The Cock - Lampoon Edition by The Rock SPC

He'll Presidente Cocker-on-Duty: Foreign Cock

resident. Big word. Not to be confused with Pepsodent, the toothpaste for people who desire white teeth but P have no time to get checked up by a proper dentist. The President of a country is one of the most sought out after positions by any aspiring actors, proving to the whole country how far the world of performance art has come. Wanting to become President is like wanting to go on a Cross Fit regimen. People tell everyone that they are going to do it and convince them that they will be taking it seriously. Maybe even go as far as to book a year-long membership in advance. And when the day the gym schedule starts, somehow people show their inner lawyer and make excuses enough to make a legal consultant say "It probably isn't his fault. Technically." One man in the list of potential presidents who is making quite a name for himself is Mayor Rodrigo Duterte, who has made headlines across Mindanao for his ability to run the presidential race at less than 30kph. Dubbed the "Presidential Son of Mindanao" he has quite the reputation for his implementation of the infamous "Su-Tu-Kil" policy that was implemented during a cocaine sting back in 2014 which is defined officially as "a nickname derivation from three methods of cooking in Cebu which are sugba, tula and kilawin". Duterte has been largely viewed as the man who will change the Philippines for the better by Mindanao residents, but not suprisingly, Duterte isn't held in high regard by our Luzon counterparts.

Some refer to him as the type of guy would ride around in an unregistered motorcycle with a loaded handgun waiting for crime to rear its ugly head so that he could dispense some 9mm Justice. On a separate note, do you remember that one kid in class that doesn't even try to study but ends up at the top of the class, while you spend sleepless nights metabolising caffeine through an IV drip? Duterte is metaphorically that kid. He never wanted to be part of this, but he has wooed many Filipinos with his raw Justice and badass motorcycle riding. Aside from any more future Su-Tu-Kil orders from the man, our sources indicate that he plans to order KareKare next. Criminals beware.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Maganda ang may sense of humor, pero mas maganda ang may sense na humor.â&#x20AC;? (Olrayt, rakenrol to the world)

A U G U S T

The Philippine Classroom: If Politicians Were Prisoners Cocker-On-Duty: Wild Cock

he Filipino people have always looked up at the politicians in the country. How they lead the country into great heights and how they cultivate the riches of the country weather if it’s natural, non-renewable or tax generated. Politicians are somewhat like teachers. Everyone is afraid of them especially when they know that they did something wrong. Some people want to get close to them to become the teacher’s pet and some… Some people just don’t care as long as they can sleep during class or in political terms: SONA. But nonetheless, some people just can’t stand talking behind their backs. So what would politicians be like if they became teachers, what subject would they teach? How will they control the class and what are the disciplinary measures that they will take? Here is a quick glimpse of how they can be if the Philippines was a classroom: Senator Mar Roxas (The Filipino Teacher) Yes, we all have that one Filipino teacher who we listen to because we need to value nationalism and Mar Roxas is the epitome of that nationalistic dream of rising out of a person’s comfort zone and into a brighter future with persistent hard work. Mr. Roxas is the type of teacher who goes on and on about the Filipino Dream even if the class is a tad bit noisy and by the end of his long lecture he would go out fulfilled with his achievements and smile. Like some person taken out of a happy 1980s film.

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Vice President Jejomar Binay (The Economics Expert) Despite all the allegations against Vice President Jejomar Binay, he remains to be one of the experts in the Philippine economy as seen in the various properties that he has owned. He knows everything there is to know about tax and managing it. He even has several bank accounts loaded enough to fund the entire school. In disciplining students, however, he scares students of telling them that if they don’t behave, he’ll have to call the child’s parents much like what happened to him and the police with whom he had an argument with. Senator Grace Poe (Values Education) You can’t spell polite without Po as in.. Senator Grace Poe. She is so respectful that even her slogan promotes respectfulness and if she became a teacher she would probably stick those good manners on the minds of her students. However, respectful as she is, she is easily upset by those who mock her and/or her family so maam, if you are reading this, know that we mean no offense to your personal and family life. Po. Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago (The English Professor) We all have an English professor who could speak in fluent accent as well as dictate in straight English and that is what Miriam Defensor Santiago does. Everyone is intimidated by the broadness of her grammar as well as her ability to make someone feel guilty. She is one of those rare individuals that have the gift to make guilty people feel like they could just say they’re sorry and make them wish that the worst that can happen to them is get a time out. Mayor Rodrigo Duterte (Science Teacher) What comes into your mind when you hear science? Physics? Chemistry? Biology? Well that is usually the forte of Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte which is no wonder why Davao is such a high tech community. The Mayor can easily demonstrate the Physics of a fast moving car and how it is relative to a penalty fine. He is good with chemistry and can locate the several methamphetamine drugs scattered all around the city and how he can break the covalent bonds of crime. Human Rights Commissions have accused him of being good with biology due to the suspected number of dead bodies during his administration. Nevertheless, this science teacher is one to be feared because you don’t know what he can do with the things he knows.

Mensahe Mula sa Ulong May Hugot akit nga ba ang mga mababaw na bagay ang una nating nakikita? Bakit di na lang sa mga importanteng isyu natin ibaling ang mata? Sa mundong ang dahil wala sa buhok ang ikauunlad at ikagaganda ng panglabas na anyo ang palaging una, balewala ang mga bagay na dapat bayan. Kaya ikaw muna’y magbasa, matuwa’t mamangha, mapuna. Limutin ang kababawan at hukayin ang mga problema ng lipunan, ang ganda ng buhay ay nasa ngiti ng mukha.

Lampoon Edition of THE ROCK, official student publication of San Pedro College Editor-in-Chief | Mynard Pontillo Associate Editor | Alfonso Sebastian Alba Managing Editor | Shania Winona Tracey Canda Jackie Lyanne Mae Pinili Office & Circulation Managers | Maria Sophia Galido Roselle Marie Maduay

EDITORIAL BOARD S.Y. 2015

Senior Artist | Jewel Davis Kiang Senior Layout | Alriz Mark Tan

Senior Photojournalist | Irick Angelo Venus, Pauline Mae Lisondato, Mark Miguel Latras, Paola Jane Enriquez, Zapphira Sambas

Senior Writer | Vicente Maduay III, Eric Christian Fabian, Jorjani Sinsuat, Hanzelle Clarisse Dela Cruz, Judy Andrea Palado Junior Writer | Kristina Therese Catbagan, Nicole Kate Dayrit, Armel Love Demabildo, Francine Nahum Manguat, Jomarie Quen Obenza, Jovilyn Ugdang Junior Layout Artist | Nico Carlo Balintag, Von Janrey Reta

& Staff

Junior Artist Joseph Romuald Maduay, Kyle Imee Silud, Mark Henryll Omaguing Clyde Vincent Pacatang Junior Photojournalist Theresa Ann Deseo, Dorothy Joy Pimentel, Wendyllyn Bragat, Gianne Karl Aballe, Jezza Mae Barrera Junior Web Artist | Pearl Mariane Escote, David Uy III, Jasha Alistine Arizola

VIVIEN GRACE A. JUBAHIB, PhD Technical Adviser

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BBL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE

Cocker-on-Duty: Cock & Roll to the World Illustrated by: Jackie Lyanne Mae Pinili

f you’re a big fan of Marvel then you probably get excited every time they announce a new movie to add up to their already billion-dollar cinematic universe. Much like the endless cinematic universe of Marvel, the Philippines is also a cinematic universe on its own, and yes, PNoy has to be Nick Fury, right? The difference, though, is that the Philippines’ storyline and sequels focuses on one thing: PEACE. And one sensitive issue that drives people crazy about the attainment of peace is the passage of BBL. Please insert some Marvel-themed music here. If you’re a Marvel fan boy, then you can never let Marvel lose The Filipinos spend so much time finding peace from within when you’re up against a DC fan boy. Much like the Pro-BBL and the that much like Loki and his army invading Earth, China is slowly Anti-BBL fanatics, it seems that when you go around social media, taking our islands from the outside. The saddest you see all this apparent “experts” saying what BBL represents and part though, is that the Avengers had the Hulk what chaos it will bring. Oooh, chaos, Loki is and the Philippines has well, “pabebe girls.” probably smiling in the Halls of Congress after listening to this. The storyline of The endless sequels will continue until such this BBL Cinematic Universe can time all Filipinos realize that they belong to the be rooted all the way back from same cinematic universe, the same country the existence of MNLF, Hail and if they were to go in a conflict, it should Hydra! The said revolutionary be together not against each other. What group inked peace with the would an end-credit scene would be like if it government and apparently, features guys like Iqbal, PNoy, some Malaysian some of its members realized that guy, and even Binay? We can only imagine until the fight is still on and much like spoilers will leak as the continuation of the BBL how we ask for a rematch every Cinematic Universe continue. And in case, BBL time Manny Pacquiao loses, these will indeed be passed, everyone needs to utilize warriors formed the MILF which it and unlike Tony Stark’s Ultron and PH’s ARMM, it became the sequel after “ARMM: The should not fail and to those who don’t want peace, Failed Experiment.” Tadah! The end just imagine the peace panel saying the famous credits, though, is that this time more lines of the Pabebe Girls: “At walang makakapigil sequels of conflict and sa’men.” And for those who want war, chaos are bound to hit big “ Tama na yan!” time!

Hot is the New Cold

t’s another fiery afternoon in San Pedro College. First in tiny beads, sweat flows Iduring from your forehead like the torrents of water that fall from the sides of the gym heavy rain. You just came from the lab and just did the carbon dioxide

experiment. Yeah, CO2 , Carbon dioxide, the cause of that thing called global warming/greenhouse effect/climate change/global weirding/end of the world. Global warming or climate change or global weirding or maybe there’s just a large number of spanking hot people around, the increased temperatures have been blamed for a lot of things, at http://www.numberwatch. co.uk/warmlist.htm there’s a list of hundreds of things caused by global warming, An A-Z list, among them are statements that global warming will cause the world to be a desert and will also cause the world to be an icebox? Wow! Could you believe that? Here’s saying maybe the Chinese develop their own global warming, being global warming causes everything. The news is telling us that global warming caused the polar vortex that hit North America with temperatures reaching −37 ° below zero makes us think again. Global warming causing very cold winters. Because the world has become warmer, especially in the poles, maybe it was all those fires in Winterfell, the Wall is melting and all the meltwater will shut down the Gulf Stream, the current which brings warm water and Key Lime pie to Western

Cocker-on-duty: Everyone’s Cock Illustrated by: Jackie Lyanne Mae Pinili

Europe, thus making the Northern hemisphere colder because Winter is coming. Wait, what? A hotter world full of snow? Here’s where it gets crazy. All our lives, in our science classes, our teachers have taught the greenhouse effect wherein the greenhouse gases, primarily CO2, allow the sun’s warmth to enter the earth but, just like the SPC gym was designed for, trap heat and never let it go. The environmentalists say that we should lessen our carbon footprint by living like in the Stone Age. All for the glory of Mother Earth. Rich people and corporations don’t need simple living for they could just buy carbon credits, meaning I can still allow my factories rich in CO2 emissions to operate because I have forests planted that will absorb emissions. Meanwhile, in the coming United Nations Climate Change Summit in Paris in the later part of this year, the dignitaries will be flying in their private jets.

Here in the Philippines we always hear in the news about global warming or climate change affecting us in the form of super typhoons, droughts and sea level rise. But have we ever experienced a 40° C temperature here in Davao? Rising seas? Samal Island still exists last time I checked, and even Al Gore, a supporter of global warming, has seaside villas. The mainstream media screams Heatwave! in London with a 33° C temperature reading in the asphalt tarmac of Heathrow Airport and cries Global Warming! by getting carbon emission readings from the top of an active volcano in Hawaii but they fail to mention snowfall in the Sahara Desert, the Middle East, Antarctic sea ice is in record levels and cold records are being broken by 100 years. Global warming now, global cooling later, the magic of Carbon dioxide.

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Despicable Ming: Why Can’t China Move On?

Dress Code 2016: Ankle Skirts and Multi-layered Polos Cocker-on-Duty: the Angry cock Illustrated by: Thea Bianca Ellaine Pangolibay

Cocker-on-Duty: Everyone’s Cock Illustrated by: Jewel Davis Kiang

magine if Ateneo suddenly claims the lot occupied by SPC. We would ask “why” and Ateneo would answer ‘historical claims’. They would then release an old map to show that the land belongs to Ateneo from 1856 until now. Semi-attractive girls with ombre hair wearing jogger pants and armed with Starbucks coffee would start pouring in to “establish their sovereignty in their own territory”. Now imagine something like this happening in our own country’s backyard when far-off countries claim their “long distance territory”. China claims the whole South China Sea in their Nine-Dash Line argument. They just drew nine dashes on a translated British Royal Navy map to show how it would look like if we follow Feng-Shui tradition. Along with this, the Taiwanese, had a standoff with our coast guard when their coast guard refused to turn around when they were awestruck when confronted by our motor bancas. Does Batanes look like Taipei now? The Chinese said that they were the first to

discover the Spratly Islands and the Scarborough Shoal according to their old maps and that Chinese fishermen had been fishing there even before they learned how to produce fake fish. However how could this happen when they didn’t remember the Sinocentrism of China during Araling Panlipunan class? They thought everyone outside the Middle Kingdom was an unwashed barbarian and built the Great Wall to keep them out. So we Filipinos who living near a great fishing spot and never bothered fishing there? Apparently, historical

wonder if the guards are tired of having to stop students from entering the school on a regular basis. Usually, it’s for different reasons. Colored hair, wedge/stiletto/ flat shoes, colored brassieres/undershirts and basically everything prohibited in the student handbook. Talk about freedom of self-expression.

Rules can come in excesses, and this particular bunch is no exception. Everybody has their own opinion as to what is appropriate and inappropriate, so why impose a certain standard? I thought this institution was all about the respect for the uniqueness of persons. What’s a little hair color going to do?

ownership of the area means a right to the place nowadays. Italy and Greece could now claim Euro, I mean. Europe, Apparently China, could claim the world. What’s at stake? A million square kilometers. That would be 545,000 SPCs. A million square kilometers of potential sashimi, tourism cha-ching and oil dollars for the Filipino corrupt government officials to get full and maybe give spare change that could enable our country to be a first world one? That is if China doesn’t “kill everyone first”. Recent reports of mothers trying to hold their child’s education and opting for a greener pasture. Of course, through child labor. Yes, they don’t anymore see the possibility of a brighter future in this new system even though this curriculum is aimed at finding a solution to the widespread unemployment among the youth. Ironic, I know.

K-12: *SLAP!!! Cocker-on-Duty: Pabebe Cock Illustrated by: Jackie Lyanne Mae Pinili

aws don’t serve to please everyone. This is held true for the past issues being L thrown at the proposed K-12 curriculum for a new educational system in the Philippines.

Like father, like son, many students protested against RA 10533 or otherwise the Enhanced Basic Education Act of 2013. On June 15, members of the National Union of Students of the Philippines rallied in front of the DepEd Central Visayas. Richard Colmenares, a law student was one of the few to deem the RA 10533 to be unconstitutional. Well, aside from removing math and science subjects from early grades in the program, he found out that parents are to be excluded from the Curriculum Consultative Committee. So, basically, the K-12 program was implemented with prior consultation but not with parents (nor teachers)

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I can’t help imagining the future state of the dress code. To contain a more radical generation of students, the gratuitous Office of Suppressing Actions (OSA) might impose ankle shirts and pajama-like pants for the girls and the boys of SPC. And wow, imagine the

but with representatives from the Department of Trade and Industry and the business process outsourcing committee. Well, it’s not like the parents and teachers are important important enough to hear who they have to say right? Oh and wait, there’s more. Teachers are joining in on the ride to ending K-12 with the Manila Science High School teachers and students filing yet another petition (it’s the 6th, to be specific) against RA 10533 last June 22. Awwhh, don’t get jealous over being replaced by the DTI. Walang forever. Or maybe it’s just because MSHS’s special science curriculum got down the drain since a number of math and science subjects are rejected in the K-12 program. There you go people, many have stood up and tried to battle it out with the K-12, so better fall in line quickly. But now that you think about it, everyone’s already in on it. Nah, it is on your own discretion folks, but truth be told, the government’s not giving it up.

hassle on particularly hot days and rainy conditions. Honestly, if these rules are supposed to instill discipline among students, it would make more sense to divert the energy and time used for implementing the dress code into more important concerns such as littering, observing silence or decorum while in the LRC, or learning to return the utensils, plates and trays after eating in the SPC Café. A lot of people could use some sanctioning for those kinds of offenses.

#AhasChronicles Cocker-on-Duty: Pabebe Cock Illustrated by: Lois Saye Camaganacan

t’s a jungle out there-- wait, or should I say... Here. Of all places, who would’ve thought a snake would appear inside the LCO Office, and in an envelope at that. Now that’s what I call dedication to schoolwork. It seems like even in our own televisions, we seem to find that many “snakes” in every teleserye. But now, it seems that said snake got tired of being onscreen lately, hence, the unlikely trip here. Unfortunately though, our famous snake has come and gone. Hhhmmm, very ssssuspicious. Where could it be now?

back, now that the school got a little famous from it. I swear, this snake should have just left for Greece and helped in its bailout.

I suppose the paparazzi got to him really fast. Being a celebrity is not that easy you know, especially when it has very recognizable hissing sound and scaly skin. Contrary to hiding, the ‘pabebe girls’ surely aren’t afraid of the media and the public. In fact, they’re more onto scaring the eyebrows out of us. Don’t forget the bizarre love triangle between 12 to 18 yr olds that rattled Twitter and Facebook every single night.

Apparently, it got lonely, so maybe it got around friends. One can assume it would get along well with its fellow cold-blooded reptiles in the government. It certainly needed the protection from the paparazzi, besides the huge mansions and the countless land properties built using the average taxpayer’s money.

The snake probably didn’t wear the prescribed uniform or got scared of being caught modeling its newest Pompadour when the haircut prohibition came into light. I guess, it didn’t want the paparazzi’s attention

Isn’t it bothersome, not knowing what got you until it supposedly bit you? In the case of the lucky finder of our very own pet snake at school, lucky you indeed for not getting bitten by that thing. Kidding aside, the cycle goes on in this political system

of ours -- we vote clueless, await for positive changes or improvements under said politician, failed to see it so we grew tired and had to protest against him, then we chose to vote for another in the next term. Oh, and insert the part where we regret ever voting the person and compare him to the past ones who, you also had an equal and sound criticism on. I’m pretty sure everyone’s “on repeat” in this country. I mean, is everyone not fed up of listening or in other words, ‘twerking it with miley’? Rest assured, that snake’s not going anywhere. But who knows what might turn up next? So, better be more careful with where you go and what you do, because in no time, you’ll never know... A SNAKE. There’s a snake in the Vendo!

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The 2016 Kuto Elections

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HOW THE IT GUYS AND GIRLS DID IT Tales from Bachelor of Science in Information Technology Batch ‘14

Cocker-on-Duty: Cock Drogo Illustrated by:

ng buhok, bow. Tahanan ng balakubak na ilang A araw inipon, sa dakong patilla ang mga kuto’y nagtipon. Sa ikauunlad ng kanilang sandamakmak na lipon, ang nasabing miting sinimulan sa hapon. Sa dami ng dumalong kapartido, natuwa ang kagalanggalang na punong kuto. Inumpisahan nyang magsalitang bibong-bibo, pagkatapos ng kaunting salu-salo. “Mga mahal kong kapwa kuto, ako’y nagagalak at nandito kayo. Papalapit na ang panahon ng pagboto at wala pa akong nakikitang papalit sa aking pwesto. Sa loob ng aking termino ay marami akong naitaboy, pwera na lang sa mga sa mga islang inaangkin ng mga Tsinoy. Ako ngayo’y mabibitiw na para maghanap ng asawa, kaya kumandidato na kayo, please para nyo nang awa.” Sa walang pagaatubili ay may sumigaw

sa likuran, isang kutong may salamin ang nagwalang alangan. “Ako, punong kuto ay nagagalak na kumandidato. Hindi maikakailang ako ang pinaka-maraming nagawa ditto. Ako’y tumulong sa mga kutong napinsala ng Bagyong Head and Shoulders, dagdag pa dyan ang regalo ng asawa kong may sangkatutak na slippers. Kasama ng mahihirap ako’y pumadyak kaya pagunlad sa akin ay tiyak na tiyak.” “Walang silbi!” sigaw ng mamang ang topak ay matindi. “Ako, ginawa kong maginhawa ang ulong Makati. Ginawang magara ang mga bahay nyong munti. Sawa na

ako sa inyong masakit na panlalait, ako daw ay parang maitim na kilikiling inahit. Patatakbuhin ng pamilya ko ang bansang ito, kaya wala ng magagawa ang mga kasong inihain nyo.” Sa bandang kaliwa ay may nagtaas ng kamay, nagpakilala syang anak ng nagiisang Panday. “Sa inyong harapan ako’y nandito po, ako sana’y kakandidato bilang punong kuto po. Tulad ng mamang nauna maraming bintang na rin sa akin po, ako daw ay isang ampon at diskwalipikado po. Subalit alam kop o na ako’y mananalo po, kaya mga kababayan kong kuto iboto nyo na ako po.” Tumigil ang lahat at nagpigil ng hininga, ang kutong astig biglang nagpakita. Galing sa dakong batok ng

Cocker-on-Duty: Cockiepatootie Illustrated by: Jewel Davis Kiang

mabuhok na bansa, isang magiting na kuto ang payapang namihasa. “Ako ang natatanging kutong bagay maging pinuno. Mga selda sa lungsod ko’y aking pinuno. Sabi ng iba ako daw ay masyadong marahas, sa mga abusadong criminal at hayop na mandurugas. Pero tulo laway nyo sa lungsod kong mapayapa, kung ako’y mananalo bawat tiwali’y masisipa.” “Kung gayon, tayo na ay magbotohan,’ sabi ng punong kutong wala ng buhok sa ulohan. “Bawat kuto ay dapat bumoto, pumili na ng inyong kandidato. Ang kutong nakasalamin na may asawang reporter o ang kutong di kaputian na may senadorang daughter? O gusto nyo ba ang kutong magalang at mukhang smiley o ang kutong sumayaw ng twerk it like miley? O

mga mamamayang kuto pumili ng isa, bawal ang mga flying voters o yung matagal nang napisa.” Subalit bago pa man nagsimula ang botohan ng mga kuto, isang nakakabinging tunog ang umalboroto. Isang malaking makina ang tumambad sa pagtitipon, inararo’t pumatay sa masiglang kutong lupon. Hindi na nagawa ang voting and proclamation, wala na ring makakapagpatuloy ng kuto procreation. Ang nakakamanghang istorya ng kuto election, ngayo’y nasa isipan na lamang na puno ng imagination. Mahal na magbabasang sa istorya’y naka-station, kahit anong pang pilit mo ay wala ng second edition. Dahil ang buhok na tahanan ng nag-iisang kuto nation ay nadamay din sa #HaircutProhibition.

http://www.newsflash.org/2004/02/00001/0001010850.jpg http://www.abante.com.ph/panel/_files/image/a-image-leentech/news/2015/mar-roxas-001-1000.jpg http://www.theuttergutter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Pompadour_Hair_How-To_TheUtterGutter_Tutorial.jpghttp://www.mb.com.ph/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/1213.jpg http://assets.rappler.com/7248D4555D194830890AEBD9CDC026E7/img/968EE37D48C741E39AA1B6EED622D2EB/binay-supporters-police-clash-20150630-001.jpg http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/files/2014/10/binay-1.jpg

Illustrated by: Lois Saye Camaganacan irst there was twenty, then there was seven; 5 boys and 2 girls. That was the graduating class of BS IT in SPC a year ago. As most of us know, the course that had set off was no joke. Spending hours in front of the computer watching cats make fools out of themselves is far different from spending hours in front of the computer programming with your mentors’ eyes on you and a full bladder. So how did they do it? Three of the survivors let us know.

One of them is currently living his life out of the country, and has probably kept his diploma and TOR which makes him safe in spite of the views he pointed out. He rated the BS IT program 8 out of 10 based on its curriculum and wished he concentrated on a broader sense than just programming. In addition, he believes that the program, if it ever gets offered again, could improve through benchmarking and consultation from the alumni. On the lighter side, their small population made it easier to be focused upon by their mentors. They were also mixed with other classes from different courses, making it easier for them to meet chicks along the way. Summing it up, he emphasized the fact that they are proud SPCians not only because of the knowledge they encountered but also their spiritual growth. Touché. The next one started his statement saying that their experiences were great. They always helped and looked out for each other as they found ways to be strong, confident and kind to classmates coming from different courses. One of their teachers also stood as their caring second mother. Being the kid who liked to skip class, she always called him on the phone with the whole class eager to crush him to pieces. His friends on the other hand were like family, considering that they spent time together both inside and outside the school while they learned about life from each other. He added that five of them who are guys had fun sitting in the canteen sightseeing for pretty girls and backstabbing and laughing at other guys. Good times.

This last one, however, could be in trouble. He began by stating that the reason he chose BS IT was because he thought it did not have Math, which was probably the biggest obvious mistake of his life. Like how sensible exchanges go, he started off with the thing he hated the most. “It used so much brain to solve a problem every time,” he exclaimed and added, “but I got used to it and embraced it, though it’s hard.” Things then turned around when he shared about how close his class became in spite of others shifting, dropping and transferring. All of them who were left made a deal that if one of them does the same, the rest of them would be running towards the person’s house and hit them on the face—after which he made a disclaimer that they were just kidding. He probably remembered that whatever he said would be published. With their minds set that they will graduate as ITs, they did everything to pass. There were no group works and so they helped each other (bad example alert) which included sneaking to glance at each other’s papers and monitors. It was so hard for them given their number, but they managed, he emphasized. They made an improvised chat box sans internet connection by using Notepad and saying “Kuku! Kaka!” whenever one was to send a new message. They laughed even with the presence of their teachers, though they are still unsure whether they knew about their tactics or not. In spite of all the risks they took just to get through, he went cheesy and concluded that their mentors love them and did not want them to cheat. There was a time when they were taking an exam in the computer lab and three teachers watched over and reminded them that there was a CCTV in the room. These guys and girls got the best out of their years in the institution. Each one of them excelled in their own line of expertise; best in programming, best in multimedia, best in computer networks, best in documentation and best in baking. They may have graduated but they still support each other with the paths they are taking, whether it’s making computer programs executable or creating a fancy pastry.

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For a Better SPC

12 Reasons Why SPC is the Top 12th University in the Philippines

Cocker-on-duty: Cockaine and Friends Illustrated by: Jewel Davis Kiang

Cocker-On-Duty : The Twin Cocks Illustrated by: Jackie Lyanne Mae Pinili

easons come and go. The day gives in to night. We are all going to graduate some time, somehow. Barney and Bailey will go on their separate ways and probably will have more relationships than any of us ever will. There is no forever. There is only change. There is one exception to this, however: the omnipresent tuition increase. We ask ourselves, “Why is there always a tuition increase? Why couldn’t it be that there will always be no classes instead?” Being intelligent beings of the 21st century, we do not just scratch our heads. We grab our phones, and make sure that our pleas and questions are seen by the entire world via our social media accounts because we are just that important. Woe no more. Our wait for those answers has finally ended. Why is there a tuition increase? We present to you The Cock’s official list of school improvements 1. A walk-in closet to organize the confiscated ID’s from students who did not follow haircut rules and wore wedges to school. Finally, there will be no line extending all the way down the staircase. 2. They are going to patent a revolutionary ruler to make sure that the haircut of men is exactly 2x3 inches. These will be exclusively used by barbers in the school’s personal barber shop located in the 3rd stall of the PL Hall bathrooms.

3. They’re going to install more vending machines. Have you gotten your heart broken because you were served hot water instead of coffee? Don’t fret because one of the other 15 vending machines will probably have coffee in them. 4. Rejoice, for they are going to upgrade the Internet speed. You will enjoy a speed of 3.015 mbps and the range will now cover at least three-fourths of the covered court. 5. They need just a little bit more money to make the elevator function again. 6. We will soon be provided with the remote controls for the air conditioners that we can’t seem to find whenever we are freezing to death in an SD room. 7. They will provide the exit gates with X-ray machines in case we accidently put the overhead projectors inside our backpacks. 8. Dancing studios will be built so freshmen will no longer accidentally hit anyone walking around either with faces buried

it a coincidence that the establishment at 12 C Guzman Street is the Top 12 University in the Philippines? (According to Finduniversity.ph.) IsCool, right?

The exact dates of when these shall be realized are yet to be known. It could be years after we graduate, but our funds will surely benefit the common good, and for future generations. We might complain now. We will pull out our hair first before pulling out those extra thousand pesos out from our pockets. But think of our children. And their children’s children. Imagine how we would feel when we ask them: “How is SPC now?” We would smile and think of how noble our legacies are.

that High School Musical song: “we’re all in this together.” Yay! It’s so exciting to build your goals with your friends, right? Just imagine all these organizations from the Saligan Supreme Student Council to The Rock to NSRC, all trying to fix

1.Nonfunctional elevators – We all know that physical activity or exercise contributes to a healthy mind and body. With a nonfunctional elevator, the school effortlessly moved the students to be physically and mentally active. Physically active by walking the floors (with 6 inch heels? Wow!) ; Mentally active by always making the students guess why the elevator is still not working.

9. The need a LOT of funds because they are towing SPC Ulas here brick by brick. Also, making schedules that will allow all of the students to use the rooms fairly is a stressful job hence they have to buy a steady supply of Stresstabs.

BFF GOALS: THE SPC WAY Last summer, SPC held a BFF slumber party and it was referred to as the Student Leaders Summit which unified every club and organization through their respective representatives and discussed the possible goals of every organization and just like

Being an SPCian you might have underestimated the reputation of our college. The freshmen might have felt scammed when the garden looked bigger in the promotional fliers and the upperclassmen might say, Top 12? I could give you the Top 12 professors I don’t like etc… But still it’s hip to know why our school ranked 12th and the reasons why….

in books and/ or with blank, hopeless expressions fresh from their return demonstrations in their laboratories.

o you have that special someone whom you consider to be your bestie? Like your beshie besh? That person you consider as a sibling from another mother… Well SPC just did that last summer by uniting an all-star crew of student leaders from different clubs and organizations to unite, to work together and to create a better student leadership based on a common goal, you guessed that right, this is literally, SPC’s “FRIENDSHIP GOALS.” Uh-huh, that’s right, BFF mode. the elevator. So exciting! These organizations tweeting: “Using the elevator with my beshies. #Finally #ElevatorIsAlive” That would sound so fun! Uhhh. Or maybe, the summit was a way to unite all these clubs and organizations and turn

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And then they would reply, “It’s great. There’s 10 floors added to each building now so we have more room. I just wish they could finally fix the elevators.”

Cocker-on-Duty: So naCOCKaloka

them into one big barkada and work hand-in-hand to create a campaign of what should be a cutie haircut, awwwe! Haircut with the beshies! And together, that campaign may end up trending, too!

sad story beshie but it’s going to be so fun, seeing all the IG posts and statuses and tweets and even “laags.”

It’s a fun time to be in SPC with all these student leaders united for one common goal, which we seriously hope won’t involve the addition of more sanctions. Or else, magreklamo ang mga taga-The Rock! #Bagutboooot! Such a

Talk to you later beshies! Need to talk with Mommy LCO, Kuya SC and Daddy Saligan for that mega-super vacation to Buda! Exciting! BRB Going to go pack my iPhone chargers.

Let’s go friends! Goals are goals!

2. Proper Haircut – Cleanliness is an ideal characteristic that the SPCians must possess. Inspired by the spirit of cleanliness, San Pedro College requires the male students to have a 2 x 3 inches haircut. Instead of the spirit of cleanliness possessing, more like an angry boar spirit possesses the hair conscious peeps and if not, haunting those who have feared the 2 x 3 habit of most private Catholic driven schools. Maybe in the future they’ll be opening a Catholic barbershop here too. 3. Hair Color - To groom responsible adults for the near future, San Pedro College requires the students (most females are involved) to have the natural hair color – black. This forces some of the students with ‘colored’ hair to dye with black just to compensate for the rule. The fact that this rule discourages ‘dyeing’ of hair. OH the IRONY. 4. Proper Attire – This does not apply to students ONLY. This also applies to people who are coming and going to SPC. The school believes that

as a learning community, one must be conscious on what he/she is wearing, decency. This requires girls to wear shoes with at least a one-inch heel. So girls, go flaunt your gastrocnemius like a professional ramp model…. Just don’t stumble and fall! 5. SPC Café – One of the improvements here in SPC that is to be taken noted of is the new and improved SPC Café. Is it me or the room in here is getting warmer during noon time? Maybe the chandeliers are intimidating or because you just finished your daily workout by opening the fitness gym…, I mean SPC Café doors. For the A/C, we can’t truly say if it is still functioning or not (lunch period). Well, the food’s nice though. 6. Higher Tuition Fees – The school needs to repair the elevator, and the chandeliers are asking for it too. Add to that special A/C units in the SD and PL classrooms that puts you -50 degrees below zero or the Sahara desert. 7. Comfort Rooms – Another improvement here in San Pedro College is the scarc.... ehm, abundance of comfort rooms in the campus. Around 10 or more can be found in strategic locations inside the campus (we truly hope so). Well, we can’t blame the maintenance peeps for reasons such as messy micturition of urine, backdoor issues, and flush problems. If you’relaughing right now, then you are guilty of doing such things inside the C.R. Mhmm… Maybe

you’re the person that graciously left me with presents on the toilet. Right… I think those were black, or maybe green? (Pardon for those who are eating their favorite snacks.) 8. Diversity – Just like the colors of the rainbow, SPC has a diverse background of students coming from all across the nation (aiming for globally somewhere near the future). Some of the common denominations include Kanto Boys, Pabebe Girls, Mocha Guys, Ladlad Party List and SK Party List. An expected rise of groups will be formed after the current academic year, of which includes ‘Curry and Spice’, ‘Mixed Whites’, and (K-12 tag). The more the merrier. 9. Bagutbots – Since time in memorial (or m a y b e during the time where dinosaurs walked the earth), these have never stopped us from laughing out on other people’s miseries and of course reeducating us of what truly we should focus o n .

Being incoherent insensitive.

and

10. Pepay and the Gang – It is a common problem of educational institutions that the students would loiter after class and there is the threat of potential thieves and intruders that might use the cover of darkness. Normally SPC would need security but with Pepay and her friends that go bump in the night, potential

hooligans would escape the premises before out goes the light. Just don’t mind dragging chairs, faucets turning on by themselves and photo bombers. 11. Core Value – One that struck me the most is the Respect for the Uniqueness of Persons. Well, there are a lot of things happening that are related somehow to this core value and if you’re observant enough, well good for you. They should’ve put some exceptions on this specific core value such as….. Well, I’ll leave the imaginations to you. 12. Fauna and Flora Wanna unleash your inner Steve Irwin? Snakes in the offices, cats in the laboratories, elusive rats in your….never mind? With an ecosanctuary, being in SPC is surely beyond the ordinary, there is never knowing what furry critter you might encounter in the collegiate jungle.

A U G U S T

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BAGUTBOT BAGUTBOT

The Freshmen Playlist

Illustrated by: Jewel Davis Kiang Mary Grace Pascua Thea Bianca Ellaine Pangolibay Lois Saye Camaganacan

Cocker-on-Duty: Cock Snow

he last batch of freshmen before the great drought due to K-12 program has arrived and in less than a month, they had already gained a ‘reputation’. It seems that the tips from ‘Diagnosing a Freshman’ do not apply to them anymore because they are mature and Well, batches should not be really compared with each other. Respect the uniqueness of others, nga ‘di ba? Each generation is uniquely characterized and they have their own anthems.

Nakakasakal na talaga ang spc ba. Halos lahat bawal. Unsa ni military?

The Rock, the publication that strives to be the bridge between all students in all their glory, presents to you a 2015 YouTube registration pending Official Playlist for the Freshmen of 2015 – 2016. Track 1. We are the Champions by Queen

rko g ba cal a r u i na m med con kog nag r i a a aning bi n iay kana kaayo. A eaman d s a g sab e ko, na s cour Bata dang n a t –Ma

-The Choked

Gawonder ko asa naadto ang money sa students? I mean, dako gud ang tuition,asa naadto besh? Sa mga office? Unta naa lang man improvement! Para makabalo mi asa ang kwarta na gipaghirapan sa among ginikanan?!

No time for losers ‘Cause we are the champions of the world Remember this song on your Intramurals day when the other team won the Championships? Most freshmen have a difficulty adjusting from high school life to college life. They used to be the leaders – the ate’s and kuya’s – during high

Kanan g nakat mga baba ulon sa l.c. na Respe to pud ug meg murag aphon gama e?! y gan –The g Anno yed

–I JUANder

ing lag alit a p ag na nag .grrr! i ng a.. kam haba g taw isa ero nan g alit p man a M ag na g na tawa y t a igh R . r -M

ion na a ment o mi iy s e ig na s h? Ta teacher Like wt Naa mi lamb daw mi. ial sacrific maam.

Hoy naa y cr sa pl b buslot ang cub icle e i feel so tween 3rd ug 4th sa mens naked. A y? Charo floor. Omg t -The Vio lated

ffend –The O

epa

–P

afe ng spc c a o y a a k Guot na sardinas ig m a n mura al

–karak

Track 2. Live While We’re Young by One Direction Yeah, we’ll be doing what we do Just pretending that we’re cool and we know it too (know it too)

They say that adolescents are in a bad position. They are treated like kids and expected to act like adults. Just where really must you stand? Someone was brave enough to say, ‘So please, give justice to this one. Solve this one. INFORM US WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THERE.’ When confused, you just have to ask nicely like this one, right? Wala namang hindi nadadaan sa magbuting usapan, eh. Track 3. I Love It (I Don’t Care) by Icona Pop You’re so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this witch You’re from the 70’s, but I’m a 90’s bitch

You can never please everybody so, do not care what others have to say. Kahit na nagastudy sina ate and kuya na katabi ninyo sa table sa LC for their 5-chapter quiz in Histopath mamaya, and kayo ay masayang kumakain while “studying out” for RS, who cares? Basta kayo, #YOLO. Salá nila ngano wala sila nagadvance study, ‘di ba? Track 4. Break the Rules by Charli XCX I don’t wanna go to school I just wanna break the rules Everything is new to you. The things you thought you mastered in high school no longer apply in college. Haircut rules are absurd. Heel standards make your feet sore. Girls, how many band-aids did you stuck on your feet? And the necktie! Just how do you tie it neatly? Good thing that the school has not imposed the rule of ‘no running inside the campus’ yet or else

how would you stretch your sleepy legs along the corridors where seniors are taking their quizzes? Anyway, they will just imagine that you are Pepay on her new terrifying advances. Track 5. Shake It Off by Taylor Swift I stay up too late, got nothing in my brain That’s what people say, that’s what people say Seniors are judgmental. ‘You know nothing, freshmen,’ – this is their mantra. They are stereotyping you as bothersome, naïve youngsters who are yet to experience the painful truth about college – sleepless nights, caffeinefilled bloodstream and deep, dark, heavy eyebags. Work hard and prove them wrong but don’t go declaring war on them. Be the bigger person, I challenge you. By the way, WELCOME to SPC!

BUMPS ON THE ROAD TAKEN

ded. ht han ig r e r ? ple a chairs ll peo Not a left handed g na an

ba,

school and going back to just being the baby kinda sucks. They have to be treated like a kid again and endure the words ‘ana pa mo karon, tan.awon lang nato pag 3rd year na mo.’ Like, why do the seniors have to threaten you, freshies? As if you don’t know that already. Hawd gud ang freshies. The best batch ever. Rumor has it that an org plans to give you guys an award, Best Blocker of Stairs.

Cocker-on-duty: Cocktails Illustrated by: Mary Grace Pascua

Ang c sa fa r sa ct 3 - AF n r u d e c e e w t alay Scr kit tubig roj. h. Sa p g d 4t n – A u ng na s a io unt s sa eflect kaga n r m a mit u ng a roo ang a t g me Bu mg mata dyas a ng s a yo kaa

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asan

fter a series of long and exhausting debates and hearings, K-12 or Republic Act 10533 has come– ready or not. Such act implements 2 more lengthy and expensive years in senior high school. Basically, it’s to provide ample time for mastery of concepts and skills and to prepare the students for tertiary education, where the real mind-bending world starts. Yes, the program has started recently but latent problems aren’t being resolved yet. One of the most pivotal problems is the financial burden to the parents. Uh, it’s like adding another ton of heavy luggage on their backs for their child to finish secondary school. A lot of families are barely managing the academic fees and requirements of their children, and bestowing them another bounty load is such a big naaay. But wait, there’s more! Certain petitioners against K-12 emphasizes that 400,000500,000 high school junior graduates might be forced to transfer to private senior

high schools because the government cannot accommodate building sufficient public senior high schools, as DepEd admits. These students would most likely drop out of school, and it’s too ironic from their goals. Needless to say that certain college and university professors might lose their jobs since for 2 years, there will be no new student admissions, so they can’t teach in that span of time. It’s like the newlyimplemented education system of our country is full of bumps and cracks that’s blatantly too contrary to the

‘tuwid na daan’ slogan of the current administration. Even if the Kinder to Grade 12 program has already been implemented, the government should rectify the future grievances that would occur. Such humungous

step towards educational advancement ought to have clear and definite solutions already laid out in case the dire consequences have come.

A U G U S T

Hashtag Kamaysa

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Cocker-on-duty: Cockaine Illustrated by: Jewel Davis Kiang

Paasa. If you told me something about this hashtag four years ago, I would just raise an eyebrow and twitch my nose as if I smelled something pungent. I am now in my senior year, however, and I can say that I encounter a #Paasa moment more times than I would like. It’s not just because I’ve dived into relationships- fell in love, had my heart broken, but still tried again just like in “That Thing Called Tadhana” and the rest of the Filipino movies- but also because there are things, even something ordinary like school work, that deserve that hashtag. You do not have to be in a relationship to experience a #Paasa moment. For example, I cannot remember how many sleepless nights I spent in order to study for a quiz the next day. I skipped breakfast, and on my way out I almost forgot that I was still wearing my fluffy bunny slippers. Of course, the teacher was not around when I got to school, and the quiz was moved tomorrow. It’s like when we spent months preparing our OOTD, only to ruin our outfit in the process of finding our elusive crush. It’s like when we expected to go to Samal Island for a party, and finding out it got cancelled because our friend’s yacht’s driver got food poisoning. We work so hard to impress a person, but he/ she will not let us prove our worth.That test with which you sacrificed for should have been yours, but it would never be....it never was, just like unrequited affairs and “not the one who got away but went away from you”. Before we get all bitter, we must remember that we all need that pick-me-up whenever we’re down. We need someone who will be like that steaming cup of coffee who is not always literally hot (unless you’re lucky) but he/she will give you that extra boost of confidence and energy. But sometimes we get our hopes let down. Sometimes our friend is in zombie mode just like us, or morphed into a dragon because he/she missed an episode of “Pangako Sa ‘Yo”. We expect them to be around, but they are not there. We expect a cup of coffee from the vending machine, but

him or her. The vibrations from the phones were like electric shocks but they were soon put out when we found out it was from our buddy, Smart. For all those times we receive a group message from the class president, and our pulse quickened with anticipation. For all the countless times we wanted to see “Class is cancelled” but read “Class will start at 7:30 sharp. Prepare for a quiz.”- Those few lines of words are no bullets, but they shattered our dreams and deflated our hopes. #Paasa moments hurt no matter what shape and form it arrived in our lives. Why? Because we expected something, and made efforts for it, but in the end we still did not get what we want. And that’s not entirely our fault. There are things outside our sphere of control. We can only control our own actions, and not the actions of others- our teachers, our friends, our crushes (unless you attempt to do some voodoo, but really pins should be reserved only for specimens undergoing dissection).

all we get is a cup of air, or a cup of warm water more bitter than an ex-girlfriend. Finally, we get into the words we expected to hear. This is for all those times when we said confessed our feelings, but all we got in reply was a “Meh.” For all those times we waited for that fateful text from

Cockerd-on-duty: Cockwise and Countercockwise Illustrated by: Lois Saye Camaganacan

Today’s Vocabulary And due to these very realistic movies which have put the standards of hugot to a whole new level, or so we say, whether we say some hugot lines consciously or unconsciously, we can never ignore the fact that we are experiencing this kind of syndrome that has taken us over.

Brokenhearted? Friendzoned? cheated on? I hugot na yan! From social media to ordinary conversations, Filipinos just can’t help mentioning something that draws emotions deep within their endocardium, or to simply put, hugot. It’s like a whole new unique trend in expressing the deep-seated bitterness, agonies and emoness a person has or

Moving on? Got

just simply joining the bandwagon. Perhaps the main impetus of the hugot influx are the tear-jerking and heart-wrenching Filipino romantic movies like ‘One more chance,’ ‘Paano na Kaya,’ and the recent most-hugot-film awardee, ‘That Thing called Tadhana.’

There is only one thing we can do. It’s the best we can do, as with all things that leave us downhearted and hopeless. It’s what I would like to do when I graduate (finally please), and that is to move on. Move on from #paasa moments. It is unbecoming to dwell on what could have been ours, singing “On My Own” in the rain drenched streets of Paris. We cannot expect much from the world, because the world will keep on moving. And so shall we.

Ano yan? Saturday lang naman yan ah.” As if they never experienced how it feels to fall in love! (Naks was that a hugot?!) Or even us students, in our ordinary day-to-day living, we oftentimes tend to blurt out words of excruciatingly facepalming statements of hugot.

We know that there are those times that make us think why Math was ever invented and during the discussion of our professor, when we experience some kind of vertigo in digesting the lessons, some of us might say, “May mga bagay talagang kahit anong pilit mong intindihin at paghirapan upang makuha, hindi mo talagat makukuha.” Have you Or another one is ever said that, or if not, when Valentine’s day heard it from one of your on the 14th of February seatmates? is coming and these colonies of bitter populace Or was there a time would simply react by when you failed your quiz saying, “Valentine’s Day? for the eighth time but you When, for example, a lady hands out her money as her jeepney fare to the driver, the driver would simply ask, “Ilan to?” And to the surprise of the other passengers right then and there she would unconsciously say, “Isa nalang po manong. Dalawa sana, iniwan ako eh.” Boom! That’s one grave hugot we see.

are still spurting positivity and then surprisingly say, “Wala namang magbibilang kung ilang beses ka nagpapakatanga diba?” Talk about being so optimistic! Admit it, the hugot syndrome is not only exasperating and maddening to the extent that we try to bury the person who has said some hugot lines alive, but it’s also amusing; captivating us with its thought and the issues beneath its beauty. It’s interesting and ridiculous at the same time, and it makes us laugh out loud for its riveting effect. Speaking the hugot language is not annoying at all; just be sure to take some time to heal the broken hearts and mend the shattered souls for we might just guess what you are going through through this one hilarious of an expression.

LAMPOONEDITIONofTheRock,officialstudentpublicationofSANPEDROCOLLEGE ast May 14, 2015, when all the world witnessed the abundant talents the Philippines L has, four Filipino ‘Asia’s Got Talent’ acts —Gwyneth Dorado, Gerphil Geraldine Flores, Junior New System, and the hailed champion, El Gamma Penumbra— stood

up and took pride to bring honor and glory to the country. With the standing ovations they received from both the judges and the audience, to the performances they so immensely pulled off, it’s only safe to say that, they really had the talents and skills that are absolutely worth the time for the whole wide world to see, unlike some crazy performance that makes no sense but to which they call it a talent. They inspired and made people cry buckets of genuine tears. And speaking of talents and endowments, let us take a closer look of what ‘talents’ this country has that could make us sit lazily on the couch and eat popcorn and think of the good ways of how to forget this country has that kind of talent, a talent so different than the one El Gamma Penumbra has. Well, let’s give them the awards they deserve, shall we? For the 3rd place: the PBB737 housemates’ talent of being ‘pabebe’. Surely, this trend is not foreign to some of you since most teens are watching this season’s Pinoy Big Brother. And yes, every time we turn the TV on and watch the show, it is undeniably normal for us to roll our eyes, signaling an expression of contempt (often combined with a sigh) towards the ‘pabebe’ moments of these clueless teens. They met for about a week and the next day they are already telling their “I love you’s” to each other... How cool of a talent is that, rushing love the pabebe, oops,

we mean, the PBB way? How do you acquire such skill to master the art of smooching around and not caring about the whole people of the Philippines watching? Ultimately there’s a secret recipe to that that we all want to know what is and just how these youngsters naturally got it. Bravo for that smoochiepoos and pumpy-yumpy-yumpkins! For the 2 place: the TV industry’s magical ideas of airing third-party shows which somehow gets a little too cliché now. nd

Not only does TV show us pabebe teens, well, doing their own

pabebe style, but also gives us dramas that can make us root for one woman over the other. “Akin lang ang asawa ko!” “Pahiram ng asawa.” “Ako ang mas mahal niya!” Yes, it’s surely intense and intriguing but… are the people running these shows can’t find any other ideas to present to the national audience except cat fights and love triangles? But nonetheless, this kind of talent gets really kicking to be honest. It’s just that… it has become a mainstream thing now. Third-party issues are a mainstream thing now.

The Other Side Cocker-on-duty: Cocka Delevigne

For the Champion: the 2016 possible presidential candidates’ talent of pagpaparamdam to the society when the elections are already fastapproaching. Touché! This talent bags the highest award since in the world of Filipino politics; this has been the greatest magical power of an aspiring, all good-looking (of course not the good-looking you might think... The good-looking in terms of always stating the lifechanging projects he/she contributed to the general ‹welfare› of the people on commercial ads on TV and posters on the city streets) political candidate running for a certain position in the government. An example of which is when we’re driving our cars, or riding public vehicles, it is so obvious that the main causes of traffic jams are the annoying road constructions brought

to us by the concerned and sincere candidates for the election… Why do they even do that when there’s nothing wrong with the road? Ugh. Have you watched TV yet? If you haven›t, well, watch for yourself and see the goodness and kindness and angel inside of them, even though now›s not the ripest time to start campaigning. Over the years, this talent always shows up whenever the elections are approaching, that no one even bothered to get reactive about this anymore. But surprise! They’re still at it again! And so we’ve read the other side of the wondrous ‘talents’ this archipelago has. Let’s just hope that they will not continue pursuing these talents and skills(????!!) for it is better to remain quiet than to do something that could quiet everyone else, in a bad way.

Long Live, Phil Lit Love, Hugot

Cocker-on-duty: Cockilycious Illustrated by: Lois Saye Camaganacan

e are the generation Z – the generation who has never known a world without internet. In the world of online W chatting, posting ‘What’s on your mind?’, tweeting, taking selfies and making dubsmash, ancient literature would surely pale in comparison to how Philippine literature had evolved to a combination of dramatic slaps,

meddling side characters and hugot lines. This new global awareness is part of the reason why we are more liberal on social issues, evidently on the wide acceptance of LGBT community on television. Reports have it that Father Damaso fainted at the sight of Dennis Trillo and Tom Rodriguez holding hands, gasping ‘Que horror!’ shortly before swooning. Even Mother Ignacia shared the same plight when she saw her girls, Rhian and Glaiza sharing a passionate kiss when she flicked her tv on after praying Ave Maria. But then, being intriguing and unconventional makes these shows a success for it shoves opinions and information to the viewers about other people’s struggles. #LoveWins Biag ni Lam-ang and Tanikalang Ginto are faded gems in Philippine literature and books like Stupid is Forever and Dear Alex, Break na kami, Paano?! Love, Catherine have surfaced to address the varied interests of readers that changed in respect to the signs of times. No matter how often people used the hashtag #WalangForever, Ka’ Miriam would just shrug and say, ‘Kung isa akong joke, gusto ko yung napipikon ka, para naman seryosohin mo ako.’ If villains then were forces of evil that demands to be vanquished at the end of every story, now we dare to explore their side. The

teleplays today explicitly show how a villain came to be scheming and desperate. It explains the circumstances of a mistress and what makes her start a brawl and say, ‘Ako ang mahal ni Victor… Wag kang bitter!’ or ‘Boring ka! Kaya si Adrian naghanap ng excitement sa iba…Di mo pa rin ba natatanggap naging akin si Adrian? Akin si Adrian! Akin siya!’ It would be a total shame to those scriptwriters if you still think that villains are just plain wicked. I imagine that they would say, “Everyone’s entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege!” Truly, gone were the days of “That’s all I ever

was to you Ned – your best friend… And I’m so stupid for making the biggest mistake of falling in love with my bestfriend, dahil kahit kailan, hindi mo naman ako makikita, eh. Kahit kailan, hindi mo ako kayang mahalin na higit pa sa isang kaibigan.” Today, teenagers of the same predicament would just tweet #friendzoned with a sad face of a colon and an open parenthesis.

to haunt our poor thirdworld country, Pangako Sayo reflects these evil plots in politics. Madam Claudia was even spotted lying on a bed of money and showering herself with one thousand bills while those who can afford television to watch her are those that pay taxes. See? Classic.

Nevertheless, the Philippine literature of today strives to share some of the most salient features of classical dramas which creatively depict the different social realms of the Filipinos. For example, as the issue of corruption continues

During an interview, Jose Rizal, one of the defenders of Philippine orthography, was asked of his thoughts about the Philippine literature since he was a celebrated writer himself. Until now, his life, works and teachings would be free

of dust during semesters if professors require reading. To this, he replied, “Do me a favor. Wag mo na akong patayin ulit!’

A U G U S T

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SONG TITLES THAT ACTUALLY EXIST: INANIMATE OBJECTS EDITION Cocker-on-Duty: Cockiepatootie Illustrated by: Mary Grace Pascua

e all know “Wrecking Ball”, “Mirrors”, “Sledgehammer” and “Flashlight” which are song titles derived from random objects. People are struggling to express how they feel that they relate persons and feelings to inanimate things. Nothing is wrong about it; in fact a lot of them actually make sense. But check out these tracks that actually exist and see if you can relate to any of them.

Cheap Sunglasses by ZZ Top – Dusty Hill, a player of the band explained in an 1875 interview with Spin magazine explained,”We wrote that song when we used to tour in cars. And every gas station in the world had a cardboard display of the cheapest and ugliest sunglasses you could imagine. I have bought a thousand pairs of them.” He added, “The hip trip for us was to throw them into the audience as an offering. We ran out and we couldn’t get any more. So we now have to make to do with Sanford

Hutton’s creations out of New York. The Ray Ban Wayfarer was the original cheap sunglasses. You could buy a pair for six bucks originally. I saw a catalog from 1959, and by then they were up to eight bucks. We had to take a bad rap from an optometrist who said ‘Don’t wear ZZ Top’s cheap sunglasses. They’re bad for your eyes.” PVC Chair by Demented Are Go – If you listen carefully or read the lyrics, it’s basically about someone who was chased in the garden with a wooden pole by someone he used to fight with and ended up on a PVC chair. Sweet Leaf by Black Sabbath – Uh, it’s about weed. S p e e d i n g Motorcycle by Daniel

Johnson – This song is an ode to a speeding motorcycle. To Daniel Johnson, it’s something he knows that will always be by his side. So much hugot. A Laptop Like You by Jonathan Coulton – This one is a love song dedicated to his laptop. Well, we all love our laptops, even when some of them shut down because of overheating or hibernate at the middle of your thesis writing. It’s our lifeline, we don’t have a choice. But Jonathan seemed to have a deep connection with his, with the lyrics, “It’s not your cd slot, or the Unix on which you are based. You make my lap hot ‘cause underneath your aluminum case there’s love. And I forgive your strange one-button mouse, I forgive the way your keyboard leaves marks on your screen. I can overlook a fault or two for a laptop like you.”

My Adidas by Run DMC – Talk about sneaky advertising. A lot of us are sneaker enthusiasts, but this guy seems to revolve his happiness around his pair, particularly his Adidas. But wait, there’s more. Twenty-five years later, DMC cleared out what his song really means. “It was a song that was about our sneakers, but it was bigger than just talking about how many pairs of sneakers we had. It came from the place of people would look at the b-boys, the b-girls and go, ‘Oh, those are the people that cause all the problems in here.’ And, ‘Those young people are nothing but troublemakers and those young people don’t know nothing.’ So they was judging the book by its cover, without seeing what was inside of it.” Tourniquet by Marilyn Manson – Sound familiar, Medtechs? So

much for people feeling intimately attached to objects, this song speaks about wanting something but not being quite sure what it is, like how sweet love feels but cripples you at the same time. It’s like having a void that you want to fill but nothing fits, and so you create something to fill that void. A fan concluded that it is symbolic of the desperation felt by Manson when he can’t fill the empty void of himself. Now ain’t that deep? The Sun by Ghostface Killah – This song tells about how awesome the Sun is. The real Sun, not the one we blame for bad network signal. There are more songs that have inanimate objects as their titles but Google was not able to find us explanations for them. Got ideas? Let us know! Or not.

A Quick Guide To Pop Culture in the 21st Century Cocker-On-Duty: Cock Soccer Illustrated by: Thea Bianca Ellaine Pangolibay

op culture is constantly changing, what people want now may not be what people want later and it is with this popularity mood swing that keeps the weirdness in our world constantly evolving. But it kind of makes you wonder, if the people from long time ago, say the early 1800s saw the popular trends today, what do you think they would say? Here are some of today’s hottest trends in pop culture and a guide to what they exactly are:

Nae Nae According to urban culture, it has been said that Nae Nae is a celebratory dance created and patented by the Atlantan quintet dance crew: WeAreToonz. The term is not to be mistaken for the word used to express

extreme disagreement (Nay!) or the tagalog counterpart of the expression used when looking for one’s mother in tagalog (Nay! Nay!). Vines When you save money, you usually limit your expenses, but when you are saving memory space, the best strategy is making a vine. A vine is

usually a microfilm (films that do not last more than 50 seconds). Rumor has it that the first vine ever produced was directed and produced by the Flash. Twerk It Like Miley Another one of the best songs to hit the charts today is the song ‘Twerk it Like Miley’ which tells the tale of Miley’s Tail and how it shakes sexily, although they could have suggested a better seductive model for the title to make it less gross. The term used to describe the movements elicited from hearing this music is called ‘twerking’ and not, as many believe, ‘epilepsy’.

Ariel In a totally related note, Ariel is now 7.50 pesos. Dubsmash Singing is indeed the best way to express the soulful feelings of people and now, a person can finally sing selected songs thanks to dubsmash! Dubsmash is an app which lets anyone dub the voices and sounds of their favourite songs and/or movie scene. Thanks to dubsmash people can finally walk and talk like the stars as it gives people a natural talent of impression and is the perfect excuse to look like a complete fool without falling in love.

LAMPOONEDITIONofTheRock,officialstudentpublicationofSANPEDROCOLLEGE

MERS-Cov OUT BREAK; A Deadly Hit

Cocker on Duty: Big Blue Cock Illustrated by: Thea Bianca Ellaine Pangolibay

ow does a ‘Middle-Eastern respiratory illness’ suddenly break out in the cold outskirts of Asia such as South Korea? Well, irony at its finest. On the side note, this virus outbreak went on par with Shinee’s new release on their album. Sadly, not on the music charts, but on dreadful medical news reports. No wonder BTS cancelled their fan meeting last June (they might be scared of this virus taking away their fans - for good). Next on its ‘hit’ list would be Philippines, starting of course with a case of MERS-Cov affecting a student with the nationality of ― you guess it ― Korean. This may be the start of a new outbreak, people. Wake up, pack up your duffle bags and...wait, wait ,WAIT JUST A SECOND! Why is this becoming a start of a clichéd biohazard apocalypse? NOPE, the virus hasn’t developed yet deadly ‘zombification’ strains. People are still eating healthily and are MERS-Cov free. Calm yourselves. Instead of worrying, we must be informed of this rare virus that hit both the coolest and hottest places of Asia. I’m just as curious as you are, dear reader. Considered as SARS baby brother. You know this killer virus, right? Middle Eastern Respiratory Syndrome Corona Virus or MERSCov for short has already been a rising star-killer. It has made itself known in more than 20 countries, having bowed down a number of a thousand (1,256 known cases) and roughly around four hundred or more travelled down River Styx (448 deaths). No wonder this virus was not yet well known during the ‘90’s. Just like the growing popularity of Korean boy and girl bands internationally, MERS-Cov sets its standards on the global perspective. More like the virus wants to leave its name on the ‘Oscar Nominee for Top 5 Best Pandemics of the World’ (never heard of this title yet…) Currently, MERS-Cov is having its gig on one of the tropical islands found in Asia, Philippines. Sadly, only two were present in there and the gig was cancelled earlier because of sanitary reasons. DOH-PH was one of the organizations who stopped the gig. Well, we haven’t had the chance to listen to its soundtrack album “Corona’s A Killer” featuring “Coughing”, “Fever”, “Asphyxia” and “Diarrhea” as its songs. The virus is still on the look-out for new gigs and are monitored by CDC and other health departments, whose sole reason is to prevent the virus imparting its songs to the people. To add, only animals and strong humid winds are considered to

be mode of transportations for them to be dispersed. That may be the reason behind its travel from SoKor to PHL. So much for having them here…Ughh!

Readers, in all honesty, this topic is a tad bit serious, and no matter how I sugar coat

i t w i t h puns and jokes, it still remains serious. (Jokes aside, I really don’t know what I’m writing about) I mean, come on, a rising virus outbreak may soon become a rising epidemic that may later on develop harmful strains which causes what we now call a clichéd zombie apocalypse. So the lesson learned here people is to stop playing those BTS songs wh…. uhhmm, to be informed of the recent health scare issues. If not, then you might be finding yourself listening to your favourite music while people are horrifyingly doing the things the zombies would naturally do. You wouldn’t want that, do you?

A U G U S T

Cocker-on-duty: Cock Drogo

Illustrated by: Thea Bianca Ellaine Pangolibay

ave you ever tried to turn on your TV and watch political campaigns? Are you tired of hearing the same promises from politicians? Does this introduction sound like an Ely Pamatong flyer? If you think it does, then congratulations, you are a politically active creature. Here are other political lines you hear from our beloved Philippine politicians. These lines are like the Thinking Out Loud of politics—it has an admirable message which promises a happy ending but has been constantly drilling your ears you’d want your eardrums plucked.

“Wala po akong tinatago.” When I was in high school my teacher told me that two positive words will never have a negative meaning. There are no better words to counter Politico line no. 1 with the exact words I replied to her—“Yeah, right”. Students who can relate to these words are either confronted by the guard for a violation or by the proctor for that little piece of “answered prayers” during an exam. So next time you’re thinking about using this, consider other alternative lines or, as for the latter’s case, alternative colleges.

“I’m ready to face my responsibilities as your next President.” You sure bro? You’d be giving up a lot of time for this group of lazy leeches. You’d become their leader, their savior, their Khaleesi. You watch NBA? You’d be their Kobe Bryant, gritting and grinding every game because basically no one else knows how to play.

“Ramdam ko kayo.” To those people who have classes on Saturdays, to those who have slow internet connection through the SPC Wi-Fi, to those who have 7:30 classes on the fifth floor of the SD building every day, to those who accidentally bought the 13-peso water on that blood-boiling vending machine, to those who have bigger sanctions than their monthly allowances, to those who have studied every night and answered each question carefully just to find out they failed to shade the set letter and finally, to those who believed in forever because their bH3bH3 said so, I feel you bruh. #whogoat #ShiftNaDis #WalangForever

“I lift everything to God now.” Remember last night? You promised to study after dinner and let your army in COC rest a bit, right? You promised to stay away from that “School Works” café for a week and lo! Here you are, staring bluntly at that sheet of gray paper wishing you can white-out all that text so you won’t have to answer any of it. You wish you can just write Jesus’s name on the answer sheet and watch your Prof Burn in hell when he decides to mark it wrong, because duh, Jesus is the answer for everything. You’re just like those crocs who’ve got a lot of issues thrown at them but are still hoping to get a seat in the government. You think He’s on your side, huh?

“It’s time to make a change.” Translation: Magstudy na ko next sem. Who are you kidding? You’ve been like this since you got that axe in Zoology and now you’re making that same promise again? You need a new motivation much like those people below the poverty line who’s been endlessly guaranteed of this “change”. Browsing for a new quote on Pinterest won’t help if you just set it as your phone’s wallpaper. Stand up, open that dusty book and study ‘til you get the change you need.

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