The (Not-So) Signpost. 04-01-2022

Friday | April 1, 2022 | Volume 95 | Issue 18

These are works of fiction. Any similarities to reality are purely coincidental and entirely unintentional.

3 | MyWeberMedia.com | January 8, 2002

Purple-Pickle Eater

Last week, we asked our online readers to anonymously submit questions and concerns to our new segment, Dear Signpost.

These are their questions and our responses.

“Dear Signpost, it seems like parking gets worse each year! What is going on?”

Dear Reader, you are correct! Each year, WSU has promised to eliminate at minimum TEN parking spots. Don’t worry; you’re not going crazy. The whole campus is!

“Dear Signpost, the girl I’m casually dating keeps bailing on me to hang out with a guy named Waldo. What do I do?”

Dear Reader, I would invest in some noise-canceling headphones and good running shoes.

“Dear Signpost, will the construction on campus ever end?”

Dear Reader, the construction projects on campus are planned and timed for maximum annoyance. I don’t think it will be ending anytime soon!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You have a unique outlook on life. This sign can most often be found at one of the several coffee spots on campus.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): You always find the positive in every situation. Look for this sign at a water bottle refill station.

MAKAYLA MARTINEZ | The Signpost

Dear Reader, if this is the Waldo I’m thinking about, you will live in his shadow for the rest of your life. Maybe try Tinder! Although, I have a feeling the new Wi-Fi on campus will not let you.

“Dear Signpost, every time I’m in Shepherd Union, it seems like I get bombarded with people approaching me wanting me to join their group or sign their petition! What do I do?”

Imagine going to sleep next to your significant other...just to find out they’re a gemini.

Aries (March 21 - April 20): You are the friend others depend on. Aries tend to be in the Student Services Building.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20): You are a strong leader. This sign is most often found mingling in Shepherd Union.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): You speak your mind freely. Geminis are usually spotted reading in the library.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): You crave alone time. Look for this sign studying in a comfy chair somewhere on campus.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 23): You seek knowledge wherever you go. Computer labs have a high population of this sign.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22): You have a short temper but a kind heart. The gym tends to have a high population of this sign.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21): You love to create. This sign can be found in the art building on campus.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): You are hard-headed but well-loved. Find this sign lurking around one of the food places on campus.

That is all for this week! We hope we answered some of your most hard-hitting questions. Until next time!

Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23): You are always looking for your next adventure. Virgos tend to circle the parking lots waiting for a spot.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23): You love a good laugh. Find this sign most often being chased by a campus goose.

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REBECCA GONZALES | The Signpost

By ADAM MONTOGMERY

MyWeberMedia.com | March 27, 1999 | 2

Stress ShamWow

Since the dawn of The Signpost, an ongoing debate in our newsroom has been that all foods should fit into one of four categories: sandwich, soup, salad and the recent addition of ravioli.

You’re probably asking yourself: How can this be? What about fruits? What about pizza?

We have come to the conclusion that these categories may be flawed, but many — if not most — foods can be classified as a sandwich, soup, salad or ravioli.

The arguments over this are intense and often keep us from focusing on producing the actual paper. Arguments have ensued recently about where to classify pizza. Thus far, we have determined that it should be its own category.

Some say that because it has multiple parts, it should be considered a salad. Others argued that it’s more similar to a ravioli.

“Umm, no. Pizza should never be considered a salad,” Justin Steed, assistant copy desk chief, said.

Ravioli must have some sort of filling on the inside and the edges must be sealed.

Thus, we still cannot determine if pizza fits here.

We have also determined that most of these foods are in a gluten pocket. Pop-Tarts, danishes, calzones, baked pies and burritos are some of the foods we have placed under the umbrella of ravioli.

The argument we have been debating now is if bananas are considered ravioli.

Would a Cheez-It be a ravioli, or would the bag of Cheez-Its be considered a salad?

Should we classify ingredients or the meal as a whole?

“Cheez-Its are sealed on all sides, so it has to be an air ravioli!” Jennifer Greenlee, editor-in-chief of The Signpost, said.

A new argument of “Can things be multiple categories?” has taken over since begin-

ning the construction of this story. only a soup and not a salad? be a salad? But there are types of sushi that Is a bowl of ravioli considered a salad?

Quoting the famous song by the Wiggles have a top and a bottom or just a top.

Now that we’ve got you thinking and con- about fruit salad, “Yummy, yummy,” Lissete If we are letting pancakes be a sandwich, fused about ravioli, let’s talk about foods that Landeverde, culture editor, said. shouldn’t we allow sushi the same privilege? fit in the sandwich category: non-baked pies, Salads aren’t always known as being the You as the reader, have to determine for Ritz Bitz/cracker sandwiches, hot dogs, ham- most tasty, but in this context, more delicious yourself if this argument fits in your reality burgers and baked potatoes. things count as salads, such as burrito bowls, or if you will write us off as crazy. What foods Tacos would also be considered a sand- rice, biscuits and gravy and stuffing. do you want to debate about? Hopefully you wich. Chew on that for a moment.

The argument stated earlier is if we should have found some new argument to annoy What about baked sandwiches or grilled? count bags or multiples of things as salads, your friends with.

Should we count them as ravioli? such as a bowl of veggies, French fries, beans, The edges of grilled cheeses or other hot bags of chips, etc. sandwiches are not sealed. Sandwiches “What about sushi?” Rebecca Gonzales, or foods in this category should have a top copy editor, said.

Comment on this story at and a bottom with something in the middle Sushi does have multiple parts, so would it signpost.mywebermedia.com — similar to a ravioli, but not quite special enough to earn the title of ravioli.

We classify pancakes as a sandwich, but unlike the other examples, they do not have a top and a bottom.

With toppings, pancakes could be considered an open face sandwich. No one argued that it should be a soup or a salad, and the parameters for a ravioli don’t really apply. So here, as a sandwich, it sits.

The topic of meat has sparked more controversy in the office, but most of us have come to the agreement that poultry or meat that has a skin on the outside would be a ravioli.

Other red meats would be a sandwich.

Foods that fit under umbrella of soup include cereal, smoothies, oatmeal, yogurt, salsa and all condiments. Soups can be cold or hot, despite what some in our office may say.

“All soups can be salads, but not all salads can be soups,” Alexandrea Bonilla, assistant news editor, argued.

For example, spaghetti is a salad and cannot be classified as a soup, but chicken noodle soup could be a salad and a soup.

Salads often have dressings, so we determined that anything that has a sort of sauce or dressing is a salad, which is why spaghetti fits here.

Pasta salads also count as salads and not soups because there are multiple parts, and it does not have a liquid base.

So, does that mean that chicken noodle is All foods can be classified as either soup, salad, sandwich or ravioli.

GRACE HAGLUND | The Signpost

By MARISA NELSON

5 | MyWeberMedia.com | July 26, 2023

EMILIE HART | The Signpost

EMILIE HART | The Signpost

EMILIE HART | The Signpost

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Imagine having to add “good at whistling” on your resume.

Imagine waking up for work every day and having to be a referee.

By ALEC CIPOLLINI Just Some Guy

Watching Weber State University’s men’s basketball games bring two things: great plays and controversial referee calls.

Being a referee in sports is a hard job. Constantly being in charge of some of the most important games in sports and making decisions can make or break a very close and contentious game, leading to criticism.

There will always be one team who is happy with the foul call and the other that is clearly in disgust, no matter which sport it is.

If a wrong call was made, people in the stands, coaches and players spew out their feelings and disgruntlement towards the referees in disapproval, and the words are not necessarily pleasant, to say the least.

Being heckled based on decisions, good or bad, is not easy, and this is their full-time job.

Imagine going into work one day and someone criticsized another employee every day — that would not be fun to watch or to deal with.

Referees, however, act as if the words are all talk, and they own their decisions, no matter how bad they are.

They discuss amongst themselves and keep calm as thousands of fans boo and complain about what they are doing.

Seeing basketball head coach Randy Rahe looking, yelling, throwing his arms in the air

and walking back and forth as he disagrees with calls on the sidelines tells spectators all they need to know when watching poor officiating.

It seemed like almost every Big Sky Conference game had a list of questionable calls going towards the direction of WSU as both fans, coaches and the Wildcats bench were all in absolute shock with some decisions.

The calls were especially jaw-dropping during the matchup against this year’s Big Sky Champions, Montana State, when Weber State lost 78–57 on Feb. 5.

Coming into this game, Montana State was No. 2, and Weber State was atop the Big Sky standings. This was one of the most important conference games in the past season.

It was blatantly obvious that in previous games in all sports, referees make mistakes and bad decisions that can negatively impact one team’s outcome or performance.

Eventual Big Sky Player of the Year Jubrile Belo was a physical force in the paint as he would post up against former Wildcat center Dontay Bassett and in one quick movement, something so tiny would result in the referees pulling out their whistles.

It seemed like every time the ball touched Belo and Bassett tried to guard Belo, something went off inside the minds of the referees that ticked a reaction and the screech of the whistle filled the arena.

Fans heckling behind the press box com-

Imagine waking up for work every day and getting dressed like a zebra.

plaining that the referees have been abysmal all season and that it seemed like they swallowed and choked on the whistle because it wouldn’t stop screeching.

Weber State played five games in 11 days before that matchup, so fatigue caught up with them.

Still, the referees didn’t give the Wildcats any favors and went to the replay review board to discuss as thousands of fans and Rahe yell at them to reverse the bad call, but are left empty-handed.

Vulgar language is usually the dialogue thrown at referees, and the fans in purple were no exception.

The Bobcats fans, however, were cheering and happy with the calls; some of them were even seen laughing their way because they knew how horrid the decisions were by the officials.

Sports bring a lot of twists and turns, but Weber State not only battling against their opponents on some nights, but battling with officials who make controversial calls that can change how the flow of the games go.

It is a reoccurring theme once every couple of games each season to see incorrect officiating, but it seems like it is inevitable even though referees are trying their best.

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A mysterious reflection was seen in the pond in Lindquist Plaza on the evening of March 25. The reflection appeared to be in the shape of a moose, yet no moose were seen.

Tom Ato, a student at Weber State, saw the reflection and claimed to also see a clear shadow.

“I thought I saw a large four-legged creature, but I could see straight through the shape. It must not have really been there.”

Several others on campus that evening reported seeing a shadowy figure in different places on campus. After hearing the mumblings of the supposed shadow, Fiddleford McGucket, assistant professor of supernatural studies, proposed a theory that it must be the ghost of Hank the moose. McGucket has 20 years of experience in the field of paranormal activity.

Hank, the ghost McGucket refers to, is the moose that was seen on Weber State’s Ogden campus in September 2021. Articles by The Signpost and other local media outlets reported the moose exploring the pond by Lindquist plaza, similar to the reflection that was seen on Friday. Hank, unfortunately, died the same day he arrived on campus after being hit by a car on Harrison Boulevard while trying to cross.

“Spirits often return to the area where they

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spent time or even the place where they died,” McGucket said. “Sometimes they do not realize they have died and continue their normal activities as if they were alive.”

On March 27, to address the growing public concern about the events, WSU brought in two professional ghost hunters, Jack Daniels and Robert De Niro, as well as local energy reader Juniper Tree. Daniels and De Niro brought their equipment to scan the area and a heat energy finder to locate the reflection in the pond, but no images were provided for publication.

The second device they used to locate the spirit resembled a cable dish.

“This radar uses echolocation. It was modeled after a bat’s echolocation. It produces a small high pitched sound, and if there is an energy or being within a 20 radius, the sound waves ricochet and return to the dish,” Daniels said.

Utilizing this technology, Daniels and De Niro were able to confirm the presence of a large animal spirit. As to what should be done, authorities then turned to Tree.

“The spirit’s energy is not coarse and it is not aggressive. If we do not bother it, it will not bother us,” Tree said.

At this time, WSU officials do not see Hank’s ghost as a threat and have chosen to let him roam the campus freely.

Find friends and amazing college experiences:

weber.edu/StudentAffairs/involved.html

If your loved one has been turned into a cactus, there is no need to worry. There is a cure, but people are still hesitant to use it.

By JACKSON REED

Cactus Cowboy

Due to a freak occurrence, a new gas-virus named Cactian Superfluous is spreading with great speed across America.

This is due to an unnamed individual from Florida who was reported to be eating Heinz Baked Beans mixed with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing, an old college sweatshirt and an assortment of other garbage found in a plant nursery, including cacti. This gourmet monstrosity of a creation was eaten, which created a deadly virus.

As a prominent scientist man, also known as Mr. Dr. Science Guy, stated, “This is ridiculous. I’ve never heard of that. I would never believe anything like that.”

It should be noted that, during the interview, Mr. Dr. Science Guy repeatedly kept hiding his hands, which definitely looked green and pointy.

I then proceeded to ask one man on the internet who wished to remain anonymous, but allowed me to disclose his username, Ladiesman425FedoraManLover. After every interview question, he responded, “M’lady,” and then proceeded to bow his head and tip his fedora. This was quite odd, as I identified

Botanists and most wiccans suggest getting a clay pot and some healthy soil and putting your loved one in a window with lots of sunlight.

myself as a man to him at the beginning of the interview.

“This is not a virus; it is a deadly gas. Not deadly in the sense of killing you; it just so happens that it turns people into cactuses,” Ladiesman425FedoraManLover said.

There is still some debate as to what this exactly means, as the symptoms have been reported to range quite extensively. Some people appear to be quite affected by this gas-virus, turning into literal cacti. The types of cacti that people turn into range extensively.

Purportedly, when someone is turned into a cactus, their clothes remain and a single cactus is left inside of the pile of cloth. Many people have questioned whether once a person is turned if they have a pot underneath them. They do not. They are just a naked cactus without dirt.

If your loved one has been turned into a cactus, botanists and most Wiccans suggest getting a clay pot and some healthy soil and putting your loved one in a window with lots of sunlight.

A student who once took a botany class but is now a finance major but is thinking about switching degrees again said, “I don’t know what major I’m going to pick, honestly. Oh yeah, with plants, talk to them, play their fa-

GRACE HAGLUND | The Signpost

GRACE HAGLUND | The Signpost

GRACE HAGLUND | The Signpost

9 | MyWeberMedia.com | June 7, 1996

Cactian Superfluous is spreading with great speed across America.

vorite music and stuff, they seem to like that,” he said. (I never asked him if he went to Weber State. Should I have done that?)

Others are not as affected by this gas-virus.

Some are reported to still maintain a humanoid form and only have the skin of a cactus.

They end up looking like a green cactus monster with a green exterior. Yikes.

One online user named ImDefinitelyNotAHorse23 suggested injecting yourself with horse antiparasitic as a preventative measure. This solution has not been recommended by anyone else.

There has been some controversy surrounding a woman whose boyfriend was turned into a cactus.

She brought him to the desert on a picnic and “accidentally dropped him,” she reported. “I couldn’t find him, though I didn’t really look that hard.”

This event is stirring up quite a bit of controversy in online forums (that definitely exist — you just didn’t look hard enough). Some people say she didn’t lose him, and she did it on purpose. The hashtag #girlboss is currently trending with photos of cacti being crossed out.

If your loved one has been turned into a cactus, there is no need to worry. There is a cure, but people are still hesitant to use it.

The biggest hesitation are the following questions regarding the ethics of the cure, like, if we put this cure on non-human cactuses, will that make them human and give them life? Does this answer the question of if plants have souls? If plants have souls, are vegetarians bad people for eating something with some semblance of sentience? What will we eat if everything has a soul? Do rocks have souls? Is panpsychism actually a thing now?

Most importantly, and hypothetically speaking, of course, if I ate a cactus, and it was once my loved one, is that considered cannibalism? It wouldn’t be practical; I’m just curious.

If you or a loved one has been turned into a cactus, please let us know.

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MyWeberMedia.com | June 7, 1997 | 8

By SIMON MORTENSEN

Weber State Quidditch tryouts will be held on April 31 at 3 a.m.

STAR NEIL | The Signpost

Freshmen to fifth-year seniors are all familiar with the locker room before the game. The squad huddles together, with each teammate shouting words of encouragement. Confident, and maybe even cocky, the squad grabs their gear and runs to the field, still yelling loudly, until only one member of the team remains.

Every teammate can describe the way he sits in the locker room alone. His elbows rested upon his knees with his hands clenched together. Bowing his head, it’s clear he’s getting into the zone. The moment lasts only a minute before he joins his squad, ready for competition. Perhaps that brief meditation is what separates him from every other player in the Big Sky Conference.

Weber State University’s quidditch team has been the standard of excellence in the sport since Waldo Wildcat became captain just three years ago. Dominating in the NCAA, Waldo is showing the rest of the world that American quidditch is just as competitive as in the United Kingdom.

“I started riding my broom at the age of six,” Waldo said. “It wasn’t till my parents took me to the Quidditch world cup that I fell in love with the sport.”

According to experts, Waldo’s speed and small turn radius are unheard of. In a test, Waldo was able to reach speeds of 55 mph before he made a full-180 turn without moving the center of his broomstick.

“As a seeker, I don’t have time to slow down and take big turns,” Waldo said. “The snitch is completely unpredictable, and it’s impossible to develop a game plan in catching it. Overthink your movements and you’ll lose every time.”

Like hall of fame basketball player Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game and Cincinnati Reds legend Pete Rose’s 4,256 career hits, Waldo has set records that seem unbreakable.

Over the course of his 100 matches at Weber State, Waldo has ended the game 82 times by catching the golden snitch.

“I can’t end my career at Weber State with a stat like that,” Waldo said. “82% is a B-, and

I’m shooting for an A. With how fast I plan on catching the snitch this season, it might not even be worth it for other squads to suit up.”

Although Waldo has led his team to dominance every year of his reign as captain, the Big Sky has its share of tough competitors.

“You have to physically and mentally prepare yourself for any time you face Victor E. Viking,” Waldo said. “Victor is one of the hardest-hitting beaters the sport has ever seen, and there’s a lot of players on injury reserve who’ll tell you that’s an understatement.”

Montana State’s Champ the Bobcat has also proven to be one of the best chasers in the conference. Champ averaged nearly 20 points a game last season, outscoring the rest of his team in nearly every game.

“I’m always excited for in-conference play,” Waldo said. “Playing against rivals gets the team excited and it gets me excited too.

There’s nothing quite like hoisting the Big Sky trophy above your head.”

As one of the sport’s most successful athletes, many have wondered what separates Waldo from his competitors. His athletic ability is obviously unrivaled, but it’s his mentality that makes him the tenacious player he is.

“I take a lot of motivation from former Gryffindor player Oliver Wood,” Waldo said.

“When I’m suffering from injuries or when the weather’s bad, I constantly recite that quote: ‘You can’t cancel quidditch.’”

Waldo will suit up with Weber State in the fall. Tryouts will be held April 31 at 3 a.m.

STAR NEIL | The Signpost

Sporps Man

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Dominating in the NCAA, Waldo is showing the rest of the world that American quidditch is just as competitive as British.

11 | MyWeberMedia.com | July 25, 2000

Editor-In-Cheese

After nearly three decades of work, three scientists in Tracy Hall celebrated the success of a passion project that began in the back of a movie theater.

“Everyone kept telling us it couldn’t be done,” Ian Malcolm, chaos-theorist and lead mathematician, said. “They told us it was fiction, and it would always remain fiction; we proved them all wrong today.”

The project started in Uptown Theater in Washington D.C. on June 9, 1993, where “Jurassic Park” premiered for the first time.

The three scientists, Malcolm, paleontologist Alan Grant and paleobotanist Ellie Sattler, had met earlier at the annual Society of Vertebrate Paleontology conference at the Smithsonian where they were presenting their respective research.

From there, a conversation sparked between the three of them regarding the 1990 Michael Crichton novel, also named “Jurassic Park,” and the rest is ancient history — metaphorically.

“I had never met anyone who believed we could bring the science to science fiction like Ellie and Ian,” Grant said. “Most people looked at Crichton as if he had laid out the plans to National Treasure’s fictional city of gold, but we looked at it as if he had written the atlas to the very foundations of the world.”

After the conference concluded, the three

realized they all had plans to attend the premiere of the newest science fiction film on the block, Spielberg’s adaptation of their private scientific fascinations. They walked into the premiere as scientists and walked out with plans to become scientific pioneers.

“I thought this little group would last a few months as we volleyed ideas back and forth,” Sattler said. “Then, like most great conference friends, it would fizzle out to the occasional courtesy call and research presentation attendance when we were in the neighborhood. Instead, we exchanged major papers, long landline calls — I’m sure racking up quite the phone bill, if it looked anything like mine — and infinite ideas.”

“Everyone kept telling us it couldn’t be done. They told us it was fiction, and it would always remain fiction; we proved them all wrong today.”

IAN MALCOLM Chaos-Theorist and Lead Mathematician

By 2000, the three had started to break down the process of what needed to be done to replicate the process of bringing dinosaurs to life like they had been on the silver screen.

While the process Crichton used in his novel and adapted for film got them started, it wasn’t nearly detailed enough to replicate in real life.

The fictional process had many problems when applying it in the real world. The first problem arose in the amount of DNA extractable from these sources, which is nowhere near enough to sequence the full genome of a dinosaur.

To clone a dinosaur, a complete set of a dinosaur’s genome is necessary, and the trio theorized the Crichton was right — at least some of the DNA could be extracted by tapping into blood-sucking bugs trapped in amber, but it was unlikely that a fossil could be used to do the same.

Even after being lucky enough to be funded by a generous benefactor to get as many amber-encased bugs as possible, most of the bugs did not have nearly enough DNA in them to create a dinosaur. Luckily for the trio, a new test, called the polymerase chain reaction, was developed in 1983 and continued to become widely used after two biochemists were awarded the Nobel Prize for the breakthrough in 1993.

The PCR test allows scientists to copy a single and specific DNA sample rapidly. Grant, Sattler and Malcolm were able to use this method to exponentially amplify their limited samples to study the order of DNA subunits.

A number of issues arose in trying to communicate these results across the country, so the three decided to relocate to Weber State University in early 2002 after the institution received a large grant from the same generous donor, John Hammond, who was also funding the trio’s research into recreating the

largest animals known to man.

Even with this newly-discovered technology that was rapidly becoming indispensable throughout the medical sciences, it took major computing power to reassemble the DNA into the correct order. Even with those hurdles tackled, they were still left with their biggest hurdle.

“The biggest problem came from the gaps that time left in the genetic material,” Grant said. “It’s impossible that something as old as a micropachycephalosaurus would have its entire genome survive both the fossilization process and the deterioration of time.”

This is where Crichton had once again led them to look down the right path. The scientific developments toward finding a dinosaur’s closest living relative would lead Weber State’s fossil-fascinated scientists to the crocodile. A University of California Santa Cruz team of scientists pieced together the shared ancestor that crocodiles, birds and dinosaurs shared, the group of which they would name “archosaurs.”

Knowing this, Sattler, Grant and Malcom theorized that by using the crocodile DNA to fill in the gaps of the dinosaur DNA, they would be able to create a fully-cloneable DNA strand that would be as close to the dinosaurs that walked the Earth 240 million years ago as possible.

This gave Grant the idea to synthesize the full string of DNA using a method of replication called oligonucleotide synthesis, which Malcolm was able to help modify. After over a decade of work, the Grant and Malcolm

they are,” Malcolm said. “At full maturity, a velociraptor is only going to be three to four feet long.”

“It’s amazing, it’s revolutionary, it’s beautiful and it’s beyond the most dangerous thing that’s ever been done...I believe we will all live to regret seeing science pushed to the limits of fiction.”

OWEN GRADY Animal Behaviorist

The first raptor, named Blue by the team, is about six months old. The team reports she is thriving, and Hammond has purchased a small enclosure outside of Logan, Utah, to allow her the freedom to room once she reaches full maturity.

“We might have finally been successful with one dinosaur, but this is by no means the end of the journey,” Grant said. “We saw the flaws in monetizing these creatures, but we need to find out how much further we can

go, how much further we should go. These beautiful creatures can be studied and used for incredible things, and we plan to do it.”

Despite the incredible discovery, not everyone is encouraged to see fiction become reality. Owen Grady, renowned animal behaviorist, is unsettled at this recent development.

“These are animals, and nature doesn’t like to be trifled with,” Grady said. “It’s one thing to bring back animals that humans are responsible for murdering into extinction, but we have never coexisted with them, and there is a reason for that.”

Grady was brought in during the late stages of embryonic development, but ultimately, he parted with the group over ethical disagreements.

“It’s amazing, it’s revolutionary, it’s beautiful and it’s beyond the most dangerous thing that’s ever been done,” he said. “I want to believe that this isn’t going to be humanity’s greatest scientific disaster, but I am not an optimist. I believe we will all live to regret seeing science pushed to the limits of fiction.”

Despite Grady’s pessimism, the trio will be welcoming several renowned scientists into their lab over the next months. The breakthrough has also brought much attention

to Weber State’s doors. A four-year college mostly known for its teaching and nursing programs is suddenly home to the greatest scientific discovery of the last century, rivaled only by antibiotics.

“The university has been amazing to us,” Malcolm said. “They took a huge chance on us, and I’m glad they will reap some of the rewards of seeing this research to completion.”

Weber State will hold a press conference later this week discussing the project and a new grant that has been rumored to be available for certain students interested in getting involved with the new studies.

Comment on this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com CAMRYN JOHNSON | The Signpost

By JENNIFER GREENLEE

oligonucleotide synthesis process was born.

This process allows for the creation of an entire chromosome, which to this point was impossible.

This process revolutionized the field of bioengineering, and the gene-editing technology known as CRISPR has even begun utilizing it in research to cure type 1 diabetes.

The pair are the favorites for a Nobel Prize in 2023 for creating this new process.

At this point, these full chromosomes were bound to various proteins to become functional before being injected into several membranes that would make up the cell’s nucleus.

Once these chromosomes are created, the process can finally begin to create a fully functional dinosaur. The movie got it wrong here — implanting it in an egg wasn’t logical.

“We had no idea how large dinosaur embryos might get,” Sattler said. “It might be logical to use unfertilized crocodile eggs to help the growth of the dinosaur in the future, but for now, growing them in a synthetic environment is the best we can do.”

It took 5,464 attempts before a fertilized dinosaur grew to a viable maturity, but Tracy Hall is now home to the first velociraptor.

“The movies depict them much larger than

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Dinosaur sketches courtesy of Dr. Grant and freevector.com.

Meme Queen

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NEWSPAPER

The newspaper is often a source of great wisdom.

EMILIE HART| The Signpost

By REBECCA GONZALES

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EMILIE HART| The Signpost

13 | MyWeberMedia.com | December 1, 1999

Translate this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com Invisible ink is a way to hide a secret message.

A mother goose not affected by the growth chemical incident lays on her nest full of eggs.

By KENNEDY ROBINS Big Bird Energy

Reports of sightings of abnormally large ducks and geese on Weber State University’s Ogden campus have been made to the university’s campus police.

The abnormally-sized ducks and geese are reported to be around five times the size of regular ducks and geese. According to the campus police, the birds have been exposed to a growth chemical made by the school’s students and staff in the Tracy Hall Science Center.

“The growth chemical was a work-in-progress being developed to help plants grow faster and stronger,” Amy Reigns, a science department adviser at Weber State, said.

“The chemical somehow got into the pond

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

MyWeberMedia.com | November 19, 2004 | 12

Before the growth chemical incident occured, the ducks and geese were normal-sized.

on campus and affected the wildlife in a way we did not expect.”

Campus police are currently working with local wildlife authorities to capture the animals and are attempting to bring them back to their normal size in another science center in the area, according to Weber State University police.

Capturing the ducks and geese has shown to be a chaotic experience for everyone involved. The local wildlife authorities helping to round up the birds have had to use traps meant for bears and other large animals, while the campus police have been trying to chase the birds into the traps or use bait to catch them.

“Capturing the birds is not as easy as it seems,” Jeremy Shafter, a campus police officer helping with the situation, said. “When you’re being chased by a giant mother goose

trying to protect its nest, you get more than a little scared.”

While the birds are roaming Weber State grounds, students are expected to continue attending their classes on campus with caution, according to Reigns. Some of the students being asked by their professors to continue to attend classes have decided to skip class or protest for their safety.

“There’s no way it’s safe to walk across school grounds at this time,” Stephanie Trainer, a junior at Weber State University, said while attending a protest in favor of temporary school closure in the Shepherd Union building. “My classes are all held in the library. Many of the bigger geese like to hang around outside the building and honk at you when you pass by, and that can be scary.”

The local wildlife authorities have stated that they successfully captured three of the

ducks and two of the geese. According to Tiffany Samson, a student who worked on the growth chemical, there is a chance the baby geese and ducks about to hatch will also be bigger than expected.

The eggs already laid by the bigger birds will be taken to the same local science center as their parents to be examined, according to Samson.

Currently there is no knowledge of the exceeding growth of the animals being connected to the dinosaur incidents also happening on campus, according to Shafter.

Comment on this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com

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MyWeberMedia.com | April 1, 3000 | 14

Unknown

By ADDISON WEEKS Solecito

edificios importantes en Ogden, como los árboles nuevos e invertidos en el Union Station.

Visitantes de todo el estado hablaron sobre los nuevos árboles en Union Station.

“Pienso que tiene un encanto de una forma, ¿yo creo?” dijo Marty Clifton, residente de la ciudad de Ogden.

Hubo más declaraciones de confusión sobre el diseño nuevo. “¿De verdad? ¿Lo van a hacer otra vez? Lo que sirve para ti, entonces”, dijo Harry Millford, curador del museo de Union Station..

El proyecto no ha sido recibido muy bien por todos en Weber. Un grupo llamado los Anti-Invert-inators ya han empezado sus protestas en campus.

“Pues, es una idea tonta. ¿Por qué invertirán las plantas? Morirían”, Sarah Lincoln,

una estudiante de segundo año en WSU y líder del grupo Anti-Invert-inator, dijo.

“Además, Jane Doe, la directora ejecutiva de Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company, parece indigna de confianza. Digo, ¿qué pasa con su traje de científica que se lleva vestido por todo lado?”.

Según Doe, el traje de científica que tiene puesta al diario es una declaración de la moda.

A pesar de los esfuerzos del grupo de Lincoln, la organización del proyecto continuó con pruebas comenzando el 1 de abril, y el Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company empezarán su trabajo en el 31 de abril.

“Seguramente será mi- bueno, nuestro mejor trabajo,” dijo Doe. “Confíe en el proceso”.

Comment on this story at

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

Un proyecto nuevo fascinante de paisajismo está comenzando en Weber State University. El Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company llevará a cabo ese proyecto en abril.

Jane Doe, el CEO de TRNFLC, describió el proyecto como “Una inversión de lo que esperamos de Weber”.

La palabra clave es inversión, porque literalmente, todos los árboles, arbustos, matorrales y otras formas de plantas en el campus se invertirá al revés.

Hablando más sobre esto, Doe explicó

la manera en que la nueva tecnología de paisajismo, denominado el Invert-inator, enfoca los átomos de objetos y cambian su ubicación en el mundo. Cuando enfoquen las plantas, tendrán una reubicación de átomos hasta que se encuentran al revés. Hojas y ramas se encuentran dentro de la tierra, y raíces serán expuestas para que todos lo vean y lo admiren.

Investigando más sobre la historia de TRNFLC, no tienen sitio web y son imposibles de rastrear. Doe solamente aceptó una entrevista después de pedirlo por correo física. Ella dijo que su trabajo está en todos partes del mundo.

“La torre Eiffel antes estaba balanceada precariamente hasta que nos metimos a invertirlo, sabes,” dijo Doe. TRNFLC ya ha invertido el paisaje de otros

Weber State wildcat statue outside of the Shepherd Union building.

signpost.mywebermedia.com

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

By COBY CRISLER

The WSU rock outside of Lampros Hall.

Unknown

An exciting new landscaping project is just beginning at Weber State University. The Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company will carry out the project in late April.

Jane Doe, the CEO of TRNFLC, described the project as “An inversion of what we have come to expect from Weber.”

The keyword is inversion, as quite literally, all trees, shrubs, bushes and other forms of plant life on campus will be turned upside down. That also includes the grass.

Speaking further on the venture, Doe explained how new innovative landscaping technology, dubbed the Invert-inator, targets the atoms of objects and shifts their placement in the world. When pointed at the various greenery, they will have their atoms rearranged until they find themselves upside down. Leaves and branches will be found in the ground and roots will be exposed for all to see and admire.

Looking into the history of the TRNFLC, they have no website and are untraceable. Doe only agreed to an interview after asking for one directly via physical mail. She states her work is all over the world.

“The Eiffel Tower used to balance precariously until we stepped in to invert it, you know,” Doe said.

TRNFLC has already inverted the landscape of other major buildings within Ogden, such as the new and inverted trees found at Union Station.

Visitors from all over the state spoke about

A piece of land located in the lake at Ogden campus.

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

By COBY CRISLER

the new trees at Union Station.

“I think it has its charm in a way, I think?”

Marty Clifton, Ogden City resident, said.

More statements of confusion were given regarding the new design.

“Really? They’re going to do it again? Whatever works for you, then,” Harry Millford, Union Station museum curator, said.

The project has not been received well by everyone at Weber. A group calling themselves the Anti-Invert-inators have already started protesting on campus.

“I mean, it’s just a stupid idea. Why would you invert the plants? They’d die,” Sarah Lincoln, a sophomore at WSU and leader of the Anti-Invert-inator group, said. “Besides, Jane Doe, the CEO of Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company, just looks untrustworthy. I mean, what’s with the scientist outfit she wears everywhere?”

According to Doe, the scientist apparel she is seen wearing daily is a fashion statement.

Despite efforts from Lincoln’s group, the setup for the project will continue with testing beginning on April 1, and the Totally Real and Not Fake Landscaping Company starting work on April 31.

“It will certainly be my — I mean, our — best work yet,” Doe said. “Just trust in the process.”

KENNEDY ROBINS | The Signpost

17 | MyWeberMedia.com | April 32, 2034

Comment on this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com

The Louis Frederick Moench statue at the Ogden WSU campus.

19 | MyWeberMedia.com | January 01, 2022

To Bean Or Not To Bean

Beansball, the game that’s been sweeping the galaxy, has finally made its way not only to Earth-one, but to our own Biggest Sky conference.

Beansball, for the uninitiated, is a game not too dissimilar from the ancient American pastime of “baseball,” a game widely believed by modern historians to be uninspiring — records indicate it was boring enough that the now-defunct “Big Sky Conference” wouldn’t sponsor it even when it was popular.

“It was really dumb,” Weber State history professor Derek Jeter IL said. “My 48th great grandfather loved it, apparently, but I can’t seem to see what the hullabaloo was about.”

Beansball consists of two teams of seven hitting a thrown ball with a rod before running around in a diamond shape. The diamond has four bases at its corners, and when you touch all four bases, you score a point, or a “run.”

Three defenders in the outer parts of the field, two defenders on the inner part, a pitcher and a catcher make up the seven players.

The field resembles a pinball table, with small holes and divots awarding points and triggering events when filled.

The “multiball” is a fan favorite, where machines pop out of the ground and rapidly fire a barrage of balls towards the batter. For every ball that’s hit in this storm, the batter’s team is awarded one bean, which is then used for nutrition and sustenance.

The Weber Webcats are happy to introduce their beansball team, made up of the finest players from both Utah and the interdimen-

sional transfer portal.

COVID-29 eligibility rules have enabled seniors to take their sixth year of NCAAAA eligibility, so Super Seniors from across the Milky way are finding rosters where they can make an instant impact.

In the new Biggest Sky conference Beansball league, there will be plenty of opportunity to provide star impact and fight for the inaugural title.

First, we have Blame Dillards. Dillards is penciled in to be the star pitcher for the Webcats and also provides enormous value as a hitter. Dillards in his senior year at the University of Old Mars Mexico and won Little Red Rock Conference player of the year, allowing only ϖ runs per game and his hitting producing 6! (or 720) beans collected.

Catching for Dillard is the elusive John Cena robot. Cena’s value is as hard to estimate as he is to see, with his invisibility making it very difficult to tell if he’s even at the games. This wouldn’t be an issue if not for Utah S.B. 1098 forbidding robots from speaking. Cena will hopefully be playing for the Webcats every game.

In the outfield, the Webcats’ defense will be anchored by the Rabbit triplets, Peter, Bugs and Roger. Despite their namesake, the biggest flaw in their game stems from their lack of mobility, but they make up for it with their massive wingspans.

The namesake isn’t just a misnomer, though; if you’re keen-eyed enough, you might catch Bugs chewing on a signature carrot and mumbling in a 1940s Brooklyn accent. The Rabbits transferred to Weber State to escape persecution from the government in the 0.15625-acre wood that they previously called home.

At third base, three Utah natives look to

make a big impact for WSU. Joe Smith played catcher for Saratoga Sky School, but made most of his impact with the rod in his hands.

Smith comes as a package deal with his very attached, opinionated parents. While the catcher position is filled, Smith impressed enough in the infield to find his way onto the roster. Smith will start at third base, much to his parents’ chagrin.

“We know what’s best for him,” Mrs. Smith said. “I don’t want him at first base, let alone third.”

The shortstop position between second and third base has been a point of contention among coaches at Weber and remains

unfilled only weeks before opening day. The issue is that no one trying out is short enough or knows how to stop.

“Am I asking too much?” WSU beansball coach Billy Base said. “All I want is someone who knows how to play a brand new sport, is under four feet tall and knows how to stop quickly.”

The Webcats open their season at home Blarch 14 at Undersea Sacramento State.

Comment on this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com GRACE HAGLUND | The Signpost

By CAYDEN TREASURE

Beansball traces its roots back to “baseball,” an ancient American sport.

SUMMER MUSTER | The Signpost

MyWeberMedia.com | December 17, 2021 | 18

Professional Poetic Penmaker

Spider-Man is coming home to Weber State University in a surprise announcement

by Marvel Studios. Following the booming box office success of “Spider-Man: No Way Home,” Marvel Studios has announced it will not only film one Spider-Man film on campus, but an entire trilogy.

The trilogy will star Tom Holland, as well as Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield.

“With Spider-Man going in new exciting directions in this new trilogy of Spider-films, Weber State University is the ideal location to set Peter Parker’s college journey,” Kevin Feige, Marvel Studios president, said. “The campus had a feeling that we are hoping to capture as Peter explores new territory in these films.”

This is unprecedented for WSU, as it never been home to a blockbuster film, let alone a blockbuster trilogy such as the Spider-Man movies.

The film trilogy will follow Holland on a new journey that will see his character enter Empire State University as he encounters the new version of the Lizard, which will be the same character seen in Garfield’s “The Amazing Spider-Man” franchise.

Spider-Man will have to call on his old spider-friends again with the help of Doctor Strange to fight this new foe, among many others.

“I am really excited to come to the Weber State campus,” Holland said. “It is unlike any

filming location I have ever seen. The people are really great. I’m usually prone to giving away spoilers. But this is one spoiler I’m happy to give away.”

The filming for this first new film, entitled “Spider-Man: Home Away From Home,” will commence principal photography on Oct. 6, 2022, and will finish on Jan. 10, 2023.

Principal photography for the second film in this trilogy, “Spider-Man: No Place Like Home,” will commence on July 7, 2023 and complete filming Sept. 11, 2023. The final film, “Spider-Man: Welcome Home,” will begin principal photography on November 5, 2023 and finish filming on January 7, 2024.

As these production dates conflict with the semesters for students, arrangements will be made from instructors to students to navigate class schedules. Most classes will be virtual and online while filming occurs on campus.

In an effort to celebrate this momentous occasion, professors are being encouraged to implement Spider-Man into the course curriculum in any way possible, such as implementing Spider-Man graphic novels into their required English course readings and studying arachnids and lizards in science courses.

“It’s going to be a hard thing, navigating the new kinds of traffic this offers for our students,” Jacob Batalon, an English professor on campus, said. “But this is an exciting opportunity for everyone in the community to witness. I also am excited to implement Spider-Man books in my English classes.”

With this new community opportunity,

students will be invited to take part in the filming by participating as extras and production assistants. Those students seeking to take part in those avenues should e-mail or contact the office of the president, as it will count as elective credit for any respective major.

“We are excited for our students to climb the path to graduation in a swift way through this exciting opportunity,” Brad Mortensen, WSU president, said. “Spider-Man’s mantra is ‘With great power comes great responsibility,’ and we can’t think of a better way for Weber students to exemplify that.”

Comment on this story at signpost.mywebermedia.com SUMMER MUSTER | The Signpost

By TIM COSTELLO

MAKAYLA MARTINEZ | The Signpost

Tom Holland and Zendaya run across the Miller Admin Building.

Spiderman pops off hunty queen slay with eight legs.