Lampoon 2022 Volume 66 Number 5

VOLUME 66 NUMBER 5 JANUARY TO APRIL 2022

T HROAT

W I T HOU T

K NOW I NG

THESPUTUM

Sorry, we are closed on Sundays!

SPILLING THE HOTTEST #TEA THE OFFICIAL TIKTOK MEDIA CORPSE OF LOZOLDA UNIVERSITY

CHEKAS

Read on page 2

New Threat to Society Identified

Researchers discover new variant: Anti-vaxxers

Scientists name new variant of novel CHARS-CoV-19 as “antivaxxers”.

JEJETORIAL

Read on page 4

Keep your Vincentiments to yourself, Len-Len

Yes to fresh Len-Len

The Sputum sticks up for Imee et al.’s call to #LetLenLenRest.

ISKUL ISPYUK

Read on page 7 COVID-19 variants: What’s Next?

Lozolyarns Spyuk

Lozolyarns wonder how the next COVID-19 variant will come into light.

WAG, DAY!

ZOOMING THROUGH. Superstar Rona instantly gains support from fan Philippine presidential candidate Fur Demand “BingBong” Macaroon Jr. for her latest virtual world tour through Zoom. -INDEI NAKO

Miss Rona Takes On Zoom Meetings Doctors issue advisories against “Rona Mania”

by TRUE BAKA

After a show-stopping world tour via air and touch, the viral influencer Miss Rona is set to bring her name to the virtual realm, thanks to her collaboration with the popular video conferencing application Zoom Meetings.

An exclusive sneak peek via Philippine presidential candidate Fur Demand “BingBong” Macaroon Jr. exposed the virtual leg of Miss Rona’s tour after name-dropping “Omicron” as the reason why he was unable to attend his court hearings.

Earlier in January 2022, Macaroon sat out the legal proceedings against his presidential bid with the Commission on Elections

Achieving a Love Life Made Easy

How to Get Your Crush to Like You (It Works!)

A step-by-step guide towards winning the love of your life’s heart—tested and proven.

FELIPE-KNOWS

“I have such dedicated fans,” Miss Rona said on her virtual ticket-selling being a hotspot for contracting the illness. “I don’t see why I should be held back.”

After the Macaroon hearing, teasers for the “Omicron” virtual world tour continued on through Miss Rona’s hottest releases “Alpha”, “Beta”, “Delta”, and “Deltacron” which served as a special gift for her Filipino fans, annihilating Philippine schools and universities’ online classes.

“I opened my laptop and I suddenly got an advertisement for the ‘Omicron’ virtual world tour,” one student recounted, mentioning that they started to feel flu-like symptoms three days later in which they had to quarantine.

Furthermore, an entire class

of students from Yell University reportedly felt sick after they attended a Biology lecture held through Zoom, leading to the administration’s executive decision to suspend online classes. They traced it back to a group of friends who contracted Rona Mania from the virtual ticket selling.

“I work hard, but my PR team works harder,” Miss Rona proudly said, thanking her team for the hard work they have exerted in making the virtual world tour possible.

In preparation for the controversial “Omicron” world tour, the Philippine government continues to emphasize the importance of minimizing the use of gadgets and disinfecting screens with alcohol for protection against Rona Mania.

MENTAL BREAKDOWNS AS TRAINING FOR EXTREME SPORTS

The Sputum gains int’l acclaim after controversy

by MAY U. RESINPEES

Read on page 10

(COMELEC) after contracting a low-grade fever from the exclusive online ticket-selling.

“I needed to be the first in line to get tickets,” Macaroon revealed.

“I would not let anyone steal the opportunity from me. Anything is worth it for my idol Miss Rona.”

His lawyer Montana Barcelona, who was physically present during the meeting, said that they made the decision to let him rest as he may “cause the spread of Rona Mania.”

Doctors have initially stated that Rona Mania brings about mild to moderate respiratory illness and can be contracted via airborne and surface transmission; however, the Whirl Help Organization’s latest studies have concluded that it can travel virtually as well.

Last year’s controversy involving the viral “Get to Know Your Crush” segment of The Sputum proved pivotal to the debut of the student journalists slash warriors in the Mental Gymnastics World Cup (MGWC) competition.

The segment featured the then-campus crush candidates of the annual university Big A-On elections, along with snippets of their exclusive interviews with the publication.

In hindsight, the controversy ensued when top campus crush Juts Kagidiya expressed their views and opinions about the gossip surrounding heterosexuality and minority (that do not reflect that of the school’s) on Pukebook, which subjected them

to public scrutiny led by the indigenous marites and marisols.

However, to the shock of the masses, many blamed The Sputum for allowing such candidates to express their viewpoints.

“I am very disappointed with The Sputum. How could they allow these people to share their vulgar and mema opinions?” a local marisol indulged, opting to stay anonymous to ‘incite mystery’.

Even so, the campus journalists at The Sputum have been drilled to the core to defend their truth above and beyond, combating the death threats thrown by netizens with classified campus journ knowledge stolen from the headquarters of PIA-6—by turning off the comments section.

“I will uphold the truth, and I respect the opinions and views expressed by the campus NEWS / PAGE 3

HE SAID, SHE SAID. Local journalists garner worldwide popularity after newsmongers escalate controversy online. -INDAYDOJI

Read on page 12 K-12 Pioneers Graduation

Guinea pig stage: Tatapusin mo o tatapusin ka?

After six years at school, the K-12 pioneer batch approaches their college graduation.

ART BY UR SLEEPLESS DAUGHTER

2

CHEKAS

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

THESPUTUM

INFECTING ONE MIND AT A TIME

Researchers discover new variant: Anti-vaxxers

by SI RENA

SAVE THE CHILDREN. Fear strikes again among civilians as the new ‘anti-vaxxer’ variant convinces the infected that vaccine experiments are done on children. -INDAYDOJI

Scientists from the Global Health Association identified the first known contagions from the novel CHARS-CoV-19 in Chizums City, Cheka last Dec. 32, 2020.

The infected, temporarily named “anti-vaxxers”, were discovered after growing in number and insisting a full removal of restrictions to products and services exclusively offered to the jabbed.

Speciated from gossip and false propaganda, anti-vaxxers are described as the new age’s latest variety of conspiracy theorists, with special features ranging from microchip phobias, an illogical sense of entitlement, and a premium bonus of refusal to wear masks properly.

Cases are steadily rising among innocent civilians as their lethal “thegovernment-wants-us-to-hateeach-other” and “vaccines-containbrainwashing-capabilities” spores contaminate open-minded spaces.

Recent studies from the World

Medical Coalition also link advanced brain shrinkage to the disease, particularly in regions in charge of processing information, therefore posing a serious threat to communities despite their seemingly normal appearance.

The masses recognized that the biological war gradually shifted to a moralbattle over the course of conflict with Queen Rona, wherein vaccinefearing clans learned to improperly wield Philippine democracy, freedom of choice, and the ultimate munition in their arsenal: the Bible.

“Our choice, our consequences,” 47-year-old anti-vaxx cult leader Darth Marites asserted, earning support from the fully awakened force of her entire family tree who are similarly unaware of the aforementioned consequences.

In their attempts to question government tactics to induce herd immunity, the debilitated resorted to petty rebellion via blatant removal of masks in public spaces, or to illegal documents such as forged vaccination cards to evade authority.

Those under the influence of the plague pointed their hesitancy to the underestimated number of deaths caused by inoculating vaccines and the exceptionally rare possibility of harmful reactions to the drug, such as acquiring common sense and improved judgment.

Moreover, objectors argue that the inoculated can still contract the microscopic pathogen—this being true as vaccines do not prevent one’s fateful encounter with the devil incarnate, only (significantly) reducing its lethality.

Meanwhile, Mosa Broadcasting Co. confirmed that anti-vaxxers were already mutating at one new variation per week, posing a tougher challenge for scientists to crack.

Administrations, organizations, and various agencies worldwide pledge more resources to continue the research in understanding anti-vaxxers’ logic and ideally find a cure for the pathogen causing the viral spread of their idiocy.

Until then, the public is advised to proceed with caution.

RPDR semifinalists on hetero civil union: ‘Nah-uh, bish’ Drag queen opens discussion on hetero civil union anew

by DINIO QUILALAH

The top five queens of RamPant’s Drag Race Season 69 sparked dialogue after expressing their disapproval regarding heterosexual civil union during the semifinals of the show.

In the snatch game portion, RamPant threw out the question “Straight Stan is so straight, he does not deserve _____?” to which Monique Fah Quiao shouted, “Heterosexual civil union!”

Monique’s response stirred up quite a discussion among the contestants, urging Ram to ask every queen their take on the issue.

Queen Conversations Right off the bat, Izzy Coke Lessyes said “no <3” to heterosexual civil union, saying that relationships between a man and a woman is just not her thing.

“If y’all are straight and want to get unionized, then sorry coz it’s a big naurrr for me,” Izzy Coke interjected.

On the other hand, Feng Luckzone and Leigh Neigh

Fuchsia expressed their support for heterosexual marriage but not for the union.

“Heteros be gettin’ allowed to get married in church, and now they also wanna grab the union?” Feng questioned, rolling her sassy eyes.

Leigh Neigh also added that although she is all for radical love between straight couples, they should still go to church and get married.

Meanwhile, BuBu Mucus expressed her neutrality on the issue, shutting her mouth up during the conversation and giving the viewers absolutely nothing.

Controversial Monique After hearing out the queens, Ram then asked Monique if the statements of her fellow contestantschangedherviewpoint.

“You know Ram, I have my values and principles so I remain firm on my stand,” Monique asserted. “I know I have plenty of straight supporters and they

will love me all the way through.”

This is not the first time that Monique has opened up her sentiments on the issue— she has previously drawn flak from netizens after a video of her describing male to female relationships as “way worse than penguins” made rounds online in 2016.

After being slammed, Monique had issued an apology video about her controversial views, insisting that she did not mean any harm to the penguins and that she was misquoted by the media.

Episode Conclusion In the end, Feng and Leigh Neigh had to lip sync for their legacy after being declared winners of the snatch game.

After crushing the lip sync floor, Leigh Neigh then revealed that she chose BuBu’s lipstick, eliminating her biggest rival out of the competition.

“I hope y’all are united,” BuBu marked as her farewell mirror message before sashaying away.

ART BY ESQUISSEZ-MOI ART

BY ESQUISSEZ-MOI

PRESS RELEASE

Sputers pursue search party for MIA journos

Coveed Neinbich brought a genocidal decline in the population of aspiring news and chismis distributors of Lozolyarns’ acclaimed league of heroes The Sputum as online class requirements pile up.

Three years have passed since Coveed Neinbich—an infectious respiratory disease—spread

throughout the globe, resulting in a simultaneous decrease in hiring applications as well as an increase in resignations as reported by The Sputum’s team of certified eavesdroppers.

“Before Coveed Neinbich came to Lozolda, they [the Sputers] were always seen, wearing their black

shirts stitched with an ‘S’ as they cover all drama and conflict,” Lyca Bergen, once an aspiring Sputer, shared. “I admired how their ears catch whatever’s said as if they’re born to listen in on conversations.”

Although this embroidery of the letter ‘S’ may be interpreted as a poor imitation of Superman, Bergen

signified that itwas a comforting sight for the once sizeable crowd of hopeful applicants vying to join the ranks of loud (but beloved) eavesdroppers who bear a passion for protecting the order and balance of chitchat.

“Your tita [herself] is very sadt that only two people accepted the sacred calling to be official chismis

distributors. But maybe we haven’t prayed enough to our saints Sugar and Spice,” Kyna-yah Paba, the esteemed leader of the loose-mouthed and loose-eared heroes, said with a very very small hint of disappointment.

Contrary to before, when Lozolyan youth were previously bustling in and out of The Sputum’s headquarters to retrieve an application form, kids these days have their eyes locked on “Canvasurana Angbreinselles”, a virtual teaching platform wherein students comply with numerous scholastic activities until 11:59 PM. Aside from jam-packed schedules and tasks lining up their Canvasurana dashboards, Lozolda’s online community cited how their students’ conversations with friends (and people in general) have become dull, which is also the new normal for the overworked storytellers of the publication.

“I didn’t really want to say this but I have to: My son is going crazy. In the dark, he’s still awake—crying, laughing, and pulling his hair out while typing aggressively,” Boom Err Acquo, a concerned parent of one of The Sputum’s hardworking keyboard warriors who resigned said, narrating how they keep up with thousands of unreasonable deadlines during the wee hours of the night.

Despite the alarming rate of decreasing membership applications, The Sputum proclaimed their continued trust that a new batch of student journalists would overcome the adversities brought

by Canvasurana Angbreinselles to join the cult of brilliant creatives that thrive in the publication.

CHEKAS

THESPUTUM

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

3

Hospital loses kidney after doctors overlook undo button Interns detail real-life workplace struggles

by TRUE BAKA

Medical frontliners at a local hospital went into a frenzy after a kidney meant for a patient’s transplant went missing in the middle of its scheduled operation at the Final Destination Hospital on Feb. 30.

Upon interviewing the hospital staff composed of interns who graduated after completing their onthe-job training (OJT) via the popular video game “Surgeon Simulator”, investigators found out that a pair of shaky hands accidentally dropped the organ, causing it to disappear from existence.

“We immediately looked for the undo button upon realizing, but we couldn’t find one. If only the hospital provided us with a virtual reality (VR) headset, we would not have lost it,” firstyear intern Steph Herscope said.

Furthermore, most of them claimed that they are still adjusting to the real-life workplace after spending their college years online—warranting virtual practical exams, return demonstrations, and simulations.

“People are way different from teddy bears,” Assistant Nurse Flowrinse Daygale said.

“Despite finishing our internship requirements in college, it is like we are going through it a

second time because of how different it is from real life.”

Amidst this mishap, the hospital assured that they will secure VR headsets for their staff to practice on so that such incidents will not happen again.

“We will do everything in our power to make sure that no kidneys—or any other internal organs—will end up on the loose,” Head of Guts Carti Ledge declared.

In fact, such a scenario is not only limited to the medical field as the recent batch of fresh graduates have expressed their dismay at their respective school administrations after discovering that their OJT learnings differed from what the actual workplace offers.

“I learned to prepare myself to fight creepers that may destroy the farm,” an Agriculture graduate Steve Enderman said after tending to different kinds of pixelated cubes on “Minecraft”.

Other applications such as “Cooking Mama” and “The Sims 4” have served as venues for students to gain a similar experience in their OJTs and internships, hoping to save college graduates from feeling incompetent amidst the lack of hands-on experience during the pandemic.

VIRTUAL EXPERTISE. A surgeon is fully equipped and prepared to perform her major surgery in the multiplayer mode of Surgeon Simulator 2. -QUEWAII

Despite being unable to provide the real-life work experience that students will eventually face in their careers, school administrations stand by their decision to continue with virtual OJTs and

internships, and are eyeing other applications to accommodate all courses such as “Wii Sports” for Physical Education majors.

“Apps like ‘Wii Sports’ are enough to prepare our students

for the real world,” a school administrator revealed.

“This is the gift of technology, and we have to take advantage of the opportunities it brings.”

EJK hotel guests forced on streets after lease expires Anti-doodlebug program goes awry

by CHIZ MIZ G. NAGMAY

Hundreds of Filipino families protested in rage after the Board of Hotel Standards and Ethics (BoHSEt) flushed longterm lodgers out of the Estan Jong Kouk (EJK) underground hotel, an esteemed doodlebug den in Barangay II, Toxi City, due to a building lease that expired last Jan. 16.

Residents of the said barangay and other communities living near EJK expressed their surprise after they saw a swarm of “dead-eyed” people scurrying to leave the hotel

the night prior to the protest.

“It was a quiet night and I love The Smiths so I was listening to them, you know. To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. I sang a lot because I love them, but when I looked out my window I was shocked by the sight [of doodlebug abusers leaving the hotel]. I just went holy sh*t,” Natlyk Odergorls, a resident, expressed her distress with bloodshot eyes and a suspicious bag in her tight grip.

Odergorls further noted that it was the first time they saw people exiting the hotel since those who entered were never

seen leaving the premises.

Seven months earlier, the BoHSEt also disinterred other underground hotels around the country, including EJK subsidiaries in various provinces.

“They looked fine, as if they were spared from their downward spiral in the world of doodlebugs. EJK did them great and [they] looked alive and well, so we had no choice but to make them leave,” BoHSEt Chief Langhi Yanaman stated.

EJK served as an underground hotel for blacklisted personnel charged with addiction,

peddling, and hoarding of doodlebugs following President Rodrigo Duterte’s implementation of the highly controversial War on Doodlebugs back in 2016, which admitted them 2,555 guests.

However, due to the incident, the hotel management is holding a temporary suspension of activities until the May 9 elections while they are looking for lease sponsors.

“We did our best to take care of the doodlebug abusers, but life sucks [for them],” Ma. Mattay Tao, sole proprietor of the hotel, claimed, emphasizing

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE collaborate to strengthen youth’s mental health

CAN’T BREATHE. Schools are aiding mental health yet students are suffocating as they haven’t recovered from their other schoolworks. -SHREK

by LALIS AH MANOKAN

Following the aftermath of Supertyphoon Audit, the Legitimate Institution of Valuable Education (LIVE), Lame Assembly of Unreliable and Gaslighting Hypocrites (LAUGH), and the Leafy Organization of Verdant Earth-lovers (LOVE) collaborated to provide emotional support for the calamity’s victims, especially the youth.

With that in mind, LAUGH organized a series of webinars on handling stress, although their platform failed to reach its target audience as LIVE students were unable to attend

the event due to heavy flooding.

To address the matter, the trio held a week-long donation drive, earning them enough money to supply victims with laptops instead of essentials like food and first aid kits.

“I needed to attend LAUGH’s mental health webinars for my grades but couldn’t because Supertyphoon Audit wrecked everything. In the end, it was LOVE’s generosity that afforded my laptop and helped me bag that uno,” charity drive recipient Merlinda shared, waving off her grumbling stomach.

Inspired by the LOVE ecowarriors, the mental health advocates from LAUGH also came up with creative ways to reduce their carbon footprint, one of which was recycling resources.

“As mental health professionals advocating for our environment, we strictly adhere to the ‘reduce, reuse, recycle’ policy. Everything is reused to promote zero-waste, including our PowerPoint presentations from 2003,” LOVE Head Cy Kho declared.

Moreover, LIVE Principal Khan Vasquez showed his optimism for their collaboration by mandating daily discussions on burnouts,

breakdowns, and other pertinent issues, to which students are guaranteed higher bonus points for every webinar they attend.

However, statistics show discrepancies as rates of student drop-outs increase despite the university hosting mental health webinars every day, with the community pinning heavy workload and unfeasible deadlines as the prime suspects.

“We did everything we could,” Vasquez shrugged. “We’ve been working hard to give students the mental health support they need— we even held mental healthwebinars during exams for encouragement!”

When asked whether they considered addressing the root of mental health problems, Khan Vasquez admitted that the thought never crossed his mind, once again highlighting the purpose of the aforementioned webinars.

Vasquez also added that the university simply cannot afford to reduce the academic workload, as the administration abides by the Commission on Heinous Education’s standards of 75.3 modules per week and believes that these hardships enhance LIVE students’ critical thinking skills.

Instead, to empower students, the trio invited renowned mind reader and World Gatekeeping Champion Thera Pia to share her knowledge during last week’s mental health webinar entitled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss”.

“Let this be a reminder to the youth: It’s all in your head.

Just smile and think happy thoughts,” Pia imparted, assuring the younger generation that their emotions are not valid.

that the expired lease is not the management’s fault.

Moreover, when asked if the EJK estate will continue operating if they fail to acquire sponsors, Tao admitted that they will be forced to shut down.

“I am still looking at the format, but I guess we will move on to a fast-food chain if May 9 does not go in our favor,” Tao disclosed. “How does a burger-joint and coke sound?”

Nonetheless, Tao highlighted the three factors that can revive a reputably-damaged business: unity, trust, and lots of money.

THE SPUTUM CONTROVERSY

crushes. We must protect our sources [of happiness],” Sputum gossip correspondent Siryu Soka pointed out.

The confrontation between the netizens and the said publication lasted for 40 days and 40 nights with one-sided attacks from the netizens as the publication remained firm with their decision to protect their sources, pulling every trick in the book and calling upon the astrology gods to bless them.

Unexpectedly, the MGWC committee contacted The Spectroom for a special participation in their mental gymnastics competition to be held on Feb. 30.

“I believe it takes a great deal of personality to be able to handle the pressure of being a journalist in these difficult times,” MGWC Committee President Bo Ang shared.

Some of the criteria that deemed Sputum qualified in the said competition include (but are not limited to): going viral for the not-so-good reasons, invigorating the cultist groups to step into the light, and a flock of netizens telling you how you should do your job.

The journalists took this as validation to their relentless effort, remaining steadfast to what they believe in and choosing when to wield the sword rather than pen.

With The Sputum officially appearing on the global arena, the university applauded this international feat and awarded them two years of vacation leave to nurse their burnt out staff and editors.

To this day, journalists across the globe look up to The Spectroom and hope to get into a controversy big enough to claim a ticket to the renowned MGWC competition as well.

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OFFEND YORN

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

JEJETORIAL

Yes to fresh Len-Len

Anyone who claims to work 18 we do not know what to call hours a day is either lying or stupid. the rest of the Filipinos.

Likewise, the publication Len-Len claims to work 18 hours a day. also dismisses the claims of Therefore, Len-Len is those Filipinos who shared on either lying or stupid. social media with the hashtag The Spectrum, with all of “#AkoSiLenLen” right after its indolent members, stands finding the video offensive in solidarity with Sen. Imee for their Nanay Len-Len. To Marcos, Miss Q&A grand winner specify, teachers bearing the Juliana Parizcova Segovia, and brunt of online classes, medical experiencing all other Filipinos included frontliners physical and mental distress, in the 60% to condemn LenLen’s 18-hour workday because there are only 24 hours in a day. This concern transpired after watching Vincentiment’s “Pagod Len-Len” series, and as avid fans of Darryl Yap’s new digital series that is grounded in vulgarity, we could not just sit down and let Len-Len lead.

Len-Len is stupid for forcing herself to work 18 hours a day just so she can wind up all around the 1,700 islands (kapagod ha!), especially when issues occur and Mang Duts is found sleeping soundly under his kulambo while they-who-mustnot-be-named are endlessly swimming in their golden-stolenwealth. She could have done the same thing so we would not be mistaken and assume that she is a frontliner when in fact she is only a backliner; now ART BY CAMPUS NERD (NGKSP)

overseas Filipinoworkers serving different bosses, essential and contractual workers paid by the hour, and those taking double and triple sidelines complained about living at a knife’s edge.

But they are responsible for their own doing! If they only knew how to manage their time

“Len-Len should be taught how to idle away for 18 hours—just like Sen. Imee with her shopping and spa time.”

THESPUTUM

like our Sen. Imee, they would not have to blame their situation on poverty, food insecurity, unemployment, understaffing, undercompensation, and the government, since they have a fxking choice to lessen their load or even drop it. It was, in fact, their own doing. After all, those stories were nothing but pure exaggerations and drama from the 16% minority whose aim is certainly to defend their Mother Len-Len. Laziness, stupidity, and hustle culture are to be blamed, not the working system of the Philippines.

The country treats all employees properly and has clearly risen above the long history of corruption as well as the constant fight for rights, exploited workers, and abusive industries as a third-world country. It is obviously the Filipino people who need to adjust.

To address this concern of long working hours, LenLen should be taught how to idle away for 18 hours— just like Sen. Imee with her shopping and spa time.

See? It is simply a matter of time management, so we Filipinos will not have to endure the harsh reality that we are creating for ourselves daily.

Disclaimer: In defense of the Vincentiments production, the “Pagod Len-Len” series has nothing to do with any political content despite involving a presidential candidate’s sister as one of the main cast. As a senator, kudos to Imee for really thinking she did something.

PAW PAWER

pet, Pete, petty, pittie

By Bhoszx_El_Suphladita

pet—n. a favorite animal; companion Babies are now a threatened species after it was recently reported that pet animals are replacing them as the family’s source of happiness.

Based on the 2k22 Pawpaw statistics, pet dogs are now leading the rank as the “most preferred bundle of joy”, with pet cats and rabbits trailing behind. Sadly, for the first time in centuries, the baby species ranked fourth due to the widespread of the petish syndrome.

The petish syndrome is a condition characterized by a deep affection toward pets, leading to couples’ reluctance to raise a child. People with this condition experience an intense desire to house fur babies, provide comfortable spaces for them, and excessively spoil them with beef chunks, kibbles, and squeaky toys. The most serious complications include hoarding pets and being obsessed to see and and hug them all the time.

Pete—n. a.k.a Peter With this shocking shift of ranks, Papa Pete, the patron saint of hoomanity, expressed his grave disappointment to couples, calling them “selfish” and “ungrateful” for their preference of pets over kids and their disregard of parenthood.

“Our homeland suffers because of hoomans like you, being biased with pets and diagnosed with petish syndrome. It’s a shame for us to be underpopulated!”

These pronouncements of Papa Pete on national TV had been the talk of the town—most especially at the church where he resides and pressures couples to reconsider the joys of parenthood. pittie—n. (slang) a pit bull terrier; people-oriented breed Despite Papa Pete’s call for reconsideration, the fur-chase rate of the pitbull terrier even arose.

Now everything’s narrowed down to

“And if you leave town to travel, you can’t fly with your pittie—less stress, less expenses.” baby versus pittie, and we all know Papa Pete stands with the former.

I, for one, can’t deny that the couples’ decision is a more feasible option. However, I have no right to

THE CHISMACKERS

THESPUTUM FOUNDED 1956

pukebook.com/thesputumlazmols · thesputumlazmols@dontcontactme.com VOLUME 66 NUMBER 5 · JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 UTAK NG PUROPAGANDA Bhoszx_El_Suphladita AR 57 KOKOMI MAIN Totally Not a Pick Me Girl

ASUKAL DE MAMA May U. Resinpees YOUR ONE AND ONLY BiBiMo

2007 WARPED TOUR EMO boy best friend JOLLIBOT FUJOSHI Chiz Miz G. Nagmay SHOPEE PLATINUM MEMBER Lalis Ah Manokan MAXIMUS PRIME Ma Tsu Dun Seer GATEKEEPER NG DARK WEB Si Rena

FAKE STAN NI ST. JOHN Palievogue CRUSH NG BAYAN Local Sadboi GOING SA EXCITING PART ur sleepless daughter GOING NAMAN SA EXCITING PART Lynyuuh

Baba Alan-Alang True Baka Dinio Quilalah THE MAG-USSY

Ursula That Guy Eric @definitelyOdin CORPS ‘D LIT

Jojowain Itto Moon u/SPF3000

immerse myself in the conversation because I am of the youngest generation. Yet I know that they have all the reasons to oppose Papa Pete’s plea. It’s the woman’s uterus after all.

Having pitties is much more practical, especially with cashstrapped couples. Pitties have their own basic necessities, but at least you don’t have to send them to school. Besides that, the couple’s freedom is never compromised when they’re out for work or to social gatherings. On the other hand, it’s either you bring the baby or seek a nanny (which would mean more money used)—plus the Maritesses lie in wait to get you #Canceled should you leave the baby at home while you dance the night away, live your life, and stay young on the floor. And if you leave town to travel, you can’t fly with your pittie—less stress, less expenses.

Although children can understand your language, respond during conversations, and establish emotional relationships with you, at least there is no emotional drama, sass, or cringey jejemon eras with pitties.

petty—adj. unimportant; selfish With the rigidity of Papa Pete’s advocacy, couples took to social media their grievances using the hashtags “#PapaDog” and “#PapaPetePetty”. Let our response be: Daserrrb! Some netizens even called him a hypocrite when old photographs of him working as a zookeeper leaked on the internet.

If Papa Pete wants all couples to raise children, then he should at least finance them. Otherwise, he should consider marrying again and having children. It’s not as if the women’s sole purpose in life is to start a family.

It is only my hope that you, my fellow fur parents, may continue to have the courage to secure that “No Baby on Board” sticker at the back of your car to flaunt your newly-adopted fur babies.

Obviously, Bhoszx_El_Suphladita is an extreme doggo lover, an official animal lawyer, and a radical advocate of animal welfare. She is currently working on House Bill No. abc123 or “An Act Prohibiting Discrimination on the Basis of Speciesism”, and is always ready to defend animals over hoomans.

KEYBOARD WARRIOR

PANCIT CANTON COOKER

CATFISH BREEDERS

NOT YOURS OBVIOUSLY

Yokonata Lhaga Quewaii inDei nako indaydoji

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pink akon boto Di Mo Bibi

ALPHA MALE

Captain B.

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CANVA PREMIUM USERS

Jodi Jusko Maria Esquissez-Moi Campus Nerd (NGKSP)

The Spectrum is the Official Student Media Corps of the University of St. La Salle. Its editorial office is located at the Coliseum grounds La Salle Ave., Bacolod City, Negros Occidental 6100; it can be reached through the telephone number, (034) 432-1187 local 172 and e-mail address, thespectrum.usls@gmail. com. All rights reserved. No part of The Spectrum may be reproduced in any form without the written consent of the Media Corps. All contributions become The Spectrum property and the Editor-in-Chief reserves the right to edit all articles for publication.

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS Humor. Exaggeration. Sarcasm. Irony. These are only few of the elements contained in this lampoon newspaper. This is to say that everything here is satire; a means for us to easily convey the pressing issues within the university, the country, and the world.

It has been five years since the last published lampoon issue, and just like last time, we are bringing this back because “the times call for it“. In our new normal reality of stifled press freedom amidst the coronavirus and fake news pandemics, we wanted to give you something entertaining and eye-opening.

So think and reflect as you read this—absorb the truth beyond knowing.

OFFEND YORN

THESPUTUM

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

YASSIFIED POLITICS

This 2022 elections: Colors over competence

By Xx_LenLenxBabyM_xX

A Pinoy’s favorite red flag can be found on spicy Chickenjoy meals.

Filipinos go crazy over bright, flashy colors. Why do you think our hotdogs are so red? That is probably why whenever election season rolls around, politicians dip their toes in the art of clownery and don themselves in the brightest, flashiest hues to rouse the hearts of the voting population. That being said, I believe this should change the way we think during campaign season.

Assigning politicians to specific colors should be normalized and even required because colors are pretty, no one legitimately likes boring facts nowadays, and the concept of a

candidate having “platforms” is dumb—why would they want women’s shoes anyways?

First and foremost, we all love pretty colors on our social media feed, and my biggest problem with this campaign season is how not a single candidate chose my favorite color (purple) to represent them.

This in itself says a lot to me about how Filipino politicians make decisions, and it makes me genuinely scared for the future of our beloved nation. They really missed out on the superiority and sheer coolness of violet.

Not just that, but campaign materials filled with blocks of text should be a thing of the past. I cannot think of a single sane person willing to read such an abomination. But if it is a cool infographic with a pleasing layout, I might give it a read.

See? That is what modern campaigning should be about.

Politicians need to focus on drawing the attention of

potential voters through our aesthetic senses—not by trying to appeal to our “logic”. Trust me, a Halloween-themed poster would be so much more interesting than a chock-full-of-text one boasting non-existent achievements.

Most importantly, one’s platforms do not define a candidate at all in this day and age. Platforms also refer to a kind of women’s shoes, and you and I both know if anything is remotely linked to femininity, it is a huge red flag in the context of politics. Sun Tzu in The Art of War says it all: “Women do not make for good leaders periodt.”

“We should vote based on what our heart tells us, not whatever ‘facts’ are present to ‘educate’ us.”

So how do we know their plans for our country? Just trust them!

The candidates should know what they are doing—why would they run otherwise, right? No one needs a diploma to sign laws into place; just get them a nice G-Tec pen. And, well, if they have no background in politics at all, then… they can learn. It

is all about working together and giving people chances, they say. Our country’s future is not that much at risk—all is well!

My main point: let the basis of yourdecisionbetovoteforthe color that you like the most.

If no one adopted your favorite color, then that is a good enough reason to skip the elections entirely and not vote at all.

For some boring people out there who might argue otherwise and say “cOmPeTeNcE iS mOrE iMpOrTaNt”, you definitely do not know what you are talking about. I have done so much research online, watched millions of helpful videos on Youtube, and scrolled through hours of Tiktok, and I can confidently say competence does not matter.

We should vote based on what our heart tells us, not whatever “facts” are present to “educate” us. And if you found yourself agreeing with that, then you have missed the point of this entire article.

Xx is a crime-fighting superhero who prioritizes saving dogs over humans and abhors the worst evil of all: NFTs. The tradeoff to their powerful abilities is that before they resolve a conflict, they have to first experience a minor inconvenience every single time.

POLITICAL WHOREFARE

“Vladussy I am disappointed in you”

By May U. Resinpees

It’s an indisputable fact that the internet is a cruel but funny place. But a cross between these two aspects ultimately ends in a catastrophe, especially when serious situations are taken out of context—and the internet always, always takes things the wrong way at the worst possible times.

Point proven when President Vladimir Putin announced that the massive, nuclearpowered Russia was waging war with neighboring country Ukraine, and the internet blew up with ‘Vladdy Daddy’ thirst comments. Only Gen Z could muster up the courage to comment “Vladdy Daddy stop war plz” to a Russian d*cktator

as a peace-keeping tactic.

A commendable feat for me, if I must say. Wars and guns are so 1970s; now, it’s the thirsty shameless remarks that best draw the line between warfare and potential loss of life. Bloodshed is unnecessary; we bleed through our foes with salacious insatiable desires.

Moreover, questionable sources say that Vladussy, who once never cared about creating or boosting his social media presence, has now taken into consideration whether he should offer fan service to his growing fanbase. Another questionable report revealed that Gen Z is slowly easing its way up to at least offer some sort of diversion so that Vlad’s attention would be focused on them instead of launching catastrophic nuclear nukes. A generation’s sacrifice shall not be for naught.

One anonymous user claiming to be the head of the ‘Put It In,

Putin’ fandom has disclosed on a viral TikTok post that, “I can change him. I know he wouldn’t do this. I know him better than anyone. The Putin I know would never do this.” Such words sparked controversy; yet the world is looking out unto this brave soul who may be the one to lower down this walking red flag.

However, boomer war veterans have started questioning the peace-keeping tactic of Gen Z on whether or not this would escalate the war if Putin were to be heartbroken—for which love is known to be unfamiliar territory for him. It is absolutely understandable coming from the generation that was neglected

“Bloodshed is unnecessary; we bleed through our foes with salacious insatiable desires.” and unloved to wish to put the newer generations down.

I mean, isn’t this the reason we’re discussing this now?

In turn, Gen Z retorted that a bloodless war is better than that of unnecessary bloodshed.

They also shared how humor

has become a coping mechanism to them in difficult times, so why not weaponize it to at least try and help make the world a better place? Putin is but one man who will inevitably crumble under the power of love.

In the coming months, Gen Z will make its mark in this lifetime; the way of life which succumbs to one’s desires— selfish and irrational. I also see myself as too much of a lover girl to not understand where the kids are coming from. For this, I truly applaud Gen Z. We do not know how things will unfold, but maybe it pays to offer humor in this already rather serious world. We don’t need to make things complicated as it is if we can just brush off petty things like war. We have bigger problems—figuring out what filter makes us look thinner, finding a whole new planet to live on, and especially how to succeed in toppling down the patriarchy by slutting ourselves out.

May aspires to one day transcend all earthly doings and achieve peace as a funeral parlorist. However, she abhors the normal ‘RIP’ headings for graves and tombstones and instead advocates for ‘Dasurv’ as the appropriate replacement.

INFORMED OOFINION

Respect my opinion please

By BiBiMo

Which of the following is an untrustworthy news source: TikTok, your grandparents, or media outlets? If you answered all but the last, then good news for you! News outlets are slanted and biased. Allow me to show you the real deal.

I am here to make your life easier by providing you with the information you need—all of which are based on my personal opinion because that’s how information works nowadays!

First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge Mocha Uson’s initiative of changing and correcting the Philippines’ geological features.

Mayon Volcano is, in fact, located in Naga City rather than Albay

province. If you look at the Philippine map, you will notice that we are located in the middle of the Pacific Ring of Fire, which means that our 1,600 islands (LanyLugaw, 2021) are susceptible to eruptions and spasms from the depths of hell.

To prevent the Mayon Volcano from erupting following its episode last January 2018, and in the name of Bayanihan spirit, Miss Uson, with the power of God and Saitama, effortlessly relocated it for the safety of Albayanos. This move exemplifies how resilient Filipinos are when they put their hearts into something. I would also like to take this opportunity to support and promote Mocha Uson as the new deputy director of the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology. A civil servant like her comes only once every ten thousand years. We need her.

On a different note, Vice President Leni Robredo held

a campaign rally in Negros Occidental on March 11, which drew over 86,000 people, according to x. Well, I beg to differ. The Philippine Arena, the world’s largest indoor arena, can seat over two million people, whereas the Paglaum Sports Complex can only seat four minus two on a good day.

Paglaum Sports Complex does not even appear on Google’s list of the world’s largest outdoor stadiums.

People, stop spreading lies! Do better!

Finally, who are you to say whether Marcos Jr. is a 2001

“There is no cure for this syndrome yet, but you may take pain relievers like truth and acceptance for now.

Milo Little Olympics taekwondo champion or not? It is his own website, people! He has complete freedom to put anything he wants in there. He has exclusive plans and platforms there that only Marcos Jr. is aware of, and his materials are all created with a premium Canva account before being flawlessly edited on Adobe

Photoshop. He is not cheap.

This just goes to show that Marcos is not only a great politician, but also an outstanding athlete, writer, and artist—even better than the likes of Manny Pacquiao, Jose Rizal, and Fernando Amorsolo.

Even if it was a mistake, and the publisher and Marcos Jr. simply miscounted and skipped over some crucial details, we are all human and fallible. Why can’t you forgive if God can? Marcos Jr., like you, is not perfect; he has flaws, but through unity and peace, your candidates can only come in second.

Now, if you believe everything you just read, I have some bad news for you. You have BeyBiEme Apologists Syndrome, a psychological disorder experienced by ardent Marcause fans. Its symptoms include factophobia or a reluctance to accept the truth, intense irritation during arguments, and the sudden urge to spill ad hominem statements when losing an argument. There is no cure for this syndrome yet, but you may take pain relievers like truth and acceptance for now.

BiBiMo always strives to be your number one. He loves and adores you, this country, and its people—but that is all.

5

Cheka to the Editor February 31, 2022 Chiz Miz G. Nagmay Jollibot Fujoshi, The Sputum Lazmols, Lozolda ‘Sup Jollibot Fujoshi, I am Donna T. Kanselmi, News Editor at Soo Lat (yes, the famous Soo Lat). I would like to voice my concerns over the innacuratecies in the article you posted on Pukebook last Dec. 32 about the final “Tumba Patis” rankings during the university’s annual sports fest. Similarly, I want to giv you a quick reality check.

To begin, precision is important in journalism.

It was quite shocked when I found that you’re news lead (not that I was waiting for you to mess up) had hailed “Rein Poll” as the champion instead of “Reign Paul”. I understand the confusion, but that was an oral announcement of the winners; you should have heard the “g”. It takes a keen ear to listen, but it’s nothing short of talent to here silent letters.

Moreover, the game ended on 4 p.m., but you posted the lead at 4:01 p.m.? Time effects news value so you have to be perfect. Do not even begin to think that you are humans-you are robots built to serve the student body!

Also, I’m appalled that you hesitated accepting the request to cover the event. You signed the partnership contract obviously it’s you’re fault for not following it up! Even Soo Lat took up the offer without question; it doesn’t take a genius to knew that you should cover the event even though it was never specified. Is your rest day more important than the student body??

So what if the request was last minute? That’ss how news works. We pay for your pizza and snacks with our tuition but you can’t even do your job!

NonEtheless, I don’t think it’s fair to judge you this early. You’re still just a six-month-old baby publication, so you have a long way to go. Still, I believe that the readers of The Sputum deserve a better news outlet and by bitter, I mean, Soo Lat. Not to compare you to our decade-peat Duhrel Huyap-winning publication, but we report the best news in the entire Lozolda campus.

Well, overall, we’re better compeared to nugus like you. Still, we still hope that you strive to be better in the future. We see that you were aspiring journalists, and it’s an honor for us to hire you’re resigned staff. You can praise us as much as you want; we accept any horn-tooting.

To close off, if this has offended you in any way, shape, or form, I’m not sorry. please respect my opinion. I am neurodivergent and a minor.

Talk soon looser, Donna T. Kanselmi News Editor, Soo Lat Lazmols, Lozolda

6

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

ISKUL ISPYUK

THESPUTUM

A (Hopefully) Once In A Lifetime Photoshoot

SNAP SLAP. Ongoing photoshoots for the once in a lifetime photoshoot portray the beauty of lozolyarns despite the heat. - LOCAL SADBOI by @DEFINITELYODIN

Ah yes, the university almanac— over a hundred pages of paper dedicated to strangers you never interacted with during your whole college life. An absolute

necessity! How else is one expected to remember all those random people you’ve never even met?

Themed “Let the Students Sweat”, the university almanac photoshoot ran from Feb. 29 to Mar. 31, 2002. For some students, the most memorable part would include changing into

their carefully planned outfits at the venue itself as nothing beats trying to put on pants in a cramped stall with wet, muddy floors.

With the university almanac fees exceeding wan melyon pesos for the whole package, everything was expected to go as smoothly as

possible. However, given the rise of COVEED cases, it was decided that hair and makeup would have to be taken care of by the students themselves—a dream come true for those who have to commute to the venue with cakey foundation dripping down their faces.

In response to the complaints lodged by its subscribers about the issue, the university almanac staff advised the students to direct their individual complaints to the President’s Office—of course, since it’s definitely none of their concern anymore whatsoever.

At least the staff decided to hold a virtual kamustahan, where the complainants were met with a gracious decision that granted them a refund of an entire P420 for their hair and make-up concerns.

With the photoshoot held in the blistering heat of the giant oven that is none other than the foodd court, everyone was elated to wait their turn in their sweaty outfits and already makeup-stained masks.

Fortunately, there was a detailed schedule and guidelines as to what was to be done during a subscriber’s designated time, saving them

from completely melting down in the sheer hotness of the venue.

To add to the already unforgettable event, many noted that the photographers were also really great at making the students feel comfortable at all times—everything was nothing but sunshine and rainbows. All university almanac subscribers definitely had a pictureperfect experience and did not feel awkward or rushed at all.

Plus, for an additional payment of a mere P800.85, subscribers who are already dishing out enough cash to pay for over 80 iced coffees could get a dozen more photos in wacky poses that would forever remind them of how sticky and wet they got while capturing their final moments as seniors. However, the staff definitely deserve some credit as they probably did the best they could given the circumstances brought about by the pandemic. Don’t hate the players, they say—hate capitalism.

All that being said, with this year’s university almanac issue breaking through everyone’s expectations so far, it was definitely a sendoff the graduating batch will fondly look back on. Maybe.

Community health break sparks outrage among healthy students

by BABA ALAN-ALANG

Lozolda University (deLozol) students lived out the epitome of their principle that “everyone should always be in pain in order to keep gaining” as they boldly opposed the university’s weeklong community health break via their barkada group chat.

Mashado Mazokista, a 19-yearold incoming second year student of deLozol, bluntly criticized the implementation of the community health break in true jejemon fashion through a thread of group chat messages shared by their circle of friends in hopes of inspiring a revolution against laziness.

“ND q lg magetz ang skul ta guiz kag aton clasm8s kung ngaa ghusto nia magbreak? Ano ghed kng mhie coved haw? Nid ta ya mag study.

Pano nlg q ya mag Suman Cum Laude kron?” Mazokista, gifted with a mental health much stronger than most weak-willed students who can’t finish five measly modules and attend an eighthour-long class schedule in one sitting, said in one of her messages. (“I just can’t understand why the school and our classmates want a break. What’s the big deal in having COVID-19? We need to study. How can I become Summa Cum Laude then?”)

Moreover, Mazokista—who would rather blind herself with late night readings and starve herself keeping up with deadlines than skip class—firmly believes her classmates simply do not share the same burning passion for learning as she does.

Similarly, Nhan Sigue-Patya, a 51-year-old devoted teacher known for bombarding her students with pure tough love, exclaimed: “As a

concerned teacher, I don’t want my students to be bored for one whole week so I gave them a task which [I] promise is not that heavy really—it’s just a 20-page review and analysis paper of a 50-page case study. ‘Di ba?

No pressure. It’s not like they have more important stuff to take care of.

My god, a community health break is such an unnecessary program!”

Apart from this “thoughtful” gift—as her students call it— Sigue-Patya also organized a petition with Mazokista and two of her “achieverist” friends Gigi Tamana and Arayna Co on the third day of the health break, which sought to discontinue its implementation and resume classes on Thursday, Friday, or maybe even Saturday of that week.

“I don’t know where I went wrong [in guiding the students]. Were 50 tasks per module not enough?”

IRONIC HEALTH BREAK. How funny it is that the students are still required to attend classes even if they are having their week-long health break. -SHREK

Sigue-Patya wondered, just as she was reportedly sighted coughing, sneezing, and struggling to breathe while giving her statement.

Dispelling protests against the health break, the school

administrators expressed that they would be willing to discuss Ms. Sigue-Patya and the three students’ petition— but only as soon as the community health break ends.

University Cent Hounds: Rise of the Money Coup

by U/SPF3000 & LALIS AH MANOKAN

ART BY UR SLEEPLESS DAUGHTER

With their watered down iced coffees sloshing haphazardly with every step, Lozolyarn penny-pinchers stormed the university grounds, making sure to enter every office amid the blistering heat so they could fully exploit the utilities from their borderline ridiculous tuition fees.

Registrars and cashiers hastily pull down their blinds, donning Richard-proof armor as they brace themselves for the worst. Right on cue, the demands for liquidation reports and breakdown of expenses grow louder, which could only mean one thing: the University Cent Hounds are here.

Established in 1988, the University Cent Hounds are an elite group of students governed by Richards who share a burning passion for questioning authority and making comprehensive budget plans on millions upon millions of Excel sheets.

Although first semester grades have been released since the early half of January, the student portal’s viewer count never seems to simmer down to anything below 500. It turns out that the Hounds take shifts in scrutinizing each and every statement of account— from the (questionably high) computations down to the last possible decimal place—to check exactly where their parents’ hard-earned money is going.

Just this month, the university witnessed a surge in student visitors as out-of-town Lozolyarns were determined to get their money’s worth.

“I scraped my knee the other day, so I immediately booked a bus to Lozol,”

Sagaynon and Cent Hound President Cory Pot shrugged, explaining that her injury was the perfect opportunity to make use of the university clinic’s medical services.

Bud Jet, a Lozolyarn currently residing in Kabankalan, also chimed in with his experience of taking on a three-hour drive to look up the definition of “loquacious” in the university library. Of course, this makes perfect sense as the library fee—amounting to a staggering P1,283,002—accounts for the largest non-unit expense all bona fide Lozolyarns have to pay.

But wait—the absurdity doesn’t stop there! At one point, the Hounds even hired an actual medium to conduct a séance around Balay Kalinungan after the university’s energy fee reached an all-time high of P6 million.

“There are a lot of spirits roaming around the campus,” the clairvoyant whispered.

According to the medium, the spirits tend to disrupt Lozol’s overall vibe, manifesting them into preprogrammed bots with a gnat’s temper and a menopausal poltergeist’s glare. This then prompted the administration to hire edgy Gen Z’s to assess the university’s “energy” and employ a new pseudo-academic track, the Special Séance Class.

However, despite their insanely frugal nature, the University Cent Hounds aren’t as bad as they seem. The Hounds’ concerns are backed with good intentions, and with the breakdown already provided by the university, it’s ultimately up to us, the students, how we make the most of these tuition fees.

ISKUL ISPYUK

THESPUTUM

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

7

LOZOLYARNS SPYUK

“How will the next COVID-19 variant be discovered?”

Kynah Rhea B. Fuentes If anyone shall reveal the next variant, it is I! I wish not to spoil you, but Lady Whistledown has spoken, and I quote: “The ones we love have the power to inflict the greatest scars. For what thing is more fragile than the human heart?”

Zaldy Mar L. Lavada The grapevine prophesies the comeback of a popstar, ushering COVID’s return–just like how all hell came loose from a certain pink-themed MV. But fear ye not, for streets are saying Grimes and Elon would make banger names for the variant.

Christian Dominic L. Ledesma

Ma. Kristine Joy R. Bayadog

Anna Maria J. Villanueva

Who says it’s discovered? It’s developed. Who knows if it’s currently in the works and the next variant is just one among the list of variants to be released, right? This pandemic is a huge ass MMFF — variants be always in the “coming soon” mode.

Within the realm of nonfungible tokens (NFTs).

Eventually, these NFTs are going to infect gullible tech brothers and take over the world, so when you see an ugly animated monkey sporting different costumes—be careful.

Phoebe Daidoji Q. Jabonete

Josh Aldrich B. Diola

A dancing magical cat casts a spell and curses the whole world with a new variant after being abandoned by its owner.

The owner reports it after discovering the symptoms include being allergic to their favorite food- ice cream

Some self-proclaimed historians cite a dubious prophecy or claim pertaining to doomsday which will probably upset the universe itself due to their brainless ramblings, causing a new variant to actually manifest.

Gabriel M. Lezama

Angela A. Coronel

Clearly the bat soup just needed more seasoning, right? Anyway, to be extra safe, we really should upgrade to full million-peso hazmat suits, because anything else is just mediocrity.

I always knew that the new Covid-19 variant would be from 5G radiation. I always sense a bad aura whenever I’m near those pesky 5G towers.

The consumption of Rabbit Meat is now considered a great alternative; according to people who find pigs more adorable.

People say their roasted carcasses are more savory than pork, must be from the grass drizzled with human sputum.

TGIF? )Teachers Giving SUGAR SAYS: Inug-pasa sa Friday?( Halu, mga mamshie! It’s your gorgeuous—gorgus—gorges… tse! PRETTY teta back again to bring you all the happenings in da world! Porke’t indi na kita face-to-face subong, that doesn’t mean nga mapaulihi ko sa mga chismis. Tita’s always watching bala, mga vaccla!

So ari na, just recently, my hinablos made reklamo to me because of Friday classes. I was like “What’s wrong? Isn’t that a school day, iha?” Then she was like, “Uhh no mamshie, dapat waay kami class kag assignments da as in super duper confirm na gid sang higherups, pati mga tambay outside school gapahuway man grrrr.”

I meeaaan, I super appreciate

the admins for implementing the Friday breaks kay sin-o man bi gusto magsulod klase sa non-class day? But obvious man nga seryoso si nakshi with her super eyeroll and pudagpudag. Hilu, higher-ups? Alert naman diyan, sinetch itey nga mga frenny ta di nga ga intel?

Okey, so sin-o ghed bi no?

Taguon ta nalang siya sa name nga Marimar. Well, according to my junakis, si Teacher Marimar daw “quoted this quotable quote” bag-o matapos iya Wednesday lecture: “See you all on x, mga bagets.”

Shookening galore ang klase eh no? Mayo lang kuno nakamute ang tanan sa meeting kay they were so full

Sure graduates for the school year

NOT

zero or wampipti times two, depending on Putin’s mood

numbers

People who care about you

by the

Source: u/ipisbwithu

by SI RENA

Zero. No one gives a hoot.

Source: Anxiety

Pabuhats Per College

of masasamang words and reklamo. Ikaw lang ang may klase sa Friday, mamsir? What’s more, 7:30 a.m. class pa ini, so sareh nalang kay borlogs ka pa tani no? Clingy much?

Aside from that, extra dalom pagid eyebags ni manenay kay may pahabol pa gali nga mga school werks on that day. Like mygad maluoy ka sissy, gakajumpscare ko ya sa “Deadline: 11:59 PM” notification. Kung abi mo nga makaupod ka sa nomnom sessions niyo sa weekend with your frennies, may ara ka pa ya gali naka schedule na mummy session with a case study due on Sunday. “Happy Friday, have a great weekend!” kuno? Mamsir, maybe we got

Numbers of parcels yet to arrive

≈1.8064

Source: H&M, Bershka, Zara, Shein, Nike

Pending tasks in your Canvas dashboard

2S=∑∞n=12×2−n=1+12 Source: your eyebags

YAL-CBA

3,655

CET

2,863

Source: That one observant kid in the corner a.k.a ang tagabuhat

freeloaders demanding more than they can supply

parasites worse than viruses and broken codes

CON

CAS

CEd

2,934 leeches sucking the blood bank dry

3,426 prima donnas and primo uomos brewing drama

2,921 future teachers practicing how to scold kids

lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, ang Mental Health Break niyo nasugpunan pa sang “down”. Hay, okay ka pa tani.

To those teachers nga kiber lang sa amo ni nga practice, let’s be real—bucket? This has been officially implemented naman so I don’t get why they still want to “violate” this, mga vebs. It’s only an extra day off lang nemen. Both students and teachers deserve this rest day pa ghed, like yeah why not get some martinis and do manipedi with tita, right? Anyway, shoutout na lungs to those teachers who respect our Fridays. Korique ka gid mamzir, tama behavior!

ART BY LYNYUUH

BIASED ang spectrum ! = bias media for kid s kung diin pa ko ya w a l a n a g a s m i l e Gn verify ny u

ni inyo nga source? Spec trum USLS g a amo na ni gali su bong?

gapangb ully ang mga taga spe ctrum

w e n e fak

ano spectr

may galet b kayo saken?

Abi ko eight way dapat r

d o n u s y l t s o M . e u Tr . d n e r t nlg sa

-Cynthia Ma

But they victaibmosu,t the scaafn, never talk massacr yolanda fdengvaxia shoulde..dsmh.. theusnds, luisit o more r e student a esearch. s .

spec trum man pw e t d a e Grabe new b a a s n n i y l wala lega o ba g a n g basihan gl na e w x i n a balandra t a niyo di? time pa

! ! s w

na ang rum haw

Nagaaral nga naman pero mga bobo. Can sum of u please tag them here? I wanna talk to them privately

spectrum pero di abtik

ba ?

mga staff ng spectrum, mg akal a matatal a batang i n o p e r o madaling lo nauuto sa ma kohin. l i n g p a n i n speech daw p i ara makapagwal a. freedom of RANT l ang. w naman naiamb al a ag sa komuni dad.

teen hours?? rest day eh!

ay Lalis

a

journalist pero garestday??

u o y e r o f e b t s s r t i o f i d s i t c d a e ke dogs. f t a e c h u t d e w Kno washed un t nonses li brain barking ou rrassing. start palm), emba (face

s w e n o t s e m m o c u r t t i c e n p e s g wh n a n a h a n u a k ga f i t s e r a g ngaa a t i l a b g n a p e e l s a g y a w

10

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

What would you do if your country was plagued with the burdens of poverty, corrupt officials, and COVID-19? For Koreaboo sweetheart Inday Sarang sunbaenim, the answer is simple: enlist all 18-year-olds in mandatory military service!

With everything going on, nothing proves more effective in combating the virus or addressing the sudden disappearance of government funds than taking away potential breadwinners of impoverished families so they could be a bit more patriotic.

Kids these days, am I right?

Of course, Sarang sunbaenim and her cabinet of multistan Koreaboos had actually put in a lot of effort to come up with this ingenious solution. Since she refuses to explain these plans on a podium herself, here are our interpretations of Sarang’s ulterior motives: Cruising the Hallyu Wave As an avid K-drama fan, Sarang hopes that she, too, could crash land in a foreign place and find her own Captain Ri. But since she already belongs to the world of the married, Sarang can only live vicariously through young women in search of their oppa.

Sarang’s generosity does not stop there however, as her heart of gold also aims to save K-pop stans from the despair that comes with fervently waiting for their bias to return after the military enlistment. Hardcore stans can finally stop holding vigils over their biases’ photocards!

“No wonder Jin still hasn’t enlisted in the army despite nearing his 30s,” a fan in a purple alpaca suit wondered, referring

WAG, DAY

Mansplaining Militia

by LALIS AH MANOKAN

OPPA SARANGHAE. Military enlistment delights the K-pop stans as their dream to find love with a military oppa becomes reality. -INDAYDOJI

to her favorite member’s delayed military enlistment. “He was waiting for me all along!”

Sarang sunbaenim, an empath, knows how it feels to be left out. With that, raging fanboys weren’t excluded from finding their one true love as the sweetheart also promised the appearance of the trending girl group “Unnie Team” after they’ve sworn allegiance to Sarang’s

cause. With their golden visuals, it didn’t take much for the unnies to steal everyone’s hearts— and money—left and right.

Parasocial relationships aside, Sarang sunbaenim stays true to the Korean translation of her name as she emphasizes the greatest romance that encompasses all forms of affection and intimacy: love of country.

Daddy’s girl Growing up, Sarang has always considered herself to not be like other girls, often choosing toy guns over pretty dolls and ultimately getting a nod of approval from her good old misogynistic dad. She and her appa Ddu-du were thick as thieves, as some would call them. They would gush over their love for violence, build

THESPUTUM build build with Legos, and even govern an entire city together with Daddy’s Daebak Slapsticks, a bunch of clowns Ddu-du hired to make citizens die of laughter.

You know, just your usual fatherdaughter bonding experience.

Bottomline is, Sarang adored her dad and dreamed of following in his footsteps.

I mean, who wouldn’t if he successfully vanquished all of the evil drug lords that walked this earth and built an entire country from scratch in just six months? That’s some Superman stuff right there!

Cranking our time machine a few years back, we can recall Ddu-du’s proposition for the revival of this mandatory military service.

However, like any other empty platform without cohesive planning and enough consideration, the idea eventually fizzled out.

So, as the favorite child conditioned to please everyone within their proximity, Sarang decided it was high time to step up and piece together her dad’s shattered dreams: a bunch of kids risking their lives for a country they so badly want to leave. A few tweaks here and there and voila! You’ve got a platform requiring 18-year-olds to serve the Philippines in exchange for an unknown subsidy.

It’s easy to think that this will ruin the ultimate debut party you’ve spent months planning, but look at the bright side! You and your friends can still celebrate your legality with a bang as you down your 18 shots—this time, in a much different context than what you’re used to.

How to Get Your Crush to Like You (It Works!)

Start watching sports.

If you’re smart and dedicated enough, this’ll be a piece of cake for you, sweetie. When I figured out how basketball works, I had all the varsity players lined up behind me because they were so impressed with my insider knowledge. If your target is a fan of games or cars however, then do your research on all the most popular games and the most expensive cars. I swear, you’ll actually find out they’re much more interesting than you thought!

These kinds of hobbies will really challenge you to be intellectual and critical, unlike with sewing or skincare or whatever.

But no matter how much you learn about sports, DON’T ever claim to know more than your crush does! He needs to feel like he’s always the most important one in the room, so while it’s necessary to make yourself sound smart, be careful not to overdo it, yes?

Stop being friends with girls.

This one can be a toughie, but you’ll soon realize that you’re better off without them. Seriously speaking— girls are so dramatic! That’s a major turn off for guys, so you have to learn how to be “one of the boys” in order to get close to Mr. Right. In no time at all, you’ll find yourself in tune with the way their minds work, and since they’ll never be on their period, you don’t have to deal with random drama or bursts of emotion too! Some pro tips: (1) chugging your beer earns you brownie points ART BY JODI JUSKO MARIA with the boys, and (2) you know

by TOTALLY NOT A PICK ME GIRL you’ve made it when you’re the only girl in the friend group (like me!)

Now, a mathematician can’t reveal Ever wondered why your crush Now then, listen up—these are has never noticed you? Why you the 3 S’s that’ll change your all her secrets, so I’ll stop here. You weren’t asked to prom? Why you dating life for the absolute best: have to figure out the rest by yourself, sister! When you’ve mastered the can’t get a boyfriend? It’s cuz you Stay away from all things tips above, you’ll definitely notice weren’t trying hard enough, bestie! “girly”.

Hon, it’s not easy to get a man’s Imagine being a fully grown a big change in your life. You’ll attention. So many females woman and still liking the color pink. have so many guys crushing on complain about being lusted after Cringe! In this day and age, most you, just like you deserve, queen!

The route to being the ultimate chill by men, but isn’t that the ultimate guys don’t want a “girly girl”, so the dream? They say the best way to best way to get them looking at you girl comes with a lot of sacrifices, but their heart is through their stomach, is to stand out from the crowd. With they’re nothing in the face of the best but that’s the advice of a girl without so much competition out there, you prize of all—male validation. As a much experience with actual men. need to make sure no one’s getting parting gift, let me leave you with the A real woman knows how to cater near your man! This includes biggest secret of them all: just don’t to their eyes, their stomachs, and staying as far away as you can from be like other girls. Women like us are even their unconscious desires. frilly stuff like fake nails or—God different. We’re cool girls. We’re hot, That’s where I come in. Don’t forbid—a full face of makeup. fun, and we never get angry at our worry, sweetie, once we’re done, Heavy perfume is a big no-no too men. They don’t need us to think for you’ll have all the boys wrapped (natural sweat already emits man- ourselves or have our own opinions.

All you have to do is be a pretty around your pinky finger. As attracting pheromones), although the official Cool Girl of my allkitchen jokes get a pass since they little doll for them—just how male friend group, I can confirm! usually get the boys laughing. the patriarchy would want it.

ART BY ESQUISSEZ-MOI

WAG, DAY

THESPUTUM

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

11

Kissing Ass 101 Corporate Edition

by THAT GUY ERIC

Welcome to the corporate world—the arena of competitive job interviews, where every move is calculated to please hiring managers. In these scenarios, it is important to show drive and passion backed up with an evergleaming portfolio full of past works, recommendations, and experiences… …Or you could do it the easy way and pucker those lips, because it is time to kiss a lot of ass!

Here are a few ways on how to ace that cutthroat job interview: 1. Familial Bonds - Good Old Nepotism Is your higher-up a family friend? Maybe a tita you barely look at during get-togethers?

Great, because now they will do all the work by playing the friendship card or even putting in a good word for you, which the boss will have to adhere to no matter what. What comes next is you passing a blank resume and beating every cum laude applicant just because tita said so.

In case they don’t budge, find someone in your boss’s family to get chummychummy with or even date if you’re willing to do that.

If your own blood doesn’t work, then try theirs.

Hell, to take it a step further, if you mention that your relative’s friend is engaged to the next possible president of the Philippines, they can do nothing but accept that you are the ultimate candidate. After all, if someone like you has (incredibly distant) relations with a big name, then you have to be someone important, right?

2. Blackmailing - The Art of Making Your Own Puppet Assuming that the boss happens to be someone you have a lot of dirt on, then the

universe has now bestowed upon you the role of being their walking timebomb. Make them keel over in fear as you threaten to reveal every little secret they have. The big boss will have to helplessly follow your every request; else he’s metaphorically leaving himself open in front of an oncoming train.

It is amazing how utilizing fear and shame can carry you through the workplace. Bonus points if you actually have good works to show for it, since it will gaslight their minds into thinking you are no longer a threat, and this essentially gives you a free lapdog all the time.

3. Pavlovian Conditioning You Are Money Even before applying, try to start up relations outside of your boss’ working hours.

Every time you talk to them, remind them of how hard you guys worked together during 7th grade algebra, so that every time they think of you, they associate you with the “hardworking nerd kid” and boom, you’re hired.

Although it requires preparation, it is a potent method. When the dogs hear the bell, they salivate, and when the top dog hears your name, they see money.

With these methods, you can rest easy knowing that all the other top notch, one-in-amillion candidates have nothing on you. Even as you apply to get in, the company will be so convinced of your ability that they may just hand you a high position on a silver platter.

After all, with all the forced familial bonds, blackmailing, and conditioning, they would have more to lose by rejecting you, and we all know corporations certainly wouldn’t want to miss the chance to make more money.

PHOTO BY LOCAL SADBOI

Chronicles of the King: Huffin’ and Puffin’ to the Top

by DI MO BIBI

While being quirky can be a talent, is it really worth P2 million in a talent show? Well, the answer became crystal clear when Pilipinas Got Money (PGM) Season 6 contender “Tyoy Ramon” received four yeses from the judges after a lung-wrenching vape act.

No, he did not make the auditions a pity party using a brokenfamily-missing-sibling or I-haveto-support-my-own-educationbecause-nobody-else-will type of stint. He was more than that.

According to him, he was diagnosed with aerophylitis, a condition that limits his ability to breathe freely because of severe lung inflammation.

He had to undergo multiple surgeries to acquire a third lung because ostensibly, doctors said it was the only chance he had in order to live.

“After a handful of surgeries, I decided that I should put my third lung to use. I thought of joining PGM to inspire people from all over the world with my one-of-a-kind story,” he shared. What a bizarre way to flex a medical condition!

A month after his last surgery, he opted to hire a professional vaper to train him for PGM auditions. He felt like a superhuman considering his three lungs would give him premium access to 10 hours each of non-stop

inhaling and exhaling if he willed. He compiled must-watch videos of vape tricks on U-tube and TicTac and even mastered Demon Slayer breathing techniques to make sure things went well during auditions. A few of his notable training activities were taking naps underwater and blowing inside a hot air balloon to maintain its flight.

Then audition day came. The hopeful contender went by the name “Vape King”—he thought it suited him best. “I could not believe my eyes when I saw him vaping shapes non-stop. I almost believed they were DIY cotton smokes,” judge Rubin Gandanghari professed.

Among the thousands of auditionees that tried their luck, only 28 were chosen to compete in the semifinals. Tyoy Ramon was one of the lucky ones who made the list, bringing only courage and three lungs to the table.

However, during one of his performances, something terribly went wrong. He, unfortunately, ran out of vape pods to puff. And when he tried to slide his way back to composure with another sob story, the judges just weren’t convinced. But with one final huff and a loud sob— almost like that of a wailing siren— he immediately enchanted them.

“I know I wasn’t the best, but I told the judges it would be rare to encounter a contestant with a condition like mine. I had to cry and

beg to make it to the next round.

My lungs didn’t disappoint. Judges finally gave in. Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” he remarked. Interestingly, when asked about the hospital that operated on his third lung surgery, Vape King refused to answer.

Unsurprisingly, Tyoy Ramon came through to the finale, but his PGM journey ended as one of the Top 3 finalists after a contestant used her watermelon-sized bazookas to smash just about everything, nabbing the P2 million and the title of Season 6 Grand Winner. For him, his chances of getting in were like fitting a body through a needle’s hole, much less his chances of making it to the finals. But he made it. Thanks to his brand-new lung.

It’s quite funny what people are willing to do only to entertain four rich people sitting on the judging chairs baiting P2 million on the table.

Some auditionees somersaulted, bent their backs, rapped non-stop, and others were even prepared to catch knives with their bodies just to get as close to the cash prize as possible.

The competition was a sh*tshow meant for bored puppeteers.

However, if you’re thinking about joining a contest, don’t worry about being talented. You just have to draft your best appeal-to-pity story like what the Vape King did.

Who knows, you might be the next millionaire—no questions asked.

PULA Sa tion sang eleksyon, sa diin mo PUTI ipusta imo bwas damlag?

ASENSADO Taga-bulsa kwarta

Josten Beber “Jolbee” Beeguzman

PROGRESIBO

VS

Baby Aling “Bling” Villeonardueva “Halong sa Booming Baby ko, lods!”

“Jolbee the change”

Taga-plano liga

Cesarean Disbaña

VS

“Para sa Bacolod ako bumabangon”

Taga-lead sang zumba

Grej Nell “Bruno GG” Glorendo “The acidity? Basic bish?

Neutral ta di ya!”

Taga-bulsa kwarta

Taga-plano liga

Drelseed Famitiaran “Todo serbis, h*e!”

VS

Taga-lead sang zumba

Dimmalie Rose “D-Rose” Catayde “New girl on D block”

12

FELIPE-KNOWS

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

THESPUTUM

Guinea pig stage: Tatapusin mo o tatapusin ka?

SOMBRERO NG TAGUMPAY. Sa wakas, maaari nang suotin ng Kiki-12 lab rats ang kanilang graduation cap bilang simbolo ng kanilang pagkilala at tagumpay mula sa pagtitiis ng ilang taon sa bagong sistema ng edukasyon sa Pinas. -QUEWAII

by DI MO BIBI Eto na! Sa tinaon-taong pagtitiis sa eskwela gawa ng bagong pangedukasyong sistema’t sinabayan pa ng tatlong taong online classes, graduate ka na sa wakas. Makakaahon din sa pagiging guinea pigs.

Ang pagsimula Taong 2012 nang unang inilunsad ang programang Kiki-12. Ito ay ipinatupad sa ilalim ng administrasyon ni Papa P-thoi na naglalayong baguhin ang sistema ng edukasyon sa Pilipinas upang

malamangan natin ang Mars bilang pinakamatalinong planeta sa daigdig.

Inaagiw na ang antigong kurikulum at dahil nga ang motto ng sandaigdig ay “No state left behind”, gumalaw-galaw na rin ang Pederasyon ng Edukasyonavility upang ipasailalim ang bansa sa Kiki12. Tamad na ang mga magulang sa pag-antabay sa kanilang mga anak sa eskwela kaya laking pasasalamat nila na nariyan ang pederasyon upang antabayanan, obserbahan,

at pag-aralan ang mga guinea pig.

Ang kinahinatnan Ayon sa source na si G. Wiki Pedya, malaki ang maiaambag ng bagong kurikulum sa bansa sapagkat maitataas nito ang kalidad ng talino ng mga pinag-aaralang kunihelyo. Ang tanging problema lamang ay paiigsihin rin nito ang buhay nila gawa ng presyon, istres, at gabundok na aralin. Maaari lamang silang magtagal ng hanggang tatlong taong intelligence immunity.

Ngunit sa mga nagdaang taon simula ng ipinatupad ang programa, tila napagiiwanan na ang unang pangkat ng mga kaedad nilang nakahabol pa sa huling taon ng lumang kurikulum. Sa edad na 22 o 23, yung iba ay may asawa’t mga anak na samantalang ang guinea pigs ay dinaig pa ang mga nagpapadedeng nanay dahil sa kaliwa’t kanang deadlines.

Walang ibang kinolekta ang mga mag-aaral kundi eyebags at depresyon kakalunod ng sarili sa online classes.

Beh, di afford ng nag-iisang brain cell natin ang beauty rest o bakasyon. Kahit anim na oras na tulog nga ay ‘di afford!

Naantala na nga sa taon ng pagtatapos, hinadlangan pa ng online learning. Baka imbes na maging mahusay ang mga mag-aaral ng kursong engineering, nursing, at education ay baka umasa na lang kay Google ‘pag nagkataon dahil kulang sila sa on-site na karanasan at pagsasanay.

“Hindi kabiguan ang inimplementang programa, medyo lang. Dapat nga ay matagal na itong inumpisahan para mas naging handa at depressed ang mga mag-aaral ng bansa.

Gustomoyorn? Masyado nga tayong huli eh,” ayon kay DepEd research analyst na si Gng. Marites Batumbakal.

Masyado yatang nakampante ang kagawaran sa binuong programa at ganoon na lamang sila kapositibo sa kanilang mga pahayag. Di yata nila na-comprehend sa balita na pinakahuli at napakababa ng resulta ng Pilipinas sa ginawang pagsusulit ng Programme for International Student Assessment sa reading comprehension. Napaghahalataan

tuloy tayong boplaks kasi suki tayo ng online bardagulan, tagapagkalat ng memes sa timeline, at tagalako ng clickbait posts na fake news ang laman.

Ang pagtatapos Walong taon makalipas ang paglunsad ng Kiki-12, magtatapos na ang unang pangkat ngayong buwan ng Mayo at nangangahulugan lamang ito ng pagtatapos ng guinea pig experiment. Nagpapasalamat man ang marami na maranasan ang buhay ng pagiging galang kunihelyo, meron pa ring iba na dismayado sa kinalabasan.

“Ga-gradweyt na nga lang akong ineksperimentuhan, ga-gagradweyt pa akong produkto ng online class.

Akalain mo yun, swimming na nga lang sa P.E, online pa. Napilitan tuloy akong lumangoy sa sahig kahit walang tubig,” daing ni Annie Mow Lasang, estudyante ng isang malaking unibersidad.

Kung praktikalidad ang paguusapan, pasang-awa ang Kiki-12.

Kung ang pagiging mabisa nito ang tatanungin, di rin naman masyadong makakapa ang sagot. Sapagkat mas napagastos ang mga magulang sa mga bayarin sa eskwela at naantala ang pag-unlad ng kapasidad ng mga mag-aaral na napasailalim sa ipinatupad na kurikulum.

Sa konklusyon ng eksperimento, mas marami pa yatang naipon na konsumisyon at utang ang mga magulang at mag-aaral kesa sa mga araling hindi naman lahat magagamit sa bandang huli. Good luck na lang sa sunod na grupo ng mga guinea pig!

Sigaw ng mga nadaya ng PelSizt: Hustisya!

by CHIZ MIZ G. NAGMAY

Pagkakakilanlan—isang katibayan kung sino tayo. Kung kaya’t para makakuha ng ID o identification card, kailangan muna ng isa pang ID bilang pruweba.

Mahirap na baka nagpapanggap lang na tao, hayop pala.

Sa ultimong rason naudyok ang mga awtoridad na i-utos ang paggamit ng People Licensing System o PeLSizt ID na siyang nag-iisang ID na may B612 beauty filter. At dahil bihira lamang ang ID na pwedeng makapili ng filters sa litrato, milyun-milyong Pilipino ang agad-agad dumagsa upang makakuha ng PeLSizt.

Sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari ganunpaman, iba’t-ibang hinaing ang nagsilabasan patungkol sa ID na ito: Sino ‘to? Magagamit ba ‘to? Aasa pa ba sa wala? Ang ID na inaasamasam ng lahat ay wari’y naging isang masamang bangungot sa karamihan.

Handang-handa akong maghintay Isang suliraning kinakaharap ng publiko ukol sa PeLSizt ay ang matagal na paghihintay dito, kung saan

nabagot ang iba sapagkat mahigit 365 na araw na ang nakalipas, ngunit ni anino ng ID ay hindi mahanaphanap. Aba’t sandali, isang taon lamang ang palugit ng gobyerno.

Maging ang talento sa paghihintay ng propesyunal waiter na si Huinta Yin ay sinubok ng PeLSizt ID. Aniya, ang kanyang kadalubhasaan ay sumibol noong 2020 matapos siyang i-ghost ng ka-date sa Tonder sa mismong araw ng pagpaparehistro niya ng PeLSizt ID. Dumaan ang dalawang taon at naghihintay parin siyang dumating ito.

“Makakahintay ako, pero hanggang kailan? ‘Yan ang hindi ko alam,” galit na pahayag ni Huinta.

Bintang Benta Habang may mga pinalad ng maagang pagdating ng PelSizt, dismayado pa rin sila nang matuklasan nilang hindi maganda ang kanilang kuha, taliwas sa ipinangakong edit ng PelSizt. Si Ben Ta, isang online seller, ay umasa na magagamit niya ang ID upang maiverify ang kanyang ShopHere

by PALIEVOGUE

account. Gayunpaman, hindi ito makumpirma ng system dahil hindi raw niya kamukha ito.

“First time kong mapagkamalan na catfish. Nani? Sa pogi kong ‘to, kambal ko kaya si Sseshomaru!”

Habang malaki ang pinsala nito sa kanyang kabuhayan bilang isang tagabenta ng litrato ng mga paa ng manok o chicken feet, naghain na lamang si Ben ng report at request, na siyang hindi pa napupuna ng mga awtoridad ng ShopHere.

Totoo ba ito? Ako ba ito?

May iba naman na umaabot hanggang sa sukdulan dahil dito. Sa katunayan, isang hand model

na nagngangalang Inna Mough ang dinala sa hukuman ng “Truffles does RATio”, matapos nitong suntukin ang isang delivery man dahil sa kanyang litrato.

Ayon sa biktima, sinunggaban siya ng galit na Mough ng isang ala-Pacquiao na uppercut matapos nitong madiskubre na iba ang filter sa kanyang ID. Sa kasamaang palad, pinanigan pa ni dating chef at host Idle Remy Truffles ang biktima.

Giit nito, dapat doon siya nanuntok sa mismong opisina ng PelSizt.

“Bunny yung gusto ko, bakit biglang naging aso? I want a retake,” demanda ni Mough. Subalit, dahil mayroon siyang kaso ng assault laban sa delivery man ay pinagdetain muna siya ng pulisya.

Itong mga nasabing pangyayari ay maaaring bunga lamang ng kamalasan o simpleng kawalangbahala at kakulangan sa training ng mga opisyales sa paglalagay ng mga filters, pero malaking suliranin ito para sa mga tao.

Ika nga sa kasabihan, “Kapag walang pasensya si Majoha, pakpak lang ng manok ART BY CAMPUS NERD (NGKSP) ang kanyang makukuha.”

Ilang Sinehan, Inagiw noong Pasko?

by DINIO QUILALAH

PHOTO BY INDEI NAKO

Madilim.

Malamig.

Tahimik.

Ito ang tipikal na bumubungad sa mga manonood sa tuwing pumapasok sila sa sinehan. Ngunit sa araw ng pasko taong 2021, tila ata may kakaiba pang karagdagan sa tagpong ito liban pa sa mga dekorasyong pampasko—mga agiw.

Hindi alam ng mga tauhan ng Medyo Meh Film Festival (MMFF) kung nahuli ba ang mga sinehan sa pagdiriwang ng Halloween o sadyang mayroon lamang sumabotahe sa kanilang premiere day. Kung kaya, inalam ng Mga Nanghuhuli sa Daan Authority (MNDA) ang puno’t dulo nito.

MMFF laban kay Bb. Rona Una sa mga katauhang hinagilap ng MNDA ay si Bb. Rona na siyang nagpalaganap ng isang nakakahawang sakit sa kaMaynilaan nito lamang nakaraang taon sa pamamagitan ng isang virus. Ayon kay MNDA chief Ceelin Chewables, isa sa mga maaaring rason kung bakit niya ito ginawa ay dahil sa pagiging isip kolonyal nito, yamang masugid na tagahanga ng mga dramang pang-Tsino si Bb. Rona.

Madalas din daw nitong minamaliit ang mga pelikulang Pinoy kahit na patok pa ang mga ito sa takilya.

Sa depensa naman ni Bb. Rona, walang sapat na basehan si Chewables sa kaniyang mga paratang. Tungkol naman sa sinasabing pagiging basher niya ng Pinoy films, sinaad ni Bb. Rona na: “Ang childish naman nung prank na iyon! Kung ako lang, mag-mamake na lang ako ng mas malalang variant ng inispread kong sakit last year.”

MMFF laban kay Gagamboy Isa pa sa mga hinihinalang may gawa ng karumal-dumal na

pananabotahe sa mga sinehan ay si Gagamboy. Dahil hindi nalalayo sa kaniyang kapangyarihan ang kasangkapang ginamit sa pananabotahe; takda na ito na sya nga ang salarin ayon kay Chewables.

Liban pa rito, may isa pang anggulong tinitignan ang MNDA— ang pagkaantala sa pagpapalabas ng Spider Mom: Always at Home sa bansa.

Tugon ni Gagamboy sa isyu, hindi naman daw pareho ang sapot na kaniyang inilalabas sa ginamit na agiw sa mga sinehan. Gayunpaman, pinatotohanan niya na mayroon siyang tampo sa MMFF dahil sa delay na idinulot nila sa inaabangan niyang palabas. Reklamo pa ni Gagamboy: “Aanhin ko ‘yang movie na may mag-ateng sinapian ng demonyo?

Makaka-relate ba ko dyan?”

MMFF laban sa sarili Dahil sa kawalan ng iba pang suspek, itinigil na ng MNDA ang imbestigasyon.

Subalit, mahigit kalahati lamang ng kita kumpara sa nagdaang taon ang nakamit ng MMFF at maaaring ang pananabotahe ang sanhi nito.

Upang makumpirma ang hinala, nagtanong-tanong ang pamunuan ng sinehan sa mga tapos nang manood ng palabas. Karamihan sa kanila ay dismayado sa kalidad ng mga pelikula habang ang ilan naman ay umaasang mapapanood na ang pinakabagong Spider Mom na pelikula sa lalong madaling panahon. Ikinabigla naman ng MMFF ang tugon ng mga manonood.

Dahil dito, napagtanto ng MMFF at MNDA na wala sa mga agiw ang kasalanan. “Akala namin ay may nanabotahe na sa film fest,” saad ni Chewables. “Tila yata nasa kalidad ng mga palabas talaga ang problema.”

THESPUTUM

DAKS (KABA?) NWA

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

13

Bardagulan parte basura: Hala bira, baby!

by PALIEVOGUE Mga gwapo, gwapa, kag tanan nga yara sa tunga, gina-abiabi kamo diri sa nagapanguna nga palagwaon sa matahum kag all smiles nga siyudad sang Bacolod. Sa bahin sang Grupo Pamulitiko, bigote ni Papa B nga mas nami pa kurti sa kilay ni balwarti: Kapitan Bang! Diri naman sa pihak nga bahin, ang pambato sang Grupo Agrabyado gikan ika-tatlo nga distrito, STL lider sang Norte: batumbakal Alibaba!

Makapalanindog balahibo ang tapungolay sang duwa, pero ano ang gina-awayan? Basura, mga inday kag toto! Amo ini ngaa ginatudlo halin pagkabata tubtob pagkatigulang nga ihaboy ang basura sa insakto nga basurahan, para indi pag-awayan sang mga kandidato ang inyo opisyo! Te? Ready na bala ang mga luwag nga inugbagting sa buli sang kaldero? Bomba, Marilou!

“Kabalo kamo ano ang matuod? Si Ali-babes talang-talang, nagataghol sa sala nga kahoy! Kay man, wala tupa ang iya solid waste management plan,” tikal ni Kapitan Bang samtang gina-upper cut ang sag-ang ni Alibaba.

Paagi sa opisina sang chismis pampubliko, nahitabo ang ini nga sugilanon sang Enero 19. Apang,

mas paspas pa kay balasubas ang balos ni Alibaba sa pinamulong ni Kapitan Bang sa sunod nga adlaw.

“Nugay ka dira kay wala ka sang virtual debate ta nga duwa. Ang imo ginapahambog sa akon puro kabutigan, wala basihan, nagapatalang, kag layo sa kamatuoran!” galagapak nga sipa ang nagtupa sa butod nga tiyan ni Kapitan Bang.

Sa baylo, sunod-sunod nga dukol ang naangkon sang tangkugo ni Alibaba halin kay Kapitan Bang dungan sang sabat sini: “Pabugal mo sang 2016 nami-nami plano mo para masolusyunan ang problema sa paghaboy sang basura paagi sa pagpatindog sang pasilidad nga waste-toenergy. Waste of energy guro! Para sugiran ta ka, indi pa ya ako ang baskugan nga lider sang siyudad sang amo to nga tinion!”

Mga mars, ari ang tea ni Kapitan: parente ni Alibaba ang alkalde sang tiempo 2016! Matuod bala ini?

Ihanda ang pagpadalundon sang tubig kay nagsabat diri si Alibaba.

Maka-wow sa pow ang sapar ni Alibaba sunod sang tira sini kay Kapitan sa likod pagkatapos ipabalo kay Kapitan Bang nga isa siya ka energy consultant. Dugang ni Alibaba, imbes nga debatehan ang ini nga isyu sang nanligad, nahimo na lang ato nga talk show bangud no show si Kap! Bag-o pa makatikang si Kapitan Bang—

wala bala ginpusdakan ni Boy Chansing nga tagpalamati ang ala-pandesal nga nawong ni Alibaba. Suno sa iya, ang inisyatiba para sa basura ni Alibaba isa lang sa madamo nga proyekto nga ila gakabatunan sa opisina, apang sang nagpirmahanay sang ceremonial commitment, parente lang ni Alibaba ang nagpirma kag nagtestigo para diri; kung amo nga nangita sila ni Kapitan iban bangud timprano pa ini nangghost.

Sang wala madugay, mas dasig pa sa pagmove on ang balos ni Alibaba para ipakigbato ang iya balatyagon.

“Bisan wala label sang una, ginpresenta ko ang proyekto para sa ikaayo sang tanan. Ka- SA PULA SA PUTI. Giyera sibil gin suguran ni Kapitan Bang kag Batumbakal Alibaba sa atubangan assuming sinyo kung abi sang New Government Center sa Bacolod. -QUEWAII niyo gin-imbitar lang Sa pagbilin bars sa first round, amo man lider sang nagsugod ang ceremonial kamo para madugangan ang kulang commitment, apang wala nanumpa ang ang tugaplak n i Kapitan Bang sa garagumo samon mga basura. Pero ang pagmga kaupod sini bangud wala siya mismo nga halambalon ni Alibaba: “Indi aprub sang pagpanugda sini ara nagtambong. Isa pa, bastante ang legal basis managhol kung indi ka man lang kakagat.” na to sa kamot mo sang una, Kap!” Igapadayon sa masunod sini para ipatigayon ang proyekto, kung tampa ni Alibaba sa Kapitan. mga hitabo… galing indi lang gid gusto ni Kapitan. nga Dugang niya pa, si Kapitan na ang

For Sale: Boto

by JOJOWAIN

Yari naman ako subong nagasinghot yab-ok sang dalan Luzuriaga.

Panas ang mga pedestrian lane, ‘te kadang-kadang kag dalagan naman ang hampang ko upod sang nagalagsanay nga kargador sang SKG Shopping Plaza kag ang batang hamog sang BCD— sadya gid ni! Pamatyagan siguro sang bata paskwa pa; napuno na ang siyudad sang nanari-sari nga duag sang campaign tarpaulins.

Tam-an gid kapisan sang mga kandidato mangampanya subong, nauna pa sila sa campaign period. Pila naman ini aton kuluwaon sa Mayo man?

Updi ninyo ako abi sa sulod sang Boto De Oro (BDO) kay kadamo diri pwede ginansyahan basta open-minded ka lang.

Una nga tanyag ni Banker: P250.

Kulang pa inog bakal kalan-on sa isa ka adlaw pero kung pasagod ka man lang, may pang-tahor ka na para sa apat ka tuig! Deal or No Deal? No deal anay! Banker, higher!

Sunod ang nagakisil nga P500.

Ginpanagtag ini sang kontra ni “Candidate#250”. Tsakto naman ang presyo: Ma-shade ka lang, may kinyentos ka na—ez money amarite? Kung apat inyo botante sa balay, luwas na ang inyo pagkaon para sa isa ka semana. Tapos na, hulat naman sunod nga eleksyon.

Deal or No Deal? Bahala ka.

May yara man sang nagatagingting

nga P1,000. Lapad pa imo ngisi kay Escoda ay? Sarang ka na magbakal sang pormada kag magpapicture sa babaw Ayala. Indi lang magkumod kung asta tuhod naman baha sa imo kusina ha. Deal na? Taas diba standards mo. Siyempre kay may progreso kag asensado man ang Bacolod, may mga in-kind offer man si Banker para sopistikado. Diretso panagtag bugas, groceries, T-shirts, kag food packs. Oh diba? Indi ka na magpamerkado—at your service sila!

Mahuya na lang ang bilin nga relief goods sang Odette sa ila mga giho.

Suno kay alyas Budang, isa sa mga on-duty nga Marites, pyramid scheme ang ginausar sang mga politiko sa siyudad. Tagsa ka barangay lider may nakatoka nga mga klaster nga may apat tubtob lima ka mga purok. Ang komposisyon angay sa pyramidal vortex kung sa diin manghagda sila sang mga pumuluyo paagi sa paghatag P200 asta P500 para ibakal “kape”. Baw! Daw sobra pa kamo ya sa Starbucks no?

Dayon, kay tungod technologicallyadvanced man aton mga kandidato—biskan pirmi under maintenance ang ila website—nagagamit na sila electronic fund transfers parehos sang Gcash, PayMaya, kag PayPal. Ini tungod ang mga e-wallets wala pa ginadumilian sang COMELEC kag indi madala sa audit suno sa memorandum sang COA. Amo gid na basta BDO—they find ways!

May ara man sang mga nagaparaffle, summer party, kag nagahatag libre nga ticket sa Magikland para makatipon sang mga pamatan-on. Bilangbilang ya, asensado!

May nagahatag man vacation package sa iya mga tagapamahala agud makaululupod sila istorya sang mga plano sa eleksyon. Pwerte nga progreso! Battle Royale lang ang eleksyon sang mga bilyonaryo.

Sa subong, galapnang man ang mga hutik-hutik kung pila gid ang mabatunan sang mga pumuluyo sa maabot nga pinili-ay.

“Bisan P250 lang na ya kung halos patyon ko na lawas ko para may kalan-on sa matag-adlaw, makapiyan-piyan na. Kung sin-o may pinakadako hatag, ‘te siya eh.

Mapakaon ko na sang prinsipyo haw? Mas may kwaon pako sa kutso-kutso,” sugid ni Budang samtang gabuslo iya bibig.

Nakahangop man kuno ang mga pumuluyo sang siyudad nga ang bayad sa ila reserba na ini sa pagpakay-o sang guba nga dalan sa ila tagsa ka barangay, sa pangdugang sa gin-cut sa ila 4Ps, kag sa pagbakal salbabida kung magbaha asta liog sa Lacson kag Araneta. Sulit katama!

‘Te mabalik ta kay Banker para sa sabat. Ikaw ya, pila baligya mo sang imo bwas-damlag kay e-Gcash na nila ASAP. Char!

5 Absolutely Factual Truths about Bacolod City

by MA TSU DUN SEER We all know and love our City of Smiles—from the fountain-turnedpublic-swimming-pool of Negros Occidental High School to the sidewalk vomit near Art District. But, even as a Bacolodnon born and raised here, there may be things you might have missed about Inasal Central.

Bacolod City: Origins When Muslim raiders invaded the coastline in the mid 1700s, the local warrior Don Juan Julio San Miguel Corporation Bacolod himself fought against the hoard of imperialists alone for three fortnites, prompting our trash-talking forces to retreat to a more hilly area which eventually became Brgy. Granada. Legend says that the taste of glory is celebrated with each bottle of San Miguel Bacolodnons pop open. Based and Negros-pilled.

The ‘Thing’ under Capitol Park & Lagoon Speaking of sugar, the main reason as to why it is the largest and most important industry in this province is because of our responsibility to ship massive amounts of sugar underneath the body of water in Capitol Park & Lagoon. Remember the puffed rice being sold to feed the fishes? That determines ‘its’ rumbling demand. Onlookers can witness the golden carabao statue as he primes his gaze towards the large shadow amid the chilling, still waters. Its hunger needs to be satiated.

Halandumon Tower Emergency Safety Defense Despite the criticisms posed against the newest tourist eye candy endowed to our city, the Halandumon Tower is not actually overpriced! Its staggering cost of P43,000,420 is partly for its innocuous design, natural disaster defense, as well as its capability to launch intercontinental ballistic missiles at anything that threatens our dear town. This technological feat is also adorned with a storm defense, acting as a provincial umbrella and allowing our schools to conduct classes even under Signal No. 3. Gotta fulfill that potential!

Twitter Drama As with every other good thing in life, the City of Smiles was engulfed in the clutches of Twitter, resulting in the cancellation of this year’s awaited MassKara festival when the politically correct blue check marks called out our “racism” through the use of the n-word—Negros. Sorry, I guess?

Interesting Population Metrics According to a definitely reliable source, Wikipedia actually noted down every person in Bacolod! In their “List of people from Bacolod” page, a whopping record of 56 people can be seen. Three is a crowd but 56? Now that’s a city!

So, learn anything new? You better. That was a threat. Anyways, remember that when the walls of social interaction start to close onyou,you have these fun little nuggets of trivia to keep the awkwardness at bay.

Pinaka-una nga Disney waterpark, ginpatukod sa pungsod

by ITTO MOON

Kalingawan kag labi na ang dugang nga patubig ang ginapaabot sang mga pumuluyo sang Bacolod sa pinaka-una nga waterpark nga ipatukod sa siyudad sa idalum sang Walt Disney World Resort sini nga ika-kinse sang Mayo.

Ang pagatawgon nga Disney’s Aqua Fury ang ginaplano nga ipatindog matapos gin-paidalom sang kumpanya nga Disney

ART BY CAMPUS NERD (NGKSP)

ang PRIMECIWA, isa ka joint venture (JV) sang mga water utility companies sa Bacolod, bilang ila supplier sang tubig naglingad nga tuig.

Ginpatigayon ini matapos isulong ang privatization sang Bacolod City Wala Agas (BACIWA) District paagi sa PrimeWater nagligad 2020, kung diin gintingwaan nga makaagom ang siyudad sang mas dako nga suplay sang katubigan kapin na sa tonelada nga kinahanglanon sang waterpark.

Ambit sang marketing team sang Disney, ang paalabuton nga waterpark ang mangin “thrilling” tungod sa nanari-sari nga mga water rides sini, kung sa diin posible nga mahubsan tubig ang palibot sang lugar.

Isa na diri ang “Crush N’ Gusher”, isa

ka water coaster ride kung sa diin ipagahulog ang mga nakasakay sa dako nga pool sang tubig biskan pa delikado ini ilabi na gid kung kulangon sang patubig.

Ginahulat man nga atraksiyon ang giant chocolate fountain nga magatanyag sang tubig halin sa relic nga tubo humalin pa sa kinaandan sang mga katigulangan.

Napabay-an man ini sa idalom sang PRIMECIWA—rason kung ngaa nag-ilis ini sang kolor—apang indi ini magatublag sa kadalagan sang nasambit nga proyekto.

“Pinasahi gid ang amo ni nga water fountain kay tsokolate ang unod. Tungod tam-an ini nga makagalanyat, ginadumili na magsulod sa waterpark ang madakpan nga magasukob halin diri hehe,” hambal sang isa ka empleyado sang Disney.

Suno naman kay BACIWA Board Chair Loren Jaeger, magabenipisyo ang utility firm sa gintuman nga kasugtanan upod ang PrimeWater tungod kulang ila pinansiyal nga kapasidad nga mamintinar ang patubig sa siyudad.

Dako man ang kalipayan sang mga dumulugok sa ini nga proyekto sang sila gindala na lamang sa beach party para makapaligo matapos makabaton sang pinasahi nga coca-cola nga patubig halin sa PRIMECIWA. Hidugang pa, wala na sang may nagareklamo sa posible nga pagsaka sang

ART BY UR SLEEPLESS DAUGHTER

presyo sang tubig sa masunod nga mga bulan matapos matalupangdan sang mga dumulugok nga mas mahal pa ang entrance fee sa waterpark kaysa sa ila water bill.

“Ang tubig ara lang na da ya, pero ang amon nga kalipayan kis-a lang ni,” siling ni alyas Marino, 60 anyos nga abangers sang waterpark. “Nubo na na gani ang amon bill kumpara sa entrance fee. Loan-an sa Pag-IBIG eh!”

Sa nagadamo nga isyu sa patubig, ginapatihan sang kadam-an nga ang makasalbar sa ila amo ang waterpark, apang dako ini nga problem para sa 60 ka empleyado nga ginpangkakas sa JV tungod sa ginsulong nga position redundancy, kung sa diin

indi na sila ka avail sang employee discount sang PRIMECIWA. Ginkonsiderar man sang Disney nga kuhaon ang Central Negros under Extortionate Costs (CENECO) bilang ila supplier ka kuryente, isa ka double kill para sa mga tuyo magsulod sa atraksiyon tungod angay sa PRIMECIWA, mahal man ang sukot sang CENECO. Laum man sang tanan nga mangin isa ni sa “happiest places on earth”—amo na nagabulig man buhat ang lokal nga gobyerno sang dayalogo upod ang mga distribution companies agud madamo pa ang mahimo nga mga kasugtanan nga magahatag kalingawan sa mga konsyumer paagi sa waterpark.

14

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

KOMIKS Zoom Classn’t by ESQUISSEZ-MOI

Open the Skuls by LYNYUUH

REVIEWS

by PINK AKON BOTO

LUH SURE?

THESPUTUM

Advice corner with Tita Sugar and Spice Dear Teta Sugar,

Dear Teta Spice,

*hagpok nga kiss

Just a thought, tita, no? Not to mention any names, pero why in life favorite hobby gid ka relatives ko mag comment about my body? Kada may birthday na lang gid ya?

I am wondering for weeks na bala tita and it bothers me every night. Gina paminsar ko gid nga bisan tired ta, why bala kita as humans gina pilit pa magbugtaw every day? Isn’t it so exhausting? I want to hear your thots, Teta Sugar.

“Dai, nagniwang ka haw?”

“Anak mo ni Rose? Nagtambok siya, no?”

With designer eyebags, Ang Babayi nga Waay Gapamisok

Daw sila gid bala gapakaon sakon, tita? Ugh, kairita.

Ang Babayi nga Waay Gapamisok, Hello, dear!

Bastante, Mama’s Favorite Daughter

Kis-a bala we wonder kung ngaa kapoy ta pirme, but aketch believe that you should reset your body clock na.

Ari akon laygay lang ni ha, pero istaph cooking pancit canton in the middle of the night.

Myghad! And bhie, parehas bala sa Nescafe, para kanino ka bumabangon? They have their handum(s) like the hobby of chasing deadlines biskan Haggardo Versoza or chasing their ka-talking stage nga waay man lang label kag puros mixed signals lang, susme!

Remember, langga: Do not just exist, but live.

Hmmkay? Para imo pa matalupangdan ang kaanyag sang adlaw.

Your yassified manenay, Teta Sugar Dear Teta Sugar, Momshie! I need your help, ASAP!

Mama’s Favorite Daughter, Nakshi, OMG! To tell you honestly, amo gid na ang kick-off sang girls into dalaga-hood.

FYI, as a dalaga myself, na experience ko man na.

But one thing nga nakabulig sakon, bhie? Let them be. Waay ka man nila gina paminsar before sila magtulog kag tandaan mo gid nga shutiful ka ya! Ganders ta tanan! You know better, so flip your hair with confidence like those TRESemmé: Used by Professionals shampoo mowdels.

Kebs?

Proven and tested, Teta Spice Dear Tita Spice,

For two years, three weeks, four days, and five minutes gina antos ko lang gid ya ang akon toxic nga relationship with my jowa. Like, gina take for granted ya lang ang akon paghangop sang iya mga lapses and all. Nakakasakal na, mhie!

Kabalo ka na sang feeling Teta nga as in fanfiction na gid tani story namon? Pero side character ang ko gali? Panakip-butas lang ko? Nagtabid-tabid lang sa sakon kay didto siya ya gali sa barkada ko? Daw ma purdoy man ko sa sagay pa threading sang kilay para lang siya, teta!

What should I do, Teta?

Suki sa salon, Y/N with Perfect Kilay

Hopeless romantic of the town, Ang Nobya ni J Ang Nobya ni J, Sissy, nakakalurky! Untati na na kung ano pa gina padayon mo, gha. Sa tru lang, gina torture mo lang kaugalingon mo, mayo na? Kachaka, you know na man gali vebs nga toxic, so why settle for less? Indiana Jones ang peg?

Gets ko gid nga palangga mo sa, bebe. Pero may mga relasyon lang gd siguro nga need ta ipaiway. Wag tayong loka-lokasivility, ok? If that relationship steals your self-love, you need to think for tuhdey’s vidyeeow na.

As in, now.

With all my sassy self-love, Teta Sugar Dear Teta Sugar, So diretsohon ta na kita, tita! I feel overwhelmed because I think I am not productive.

You know that feeling tita nga ka clingy sang imo mga modules? Puros na lang gid ya deadlines left or right akon gina lagas, imbis mga pretty bebe boys!

Sincerely pagod, Yokonata Lhaga Yokonata Lhaga, Myghad dear, daw si Popoy kag Basha ang imo nga life pero solo moment! Remind yourself that there are unproductive chuvaness days, but echos, prioritizing is the key, darling! Practice balance sa seesaw, gha.

Try ta suyop energy drink sometimes ha?

Langga, okey gid ang magpahuway pero to be yassified like me, bangon liwat! Aja! Resting pretty face, Teta Sugar

Y/N with Perfect Kilay, Pag-prangka ka man sakon sissybels kung sagay ka lang gali ya assume tapos ma feeling main character ka sa fanfics? Unahon mo danay klaro ang tanan before ka mag eme nga ikaw ang naluyagan, dzae.

Juicecolored, learn from your lesson na ha?

Pa thread ka kilay para sa kaugalingon mo—not for anyone else. Periodt!

Kilay on fleek, Teta Spice Dear Teta Spice, Super sad lang bala tita because you know?

Mismo friends ko ga degrade sakon. Feeling ko daw super expired glue lang ko nga gin tapik sa circle namon. Huhu! Ulihi akesh permi baton chika sa ila or di gani gakalipatan na lang ko nila i-invite sa mga night out.

I love my friends pero ano ubrahon ko, teta?

Yours truly out of place, The Free Reserve Friend The Free Reserve Friend, Oh no, dearie! Ano ya gina himo mo sa zoo?

Kadamo dira mga ahas! Do not let snakes degrade you.

I know indi mo gets ang ila opinions kay puros lang man “ssss” ga guwa sa baba nila pero you have the choice to leave. Kung mag choose ka gani sang isda sa mercado, get mo ang hindi lub-ok.

Kiber? You know better, palangga!

With awra gurlaloo, Teta Spice

LUH SURE?

THESPUTUM

JANUARY TO APRIL 2022 | VOLUME 66 NO. 5

15

Raise your Red Flags: College Edition

by BOY BEST FRIEND & Art by JODI JUSKO MARIA

Bored and single na gid sa quarantine kay hindi na ka-sighting sa campus? Or hindi ka pa sure kung ka match mo man gid ang cutie sa Zoom call niyo? Fear not, because your dating app enthusiast is here to spill the red flags nga dapat gid bantayan sa kada college. Read and contemplate: bet mo man gid bala?

Yabang Ayarn? Luh - College of Brcodies and Achis

College of Eme and Tikal

College of Astig and Sunglasses

College of Night-parties

College of Edchapwera

You can see here some Chinito/ Chinitas nga ginpilit sang ila parents magmanage sang business sa first floor sang ila balay, or you’ll find some people who wanted another course pero wala choice kay indi paghatagan shares of stocks ni Angkong kung mag pursue sang ila passion.

Very common diri ang species of Richkid, Cryptobros, Elon Musk fanboys; nabakal mo na ang iPhone 13? So old news, 14 na ni ang ila.

Brodies, you say? Vibes ni sila sang CoN kung magpirdehanay tikal sa CET, pero kitaay man ni sila tanan magparty sa Portiko.

Damo di nakaagi braces sang high school, kag ang iban asta subong wala ginapakakas kay cute and trendy. Kung competition man lang pangita mo, damo gid na di—indi nila gusto mapirde kay daks ang ego.

Makakita ka diri sang two types of species. Exhibit A: Kung naka Hawaiian shirt kag shorts sila, may 30% chance nga CET ni sa (25% sa CBA, 25% sa CoN). Big D*ck Energy (kuno), as in they’re good at making the first move sa DMs pero hadlok magsabat sa class recitation.

Exhibit B: Super techy, gamers, “whitehat hackers” for the lack of a better word. Hilig ni sila sa pancit canton samtang ga competitive gaming. This means that they’re willing to choose DOTA over you, so don’t even bother messaging them, sis. Very conyo—credits sa ila childhood videogames. A large population of them are introverts, rubiks cube speedrunners, and weaboos nga pirme gajacket bisan gapalamalhas na, so laban-laban deadma ka lang nila.

Artsy, indie kids, or mga “cool kids” nga damo na bal-an. Let’s drop the drip check: disposable vape, iced coffee, canvas tote bags, and Converse. Laban ni sila gasuksok sunglasses sa gab-i para Instagrammable; abi nila may sepia-tinged filter sila pirme sa subra ka “ambiance” sang aesthetic.

Sagad sa bardagulan, indi gid di mag lahug-lahog kay either batuhon ka lang sang tanan nila nga natun-an or sa bitbit nila nga libro; swerte mo lang if indi Psych major na may DSM-5.

Tamang “Manipulate, Mansplain, Malewife” lang. Their skills come with drawbacks though—taman ka-demanding, they’ll cancel you on Twitter or pabati-batian ka nila sa FB on their rant accounts if they don’t get what they want.

Bongga ni ila kay mas mahal ila tuition kag may separate na campus. Damo RK, ibang level kuno ang aesthetics kay nakabakal sila GoPro or DSLR sang highschool.

Gapa-Starbucks gid para makiconnect sa WiFi, consumer sang disposable vape or RELX, kag suki sa Grab kay di gyapon kabalo kung tagpila ang plete sa jeep.

Sadya ni sila updon and always G because most of them are trailblazers, bisan diin nga kasuhot-suhotan matupa basta makasulod lang sa likod sang ila Ford Ranger. Pwede na ni sila himuon offical organizers sang mga night-outs in Bacolod. Motto nila?

“Virus ka lang, nurse kami ya!”

Kis-a makadiyos, kis-a may longneck sa kamot. Padakodako ni sila vape mod kag hilig magtambay sa mga “al-fresco” areas sang cafe. Hapos ka lang ni nila ma-echapwera—kay mas priority ni nila ang mga sululaton nila sa Manila paper.

Haladlukan ni sa ila mangakig, pakwaon ka wamport sheet of pad paper kag ma pop quiz. Your most trusted Marites, wakalan, amo na damo ka gid knowledge (chismis) nga mareceive (teachers ba naman eh). Also marupok to the max, pero either taken na ni sila or bigo nga di pa ready for commitment.

ENTERTAINMENT

The Sputum - Mga Shutiful at Labag sa Seeners

THIS OR THAT: SHEIN EDITION Art by CAMPUS NERD (NGKSP)

Bati ko damo di jowable peeps, but BEWARE! Kulto ni sila nga ga worship duwa ka monyeka sa ila receiving area. May duha ka portal pakadto sa lain nga kalibutan, so indi mo ni sila pwede malango-lango kay isang hiwit ka lang. Gintawag nga mga “Spectres” kay damo aswang kag espirito sila opisina, gulpi lang nagagiho ang silhig magtalikod ka. What do you think? Sila ginaghost or sila gapang-ghost?

Brave and daring kay ara sa top sang noisy list biskan tupad-balay lang nila ang Discipline Office.

Hinay magreply, gareact lang sila kung makakita message para kapabatyag. Loyal ni sila pero may tendency maging possessive, block mo na daan ang mga girl/boy best friend mo sa social media mo.

ENTERTAINMENT

MOODLE OF THE YEAR

THESPUTUM

SPROOTS

TO LAND AHOY. An athlete crawling his way to victory in dryland swimming . -JUNJUN THE GHOSTER

SWIMMING IN WATER IS DEAD

Dry Swimming: The Future of E-Sports

by URSULA

Who says you need water to swim?

All you need is a camera, an open space, and an online meeting platform to master the art of swimming on dry land and become the next big Twitch streamer.

As the pandemic sequestered students into their homes, barring the chance of traditional swimming classes in a face-to-face chlorinated pool, the Prepaid Education for Swimming and Recreation office— in collaboration with the Council of Land-bound Siyokois—quickly adapted the survival sport into one

that rides the digital waves into the future.

“We performed strokes such as freestyle and mimicked fish in the wet market by gyrating and wiggling on the ground like an epileptic worm while recording it,” second-year dry swimming student and skeptic Flounder Ali-Mango explained when asked how dry swimming classes worked in the virtual setup.

Many agree that by removing water from the equation, learning swimming techniques has become more accessible and realistic in these days of isolation.

“Swimming in water is dead.

Between the pandemic, online classes, and political turmoil, it’s better to do things online and keep indoors. Who needs the ocean, anyway?” Bantay Tubig resident Siyokoi Jr. said, expounding that he came to Lozol exclusively to achieve his aspirations of becoming an e-swimming streamer.

However, not all students are keen on the idea of continuing the new dry swimming lessons, with many claiming that their parents look at them differently after an online session of questionable body flopping in their rooms.

“My mom came up to me and told me that she would support me in whatever it was I was going through. How do I tell her that this isn’t a phase—that it’s my future?”

Ali-Mango questioned.

Nonetheless, the future remains bright for competitive dry swimmers as even Ali-Mango conceded to the inevitability of virtual dry swimming competitions as the online school setting persists.

At this rate, filming yourself writhing and thrashing on dry ground might land you the next big break of your life: whether as a new e-sport celebrity or the next big meme.

ANIMOLYMPICS RESULTS ARE IN

Swindled Drip

It Happens

By Ma Tsu Dun Seer

We both know things just don’t work out sometimes—nabbing low scores even after cheating, getting less fries despite ordering large, or being below average at eight inches. During such times, I turn to the mustache maestro Friedrich Nietzsche’s old saying: it really do be like that sometimes.

And that sometimes can happen sooner than you think. In fact, such an incident occurred during our recent Million Lazilion Days celebration.

With everything online, it’s natural to experience classic Philippine internet.

The not-so-advertised 50-mbps plan disintegrates during your thesis defense but works absolutely flawlessly during 7:30 AM classes when you accidentally turn on your camera (and microphone!) while taking a dump.

That is not a personal story, I swear.

What is a personal story, however, is resident gym rat Justin Eatlog’s complaints after a misunderstanding lost him prize money during a Lozolyarn event. To summarize, participants were invited to a Zoom call via Facebook livestream and were faced with various fitness challenges for a chance to win some ice-cold drip. Top shelf swag was awarded to the audience’s pick and according to the organizers’ judgment.

Eatlog, after amazing everyone by translating Taylor Swift’s “Lover” into Cantonese while doing jumping jacks, only received P50,002 instead of the P680,000 advertised by the organizers.

In the latter’s defense, livestream host Bhor Nik stated: “I don’t know what he’s talking about. He won the audience’s choice but communist jumping jacks are barely an exercise.”

Chaos ensued as Eatlog expressed his disappointment and disapproval

After all, when it comes to it, dry swimming is as effective as its traditional counterpart in ensuring you do not drown, especially with a never-before-seen zero percent drowning rate, according to the Statistics of Improbable Probabilities.

With its promising effects and potential uses, future dry swimming classes have been slated for incoming second-year students, and rumors of lucrative e-swimming competitions have attracted individuals from off lands—all for a chance to be a part of the pioneering group of elite virtual swimmers.

during the middle of the stream: “太離譜了”. No one understood what he said but emotions were definitely felt.

When the dust settled, Eatlog walked away with his P50,002, spare drip, and a P50 FoodPanda voucher with a minimum order of P800.

My two cents (no pun intended) is that if you have the IQ necessary to translate a beloved pop hit into a foreign language on demand along with the incredibly physical capability to wake up in the morning, you deserve the drip and coin you’re promised.

Misunderstandings happen and

“The fact is that the people wanted more Eatlog.” some people get the right answer with a totally different solution, but in this case, the destination matters much more.

Eatlog’s undying resolve, albeit slightly confused, was determined and passionate.

I believe that is worthy of praise.

Of course, the organizers’ reactions are not entirely unjustified; they expected a spontaneous event that would liven up the college population— not a rabid jumping jacker speaking in tongues. And perhaps there were some overreacting and bad calls on both sides.

However, wasn’t Eatlog’s performance exciting and heartfelt? Didn’t the viewership of the stream peak during his 68th rep? The fact is that the peoplewanted more Eatlog. The statistics are public and just like what the late philosopher Shakira said, “You know my hips don’t lie”.

At the end of the day, things like this happen. We cannot control the uncertainty of the universe nor predict the oncoming chaos, but we can totally vibe with the disorder eating away at us from within and take absolutely free Ws when we see it. #JusticeforEatlog.

For Ma Tsu, balancing two degrees and a graveyard shift as a performer is simply part of the sigma male grindset. They enjoy their routine of pooping, waking up at 4 am, and sprinting half a marathon, in sequential order, to start another day of grinding.

BK Scream Kweens reap gold in first ANIMOlympics, cause controversy

by BIBIMO

After two long years of haunting for the golden laurel, the Balay Kalinungan (BK) Scream Kweens silenced the crowd with their chilly performance during the first-ever ANIMOlympics held at the university grounds from March 13, 2020 to March 29, 2022.

Six teams from six different spooky spaces in the university scourged it out, namely BK Scream Kweens, Yanson Building (YB) Ghouls, Solomon Building (SB) Entities, Handumanan Park (HP) Trio, Computer Services Laboratory (CSL) Phantoms, and Mutien Marie (MM) Auditorium Apparitions, while University of St. La Salle students held virtual cheers and bets via the livestream of the University Student Ghostverment (USG) on their Fazespook page.

Led by their team captain and ANIMOlympics Most Valuable Player, Mommy M. Statue, the BK Scream Kweens amassed a total of 5,430 points followed by the YB Ghouls and SB Entities who garnered 4,765 points and

4,543 points, respectively.

The red-blooded Kalinungan kweens went on a rampage during the entire duration of the event as they were crowned champions on the men’s and women’s category of 11 out of 12 sporting events: basketghoul, volleyghoul, blood swimming, baddest-minton, ghostletics, human chess, ouija, praysbee, alone tennis, flying table tennis, and footghoul.

However, they failed to clinch the human head bowling event as the HP Trio, the hephep hurray siblings, flawlessly dominated the said category with strikes across the board.

With this dominance, countless units and groups aired their disappointment as they thought that the competition was rigged and completely favored the BK Scream Kweens.

“We felt like the organizers of this event assisted the BK kweens more since the blood swimming and the ghostletics events, which have the highest points

in the competition, were held close to Balay Kalinungan”, CSL delegate LediSa Si-Ar expressed, adding that the kweens have a clear advantage since they have direct access to the venues and can practice anytime.

In a separate interview, Solomon Room 35 Guy brought up the issue of Mommy M. Statue—who was a varsity athlete—leading their athletics roster to gold, albeit as a coach on the team.

“The executive board came to a decision that the BK Scream Kweens did not commit any violations.

They executed both sportsmanship and showmanship and will remain as our victors for our first-ever ANIMOlympics,” USG President Gallaga Haunter declared after thoroughly reviewing the concerns raised by the other units.

With the resumption of the 2022 Animolympics on March 20 hosting non-contact sports such as table tennis, othello, swimming, badminton, chess, and lawn tennis, the second ANIMOlympics date remains indefinite, according to Haunter.

HOWLS AND CHANTS. The Coliseum echoes the howls from the Lozolyarn ghouls during ANIMOlympics 2022. -LOCAL SADBOI