Volume 47, Issue 6 (March/Purim 2014) - The Rampage

Volume XXXXVIII Number 6

The Ramaz Upper School

March 2014/Adar B 5774

“All the News That’s Fit to Print - According to Rabbi Lookstein, Mr. Shaviv, Mr. Miller, Rabbi Stochel, and Pamela Gellar - Minus the Missing Quotations from Faculty Who Are Too Afraid to Be Quoted.”

Catching Up with Rabbi Goldmintz on his Sabbatical

By Andrew Lobel ’15

Last week I caught up with Rabbi Goldmintz who is spending his Sabbatical year at his country home in beautiful Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, Canada. Below are excerpts from our conversation (his responses are translated from Canadian): RamPage: Rabbi, how have you been spending your time?

Rabbi Goldmintz: Well, I am busy completing my lifelong work- 50 Shades of Parenting.

RamPage: What do you like most about living in Moosejaw?

Rabbi Goldmintz: Definitely the weather! It’s always a balmy -5

degrees farenheit. Pretty warm, eh?

RamPage: Are you excited about Canada winning the gold medal in hockey at the Olympics?

Rabbi Goldmintz: I guess it was pretty neat. But it was nothing compared to the 1986 Ramaz championship game against Frisch!

RamPage: Do you plan on taking any fun trips this year?

Rabbi Goldmintz: Yes! In fact, I am planning to go to one of my favorite places …Poland!

RamPage: When do you plan on going?

Rabbi Goldmintz: March 30th to April 9th.

RamPage: Really?! Those are the exact same dates the Ramaz Seniors will be in Poland!

Rabbi Goldmintz: What a crazy coincidence. It’s not like I miss going to Poland with the seniors or anything…

RamPage: Is anyone else going to be traveling with you?

Rabbi Goldmintz: Well, I called a meeting to discuss the trip. My wife didn’t show up.

When I asked her why not, she did not have a life threatening excuse. So, I have kicked her off the trip and will be traveling to Poland alone.

RamPage: Does Moosejaw have a dresscode?

Rabbi Goldmintz: It didn’t…. but I’ve helped show them the derech. Even my pet polar bear, Ira, had to fill out a disciplinary report when he came to the Poland meeting without a tie.

RamPage: How will you remember this special experience?

Rabbi Goldmintz: Well, I am requiring myself to keep a journal.

I can’t graduate from my Sabbatical unless I hand it in!

RamPage: Thank you very much for your time Rabbi!

De Blasio’s Election Victory Traumatizes Ramaz Students According to Dr. Gerald Zeitchik, School Psychologist at Ramaz Upper School, he has been seeing a new type of trauma among students ever since the election of Bill De Blasio as mayor. “We call it “Selective Trauma Upsetting Privileged, Imagination-Deprived, Irrationally Terrified Youth, or ‘STUPIDITY.” In the lead up to the election, there was a lot of talk about how Bill

De Blasio hated the rich, about how he was going to be punishing wealthy, white New Yorkers—well, you can’t be surprised if some young, impressionable minds are going to be horribly damaged.”

His colleague, Dr. Roer, continued “A lot of our students are reporting that they’ve been having nightmares, suffering from anxiety attacks; some even seem to be suffering from some form of collec-

tive psychosis. Two students—to preserve their anonymity, we’ll call them NotMax Koffler and NotBenjamin Rabinowitz—both insisted that Bill De Blasio “lives in their closets and comes out every night to steal money from their wallets.” Both psychologists say that while there’s no real cure for STUPIDITY, effective treatment does exist. “It requires a lot of conditioning, reassuring them

that we’ll have another election in four years. Of course, there are problems with that—after Obama was elected for the second time, we saw a lot of relapses—but we feel that with a lot of work, we can help these kids continue to live a normal life despite the unique stresses and problems only the well-off face.”

Big Changes in Ramaz Curriculum After complaints from parents, Ramaz announced recently that it would completely revamp its Jewish Studies program to more closely reflect community sensitivities regarding Israel. According to a press release, dropped from the curriculum will be Avraham, who

was the father of Ishmael, making him the grandfather of the Arab nation. Yitzchak will be removed for marrying a Syrian, and Yaakov, for being half Syrian. In addition, King David will be removed, after evidence developed that he had once served Achish, King

of the Philistines. One parent, who chose to remain unnamed, expressed relief at the change. “I spend a lot of money sending my kids to Ramaz, imagine how horrified I was to find that they were being taught to revere figures whose connections to the Arab

world are hardly in keeping with what I expect from a school to which I pay a lot of money.” In addition, there are reports that the math department is considering dropping Algebra after being informed that word is Arabic.

Notes from the NYSAIS Visitors

By Eliana Doft ’16

Elizabeth Ritz ’16 of the lost and found committee walked into the sixth floor office on Thursday morning, March 6, holding a mysterious laptop left in room 201 by the NYSAIS visiting committee.

(She also found a pair of orange pants labeled “Shiff”). With the help of the computer-programming club, Mr. Shaviv was able to hack the visiting committee’s recommendations. Here are some highlights: 1.Fix your vending machines.

When we pressed the button for Red Powerade, we were not asking for Diet Peach Nestea.

2. Please allow students to use the copy machine. Groups of students have apparently hired a scribe to make copies of important notes and documents.

3. Hire Rampo its own public relations agent.

4. Don’t call snow days unless more than three flakes of snow have fallen.

5. What is the 40-minute period at the beginning of every day where students sit in a room in front of a Torah scroll and talk to each other? Is it necessary?

6. Do something about that C staircase. A couple of us made the mistake of using that staircase and found ourselves in awkward situations.

7. Tell the teacher in charge of the lunch club that everyone joins to get out of a final to chill out.

8. Investigate the history teacher with the finger puppets of world dictators.

NEWSFLASH - HEADLINES Shaviv Hosts Khalidi for Friday Night Dinner, Entire Table Puts on Tefillin College Advisers Encourage Students to Wait for 2016 SAT’s Dr. Honig Deemed a Fire Hazard, Ramaz Fails Drill Sklarin Gets Title Confused, Thinks Interdisciplinary is Disciplinary Shaviv Named CEO of Kinkos BIC Tries to Outdo RamPo, Invites Madoff to Speak

Page 2

The RamPage News

Color War Averted by Last Minute Negotiations Two weeks ago, the Ramaz community was holding its breath as the 9th grade issued a full call up of its reserves and the 10th grade class presidents made an announcement calling for all sophomores to be willing to give up their lives for the 6th floor lounge. Today, an uneasy peace is still being maintained in the halls, as a result of intense diplomacy conducted by the History Department. “It was difficult, to be sure,

“ said Dr. Jon Jucovy, department head and President of the Great Neck Pretentious Film Appreciation Society. “But we applied lessons learned from Metternich, Bismarck, and some other guys that Jay Stone mentioned that I’d never heard of.” According to the terms of the agreement, 10th graders would maintain control of the 6th floor lounge, while 9th graders would be allowed to make use of the 6th floor vending

machine in groups of 4 or less.

In related news, the 12th graders agreed to cede control of the 4th floor to the 11th grade by no later than May 15. While there are reports that some of these terms have been violated (at least one 9th grader was reportedly subjected to very hurtful comments on a recent trip to the 6th floor), at this point, the peace, tenuous as it may be, is still holding up.

Yeshiva Girls Gone Wild

By Skyler Levine ’15

The recent rejuvenation of Ramaz girls performing mitzvoth has spurred an interest in even more great acts. Wearing tefillin is just the beginning of girl greatness at our fine institution. All you need to do is walk down the hallways of our high school to see the changes right before your eyes.

On a recent Monday, a freshman girl was spotted wearing a kippa s’ruga. Not to be outdone, on Tuesday, a sophomore girl wore a suede kippa. On Wednesday, a junior girl wore a large velvet kippa. And then on Thursday, a senior boy was supposedly spotted wearing a kippa. Soon someone discovered that it was actually a senior girl with short hair wearing a kippa. In fact, on Friday, a poll was taken showing more girls wear kippot than guys. In response to this an unnamed administrator said, “We encourage our

students to think independently and encourage this. I am not sure what our official Ramaz position is. It depends on the case.” When pressed further the administrator said, “It depends what SAR is doing. If they are in favor of it than we are too and for the record we said it first. If they are against it then we are, and we said it first.”

Another trend is a growing number of girls wearing tzitzit.

“Wearing tzitzit brings me closer to our creator. It also keeps me warm in the winter and is a supercool fashion accessory,” said Shoshana Edelman ’14. The other interesting thing is the color of the strings. Some are going with pure white while others are going with the tchelet blue. Some even wear pink. “Pink is the new blue. It says we are young, hip and woman wearing male garments,” said Yaffa Kornsgold ’17.

The most interesting trend is girl students wearing pants underneath their skirts. “My mom wears the pants in my family. Why shouldn’t I in school?” asks one female student who wished to remain anonymous. Another said, “This is our way of following the rules and at the same time expressing our independence. I support this with all my heart.”

There has been a small backlash in response to these changes.

Some boys have started wearing skirts over their pants. “I imagine that our forefathers may have worn skirts so why shouldn’t we,” said Eddie Mattout ’15.

These changes have had a profound influence on the student body. This has inspired Ramaz actors to put on Kinky Boots in the spring to show that how we dress is less important than how we feel.

Top 5 Late Note Excuses

By Josh Sarachek ’17

1. I was on time but then I saw the sign on the road outside school that said “children slow” so I couldn’t rush.

2. It’s 8:03.

3. Well in my Dad’s car, his left turn signal was broken so we had to take all right turns.

4. You know the drill.. (writes out check to Ramaz).

5. I have health first and Ms. London hasn’t been here all year!

First 5 Girls to Don Tefillin

By Alex Leibowitz ’15

1. The Sephardic Girls 2. Rabbi Weiser’s wife

3. Esther Malka Issever 4. Ms. Gadish

5. Dr. Gaylord’s Girlfriend

What Teachers Do on Intersession

By Eddie Mattout ’15

After an exhausting two weeks of finals, students and faculty had an extended intersession weekend.

Most students spent the weekends at their houses, playing basketball and video games. The more adventurous even have sleep overs.

Teachers, however, live incredibly different lives than their students. While teachers should be taking the time to grade the finals that the students have completed, instead they took trips to Miami or Puerto Rico. “We needed some time to have some fun also. It’s a really stressful two weeks and I really needed that weekend to relax in the sun,” said Dr. Gaylord.

Teachers began planning for

this weekend from the beginning of October. “I have been juicing for months now,” said Dr. Milowitz.

The staff left to Newark airport on Thursday right after they administered their last finals. The more veteran teachers went to Puerto Rico, while the recently hired teachers took their talents to Miami. Once they checked into their hotels teachers went to buy all the stuff necessary to make the weekend truly memorable. Nurse Nechama took health precautions and made sure to have enough Advil and Visine for everyone.

Mr. Greene even brought his DJ equipment so that the teachers

could party on the beach.

“I’m not sure if this can stay on record but it sure was an epic weekend,” said Rabbi Stochel.

Teachers were so happy that even Mr. Shaviv was reported to have cracked a smile on the trip.

He was unable to answer any questions because he was suffering from severe headaches and stomachaches. Teachers returned relaxed and with fresh tans ready to start the new semester. Most of them even began to count down for the next intersession. “I wish I could tell you more but you know what they say ‘What happens on Intersession stays on Intersession,’” said Mr. Miller.

March 2014/Adar B 5774

Ramaz Plans Major Effort to Resist Competition from New Sephardic Schools With the Sephardic Academy of Manhattan planning to expand into a high school, Ramaz is undergoing a complete revamp of its own approach to Sephardim in order to make sure that it retains the cream of the Sephardic crop.

Among the proposed innovations: Rabbi Albo will now be referred to as “HaChacham Yosef ” and will conduct classes in a turban and djellabaya.

In addition to the regular cereal, breakfast options will include

ful, hummus, and Honey Bunches of Goats.

Sephardic Senior boys will be allowed to take more than one girl to prom.

Sephardic Girls will now be allowed to go to prom in the 9th grade.

Any joke made at the expense of Sephardim must be matched by a joke of equal value made at the expense of Ashkenazim.

Effective Fall 2014: List of Forbidden Visitors to Ramaz So as to avoid a repetition of the recent controversy the administration has formalized its list of those not allowed on the Ramaz campus in perpetuity: 1. Comedians 2. Hypnotists 3. Anyone who has mentioned the PLO 4. Anyone who has said the letters P,L. and O in the same sentence

5. Friends of Hillel Rapp 6. Copier Repairmen 7. Anyone who offends (or is likely to offend) at least one member of the parent body 8. Faculty without Badges 9. Anyone likely to make room 301 louder 10. Andre Agassi 11. Any teacher/administrator given a Sabbatical at the end of this year

Rampage Takes On Yearbook

By Eddie Mattout ’15

Rampage and Yearbook have been long time rivals since Ramaz’s inception. Controversial discussions have taken place over which publication is “better,” leading to provocative and even violent altercations.

Staff of both publications lead their teams in the faceoff. Sydney Sarachek ’14 teamed up with junior editor Andrew Lobel ’15 to take on Alex Agus ’15 and Emily Adler ’16. “If it comes to looks none of these students satisfy the ideal male and women bodies,” said Ms. “Coach” Feldman.

Leaders of both publications sent out emails to their staff demanding that they do everything in their power to destroy the yearbook staff. “Alex Ratzker ’14 said she would make me editor if I stole one of Yearbook’s cookies,” said Skyler Levine ’15. “I couldn’t do it though, they had way too many calories.” Some of the staff got particularly into the competition. “I got yearbook’s password

and moved one of their layouts.

HA! They’re that stupid to just give out their password,” said a scandalous Akiva Gold ‘15.

The real battle occurred between Dr. “Doctora” Warshall and Dr. “No Nickname” Millowitz Both being notorious for not giving A+s in their class they faced off for the final battle. Dr. Warshall took the battle extremely seriously and spent weeks preparing. However, Dr. Millowitz got stuck in his country home playing golf and forgot to show up.

By the end of it students all sided with Rampage knowing it to be the truly better club. Staff claimed it to be “the only club besides for chorus where stuff goes down,” said Andrew Lobel as he looked mysteriously at Sydney Sarachek. The faceoff in the end was unresolved and was postponed until next year. “Hopefully one day we’ll figure it out,” said Dr. Millowitz.

March 2014/Adar B 5774

Bracketology with the Rabbis

By Alex Leibowitz ’15

To start off March Madness I decided to sit down with Rabbi Weiser (RW) and Rabbi Stochel (RS) to discuss their picks for this years tournament.

Q: What do you look for first in a team?

A: RS: The first thing I look for is how well a team tucks in their shirts. For example, Syracuse is losing in the first round because they are a mess. They just come to the games undressed.

RW: All Catholic schools are out in the first round. I don’t care how well they play they are out.

It’s my first policy.

Q: And what else do you look for?

RS: Well I go to all the gyms to test quietness and punctuality.

Fans arriving late to games irk me.

Furthermore, a loud out of control arena is generally a simple recipe

The RamPage Sports

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Matthew Gross ’14, This Year’s Basketball MVP

By Eddie Mattout ’15

for an early exit.

RW: Well the next thing I do is look at the University’s stance on Israel. For example Columbia is out in the first round because of a certain professor they employ.

Q: Anything else?

RS: Yeah haircuts are a big thing. No Mohawks, faux hawks, fades, engravings and the likes.

Shorts need to be two to three inches below the knee and long sleeeves need to be worn under tank tops.

RW: Percentage of Goyiim. The less Goyiim the better, and I count reform Jews as Goyiim.

Q: So who are your picks?

RS: I will email you back on that, I still have to observe fifteen stadiums in the south to make a decision.

RW: Definitely not Columbia!

BREAKING NEWS: RABBI MOSKOWITZ RETIRES TO PURSUE A CAREER IN HACKEY SACK. After 53 years teaching at Ramaz, Rabbi Moskowitz finally found his inner calling. Thanks to the boys on the third floor who play hackey sack throughout the day, he is now working on forming the Hackey Sack Yeshiva League.

The clock was ticking, and the Rams were down by two. The SAR sting was about to take home the win, but with seconds left, all star Matthew Gross ‘15 nailed a three.

Ramaz fans run on the court, and the Rams have done it again thanks to Gross.

This season, Matthew Gross has been a key asset to the team.

While some say if he went to the gym more and put on some weight he would be more ripped like Daniel Berg or Eli Amzalleg, nobody can attest to the fact that there are games when Gross does not miss a shot. While he could use a few more cookies (no pun intended) in his system, all criticisim of Gross is forgotten when he is on the court swishing threes.

Gross has been on the varsity team since Sophomore year and is the captain of the Rams this year. No doubt about it, the Rams would be lost without him. “He’s just so good,” said teammate David Tahari ‘14. Mr. Dulny, coach of the Rams constantly tells the team to “screen for Matthew.”

Of course, the fans go crazy for Gross. His parents sit front and center at every game and are always there to cheer him on.

While his sister, Lauren Gross ‘15 might be too busy flirting with Gross’s senior classmates to watch him play, she is always present at his games to look pretty and take an Instagram. Daniel Eidman ’15 said, “It’s very nice that Lauren

comes to the basketball games to admire my blue eyes in the crowd... I mean to see Matthew play.”

Students in all grades talk about Gross’s skills. Without a question, Gross’s biggest fan is Jamie Cappell ‘14. Cappell, while extremely unathletic, is a key asset to the team for many reasons. First of all, he supplies the team with Cook (or is it Carlos?) and Gabys schnitzel sandwiches after every game. Second of all, even though he is not on the team, he writes school wide emails to the school with captain Gross to garner support for the team and attract fans to the games. Third of all, even though Cappell is not on the team, he paid for his own ticket and hotel room and followed the team to Memphis. Cappell lives vicariously through the basketball team, and even when there are team meetings he thinks he should be there. “Yeah, he’s not really on the team, but he’s a good friend and it’s sweet that he cares about us,” said Matthew Gross ‘14.

Gross continued to say, “I guess when me and my boys start up the next #Ripfest, I will rip on him for sending out emails to the school and writing from Matthew and Jamie because he doesn’t understand he’s just not on the team!”

Daniel Berg ‘14 and Natan Tauber ‘14, Gross’s two co-captains on the team, find Cappell’s devotion to a team he isn’t on a

little odd. After the Ram’s tough loss versus Northshore, Cappell broke into tears while Gross stood upset on the sideline. Cappell was more upset about the tough loss than the entire team combined.

He even said he would rather the Rams have won this game than have a girls weekend with Lauren Tahari ‘14 and Leora Katzman ‘14! After the game, Cappell posted a Facebook status to thank everyone who came to the game.

It read: “My high school basketball fan days have come to an unfortunate end. I have learned life lessons on how to cheer, scream, and get in the other teams heads.

Thank you everyone who supported me while I pretended I was on the basketball team for all of high school.” It seems that Cappell just will not get the message that he is not on the team - he has not woken up at 5 am for morning practices like the boys on the team did, and invested so much of himself in it. The day after the tough loss, Cappell arrived at school at lunch time because he could not face the pity comments.

Justin Haber ‘14 said, “Look, it may be a little odd, but we’re happy to have Jamie at every single game even though he’s not at the team whether he has to travel 5 minutes, 1 hour, or even 3 hours on a plane… (laughs), and of course, we are so thankful to have Gross on the team, he is definitely our MVP.”

NEWSFLASH - GIRLS DANCE TEAM LEARNS MOVES FROM MILEY CYRUS

Ramaz’s Popular Page

15 Signs You’re a Ramaz Kid at Heart... already worrying about your inter1. You’re 9. session plans and summer hasn’t even ended.

is how you feel after reading the first 2.This DBQ on your history final.

And this is how you envision conversations between the administration and parents:

you see Mr. Shaviv in school 10. When you’re like:

But after you finally figured it out you were like...

3.You’ve been caught on C by a teacher.

4.

Making funny signs and taking pictures of them before the Frisch Ramaz game is the most exciting day of school the whole year, but the teachers are just like:

used to the “Ramaz girls don’t eat ste5.You’re reotype.”

become an expert at dodging Ms. 6.You’ve Benel

were banned from the “Purim Chagiga” 7.You party because you weren’t afraid to show

And then when you heard Mr. Shaviv said you couldn’t use the copiers you were like:

study for 10 hours over Shabbos 11. You’ll for a test and then you’re friend calls

you and you tell them you haven’t even opened your backpack.

you get the corner seat in the 12.When lounge you feel like you won the lottery.

had to explain to Ms. Malamy why 13.You’ve you were late to school too many times to count:

you know that you can always count 14.And on Nadine to give you excused late notes to class.

Haftr kids #RamazIsSuperior:

matter how much we complain, we 15.No know we go to the best school out there the heads of tzedaka committee need 8.When someone to miss class on a Friday to collect, you’re like:

and other kids are jealous they can’t call themselves RAMAZ KIDS!