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Freshly Shaven Boys Varsity Basketball Team Prepares to Ship Off for Tour of Duty in Af ghanistan
Jon Sterman, Ridiculously
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Good Looking Hacker E<traordinaire Did Nol Break into RamP.1ge's
System ,:md Write This
Student Reads the RarnPage Purim Issue, Reportedly Chuckles Twice
�rhe StamPede
Volume XXXIV. umber 6
Article
The Ramaz Upper School
�larch 200�/Purim 5764
Ramaz Fails NYSAIS Evaluation By M.u,well Bryer '0-1
After two ye.us of lop form. "\Ve really size or the student body in prcparotion for a difficult poured oursdvt.·s into this the evt•nt o( a real blaLc. State process,'· said Mr. Goelz, Also incluctC'd was the York. New Association of Independent Coordinator. "'A lot of seemingly transparent Schools cvJlu<ltion, RamJZ effort and pl,mning went effort on behalf of the has not been rcaccredited. into fine tuning the school admini.strntion to impress NYSAIS, the agency that for the visit." NYSAIS with its "Brazilian" gives New York independ Unfortunately for the 0ovored lunch menu. ent schools their accredita R.1maz community, accrcd Furthermore, NYSAIS oHition, S:{'nt a delegation of it.1t-ion was nol granted at cials cited conversations teachers and administra the v1sit's conclusion. tors from other high According to M!- Miller schools in the Tew Yori... "there \\CrC many factors ;irea to dc tcrmmc whether thal contributed lo Ramaz Ram•u w,1s ,...•orthy of being tu med down for being r1..•Jccrcditc.-d as a reaccrcditation. No one 1 YSAIS member <ehool. event can be blamed for Despite these The committee dccmed that." remarks NYSAIS officials Ramal. was not. Preparations for last voiced specific complaints month's visit were inte�. ,, hen it c,,me to the school. Among these concerns Comrruttc-es met to root out problems and implement were Ramaz·s mulHplc fire heJp(uJ new policies in drills whid1 would have order to present Rama:z. in sisnificantly reduced t.he
School Hires Student Designer
By Emily Bclfer '05 After weeks of search ing for an interior decora tor to give Rc1maz ,l fresh look� the administration has selected the school's very own Baruch Shemtov '05 for the job. In response lo the unusually small freshman class this year, the ,,dministration saw redecoration as a way of allrac;ting more students. .. W.: questioned
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whether the small number of applicants was due lo the school's notoriously stressful environment," said Rabbi Rubin, "but, after much consideration, the administration arrived at what we think is ., satis fying conclusion. While Ramaz offers its students plenty o( things lo think about, the inslit-ution is not what may be called aes thetically up to par." 11,is breakthrough may be the source of decreasing appli cJtion rates: Ramaz's interi or design is in dire need of some serious rcconfigura tion. In order lo boost the size or the applicant pool, Rabbi Rubin said that the administrators "finally just said ii•- Ramaz h:is to hire an interior dccorJtor." A
scJrch began for the proper person lo take on the task. After three weeks o( .!,Carching,, the administra tors were desperate and near giving up until a solu(ronturutd on paxr 6)
with various Ramaz stu- all, a member of Amalek. dents as contributors to '111c most interesting con their decision. AnothN versation that took place studenl recounted an on,>e• was when a sludenl dote in which a history recounted something about teacher informed his class .i faculty member, a still that it would be permissi- born fctus and a b.1t," s.1id blc to run over an old one NYSAIS official. "In English lady crossing a light of these horrific slostreet SC'eing as she is, after (co,,rumcd 011 page SJ
Courtesy of Slammf'r '05 Basking in the glory 0£ a well-pl.iyed game o( Balderdash in which he bested Princess ConsuelJ, Roni Jessleson '0-1 proceeds lo challenge the Cheshire Dt to a duel.
Dress Code Revised
By Maxwell Bryer '04 Ramaz's dress code has alw.1ys bet..'ll a point of con tention between the stu dent body and the faculty. Bui as of late, the adminis tration and the student body reached a point of reconc1li.-itlon ;md ch,1nged the dress code to include such nltcrations as shorts for boys and pants for girls. The new Ra maz drcss code-or lack thereof-will be qu ile lax. For boys, pants or any typc--barring backless chaps--during winier months and shorts or pants during the spring and fall will now be per Three-button missible. "polo" shirts, as well as Ice shirts, lank lops and full camou nage shirts will be not only permitted, but encouraged, I-lowever, the tried and true necktie will remain in effect as a staple of the uniform. "C'mon," exclaimed Mr. Miller. '"I-low
cou Id we m good con science gel rid of the tic? II really lies the whole thing together." Some changes were implemented on the female uniform as ,,,ell. Knee length skirts as well as pants will be permitted. Girls will also be allowed lo wear any kind of te<.�shirts and lank tops to school. AII varieties of (ootwear arc now considered appropri ate attirc--as long as socks are worn. \>Vhcn ques tioned about these lruly monumental conCl"Ssions, Rabbi Go)dminlz sighed, "What can I say, Eric Taub and his organization drove a hard bargain." administration The reached the agreement with a student special interest group, Students Against Dress Code ch,,ired by Eric Taub '07 (SAD). The dress code
reforms that arc the result of these ncgoliations are effective on March 25, a week before spring brc.1k. When asked about his organization's involvement in the r�1dical rcform:.tion of the dress code, Taub stal ed simply, "the negotiations were actually quite short and lo the point. Let's just say l made the administra tion an offer they couldn't refuse." Whatever the opinion on the new drcss code may be, one thing is for certain; ii will most definitely put f..1r. Goetz and Rabbi Goldminlz--long feared as the "dress code police"-oul o(. business, along with their lradcmnrk phrase, "excuse me. ple..isc get dressed." Come March 25, if a teacher tells you to put some clothes on or gel dressed, scoff not-he or she is probably serious.
rogc 2
March 2004/Purlm 5764
The lhmragc
Opinion Drug Glukkige roblems Verjaarda rfriggers IDress Code g, Jenny a d G Discussion F0dselsd Relating t0 a g ' Boys' J e n Neckw·ear For years Ramaz has strived to maintain a level of decorum within ib halls. It is this quest for decorum that has led the administration to enforce the dress code in all of its detail. Another goal of I.he administ-ral"ion has been the prevention of drug use among its students. TI,e admi.ni�lralion has turned to educational programming, scarc·taclia!,•and peer sessions in order to convey the-• dangers o( drugs to the student population. Despite these efforts, the school has not found complete success. Unfortunately, the school has yet 10 discover the danger ous correlation between drug usc and dress code. For years, medical researchers have known that mari juana is an efft;.-Clivc treatment for glaucoma sufferers. Unfortu nJtcly. a cause for the discJse was unknown until recently. A new medic,,! study has found that necktie induced neck constriction over the long term has caused gl;lUcoma in a large number 0£ patients. l11cse necktie wearers 3r(' turning to marijuana for help and relief. If the Ramaz administration wants to slop the drug use of its student population, the solution is simple. Abolish neckties. Students who wear lies each and every� day will have no choice but to t-um to marijuana and other drugs. Although the removal of neckties from the dress code may be bad for Baruch Shem Tov's business, it is al.I the administration c,,n do for the health and safety of its students.
�T'he StamPede
AS GOOD AS IT GETS Maxwell Bryer♦ fac Lcbwohl ♦ Jenny Mcrkin♦ Emily Meyer CAN'T HARDLY WAIT Sh1fra Mmccr Yael Steiner Rachel Trager Larissa Marco Rosalyn Spier FOOLS RUSH IN Mmam K.rulc • Gabe Oppenheim Ben Bernstein Lahav 1-larkov ONE FLEW OVER TIIE CUCKOO'S NEST Mr. Albert Goetz
Ramaz Upper School Quality Education
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A Tradition of Excellence ,__..._......_..._,.._.......,_..,.lll-nt-,1,0U
Chag Purim_$am�ach As printed in various newspapers.
1\lorch 2004/Purim 5764
Page J
The R2mP2ge
Yesterday's News
Language Teachers Discovered
lly lah,w Harkov ' 05 One of lhc grcalcsl covered ., secret closet mystcro<'S o( lh-, school has where l\ls. Bustos and Ms. been where ils language Spritzl•r were mass•pro• h�.ichers di"-appl'.lr to. A·rtcr ducing yearboo�s. Ms. Spritzer left w ilhoul "I was changing a light warning in 2001, and Ms. bulb in Dr. Warshall's Bustos followed in 2003, omcc, and when I stepped students beg.in lo suspect off lhc ladder, I fell a lilc on th.it something was wrong. lhc floor move," Cilo Their suspicion,;; wer e cor• explained. "Al fir>l, I reel Lasl night, Cito dis- thought 11 was loose ,1nd
Dougie's In
jusl needed to be «•paired, but after clo� examination, I realized it was a tr,1pdoor with a staircase underneath it." Colo then climbed down the stairs that were under lhc trapdoor, and found some printers churn ing out ye,nbooks while Ms. lluslos typed ,md Ms. Spritzer supervised. In 2 001, Dr. War,hall discovered th,1I R:im JL. could s.wc money by pronl ing their own ycarbools instead of using Josten<, lhc company lhal had b<'Cn printing Rama, yearbooks for years. Dr. Warsh.,11 gave Ms. Spnlzer a job printing yearbooks under ground after she was weak ened by her nasal surgery. Almost two years later, she hid Ms. Bustos as well. The two former foreign Ian•
lly Warren Peas In J move that sur• 'Tm doing away w1Lh that prised everyone .it Ramaz, salad bar stJrting tomor• Adminstrator Mr. Rochlin row," he vowed. "From announced today that now on, 11 will bl' grease, Dougie's Reslauranls grease, and more grc,1sc for would now be catermg all Ramo,. Flil has really Ramaz food needs In his paved the w;iy for us in Mr. lhal respect. My chef has ;:mnounccmcnt, Rochlin listed a number of som<.' \\'OndNfol new reasons for his decision to recipes for barbecued tofu, tcrmin,,tC' Flak' s contract. barbecued pasta and barbe Chief among them were cued salad. For the real the incrCil't..' in vending wimps, we arc going to machllll' priC('S and thC' make b.irbccued quiche." Diet-conscious R,,maz inordinately high prices student,, fac charged for ulty and staff a Iler -school "Ducks fly were snack3. "Flik dis jusl mayed al the hosn'l new dcvc-lop By Michael Gluckstadl '04: been doing il . . Russell Simmons, CEO for us lately," 111 m c n t s A l t h o u g h of Del J•m Records, rccenl many had nol ly reignited a raging balllc ��d a�':/�•: lrit:'d the new between Ram.iz.'s crc.ilivc announced,11ry rcst.1u writ mg club rind his record was mcnt rant on West company with his uninvit made public. 72nd Slrecl, ed appearance al thiS> Yl'Jr's "D o u g i e nln/1 nlnl1 nln/1 rumors lhal • poetry slam hosted b)• opened T u e s d a y P;1rallax, also lnown as d {11ry rc�lau 111n11 w o u I d Paraliz,zfo or P•Lax in rant, and the qu,1io1y of llw food was become· dairy" d.1y and all urban areas. ll1e !cud appeared lo c-,ccllC"nl. So ,,·c knew he other da)S would tum into . ha,'c died do""' until lhe would Iii right in al Rama,, . mc,11.. d..1ys were running release of an oHcnsive nycr and now was the best time ramp.ml through lhc lhal reportedly ,nfurialcd lo m,1kc a switch." \Vhen school community. Jenny lhc otherwise laid-bacl �Ir. asked if lhe GO's rccenl Merkin '04 was particularly Simmons. "'..Vhcn I 1,,cc my meddling wilh school incensed .,nd vowed lo focc on a nycr wilhout my menu s had anylhing lo do ,lnrl an immcdiale Idler,111 consent," .ingry with the swatch, Mr. writing c,,mpaign ,1nd to S1mmonc: said In a Rochl111 refused lo com- write cdtlonal� lo protest prepar ed statement, Mr. lhc change. menl. "I know somebody's GO Prcsoclcnl Jonathan Goel,, focully adviser calling me out." Goldman was delighted ol lhe newspaper, w,1s The flyer in with the outcome and conccmcd about how que s t i o n eagerly awaits the new increasingly difli depicted a pie memo<. Tm a bogDougie's cuH supervising of fon," he cnlht"cd, "and I l un c h r o o m c,1n't w,11t. 1 here will be duly would days when we will have b e c o m e . Dougie', dairy for lunch and lhcn I will order in wolh a Dou1;1c'; m,•al for our GO t a g I In c meclln)\S The school "ill lhal rc,1d: he ncvL·r know lhc• d1Hc·rcncc " whal Poetry Dougie h1mscH was always w,mlcd: Slam: Its reachrd ,11 111.:. country arm lunch d u ty I low lhc , wilh eslalc on rlu,hinf: and monolors p er Easl asked whal m, 0 1111 pl,,n, he mops, nnd mg� lo Oen Ook,er '0-1 inluiled U p S de Docs had for l(arn,11 lunch"' I le w,,sh the lahles and 11,., Eve •nd Emily i rloc end of enjoy lhc rig scuon, Fr c c s l y I e admollcd lhal he had his floors al while Jenny •nd M,-le R p soghl• set on <·llm1nalln11 each pnlod. plan to vot, Democral. IJ,11tlM.. �aung J1',()rd<-r� ,,1 R.101,,.,,
together when you live n vnn down by the rive,�" explained the repair mnn mm,...
guagc teach ers have been living off food, FLIK leave and their under• ground quar ters twice a
week to cxcr cis(" 111 the school gym. W h e n Cito discov ered lhcm, Ms. Spnl1cr seemed lo have dcvcloped a lwitd, ,md Ms.
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Cou,te:,y of A/mo Gator '04 Bu5los w.is CO President JonJth.1n Goldman '04 WJS so _ n g m dis.1ppointed that the ski trip w,1s cut short �u bI,
incoherently th.it he rem.Jin ed in his skiwe.u for weeks,
to herself in refusing to ch.ange into hjs tr.adition.tl tunic.
SP anish· course I would be ins.inc 1hey had obviously gone 100 ii J was surrounded b; stir crazy," Cito said. ·or ye;rbooks all day long:
Paralizzle and $immons Face Off Simmons's statement continued: "Whal really upset me, though, was lhe complete lack o( rcsp<-ct for lhc Engli,h language, leaving oul lhe apostrophe in 'ils.' 01 all people, lhcy should know lh,,l ·,r, 1> a contract1on or 'it is' anJ not possessive as in bclongmg to it. It's downright dbturbing: Some comments made during the slam may have caused irrcp.irablc damage, ruining all hopes for a lrucc. One particularly gruesome momcnl involved J memb er of Simmons's posse going loe lo loe wilh Parall,,,s laculty adviser Dr. Honig.
between Parallax and Dd Jam. n,c bad blood slcms from a nightclub onc,denl in 1999. ll conlonued with a track from a Del Jam arl1>l lhal featured the line "Parallax slop halin' you �now Def Jam os lon g/ you wnle som� do pe rhymes but c�1n· 1 even sing/ you don't ha, c no idea of what il os lo be blong-bling/ lhe cluSt.-sl you' ll ever get �uc those plaid pants on Josh Rong: Aller lhe latest verbal b,1lllc between the lwo, a clearly defeated Def Jam crew tncd to sabotage the r<'>l of the poetry sl.1m by placong double agent Alex Eid man '04 111 fronl of the
said he gol up on fronl o( lhc room and concluded his poem wilh the job "Parallax i•m't cv(•n a wor• lhy foc/lhey should call il P.:ir.illaxitivcs, lake two and lel lhc 8.5. flow.'' Dr. Honig, wilhout missing a bcal, slood up and quipped "You know you back: should jusl sil down and shul your yappcr/ I'd be harJ-prcsscd lo name C\'Cn one Del Jorn rapper/ Def l 'ocls arc no sleak ond ,111 slule/ Everyone lnows lhal P-Lax is off lhc hi11lc." TI,is was only lhe l,olesl attack In nn nngolnt,; fo i.1d• ·
minute stream o( con sciou ness poem that cov cred everything from chocolate cake to bunny rabbits. 11,s efforts f.1ilcd, though, as the poetry !Jlam was a wcll-allcnded and successful c\'cnl. Unlorlunalely, like loo many other 5,lonc.-s in the worlds of rap music and high school loler,,ry publicalIons. the (cuJ rage� on. llrn Parker '0-1 noted, "In music you m,lly h,,wn'l made ll ii you aren't f,•11d Ing wllh someone-lo le Eminem nnd his mom"
\VilnC'SSt.--s at thc scc.-nc
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to
deliver a
55-
March 2004/Purlm 5764
The ll1u11l'age
Upon hearing the bells, l'J quietly and promptly w.tlks to the door, exits lhe room, ,rnd hl•ads towards the appropriate stJirc.1se.
PJ sits at his desk, paying attention . .mdt.1king not(•s, unsus pecting of wh.11 lies ahc.td. SUDDCNLY. alarms sound.
PJ I<urz� Proper TI
PJ w.1its p.1tiently, isolating himself from his friends so .1s to ensure that he rem.iins perfectly quiet.
...
All t/,e Way Up: After a physically tiring fire drill, PJ cools off with a long. cool drink of As the fire may be hot to the touch, PJ should NOT flippant• ly lean against a burning build ing.
water.
Directly Abovr: PJ smiles after a job well done.
�larch 200�(Purim 576�
The- RamPage
Instead, PJ proceeds down the :,lairc.1,se in ,1n orderly (.1shion.
l'J exits the building. maint.1ining quiet so th.JI he may listen for further instruction rcg.irding the r.1ging fire thJI may lie behind him. Overwhelmed by boyish ("\'otcmcnt. Pf slides down the b.a.rustc.r-.. nujor no-no durmo, • firi." dnll.
e
veil Demonstrates
>rill Etiquette ._/It N!,J,, r,/ J Ill (' /2' f" •
• •
Should PJ t'ncounlcr smoke along lhc w,1y, he should immedi.1lely proccl..'d to STOP, OROI� and l!OLL
R 0 L
March 2004/Purim 576�
The R:unPagc
Jucovy Endorses Old Political Foe Uy 0,1niel r-.larans '05 Spurling ., cowboy h.it and boots, Dr Jon Jucovy, c!M1r 0r lhc R.,m.11.. h1'ilvry department, took the school by surpri,c 1.1-..t \\'(',·� when hl' ilrmounc('d thal he would be !)uppo1t1ng Prc-..1dl•nt George \'V. Bush':, bid for n.•l'lrction "this coming foll. "Allah ,s One, and Georg,· Bush o, Ho, Prophet,' Dr. Jucovy pro d.11med, with an affoctc-d T\!X�lS dr.1wl "It 1, the \,•1II of Ali.lh that George Bush lead our country. I mu::;;t, .ind do support h,s n.-cll-c� l1un" Jucovy was quid. to u,c tht." \\ord rf'\•l('('tJon. imply• ing that he no" thought Bu�h was f;iirly clcch."tt in 2000, marking a drastic �hift from hi'> prev1ou!) ,·ww that Bush stoll:' thl:' elect1on .. E-.;pl�11ning hi-.. pro� nounct.·ment, Jucovy �,lid
his epiphany was the result to st.1ge .i different sort of apparent plJns for a soli of a Jn.•,1m in which Allah demonstration in the· darity rally in ant1cipat1on :,pol...P to h,m Lhrough a months tu come. "\Ve must of the l(epublican ation,11 Allah declare j1h,1d on Ill<' mf,dcls Convention in the summer. burning Bush. apparently only goes by who reject Bush," he "Bush-haters are tcrrorisls that n.1me in public declared, rderring to and must beware the wrnlh However, to hi:, most of Allah" ardent ,;;upporter, Dr. Jucovy also defended Jucovy, he rt:>VeJlcd that lw, Bu,;,h's domestic polio<''>. •·1 re.1I n.1me is an incompre used lo dts,,grec with his hensibly powerful tetra l,n cuts for the rich, s�1ying gramm,1tun n.1med D-1-C he only "t:rved lh(' intcr�ts K or ,imply Dick. 'Dick," of the ehtc/ he explained Dr Jucovy ,.11d, "1s lhL• True, "But I've rc.1hzcd I am a ForcL' brhmd Bu�h's poli rnt.."mber of llw rlitl!. \-Vhars ci(.'s." to complain about?" As il n:,ult of hb rcve Students, many of lahon, Jucovy no longt.·r "\.. whom had known Dr. oppo!)t.---S lhc w.1r in lra4, IJ Jucovy .1s vehement a po..,,1t1on lw was \\'ell ly anti-Bush ,111d kno\, n for ,1t R,,m.11. ant,slightly In D<"n'mber, )U<ovy �lushm, had argued the :mlH\ilr mixed reactions platform m ,l fa ul afterwMd ty debat,• and led "I lenccforth, .m .,nti-w,:tr te.1ch. , we wall call Dr. Coi� rlc--y er/ Alan Gator in on the eve or I.he . ?'1 Jucovv 'the h 1 stoConung out of .i particul.1rly challt.>nging . . \, \Jr, 1 .ist ,I\ 1 arc 11. J.1panese I h!,lory . for� test. Shawn Levine '04 noticed ry teJcher merly known as )ucovy �alt1 1 ,e PIans the new artwork on the walls.
commented J,bcral '" Michael Friedman '05, one of Dr. Jucovy's I Ith grade studt.'nts and J devout Republican. "And frankly," Friedman added, "11', ,,bout time." "I wonder if he sup port� :,eltlern<'nl d1smJn tling no11 th,,t he has pro fessed his ded1cat1on to Islam," queried Ruthie Arbit '0-1 Dr. Jucovy's lurn�1round j'bout the Prc!:iidcnt raic.t.•d questions about some of l11s oth,•r highly touted all,;;1ances. When cager students asked him whether Allah had ,15Jsed him to be a Y�1nkee fan :,s well, he merely chuckled. "11,e day I become a Yanlsee fan is the Jay George Bu h loses the Presidency." Opt1m1stically, libc•ral Y�rnl...ee r�in� think there is still hope.
Coveted A-Rod Crosses Over to New York Mets
Baruch Shemtov Redecorates
By Yael Steiner '0-1 In tht.· most r1,_�ent 0r a s+ring or s.1vvy bu:,ine�� deals, the New York �lets h<1, e signed New York Yanl...ec lhird bJscman Alex RodngueJ.. to a five yeJr contract Rodnguez will join the Met-.. ro-..tcr at a salJry of I 2 m11l1on Joll.n, p�r } r,,r, \\ 1th the rem.1tn drr of\\ hat hi.! , ...ould h.ive m.,de a-. a YankC<' d1rtXtly depo,it,.,d ,nto the �lers· operat111g budget by Yank(•c O\\ ncr G('orgc Steinbrenner h1�(•!f Steinbrenner, in his I) p1c;1I J0\-1,1I mJnncr, \\'.JS .ill sm1ll'' a-.. the transacl1on was announced JI 3 P�I yesterdJy. It ,s my s,ncere belief th,1t all teams ,hould have the opportunity to comprll" on the h1ghc!)t level,'' St�mbrcnncr s.iid while c,plam111g h1-.. d.x1s1on to pay thL· Mets over 13 mdl,on dollars annually lo t,,ke A-Rud off Im hands Onan C,,.,hm;rn, tht." Yankee-.· genaaf m�1n.1g(•r, rclc,i...cd a <.IJlcIT)cnl on bch,1lf of 111s c:ntire organ1• 7Jl1on �aymg, "\Vhilc A-
(ro,itmueJ/n1m 1iagt J) lion to thC'ir quandary wa::. proposed. dl"Coro111on from within th<� student body. Baruch Shcmtov. �tu dcnt, t1e,.des1gncr and cou h.J re ma, en, w,,., the obvi ous choice for the JOb lmmcdiatt:.•ly following this t::p1phany, the adm1m�tra tors Wl:'rc seen running full �peed towards Shcmtov's locker Luckily, they caught the eleventh grad,•r iusl 111 lime and drafted their pro• po,;;al lo him, whtlc ::.lealmg
MA
Rod ccrt,inly added a high level of skill lo our roster, we 9u1ckly came to the rcali.tat1on that an over abundance of talent on our te�,m \\Ould not be bcnd1n.1l to the sport In the grand trnd1t1on of Y.1nkct.: and Ill<' ba,eb,111 Steinbrl:'nncr family, we could not, m good con sc,cncc. ,11 back and watch other tc,1m:, strugglc.-.M A source close to both Stcinbr.:nner ;ind the M('ts' front office says that 'The Boss" h,,d seen the Mets e, ade victory long enough. A-Rod ,hould be a wel come Jdd1t1on to the Mets inr1cld OthL·r �,rcas of their team may soon see muc.h nccded 1mprovcmenl as well. Spccul.it1on is ram pant about Theo Erstcin following considering Cashman·s lc.1d and don,11ing PL·<lro Martinez to tht." Mets' cause \Vhcn quc.-s1,oncd about the poss1b1hty of such il trnnsact1on. Epstcrn·s front oHJCe com· mented, ·11,c Red Sox organ11at1on will not ::.l(1nJ by ,ind let the Y,rnkecs stc,,I the l,mclight yet again. It ,s not enough that they arc the Jc,1gue's most hand some te.1m, they arc now the mo'it generous i.1� well. We at the Hi'd Sox will con lmuc our futile quest to
proper decor for Ramaz. Leah Liberman '06 think,; "Baruch 1s the perfect choice. his style 1s ongmal and 1t \\ ill suit the �hool \\ ell .. Others thmlr... th,)t Shemtov should go beyond decorating the school Todd Snider ·os observed that "a pretty building will n,•ed prctty prople to pop ulate ,t Baruth ,hould be allo,\ed to dn_...,s studenl.;; and <11101 �u,pt.'ns1ons to tho,c \\ho foil to live up to ht, e,pe,ct.:ilion<. Dt.--spifc- obv1ou� exutc-- mcnt on tht.." p<irt of the :,lu dcnl.s, foculty, .1dmin1-:,lr.t· 110n, and pMcnts' counc1l� Shemtov hJs ) ct to release an official statement. The only thing known for sure is that many swatches of f,1bnc, traditionally used for shower curtain� and prom dresses. have been found m the sixth floor office. The prospective designl:'r, sou�ht out for his commenb on the reclccora tion, was not to be found So consumed by Dumbo, �1.lrc Seig.,I '05 did not .seem to mind the violent curses spewing from the mouth on his head. due to lus bu,,y su,edulc. Until future updates, all anyone can do is hope for a bad enough somronc will jealous loolss at his gor new R,,maz, adorned with t.ike pity on us.' Wr nc\'('r Shcmtov·s late:--1 cre.1tion<.. truly thought this d,,y geous tic. The student body has would come. Yet here it 1s, erupt('d with excitement and 1t is wonderful." over the prospect of Shemtov decking the halls with what he deems is the outdo the Yankees by nd ding ourselves of m.uquC'C pl.1ycrs as well." Tiw Mets· general m:m• agcmc-nt took time out of their dclmum to speak to the national media this afternoon." For years l\11."IS fan,;; have known that Tug McGraw coined the phrase 'You gotta believe ' What mo�t pL'Ople don't know is that here in tlw front office we've been sc1ying, 'You gott.1 b(')1evc U1at 1f we gel
M
�larch 2004/Purim 5764
Junior� Revisit Wax Study
The lhmP•g•
School Opens Water Facility
PaJ:e 7
By Miriam Krawitz '06
By Cabe Oppenheim 'OS The junior class took a ment, trip to the Long Island McGarr, Candleworks Company in publicity Ronkonkoma, New York on February 4 as part of \ their series or educational outings focu;ed on the Cou,t,sy of Slammer '05 many useful applications Sl;immer 'OS, in .in cHort to t.istc the r.tinbow, broke into or wax. the candy machine and counted M&M's. One hundred and of the trip, further elaborat twenty-five of the juniors Ronkonkoma's oldest light ed on the didactic value of enjoyed the program ing manuracturer, the wax program. "Jewish tremendously and were explain.._-d that wax is an adolescents must be edu enthralled by the sheer interminably interesting c,,ted in the way of the malleability of the exh1b1t subject. "You just can never wax," he stressed, ·1,efore ed soybean-b.1S<-d c,mdk,. get tired of discussing wax they get to college campus "It was just a supcr•dupcr from the car variety to can L'S and arc bombarded with fun time;· enthused Todd dles, which Itself is interest- a litany of anti-wax protest Snider ·as. ing gh en all lhc amazing ers with a clear bias for Some students weren't wkk variations currently electricity-based lighting as thrilled by the prospect on the market--bccausc it's devices and may therefore of touring ret another large one of those things in life be tempted to start Shabbat room foiled with ·melted that really changes with the with Shabbas flashlights crayons:· ·-whoever ,s plan times, you know?" instead of Shabbat can ning these ridiculous From their rave reviews dles." excursions simply needs a of the 1unior w.i � education For many pupils in reality check. Nobody program, the faculty clear• other grades, the junior enjoys leaving the confines ly "does know." Indeed, Dr. trips are a source of major of the Newman Center on Gaylord thought the can envy. "'You know, I really 78th Street-who would dles were .. s,mply mar• wish my gradc"s presidents w.lnt to spend time with ,•elous· and spent a good had the drive to schedule a their classmah.•s, t-;1king portion of the candle facto decent event," lamented advant.1ge of the city"s ry tnp, .,s well as the excur Danielle Aronow ·07, "but, pum<-rous fun and edifying sion to Madame Tussaud's, alas, my class·s leaders are Qfferings outside of school? teaching eJgcr students disorganized and unfunny Fun JU�t has no place an a th,1t m.,nncqums and can iust like that book we get at lcarnmg cnvironmcnt.N dles have the "power of the the c.nd of every year with complained Ben Levon, gaze." grandiloquent captions and �1r. Miller, the mam bombastic sidebars." Junior Class Pre,,dent. Not buying their argu- admimstrahvc proponent
'
.. A mikvah?r" shrieked • Ms. Weinstein. '1l1at is a great idea; 1 can stay in school instead of making a trip all the way to the West Side." .. A pool?!"" shouted Haim Medinc ·os. 'Tll be spending all my frees there... When Mr. Rochlin announced that Ramaz was building a swimming pool in the gym that would be used as a mikvah at night, many votcl-d opinions on the issue. Some people, like Ms. \Veinstcin, were ecstatic about the plan, believing that it will benefit both teachers and students. 'Td rather go swimming dur ing my gym period than play football or basketball," Adam Cohen ·(11 enthused. 'The students can swim during the day and the teachers can use lhc mik vah at night;· said Ms. Klein. ·Th,s might be one time that both students and teachers agree on some thing." However, not c, cryone was so (?ptimishc about the corutruction of the swim ming pool/m,kvah combi nation in the Ramaz gym. --1 don·t like the idea of my st·udents coming to class dropping wet and smelling or chlonne... said an upset Ms. Barak. M,. Barak, fac ulty adviser for the Fashion Coalition. also remarked, "\Vet hair and salty scents
are not in vogue." The dual-use pool raised a serious concern among the rabbis for differ ent reasons .. A mikvah should not be foiled with chlorine but should "be pure, explained Rabbi Grauer with raised eye .. According to brows. halakha, a m,kvah may not h..1vc a dual function, .. s.11d a concerned Peter Kahn ·06. As far as safety ts con cerned, Ms Cohen and Mr. Dulny arc currently train• ing to be lifeguards at the 92nd Street Y. 'Training to be a lifeguard brings back all of my summer camp memories," Mr. Dulny said as he dreamily tightened his grasp on the t0-foot bamboo pole in his right hand. Mr. Rochlin believes that the swimming pool will be ready by March 2005. Appeasing the halah kic-minded opponents, Mr. Rochlin explained that ·\ve will be building a mech1tzah an the center of the pool, dividing the &iris from the boys." In an effort to boost Rom support, Dr. Ze,tch,k suggested that "\Ve can ..ill wc�H matdung blue and gold R,,ma, bathing suits with.:, ram on the side! The mcrcasc m school spirit will be a posillvc develop ment for everyone!..
victory for democracy," he added. In a subsequent press release, Rabbi Rubin ensured that ·our school teaches menschlickhkeit and m1tzvot, Jnd would never think of engaging in illegal activities· Some students s.,id that
they felt the entire story was ml'.tnl to bring more allenhon to Ramaz. '111c open house was not l"nough to bring an adc,-. quate number of applicants to the school. so they resorted to this," sa,d Jonathan achmani '0-1.
Officials Trail WMD's to Ramaz
By Shifra Mincer '04 In a highly Sc'Cretove meeting \Vith President Bush, Mr. Moller disclosed thal Ramaz had been h.u boring lraq·s weapons of mass destruction in its slairwcll between the fourth and fifth floors. Unsuspecting students thought the garbage bags were closing off the stair well for experimental con strucl1on purposes, but mcam, hole, Bush's closest a1dcs were scrambling to piece together bots of intel ligence. --we knew that lraq·s WMD·s existed and were trying to figure out when! they had been stowed," s.iid a senior ;idviSt•r. "1\'e then received a tip from an anonymous source !hat a Jewish organi1atoon had flown the weapons to Amcnc,, Bush aide, conN
tacted the Ramaz School and Congregation Kehilath Jcshurun and began an invc.-:,t1gation. When the weapons of mass destruction were dis covered in the stairwell by secret undercover weapons inspectors, Bush declared war on the Ramaz Upper School l lowever, after ,1 rush of negotiations, Mr. Moller was able to plead for the hundreds of innocent d,ildren whose loves would be put on danger should the President pursue military aclion J" plnnncd. Mr. Clms Williams ;mnouncl-d th,11 Bush was after the Upper E.1st Side community's money. which he would seize shortly after the demolition of the scl,ool building. ·'No Blood for Jewish Money!.. Mr. Willlams yelle<I as a group
of left-wing chemistry stu dents marched Jround with him. Immediately a right-wing counter protest. led by Dr. Berkowitz . shouted back, .. You sec, there were wcJpons or mass destruction in Iraq after all!" Mr. Williams, along with Dr. Jucovy, resign<-d from their posi tions until the stairwell was inspected b)• a team led by David Kay. Kay announn>d ., w�k later that, in fact, no WMD·s were found any· where in the Rrunaz build Bush defiantly ing . .innounccd I.hat whether or not wei"lpons were found in Ramaz, the invasion of the school was an important move for America and for "the preservation of the Integrity and pnde of the American people. 11,is Is a
llave a c,urot.
10
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� 1 arch 2004/Pu rim 5764
The RamPagc
Club Fights for the Fence By Miriam Krawitz '06 The Ramaz fencing team got off to., rocky start last week as il was pum meled, 12-0, in their first match agJinst Columbia Prej,. "What do you e-xpcct," complnincd Josh l\lyers '06 "\\'e thoughl \\(' were joining a club to build the �L-curity fence in J,r.id." It turns out thJl the Zioni I-minded leJm had originally s,gm'd up for Rnm.12 "Fencing" ,,·ilh the 111lcnt1on of helping the l.:.rachs erect the �ecunty fence in the \Vt..�l B;rnk. 1-Iowcvcr, the d1sm.iycd group quickly found them sC'lves at the wrong end of the st1L"�, J'- they were herded onto J bus bv �tr. Dulny and ,,ere :::.oo� fac ing the cr.1d. h.'.im from Columbi.1 Prep, rared third in lhc �talc. Thi.." team wJ� not optimbtk.
'Th'-' only thing I know about fencing I learnl·d from 'hk· 1sk of Zorro'," said Daniel Linder '04. "And I spent rnost of that movie looking ;1t Catherine Zcta Jones." "Fencing? The only thing l've st.:ibbccl in my life was a piece of kreplach falling off my plale at my grandmother's," said Ben Zweig '06. "Jew.:, just start ed playing golf ten yeMs ago and now we have to leam fencing?" �1r. Dulny, the co.tch, put up a stoic front as he confrontc-d the c.itastrophic performance of the team. "J know they C',pecleJ to be tal-.1.:•n to lhc ,11rporl for a flight on El Al, but the mark. of a true champion 1s the ,1bil11y to adapt to all c1rcurn-,t.111Ce, .1nd go with the flow. \Ve 1ust J,dn't
Courtisy of Slfm1mer '05 The five ye.1r winner of the Yeshiva LeJgue Ventriloquism Championships was no match for thill smile, and Alex l\.·feirowit·z'05 brought home the gold from Vermont this ye.ir. Meiro was especially plc.1.scd to be.it Ralph Dweck, the reigning champion, bcc.1use he '"'ould nol share loothp,1sle, which happened to be Cr('sl Whitening as w.1s confirmed later by James TJylor.
come through tonight," he said. Judy Cummins, the head of the Fcnc,ng Club, was surpn5c-d that the slu· dents who signed up for the club originally w�mtcd to help bracl. "I can't believe that the students didn't realize what club
Luncheon Harah By Sarah Sabshon '05 and Ilana Ellenberg '05 It's J Y-Day and a other words, lhey talk bunch of 1umor g1rb can be about hot new gossip flow seen gathered around a ing .iround the school. "If lunch t.ible, t,1lking excited- you h,1vc nothing good to ly. As Rabb, B1enenfeld say about someone," Rabbi saunters over to the table, 81cnenfcld said, "I want tu the girls become c1uid I le be the first to hear about it." �!any of the topics of slams his 1�1nd down on the Iable and say,, '\%at d15cu,;sion include C.O. sca11J,1ls, up-to-lhe-rninute h,1vc we got tocLJy?'' rn11s IS the bl'ginnmg of dating reports (who's who a typ,cal meetmg of one the m the dating world, and most popular ne\, ' clubs whether or not they arc fit Rama✓ has lo offer. the for eJch other), tcad1er gm,· Lundieon 1 1,irah Club. --1 s,p (the "real" look 111,ide 1ust felt U1e need for a club the teacher's lounge), and where we could t.>ngage in much more. Conlrary to popular some good, old-fosh,oned lashon harah. It was some belief, tl}C club has an open thing Uiat school was really door policy Nevertheless, lacki ng,· said Rabbi ead1 member must have a Biencnfcld, the club's f,,cul- juicy piece of gossip on ty adviser. During meet hJnd. "VVc accept every ings, members discuss lhe body," ina Rabinowitz ·05 daily "dish" of Ramaz; in said, "but if you w.1nt the
inside scoop. we only accept the true elite- rejects, that is." Membership to Luncheon Harah seems limited to girls. --11·s all girls," Todd Snider 05 com p lamed, "a11d they're so uninviting." Alli.son Liebman '05, a member or the club, answered, "Oh, \\'l' don't decide i£ it's a girl ih,ng or a boy thing-if you come RJbbi over, Bicnenfeld will render some �ort of response. Depending on whether or not the response is good or bJd, we decide if you've merited a return slop-by." Given the controversiJI nature of lhc ch1b, some faculty members expressed concern over the sinful dt5cussion topics. Rabbis were consulted for .l final psJk on th(• fate of the club. "As long as Rabbi Lookstcin says it's perm1ss1ble, then it is okay by me," says Rabbi Segal. Rabbi Grauer gave no comment. Rabbi Wt.'intraub was unavailable to present his halachic view on the matter. The club is still going strong in its fourth monlh. A mo11U1ly newsletter will be published in the near l.tlUrJtsy o nmmcr '05 future, so look for it on l'olk singers were delighted lo le,1m lhat the elevators were your lunch tables. up and running, e(ficienlly transporting students from, as they say, "one b.injo to the next"
they were joining when they signed up. When I £irst introduced lhc differ ent types of armor, the stu dents were extremely con fused. Now I undcr�land why." After reJlizing the club's real purpo'.:le, the team quickly sc,1mpNed acro5s the city to purcha,e the gear required to sur vive, 1f not compete, in the next match. It looks like they're catd1ing on quickly. "J learned lhe difference between a saber and an epec," said Nadia Tale\ '06 proudly. --1 wonder if they'll notice that my sword is a £ew inches
longer th;m regulation." Alexandra Lev1te '06 prncticcd the thrust and parry moves rcc1uircd lo attack and defend. "If you lhink about 11, this 1s very s1m1lar to a machlokct between Be1t H11lcl and Seit Shamai. They go bac� and forth. rc.:,pond and react lo one anolhcr, and give little 1abs back and forth. It's really the physiCJI l."qUIVJ lcnt of Cemara." "Our intentions we.re definitely Nathan said good," Schoenkin '06. "And I still thrnk "e should get chcsed hours for being on this team.
Reaccreditation Not Granted
(co11t11111tdfrom pa>:t 1 J nes and the lack of conduct and mor..1le befitting a Yeshiva ciay school, we decided to postpone Ram.:iz·s rcaccrcditation indefinitely," said Eileen Mullady, U,c choir of the NYSAJS visiting commit tee. The administrJtion was quite shocked, to say the least. when it was Informed that the school had failed. "I' m shocked, hurt and a lit tle confused," said Mr. Miller describing his feel ings conceming the deci sion. "However," he addt.•d. "I can see where they might hJve found the Braz1l1an lunch shallow Not to men tion the 20 minutes it look us to clear ihe building during the fire drill." Mr. Goelz echoed these senti ments stilling "I was quite appalled by Ramaz's con duct during the fire drill. Back in the olden limes stu dents who talked durmg
fire drills were forced to swallow smoke." Regardle,s of the fac tors that contributed lo RamJi;'s inability to attain a certificate of reaccredit-a tion, one thing can be cer tain: if the Jdmimstration does nut work quickly to mend its fences Ramaz could loose its ability to offer many classes such as American .:ind European history, algebra, geometry, calculus, biology, chem istry, physics, English, French, Sp..1nish, art, music and phys ed. "lt looks as if we will have to revise our core curnC'ulum lo include some 'filler' courses," said Mr. Miller. "For the near future, !here will be home economics, under-water basket ,vcavlng in lhc eighih floor pool, auto mt.--chJnics and a whole lot of Judaic Sludics courses for Ramaz studenl.;,"