The Rampage The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 65 • Issue 5 • February/Purim 2021 • Adar 5781• the-rampage.org
”Real Fake News”
Find the magic of masks again
Happy Purim!
Ramaz Rooftop Pool Membership Open
Aviva Schilowitz ’24 Due to financial difficulties resulting from coronavirus, Ramaz announced it is open ing up annual memberships to the pool on the roof of the Upper School, known affectionately by members as “The Lookstein Lagoon.” Many heard about the exclusive Ramaz pool but few have seen it. The memberships would be the first to be avail
able in decades, with existing memberships closely held and handed down from generation to generation. A public record search for the owners of existing Ramaz pool memberships brings up only untraceable offshore holding companies, usually with obscure names like “Ramaz Pool Pure Alpha II,” but no information that gives away the identities of the members. The fundraising effort is being spearheaded by Mr. Kenny Rochlin ’86, Ramaz’s Head of Institutional Advancement. When asked about the optics of the fundraiser in the middle of a pandemic, Mr. Rochlin noted that, while unorthodox and also possibly un-Orthodox, the move is necessary. “The Lookstein Rooftop Pool, Margolies Snack Bar, Etra Locker Rooms, Ben Gurion Hot Tub, and Soloveitchik Inflatables have long been among Ramaz’s most exclusive and sought-after amenities. Given the fiscal challenges of running a school during a pandemic, opening up this new giving opportunity to a wider audience is a no brainer.” Some longtime members are not happy about the new plans for the pool. One current member who asked to remain anonymous in order not to jeopardize her membership, criticized
School Lunch Eliminated
Nicole Hirschkorn ’22 the food at any time, getting the entire student population sick.” In a recent turn of events, the Ra- In an attempt to reinvent the maz administration decided to suspend school’s sanitation standards, Ramaz will the in-school lunch program perma- continue to enforce pandemic standards nently, citing the COVID-19 pandemic after the country is fully vaccinated. For for the cancellation. Prior to the pan- example, students will be obligated to demic, Ramaz lunch consisted of a buf- wear face masks, and socially distance as fet, salad bar, juice bar, sauce bar, panini much as possible, substantially minimizmaker, and soup station. When asked to ing the spread of disease within the stuexplain the controversial decision, here’s dent body. The kitchen will be renovated what a member of the administration and converted into a new classroom, alhad to say: lowing for more students to study in the “After putting careful thought building while remaining six feet apart. into the matter, we decided to suspend The new and improved parthe Ramaz catering program for sani- ent-council run lunch will be impletary reasons,” said the member, wishing mented for good, providing packaged, to remain anonymous. “The pandemic germ-free lunches to the student body. forced us to realize that an open buffet While this decision is aimed towards is simply gross. Anyone could sneeze on bettering the experiences of Ramaz stu-
the plan. She said “First of all, it’s already hard enough to get a cabana on weekends without new riffraff showing up. Second, what they really need to do is focus on improving the outdated facilities. The pool isn’t even infinity! How am I supposed to swim in a pool that I can see the end of? What is this, some outer borough school?” Other members shared similar concerns, with some mentioning that, considering the high price, members should not have to suffer from a pool with finite, visible ends because it serves as a painful and constant reminder of our own finite conscious existences before we succumb to the eternal darkness and unknown. Others felt the J. Robert Oppenheimer Memorial Truffle Fries could be crispier. Still, the plan was met with enthusiasm by some. Elie Gadlin ‘98 -- an esteemed Ramaz pool alum and, according to his current wife, “former delinquent” -- has fond memories of his time in the Lookstein Lagoon. “I’m so glad that my formative years were spent at the Ramaz pool.” He refused requests to further elaborate, but did note that the Santander Bank Towel Service was delightful back in his day.
dents, some question the logistics of the move. “Where will the panini machine go?” questioned one student. “Where am I supposed to get unlimited peach juice now?” asked another. To compensate for the dismay of the student population, the school gave out lunch-boxes embroidered with the Ramaz logo. Continued on Page 6
Inside this issue... ULTIMATE DEBATE: Rabbi Albo VS Dr. Gaylord
Senior Journey
Relocated to Miami p.
53
p.
613
Students Learn ASL to Communicate over Zoom p.568
Cheerleading Club Suspended for Shortening Their Skirts p.
777