Parade 06-23 by The Southern Illinoisan

THE SCIENCE of SIBLINGS

S U N DAY, J U N E 2 3 , 2 0 1 3 | PA R A D E .C O M

OH, BROTHER ! Love ’em or hate ’em, it turns out your sisters and brothers have a profound influence on the person you become

How might Maggie, Bart, and Lisa Simpson get along as adults? See page 8.

PARADE

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Susan Lucci

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Q: Does Susan Lucci think it’s ironic that she’s been married to the same man for decades when the characters she’s portrayed are so unlucky in love? —Heather M., Reno A: “I honestly didn’t think I’d want to get married,” says the actress, 66. “I grew up watching comedians on The Ed Sullivan Show bad-mouth their wives and thought, ‘Wow, I guess [being a wife] isn’t so great.’ Helmut [Huber, Lucci’s husband of 43 years] had to convince me. He’s fantastic. I got very, very lucky.” After 41 years as All My Children’s much-married Erica Kane, Lucci is now playing Genevieve Delatour (with six divorces under her belt) on Lifetime’s Devious Maids (premiering tonight). “She’s very romantic,” Lucci says.

Dean Norris

Q: Dean Norris’s character on Under the Dome seems to be the opposite of his good-guy DEA agent, Hank

WALTER SCOTT ASKS…

SASHA ALEXANDER

The actress, 40, plays medical examiner Maura Isles on the TNT series, which returns June 25.

What’s the best thing about your of Rizzoli & Isles role? I love that Angie [Harmon, who plays Jane Rizzoli] and I represent a relationship between women that is rare in TV. We’re not catty or competitive at all, and I think a lot of people can relate. Are you friends off the set? Absolutely. It’s funny, our fans always want to know if we hang out. I’m like, “No, I see her at work all day!” [laughs] We share the same interests: cooking, interior design, and our children. ren. Was it tough getting used to the gory nature of Maura’s aura’s job? There are days when the effects are so realistic stic and gruesome. I could never do what she does. Your mother-in-law is Sophia Loren. Were you nervous when you met her? Yes! But she gave me a big hug, and I just saw the beauty of the woman n underneath. She’s stunning in every way.

Schrader, on Breaking Bad. Did he enjoy the change? —Ruth B., Middlebury, Conn. A: “Yeah, it’s more fun to play the bad guy,” says Norris, 51, about his role as devious politician “Big Jim” Rennie on CBS’s Under the Dome (premiering tomorrow). “I love Hank, but for six years I’ve been playing someone that’s trying to do the right thing. So it’s fun to be Big Jim. He’s like a reptile. It’s a delicious part.” Norris adds that fans of AMC’s Breaking Bad have plenty to look forward to in the ﬁnal eight episodes of the series, which returns Aug. 11. “They’re some of the best of the entire series. It’s a great way to end an iconic show.” Q: Will Juanes ever release an album in English? —Roger M., Dallas A: The 40-year-old Colombian rock superstar, who has sold more than 15 million albums worldwide, won’t commit to a full disc in English just yet, but he’s not ruling it out, either. “I’m going to record a couple of tracks and experiment,” he says. “If it feels honest and natural, then we’ll put it on the Can’t record.” Can’ nt wait to hear

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Lidia Bastianich

Q: What is Lidia Bastianich’s favorite all-American food? —Tom R., Anchorage A: After a busy day, the Italian chef, 66, likes to sit down with a favorite comfort food: peanut butter and jelly on crackers. “I love to pop those little sandwiches in my mouth,” says Bastianich, who travels the country to explore our culinary traditions on her PBS special Lidia Celebrates America: Freedom & Independence, airing June 28. “I’d never had peanut butter or grape jelly until I came to the U.S. [in 1958, at the age of 12],” she adds. “Those ﬂavors were completely unique to me.” So does she favor crunchy or creamy? “Crunchy and natural all the way!”

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18 in America Dylan Dethier sets out to tee it up in each of the lower 48 states in this winning memoir, which transcends golf’s elitist image, exposing the generous, diverse, and contradictory soul of the game—and of America itself.

Bootstrapper You’ll fall in love with Mardi Jo Link’s family in this irreverent and heartwarming memoir depicting her heroic ﬁght to hold on to her northern Michigan farm and the simple way of life she wants to preserve for her three young sons.

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What’s Lurking in Your DNA?

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Last month, Angelina Jolie revealed she’d had a mastectomy after testing positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which is associated with a high risk of breast and ovarian cancers. The genetic test she underwent is one of more than 1,600 that can predict or diagnose over 3,000 conditions. But not all are useful or accurate, and many are difﬁcult to interpret. Some basics:

What about screening kids? Doctors shy away from testing minors for diseases that don’t manifest until decades later. Apart from newborn screens (routine blood work done at birth to check for diseases including sickle cell disease and cystic ﬁbrosis), children usually get tests only if they’re having unexplainable symptoms.

How does it work? Who should think Ask your doctor The new face of genetic testing for a referral to about testing? Consider cancer screening a genetic counselor, who will tests if you have “multiple go over your family history to family members who’ve had determine which tests, if any, cancer, especially under the are most appropriate. The counage of 50,” says Rebecca Nagy, selor will also help you make president-elect of the National sense of the results. Usually Society of Genetic Counselors. both counseling and tests are Likewise, she says, “people with covered by insurance. a family history of early-onset heart attacks or sudden death Are at-home genetic testing in youth” might consider tests kits a good option? to identify genetic markers of A handful of these kits are sold heart disease. But because online and in drugstores, but these complex diseases have a it’s best to order tests through range of causes, “we may never doctors or genetic counselors. be able to make predictions with Some kits aren’t FDA-reviewed, 100 percent certainty,” warns so the results may not be reliable Jeff Murray, M.D., a clinical or accurate, and “it’s hard for geneticist at the University of individuals to interpret the results Iowa and president of the Ameriin a useful way,” Murray says. can Society of Human Genetics. —Melinda Wenner Moyer

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We read of the powerful and destructive explosions of meteors, such as the one that blew up over Russia in February. What triggers the blast? The impact comes after the explosion and causes its own damage. —John McAlister, Charlotte, N.C.

The Ural Mountains meteor (most likely from the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter) entered the atmosphere at a speed of 40,000 mph, causing it to break apart violently. This vaporization generated a shock wave of energy equivalent to a major explosion, which propagated through the air and struck the city of Chelyabinsk 12 to 15 miles below. Meteorites (fragments that survived the trip) are said to have been found, but they caused relatively little additional damage.

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For this story, Matt Groening ﬂashed forward to give us a peek at the Simpson siblings as grown-ups. But what can Maggie, Bart, and Lisa tell us about family dynamics? Find out what the experts say at parade .com/siblings

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the of

SCIENCE

By FRANCINE RUSSO

SIBLINGS How your brothers and sisters shape your life— long after you’ve

stopped sharing a room

GROWING UP IN NORTH MIAMI BEACH, Tobi Cohen Kosanke, now 48, adored her brother Keith. Seven years older, he was a “laid-back surfer dude,” while she was a “chubby, nerdy” little girl. Tobi knew she could never live up to Keith’s cool persona, so while he was quitting school, experimenting with drugs, and focusing on riding the next wave, Tobi threw herself into school, with her brother’s encouragement. The hard work paid off: She went on to earn her Ph.D. and become a geologist. “I hung out with the geeky kids, the good kids, the smart kids, because of my brother,” she says. “I loved Keith, and I know he was proud of me, but I owe my success to taking the road that he didn’t take.” Tobi’s story is not unusual. Of all the factors that shape your personality—your genes, your parents, your peers—siblings are at the top, according to one major theory of human development. If you think about it, the relationships with your sisters and brothers will likely last longer than any others in your lifetime. Research shows that even in adolescence, JUNE 23, 2013 | 9

you spend 10 to 17 hours a week with them—and experts are ﬁnding that their impact continues long after you’ve left the nest. Study after study has shown that the ways you interact with each other growing up can affect your relationships, your happiness, even the way you see yourself throughout the rest of your life. “I’M FIRST!” “I’M THE BABY!” Some of the earliest studies of siblings focused on how birth order influences personality and fate. You’re familiar with the basic types: Firstborns are said to be responsible and high-achieving, youngest siblings charmers and free spirits, and middle children lost in the mix. It’s easy to dismiss these as mere stereotypes, and indeed there are researchers who do, but others have found statistical evidence that bears them out. A Norwegian study found that ﬁrstborns had slightly higher IQs than their sibs. Other research has shown they’re also more successful: According to Sandra Black, Ph.D., professor of economics at the University of

Texas at Austin, “Firstborns earn more than secondborns, who earn more than thirdborns.” On the other hand, research has found that youngest siblings really do tend to be risk-takers. Frank Sulloway, Ph.D., of the Institute of Personality and Social Research at UC Berkeley, studied baseballplaying brothers—like Joe, Dom, and Vince DiMaggio—and found that the younger ones tried to steal base more often than their older brothers. Meanwhile, middle children grow up to be more peer-oriented, says Sulloway. First- and last-borns turn to parents in an emotional crisis; middle kids, to their friends. Still, birth order is hardly destiny, says Sulloway. What’s more important, researchers say, is the quality and dynamics of your relationships with your siblings. “I’M NOTHING LIKE HIM!” Within a family, children devise all sorts of strategies to increase their status and feeling of belonging, and one of the most important is what experts call “sibling

ONLY the LONELY?

PITY THE POOR ONLY CHILD—no one to play with. (Or maybe you envied onlies, with no bratty little brother trashing their stuff.) Regardless, “there’s a big misconception in American popular culture that singletons are selﬁsh, lonely, or maladjusted,” says Toni Falbo, Ph.D., a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and an only child herself. But in fact, only children have one major advantage, says Falbo: They don’t have siblings competing for their parents’ resources, including college funds. As a result, onlies tend to achieve high levels of education and occupational prestige. As little kids, Falbo acknowledges, single children may be more comfortable with adults. “But peer sociability grows with experience,” she says, and by high school, onlies are on par with kids who have sisters and brothers. “Every day, my mother shoved me out the door and insisted I play with other children, which forced me to develop social skills,” says Falbo. “And it also helped me learn to appreciate my family, which was just the right size for me.” —F. R.

de-identiﬁcation.” To reduce competition with brothers and sisters who may be cuter or smarter (not to mention bigger and stronger), we each carve out our own niche.

You can be the smartest kid in your class, but if you have a brother who’s smarter, it doesn’t matter. Much like Tobi Kosanke, younger siblings typically start out adoring their older brothers or sisters, says Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana. “They want to mimic their strengths and talents, but over time, they realize they can’t succeed at the same level. That leads them to develop their own attributes.” “You can be the smartest kid in your class or the fastest on the track team,” says Susan McHale, Ph.D., professor of human development at Penn State University. “But if you have a brother or sister who’s smarter or more athletic, it doesn’t matter.” In other words, your selfimage is shaped at least in part by how you compare to your siblings. And it’s not just that younger kids de-identify from more capable older siblings, says McHale. In early adolescence, when we’re trying to figure out who we are, it’s often older siblings who emphasize their differences. For example, a boy with a feminist younger sister

might adopt a more macho stance. Even among tight-knit sibs, “you want to be close but also to be your own person,” says Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, Ph.D., professor emerita of psychology at the University of Indianapolis. And experts speculate that our tendency to compare ourselves to our siblings continues well into adulthood. For example, the sibling dynamic could affect what we try to achieve, says Kramer. “Asked to give a speech or do a challenging job, a less accomplished younger sibling might decline, thinking, ‘If they knew my older brother, they wouldn’t think I was so great.’ ” “OH, HER? SHE’S JUST ONE OF THE GUYS.” When it comes to learning about the opposite sex, researchers say, there’s nothing better than having an older member at home. “If you are a girl with an older brother or a boy with an older sister, you should thank them for whatever romantic success you’ve had,” jokes William Ickes, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Arlington. In Ickes’s now classic 1983 study, he instructed unacquainted malefemale pairs to talk to each other. Girls with older brothers and boys with older sisters broke the ice more easily and were more likely to rate each other favorably. Because the genders don’t mix much in middle childhood, “kids who see opposite-sex siblings and their friends in everyday settings may come to know more about how the other sex behaves and connects,” says McHale. Melissa Payne, a 29-year-old medical industry account manager in Orlando, says her relationship

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with her 33-year-old brother, Dave Payne, a publicist in Tarpon Springs, Fla., not only helped pave the way for romantic connections but allowed the two to share dating advice. A few years ago, when both siblings were seeing people who did not treat them well, each reminded the other that not all women—or men—were such shabby partners. Within a year, they had broken off the relationships. “When you’re dating someone, you can make excuses, but it was different hearing a guy’s perspective from my brother,” says Melissa. “HEY, THAT’S MINE!” Young siblings ﬁght up to eight times an hour, research shows. While all that squabbling may drive parents crazy, it’s also how some kids learn to negotiate conflict—training ground for dealing with neighbors, bosses, and spouses down the line. When it comes to arguing and expressing our opinions, we can take risks with our siblings because they’re stuck with us, says Corinna Jenkins Tucker, Ph.D., associate professor of family studies at the University of New Hampshire. “Children can test which conﬂict resolution strategies work and which don’t,” she says. (Refuse to share? Just watch your brother’s reaction.) And what we learn during childhood can have farreaching effects. Kids who learn coercive or hostile approaches to handling conflict are more likely in adolescence to join risky peer groups and engage in negative social behaviors (like smoking, drinking, or skipping school),

according to McHale. But siblings this â&#x20AC;&#x153;differential treatment.â&#x20AC;? Kids can be taught to compromiseâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; call it favoritism, and if we think thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why parental involvement is Susie is Mommyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s favorite, we so crucial. Reluctant referees who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like it, and sometimes maybe consider sibling aggression normal donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like Susie, either. and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t help resolve clashes are Children of different ages and making a mistake, says McHale. abilities are bound to be treated Their kids may end up with differently, says Conger, but for poorer social skills and more con- kids, the real question is fairness. flict compared with kids whose And if children see differential parents help them work out treatment as unfair, those their disagreements. negative feelings can And what about as lastâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;even into the Share a picture you grow older? next generation, of you and your Some experts say with an adult sibsiblings at facebook that kids who ling resenting that .com/parademag. Tag your siblings and learn hostile patGrandma gives tell us your favorite terns of interaction Susieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s kids better thing about them. with sibs may repeat Christmas gifts. those patterns with Paige D. feels that friends or coworkers. favoritism came between Others, however, suggest that kids her and her older brother, with who never develop close relation- whom she no longer speaks (she ships with their brothers or sisters says their parents skipped both may be more likely to go out of her college graduation and her their way to form strong connec- wedding but attended her tions outside the family. brotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s graduation). â&#x20AC;&#x153;As a child, I loved my brother more than the â&#x20AC;&#x153;OF COURSE WE LOVE moon and the stars,â&#x20AC;? says Paige. YOU BOTH THE SAME.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;But I think the overt favoritism Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not possible to talk about the made him feel so uncomfortable sibling relationship without that it was easier for him to block considering Mom and Dad, the me out as a way to justify our central pole on the family merry- parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; eccentricity.â&#x20AC;? go-round. Siblings may receive a Interestingly, though, while lot of things from their parents, some children are highly attuned including cues on how to treat to variations in their parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; someone in a close relationship. attentions, they are often mistaken Good marriages tend to make for about favoritism. When Deborah kids who get along better, says T. Gold, Ph.D., associate profesKatherine Jewsbury Conger, sor of medical sociology at Duke Ph.D., associate professor of University, studied pairs of adult human development at UC Davis. siblings, she found that in many Yet thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s one parental behav- cases each thought the other was ior that can really make or break their parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; favorite. the sibling relationship. As every kid knows almost from his or her â&#x20AC;&#x153;WHAT ARE WE GOING TO ďŹ rst breath, if Mommy or Daddy DO ABOUT MOM?â&#x20AC;? gives me less than my sister, then How siblings get along in adultitâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s game over. Social scientists call hood also depends greatly on how

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Views

By Connie Schultz

Theory of Relativity I have my own thoughts about the tyranny of birth order. And as the oldest child, I’m sure I’m right.

he photo above was taken in 1964 in our family’s living room in Ashtabula, Ohio. It’s your basic birth-order drama, played out against a backdrop of ﬁberglass curtains designed to outlive the human race. There I am, in my plaid skirt and Friar Tuck bangs, already working full-time to keep safe and upright my parents’ most prized possession: their only son. I once wrote that on the day of Chuckie’s arrival, my parents hired a marching band to stand on our front porch and play Aaron Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man” as Dad solemnly carried his newborn male into the house. My mother was furious. “How could you write such a

“LOOK MA, TWO HANDS!”

Toni, Leslie, me, and baby Chuckie.

thing?” she said. “We would never have spent that kind of money.” You see my burden. My brother’s arrival skewed the whole birth-order thing. In our family, there was Chuckie and three practice rounds named Connie, Leslie, and Toni. This is not to say my parents didn’t love their girls. Each of us was raised to take her rightful turn as Homecoming Queen, just like Mom. Only two of us succeeded, but that’s a story I’m saving for my bitter memoir. Mom used to love to point out that with her daughters, she had one of each: a brunette, a dishwater blonde,

and a strawberry redhead. Please note that I’m the only one with no adjective. (That memoir will write itself, I swear.) Being the oldest kid, I had a childhood full of maternal directives that began with the phrase “Yes, but.” “Yes, but Leslie’s very sensitive [hellooo, middle child!], and you have to include her. Now go wipe her nose.” “Yes, but [youngest-gets-awaywith-everything] Toni was only trying to help when she wrote her name all over your go-go boots. Nancy Sinatra will be so jealous.” “Yes, but you had the ﬁrst 18 months of life all to yourself. Now take your sisters to the store … to the beach … somewhere far away from Mommy. Call if someone’s bleeding.” But there are also many perks to being the oldest. For one thing, I grew up wearing fewer hand-medowns. I also got to stay up late to watch the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. (I may be dating myself here.) Best of all, I’ve got the most memories, chronologically speaking. My siblings will never be rid of me, because I remember them when. When 3-year-old Toni stood at the door as I walked away to school every morning, screaming, “Connie! Connie! Connie!” When 12-year-old Chuckie sent a note to me at college offering to beat up a boy, any boy, who dared to annoy me. When 7-year-old Leslie sneaked out of bed to kiss my feverish forehead and whisper, “Please don’t die.” Shivering with the ﬂu, I whispered back, “Okay.” Pause. “Don’t touch my Barbies.”

PHOTO: COURTESY OF CONNIE SCHULTZ

they manage one of the most volatile family passages—the aging and death of their parents. As grown-up sibs see their time with Mom or Dad running out, it stirs up deep childhood desires for love and approval. Research shows that in 90 percent of families, one person does most of the caregiving, and Bedford notes that if siblings grew up with a sense of unfairness, those feelings can reignite over how sisters and brothers perceive elder care. On the other hand, this passage also brings enormous opportunities to strengthen and renew sibling relationships. Putting your heads together during stressful times can help you and your siblings get to know each other as adults. Hey, my brother’s not that incompetent little kid! Where did my sister acquire so much patience? And even if things are tense (or worse), it’s not impossible to repair the relationship. As young adults, Wendy Beckman and her older sister, Bonnie Nielson, were little more than cordial. Wendy, now 55 and a writer in Cincinnati, still thought of her older sister as annoyingly overprotective. But in her 30s, she made efforts to connect with Bonnie, whose marriage was unraveling. “Bit by bit,” Wendy recalls, “we started talking honestly about things in our adult lives, not just ‘You took my socks when I was 12.’ She actually started asking me for advice!” Confronting their father’s Alzheimer’s and their mother’s death from cancer, they grew even closer. “We still come at the world completely differently,” 14 | JUNE 23, 2013

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says Bonnie, now 61, of Augusta, Maine. â&#x20AC;&#x153;But when you see your siblings as fully formed adults, the relationship is so much more fulďŹ lling.â&#x20AC;? Experts say this pattern of sibling drift, followed by re connection, is common. When siblings move away and start their own careers and families, they often have little contact except through their parents. But in middle age and beyond, as other loved ones pass away, surviving siblings can be important sources of support. In fact, research shows the healthiest, happiest, and least lonely people have warm sibling relationships. As time passes, Patti Woodâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s relationship with her two older sisters has become more precious. Patti, 53, an author and speaker in Decatur, Ga., always adored her sisters, now 62 and 66. The three â&#x20AC;&#x153;military bratsâ&#x20AC;? stayed close during their many moves, and have bonded even more tightly after caring for their 92-year-old mother. Despite their differencesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; single, long-married with grandkids, divorced with a grown childâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;they talk to each other nearly every day, travel together, and call each other ďŹ rst in a crisis. And they share a unique history. Pattiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s oldest sister, Robin, speaks for them all when she says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;We know weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll always be there for each other. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t imagine not having my sisters there to count on.â&#x20AC;?

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mash; h bring to a boil over medium heat. m Cook, stirring, 1 minute. Transfer Transf filling to a 9-inch square baking dish. Cut 3 Tbsp chilled butter into pieces and rub into 1 cup flour in i a bowl until it resembles coarse meal. resem Add 1 Tbsp sugar, 1½ tsp baking powder, ½ tsp salt, and ½ cup milk. Spoon dough over filling. Bake until topping is golden, to 25 minutes. min

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Strawberry ry Pizza Preheat oven ven to 450°F. Mix ½ cup orange-ginger stir-fry sauce uce with 1 Tbsp olive ve oil and 1 Tbsp strawberry awberry jam. Spread mixture xture evenly over a 10-inch inch unbaked pizza crust. t. Top with 1 cooked, sliced chicken breast, 3 oz crumbled goat cheese, se, and 1 cup hulled, sliced ced strawberries. Bake ake until crust is golden, olden, 10 to 15 minutes. Season with salt and fresh esh oregano. Raspberry y Chicken Puree ¼ cup up raspberries; pass through ugh a sieve to seed. Whisk sk puree, ½ cup raspberry jam, ¼ cup balsamic vinegar, 2 Tbsp red wine, 2 tsp fresh oregano, 1 pinch cayenne, and salt and nd pepper in a pan. Simmer mer 5 minutes. Brush on chicken during last 5 minutes utes of grilling. Cold Strawberry wberry Soup Puree 2 pints nts hulled strawberries, ies, ¼ peeled cucumber,, 2 Tbsp parsley, and nd 2 Tbsp cilantro. Add 1 pint hulled, chopped strawberries, 2 Tbsp parsley, 2 Tbsp cilantro, 1 Tbsp olive oil, 1 Tbsp lemon juice, and salt and pepper. Chill; top with sliced scallions.

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Mixed M xed Berry Mi Ice Cream Sauce Cre Combine 1 cup hulled, Comb sliced strawberries, 1 cup raspberries, and 1 cup raspbe blueberries in a bowl. blueb Toss with ¼ cup sugar and 1 Tbsp lemon juice. Puree Pur half the berry mixture. Transfer mix puree pur back to bowl and stir to combine. Raspberry Pie Ras Preheat oven to 425°F. Preh Fit 1 pie p dough round into a 9-inch pie plate. Combine ½ cup sugar, Comb ¹∕∕³ cup flour, and 1 tsp finely grated lemon zest in a bowl. bo Stir in 4 cups raspberries and 1 Tbsp raspbe lemon juice. Spoon filling into crust. Dot with 2 Tbsp cr butter. Cover filling with 1 pie dough round. Crimp d edges. edges Cut slashes in top. Bake 10 1 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350°F and tempe cook until crust is golden u and fillling is bubbly, 35 to 40 minutes. min Triple Berry Parfait Divide 1½ cups vanilla yogurt, ½ cup blueberries, ½ cup raspberries, and ½ cup hulled, sliced strawberries between 2 parfait glasses. Top with chopped fresh mint.

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