The Foolish Forum- April 1-15, 2014

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WOOF

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BARK

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RUFF

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THROUGH

April 15

Student body protests upcoming VAMPIRIC Council security measures

Photo by Zachary Tallent

April

Caleb Mitchell

Staff Writer CFMitchell@ualr.edu

1st National Gullible Day

3rd Free Soylent Green Burgers 7 p.m. - 9 p.m.

DSC Meeting Room G

10th Petting Zoo Opening

10 a.m. - 2 p.m.

DSC Foyer C

15th Jennifer Lawrence Autograph Session

12:30 p.m. - 2:30 p.m.

DSC Room 201T

Do you have a nonacademic event that you want posted on this calendar? If so, email editor@ualr.edu

Page Stuff :) 1-4 Merry Christmas, everyone!

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he UALR Vampiric Council stirred up campus-wide controversy last week when newly appointed official Dr. Acula announced plans to build a giant wall around the campus. The wall will be inlaid with silver and will have several gates serving as entrances along the wall. These gates will be constructed entirely from silver and those seeking admittance onto the premises will be required to undergo a blood test before they are allowed to enter.

These changes are the first part of the Council’s new campaign, the Student Initiated Lawfully Vindicated Existential Regime Based Upon Lestat’s Lycanthropic Extermination Theory, a movement that seeks to ultimately eradicate the presence of werewolves on and around the campus in the name of student safety, claiming that

humans and vampires have the right to a safe and worry-free college experience.

Though Dr. Acula was unavailable for comment, UVC Vice President Orlok said that the movement came about as a result of numerous complaints from UALR students in regards to the recent number of werewolves seen on or near the campus, and the influx of werewolf-related crimes. “Students expect to be safe when they come to our campus,” Orlok said, “and those expectations have been shattered within the past several months due to the increasing – and alarming – number of these beasts that have been found lurking amongst our student body.”

While many students are grateful for the security measures being put in place, others see the whole process as a huge inconvenience, or worse, an outright scam. Van Heavenhum, President of the UALR Keep Our Campus Supernatural Free club, said he thinks the

gate is simply another way that the recently-established UVC is trying to sink its fangs deeper into the neck of the student body. “If it was just the gate, I’d be a little less skeptical about the whole idea,” Heavenhum said. “As it stands, the fact that they’re requiring a blood test is just ridiculous – the Council swore to us that they would never consume the blood of students, but I find it hard to believe that they’re using these samples for ‘research purposes.’ Come on, can you people not see what’s going on here?!”

Heavenhum’s sentiments are shared by others on campus, such as sophomore woodcarving major and cheerleader Duffy Winters. Despite having a vampire boyfriend, Winters is an outspoken protestor of having a ruling assembly of vampires at the university and says that those who can’t see past the Council’s ploy are “blind, blissfully ignorant fools.” “Do we not give up enough for this university as it is?” Winters

said. “First they take our hardearned dollars, then they take the garlic from our cafeteria, and now they need our blood, too?”

Orlok dismisses all such comments, saying the blood tests are a vital part of the process to ensure that no more werewolves slip undetected onto the campus. “The blood test is an absolutely necessary part of the program,” Orlok said. “We are taking every possible precaution to protect our students and they need to realize that.”

However, as controversial as these upcoming changes may be, the UALR Vampiric Council currently has no plans to change them. The silver gates are expected to be up and running by the end of the semester, with everything necessary for the blood tests to be completed shortly after. For more information, please contact UVC secretary Barny Collins.

‘Mixed gender’ dorm arrangements coming to UALR next semester Pauline Mothu

Staff Writer PXMothu@ualr.edu

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tarting fall 2014, the dorms of the University of Arkansas at Little Rock will be mixed-gender,” announced UALR Student Housing officials.

Indeed, UALR has decided to become one of the fifty schools in the U.S. to allow men and women college students to room together. Students of opposite sex will share eating space, study areas, laundry rooms, and in some cases, bathrooms.

UALR Student Housing officials say this arrangement is mainly designed to accommodate students who would perhaps feel more comfortable rooming with a student from the opposite sex.

This decision led to many debates on whether or not it was acceptable. While students seem relatively in favor of coed dorms, parents clearly are against this new arrangement.

“I do not want my daughter to live with a student from the opposite sex,” a father said.

“What if something happens?”

“How come they are allowing our kids to do this,” another parent questioned.

“I am not sure it is a good thing that my daughter walks around in her underwear when her roommate is a male. She may be comfortable with it, but I am not. This is irresponsible!”

Students, on the other hand, are embracing the new policy.

“I do not see any problem sharing a room with a male friend,” a 20-year-old sophomore said, “as long as we know there will be nothing more than friendship between us. It

is all about trust.”

“I have a really close friend that I consider as my brother, I will room with him next semester if he agrees” she adds “We are responsible enough to make our own choices,” another student said. “College is not only about going to class, it is about learning life-lessons.”

The UALR Counseling Services counselors were asked on what they thought about co-ed college dorms; they do not see any problem with this arrangement.

“Men and women often have different approaches when it comes to living arrangements, like sharing of the chores and social interactions,” one of the counselors says. “Therefore,

one of the advantages of co-ed dorms is the interaction between opposite sexes.”

Indeed, this proximity between opposite sexes gives

students a better view of the living habits of the opposite sex without necessarily being in a relationship with each other.

This can be seen as an advantage for when students get married and live with their spouse.

Living in a co-ed dorm teaches them what to expect from the opposite sex, even though not every woman or man behaves the same.

Even though many disagree with a co-ed dorms arrangement, UALR Student Housing officials think it will be a good thing for the university. While applying for housing, students will have a new choice of rooming arrangement.

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April 1 - April 15, 2014

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UALR announces dress code to Ghost sighting in DSC is a headincrease safety across campus scratcher for school officials Hillary Perkins

Staff Writer HDPerkins@ualr.edu

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he UALR Dean of Students sponsored a meeting about changing the dress code during a meeting March 11 at the Donaghey Student Center in Meeting Room G. Darren McGerald, the Dean of the Dean of Students mentioned that students need to dress more formally.

These are the following rules for the dress code: No shirts that show off the midriff of the body. Shorts and skirts must be three inches above the knee. No leggings are allowed. Students are not allowed to wear sandals or open toed wedges or heels on campus, due to the risk of foot injuries. No hats or fitted caps are allowed. Men are not allowed to wear saggy pants.

Students are also not allowed to wear jeans or tennis shoes on campus.

They are only allowed to wear polyester slacks, khaki pants, polyester skirts, ballerina flat shoes, black dress shoes for men.

The entire campus was very outraged due to this change.

“I feel that the way that you dress is a way of expressing yourself,” said Tamla Simmons, a Senior Mass Communications major. “We are all adults, so therefore, this dress code is irrelevant.”

“I think that this will be a way to prevent crimes on campus and other injuries,” said Darren McGerald. Another thing that McGerald has mentioned, is that our dress code is a way of setting an example for the rest of the school campus in various ways. For example, the

idea of changing the dress code is a way of helping students to snap out of bad habits such as using profane, promiscuity and committing crimes on campus.

Another example, is there are sexual predators who stalk their rape victims based on what they are wearing. When a sexual predator looks at a female wearing a short skirt, it makes them think that she is promiscuous. Men who wear saggy jeans are looked at as troublemakers.

“For anybody to let something like that to come out of their mouth sounds stupid,” said Hillary McGuire, a junior majoring in dance. “In the summer, everyone is wearing tank tops and shorts.

So if that was the case, this entire campus would be a target for rape, murder, and robbery.”

In grade school, school administrators put out a dress code as a way for students to be more disciplined. Once these students become adults, they gain more access to their freedom. Then there are consequences behind every action that they do. There are some things that college students are old enough to understand, but not mature enough to do it simply because they cannot handle the consequences behind it.

If students refuse to follow the dress code, there will be disciplinary action involved. The first offense will be a 10 day suspension from campus. The students will also be forced to study the dress code and take a test. The second offense will be six months of expulsion.

The third offense will result is banning students from campus. For more information on the new dress code, visit youvebeenfooled.lol.com.

Marijuana sale legal in colleges across US Shashank Avvaru Staff Writer SXAvvaru@ualr.edu

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he National Marijuana Committee legalized the sale and consumption of marijuana in college campuses all across the country today.

In a surprise move that is being construed as both revolutionary and controversial, the NMC passed legislation this morning that allows marijuana stores to be opened within the confines of college grounds. “This is in our humble belief something that was long overdue,” Jerry Churchill, the divisional manager of the Arkansas NMC says. “There is no denying of the rampant usage of marijuana amongst college students. We all went to college. We have or know someone who began consuming marijuana in his/ her college years and continues doing it.

Now that various states across the nation have opened up to marijuana, why not let students get access to this legally and conveniently as long as they are in a controlled environment?”

Starting in July, marijuana will be sold in colleges all across America. Students have access to it as long as they have a valid student ID. Churchill says that one of the most thought-provoking pieces of marijuanarelated legislature that he had read at the beginning of his career pushed him to support this move. It was in a recom-

mendation written by the National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse and reads: The criminal law is too harsh a tool to apply to personal possession even in the effort to discourage use. It implies an overwhelming indictment of the behavior which we believe is not appropriate. The actual and potential harm of use of the drug is not great enough to justify intrusion by the criminal law into private behavior, a step which our society takes only ‘with the greatest reluctance.

Thoughts and opinions have not been as encouraging unanimously. Angela Fletcher, an assistant professor at UALR says “What is the NMC thinking? Do they have any idea how difficult teaching and helping a student understand a concept is? The attendance rate of students is decreasing every year as it is.

Now, the teacher community was of the opinion that the only thing worse than a student that is not present is a student that is intoxicated. Now, there will be something worse than an intoxicated student – a legally intoxicated student.”

“I don’t care what people think as long as this legalization comes into full effect,” Hickory Dent says. “We students deal with superhuman amounts of work and toil. We have to balance assignments, consistent performance in and out of class, working to put ourselves through college and, not to mention, exams. When a student can enjoy a cold drink of beer as long as he is of legal age, why not weed?”

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Operations Manager Ryan Guinee

Shashank Avvaru Staff Writer SXAvvaru@ualr.edu

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n incident that can only be described as bizarre and baffling occurred in the early hours of this morning. Danny Rogers, a senior Systems Engineering major spotted a ghost in the Donaghey Student Center recently.

“I was just about done for the day and walking toward the parking lot from the EIT building, when I did something I shouldn’t have done,” Dan told The Forum. Realizing he had parked his car in the DSC parking lot he hurried toward it when he realized he had to go to the restroom. “I knew right then that I shouldn’t have gone in. I was alone, you know? And scared. Who wouldn’t be?”

He ran through the sparsely lit cafeteria and into the restroom. When he pushed the door open the lights came to life and immediately he noticed someone standing at the far right corner.

“The bright light hit me in the face and I blinked. But in that split second, I saw someone standing and staring at me.

But then, poof. Nothing.” Danny proceeded to walk in and stood in front of the toilet bowl when he felt the presence behind him. He slowly turned his head back to see him again.

“He was about 6 feet I think. He was maybe 40 years old but what scared me the most was his face. He looked bloody and his face looked as if a bomb had exploded near it. Broken nose, torn lips, scarred cheeks and blood everywhere.”

Danny slowly turned around but the man had vanished. Convinced that he was just seeing things he stood in front

of the mirror and began cleansing his hands when in the mirror he saw the man again behind him.

“He was standing right behind me now and he was breathing heavily. That was when I turned too quickly, slipped, hit my head against the corner of the wash basin and fainted.”

The janitor found an unconscious Danny at 5:15 a.m. Medical authorities arrived at the scene and within minutes, he was rushed to the St. John’s Medical Emergency Center.

“It is not unusual for students to stay until late in the morning and sometimes throughout the day in the Research Areas across the university,” Jacqueline Anderson, an on-campus Ghost Prevention & Safety Officer told on-scene reporters. “There were 8 ghost sightings that have been reported in the last 20 years - on the football field, in a classroom, just walking on college grounds, and now a ghost in the bathroom.”

According to her, the description given by Danny fits that of a 38 year old student in UALR in 1986 named Chad Thatcher. He was indulged in a gang war that ended with him being stabbed in the DSC parking lot.

“But Chad is alive and well, so we don’t know what to make of Danny’s story,” she said.

Trojan Alley to be converted into bowling alley Andra Onecic

Staff Writer ALOnecic@ualr.edu

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he Facilities Management department is in the process of converting the mundane meeting room inside the Diamond Cafe, known as “Trojan Alley,” into a free bowling alley where students on a budget can have a great time.

The bowling alley will provide food and drinks as well as a few slot machines. The already low-lit room will provide the perfect atmosphere for a fun hangout spot. The most recent debate was whether the bowling alley should have a theme. After a studentsponsored vote, the decision was made that the bowling alley will envelope the ambiance of a 1970s disco; a disco ball and colored lighting will be musts.

The Office of Campus Life will host weekly events in which students will win a variety of prizes. The prizes will be anywhere from a tee shirt to 50” flatscreen TV. The bowling alley is sched-

uled to be completed by the beginning of fall 2014. The bowling alley will also provide the opportunity for students to obtain volunteer hours by taking care of the equipment or providing food service. The university believes there is a need for outreach to the student body, and the purpose of this bowling alley is to bring together students and faculty of all ages and interests.

School will be closed on April 5th-6th for national Death Star Destruction Day Executive Editor Jacob Ellerbee

Features Editor Alexis Williams

News Editor

Sports Editor

Business Manager

Advertising Manager

KenDrell Collins

Alton Young

Jonathan Dick

Photography Editor Dallen Shields

Nathan Keltch

Adviser

Sonny Rhodes

Chief Graphic Designer Byron Buslig

The Forum is the official student newspaper at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. The Forum is funded in part by the student activity fee; members of the UALR community are allowed one copy per edition. When available, additional copies may be purchased for $1.25 by contacting The Forum’s business manager. Newspaper theft is a crime. Anyone who violates the single copy rule may be subject to civil and/or criminal prosecution and/or university discipline. The opinions expressed in The Forum are those of the staff and contributing writers and do not represent the official views of UALR. Students enrolled in MCOM 3320 and other reporting classes sometimes serve as contributing writers for The Forum. Advertising inquiries should be referred to The Forum’s advertising office at 501-569-3319. The Forum is published 7 times in each of the fall and spring semesters, and once in the summer. The Forum’s executive editor can be reached at 501-569-3265. All material published in this newspaper is copyrighted.

3 Slipknot to open for One Direction at free concert ualr.edu/forum

April 1 - April 15, 2014

Hardly News

illustration by Logn Sturgill

Alexis Williams

Editor AXWilliams3@ualr.edu

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ne Direction will headline a free boy band jam at 1:69 p.m. on Feb. 30, 2015 in the elevator of the parking garage that leads to Lot 12. Stefon Meyers, guest star of Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”, will host the concert which will include The Jonas Brothers, Slipknot, Ylvis, The Wanted, Rammstein, Big Time Rush, and polit-

ically-charged N*SYNC-tribute band Electile Dysfunction.

The concert is the result of a classic case of “I know a guy”. As it turns out, New York City correspondent Stefon Meyers heard that UALR’s Trojan Alley was scheduled to host a “Monday Night Dwarf Bowl” on February 30, and could not resist travelling down from The Big Apple to catch the fun. Anyone who regularly viewed the “Weekend Update” knows how fond Meyers is of dwarfs.

Coincidently, Meyers is also huge

Underground dorms coming to UALR in 2015 Alyssa Causey

Staff Writer ARCausey@ualr.edu

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he UALR Office of Student Housing confirmed plans today for underground dormitories to be built on campus.

Construction on the underground dorms will begin this summer and are expected to be completed in the fall semester of 2015.

The need for the underground dorms came from a lack of space and an increasing size of students. Due to the university’s attempt to make UALR a more traditional school, extra dorms are needed to accommodate more students. After last year’s implementation that all incoming freshman must live on campus their first year, administration saw the opportunity to expand.

The dorms will span eight floors. The first floor will be the ground floor of the building. The ground floor will have the lobby, a café similar in size of the Trojan Grill, and a social meeting room designed for up to thirty people to convene in. The elevators on the ground floor will lead down to the preceding floors.

There will be seven floors with dor-

mitories for students. Efficiency will be one of the main considerations when building these dorms. Next to safety, the priority is to fit as many students in the dorms as possible. The dorms will have a similar design and layout as the West Hall dormitories. The kitchens on each floor will be larger. The community rooms on each floor will not only include a flat screen television, but will include a gaming consoles too. These new dorms will include an optional cleaning and laundry service. A new mandatory service fee will be included in these student’s fees.

Energy efficiency will be implemented for the dorms. The roof of the first floor will be fitted with solar panels.

The energy obtained from these solar panels will fully fuel all energy usage for the first floor. The remaining floors will be have energy efficient technology installed. Energy costs are expected to be lower than any other dorms at UALR. The name of the new underground dorms is yet to be determined. The name will be decided by a raffle ticket drawing. Tickets will be sold in the lobbies of East and West Halls and the club house at the University Village. Tickets will cost $5.

fan of One Direction, Slipknot, and Rammstein, and he once attended a party of the “Jo-Bros,” where he executed Operation Human R2-D2. For those that may not know, Meyers explained the phenomenon of Operation Human R2D2.

“It’s that thing when a dwarf dials a speakerphone, and you put a garbage can over his head,” he said.

In any event, Meyers decided to invite those three big bands to UALR to watch the dwarf bowl. The bands were so ex-

cited about the event that they asked the other acts to join them in a totally free after-bowl concert.

Students can catch all the fun and excitement Feb. 30 in the parking garage near the Donaghey Student Center. There is no cover charge or need to purchase tickets; students only need the password to enter. The catch is that they must utter the password five times fast without messing up, which is “Fluffy Clumpkins on my Snuffalumpicus.”

Bieber shoots music video on campus, proposes to girlfriend Kendrell Collins Editor KDCollins@ualr.edu

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veryone’s favorite Canadian pop star, Justin Bieber, will record the music video for his new hit single “Mrs. Beiber” at UALR on April 1, 2014.

Despite recent youthful shenanigans such as egging his neighbor’s house, drag-racing in Los Angeles and allegedly changing his race to African-American, the Biebs song seems to imply that, at age 20, he’s ready to settle down.

Rumor has it that the video will feature a live proposal to his fiancé-to-be Chantell Jeffries who was seen cruising in Bieber’s Lamborghini last month.

“Since I’m retired now, I think it’s time to start a family. Maybe a few baby Biebers,” announced Bieber.

Bieber said the choice to shoot at UALR all started when he met NBA player and former Trojan Derrick Fisher.

“He introduced me to her,” said Bieber, “so I figured why not honor him by shooting the video here at his alma mater.”

Recording will take place in the Donaghey Student Center, on the Trojan Trolley and finally at the Jack Stephens

Center. Students from the theatre department will be used as backup dancers in the video.

As for the song, it sounds strikingly similar to his 2012 hit song “Boyfriend.”

It begins, “If I was your husband, I’d never let you go. You’d be Mrs. Bieber and everyone would know.”

The move to tie the knot with his most recent love interest has already caused an outcry of disapproval from his teenage fans. Girls are have tweeted at Bieber with pleas like “Make me Mrs. Bieber instead.”

Even college students on campus are boycotting the video, saying he should not go through with the proposal.

Bieber’s previous girlfriend, singer Selena Gomez, is also furious about the fact that he has made this move only a few months after their break-up.

“I had him first,” Gomez said. “I’ll be at the wedding. I can’t wait until they ask ‘does anyone object to this marriage?’

One lucky student will event get to bring the ring out to Bieber. In order to be considered for the role, students must like The UALR Forum Facebook page and post April Fools.

Batman movie to be filmed on campus Michael Smith

Staff Writer MRSmith1@ualr.edu

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s the smoke settled from the epic defeat of both Bane and the League of Shadows, one question rose above all other questions in the hearts and minds of all Batman fans throughout the world: if Christian Bale’s trilogy is over, who will be the next Batman?

After weeks of speculation, uncertainty, and widespread gossip, it was finally announced that Ben Affleck would be the next masked successor in a long lineage of heroic caped crusaders.

With any fandom, once one question is answered, and its myths are crushed, many more rise to take its place. Is Robin going to be Joseph-Gordon Levitt?

Will Alfred come back? Will the next Bat-film satisfy our fix for Morgan Freeman’s voice? However, the most pressing questions remain: are if the rumors

are really true? Could it be?

Today, fellow Bats, we bring an answer to quell the pain of cliffhanging uncertainty. The rumors are indeed true. Sources have confirmed through a series of leaked emails and faxed diagrams that several key scenes of the next Batman blockbuster will be filmed here on campus over the course of the 2014-2015 school year.

This breakthrough has thrown students into an elated uproar. With news of filming to be scheduled mainly during daytime class hours, students will be encouraged to miss no more than three classes a week while watching the action-packed plot unfold throughout campus.

Film and broadcast majors will be encouraged to miss most classes and take notes while watching the shooting.

Engineering majors will be expected to keep quiet about any flaws in special effects logic. English majors are reminded the script writers make an immense amount of money and do not need suggestions. Drama majors should avoid asking for a close up.

Courtesy of DC comics

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Hardly News

ualr.edu/forum

April 1 - April 15, 2014

Carl the Condom: The New Face of UALR Victoria Hickey Staff Writer VXHickey@ualr.edu

Ball bounces in a new in-state rilvary: ‘It’s on’ Alton Young

Editor AXYoung1@ualr.edu

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he University of Arkansas at Little Rock’s division of Fun and Games has decided that it is time to get a new mascot for the basketball team.

From now on, the basketball team will be led onto the court by Carl the Condom. Carl will be replacing the current Trojan Man and will be seen dancing on the sidelines at all of the basketball games.

The athletic department decided on a condom for a mascot for a few reasons, the first being condoms are good at defense. Having a strong defense is one of the major aspects of a successful basketball team. Just as a condom will stop the seeds from getting to the goal, the Trojans hope to keep the ball in their possession. Another reason is condoms help intensify the pleasure, and the basketball team hopes to keep the audience pleasured by winning their games.

Beginning next year, the team will be known as the UALR Trojan Condoms.

This summer the bookstore will begin stocking the new line of spirit wear. Get ready for latex hats! If you have any design ideas for spirit wear, please email it to the athletic coordinator at ualrcondoms@ualr.edu. Hopefully our new mascot will lead us to many victories in the years to come. GO CARL THE CONDOM!

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illustration by Paige Mason

GOT AN EMERGENCY? NEED SOME HELP? Then you’re out of luck

Because it’s April Fools Day

he UALR Trojan men’s basketball team will get a highly anticipated opponent on their schedule for the first time ever when it plays the Arkansas Razorbacks at the Jack Stephens Center to open the 2014-15 season.

The meeting between the two schools was orchestrated largely between two professional basketball players and alumni of each school: UALR’s Derek Fisher and University of Arkansas’ Joe Johnson. The two met after a game between their respective teams and hatched the plan to get the game put together.

The matchup is something that the Trojans have been looking forward to since 2012. That was when secret negotiations prompted by the Arkansas NBA players began between the two schools.

The game will be an annual event for the foreseeable future. The contract between the schools runs through the 2020 season and the teams will alternate games between Little Rock and Fayetteville.

The Trojans players and staff are looking forward to the challenge from the state’s flagship university. “Everybody is already pumped up to play the Hogs,” UALR Assistant Coach Mike Lowrey said. “Oh, it’s on!”

University of Arkansas Assistant Coach Marcus Burnett was not quite as enthused about the matchup. “It’s definitely not on,” he said when hearing of Lowrey’s comments. “We just want to continue to improve and start the new season off right.” The Razorbacks are coming off their first post-season appearance in eight seasons after a run in the NIT last month.

The game may also prove to be a financial boon for both schools during this tough economic climate with tickets for the game nearly sold out already. Negotiations have begun for the women’s team to play each other within the next two seasons. Other sports haven’t been ruled out as the attention of the basketball matchup has made a baseball game a possibility for the future.

For now, however, the basketball matchup will be more than enough to start a new in-state rivalry. The two famous alumni that started it all have done well to get the rivalry started as well. “I told him (Fisher) that his school had no chance,” Johnson said.

“Oh, it’s on!” Fisher replied.

“It’s definitely not on,” Johnson responded.