The Strand | Vol. 66, Issue 11

Marginalised Men on The Strand NEWS | PAGE 02

Modern men suck? Try these lovers from the past OPINIONS | PAGE 06

AITA for bringing different dates to the AGO and reusing my jokes

STRANDED | PAGE 16

the

STRAND

Marginalised Men on The Strand

Men on The Strand voice their concerns about their prejudicial treatment

KARIM ARIF ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR

This year’s Strand masthead has been marred by its controversial lack of diversity. Only making up a mere 11.1 percent of the masthead, men on The Strand have felt their opinions marginalised by the privileged majority. In numerous instances, their voices and workplace rights have been shunned and ignored. In a masthead meeting on March 22, in an appalling and humiliating demand, Editor-in-Chief Shelley Yao asked Features editor, Michael Elsaesser, to not “so generously and recklessly spray” his Wild Spice 48-hrsnon-stop Axe Deodorant Body Spray in light of others’ “tearing up and being unable to breathe.”

The Strand’s News Section interviewed two of the three men on The Strand to report on their story of prejudicial treatment. It should be passingly noted that the third man is the writer of this article. For protection against backlash, the two editors have been ensured anonymity and renamed “Keiran Geemond” and “Mykill Elzazer.” To ensure honesty, the following interview is uncut and uncensored.

The Strand: Describe your efforts and commitments at The Strand.

Keiran Geemond: You can not imagine how much time I commit to The Strand. Last week, I was in the office for a whole three minutes! The week before that was a whole seven! That’s an unrealistic time commitment for someone who has a whole 1.75 credits to do this semester. Shelley has told me they’ve been in there for hours at a time, but they must be exaggerating.

Mykill Elzazer: I do so, so much. Every day I have my Strand email on my computer, [even though] I only check it once in a while, but its presence on my computer is constant. Sometimes, I even show up to my office hours.

What’s the workplace environment like at The Strand?

KG: Terrible. Everyone is so nice and, as a very masculine man, I need my workplaces to be full of other toxic people who will never tell me I’ve done a good job and will hunt me for sport if I miss a deadline.

ME: Not at all progressive. See, I believe that true progress can only happen in all-male spaces. That’s because men need to listen to other men to learn about things like gender equality. That’s why I personally love hockey change rooms, because we bros can chat about what truly matters, and reach each other on a level only men can understand. All-male spaces are constantly being attacked and reduced to prioritise ‘inclusivity,’ but where are the protected spaces for men?! Alas, The Strand’s environment does nothing to protect the sanctity of men’s spaces.

As a marginalised minority, how do the others treat you at The Strand?

KG: I’m treated just the same as everyone else, which I believe is discrimination. They hate me specifically because I’m a white cishet man. Because there are fewer of us, that makes us more important, and Big Strand should support us more.

ME: Not good enough. Back in the good old days, men were revered and respected, but now, we’re just respected.

What’s their work attitude and ethic like?

ME: No one grinds as hard as they should. Everyone is all about “prioritise your health and well-being!” When are these sheeple going to wake up and realise you need to put 110 percent in all the time. The Strand needs to start a side hustle, and then add another side hustle for the side hustle. It’s all about streams of income, and no one else wants to get up and work to make more of those these days. When I walk into Strand production meetings pitching my latest crypto investment, no one jumps on board. Instead, they say “Good job, now let’s get back to the meeting” as if whatever else they were discussing is more important than an NFT of Elon Musk’s face on Mount Rushmore, where it definitely belongs.

Describe an event at The Strand where you were discriminated against and explain how you felt.

ME: I pitched that we take the Strandcast and use it to interview almost exclusively wannabe frat bros, so we can ask them questions about serious world events, or the operations of UofT (neither of which they know anything about). I feel we need to platform the real voices at Vic, but that idea was shot down by the radical feminists who think we should engage in “fruitful discussion” with “competent people.” But I know the real reason is because everyone just hates men nowadays.

KG: When I started interviewing people for [CENSORED FOR THE ANONYMITY OF THE INTERVIEWEE], I was told I wasn’t allowed to only interview men. This made me angry because as a man, I’m not not aware of any other emotions than rage. What do you mean that I, as a man, need to have my section be “diverse and show that anyone is able to do science?” Wait, cut that last sentence, I didn’t mean to say that, they’re gonna find me—

Were you silent or silenced?

ME: reference?

KG: I was definitely silenced. The Strand doesn’t let me write anything that I want to write, and instead, we have to publish articles that ‘contain facts.’ What if I want to write about a cool dream that I’ve had? Where is the spot for me to write about all the things I know that I’ve learned from watching YouTube Shorts? I need to explain to people how inflation is good actually, and how trickle-down economics will help everyone.

Why are men a minority at The Strand?

KG: At The Strand, we hire people based on skill and talent. We need to abolish this rule. People need to be hired on how well they can do manly things, like taking shots of straight whiskey (it needs to be straight whisky, none of that gay stuff), and how many touchdowns you can get

in a football match. It’s definitely not because men just statistically make up a smaller percentage of students at Victoria College.

ME: Men can only feel comfortable around other men because we have a… unique sense of humour that others just don’t get. We need to establish The Strand as a safe space for cishet men. We need to build the Mojo Dojo Casa House, adding a gym into the office, sports on TVs, and the sticky floors from frat houses. Men need to be prioritised in terms of hiring and pitches. That’s why I’m so grateful for this Men issue, really taking the “one small step for man” that one astronaut wanted.

What do you consider to be the root cause of this underlying hatred against men?

KG: I’m blaming the Barbie movie for showing the world for the first time that maybe women can do everything men can do. That’s why I have never seen the Barbie movie.

ME: No clue, I refuse to think about the underlying cause of social dynamics, that's some weird gender studies class stuff. All I know is that I don’t hate women, I have friends who are women, [and] my mom is a woman. I don’t understand why men are targeted like this.

What changes should be made to tackle this discrimination?

KG: We need more men at The Strand, and in publishing and journalism in general. According to a statistic I just made up, men only make up 10 percent of the journalism industry. In my opinion, it needs to be 99 percent. We need more men!

ME: We need more men in The Strand. We haven’t had a male EIC in like, a year.

PHOTO | SHELLEY YAO

VicPride forced into the closet by Dean’s Office

“At least it reminds me of my childhood” says VicPride exec

Over the past few years, students and student groups have begged and pleaded to have offices within the campus student centre. These calls come alongside eloquent arguments for the importance of student-run space, and the $200 a year each Vic student pays in fees towards Goldring (for the mortgage?). In an exclusive interview with The Strand, one member of VicPride, who wishes to remain anonymous for their safety and protection, stated “A space is a space I guess. Under this administration we can’t really be picky” as they tossed a look over to Vic BLVCK (who has no space in the centre despite the university’s emphasis on their Scarborough Charter signing). The VicPride office currently holds regular office hours to discuss issues with the Vic community, but is forced to hold events in other spaces as they physically cannot fit more than three standing people in the closet at a time. No one knows what the future of levy space looks like in the student-funded building, while Vic spends countless months and dollars on updating the second floor to add admin meeting rooms and mice dungeons. Meanwhile, VicPride does its best to make the closet a welcoming and safe space for Vic queer and trans students.

PHOTO | SHELLEY YAO

DEAN'S OFFICE OVERSIGHT DIVISION (DOOD)

Wokeness has gone too far

Loud man shares his questionable thoughts on gender equality

MAYA HUTZUL STAFF WRITER

International Women’s Day last month was celebrated by millions of people worldwide. Together, we acknowledged the issues that women continue to face. This year’s theme was combating gender-based poverty and increasing investment in women. To mark continued advancements in gender equality and women’s voices being heard, I’ve decided to cede my column to the loudest man I know, the world’s most frequent Twitter contributor and biggest Elon Musk fan. Victoria College, meet my neighbour Jim.

Hi, everyone. Jim here. I’m writing to you all today on the Google to talk about the unfairness of there being an International Women’s Day. What have women ever done for the world to get a whole day dedicated to celebrating them? I don’t care that there’s also an International Men’s Day dedicated to studying men-specific issues like male suicide and job insecurity. Do you know what men's real problem is? WOMEN.

Luckily, I’ve come up with a couple of solutions to help even the playing field and stop the ridiculous advantage that women have over men.

First, I was shocked and appalled when I watched Titanic for the first time. Why were women and children allowed to leave the ship first? Do you know what happened to the men? The men died . So many lives were cut short, all because the women and children had the audacity to not want to die. There’s an obvious solution to balance the scales. We’ll let women

escape first when boats go down, but only let men out when airplanes go down.

Picture this. You’re on your way to an idyllic Caribbean vacation when you find out that the pilot fell asleep at the wheel because they were up late last night totally trouncing their eightyear-old in League of Legends until the little loser cried. You know, like a man . Nothing is more impressive than absolutely destroying a child in something. So then the cabin pressure drops, and you put on your oxygen mask. And then you steal the oxygen mask of the woman next to you, because does she deserve oxygen as much as you? Didn’t think so.

Listen kids, it’s a dog-eat-dog world. And if that means you roundhouse kick the person on a flight next to you in the face, steal all the life vests and oxygen masks for the benefit of you and your fellow men, and then vlog your entire descent into the Atlantic Ocean, then that’s just a part of natural selection.

Another problem that men face: the Barbie movie. Have I seen the Barbie movie? No. Do I plan to watch the Barbie movie? Also no. But I have seen what Ben Shapiro said about it, and it makes me really, really angry. Now all of a sudden men are the problem because of that little historical oppression thing? Give me a break. And now all the little kids who see Barbie are going to be brainwashed into thinking women are better than men.

There’s only one logical solution. Because Barbie was the highest-grossing movie of 2023, its message was spread far and wide. Everyone who watched the Barbie movie should be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Piers

Morgan and Andrew Tate talk about real, masculine men, until they’re indoctrinated enough to be un-indoctrinated from the stupid woke Barbie movie. Problem solved.

Next up on my list of problems to solve: death. And by death, I specifically mean that men die earlier than women in pretty much every country in the world. The worst countries in the world for this tend to be Eastern European ones. I found out last week that Russia has the worst life discrepancy between women and men, and half of these deaths are commonly believed to be because of alcoholism. I wonder why Russians are upset enough to drink so much.

Anyway, I figured out the solution to fixing the fact that Russian men tend to die a decade before Russian women. Instead of trying to improve the male lifespan, let’s shorten the female one! I know that sounds bad. But since either trying to end this war or attempting to cure people of their persistent alcohol addiction that’s been ingrained in Russian culture for centuries is too difficult, why not just round up all the women above 60 and ship them to those nice old, unused Siberian gulags? It’s not like those death camps are getting visitors now, so why not put them to good use?

So there you have it, folks. Here are a couple of quick (and I think very reasonable) solutions to solving some of the current problems plaguing men in the world today. And shout out to the women who let me use my historically marginalised male voice to say what we’re all thinking about. We should be allowed to abandon babies on falling airplanes. Among other things.

ILLUSTRATION | CHELSEY WANG

Modern men suck? Try these lovers from the past!

Let these historical hotties fan the flames of your heart <3

SILAS PETERS AND HANNAH TEATHER CONTRIBUTORS

Dating in your 20s is hard—nay, impossible. But fear not! Hannah and Silas are here to tell you that you no longer have to lack a date to Highball. We will give you the inside scoop on eight eligible bachelors, and whether you should smash or pass. Our qualifications you ask? Why of course…

Hannah: Bisexual. Went on a mediocre date where they learned too much about their date’s ex. Takes long showers to add some measure of warmth to her life.

Silas: Bisexual. Avid Hinge downloader, user, deleter, re-downloader, user, re-deleter, etc. (you know the cycle). Hasn’t felt the touch of a man in many moons.

Général Thomas-Alexandre Dumas Davy de la Pailleterie

A general of the Napoleonic era who heralded from Haiti, we’d take any of his commands. Famously inspired The Count of Monte Cristo, the novel written by his son as a revenge fantasy on his father’s behalf.

Pros: Described as “one of the handsomest men you could ever meet,” with chivalry to boot.

Cons: Fr*nch.

Smash or pass? Smash, smash, smash, smash. One chance, pleaseeeEEEE!!!!!!!1!!

Zheng Chenggong

Scourge of the South China seas, this pirateturned-general is sure to pull on your heartstrings like the rigging of his ships. Plus, a seaman at heart, he’s not afraid to dive in and get a little wet.

Pros: He’ll defend you like he did the Ming dynasty.

Cons: Died at 37 :(

Smash or pass? S M A S H ! There is nothing we love more than a pirate.

Raphael

One of the great masters of the Renaissance period, Raphael is renowned for works such as the School of Athens and fighting in the sewers with twin sai. With his infamous beef with Michelangelo, you know he’s up for some good gossip.

Pros: If you ever wanted to be a muse, this is your chance!

Cons: Also died at 37 :(

Smash or pass? Smash! After all, he was diligent in his study of human anatomy…

Joseph Lister

The namesake of Listerine, this Victorian-era surgeon only wants to fix your broken heart. A

pioneer in surgery and medical research, he is best known for using carbolic acid as a steriliser and his research into wound infections.

Pros: Believes in germ theory!

Cons: Probably wouldn’t let you use the fivesecond rule.

Smash or pass? SMASH. You would be missing out if you passed up the opportunity to wine and dine with this sexy surgeon. However, we would like it noted that if you are passing, we are free Friday night for a date with Lister.

Paul Revere

The British are coming! But will you? Famous for yelling on a horse and not really much else, Paul is an avid silversmith and military man at heart.

Pros: Well at least he’s vocal and can ride!

Cons: Gives the vibes of a guy who would turn to you and go ‘I like someone… you know them super well… .’

Smash or pass? Silas personally would recommend a strong pass, but that may be his British (derogatory) side speaking. Hannah, an unfortunate American, says to go for it! He might revolutionise your love life.

Charles Darwin

Adapting to a relationship with this man may be tough, but eventually, the selective pressure would evolve your love into something stronger and more fit to your environment. A man of nature and science, Darwin spends most of his free time staring at plants.

Pros: A good father who cares for his children.

Cons: Had those same children with his cousin… .

Smash or pass? We recommend a soft pass on this one. The whole marrying his cousin thing is a lil hard to overlook.

Socrates

The original yapper, your days would be filled with distressing reminders of your first-year Socratic discussions. An original sassy man, he treated his trial like an improv comedy show that you showed up to for moral support and promptly felt dread when he walked onstage.

Pros: Free tuition for his classes!

Cons: Had some choice words on democracy.

Smash or pass? Might be worth a one-night stand, so long as you don’t let him open his mouth and get the hell out once it’s over.

Ramses II

This infamous pharaoh lays claim to one of the longest reigns, a good sign that he’s willing to commit! Ramses II led numerous military campaigns and may be able to bring prosperity to your life as he did with Egypt.

Pros: Rich… Sugar daddy potential?

Cons: Would be that one WWII-obsessed guy in your high school history class who knows a little too much about tanks.

Smash or pass? As your advisors, we have to recommend a pass on this one. A little suspicious how much time he spends away from home… .

While these men may be dead, your love life isn’t! There’s no time like the present to resurrect that confidence and get out there.

XOXO, Hannah and Silas

Boy dinner

Protein is life, pumpkin pie is love

SOPHIE STANKOVIC EDITORIAL ASSISTANT

The food pyramid is a sham. Carbs, vegetables, fruits, they all pale in pertinence compared with the one true food group: protein. The men are ahead in this discovery, spreading their grainfree gospel across the web. Times are a-changin. The kitchen shall no longer be a stereotypically feminine sphere, but a lab for scientific, nutritional exploration, with a team of nine brave men rising to the task.

But enough from me, I’ll let the male ingenuity speak for itself.

Do you cook?

[ANONYMOUS]: Cooking is a strong word.

Charles: Every time I give an opinion

[Anonymous]: I bake, microwave, reheat and toast.

Liam: No I only bake

devotion to pumpkin pie. A few brave souls correct the interviewer’s line of questioning, or demonstrate a concerning level of appetite…so hungry they could eat a human.

Would your food taste better if a woman made it?

Charles: God I hope not

Cid: I think it'd taste more like her [Anonymous]: Doubtful—box food is not variable in quality.

Liam: Only if that woman knew my special recipe on the back of every tin of pumpkin I find [aNoNyMoUs]: When I'm being lowered into my grave and my dirge is playing, the question won't be "can a woman do what he did with a grill?",it will be "Will there ever be another walk of life who can grace the planet with their meat the way that guy did?" For there will be a void left behind in my passing over to the heavens that will burden future generations until the sun consumes the

Five of the nine respondents (not featured here), contrary to popular belief, responded that yes, they do in fact, cook. It would seem the boy dinner diners employ various cooking techniques, from baking to reheating to sharing their opinion (so on-theme).

What do you cook?

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: Are you a cop?

Cid: The question should be who do I cook

Charles: Whatever they're eating in Studio Ghibli movies

[Anonymous]: Anything that’s yellow and comes in a cardboard box.

Liam: I only bake pumpkin pie

Some respondents dine in Ghibli aesthetics, some prefer earth tones, others display incredible

earth the same way my meat was consumed by my contemporaries.

Mack: 100 percent the food would taste better if a woman made it, but also now thinking that wording is a bit odd, cause like what would make it better, the traditional roles forced upon women even in current society to be able to cook and therefore know the kitchen and how to use it. So is that why the food would taste better because of the performative gender roles placed on modern women? But yes, food does taste better when cooked by a woman because they put so much love into everything they do because they are fantastic!!

What would a men’s interview be without a surprise comment on feminism? I applaud Mack’s conscientiousness. [aNoNyMoUs] displays a curious level of self-confidence. Cid’s ravenous appetite is making the interviewer pale in fear.

Would you cook for a woman?

[ANONYMOUS]: No I only cook for twinks

Cid: does a lion hunt for its prey

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: I do everything for my wife.

Liam: No, I’d only bake pumpkin pie

[Anonymous]: If she had a gun

[aNoNyMoUs]: Yes but I only accept crypto these days

Max: of course, because women shouldn’t be in the kitchen

Now here’s where things get interesting. What could be more manly than men cooking FOR men? When did Patrick Ignasiak [5’8] get married? Should women expand their culinary arsenal? Max and [aNoNyMoUs] astutely observe the changing times, currency included.

What’s stopping you from cooking for a woman right now?

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: schedule II narcotics restrictions

Max: homosexuality

Charles: No bitches :(

[Anonymous]: She doesn’t

[aNoNyMoUs]: Perfection takes time and time is all too scarce.

Cid: cooking a woman right now

Liam: Some people mistakenly believe that pumpkin is a seasonal flavour

Mack: You’re right, I should go cook for a woman now, they deserve some good home made food made with love, they work hard to keep us as a society going!

Max, less fruit, more protein. Charles, get bitches. Liam is making the interviewer crave pumpkin pie.

The piece de la resistance, what would you call a boy dinner?

[Anonymous]: Sabre tooth tiger killed with bare hands

Charles: Starvation—sustenance is a feminine trait

Max: Dino nuggets with a sprinkle of creatine [aNoNyMoUs]: pack of cigs, five gum, and a shot of battery acid

Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]: love and poetry

[ANONYMOUS]: Raw meat and protein powder

Liam: Pumpkin pie and protein powder

Mack: Protein powder

Cid: women

[Anonymous]’s appetite wiped out a whole species. Cid thinks Adam should have ingested Eve. The interviewer wonders whether Charle will make it to the next interview. The Love & Sex issue must’ve been a tasty meal for Patrick Ignasiak [5’8]. Three, maybe four, out of the nine participants confirm that protein powder is the staple ingredient of any male household.

So what is a boy dinner? Cannibalism? Protein? Are they one and the same? It seems I misspoke in taking ‘fruit’ out of the men’s food groups. After a long and harrowing journey into the male digestive system, the interviewer concludes that maybe men should just stick to pumpkin pie.

PHOTO | SHELLEY YAO

Men at the Maddy — zoologist’s favourite species of Toronto

The tragically fascinating mating ritual of men at the Madison Avenue Pub

by David

Attenborough’s Canadian Grandchildren of Varying Ethnicities

In the marooned and untamed land of 14 Madison Avenue lies the hotspot of Earth’s most fascinating yet under-recorded species—Toronto men. But here is what is most enthralling. Our team of fantastic zoologists at The Strand were able to study a very specific sub-species of Toronto men, the kind that worships the dogma that they are the apex predator of the Madison ecosystem and that the women talking to them are genuinely into them and definitely not giving them fake numbers.

These creatures, often found in crowds of Adidas sneakers and pungent Dior Sauvage cologne, frequent the drinking well of Corona pints and tequila shots in order to seek their next female conquest. It is mating season at the Maddy, and the boys are ready to get their rocks off.

Allow us to set the scene

The clock strikes 10 on a Friday night, and already the creatures have begun to trickle into the sacred mating ground. They have a long night ahead of them and they know it. It took minutes of preparation to put on a semi-clean shirt rather than the pasta-stained hoodie they had been wearing for the whole week and perhaps even brushing their teeth to ensure optimal pleasure for the female species when his tongue is exploring the crevices of her mouth not even her orthodontists can reach.

They will also check their bank account balance to ensure they have about $20 to spare as, in their tradition, purchasing a drink for their female counterparts is a sign of respect. And by respect, our zoologists want us to clarify that it means they believe the women are attractive enough to bed for 32 seconds.1 Rest assured, our top-of-the-field scientists have conducted multiple studies to which the aggregated data shows that 32 seconds is, in fact, the average length of the reproductive tango of a Maddy man.2

When interviewing a Maddy man, he responded to the data provided above with “It’s short and sweet. Just like all good things in life.” The Strand is hesitant to agree.

Prior to entering the hallowed grounds before them, these creatures engage in preliminary social acts while forming a line. In the winter months, the men can be seen with their hands hidden in their pockets, spouting phrases like “I’m not cold” as their clouds of breath fill the evening air. Once they reach the end of their queue, they present identification cards for inspection. Observers may notice beads of sweat forming as some of these so-called men defend their listed age as valid before strangers who likely do not care at all. Their final entry challenge is to stand absolutely still and project heterosexuality as another man pats down their bodies for any mysterious bulges. If successful, they gain entry to their habitat of desire.

As they prowl through the Victorian architecture that creates the perfect maze for a night of chaos and regrets, their eyes sharpen to lock in on their target. At first, they are picky, with not-so-subtle murmurs of “She’s mid, bro” echoing the hallways of the tipsy-turvy house. To the eyes of a typical observer, however, these silly creatures may be the “mid” ones themselves. But, of course, that is up to the readers’ discretion.

The mating ritual begins

Once a potential female is spotted, the men are quick to begin their trusty3 mating routine. It goes like this:

• First, he will stare at her from across the bar. Hard. Hoping that even for a glimpse their eyes will

meet. Even if it is met by accident, he will take it as a sign from nature to approach her.

• Second, as he walks towards her, he will lip sync to whatever song is blasting through the speakers— probably Drake or The Weeknd, or something. He will make sure to hold his drink, most likely a yeasty pint as a display of testosterone, in his left hand. This is to ensure his right hand is free to flick up and down to the beat of the song. Works like a charm.4

• Third, as he is right in front of the female target, he will fully just speak the lyrics into her face and pull some self-aware post-ironic expression to suggest that he is not like other guys. Go, jester, go!

• Fourth, he will ask her if she goes to UofT, and what her programs are, and then pretend to be curious about what she learns in class. ‘You are so right about the proto-feminist undercurrent in Mary Wollstonecraft’s texts and how they still acutely speak to our fourth-wave feminist movement of the twenty-first century!’ He might throw in a joke here and there about dropping out of college because the semester is getting tough— but everyone makes that joke so she only pretends to laugh. He will not ask her how old she is, for he does not care.

• Fifth, if all goes to plan, he will lead her through the crowds, towards the drinking well, and buy her a drink. Something cheap—a mojito maybe, but most likely just a shot of something to be the most economical. Men at the Maddy are pragmatic creatures.

Through the data set provided to The Strand, studies show that a shot of pure liquor is purchased for the female about 78 percent of the time—to which just under 40 percent of the time, not even a lime is present. The bartender, guardian of the drinking well, hates their job.

Winners and losers of the wild

The male remains optimistic—all is going according to nature’s plan. Unbeknownst to him, however, the female does not plan on going home with him. She never did. She does not even care who his favourite philosopher is—it’s Camus, why is it always Camus? Seriously, why? Do men only know Camus? She takes the shot anyway since there is no reason to turn down a free drink, gritting her teeth not from the fiery aftertaste of liquor but from his unending spiel about Sisyphus. Just as men at the Maddy are economical, so are the women. Yet, the former does not know about the latter despite centuries of evolution and cross-sex interaction.

In the male’s mind, this is it. The prime moment to close the deal. He knows he has one shot to get this right or he will lose it all. He pulls her body closer to himself, the stink of gin on his breath, and is about to propose the most important question of the night—“Your place or my place?” Struck by the anticipation of the loins, he feels as if he is at the summit of a precipice, with all the world’s beauties to behold, but one false move could leave him clawing at the hanging straws of the cliff’s edge, thousands of meters above sea level.

But the impulsion of the male species overwhelms his reason. A pair of legs in a short skirt walks past him and he cannot help but oggle at them. Yet, just that split second is enough for him to negate all his rewards for the night. Sensing that the uncouth terrain of Madison is getting busier and the crowd is beginning to push like waves during an angry storm, she glances around looking for an escape route before he returns from his trance to pop the question. In a sequence of quick-fire decision-making and a demonstration of impressive athleticism, she dives into the sea of patrons, ensuring to swim (well, walk)

fast. Her fast legs are a result of centuries of adaptive evolution to run away from men at the Maddy.

Having looked away for just a split second, he loses her to the crowd, never to be seen again. It is a rookie mistake of nature to get distracted at the climax of the mating ritual, for the female targets easily outsmart the male. Like Sisyphus, his task of finding a female mate for the night feels just like rolling a boulder up the hill for eternity.

“What about all the fun we had discussing The Myth of Sisyphus?” he decries to himself. “I noticed that I did all the talking but I thought it was because she liked hearing me talk!” “I thought she liked Murakami just like me, we had so much in common,” he continues in his head. “Her tits were looking back at me, I swear.” That final line he accidentally says out loud.

Never give up—survival of the fittest

Male creatures of this captivating species have a biological tendency to be sore losers, therefore, he will repeat this mating ritual about seven times through the night. In some encounters, he will pretend to care about Taylor Swift and the Barbie movie—two cultural cornerstones of the female species that are venerated and deeply respected. But even those are cheap tricks that even the most naive of the female species will not fall for. Nobody’s favourite Taylor Swift song is “Shake It Off” or “Blank Space.” And, no, it is generally agreed among the female sex that there are bigger fish to fry than Margot Robbie not getting nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars. People are dying, Jacob.5

Seeing his failed attempts to seduce his previous targets from the female species, the men can be seen on the hunt once again, moving through the different habitats within the Maddy. Some tend to prefer the semi-outdoor patios, with all the joys of January chill, but the layout confusion of a mirror maze proves to be a challenge for some of the creatures to find their way there. Others flock around a pool table to demonstrate an image of athletic prowess. Ah, he misses again! Good thing no creature of the female species was looking to begin with.

In another sub-group, they are awaited by another man who plays the piano. This landscape is commonly home to the communal singing of Billy Joel, mixed with more contemporary music selections (at which point many of the men appear to lose interest). While some enjoy this calmer playing ground, others prefer to cram themselves in as if sardines on the dance floor. This tactic provides ample opportunity for the Maddy man to ‘accidentally’ bump into nearby females, and begin his mating routine. For some reason, all attendees perform joy at the idea of jumping up and down in a singular location while fighting off the shifting wave of bodies. Some scientists liken this to a peacock’s dance, however, our zoologists at The Strand would like to point out that it is not nearly as seductive. It is quite difficult to watch, in fact.

As the bartender calls out that it is closing time, the disappointed males flee the scene, humiliated by his own hopes of recounting his epic late-night tales to his bros the next afternoon and for the following years. He gives it one final shot as he walks out to the mostly empty street on Madison, asking for the mobile number of the female sex. Having just witnessed him vomit on the sidewalk from one too many bad gin and tonics, she politely declines and tells him to wipe the muck from his face. All prospects of seeking a mate have been officially dashed to dust. It is a tragic reminder that the wilderness at no. 14 takes no prisoners.

Madison is a cruel and unrelenting Goddess.

Top ten scientific male (fictional) minds

From unlocking the secrets of donut-induced coma to creating new organisms, these renowned scientists have not only pushed the boundaries of human understanding but also propelled humanity forward in unprecedented ways, shaping fields like evilology, multiverse mechanics, and inatorology…fictionally. Here are my top seven arbitrary rankings of fictional scientists of all time.

7. Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth from Futurama

He invented the Smell-O-Scope which alone earned him a place on this list. His inventions have a 50/50 chance of saving the world or blowing it to pieces but you've gotta admire his commitment to science, even if it occasionally involves risking the lives of his employees.

6. Megamind from Megamind

He is the big-headed blue-faced baddie with a great Spotify list of 80s power ballads to work out to. I would have put him lower on the list because great music taste alone does not make you a good fictional scientist but the chaos and the failed experiments in his little lair/lab felt very realistic and relatable.

5. Dr. Julius Hibbert from The Simpsons

Springfield's resident doctor and the fifth on our list is not a scientist at all. However, Dr. Hibbert is a pioneer in the diagnostics field, having coined terms like

“donut-induced coma” and knows how to think outside the box, even if some might call it questionable medical advice (they are haters) and he can get creative during tough situations to troubleshoot—such as helping Marge give birth to Maggie during a bank robbery; he certainly has the qualities of a scientist. I therefore with the power vested upon me bestow the honorary title of a scientist upon Hibbert.

4. Professor Utonium from The Powerpuff Girls

The fourth-best scientist on this list can mix sugar, spice, and everything nice into the perfect concoction for saving the day. His explosions gone right remind me of my own accidental western blots with positive signals. Whether he's helping Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup fight off evil villains or just trying to teach them the importance of using their powers responsibly, he's always there with a loving heart and a lab coat that's seen better days, just like mine. He seems like he would be an ethical scientist.

3. Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty

Rick's brilliance is matched only by his reckless disregard for pretty much everything and everyone around him. So, why's Rick sliding into the number three spot? He builds miniature universes in batteries to power his car like a true scientific mind. Despite his reckless behaviour and penchant for putting his family in danger on the regular, Rick's complexity adds layers to his character that go beyond the typical mad scientist trope. He's not just a genius with a flask in one hand and a portal gun in the other; he's a guy who's grappling with his own demons while trying to navigate the chaos

of the multiverse.

2. Dr. Evil from Austin Powers

Number two on our list is a bald baddie. That Nehru jacket, that silver pinky ring, those pinky-to-mouth poses—Dr. Evil's got style, baby. With his miniature clones, pet sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, and constant need for "one million dollars," Dr. Evil is very relatable. He was the first person to ever use finger quotes and is in fact, the Princess of Canada (as per himself). A true polymath. Here’s a small spoiler: he is not very Evil after all, albeit he is very much a doctor (he didn’t go to Evil medical school for five years just to be called Mr. Evil).

1. Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb

If you had not guessed already from his massive mug at the top of this article, the scientist ranked first on this list is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated—the brain behind all ‘inator’ inventions to take over the tri-state area. Doofenshmirtz isn't just a mad scientist; he's a mad comedian. The man has got monologue game for days and pulls off a unibrow really well. Need I say more? I will, anyways. Because while others are busy plotting global takeovers, Doofenshmirtz is out there trying to make pigeons dance or turn people into lawn gnomes. The lab coat? Classic. The evil eyebrows? Iconic. The self-awareness to rock a villainous goatee? Priceless.

Literature Review: Empirical Methods for Making a Man

ANYA SHEN PHD, RESEARCH FELLOW IN THE TRANSYLVANIAN LABORATORY FOR LIFE AND CREATION

To behold the gift of life is an experience filled with boundless wonder and terror. To create life—or in colloquial terms, to make a man—is hence a valuable challenge to extrapolate the boundaries of such wonder and terror. Successes in man-making breathe life into civilisations and strengthen the identity of communities, while failures unite communities through great moral tales embedded in beloved iconography. Recognising the importance of further studies in manmaking, this literature review compiles several known empirical methods for making a man and assesses them by integrity, effectiveness, originality, accessibility, and replicability. The annotated sources appear in alphabetical order.

Frankenstein, Victor. Frankenstein. 1818.

With its comprehensive narrative documentation and simplicity of materials, Dr. Frankenstein’s approach is highly replicable for those seeking a low-barrier entry into man-making. To avoid legal and moral repercussions, it is recommended that future trials of this method obtain body parts through certified and consensual means. Representations of this method in popular culture often involve lever-based simple machines that animate the body, which satisfies the ‘mad scientist’ aesthetic at the expense of scientific rigour. More controlled and sophisticated means of corpse reanimation are necessary to improve the efficiency of this method. Finally, despite Frankenstein’s Creature’s astonishing intellectual depth, the absence of proper care and education following the initial creation demonstrates a critical failure to nurture the mind and wellbeing of the Creature.

Furter, Frank N. “I Can Make You a Man” in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975.

This is a glamorous and erotic yet deeply confused reincarnation of Dr. Frankenstein’s method by Dr. Frank N. Furter of Transsexual, Transylvania. The use of alien technology is apparent throughout the process of creating Dr. Furter’s specimen, Rocky, though there exists little explanation of the detailed mechanics. Despite Dr. Furter’s termination of Rocky’s brain donor in a premature mercy killing, Rocky still possesses the intelligence of a human infant and is capable of basic communication and advanced song and dance. Dr. Furter attributes Rocky’s impeccable appearance to his “nutritious, high protein” diet and his “dynamic tension” fitness routine, though one may suspect that other methods were involved given Frank’s extraordinary efficiency of making a man in “just seven days [and six long nights].”

Gaius, John “God”. Nona the Ninth. John 1:20. 2022.

This is a strange and harrowing case. Critics may argue that John’s creation, Alecto, is a woman-identifying figure; however, this study will continue to recognise John’s case as making a man because this text is situated in a universe where the substance of gender is comparable to the flow of swordplay and soup. John’s method relies on necromancy, specifically the absorption and transformation of energy from souls of the dead. This method is catastrophically energyintensive. In creating Alecto, John “bit through the sun first,” then “went full fucking Hungry Caterpillar,” “took Uranus… Neptune… crunched down Pluto…

found every satellite and craft, reached in, crunched up all the humans, moved on.” Adding to the absurdity of the trial, the woman to embody death and the sun bears assemblance to John’s mother’s “old Hollywood Hair Barbie.” Replication is strongly frowned upon.

Geppetto. The Adventures of Pinocchio. 1883.

As an alternative to using corporeal materials, the craftsman Geppetto makes a man by first creating a mimetic model of the human form. The art of puppetry and woodworking are accessible skills to acquire, though the sentience and mobility of Geppetto’s creation, Pinocchio, originates from an unexplained source of magic unique to Geppetto’s raw materials. Pinocchio’s struggle with his propensity for lying and his desire to become “a real boy” highlights Geppetto’s commendable success in creating a man capable of free will and subjective character growth.

God. King James Bible Version (KJV), Genesis 1:268.

This is a vague and theoretical approach with limited practical applicability. The text provides few details about God’s methodology other than the instruction, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” By granting man “dominion over […] all the earth,” God also makes under-evidenced assumptions that overstates the entitlement of man. Furthermore, there appears to be a grave contradiction in God’s instruction for man to “Be fruitful, and multiply” and the strict forbiddance of sexuality in the experimental space.

Li, Shang. “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” in Mulan, 1998.

The concept that one can “make a man” out of preexisting men is a fascinating idea that redefines the significance of man-making. Shang’s method delineates a separation between the body and the spirit; he recognises the former as irrelevant and the latter as the core to making and characterising a “man.” Shang introduces a poetic metric for assessing manliness, where to “be a man” is compared to being “swift as the coursing river” and “mysterious as the dark side of the moon.” Beyond revolutionising the theoretical framework of man-making, Shang’s approach also echoes Frank N. Furter’s method that employs physical exercise as a catalyst for creation.

Nüwa. Chinese Mythology.

As the first supernatural woman with a serpentine body to attempt making a man, Nüwa sets an inspiring precedent for diverse man-maker wishing to enter the field. It is important to observe that Nüwa’s motivation to begin man-making consists of immense loneliness, which is a persistent motif among the experiences of other notable figures in this field. Hand-crafting her first men out of clay and mass-producing them by dragging a piece of rope through mud, Nüwa’s method is an ingenious feat of engineering with minimal materials. However, this two-step production triggers difficult side effects of division by social hierarchy among the men.

Prometheus et. al. Greek Mythology.

Like Nüwa, Prometheus makes men out of mud; more historical expertise is required to determine whether one should suspect plagiarism or collaboration between the two. Prometheus is an esteemed pioneer

of man-making; his legacy is a notable influence for Victor Frankenstein, who bears the alias “the Modern Prometheus.” However, his collaborator, Athena, who animates the mud men by breathing life into their figures, receives much less credit for her crucial assistance. Pantheon politics also interfered significantly with Prometheus’ trial. Controversially, Prometheus and his supervisor, Zeus, harboured disagreements about man’s access to fire, which led to Zeus’ creation of Pandora to sabotage the wellbeing of Prometheus’ men. For future trials, more mature workplace relationships are recommended for a smooth and safe creation process.

Testosterone Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). 1918-present.

One may consider this approach as a scientifically rigorous adaptation of Shang’s methodology for making men out of pre-existing men. Testosterone-based HRT is a medical treatment option pursued by transmasculine and non-binary individuals for its effectiveness in masculinising physical and emotional characteristics, alleviating social stress, and affirming the self-image of trans individuals. Estrogen-based HRT is also available for transfeminine and non-binary individuals seeking care. This method allows one to be the creator and embody the work of their creation at the same time, rendering it a valuable achievement in self-affirmation and bodily autonomy. Peer-reviewed medical research finds that trans individuals undergoing HRT treatment report higher life satisfaction and improvements in mental health outcomes. Despite this, research efforts to improve this method continues to be limited, while safe and informed access to gender-affirming healthcare faces ongoing barriers imposed by ideologically harmful policymaking.

Conclusion

I understand that this review has been silly and deranged, but so is the truth of being alive—I hope you find joy between the lines. Trans rights 4ever. Tell that to your local representatives.

ILLUSTRATION

How to write women like a man

KHAIRATUN YUSUFF

Are you a budding author struggling to breathe life into your female characters? Do you find yourself asking which clichés and stereotypes to use? Well, fear not! Here’s a guide on how to write a woman like a man.

Oh, and just between us, this guide was inspired by a mix of reading Murakami and watching Adam Sandler snag hot women while wearing Adam Sandler (no offence to Adam Sandler. I love Adam Sandler). Because if that's not a recipe for literary enlightenment, what is?

Appearance Over Everything: First things first, let's focus on the looks. Forget about depth of character or personality quirks; what really matters is how she looks. Channel your inner Murakami and make sure to describe her in excruciating detail, emphasising her physical attributes at every opportunity. Oh, and don't forget to objectify her a little too.

Underdeveloped Backstory: Who has time for a complex backstory? Certainly not us! Keep it simple: she's probably had a troubled past involving some sort of trauma, but don't dwell on it too much. Is she available for the male protagonist to pursue? That is far more important.

The Manic-Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG): She is the quintessential cool girl designed solely to make the protagonist realise that life is worth living, rainbows are beautiful, people are kind, yada yada. To create your very own MPDG, simply give her quirky hobbies like knitting tea cosies or eating crayons.

Give her some interpretive dance moves, like the floss. Don't forget the colourful hair and penchant for spontaneous adventures, like dancing in the rain.

The Femme Fatale: She is the seductive siren who is trying to lure the hero into dangerous terrains. Her only purpose is to manipulate the male protagonist with her feminine wiles. Make her say things like, “Darling, I’m trouble. Care to dance with danger,” or my personal favourite, “It’s Morbin time.” Bonus points if all of her wardrobe is just skin-tight black leather.

The Damsel in Distress: It’s very romantic when a helpless woman is in need of rescuing. This trope never gets old! Just make sure your damsel is constantly getting herself into perilous situations that require a strapping hero to come to her aid. Maybe make her tied to the train tracks, stuck on a tree or trapped in a tower. When Sir SavesALot eventually comes to her rescue, the damsel should offer to name her first-born after Sir SavesALot. And remember, her gratitude should always manifest as undying love and devotion.

The Oversexualised Hellcat: Don’t bother developing a well-rounded character when you can just focus on her physical attributes. Give her ample cleavage, a pouty red lip, and a wardrobe consisting solely of skimpy outfits. And don't worry about pesky things like personality or agency—her only purpose is to fulfil fantasies.

The Token Minority: Diversity is important, but let's not get carried away. If you're going to include a non-white/queer character, make sure she's painfully one-dimensional and defined solely by her race,

sexuality or ethnicity. Oh, and feel free to sprinkle in some cultural stereotypes for good measure. This is just a checkbox to tick away /s.

The Eternal Mother: She mothers wild animals back to health and sings to rats and worms for fun. Make sure your maternal figure is selfless to a fault, sacrificing her own wants and needs for the betterment of those around her. Give your hero a bit of an Oedipal complex. Make Freud happy. And don't forget to emphasise the woman’s fertility—nothing says ‘womanhood’ like the ability to bear children /s.

The Token Strong Woman: For a modern twist, throw in a ‘strong’ female character who's essentially ‘just like a man’ but with breasts. She's ‘tough, independent, and has no time for frivolous emotions like love or vulnerability.’ This woman beats up bad guys while wearing impractically tight clothing and high heels with perfectly coiffed hair at all times.

Congratulations! With these handy tips, you'll be churning out two-dimensional female characters instead of one-dimensional ones in no time.

Men don’t know how to wear pants

Rises! Waist-measurements! Shoe-pant interaction! A brief guide to wearing trousers

I will admit that this is a pretty particular and hyperspecific aversion, but whenever I see an extremely poor-fitting or poorly worn pair of pants I want to rip my eyes out and eat them. For some reason, a lot of men are seemingly incapable of understanding how to properly wear a pair of pants so that they at least flatter one’s natural composition. I am hopefully here to fix that (for the maybe 10 percent male readership of The Strand, sorry Strand).

For starters, understanding the rise of a pant is supremely important not only for aesthetics but for proper function too. To be honest, even I didn’t know how to account for a pant's rise to where it sits on my waist until I did some deep self-reflection, spiritual guidance, and the vanquishing of many inner demons. A pant's rise should sit and fasten on a person’s waist from anywhere from a person’s hip bones (for low-

waisted) all the way to a person’s navel (high-waisted). Everyone will be different in what they prefer in rise, but pants shouldn’t have an abyss of fabric hanging under a person’s crouch. This unfortunately common error is all too common in men and for god’s sake has robbed us of the joy of man-butt. When someone doesn’t properly pull up their trousers it creates the effect of a sloped saggy butt where the back pockets sadly laze under one’s butt cheeks. Wearing pants preferably near your natural waist (your naval) or just hiking up your pants a bit more will abstract the saggy-butt illusion and probably be way more comfortable to walk around in.

Further, please men, let's understand what size pants we actually are. Hyper-consumerism has caused every damn store to have their own notion of a 32-inch waist which makes no sense so we must be informed for ourselves. I recommend actually measuring garments and comparing them to ones that fit you really well, so you don’t get screwed into wearing something

unflattering—this also helps one extremely when shopping vintage online, which I recommend.

Lastly, a key for making sure pants fit well is how they interact with the kinds of shoes you wear. Understanding what lengths of pants work with what kinds of shoes will help your outfit not look completely hodge-podged together (even though it likely is). I personally think pants should not have any excess fabric toppling over each other (usually called ‘stacking’ which can look alright if intentional, but terrible if not) and opt for my pants to have no break. I encourage all to go to a tailor and get those inseams adjusted! Go support local craftspeople, they can totally transform how you dress.

Please men, I am begging you to at least take some of this advice into consideration. Just for my hyperparticular sanity and so I do not have to go around being extremely judgemental.

ILLUSTRATION | ANELLA SCHABLER

Mothman is my boyfriend

KIERAN GUIMOND MOTHMAN DEVOTEE

when I first saw you in the dead of night, the woods of West Virginia, a man or a moth— the lines blurred in your presence, who can tell?

I knew from the start it was too late for me, you transfixed me, transformed me.

your glowing red eyes are a beacon calling me home— they say red is a sign for danger, but I know I am safe here, enveloped within your great black wings.

in the daylight I wander the streets, gaze upon your statue in the square, oh, how could they ever capture your form in something as mundane as steel? (except that one part, if you know what I mean)

I will be your light, you will be my fortress, together we will guide the way for other souls.

My Beloved, Pixelated, TwoDimensional, Fictional Boyfriend

CHLOE

My dearest, darling-est love

I shape my adoration for you

With keyboard taps and mouse clicks

As I bask in the blue light

Of your image, sometimes

Frozen perfection, sometimes

Moving, sauntering, swaggering

On the other side

Of the cruel glass that separates

You and I

Oh, how resplendent

How gorgeous

How perfect you are

In 1920 x 1080

In 60 FPS

In full colour, in monochrome

In everything

My beautiful, perfect boyfriend

Oblivious to our profound and lovable relationship

But still adoring, still kind

Still everything I could ask for I blow you a kiss goodnight

Knowing it will never reach you

Still, I try

When I part from you

It hurts

When I go outside and touch

Grass that isn’t pixelated, under a sky

Written in atoms instead of code

I see men

Real men, in three dimensions

Real men, who can receive goodnight kisses

Real men, who can see me and touch and love me

They disgust me

Four horrible weather patterns I would rather go through instead of raining men

Hallelujah?

| CAMERON ASHLEY

AUDREY LAI lOCAl TORONTO MAN

If you’ve ever heard the hit song “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls, the singers seem very into the idea of multiple guys falling from the sky in rapid succession. Personally, I don’t really understand. Not only does it seem highly dangerous for both pedestrians

and the aforementioned men (and, if you think about it, basically a sanitised version of that one screamo song that goes “let the bodies hit the floor”), the idea of the male population on Earth rapidly and unproportionally increasing is highly unappealing and frankly terrorinducing. As an alternative, I’ve proposed four horrible weather patterns I would rather go through instead of raining men.

1. Raining Cats and Dogs

Cats always land on their feet, so unlike men, they’re less likely to get injured. Unfortunately, I’m not sure what would happen to the dogs, but sadly, sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the greater good. Don’t tell PETA about this.

2. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Maybe I just haven’t watched the movie in a while, but giant spheres of ground beef falling from the sky doesn’t seem so much like a bad thing. Sure, you’d probably have to hide out in a bunker, but everyone having the equivalent of a free, infinite DoorDash coupon for the rest of human history sounds pretty great.

Is he actually hot, or…

3. A Biblical Flood

I haven’t exactly logged the Book of Genesis on my Goodreads, but personally, looking at the current state of the world, I think humanity is due for another biblical flood. We would always be able to bounce back. Just look at Noah’s Ark! However, if there are really two of each animal on the ark, I’d probably take my chances and go for a swim. Are we thinking about the amount of weird looking bug species on that ship? I’m shivering just thinking about it.

4. Sharknado

I’ve always wanted to see a shark—this would be my big chance! Plus, sharks won’t manspread. In fact, they physically can’t! Wait, can they cross their tail fins? Never mind that. Would you rather have more men on Earth or get to meet legendary dance instructor and television star, Abby Lee Miller, who famously made a cameo in Sharknado 5: Global Swarming? That’s what I thought…

…does he happen to be age-appropriate and in the airport at the same time as you?

ADRIANA GORAIEB BARE MAN-IMUM HATER

Is he actually hot, or…

1. Is he literate?

The bar’s so far below ground. It is more likely than not that the last book he’s read was part of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, or perhaps he’s dabbled in some selfhelp business book. Point is, don’t be fooled by a man who uses three-syllable words, and take a look at his Goodreads account first.

2. Has he asked you one question about yourself?2

Is it really a conversation you’re having, or is he delivering a monologue interrupted by a singular question asking you if you UNDERSTOOD what he was talking about? Yup, let’s backtrack a little here.

3. Does he practise basic personal hygiene?

Tidy hair, nice scent, clean nails…bare minimum, next! You might as well be describing a housecat. There should be more to a man than the skills we’re taught at the age of two.

4. Did he express a singular feminist opinion?

Completing an assigned course reading written by a woman is NOT feminism. Let’s start by asking him to name five famous women and see where he goes with that.

5. Did he accidentally make eye contact with you when you laughed a little too loudly at EJ Pratt?

I think you just disturbed his study session. Getting a little carried away here.

6. Is he slightly myopic?

I’m a sucker for prescription lenses, no comment here.

Bonus points if it’s gold-rimmed glasses.

7. Is the golden hour light hitting just right in the room?

Let’s revisit this crush at 11 am in the morning. The Grinch could look a little cute during golden hour, remember that. JK, please don’t hold me to this.

8. Does he have a driver’s licence?

The average individual has one!! Never forget that.

9. Does he use Spotify?

No hate to Apple Music users, but just a little bit. Just a

little. Also, watch out for Lana Del Rey in the playlist… in which case, run.

10. Is he NOT wearing neon sports clothes smelling like a middle schooler out of gym class on a daily basis?

This one is rare! Grab and keep him if you can. Bonus points if he opts out of wearing a long-sleeved shirt under a short-sleeved shirt, and instead just wears a long-sleeved shirt on its own!

AITA for bringing different dates to the AGO and reusing my jokes?

Same place, different date

As a man, I always ask out my dates first. I’m not afraid of showing interest because I am a man. When they agree, I always suggest the AGO because I am a man in art history so that means I can explain every single piece of art to them. The first time I ever took a date to the AGO was way back in 2021, when the Andy Warhol exhibit was there. We walked around for a bit before stopping in front of a panel with the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. I remark, “This artist definitely has never seen a baby before.” And she laughs. A month later, she moved to Ottawa and never spoke to me again.

A year later, I brought another date to the AGO. But this time, it was the Picasso: Blue Period exhibit. We walked through the rooms before I brought her to the same panel with the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. I pause for a second before saying, “This artist definitely has never seen a baby before.” She laughs boisterously. I beam with man-pride knowing that this joke is a solid knockout. She probably thinks that I’m a comedian. I know I am a comedian but it’s nice when other people acknowledge it. “Wow Celena, you’re so funny, you’re the funniest person I know, I could never be as funny as you.” Which is something I imagine she probably wanted to say. A few months later, she tells me that I’m too funny for her and she can’t stand laughing all the time. We break up.

For a third time, I bring another date to the AGO. We visit the Leonard Cohen exhibit upstairs. We make our way around the rest of the museum before stopping in front of a familiar panel of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. I pretend to be enthralled by this painting. Looking at the details and contours of the body. I don’t care. I wait for my date to catch up. She finally walks up behind me. “I love this painting,” I say. “This artist definitely has never seen a baby before.” She scoffs and turns away. She’s too proud to admit that I’m the more funny one in the relationship. A week later she tells me that we can’t see each other anymore, hiding behind

the facade of “not being ready for anything serious.” But I know it’s because I’m too funny. That’s alright, my dates are temporary, but the AGO is forever. At least until I’m 25 and my free membership expires.

For the fourth time, I bring a potential date to the AGO. We’ve been talking up the Keith Haring and KAWS exhibits. We take the elevator upstairs to visit our friend Keith, and then downstairs to KAWS. Right before we leave I lead her to my favourite piece. She asks about it. A wood panel painting, framed in red. Depicting the Virgin Mary and seated in her lap, the Baby Jesus. The rich textures of Mary’s robes cascade

You are not just KEN

This is your chance to be the manliest man to ever man

ISHA RIZWAN SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

It is a truth universally acknowledged, male species are always on lookout for ways to become more manly. Fear not, you have come to the right place, here is a quick and easy guide to become the manliest man in the Mojo Dojo Casa House. Follow these five pieces of advice for two weeks for the best results.

1. Boy Breakfast

You might have heard of girl dinner, but now it's time for boy breakfast to get all the hype. What even is boy breakfast? It's a lifestyle. In simple words it basically requires a dictionary, The Godfather and The Wolf of Wall Street. Blend up the dictionary and drink it while watching both of those movies.Now listen, it might not sound appetising, but you’ll be able to enhance your mansplaining skills.

2. Fit Checks

Throw out all your old outfits, and go buy yourself some jorts, yes, you heard it correctly, nothing says manly more than some jean shorts. But this isn’t enough, you need to rock these shorts with custom t-shirts. Do yourself a favour and get a customised t-shirt with the words “Ryan Reynolds is so hot” written on it because we all know every manly man has

a crush on Ryan Reynolds. Wear this outfit with confidence and strut your way through your mancave.

3. “ARGH”

Who needs talking when you can just grunt and thump your chest? Forget fancy words or deep chats; real men speak in grunts! Just grunt louder for big feelings like losing an argument and softer for tiny ones like stubbing your toe. Just imagine you are in a Vin Diesel movie and then it’ll become extremely easy for you.

4. Your protein shake brings all the men to the yard

Manly man is a synonym for gym bro, so you need to get your proteins in. Forget boring old protein shakes; spice things up with unconventional ingredients! Mix in some leftover pizza, crushed Doritos, and a dash of hot sauce for that extra kick. Not only will you get your protein fix, but you'll also feel like a culinary genius, seriously Gordon Ramsay who? Also, who needs a six-pack when you've got a snack-pack?

5. Back to the past

For this advice, we’re going old school!! Let's go fishing like men in the 1950s. Nothing says manly than a one-on-one time with nature. Why bother with fishing poles and bait

down her body. The contours of the Baby separate him from her reds. He occupies a different plane than his mother. The Baby, in a baby-state looks like a grown man, signifying the wisdom of a grown Christ. We pause and continue staring at it before I say my final thought. “I love this one because it looks like this artist has never seen a baby before.” She laughs and I think I might have a chance. She pulls out her phone and snaps a picture. “My boyfriend is gonna love this one.”

Is the reason why I can’t keep dates because I keep reusing the same joke?

when you can go full caveman and catch fish with your bare hands? Forget about the fancy stuff; real men do it the primal way! Just jump into the water, do a little dance, and grab those slippery fish like you're playing a game of underwater tag. Who needs fishing gear when you've got ninja-like reflexes? Bonus points if you can make a meal out of the fish you caught like Bear Grylls did in Man vs. Wild

Here is an honorary mention for the advice that didn't make the cut. Buy a sports car, so in every conversation you can flex it up. Also, get yourself some help too while you’re at it xx.