly Gabriel Oppenheim '05 ln an cffon to m:ix1m1zc of Ramaz decided on Gary the performance of ns feeble Coleman to fill the lobby security taskforcc, Ram:iz guard vacancy. "Of course. we recently hired G:uy Coleman weighed and reviewed our as the new lobby guard. opuons many llmcs and aficr Last year, m the aficm1ath much rnt1ocmatmg, we chose of 9/11 , Ram:iz took the prc Coleman over the other mam cau11011ary s;ifcty measures of candidates, Verne Troyer and mstalhng bullet-proof glass Eddie Gaede!,'' Rabb, Bakst and cmploymg scntnes to pro• elobor.itcd. tcct its entrance. Lately, how• "Coleman certainly has ever, the team of experience in sentinels has this hne of come under fire work," Mr. for being. to Miller noted. quote An Samot "He's had '05, "puny and more security weak." Jobs than our .. T h Os e Bible teache� ' sc:cunty guys have had hired b a b i e s ." they couldn"t harm a • • Co l e m a n ' s Samot fly," qual1fic::i.t1ons c o m p I a I ncJ. • mclude star However, stu- lzOn WaS SO nng as Arnold dents wcrcn't Jackson m the the only ones S 1 t C O m disturbed over "D, f f ' r e n t '' the lack of safeStrokes" and making guest ty. '"Dus place IS S" hke totally mseappearances on cure and I Just I don't feel pro ''The S1mpsons" as a secunty tected," grumbled Ms. Klem. guard. The student body had Dr. Berkowitz echoed the same thought, "By employmg mixed reacuons about hmng a few frali 'guards,' the Coleman. "I mean, sure he administration Is trymg to seems hke he'll hold up well, throw sand m your eyes, Just but then again so did the hke they did when they tned Sephard,s," opmed Ehe to convmcc you students that Lowenfcld "05. "I think it's 2Chill Weck was a good thmg. 1 against him haV1ng a longer This move ts totally ,llegih tenure than the ::i.verage Ramaz Spanish teacher," matc." With their usual tact and Lowenfcld added. Emliy Hammerman '04 grace, the admm1strat1on 1mmcd1a1cly sci out to molli was more opt1m1st1c, "\Veil, I fy the students and facuhy was m 1hc darkroom m the Their lirst move was to lire middle of a Dr. Hannon the lobby guard. Rabb, French class when l found out Goldmintz. explammg the about the new guard and l guard's d1sm1ssal. cluc1dated, really thmk he'll make Ramaz "\Veil, obviously everyone a snfer place " Mr Coleman couldn't be wanted ne\\ secunty ,, atch mcn, but the adm1n1strauon rc:tchcd for comment, os he wo.s so busy scmng up fire was busy prcppmg for h,s showdown dnlls, we barely had the time arm-wreslhng 10 handle the guard snuation."' wnh a French poodle on Fox's Eventually, a0er much Man vs Beast II. dehber.illon, the head honchos
"Everyone wanted new Security watchmen but the admznzstrab
. USY Setfzng
Up five
drz·zz
Aficr years of violent argument Ms. Barak ;md Rabbi Lookstcm signed o peace treaty on January 15. 1111s trcuty cntntls the annual the commcmorat1on of anniversary of Y1tzhak Rabin's death along with the proh1b111on of Labor and Shmu1 propaganda ,n Hebrew classes. Whlic Ms. Barak and Rabb, Lookstcm have been arguing for a very long tune, the last straw for Ms. Barak was when the school f:ulcd to observe Y,tzhak Rabin's yarzhc11. "! was outr.igedl" she cxclauned. "Rabm 1s one of the most important figures m Israel's history and should be treated as such." She responded to the neglect by playmg lsrach music to her classes with subhmmal mes sages which turned the stu dents into mindless drones who endlessly protested the lack of respect for Rahm. She also coerced the rest of the Hebrew department to assign rcpons on R::i.bm, many of which arc currently on display m rooms 305 and 503. Rabbi Lookstein once again riled Ms. Barak's by failing to commcmorotc prop erly the secular anniversary of Rahm's death. Ms. Barak then
went on n teaching strike, g1v• mg all of her classes free pcn ods m protest. This, needless 10 sny, outraged Rabb, Lookstein, who then called a meeting between °Lhc two fac ulty members. At the meeting, they d,s cussed their predicament, try mg to solve problems w11h each other ·s pohc1cs, ranging from Ms. Borak's insubord1nntton, and Rnbbi LooksIem's lack of consideration for opposing more left-wing opm1ons on Israel. Five hours
"This Proves that miracles can happen. "
later. they came to a truce, and signed the "Ramaz Accords." These accords consist of the annual commemoration of Yitzhok Rabin's yarzheil with an assembly on an A/vf 3ssem bly, PM assembly or advisory day (and a small clause which would pcmut 311 three on the same day 1f Ms. Bar.ik desires.) It is wnttcn m the accords that ..the aforemen tioned assemblies must inc1ude' a ve-ncrnt1on of our fonner pnme-mimster and his efforts to make peace m Israel." However, while he is
welcome to, Rabbi Lookslcm 1s not required to speak at or even to attend the assembly. TI1e treaty also allows Ms. llorak and all members of the Hebrew department to explain the views of any Israeli poilll cal party to her students 1f shc speaks of them ''m a non brnscd \vay, not showing per sonal leanings and preJu d1ccs." The only exception to tlus rule 1s Shmui, the ant1rchg1ous movement, whose views should not be men tioned by teachers unless a student asks about them. Rabbi Lookstem wanted to add a clause requ1nng teach ers to denounce Shmu1. I lowever, Ms. Barak refused to sign 1hc accords unless 1t was removed, c,tmg the first amendment.In teaching about a spec,tic poh11cal party, the teachers arc also required to present the views of the opposing pollllcal parties in the same fashion. Teachers arc not allowed to use more class llmc on one poht1cal pany th3n another. A student, who \Vlshed to remain anon,rmous, saw Ms. Barak and Rabbi Lookstein leave the Slxth''floor office, and cxC1a1mcd ..She was actu• ally sm1lmg! This proves th3t miracles C3ll happen."
Yearbook in Peril By Zachary Liebmann '06
The Ramaz Yearbook, an behalf of h,s co-cdnor Josh annual pubheation, is at risk Halpern '03. "It"s simply that of not bemg published amid our staff has not done what 1s conflict and strife between 1ts bcmg asked of them. They ed1to� and staff. Arguments d1dn't toke the pictures ,n a and turmoil have threat ened the trad1ll0n of bcmg published this year. "I have never been worried about the yearbook. The editors and staff have a l w a y s w o r k e d together to create the best possible pub llcauon," says Joan Dr. WarshaII, foc ulty adviser, The RamPagc Editors work peacefully. "but l fear that this will be 1hc first year with prompt manner and arc 1101 out the yearbook." collecting essays that ilrc to be The editors of the year placed in the yearbook." book feel that they have done When told of tltc eduors' all they can m prcservmg the response to the matter, the yearbook. "II ,sn't completely general staff of the yearbook our fauh," said Aaron Kap1to was shocked. "The edllors do '03, speaking (as usual) on not know what they arc talk-
mg about," said Laura Krule '06. Nathaniel Wydra '03 was outraged: "In all of my four years working on the year book, the editors have never been as irresponsi ble as they are th1s year. I am extremely s u r prised about what is happen mg "Thc yearbook IS the sole r e s p o n si bility of the student body and t h O S C working on 1t," said Eitan Hochster R a b b i Bakst. "I was hopmg that this would never be a problem. However ,the adm1mstrat1on will not mtcrfcrc. It seems that the publication will unfortunately falter this year because of those students who are rcspon51ble."
March 2003/Adar n 5763
The RamPagc
Page 5
Freshman Banned from Broadway
By Gabriel Oppenheim '05 On October 14. after ,, ord 'edifice'." When cor behaving atrociously at :i per rected by .i more 11ttcnuvc formance of "Antigone." the peer that the frequently used freshman grade was offo:inlly word in '"Antigone" was in banned from attending any fact 'Oedipus.' the defense more Broodway shows. promptly stopped. too embar Th e proh1b1t1on "as r3sscd to continue. decreed by the Amenc:m �· Ir. M11lcr, reacting to the Theatre Wing and the Lc:1guc Broadway b:in, stammered, 1\rn random seniors lounge around, playing monopoly. of AmC'rican TI1eatrcs and "We did not leave Rllbm off Producers. -1 mean. rvc seen the c:ilendar purposely and b:Jd audiences. , , 1 you cannot prove but wow. these othcrw1sc. I kids were s1mmean. yes J agr« • ply the with the ATW Q that the n,nthsaid Isabelle St cv cn graders deserved By Nicole Demby '06 ch:urman of , this punishment A health warning 1s bcmg dents out from school wnh the for their out- issued to students and teachers virus has been substanual and the Amcnc:m The:,tre Wmg. Q land1sh con- alike'. If you sec a group of 1s expected to nse with the f scntors sittmg m the lounge beg1Mmg of the new semesJ e d • duct:· Bcrnste,n.WQS US M s hstenmg to music or even just ter. { J Newman, who talkmg, do not walk w1thm ten Scmonus has no kno'Y" president of coordmatcd the feet of them. Sentontis, the cure although the odmmistiathe League of trip to seasonal ep1dem1c that comes 11on 1s workmg hard with Ms. AmcrIc an "'Antigone," was every year, 1s swec-pmg Slomm ,n the fifth noor lab to Theatres andR extremely d1sa1r through the 12th grade. find a remedy, which Ms. Producers. Teachers arc hdplcss to Slonim has been expcnment pointed m her a g r c c d . first year slu- stop the onslought of this virus ing with on her AP Biology " Th ose dents. "It's just which IS caused by the realiza and AP Environmental classmadc e/ and ndiculous that tion that school is mc-aningless cs. loud Smee the seniors arc not offcnsive14 the freshmen af\er one has already applied ·,.·,.. ' •.,.� '" -.ibu.scd � trip. -to College. Symptoms mclude worrying about work.. they 0 "' tha n t he It's really very extreme laziness� a decrC'3.SC m may become very hosule and :: e r a g e Ramaz band" disheartening, work ethic, and a severe l:ick reson to their favonte past• especially smee of caring. The number of stu- time, picking on lower-classA few Dr. Shapiro and I ninlh•gradcrs " arranged for defended their Q FLIK to prepare talkauve classmates. saymg. special Greek By Roni Joseph .. codfish sandC'mon, give Sccmmgly without wam buildings and Congrega11on 115 a break, that play was JUSI wichcs for the freshmen to cat mg, a mystenous and power Kch1lath Jcshurun out of ser hke a Rllmaz yearbook. II before the play." Lcttmg ful VlnJS h:1s broken out at ,•,cc :md give them 3 scrub was bonng, made no sense. FLIK cod go to waste - now Ramaz, wreaking havoc with down," staled Dr. Q. N,rdhnc, and they kept on using the that's a tragedy. the health of students and fac of the Jlcalth Department. Dr. ulty. 111c virus, thought to Nardhnc called m spcc1ahsts have been lymg donnant m from the Center for Disease the school building since 1ts Control in Atlanta, GA mtroduct1on on Parent because he felt that the city's Teacher Sunday, 1s so effica resources were not sufficient cious that some thought has to slem the tide of the virus. CDC cpidcm,ologist been given to elosmg the By Yoscf Aaron cnure building for a complete Ilolland A. Merica, who trav plained of temperature-related Ten Ramaz studcnlS were eled to Ramaz from her out disinfection and cleaning . admitted to Lenox I hi! illnesses. Mr. Kenneth Rochlin, the post m Alask:i, concurred, Wlllle the hospitalized Hospital last week suffenng administrator of the Upper stating that the eight students from pncumoma-hkc symp students seemed to have been School, hopes to stem the udal and faculty who were infected hit the hardest, dozens of oth toms in the aflcrmath of a fire wave of illness and to contain with the virus have required dnll held on Jonu,ry 13, one ers were forced 10 stay home the contamination m the 78th hospitalization. The- symp from school in the last week of this winter's coldest days. Street building ,lone, but toms of the ,·irus, according 10 With temperatures an the low of classes before January mspcctors from the New York Ms. Merica. include nausea finals, m1ss1ng valuable rwcn11cs and a v1c1ous wmd C11y Board of Jleahh have :rkm to thJ.I of sc:1s1ckness, gustmg up to 25 miles per rcvtcw time. According 10 warned that the ,•1rus has and lugh fever. Ms Malamy, the absentee list hour. students were forced to In response, Mr. Rochlin probably already sprcod to the cvacuale 1hc building and was the longest 11 hns been m Middle ond Lower Schools. s.11d that whn1c, er happened, all 1hc years she has worked at sl!Jnd outside for several min "Jlus virus has struck wnh the lu: wan1cJ the bulld111gs to utes m the frrg1d wc-ather. 1\ Rarnaz. ''We h:id about 40% force of an ocean liner I feel reopen before Punm. of the school out.'' Is. few students \\ere called oul that 11 \\ 111 c,·entu:illy be nec "Students ha\ e really been Malamy claimed, "and of gym chm for the affair nnd essary to ta�c all three <chool looking forward lo that alxc-n1cc1sm w;n also had to .iand in 1-sh1r1s and lcilcher .. l11�h 1horts 1n the arctic cond111on1 According 10 Mr Miguel AlthouKh �uphomorc:s were no more exposed 10 the Oliva, building ,upcnnlcn cold th:m \HTC student! of dcnl, Lhc bell, were unJcrgo other grade,, the tenth graders mg one of 1hc renod,c tests conslllulcd :1pprox1matcly 50 performed by the rire (co111J1111e,I o,i page 7/ percent of those who com-
c mon,
Senioritis Sweeping Senior Grade
wors1:·gzve US
son.break fh { p ay
like a amaz mkod, srl}earbook. Tt was boring' and made 1
{
,.,.,'
-•
n
Eitan Hochsler
sense.
Fire Drill Leaves Students Chilly
mm. Scnionus has been linked wnh msamty. Bodies used to the strenuous demands of the Ramaz Upper School have trouble adapting to the quick drop m academic pres sure. One logical solution seems to be to lighten the workload of the 3\'erage Ramaz student. This way, when the notonous second half of 12th grade rolls around. the change m stress levels will be much less dnls t1c. Our hopes and prayers are with the parents and relattvcs of the �II. and we Join them in thcir pica to the school: "Less workl No sc:niont1s!"
Mystery Virus Strikes Cnm,vul, and I don't want them to be disappointed," he continued. Mr. Ira Miller. Upper School Hcodmaster. said that he planned to cooper ate-eompletcly ""th the CDC and the city's Health Department. "\Vc don't want to miss the boat on this one," he claimed. Mc stressed the fact that the health ome,als could not have been nicer, oddmg thot "Holly ,s a real princess." Distressed over missed school umc, Rabbi Jlaskel Lookstein mvitcd the well known Norwegian celebrity hcolth expert.. Dr. Roy L. C:ubc;m m 10 ::assess the s1tua t1on. Unfonuna1ely, nenhcr of Dr. Carbcan 's crews were :wnil:iblc unul :iflcr the Punm hol1d,y. leovmg Robb, Lookslem ond the school ol sea as 10 \\ hat to do about tlu: cns1s.
The RamPage does not welcome your letters or comments. In fact, we're sick of all the stupid things that you send us and we're tired of having to put up with all the abuse we get after each wonderful issue.
Page 6
March 2003/Adar U 5763
The RamPage
Doctora Admits to Spying for CIA
Cell phones have plagued Ramaz.
Eitan Hochster
Cell Phones Spread Through School
Dy Malka Fleischmann 'OS As the world makes 1ech nolog1cal advances mto the 21st century, the Ramaz Upper School follows closely behind. It has become appar ent that more and more Ramaz students have, of late, acquired cell phones. lnstcad of boys gathenng m groups to play hacky-sack, they now stand m packs creating shnll harmonics w1th the newest phone rings. Also, studcnlS can convcmcntly "pass notes"' m class by text messaging. which comes m cspcc1ally handy dunng tests. Those students who did not have enough time to mcm onze their fellow classmates· essays during the history exams on the infamous final day fire dnll were able to take care of business upon return mg to their testing rooms. "Gosh." remarked an anony• mous JUntor. "I just don't know, hke, how I would have ever passed that final without my cell. It totally saved my hfc!" (n response to how her parents feel about cell phones. the Junior replied, 'They upgrade my cell every few months 10 make sure my test ing doesn't suffer. They"ll do anything to gel me 1n lo Harvard." Dr. Berkowitz finds 11 odd when a Ramaz student docs not have a cell phone, and full1 supgorts the use of them outs1dU01or f>the classroom. 1 TnlC fb'1us profession as a Ins tory teacher, he also traces the
J ushficatton of cell phone usage back to the Amish com munlly. '"The Amtsh, who don't use corded phones, w11l use cell phones because their oncntatlon to cells 1s not one of oppos1uon. They see them selves as the last holy commu nity in the world, so they don't want to be phys,cally connect ed to the rest of society by telephone wires. Cells oper ate by throwing beams through the air: !here 1s no physical conncctton involved. The Amish gcpe�tc their O)VTI energy, which 1s a small enough amount to charge the tiny battery of the cell phone," he reported. Despilc Dr. Bcrkowllz's condoning cell p'hone use, other faculty members. such as Ms. Bar-Gal. despise these lmy 1001s of commumcation. Ms. Bar Gal explained that she lacks Dr� Berkowitz's enthusiasm because of a recent incident that took place in one of her lenth grade class es. Apparently, the usually rowdy group was even more unruly 1han ever, their cvcr worscmng behavior culmmal rng lit a noisy cell phone --uproar." Afier synchron1z1ng tlteir phones, all the students programmed them to play "'Silent Night"" at exactly 4:30. ,s enough!"" "Enough screamed Ms. Bar Gal, who ran to the 1eachcrs lounge m order to assemble a team of foculfy members to confiscate the phones.
By Gcoffery Kldcrman '05 After many long years, Dr. Warshall has finally admitted her alter ego as a CIA secret agent. The announcement came when Dr. Warshall felt that she could no longer take all of the bother some questions she had received from students as to her secret hfc. "I am sorry to announce that all of these years I have been a secret spy for the Central Intclhgence Agency." confessed Dr. Warshall. "I apologtzc lo all of the people whom I have disappointed, but stop annoy mg mc!" Although most were shocked by this announce ment, many claimed to have seen 1t comm g. 1 knew she was a spy," claims Todd
Snider '05. "She always refus es to disclose any mformatlon h's hke we never even knew our own teacher." "I don't believe 1t/' declared Lily Namenworth, '05: "She teach es Latin, five Spanish classes, runs yearbook and the fore11:,.� language department. and m her spare time she's a secret agent!" Indeed. the yearbook staff was thrown by this revcla uon. "ls your name really Or. Warshall, though?"' Josh Halpern '03 asked the agent doctor nervously. Students had always been inlngucd by "Doctora's" secrecy. She was always on time but frequently absent. Nobody ever knew where she hved. Nobody ever knew
where she would go on "vaca tion" (not even which coun try). She paid 10 NOT have her phone number m 1he phone book. "Perhaps we should have known all along," said Ben Bernstein '03. But after this newsbreak, one could not help but suspect other members of the Ramaz faculty as secret agents as well. \Vhat happens 10 teach ers like Ms. Gorfinklc who tends to miss her class sporad ically? What do faculty mem bers like Rabb, Segal and Dr. Ze1tch1k actually do all day long? Where ts Ms. Bene! always running? Could they be m on this too? Further mvcstigation 1s certainly pending.
By Saroh Boxer '03 Dr. Joshua Gaylord, notable member of the Ramaz English Department, is known for his passion for classic nov els. student ennchmcnt, and reality telev1s1on. However, behind this friendly ex tenor of Cahfomrnn 1genllht.y i and color--coordmated outfits lies a hidden pnvatc hfe Just reccnt ly'uncovcrcd. For while Dr. Gaylord claims to be happily mamcd, research has proved that hts supposedly perfect wife docs not actually exist at all-she 1s simply a cover for the lonely bachelor life that Gaylord leads. Dr. Gaylord claims that his wife (who cunous1y docs not share his last name. explammg why lhcrc arc no Mrs. Gaylords to be found on record) works at a tlunk tank 111 Washington, D.C. Lost year. the story was that she was teaching at a university upstate. Conveniently, she loo was a,, English professor a field that Gaylord himself knows a 1hmg or h\lO about, and would probably be able to discuss in depth 1f asked about. conveniently enough. Even though disguising his "wife"' as an English 1cachcr would have seemed hke a
good enough cover, Dr. Gaylord felt the need to sud denly swttch her "profession" and "location·· this ye.ar. (Perhaps too many of hts ex students would be attending school upstate, posmg a direct threat to the •credibthty of hi story?) , enough. Interestingly whenever Gaylord's wife 1s m town, she 1s 1mmcd1atcly whisked off-either to the cou ple"s New York City apart ment orlo some distant locale. Jn tcnns of hor time 111 Monhauan. Gaylord rcfusl's to allow his students to meet her for fear that they would ""hkc her more than him.,. In fact, h,s pupils really ha\'C no idea of what this phantom woman even looks like (""big eyes" does not real ly seem a. sufficient answer) and find II a btt odd that when she docs come home, upon askmg their teacher whnt sort of romnnltc dinners or nights on the town he had had the night before, he mstcad ram bles ,n depth about sitcoms ,md commercials. When Gaylord docs decide to let his "wife" out for some air. they 1mmed1ately venture out on some far away
Journey, like out \Vest to v1s1t h,s family. Speaking of Gaylord"s family, 1t 1s also mlcrcstmg to note the alarmingly high divorce nght Lhat his siblings possess, wh,ch Dr. G:iylord cohstant1y,1 boasts ,1ofl11 ✓i�c1 claims that every single mem ber of h,s immediate and extended family has endured some son of harrowing divorce. All of the preceding evidence leads then to one question: How 1s 1t that Dr. Gaylord l11msclf has managed 10 end up m on 1mpcccable, legal, and perfectly sane mar nagc? Sadly. Dr. Gaylord really 1s Just sporting the bachelor's hfe. This explains the take out dinners, the avid telcv1s1on viewing, and the ovcrflowmg garbage m his ap3rtmcnt that he details to h,s classes. The only ,ssue lefi at hand ,s that of the affinity for theater and m:itehmg shirt-and-tic ensem bles .. The sooner Gaylord sim ply comes clean, the sooner he can stop livmg his hes and makmg up stones (:1lbc1t with clever theses) about 111s faux mamagc and completely bor, mg hfc.
11
Dr. Gaylord: Man of Mystery
Creative New Classroom Settings
(Co11fl1111etl from page I) order to allow freshmen to rcnch their dcst1nat1ons.·· The c1gh1h noor was another option for a possible An classroom locauon anonymous suggestion was to use II as on mtcracuvc hcnllh classroom /\c.lm1n1s1rntors quickly dismissed that propos al.
S1orbucks became a cus lomary moth classroom, allowing students caffcme fixes m order to solve doily "Challenge Problems:· Teachers feared that the Starbucks staff would realize that their scatmg nccommoda t1onS were bcmg explo11ed1 but od1111111s1ru1ors knew thnt lhc1r womcs were for naught.
1l1cy were well aware that frappaccmo midday snac� Ramaz. students would hnve "Also," she added, "the other no problem doling out their customers arc extremely .SJ 50 for n cmnmcl 111:1cchrn- friendly, oflen J0mmg the to, g1v111g them cl:llm 10 their clnss's coffee klatch to rcm1 111sec abo111 1hc1r first S\' cct seals. Dr Robbrns adrn,llcd that hcnrt, the qundmhc equation." So for, the new class the thought oftcnch111g • class m Stnrbuck's made her wary rooms have proven cfTcc1ivc, nt fir.it, but her swcec tooth but there 1s n chance that w11h wonned 10 the idea of n mocha a lnrgcr number of freshmen 4
occcptanccs• m 2003, these spaces won't be sufficient. A potcnllal venue for classrooms rmght be the elevators. Mr. Klott. reasoned thnt 11 would be on nppropnolc sc11111g for teaching the laws of 1>hys1cs, wluch involve the study of motion.
March 2003/Adar ll 5763
Page 7
The RamPage
F.L.i.K.- F ish Lovers in Kooking By Geoffery IGderman '04 In an :1s10111shmg spcctaclc last week, FU.K's famous lunch menu at the entrance 10 the �fctcnn lacked :1 fish entn'c, Students and faculty alike could not beli eve their eyes. Many 1mmcd1atcly ran franhcally around the lobby. not knowi ng "hat to do \Vllh their new lunch. "I'm pretty sure my stomachs no,, l:lck the enzymes required for d1gcstmg any food besides fish," commented a fnghtcm:d Levine �h•· wn 04 . 1111s spcc13J event marked 1he CO , end of an ,mprcss1ve FLIK run spanning 498 " / consecuuvc fish W 1l / lunches. the current world record. FLIK decided to go for the record a few years back when Mr Rochli n found :m underground fish store that sold all sorts of seafood at dirt-chC3p pnccs ..For prices like those," adm i tted Mr. Rochhn. "I couldn't rc-stst JUSI buymg the entire store. It was Ihm th.:11 I decided 10 tum lhe FLIK menu mto a. rotailon of fish enlJ'cc..s wh ich looked dif ferent but csscnually were all .. the same thmg. It wasn't long until Mr, Rochlin and his crew found themselves callmg the Guinness Book of World Records to record the streak over its durauon of several years. ThC' prev i ous record m school cafetenas was 11 con sccuttve days. •·1 never even had to look at the menu," complmncd Ben Gordon, '03, ··1 alway� knew
that there would be either fncd fish. cod. salmon, wh ite fish. or, nt the very least. tuna!" "I'm nllcrg1c to fish1 ' exclaimed Ehad Shop1ro, '04. "I've been brmgmg m my own peanut butter and Jelly sand "'ehcs every day for lunch smcc I amvcd m the Upper School." "If I were a student who aclually pays for this lunch," cxp'3mcJ Ms. Klem . "I "ould have s1�u1cd com pl:unmg a long lime ago.'' Slowly, more Robert Ferer makes 2no1hcr soda �ale to a Jbm2z studrnt. and more students began mc1:1mg in Mr. M1llc�s office IO , d1scu�s rhc ..fishy"' s1tua11on. lS , "It's not fair that we hove to suffer " JUSI so FLIK can By Jon•than l\lcrkln '04 tr;' :md break a �f3ny sruden1s at Ramaz tmucs to heckle Ferer for stupid rccorJ." grumbled f'C'cogmzc Robcn fcrcr as the wc:mng his cap. Ph1ll1ps. '05. eleventh grndcr who sells soda Carol i ne Students and faculty al ike E,cntually, Mr, Miller got dunng lunch, Aficr lhc school saw Fcrcr's idea to sell soda around to puumg an end to the removed the soda machme. dunng lunch 3S quite clever. R1pken-esque streak, at least Robert deci ded to buy soda f\fany bcllew:d that he was for a day, cans on )us 0\\11 and sell them makmg S 100 a week and was "I learned one thmg from m school for profiL . this expcnencc. . stated Mr 11lat's what we thought M1llc:r. "'l never knew before In a recent confession by tl1nt• there. ,-.re so many dif the Ramaz administration, ferent ways to serve lhe same Robert Ferer was "hired" by fish.'' Meanwhile. Mr rhe school to sell soda. It Rochlin and h i s FLIK com turns out that the only rc-ason panions have not ye1 decided the school took away the cafe whether to continue ventunng teria soda machine was tn with new lunches. or to try order to make an t\·en larger and beat their own consccuprofit. In exchange for Fcrer's fish-lunch u vc record. services as school soda ven savmg the money for an the Assistant J l owever, dor. R:unaz has allowed him expensi ve i;1ft for himself. Admin i strator h:is expressed a to "alk around the school Nobody questioned his desi re to begi n a new quest to bu1ldmg wearing a red .1uthonty to sell the cooled break the consecutive me:n Nebraska Comhuskcrs cap. soft dnnks and students, as ball-lunch record. Mrs. Garfinkle. however, well as 1cachers. bought his Gel your enzymes ready. never got the memo and con• soda.s tit S l each.
"Frz'edfish, d sal,non e fi h tUn a·I
Chill Drill
skills for NYSAIS n"t year. (co11ti1111etlfrom page 5) Everyone knows !hose sopho Department to assess the sys mores need to be toughened tem ·s workmg cond1t1on. ··\Ve schedule these tests for up," he said "A hrtlc cold m i d-January dcl1berarcly," never hun anyone. And hold mg a dnll during the week Oli va su11cd. "because we know only a lunatic would before finals when leachcrs thmk of call i ng a fire dnll arc not allowed to test was a org:m1za11onal when the wmd-d11ll foclor is stroke of genius, even 1f I do have to below zero," Molomy agreed. and thought 11 best to make an say so myself. 11,crc seemed to be an advantage to gcttmg announcement over the pubhc the tire dnll done during tlus address sys1em telling stu week so !hat 1t wouldn't end dents that the bells were bcmg up d1sruptmg • really impor tested. Iler announcement was tant tcsl Just 1magme 1f that shortly contradicted by• com· had happened," mand made by Mr. Miller, Miller expressed regret ms1ruc11ng all students to pro over the unfortunate n11s1akc. ceed w11h a regular fire dnll. "from now on. rm letting In tm own defense, Miller Ms. M,lamy schedule all fire said rhat he was only IO<'kmg drills in the school. She seems out for the swdcnts' best mlcr• 10 huvc a sixth sense for these esl.S. "\Ve had not had • tire th i ngs.'" he commcnlcd dnll i n 3 \'Cry long 11me. and Malamy will soon add 10 her we needed 10 prac11cc. We list of 1111c, 1he pos111on of also have 1o hone our fire dnll Chief Fire Dnll Admm,srruror,
E1tan Hochster
School Found Pocketing Profits of Local Soda Vendor
"What won't this school do to pocket some extra cash?"
Rabb i 81enenfeld com mented, "Why \"-'Ould anyone in Englewood need to sell sodas? I k must live on the wrong side of the tr:.cks."' Many students sa id that they \\ Ill stop buymg from Ferer now that they know of his true mtcntlons. h1s profits so the school. As a <b1ly buyer, Andn:::w Kluger, '04, sa id. "I cannot bcheve th:ll Robcn would do 1h1s, I am nc,'cr buymg soda from him ever agam. \Vhat won't lh1s school do lo pocket some extra cash?" As a result of the confes sion, the school has agreed to allow Ferer to sell lus sod:>.s and let him keep oll of h,s profits. ll1c school opolo g11ed for any mconvemencc 1t might have caused the student body
Heat Week to Broil Ramaz
8)' l\l:u:well Hyer 04 As many Ramaz students 1t1cs of Chill Wcek-llcat will fondly remember, last Weck. semcs1er was marked by Ch i ll This m1rror-oppos1tc \'Cr Weck - an unprcccdenled s1on of every student's week of fun al the Ramaz favonte week 1s set to take Upper School. For live days, place sometime after the end students cn1oyed a cam1val, of the third quarter. l.n add1t10n 11c dymg day, Batlle or the to asserting. its superiority Bands and vanous other forms over the GO, this "ex-penment of entertainment. m d1sciphne," as lleat Weck Although Chill Weck has been termed by the odmmreceived rave rcvu:ws from 1strnt1on, wall serve to 1llus the student body, members of lrtltc to NYSAJS that Ramaz the foculty and adm1111strnllon 1s mdeed a "lop-notch" mst1were not qui te as cnthus1ast1c 1ut1on Cilpablc of cxenmg high th1S lime the infamous GO had levels of d1sc1plmc over 11s gone 100 for. Somethi ng had sttldcnts. 10 be done. Inside sources that I lcrc 1s some of the "spe ha,·e requested anonymity cial progrnmm1ng" plnnncd have: leaked extremely pnv1- for llcnt Weck, Dress Code kged mfonna1ion that a 10ml v1olat1011s, one of the mosl faculty-adm1mstrallon con.sor- common mfrncllons nmong 11um hH spa\\'Jltd lhc ult1m:lle Ram37. slUdenls, will be dealt plol to strike back at rhe GO with sw1nly onJ mercilessly ond student boJy for the atroc- dur ing I lent Weck.. Students 1
found weanng sncaJ...ers (" uh out a pass from the nurse. th3l 1s) will have their sneakers confiscated and \\ 111 be forced 10 w3lk arounJ school m thei r socks: socks with holes will not be pcm11tted. Sneakers may be rcl.TIC\'l'd from , Mr. Goetz wnh a wnucn explana tion dc1:ulmg "hy the s ·tudcnt felt the need to break such dress code rcstncllons. If a plous1ble c:\phmnllon 1s not presented. students will have the option of buying back their sncaktrs nt 1w1ce the ir rct:111 pri ce. Any student caught lnlkmg dunng davrn ing wi ll hnvc lus or her mouth taped shut unt il the conclus1on of �crv1ces. It IS esllmalcd Lhnt tl11s pt1r11culnr rnc11�urc will go n long way m pkasmg frus• lrnted "dovenmg odv1scrs," (ronllnul'd 011 ,,age 8)
March 2003/Adar II 5763
Pa�• 8
The Raml'age
Varsity Lacrosse Team Wins Championship in Inaugural Season 8)' Doniel Weiner •OJ
R:am:u \':a.nit,• l:lcros.se tr:im ctlebr:ucs E1tan Hochster :iirter winning. tht'ir ch2mpionship gamt. The tram also linb:hcd the sc:ison undefeated.
Teacher Steals Finals
(continuedfrom page I) staff as a viol:uion of the honor system. Students. especially 1hose from the :affectc.d cl:1SSCS. did not seem par11cularly con� crmed by 1hc !hens. As 1,me passed and exams became 1mmmcnt1 students were adv,scd 10 con11nuc studying and were assured that the tests would be recovered. Members of Mr. llolzmgers honors biology class. however, ,,. ere spotted asking senior students an BC calculus 10 cs11m.:uc, us ing the laws of probab1h1y, lhc chances that the exams \\'Ould m fact be localed. When these math whizzes were unable to come up W1th a sitisfactory answa, the studtnts decided to ask Mr. Campagna for ass1st.:mcc. It walii then 1ha1 1h1s '"perfect cnmc· l>tgan 10 unravel. said Juhc 1:lsky "03. Eisley was sclec1ed 10 talk to Mr. CampagnJ m his office. which she found emply upon her amval. llo\,c,·cr, she knew lhal he "ould be back soon. as hn co.ii was on lus desk tu Ms F.lsky walked by h11 desk. heading for a ch:itr on the other °''de of 11. she '"acc1denrally brushed agam"il Mr C:ampagna's coat," she later 1old .1cJm1111,lralor,. pushing II 0010 lhc Ooor, expo�mg a pile of paper-. Jn<l
knocking some of them ofTlhc desk. As she bent down to pick 1hem up, Ms. Elsky nouccd a shrt'ddcr undaneath the desk. Looking then at the papen she woJ holding. she no11ced 1ha1 they were the missing finJI exams, she reported. Unaware 1hat Ms. Elsky was under his desk. Mr. Campagna returned to his office. but soon realized that either Goldilocks had been !here looking for porndgc. or a student or teacher had dis• co"cred the c.11..:101s. Mr. Campagna decided to come clean to Mr. Miller. and upon qucst1onmg admitted !hat he had siolcn the 01hcr subiccts· leSIS so 1hal his SIU• dents \\Ould spcnc.1 more lime studying for their math finals, lhus 1mprovmg their profi• c1ency in the subJeel. J\l1hough 1hc adm1mS1ra• uon \\35 dissatisfied wuh Mr. Campagna 's explanallon. admrn1s1ra1ors excused him for 1h1s lapse m Judgment m view of h1� "noble mtentions." D<sp11c 1hc foci 1hat 1hc miss mg exams were ult11natcly g iven a, scheduled. Mr. Campag.n3·s sulus among slu dcnl� was elevated to that of folk hero. and he has smcc been fc;uurcd 111 People M:1g:i11nc n� n nominee for the coun1ry', bc'il reacher.
We tried to think of some good jokes to put here, but only 2 out of 3 of us are genuinely funny. Thank yoJ'!..�%ur understanding. --Th� :itors who are funny '\
seniors:· observed mi dfielder. Danny Weiner "03. "I don·, know who will be _able lo lead the team as well as captain Daniel M. Weiner." Coach Daniel Wcmer also said 1hat he would nol be able to coach next season. ··Wuh Daniel M. Wemcr. D. Weaner. Dan the Man, Danny Weiner, and 1he rest of the guys gone:, 11 looks like rll have to go back to JUSt walking around with a suck prctendmg hkc I know how to teach lacrosse:· \\'cmcr 531d "'the guys th i s se:ison were Just so great. 1 hey \\Crc smart. funny. good-look ing. The team had so many fncnds. and was part of c,cry social group. Of course. they v. ere also amat ing lacrosse players. 1·m so attached to them. \VhcTc,·er .. 1hey go. I "'II follow. Capuun Dame! M Weiner .. was hopeful ,hat lacrosse will contmue to thrive: in Ramaz.. as tt has m the past few years. I wish the upcom• mg l�ms good luck.··
sa,d Daniel M. Weiner...After
all, Daniel W. ·03 (1hc defen sive captain) and our goalie Dan 1hc Man '03 have played extremely well throughout the season. Everyone on the team has jusl been great." .. Our team has ne,er played before. but ,., just worked hard, and picked up 1he sport prcny quickly;· defcnscman D. Weiner "OJ said. "Before 1his sc:ison, the fiercest opponent any of our players had faced \\as the wall 1n their backyard." "The guys on the R>mu team this ye:ar arc hard work ing athletes wuh tremendous stick skills," noted goahc Dan the Man. 'That's a combma1ion 1hal"s hard lo find." '"I can ·1 really take much credit. I don't think I really faced many shots this season. Now lhat I lhmk of 11. lhc only shots I faced resulted from guys on our team forgetting which way we were going. Sometimes they forget which team they arc playmg for." The team expressed con• crm about lhe chances for ncx1 season. 1"0ur team is all
(contimml from page 7) Any senior caught anemplmg to use an elevator oner dovcning will be forced to carry a freshman up the stairs and any JUmor found gu1lly of this hcmous crime ,v i ii be encouraged to give the closest 1cachcr a hn up stair well A to h,s or her firs, pcnod class. Freshmen and sopho mores c::aught w11hout an ck· vator pass will be duly mt1m1• doled by upper classmcn. Our administrators also came up with some com• .. . pclhng . ,cform, for the l ibrary and classrooms. Any student committing 1he age• old Ramn pract ice of usmg l ibrary computers to access other wcbs11es than "rarnaz org" will be given lhe esteemed honor of helping Ms. Nu,..sbaum with "1n1emet JUStlCC controls"-pocllc mdeed. Students who refuse to comply will be rcc1u1rcd lo wcnr socks on 1hc1r lrnnd� for the rcm�11ndcr of lhe c.lny thereby impeding dc,tcnty at 1hc keyboard. In order 10 mamlmn lhc high sl::mdard of our Rama, c:ducallon, pun1llvc mcaliurcs 1m1>lemcn1cd. may be Sludcnts rcce1vmg lower thnn 93o/. on any 1cs1 or paper thnt
week w1II be token to 1he eighth floor and summarily beaten by • sm•II fortt of Lubav1tch Chas1dim from Dorough Park. Funhermore. teachers have been assured that no class lime will be wasted on "silly assemblies" thal m1gh1 mad,crtcntly expose students to "cuhurc " "Some-one h::as got to set some standards around here!" excla imed Dr. Warshall al the plannmg session. In accor• dance with the admmrstr:n,on belief 1ha1 Ramaz Sludents should ha\'c ample physical exercise. 1herc wtll be daily gym pcnocls in ,, h1ch students must run the Canadian ''beep test." :m all tune Ramaz fovontc In aJd1t1on, the fin· gers of any students "ho do nol brmg locks for lhe,r lock ers will ha,c on unfortunate encounter with 3 sci of lock clippers. In order IO reduce the number of sophomores and un1ors who find 11 necessary 1 10 eat more: than one lunch a day, s1udcnts who 1111cmpt to dine Junng onothcr grade's lunch pcnod \\Ill be fed Ihm, (counl ·cm) portions of Fhk"s delic1ou� cud cakes for lunch (with some cherry JU1cc imported from lhc lower
. school to . wash 1t down"). \\'hen askc-d about this new rule. Mr. Miller replied ··"hy ha,·c one dehe1ous mca I "hen you can have three?" When lhe plan for llcat \Vcck was revealed to the entire faculty, II was mel with unanimous approval. R:1bb1 Goldmmtz no1ed that he had never seen the faculty "so col• .. lccuvcly lhnllcd 111 all hrs years a1 Ramaz " There was tl11s mdesccnt glow surround• mg the snmkmg faces of the faculty when we broke the news to them," he s:i1c.l. "I thought. we really must be on 10 something here." Dr. Gaylord notoriously ,11c111n1tcd by Chill Week's nsquc program, reportedly lhan�cd all 1hmc "110 had made 1t11s u1>comms event pollis1ble. cxela1mmg. "I'm glad no expense wJ.s sp:uN hcrc. I Just ean'I wall lo sec the looks on their face�." Al 1h,s "dark day•· draws closer, rt'nmaz s1udcn1.s \\1II hnvc hnle lo Jo bul prepare lhcmseh c� In light of the abO\ c foet.5, sludrnts �hould be prepared 10 foec one of 1he most e.crucm11ng Rnmnz \Hck, this side of qua11crfi• nals.
Ramaz's vorsuy lacrosse tc:im routed the opposiuon 170 10 close the season last week bo�, undcfca1cd and as the Yeshiva Lacrosse League ch.1mp1ons. Coached by Daniel Wemcr, the Ramaz learn won all of its league games, usual ly by wide margms. "We never really had any lough competition. It was as ii we were play ing by ourselves," noted \Veiner. II was the first yt•;ir for vars11y lacrosse al Rama1, wuh almost all of 1he team members playing the spon for the first time. "The fact that this was our first season and we sull did so well made our \'ICtory even more rcwardmg" claimed captain Daniel M. Werner '03. Daniel M. Weiner led the tt":l.m in sconng this season and scored the winning go:il in 1hc championship game. lie was quick, howc\·cr. to share the praise with h1s tc3mrnates for the mnarkablc season. ..I couldn't have done it alone,"
Heat week