18 trading placeS
By Kye Shealy & Monica Lusk
11 my brother & me By Fabian & Angel Griffin
THE EMPOWERMENT ISSUE 05 empowering conversation 13 trans-movement
23 ARTs
06 gay lives matter
15 HIV News
24 the grey area
16 the other blue pill
25 trump a friend
By Gwendolyn D. Clemons
By Davin D. Clemons, MDiv
07 Spirituality
By Dr. Darnell Gooch
09 gay, black & the church By Tonyka and Jonita McKinney
By Renae Taylor
By Joseph Mitchell
By Martavious Hampton
21 ARe you afraid of the big bad.. By Eddie Wiley
By Lawayne Childrey
By Judah James Lion
or foe of queers? By Ami Dudley
28 still slaying
By Gwendolyn D. Clemons
Be part of TUV Magazine’s Next Issue
May + June 2016 Send all stories and articles to: info@tuvmag.com Advertising inquiries: ads@tuvmag.com Deadline for ALL inquiries: April 1, 2016
TRADING PLACES
AN EMPOWERING CONVERSATION
+
WITH THE EDITORS
The complexity of gender identity and what it means to literally trade places.
THE “OTHER” BLUE PILL
THE
EMPOWERMENT
ISSUE +
Is the PrEP pill right for you?
“STILL SLAYING”
The Legendary Tommie Ross
GAY, BLACK &
THE CHURCH
VISIT TUVMAG.COM MAR + APR 2016
On the Cover: Tommie Ross, Kye Shealy & Monica Lusk Photographer: Michael Pryor
Correction from Last Issue Photographer: Lenny Mazliah
EDITOR’S LETTER “I MOVED”
Albert Einstein once said, “Nothing happens until something Moves.”
I Moved… thus beginning the 15 year journey which I will briefly share with you. One of the hardest challenges I’ve ever faced is to make the decision to change and become the person I am today. That process has literally taken me over 15 years of unlearning bad behaviors and replacing my flawed belief system with a wealth of information on self-transformation. Learning principles of self-transformation taught me that my self-defeating idiosyncrasies were consistently and directly tied to my financial, personal, and professional failures. By repeating negative patterns over and over again, I had been unconsciously participating in my own self-destruction. As I continued to falter year after year, I excluded myself from blame because one thing I was good at was rationalizing my own situations to fault others. Yet, despite each failure I faced, somewhere deep inside I knew that I held a greater responsibility to myself, my son, my family, and the Universe. The only issue was that I didn’t know how to change. When I finally reached a point where I was so sick and tired of myself that I was sure everybody else was sick and tired of me too, I was so miserable that I was willing to risk everything to LIVE with purpose. It was then that “I Moved” from a place of spiritual unknowing to the guidance of God’s whispers. Learning to listen to God’s direction for my life quickly aligned my steps to the change agents I sought. In 2001, the spirit of the universe connected me with the teachings of Spiritual Guru Iyanla Vanzant. In aligning with Vanzant, I was introduced to a plethora of thought leaders and their teachings which immediately resonated with my spirit yet conflicted with the teachings and beliefs I had inherited. At this moment, I was at a crossroad. Either I could hold onto those inherited teachings and beliefs, or I could follow my instincts: “I MOVED!” In 2007, “I Moved” from a place of unconscious ignorance to a world of information that offered me glimpses of the life I so desperately desired. I began to read the works of Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Esther and Jerry Hicks, Neale Donald Walsch, Paulo Coelho, and Les Brown to name a few. These teachings illuminated for me the root causes of my self-imposed limitations, along with the reasons those areas of my life had eluded me for so long. However, maintaining the level of commitment required to be the best version of myself was mentally exhausting. I relapsed because I stopped working on myself and failed to recognize that I was reverting to the traps of my past. But in this pivotal moment, the usual justification for my low level of decision making no longer applied because, “When you know better, you have to do better!” In 2009, “I Moved” from a place of emotional emptiness to finding LOVE, or LOVE found me. LOVE saved me -- not religion, not some mystical teachings -- pure, unadulterated LOVE. I found out that I was the LOVE I had been seeking all along. But I could not discover this until I understood that although I’d been given a wealth of information, it served no working purpose if I wasn’t applying it correctly. Once I learned that I was still a student and that these lessons were lifetime lessons rather than a quick fix for years of erroneous thinking, I was on the road to recovery. In 2013, “I Moved” in sync with the Universe, each step being guided by a force greater than me, into what it meant to truly be a part of Her laws. These laws helped me remember my earthly assignment, and my purpose in life. Make no mistake about it; we are here for a higher purpose. In 2016, I am still moving with the understanding that as I continue to transform from a life of pain, rejection, name-calling, bashing, shaming, and abandonment, I must never stop learning. As I continue to learn, and as I continue to Move, I will continue to synergize with you as our readers. Throughout this Year of the “Unleashing Movement!” and beyond, I hope that you, too, will uncover the strength and resilience to Move. “If you are not willing to risk, you cannot grow; if you cannot grow, you cannot become your best; if you cannot become your best, you cannot be happy; if you cannot be happy, then what else is there?” - Les Brown
05 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
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hen we say Black Lives Matter, we cannot pick and choose which ones. Yet there are times when it seems that the Black Lives Matter movement stimulates some sort of tunnel vision regarding what black issues do and do not warrant discussion, concern, or consideration. At the one Black Lives Matter meeting I ever attended, a prompt assumption was made that the only plausible reason for my interest and my presence must be an underlying intention of using the BLM movement to further the “gay agenda” -- the implication being that as a Gay Black Man I am somehow exempted from issues concerning the black community as a whole, and consequently unwelcome to contribute to their advocacy. In other words, apparently, my gayness trumps my blackness. It seems that my black life mattered only until it came out that I was a gay man. I was a friend, co-worker, church member, and constituent until this became a known fact about me. And after a while, being told over and over again that my own Creator doesn’t love me -- that not even to Him does my gay black life matter -- almost convinced me that it might be true. I was many steps into the journey of my spiritual walk before the epiphany finally came that my Gay Black Life does indeed have value, that my Creator loves all His children, and that He made no mistakes in the gifts He gave us. Yes, make no mistake about it, there is a gift in being gay. In the words of Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, “Being gay has given me a deeper understanding of what it means to be in the minority . . . It’s made me more empathetic, which has led to a richer life. It’s been tough and uncomfortable at times, but it has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It’s also given me the skin of a rhinoceros.” Likewise, embracing my “otherness” has removed the shackles of NORMAL from me, revealing that I am more than a choir director, more than a flamboyant hairdresser, and more than your KiKi “sister” -- which are the only times gay black lives seem to matter to those who tolerate us only long enough to proselytize through our talents while condemning us among their constituents. Now that I know better, it troubles me greatly that such oppressive thinking continues to dismantle the self-perception of other gay black sisters and brothers who do not.
Executive Publisher
In truth, a black life matters -- any black life matters -- because it is a life. A black life matters even if the threat to it did not happen to arise from police brutality. So for me the question has become as simple as this: where is all the outrage for how much else is wrong across our communities aside from police shootings? I understand that the Criminal Justice System is now the “New Jim Crow” according to the NAACP: African Americans constitute nearly 1 million of the total 2.3 million people in prison -- and I’m sure that many gay black lives are included among those millions. But what about the housing policies still needed to protect already socio-economically disadvantaged black people from displacement in the face of rising housing costs? What about access to affordable health care? And yes, what about jobs for the even further disadvantaged LGBTQ persons in our black community who still struggle on the mere basis of who they’re compelled to love? What about the 21 senseless killings of transgender sisters and brothers in 2015? We cannot forget that these too are threats to the black lives that matter so much.
THE
V
NLEASHED
OICE
MA GA ZINE
TUV Mission
TUV Vision
The Unleashed Voice Magazine (TUV Magazine) will cultivate the stories of LGBTQ people with engaging and empowering conversation to people of the world about the multicultural LGBTQ Community.
“...It’s more than a magazine-It’s a Synergized Movement.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 40 percent of all new HIV infections in the U.S. occur among black people, who account for 12 percent of the total population: “Black gay and bisexual men are believed to represent less than 1 percent of the nation’s population, but we represent an estimated one-quarter of all new infections every year. If these trends continue, it is estimated that black gay and bi men have a 60 percent chance of becoming HIV-positive by the time they reach age 40.” Young black gay and bisexual men have the highest rate of infection, and transgender people of color are also heavily affected. This is yet another major threat to thousands of black lives -- yet there are those who would have us believe that those issues threatening these lives just don’t matter quite so much because they’re not the right black lives. I’m a double minority within my own black community, and I insist that we work together to uplift all black people -- regardless of our known and unknown differences. The next time the value of my Gay Black Life is called into question, I will look my antagonizers straight in the eyes and tell them I walk in the footsteps of James Baldwin, Langston Hughes, Bayard Rustin, Mabel Hampton, Sheryl Swoopes, Wanda Sykes, and Black Gospel Music. So damn right my black gay life matters! With dignity, I hope that you will tell them the same. Let’s get in FORMATION!! MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 06
SPIRITUALITY
O
n the last day of 2012, during a speech at my fiancé’s commencement ceremony from Memphis Theological Seminary, I heard words for the very first time from a particular petite yet daring, passionate, controversial lady. Dr. Phyllis Tickle, then a 78-year-old caucasian woman, spoke in a manner that shook the foundations of the Church, the seminary, and every person present. With her profundity of speech, she addressed the seemingly unprecedented times of change that were inciting a reconfiguration, if not a downright upheaval, of what the typical westernized culture expected to experience in the 21st century. The Age of the Spirit, a book she co-authored with Jon Sweeney, discusses a certain phenomenon in history wherein the world consistently experiences some type of grand reformation, transformation, or evolution approximately every five hundred years. “From the Great Transformation to the Great Emergence,” they assert, “every five-hundred-year pivot in Latinized history has been marked by (or perhaps one should say haunted by) one overarching question, of ‘Where now is our authority?’ Or put another way, as often happens, ‘How now shall we live?’” Hearing Dr. Tickle speak, I knew exactly where her message was going. She was centering her speech on the topic of embracing inclusivity and marriage equality, both of which were at the root of the movement most currently underway. For religious listeners in attendance, this may have seemed to challenge their faith. But this was not some new moral revamping conveniently emerged for the mere sake of accommodating changing times. Instead, what I grasped from her message was that there is nothing inherently restrictive about how the Holy Spirit wishes to move throughout the earth and within all people. Thus, as we evolve with our culture, we must realize that the Holy Spirit does move, dwell, and work through LGBTQ Christians, too, as faithful and devout believers, pastors, parishioners, and more, who are capable and justified in holding a fundamental authority in the church as their callings compel them to do so. Indisputably, some of the church’s most anointed members do also happen to be gay. Nevertheless, in my experience, it often appears to upset the Black Church and even the Black Experience, when its constituents can’t seem to readily comprehend how the Holy Spirit moves. Yet there is no verifiable religious basis for suggesting that God can’t use a gay man or woman as a vessel for His love and His teachings. Furthermore, there is no such veritable basis for the popular yet fictitious concepts underlying common oppressive assertions that homosexuality is a sin that warrants eternal condemnation to Hell. Learning to read and study for ourselves is the truest, most reliable remedy for all such misconceptions. My own explorational endeavors to enlighten myself regarding the difference between religious truths and dogmatic fictions have empowered me to experience God as a Black, gay, Christian man with a long overdue absence of shame. Romans 11:29 says, “For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.” I have embraced as my gifts that I am anointed and charismatic enough that I can preach with the best of them. No longer do I believe for even a single second that God would deprive me of my anointing simply because I am gay, and neither should you believe that he would divest you of yours for such a reason. I leave you with this reminder, in hopes that it enlightens your heart and ignites your fire as it did mine. When Paul told Timothy to “stir up” the gift within, he insisted that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind — that we must neither be ashamed of Christ’s testimony, nor must we be prisoners, but rather that we must be partakers in the afflictions of the gospel according to God’s purpose, power, and grace. If God has bestowed gifts upon you, then those gifts have never left you. If God has called you to serve Him as only you can, then no one can reject His call but you. And so, with that, I ask you: “How now shall you live?”
07 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
CATHOLIC MINISTRY
T
hese are words of invitation, comfort, unconditional love and acceptance from Lady Liberty as she lights the harbor for strangers. How appropriate, that these words come from the bosom of a woman. When we think of unconditional love and acceptance, our first image is usually that of our mothers. Like Lady Liberty, our churches too are commonly identified with the feminine. These images are comforting especially for so many of us in the LGBTQ community who, for years, have been rejected by our mother churches. We can relate to the isolation and abandonment experienced also by those who entered our harbors of America without a country, a home, a safe place. All the more that we celebrate together when we are finally welcomed home and invited to sit at the table with our faith community. More than ever before, the LGBTQ community is finding comfort, acceptance, and yes, unconditional love in the churches we grew up in that once rejected us. We are coming home and finding our mother churches welcoming us with open arms. Inspired by the power of love and acceptance to transform us and give us wings to help others, the Catholic Ministry with Gay and Lesbian Persons has thrived in Memphis for 10 years, many of which were spent learning how to lay down our baggage and forgive our Church for having ever closed her doors on us. More recently, however, we have focused on seeking ways to give back, to reach out, to light a torch for others and lead them to a place of refuge and acceptance. This is the gift of unconditional love; its wings flourish and seek out others to embrace.
That’s why our ministry joined the Memphis-wide homeless ministry called Room in the Inn during the recent winter months. As our way of paying it forward, we opened our Church doors to house the homeless, our honored guests to whom we offered safe harbor, warmth, food, and company for the cold nights. Just as our Church opened her doors for us, we opened them for our homeless brothers and sisters seeking refuge from harsh winter nights. Certainly, housing the homeless for a few evenings over the winter months didn’t solve their problems. Though it was only temporary reprieve from the cold, it was a start -- a bridge of fellowship and gesture of love for those who often are overlooked, a chance to put love in action and say, “I see you, and you have value.” The archway above the altar at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception Church on Central Avenue reads, “Come to Me all you who labor and are heavily burdened and I will refresh you.” Placing those words in our hearts, we share them in action as one faith family under the roof of our Mother Church. This is how love transforms a community. This is how acceptance of our differences and uniting as one faith community changes a city: one person at a time. How is love moving you to share your blessings with others?
MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 08
I
t was their motivation to bolster understanding of what it means to be Black, Gay, and Christian that led Tonyka and Jonita McKinney to participate in the BET documentary Holler If You Hear Me: Black and Gay in the Church. In the film, the couple was interviewed during the days leading up to their May 2015 marriage ceremony. During this time, Tonyka’s mother, a devout Christian, decided that supporting their marriage was something her religious beliefs simply couldn’t allow, calling their union a mistake she could not believe God would make. For Tonyka, growing up as a Preacher’s Kid had already come with its own set of challenges, especially with respect to walking in the truth of who she is. When she came out, her family shunned her, including the uncle who’d helped raise her and taught her how to read. Nevertheless, her mother’s refusal to attend their wedding felt like an unexpected blow. “My mother is my best friend,” says Tonyka, “so as you can imagine, her choice not to attend my wedding was emotionally challenging for me. It’s still impossible for me to understand how the same God I love and serve daily, the same God she’s raised me to honor, could lead her to the conclusions she has about same-gender loving people.” Months after the documentary, not much about her mother’s position has changed. While tensions and difficulties persist, the conversation is not over. Their faith drives their marriage, their life together, and their standard for living in a way that draws others to Christ. Understanding that they are confirmation of God’s love, that no one can deny His hand in their lives, Tonyka and Jonita continue to use their faith to touch the lives of others. Tonyka works as a public health consultant, while Jonita serves as a Sergeant in the United States Army and is founder of Redefining Fire-Atlanta, a non-profit that uses dance to transform the social, emotional, and spiritual well-being of at-risk youth. Graced with the mutual desire to change lives one heart and one person at a time, Tonyka and Jonita feel especially honored by their unique opportunity to display something many around them have never otherwise experienced: a healthy, loving, committed, Christ-centered same-gender relationship. Raising three amazing children together, the couple feels called to combat the ignorance that threatens to block LGBTQ persons from accessing Christendom because they believe themselves undeserving of God’s love. “Our ability to love and live just as we are has the power to change the perceptions of others,” Tonyka declares. “We will work our entire lives to let them know that God and his love are available to them too.” Others have thanked them for saving their lives because they hadn’t known that it was possible to be Christian and gay. Though challenges remain, they have overcome their own setbacks by developing personal relationships with Christ. Attending the Vision Church of Atlanta, the couple believes they’ve been blessed with one of the greatest bishops on this side of heaven, Bishop OC Allen, III, who ministers, “The only opinion of you that matters is God’s.” Likewise, their own mission is to encourage others to understand the importance of discovering for themselves how God feels about them, rather than ever allowing anyone else to dictate to them what God says about them. “As long as you stay in a place where what Mama, Auntie, or Uncle told you about yourself continues to make you feel inferior,” Tonyka insists, “you will never be able to truly embrace who God designed you to be.” Their sincere prayer is for everyone they meet to develop the ability to find comfort and confidence in the fact that God’s love for them is immeasurable, that God makes no mistakes, that they were created on purpose and for God’s purpose. They realize that for others who are still afraid to come out of the closet, it is liberating for people to see them living their lives as they are. Together, Tonyka and Jonita intend to leave a legacy of loving God, living for God, raising their children to follow God, and loving each other with the Love of God. After all is said and done, their life together will be their worship. 09 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
Created and Produced by BET Journalist Clay Cane
Persona
Get Your Gun Permit
TRANS-MOVEMENT
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hen we were 10 years old, my twin sister and I loved boy bands. From Dru Hill to Immature to NSync, our walls were lined with their posters. We bought every album, sang along with every song, and danced along to every video — just like every other girl our age, right? Not quite. While the other girls were swooning over which member they would marry someday, we were daydreaming about which one we wished we could be. Whenever we went to the mall, we’d sneak into the men’s sections and try on clothes, taking turns pretending we were Sisqo or Batman or J.T, trying our best to emulate their style.
11 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
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e were always getting dirty, playing touch football and doing martial arts with the boys in our neighborhood. But it wasn’t just that we were tomboys — we were downright devastated whenever someone realized we were girls. We wanted so badly to be boys that when we came across one movie about teenage witches, we were inspired by their antics: we resolved to learn “The Craft” so that we could magically change our gender. After an “Abracadabra!” here and an “Alakazam!” there, we ended our night of hocus pocus and went to bed hoping we’d awaken to find that our dream had come true. No such luck. The next morning, we not only woke up to the disappointment that we were still girls, but our mom thought we’d lost our minds — she couldn’t snatch our Immature and N Sync posters off the wall fast enough! After that debacle, we gave up on the idea that we could ever be the boys we wished we could be. Years later, we came across a movie about Brandon Teena, a transgender male who’d been raped and murdered in the early nineties. We couldn’t understand why those things had happened to him. We couldn’t understand why he’d been made to suffer so cruelly, or why anyone felt the need to take his life. And we couldn’t understand why his story touched us so much. Still uncertain what to call it… whatever it was that made us the way we were… as we got older we pushed the idea of becoming boys further and further to the back of our minds. But in our early twenties, the thoughts returned to us both out of nowhere. We can’t remember how we stumbled across the idea of transitioning, but as soon as we understood that it was finally an option that really existed for us, we didn’t hesitate. Regardless of who felt what about our decision, we had to make it happen. Since the South is typically behind on everything from gay marriage to gender reassignment surgeries and hormones, we left our hometown of Atlanta where we’d grown up as twin females and moved to Las Vegas to embark upon our new lives as transgender men.
men we are! But don’t come at us with some bull so you can prove how much of a man you are. We’re not thugs, and we don’t think we’re hard, but our mama didn’t raise no punks — so if you come for us, we’re ready. As far as dating goes, we date women, so we identify as straight males. But sometimes lesbians want to date us, which we can never understand since we’re men. Neither of us is saying we would never date a lesbian — only that if either of us did, she’d need to know and respect the man she’s with as the man she’s with. When we hear questions from women who are thinking of transitioning, all we can say is that looking back, we have no regrets. Some people fear disappointing their parents who don’t want to lose their “little girl.” But it’s your life. Either choose to be happy, or continue along the same lost, lonely road that for some reason makes everyone except you feel more comfortable. It’s unfortunate that for some, being transgender turns out to be just as lonely and depressing as being unhappy in the body they once felt trapped in. We lose so many of our trans brothers and sisters due to the depression caused by alienation from friends and family, or by fear that their transition just isn’t enough for them to be seen and treated as the people they know themselves to be. On top of that, the murder rate of trans people in America reached a historic high in 2015 simply because idiots refuse to respect or accept what they don’t understand or can’t control. In any case, it’s important to know, trans men and trans women, that you are not alone. What our cisgender adversaries have to understand is that we’re here, and everyday more of us are refusing to hide. Their bigotry can’t kill us all. Their prejudice won’t beat us all. We’re not going anywhere, so they can just deal with it. We’re not the ones with the issue — they are.
In the beginning, we struggled with the issue of whether or not we were “passing” since we were still often perceived as females, especially by biological men. One thing we’ve come to realize about quite a few black men of our generation is that they’re very insecure. They seem emasculated by our existence, like our manhood threatens or undermines theirs somehow — like we’ve become their competition, and that’s just not the case. We’re not even thinking about them. All we want is to live our lives. The first thing to come out of the mouths of so many cisgender men is something violent. We hate when we hear, “If you wanna be a man, I’m gonna treat you like a man!” I mean, isn’t that the point? Yes, treat us like the “We’re not going anywhere, so they can just deal with it. We’re not the ones with the issue — they are.”
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MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 12
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ill the real men out there please stand up? A trans woman is a woman, plain and simple. You should see and treat her just like any other woman you may want to date.
So we’re sick of hearing “men” ask, “What does this make me?” and “Does this make me gay?” Let’s just nip this in the bud, shall we? It doesn’t “make” you anything. You can still consider yourself in a hetero-relationship. Not that it should even matter; you love who you love. But I digress. We’re sick of hearing “men” ask, “So can I get with you?” and “What do you like to do sexually?” as soon as we open up to you and reveal that we’re trans. You can date us and see us as women and never once come at us that way, but as soon as we tell you we’re transgender you think it’s fair game. It’s not. We are not sex objects, and we are not flattered by your crude and tasteless come-ons. Have enough respect to continue getting to know us, just as we had enough respect to tell you our most intimate truth. We’re sick of hearing “men” say, “Put on something nice. I want to take you someplace special,” only to arrive and instead promptly crown yourself the reigning king of Netflix and Chill over and over again: “You know what? I’m so tired. I don’t feel like going anywhere. Can’t we just hang out at your place?” If there’s an attraction, and we’re just in this for some wam-bamthank-you-ma’am, maybe that’s fine — just don’t toy with us and lie about it when you knew full well you were going to do that before you came. We’re sick of hearing “men” cop out, “You know, I’ve been thinking. There’s really no future for us. I love you, and I care about you, but I really do want children of my own someday...” when you knew you wanted children before we ever started dating. Look, we get it. We know there’s never traditionally been a safe place to nurture the trans-attracted male. And we know you men are always seeking approval for who you’re dating. We know that if you have any reason to believe you may not get that approval, then you feel compelled to hide it, trivialize it, or deny it altogether. We know that when someone questions a woman’s womanhood — and people love to question a trans woman’s womanhood — it can feel like they’re questioning the manhood of any man who dates her. We know that’s where so many trans-attracted men find themselves stuck — in the throes of masculinity and the male ego. And we know that both are so fragile. However, we also know that love and shame cannot exist in the same place... that one will always overcrowd the other. Above all else, we know our worth. And we appreciate the real men who know it too. We understand that every man isn’t man enough to stand by it. We realize that real men who can permit themselves to live and love openly in absence of shame are the exception and not the rule, a rare breed of men secure enough in their sexuality to stand by their attraction. They understand that they cannot be ashamed of who they love. They’re prepared to make it a Bonnie and Clyde situation if they have to, from “love against all odds ” to “ me and you against the world.” They know and accept that sometimes, with a trans woman, that may be what it takes. To these men: We thank you, and we congratulate you. To the rest: If you’re not strong enough to arm yourself with that fortitude and integrity, then do not waste our time. Step aside, and clear the path for a real one.
13 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
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COMMUNITY NEWS Memphis Child Advocacy Center’s Sexual Abuse Prevention Training: A Few Hours of Your Time Could Save a Child’s Future. Sometimes it takes just one adult to save a child from a lifetime of hurt. The Memphis Child Advocacy Center (CAC) is training thousands of adults on how to take action to protect kids from the devastation of child sexual abuse.
twice the national average.
Safety is every child’s birthright. Yet, there are children living with the trauma of sexual abuse in every corner of Shelby County. The 2014 Shelby County ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study found that 20 percent of adults surveyed were sexually abused as children. That’s
Long-term effects of child sexual abuse can include post-traumatic stress, depression, addiction, revictimization, relationship problems, and higher rates of suicide. Children who never tell, or who are not believed, are at the highest risk. Research shows that most adults are unaware of effective steps they can take to keep kids safe, and don’t know what to do if sexual abuse is discovered. Some tell themselves their actions won’t make a difference; others are simply too afraid or too apathetic to take action. In terms of child sexual abuse, we need a global shift in attitude. We need social change. You can be a voice for children. At the Memphis CAC, we provide a smart, compassionate response to sexual and other severe abuse. At our child-friendly center, traumatized kids get the support they need to find safety and healing. Kendra* was 11 when she first came to the center after being sexually abused by her mom’s boyfriend. We helped Kendra’s mom take action to keep her safe. In therapy, Kendra transformed from a withdrawn, traumatized girl into a beautiful, confident teenager. Every year at our center, hundreds of children like Kendra reclaim their lives. We also work to stop sexual abuse from happening in the first place. We offer Stewards of Children, a research-informed prevention and response training for adults. This 2.5-hour training uses a combination of compelling video-facilitated discussion and a resource workbook. Stewards of Children addresses how predators groom children and types of ordinary situations that can put kids at risk. Parents learn how to talk to their kids about personal and sexual boundaries. Participants also learn how to respond appropriately to suspected abuse. Stewards teaches adults how to advocate for kids. For example, parents are empowered to ask questions about child protection policy at organizations where their kids spend time. How does the organization address one-adult-one-child interactions? Are staff and volunteers provided prevention and response training? Do employees and volunteers undergo background checks? When organizations need training on developing strong policy, the Memphis Child Advocacy Center helps with that, too. Eliminating child sexual abuse can seem like a lofty goal. Yet, we’ve made measurable progress. The rate of child sexual abuse in the U.S. has actually decreased in the past 20 years. In 2011, The Memphis CAC kicked off our Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Initiative with a tipping point goal—to train 35,000 Shelby County adults (5% of our adult population) by 2019. So far, we have trained over 15,000 adults at settings across our community. Together, we are building networks of trained adults prepared to protect tens of thousands of children. April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. It’s a perfect time to make a commitment to protect kids. Contact Kris Crim at 901-888-4363 or kcrim@MemphisCAC.org and enroll yourself, or your youthserving organization, in a Stewards of Children training. If you protect even one child, it’s worth it. *Name has been changed. Beryl Wight is the communications director for the Memphis Child Advocacy Center. She can be reached at bwight@MemphisCAC.org.
Misconceptions about Domestic Violence in the LGBTQ Community by: Jordan Howard Director of Communicaions Domestic violence often remains a taboo subject the LGBTQ community. Some victims worry about reinforcing bigoted views of dysfunction in LGBTQ relationships, while others fear negative responses from law enforcement or service providers. Some assume that available services are only intended for heterosexual couples. Victims who are still in the closet may worry that they will out themselves by disclosing the abuse. While it is challenging for any victim to gain the courage to get help or leave a bad situation, LGBTQ victims are often up against these additional fears and barriers. in
The Family Safety Center (FSC) of Memphis and Shelby County is one location that effectively combines civil, criminal, health, and social services for ALL victims of family violence. Together with our 31 local partner agencies, we are working to overcome these obstacles for LGBTQ victims so that help is not only accessible, but also sensitive to diversity. Our staff includes an LGBTQ liaison to help us better coordinate with local resources and ensure that victims receive personalized responses for the best chance of breaking the cycle of abuse. In November 2015, we launched our emergency housing initiative which utilizes hotel rooms and apartment units to accommodate intimate partner abuse victims in imminent danger, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Realizing that such available assistance is not a reality in all communities, we hope our model will spread so that victims in other cities can know they have a safe place to turn. If you are a victim of domestic violence, please know that help is out there. Call FSC’s 24/7 Emergency Hotline at (901) 222-4400.
AIDS/ HIV NEWS
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n April 5, 2010 I received a wake-up call that changed my life for the greater.
A true out-of-body experience brought me face to face with a frightening live-or-die moment that I never could have imagined having to confront. There I was, peering into my own casket, dying without uttering my final, “I love you,”“I appreciate you,”“I’m sorry,” or even “Goodbye,” to my family and loved ones. During the coma I lay in for three weeks, a conversation with God compelled me to confront the direction of my life and the calling I had been running from for years. What stopped me in my tracks more than anything was what I learned upon finally emerging from my coma -- that the burdensome secret I’d long and fearfully withheld from all my loved ones, my family, my friends, and my church had been revealed. While I lay unconscious, doctors had informed my mother and siblings that I was HIV positive, and that I had been for some time. Being an intricate part of the church — a preacher’s kid, pastor’s kid, ordained elder, choir member, musician, youth leader, and all-around church aficionado — it felt nearly impossible to reveal that truth to the people I knew loved me most and yet would criticize me mercilessly on every hand for being a “closeted gay” now living with HIV. There was no way in HELL I was telling anybody my business.
However, God had other plans for my life and saw to it that I commenced with the calling I would never in a million years have envisioned for myself, ministering to individuals “the church” is typically inclined to kick to the curb and abandon. No longer fettered by the weight of my secrecy and shame, I was finally free to acknowledge and combat the church’s long established pattern of using same-gender loving (SGL) people for its self-gratification while marginalizing and discarding them immediately afterward in adherence to the tacit understanding that it’s fine to serve as long as their sexual preference remains covert. I’d long been one of the individuals made to believe God hated me because I loved another man, that I was going to go to Hell for being gay, and that my HIV diagnosis was God’s punishment for my “sins.” But not until after He got my attention by placing me in a coma did I begin to develop a genuine understanding of who God really is. Before that, I had always thought I was studying His word faithfully, but the reality was that I’d been believing and living by what I was told rather than what I read — big difference. After the coma, I proceeded with more due diligence on my part, researching HIV more deeply, and conducting more in-depth studies of the scriptures. During this time, I was able to hear God more clearly and see things more vividly through the eyes of faith. This revelation of God’s true nature is what made it possible for me to freely serve other SGL men and women, as well as to better educate heterosexual men, women, and youth about the realities of HIV and the truths behind many of its antiquated stigmas and myths. Overall, my mission has become to return to my community using the lessons from my life and my mistakes to raise awareness that will prevent people from devaluing the worth of themselves and of others. Understanding that my calling is to serve all of God’s children, it feels so rewarding to no longer be complicit in religious practices that have caused so much torment by inducing self-hatred, indoctrinating fears of eternal damnation, and nurturing fear of rejection by one’s family, even by God Himself. I know firsthand that such fears manifest themselves in feeling so hopeless, helpless, unloved, unwanted, and unaccepted that they push troubled people toward their most detrimental moments of desperation. I also know firsthand that it is in those moments that people resort to abuses of drugs, alcohol, and sex, all elements that may certainly fill a momentary void but also lead to a world of irrevocable dangers such as those at the root of my own HIV journey. The bottom line that I express to everyone is this: everyone needs to know his/her status. If you are HIV negative, take care of yourself by acting responsibly to remain negative. If you are HIV positive, take even better care of yourself to remain medically adherent by following your doctor’s orders, eating right, exercising, and getting plenty of rest. In 2016, with such a wealth of knowledge and resources available, there is no reason that anyone should die a senseless death when it comes to HIV.
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THE
ell By: Joseph Mitch
p u e k wa CALL
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rowing up as a young, same-gender loving man of color, I heard a lot about HIV. I heard family members make jokes about it, I saw peers stigmatize others in the community for being positive, and I knew how widespread the HIV epidemic was within the black community, especially for SGL men of color.
Fast forward to today… I have been on the other blue pill, known as Truvada, for about three months. This oral antiretroviral preexposure prophylaxis is a preventive drug also known as PrEP, which virtually prevents HIV infection if taken once a day as recommended. Before going on PrEP, there were three reasons I had for considering it as a precautionary measure for my health: 1. According to the Black AIDS Institute 2012 report Back of the Line, 25 percent of black gay and bisexual men will have HIV by age 25; about 60 percent of black gay and bisexual men will have HIV by age 40.
nausea and dizziness. I was relieved to learn that studies had shown that such side effects typically diminish after three weeks of use, and even more relieved when everything was indeed back to normal for me by then.As a same-gender loving man of color who works in the field of HIV prevention, I understand that I have a platform and a responsibility to lead by example. Since taking PrEP, I’ve embraced my subsequent influence among peers and clients, guiding them through prudent decision-making about whether PrEP could be a good idea for them in addition to other risk reduction strategies including condoms, seropositioning, sexual exclusivity, and/or regular testing. Three months into taking PrEP regularly, I am sure that the drug is revolutionary for the peace of mind it brings, instilling not only hope but also assurance to same-gender loving men who once felt doomed to succumb to the self-fulling prophecy that, “It’s not a matter of if you get HIV, it’s a matter of when.” In the end, PrEP isn’t just a pill. It’s an intervention.
2. I’ve always wanted to donate my organs and body for the higher purpose of scientific research, which some laws and policies would prevent me from doing if I ever became HIV positive. 3. Through the years, I’ve seen one gay relative and close friend after the next become HIV positive, which to me made it feel as though HIV was ringing at my doorbell. The statistics were simply too real! I never thought that initiating a dialogue with my partner about considering PrEP would breed distrust or suspicions of infidelity, but it did. Despite my partner’s reservations, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment to explore PrEP further. Before agreeing to prescribe the drug, he made sure to educate me regarding all of its pertinent information, as well as conducted labs and completed screenings for HIV, STIs, and kidney/liver health. When the time came to discuss the drug’s cost, my doctor informed me that it would be expensive but that most insurance plans provide coverage to assist. Upon leaving the doctor’s appointment to pick up the prescription, I was nevertheless flabbergasted when the pharmacist informed me that the price would exceed $500 dollars — and that was with my insurance. After extensive research, I learned of the Patient Assistance Network (PAN), a program available for individuals with such gaps in their insurance coverage. Thanks to PAN, at my second visit to the pharmacy, my prescription cost was zero. Full disclosure? Surprisingly, my earliest experience taking the medication wasn’t so pleasant. Although most people who take PrEP report no side effects, for me there were two major ones that kicked in by day three:
Manager/Sexual Minority Health, Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 16
FASHION WINFIELD
15 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
Places TRADING
Cover Feature
T
Featuring Kye Shealy & Monica Lusk
rading Places will take you inside the lives of just a few people who embraced their otherness by changing their gender in order to live their truth. Within these pages are two stories that depict their personal journeys of permanently leaving behind the gender into which they were born to transition into finally living as the gender with which they identify. From realizing their identities did not align with their gender as assigned at birth to navigating challenges of living transgender* in a cisgender* society, they share how they arrived at having no regrets about finally living as their true selves — with or without the acceptance of others.
*transgender: people whose gender identity differs from their sex assigned at birth (e.g. those who live as women but were born as men; those who live as men but were born as women) *cisgender: people whose gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth (e.g. women born as women; men born as men) MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 18
I
was 30 years old before I had any idea that it was from me, just get me a white casket, and I don’t want any possible for me to be my self. flowers because I’m just going to kill myself!” Growing up, I’d always been the “good kid” — a top student in high school, I’d always known I didn’t feel like a female. I hated inducted into the Honor Society, excelled at three different having to pretend to be one. I hated having to feel at sports, successful in my career. In the end, no one wants to times as though I was living a lie. Yet as far as I knew, there be a disappointment. But if this decision alone was enough was nothing I could do about it. So I just lived. Compliantly. to undo all the proud moments I’d given her, I was going to Unhappily. But I lived. have to accept that. The first time I heard anything about transitioning, I knew it had been the missing link all along. Immediately, I knew it was something I had to do. The best analogy I’ve ever heard for deciding to transition likened it to the feeling of having spent your entire life with the radio on static — and then finally turning the dial and finding a station you can hear. And for the first time, it’s clear. I first consulted with my employer to find out if I’d get fired. I know plenty of people are unemployed because of their transition, but by no means was I asking because the response would affect my decision. I’d been a firefighter with the Memphis Fire Department for the past eleven years, but I was perfectly prepared to put it all behind me and embark upon a completely different career if I had to. But my bosses, too, were supportive, assuring me that I could go to them if I experienced any backlash. Meanwhile, my friends, my grandmother, my aunt, and my brother were all also incredibly supportive. Although we do still speak, and I know that he loves me, my father had already begun to detach himself from me years earlier upon learning I was a lesbian. So the one person left, whose approval that meant more to me than anyone’s, was my mother. But that didn’t go so well. “Noooooooooo!” she wailed. “Don’t tell me that! Don’t do that to me! Do anything except that! You’re killing me! If you don’t hear
19 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
to acquaint herself with any other qualities beyond that label. What further complicates things is that as Kim, I was a lesbian who would therefore date other lesbians — but as Kye, I’m a heterosexual male, so lesbians who’d have previously been attracted are less likely to be interested now. And furthermore, until I’ve had bottom surgery*, there are also limitations on the interest heterosexual women may sustain.
When we spoke again two days later, she didn’t mention our conversation, and neither did I. We’ve never talked about it since. I didn’t see her again for three years. Even though we talk now almost every day, to this day she still calls me “Kim,” and I’ve accepted that it’s best for us to limit our long distance conversations to phone calls — no more FaceTime since my transition. The closest she’s come to accommodating my request to be called “Kye” is to leave it at “K. Shealy” on any mail she sends.
And for that surgery, there’s a $100,000 price tag which not all employers’ insurance providers consider as medically necessary, although in reality there are so many simple reasons that it matters throughout the scope of everyday life. Anytime I go out, for instance, I’m watching the restroom. That’s just automatic now, for me to at all times be aware of whether anyone else is in there when I have to go, just in case there are no doors on the stalls, to keep someone from having to wonder, “Why is this person peeing like that?” So I’m selling my house and planning to live very cheap to save With other people, I’ve learned to just go with the flow, enough money in hopes of having it done by the time I’m 50. but it’s always bewildering to hear anyone accuse trans (I turned 40 in March.) people of “tricking” others. For one thing, who discusses the most intimate details of their life with any and everybody In some ways, I may never be able to feel complete — from over and over every day — and who would want to? No the ache I still can’t shake for my parents’ approval, to the one does this or expects anyone else to do it — yet when invalidating reality that the gender markers* on my ID’s it comes to a transgender person, people act like it’s the cannot align with my appearance until the laws of the state easiest conversation to engage in day in and day out while I was born in say so, to the six-figure price tag on the bottom we’re just trying to live our lives like anyone else. I’m usually surgery that my insurance will not cover. But when I look in pretty open about it, but I do have to pick and choose, and the mirror now, I see who I am supposed to be. sometimes it honestly just depends on the mood I’m in. I like to let people get to know me before I say anything, and if I feel good about myself. It’s why I’ve been able to go on. I we happen to wind up on a topic that pertains to it, then I see things differently now. I do things differently now. I run tell them. The reactions are priceless because it still doesn’t every day. I’m just excited… about my life, my body, what occur to most people that they might ever actually meet I’m going to do next. I’ve been given this opportunity to live anybody who’s transgender. When one man I’d befriended my life the way I want to, so I’m going to live it. I do not — brought up a chat he’d had with his daughter about how I cannot — care who likes it or understands. That’s why it wrong it was that same-sex marriage was legalized, I just means so much for me to tell my story, in hopes of helping let him speak his mind. A month and several conversations anyone else out there who struggles with making similar later, when something else came up about the LGBTQ decisions about how to live their own lives. community, I told him, “Well, I already know how you feel about this, but I’m transgender.” I could see in his eyes that There’s an unsettling obsession in our society with genitalia, he must have remembered that other conversation, and he’d but it’s not what determines who a person is. People will say sincerely had no idea. He’d respected me, hung out with me, all day, “I don’t understand,” and, “Why would anyone want and enjoyed my company on so many occasions without ever to do that?” I’ve had to learn that sometimes it’s not actually once realizing that I was someone to whom he’d otherwise a question, not a sincere desire for enlightenment — it’s a never knowingly have given his acceptance, friendship, or judgment. For a person to understand, they have to want to approval. understand, and most simply don’t want to. And that’s fine. But life is simply too short to be unhappy. I look all around Of course, dating is a touchier subject. Most trans men I’ve me everyday and see people living their lives the way they conferred with agree that it’s best to wait a week or so before want to — and if you ask them about anything you don’t telling a woman he wasn’t born a man, if for no other reason understand or may not approve of, they’re quick to say it’s than the need to have a couple of conversations first. When their decision. So I had to make the right decision for me. you think about it, you’re putting something out there that’s very intimate about yourself, and to someone it may not even turn out that you like in that way. Furthermore, saying *bottom surgery: sex reassignment surgery to the bottom something sooner than she’s had a chance to get to know you half of one’s body risks allowing her to hear that and only that, overpowering *gender markers: words indicating one’s gender on the spectrum of who you are before even giving her a chance identification such as driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate
KYE SHEALY
Monica Lusk
F
or as long as I can remember, I’ve admired the way women present themselves — enthralled by the way they act, infatuated with the way they dress, amazed by how beautiful they could be. By first grade, I wasn’t very boyish at all, and by the time I was ten there was no denying that I was “different.” My parents sent me to counseling in an effort to figure out what was going on with me, wondering whether I had been molested or anything like that. It only took a few sessions for them to understand that there was nothing “wrong.” I was just different.
I mostly hung around girls, and I was always mistaken for a girl when I was with them. It was never intentional, but it never once offended me. I was always flattered. I had really long hair and never grew a beard or mustache. I was never very masculine; my mannerisms were undeniably feminine. I dressed well, usually in unisex clothes. My crushes were always on guys; I was never attracted to females. I danced well, and I was popular in school, so I never felt unaccepted. The writing was on the wall. By the time I was 15, I was pretty sure I wanted to be a female. By the time I was 19, I went for it, deciding to live my life as a girl. I carried myself respectfully, and I was never flamboyant or over the top. I just stopped wearing unisex clothes and started sporting the casual college girl look of jeans and a fitted top, never so much sporting dressy heels or short dresses. And it was around this time that Snoop started wearing a perm and guys were starting to wear their hair straight, so I figured I could get away with pressing my hair out without being judged. I’d never heard of anyone transitioning before, and I didn’t really think of it in those terms. I just did what made sense for me. It wasn’t until maybe five years later that I learned anything about hormones or surgeries and began the actual physical process of transitioning. I don’t go around wearing a t-shirt that says I’m a transgender woman, but I’m pretty much an open book. I’m not ashamed of being transgender, and I have no problem with telling people. When I fill out paperwork, usually I leave gender and ethnicity blank altogether, but if I check anything for gender it’s ‘female.’ Most people never even look at it. On my identification, I’ve never taken a male picture, and when most people look at it they never even notice the gender indicated in print. I’d been at my current job for a year and a half when my manager asked for our IDs to schedule flights for a training, and she looked closely at mine concerned and asked, “Did you know that…?” I smiled, asking, “What…?” She gestured for me to come into her office, then pointed to the words on my ID and said, “They made a mistake on your license.” I told her, “Well, technically, it’s not a mistake.” She couldn’t believe it. “Shut up!” she said. “I had no idea!” When she asked what she was supposed to put on my airline ticket, I told her that she should indicate what the picture looks like
on my identification — what she knows me as and has seen me as everyday.
When it comes to dating, my experience has been that it’s more important for a person to be attracted to demeanor than to outer appearance. I’ve been approached by homosexual guys, heterosexual guys, and even lesbians (although I’ve never dated a female). And anytime it’s been meaningful, it’s always been more of a mental attraction than a sexual attraction. For instance, when I dated one homosexual male, I still hadn’t completely transitioned, but he didn’t know that. As far as he knew, I was female through and through, and he was fine with it even though he hadn’t figured he would ever be attracted to any woman, transgender or otherwise. He had no idea what I had underneath my clothes until we’d been dating for a couple of months, and it didn’t matter to him because his attraction was to who I was as a person. In another instance, when I dated one heterosexual male, after we’d talked on the phone a couple of weeks, he was so blown away by how much I had my life on the right track, going to school and working with my own car, my own place, no kids, and lots going for myself. He was so excited about his attraction and getting to know me better that it was time for me to break it to him that there was more I thought he should know. When I told him that I hadn’t been born a woman, he stopped dead in his tracks and said he couldn’t talk to me anymore. But three weeks later he sent me a heartfelt message saying that he was sorry for hanging up in my face and letting his immaturity get the best of him — that it couldn’t be about what I had down below, that it should have been about what I had up top. We were in a relationship for three years after that.
world for someone to scrunch up at you and say, “Oooh, sweetie, you got a mustache.” Being strong and firm in who you are and what you present keeps people from second guessing or thinking about it too hard. On the other hand, expecting a setback will almost always create one; if you go in wondering how someone’s going to react, then you invite the reaction you’re dreading. But if you’re confident, people will accept you with the very same ease that you accept yourself. Transitioning to a different gender should never consume who you are as a person. One thing that’s always funny to me is how overseas in places like Rio, people aren’t so judgmental. A person could walk around with a purple head, and no one would think twice. But here, in America, where we’re known for having so much freedom, you’d think this would be a place of greater acceptance for what other people choose to do with their lives. Instead, though, a lot of people here consider transgender as peculiar… weird… gross… but it’s not. We’re just human beings who were born one way and chose to live our lives another way in order to express how our inner selves feel.
People always ask me when I told my parents I was gay, or what they said when I told them I was transitioning — but the funny thing is that to this day, I’ve never mentioned any of it. They never sat me down. They never asked me questions. There was never any big announcement or coming out. I’ve always just lived my life, knowing people will either accept me or they won’t. If they do, that’s cool, and if they don’t, it’s their loss. It never occurred to me to handle my parents any differently. I think for a lot of people, that’s the key to a successful transition — getting it in their heads that they don’t need anyone’s acceptance as long as they accept themselves. Seeking validation from other people is a trans person’s biggest mistake because it’s attitude more than anything that makes a person “passable.” It doesn’t matter whether you’re pretty, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re flawless. There are ugly women just like there are ugly men. I see women with mustaches and beards all the time, who don’t even bother to shave them, so it shouldn’t be the end of the MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 20
MSM
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s a concept, it’s pretty much inescapable. Anywhere you go, you can rest assured that it’s lying in wait to unjustly assault some misunderstood entity or another. It exists in a multitude of forms, it lurks throughout our respective communities, and it manifests itself in our everyday lives at school, at work, at church — even at home and beyond. So what is “it”? Stigma. Our good friends over at Merriam-Webster define it as “a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something.” But for us, it means something far more intimate. There are three big, bad letters that most people fear: H-I-V. And while fear of any medical complication is perfectly reasonable, what’s troubling in this case is that just as much of this fear results from the letters’ medical implications as from the stigma attached to their proximity. You see it in the Facebook posts about folks being “sick” or “unclean” or who “got tha package” because any derogatory reference will do to keep from saying the letters themselves. You hear it when people whisper the letters so no one else will hear. You see it in the side-eyes at people walking into that agency to get tested. You might subconsciously cringe when you hear it mentioned on TV. Hell, you’re probably uneasy reading this article right now. But let’s consider what’s actually most unsettling: did you know that approximately 7,300 people in the Memphis area are living with HIV — and do you know that number only accounts for the people who know they test positive for HIV? Being an HIV/AIDS advocate for nearly 12 years, I’ve seen the debilitating effects of stigma on the black community, and more specifically on the black LGBTQ community. As one troubling result of the fear that stigma breeds, people aren’t getting tested — which means many don’t know their status because they simply refuse to know. Meanwhile, it’s estimated that more than 1 in 8 Americans with HIV aren’t even aware that they have it. Sounds scary, right? Well, it doesn’t have to be. One way to keep the numbers from steadily increasing is to know your status, so get out and get tested for HIV. Plenty of sites across the country offer free testing. In Memphis, we have sites like Le Bonheur, Friends For Life, the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center, and many others. If you’re HIV negative, keep yourself protected. Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, better known as PrEP, is a medication called Truvada that helps HIV negative individuals remain negative by reducing their risk of HIV infection up to 92 percent, according to AIDS.gov. (Nevertheless, I always promote condom usage because let’s not forget that other Sexually Transmitted Infections still come into play!) If you happen to discover you’re positive, don’t be afraid to keep living. Get in care. Take your meds. And LIVE! Since we first heard of HIV, the medical field has come a mighty long way with advancing increasingly innovative tools and practices that not only prevent the spread of the virus, but that also help people with the virus live longer and healthier lives. Through Treatment as Prevention, also known as TasP, a medically compliant HIV positive individual taking antiretroviral medications can even reach a status of undetectable, meaning that the amount of HIV in the blood is virtually untraceable — low enough that the chances of transmitting the virus are reduced by up to 96 percent, according to a 2011 study. The bottom line: don’t believe for one second that finding out you’re HIV positive amounts to the death sentence it constituted once upon a time. On the other hand, being HIV positive and refusing to find out is one surefire method of killing yourself softly. No longer is the virus the killer among us. Instead, the ironclad partnership between stigma and fear poses a threat which is far more lethal. The only way to kill the fear and stigma is to normalize normalize HIV testing. We need to talk about HIV. And when I say talk about it, I mean in the open — not hidden away in a corner, and not just to that to one friend who’s already familiar with the virus. We can stop perpetuating the misguided notions that a person who is HIV positive is “dirty” or “slutty” or “deserves it” or is in any way less of a person than the next. HIV is not a curse, nor is it a punishment. I don’t care what that pastor told you. HIV was not sent here to punish the gays or the drug users.
Educate yourself, and more importantly, educate others. Please check out CDC.gov to learn more about HIV, PrEP, and HIV treatment in your area. 21 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
CHOICES is proud to provide comprehensive, non-judgemental sexual and reproductive health services to everyone, including the LGBTQ community. Our goal is to provide you with all the information and resources you need to protect your health and make informed decisions. We will always respect your sexual health decisions and your need for privacy and confidentiality. CHOICES offers HIV Services to include: free walk-in HIV tesing, PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis), and Fertility Services for Sero-Discordant Couples (one partner is HIV+ and one is negative). For more information, call us at 901-274-3550.
AND DON’T MISS THE PARTY. April 16, 2016 / 7 - 10 pm Playhouse on the Square Pre-sale: pay your age (max $50) At the door: pay your age + $5 Condomonium admission and sponsorship support CHOICES’ patient assistance fund for un- and underinsured patients. Tickets: memphischoices.org/condomonium
1726 Poplar Ave. Memphis, TN 38104
memphischoices.org
trey pressley
YOU HAVE CHOICES.
Photographer: Bobby Thornton
TUV MODEL OF THE
MONTH
ART an excerpt from Peeling Back the Layers: A Story of Trauma, Grace by: Lawayne Childrey How does a troubled, black, gay youth from the deep South grow up to become one of the most respected news journalists in the country? Some may say it takes a considerable amount of talent, hard work and determination. But for me, it also included an immense struggle through a deep sea of adversities, including a crack cocaine addiction and an HIV diagnosis. At the age of 4 I survived a deadly house fire that claimed the life of my 2-year-old cousin. Between kindergarten and second grade, I was repeatedly sexually abused by my stepfather and forced to watch my mother being beaten by the same man.Despite those traumatic events, as early as third grade I had dreams of becoming a news reporter. But as fate would have it, distractions left me blindsided. Being the only child of a now single mother, I, like so many, found myself hanging with the wrong crowd. I began shoplifting and engaging in devious behaviors, but unlike so many of my peers, I never landed in the juvenile justice system. Throughout high school I excelled in my studies, winning numerous poetry and oratorical contests. However, I flunked out of college, ended up in a number of abusive relationships, and as a young gay black man, was spiritually and emotionally broken and dying from AIDS. By the time I turned 30, I was the primary caregiver to my mother, who had survived lung and brain cancer and was now suffering from a series of strokes that left her partially paralyzed. I loved her dearly, but the concerns over her health as well as my own left me in a deep depression. To cope, I turned to drugs . . . first marijuana, then crack cocaine. Finally, I convinced myself that the only real solution to my problems was suicide, but I didn’t have the courage to pull the trigger of a gun or swallow a bottle of sleeping pills. I had hoped the crack would eventually burst my heart, and then I’d end up dead. By the grace of God, that was not the case. At long last, I decided to rely on the faith that had been instilled in me since childhood. In quiet desperation, I whispered, “Lord, people are always talking about ‘Try God, he can work it out.’ Well, if you can do all they say you can do, please come to my rescue now.” Life as I had known it changed that day. I checked myself into an intensive drug and emotional rehabilitation facility. After months of therapy, I emerged as a new man determined to fulfill my true purpose in life, which is to speak God’s Word. Not as a preacher speaks to a congregation from a pulpit, but as a man who humbly tells the stories of how his own broken life was restored, renewed and redeemed by faith. Everyday millions of people lose sight of their dreams when life’s gut wrenching curve balls knock them off their feet and out of the game. With the grace of God, that was not the case for Lawayne Orlando Childrey, who has endured some of the most horrific trauma imaginable, including childhood sexual abuse, depression, a crack cocaine addiction and an HIV diagnosis. Childrey beat all the odds to become an award-winning and respected news journalist, a dream he has had since childhood. In his autobiography, Peeling Back the Layers, Childrey demonstrates his ability to persevere during times of immense struggle by relying on the faith that was instilled in him as a child. - summary from Amazon.com
an excerpt from Words Never Spoken: A Memoir By Craig Stewart (Volume 1) One of the best parts of life is when you can admit the truth to yourself about yourself. Thus, I’ve come to understand my experience with anonymous sex with strangers I met on the internet resulted from a bout with depression. Cyberspace is a world where one can become something he isn’t, but everything he dares to be. One can find whatever he cares to imagine because the biggest part of the illusion is what’s created in the mind of the person logging on—it’s the story we create about a total stranger that allows us to be enraptured in conversation for countless hours until we’re bold enough to meet. Many of the characters online are there for sex and demand in their profiles that you’re naturally masculine, but the cites allow those who are naturally feminine to sound masculine through messages like sup. Some even specify that you are of a particular race, height, weight or physique before you consider messaging them. But, those specifications don’t prevent some from being duplicitous by using fake photos or altered photos. The internet can serve as a magnet for those of us rebounding from a break up or a resource for the resilient that believe love can be found online and foolish enough to believe the odds are in his favor to find it on a sex cite. Sex cites are the unofficial antidote for loneliness. It’s a device for the depressed as well as a sounding board for homophobic men, and those frustrated with being jaded, heartbroken and disappointed. My depression moved quickly and deliberately before I realized it was occupying a section of my life. It wasn’t just the residual effects of the break up, but career lulls and financial setbacks too. The depression I experienced was rooted in sex, but it wasn’t just about the depression. It was years of suppression and denial erupting. My suppression was a conscious suppression. I was clear that I had been holding back feelings of being with men. It was like a disease that lay dormant that suddenly surfaced. I was like a church girl who had been sheltered from the world by her minister father only to break loose and run wild the first time she left home. I had multiple screen names to increase my chances of meeting someone attractive. The majority of the profiles noted HIV negative under status, but I knew better from the work I had done in the HIV community. I knew 1 out of 3 Black gay men was positive. At any given time there were thousands of men online, but only a few listed they were positive on their page and others left it blank—an indicator they too were HIV positive. The messages I found in my inbox validated me in my depression. In some strange way, they reinforced that I was worthy and deserving. I never used naked pictures nor did I use a face picture as my primary photo because my pride wouldn’t allow it. There was some level of shame for me to be online. It felt desperate to some degree. Days became weeks then months of me surfing for sex. This erotic surfing was a poor attempt to avoid emotional wounds that wouldn’t heal fast enough for me. It prevented me from thinking too much about what was happening in my life personally, financially and professionally. Some rebound from break ups at the expense of another person’s feelings, while others sit patiently in the pain and process through it. I used the internet to cope. My days consisted of waking up and logging on to see how many messages had accrued overnight. Some days I sat at the computer all day. I’d look up and the day would be over. The only time I stepped away from the computer was to eat or go to the gym. This addiction was monopolizing my time and it had spiraled out of control. Phone calls with my friends and family were met with brevity because my attention was occupied by online conversations. No one could compete for my attention. I was locked in a trance reading the messages and scrolling through the naked pictures on the other profiles. I left social gatherings early to return home to surf online. There was a science to my madness. I kept the site up while I was gone, so I could accumulate messages while I was away from the computer. I sometimes returned to double-digit messages flashing for me. For my own peace of mind I made small talk with the guys I met in person, so they weren’t total strangers to me when we had sex. It was my way of mitigating the shame I felt of having sex with someone I didn’t know. I even rationalized the sex by reminding myself that I was [dominating] them—they weren’t [dominating] me. But I still couldn’t get used to the emptiness. Craig Stewart is one of America’s most gifted writers. His work debuted on stage in Atlanta with A Day in the Life, wowing sold out audiences and critics alike. Stewart returns with his highly anticipated memoir, Words Never Spoken slated for release May 2012. Said to be Stewart’s most revealing and personal work yet, Words Never Spoken details his journey as a songwriter, entrepreneur, playwright and self-discovery as a gay Black man living in Atlanta. . . . Words Never Spoken reads like a diary that was never intended for the eyes of anyone other than its author. Stewart opens up about his struggles with love, friendships and a two-year bout with depression that led to an internet sex addiction. - summary excertped from Amazon.com
S
o, do I have some tea for you. Apparently, I have been living my life in something called the “Gray Area.”
Just what is this so-called Gray Area? It is the space between the masculinity and femininity of a person’s sexual identity. Okay, so weird right? Well, check this out. Oftentimes, we are taught that a person is either masculine or feminine, that there is no such thing as in-between. However, most same-gender loving people like myself know this isn’t true. If I am honest, it is somewhat boring for me to try to classify myself with one particular sexual identity. I am a Classic Man: bow ties, blazers, and Cole Haans for the Gods. Yet I am a True Southern Belle: pearls, lace, and pink are also among my favorites. People often associate this eclecticism with confusion or regard it as just another weird gay boy thing. Not so! It is easy to equate sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual expression as one big rainbow umbrella -- and, yes, all these are very close related, but no, they are not the same. Sexual Orientation refers to who you have sex with. Sexual Identity refers to how you identify in terms of gender. Sexual Expression refers to how you choose to express yourself, regardless of your sexual orientation or sexual identity. Look at each of these distinctions as branches of a tree; as with a tree, there are many leaves that grow on each branch.
On the branch of Sexual Orientation are leaves most typically classified as Heterosexual, Homosexual, and Bi-Sexual. Now, let me pause a moment and say there are more leaves on this branch, but for the sake of time, we will leave it at those most known leaves. Meanwhile, the branch of sexual Identity is often perceived as distinguished by only two leaves (Masculine and Feminine) -- and I hate to burst your bubble, but there are plenty more leaves on this branch, honey. In order to understand the other leaves, you will have to take your thinking outside of the box. Besides transgender and transexual, another leaf on this branch is called Two-Spirited, or the “Gray Area.” A person who is two-spirited usually doesn’t identify as either masculine or feminine, nor does such a person typically deny or reject being both -- rather, they believe themselves to be a strong blend of the two, equally. Needless to say, Two-Spirited or Gray Area people don’t conform to the rules and regulations associated with traditional definitions of sexual identity. While most such persons are same gender loving, one’s sexual attraction has nothing to do with how he or she identifies. How people identify is strictly about how they see themselves, which leads to how they express themselves. Living in the Gray Area gives me the liberation to express myself and define myself. So it’s okay to dance to the beat of your own drum. Like CoCo Chanel said, in order to be irreplaceable one must always be different. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a woman who prefers neckties over pearls, or a man who thinks pink is the new blue. We are just dancing in the Gray Area. So let’s just keep dancing. At least we will be irreplaceable.
MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 24
POLITICS
Is TRUMP A Friend or Foe of Queers? Depends On What Kind of Queer You Are. By: BY: Ami AmiDudley Dudley
T
he nature of Donald Trump’s relationship with the queer community remains murky to most, in part due to his long-standing opposition to marriage equality and yet his recent opposition to a constitutional amendment allowing states to re-ban marriage equality. And curiously, unlike his GOP running mates, he has called for protection of gays and lesbians in the workplace. With his hand seemingly extended to us, many consider Trump the most LGBTQ-friendly Republican candidate for president. But still, the question brews, “Is Trump friend or foe to queers?” Well, that depends on what kind of queer you are. It is a pleasantly empowering thought to perceive the queer community as a single and unified presence within a largely “hetero-glazed” society. Unfortunately, this notion is false -- pacifying, at best. In reality, the queer community embodies an assortment of persons differing in race, class, and gender. So when examining a candidate’s stance and proposals, it is pivotal that we also consider their projected effects on our race, gender, and class. When revisiting the question of whether Trump is your friend or foe, you must ask yourself three questions: “Are you a queer of color?” Trump has an extensive record of verbal crimes against persons of color. Blacks, Asians, Muslims, Mexicans, and Mexican-Americans have all been the subject of Trump’s distasteful, indigestible slander. While his words may not hurt us all, the policies he proposes will be the sticks and stones to do so. For instance, Trump plans to nurture police presence and power in spite of increasing public awareness of rampant discriminatory corruption, saying, “We have to give power back to the police,” when asked about #BlackLivesMatter during an NBC Meet the Press interview last August. Trump also plans to toughen anti-crime policies, a sour intention to digest for persons of color who, due to profiling, are more likely to be arrested than non-white persons. Furthermore,
he plans to enforce a ban against Muslims entering America and, worse, to require Muslim-Americans to carry I.D. cards that list their faith. Trump also plans to export millions of brown persons “back” to Mexico, dismantling and dividing millions of families. “Are you a working class queer?” With Trump’s very vocal support of the working class, he may appear to be a friend of the common laborer. However, while Trump does plan to return outsourced jobs to America from other countries, he doesn’t plan to do much about existing insufficiencies in compensation. In fact, Trump says explicitly that he will not raise minimum wage. With the U.S. Department of Labor reporting in 2014 that blacks continued to have the highest unemployment rate, and that Hispanics were trailing closely behind, Trump’s overt disdain for persons of color projects a pessimistic forecast overall for no-income and low-income persons of color in particular. “Are you a female-bodied or female-identified queer?” Trump has an even lengthier record of verbal assaults against women, and his misogyny extends to his intended policies that affect female-bodied persons if he is elected. For starters, he plans to defund Planned Parenthood and stop abortions. While I do not assume that every female-bodied person is pro-choice, regardless of anyone’s personal position, it is disconcerting that Trump intends to interfere with a female’s right to make up her own mind about her own body. Trump is not only looking to have his hands in women’s wombs, but also in their pockets. Statistics consistently show that women in the U.S. make an estimated 79% of what men make; when examining woman of color, that percentage is even smaller. And yet when asked [at the Problem Solver Convention in Manchester, New Hampshire] if he will enforce equal pay in the workplace for women, Trump replied, “You’re gonna make the same if you do as good a job.” Appallingly, his words imply that the issue of a gender pay gap doesn’t actually exist -- that when women are paid less than their male counterparts, it is simply because they are performing poorly by comparison. Essentially, if you don’t mirror Trump (white, cis male, wealthy) then he is not your “friend” and will not have your interests at heart or in mind when in office. So we must remember all persons that accompany us to the voting booth, including persons of color, female-bodied persons, and working class persons. Consider their relationships to the candidates in question, and understand that candidates like Trump do not have all of our comrades’ best interests in mind. We should remember through our votes and our voices that we must all demand the acknowledgement, respect, and service of our elected officials.
Image courtesy of minutemennews.com
25 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
ENTERTAINMENT Living 4 The Weekend (#L4TW), a newly created LGBT soap opera, highlights a group of college friends and their encounters with adversity while finding their way through the LGBT lifestyle. This second series under the umbrella company of Tennessee-based HD Productions is the first show to air under its Real Eyes Realize Real Lies production label. #L4TW is created, written, casted, directed, and produced by Nashville native Corey Knott, who feels that the LGBT community has a voice that needs to be heard. Considering so many ongoing issues that are continually swept under the rug, Knott promises that everything done in the dark will come to the light! He expresses that his mission is to display the real and uncut scope of all that actually happens rather than merely what is typically portrayed on television. The show’s first season will deliver a 10-episode arc spanning real life issues ranging from romance, intrigue, murder, betrayal, backstabbing, health issues, drug abuse, domestic abuse, jealousy, sex, and beyond — ultimately leaving viewers on a cliffhanger of total suspense, in true Corey Knott fashion. The #L4TW cast features creator Corey Knott, Shawn Clayton, Lamont Fleming, Brent Lane, Trinity Davis, Kenzel Tuff, CJ King, and Phalcon. After casting during Fall 2015, the show began production in early October and released its first episode on Christmas Day. As a Winter/ Spring series, #L4TW serves as the perfect mid-season filler for fans of the Summer/Fall series Real Eyes Realize Real Lies (#R3) while the show is on hiatus. Make sure you check out both series and subscribe to the YouTube page for up-to-date info at your fingertips! Schedule Episode 6- March 1,2016 Episode 7- March 15,2016 Episode 8- April 1,2016 Episode 9- April 15,2016 Episode 10- May 1,2016 Watch episodes via YouTube: Living 4 The Wekend
Monick Monell: The One to Watch Monick Monell is the one to watch in Brooklyn, NY. By day, she is a direct care worker for an organization where most of the clients and employees are LGBT. By night, she is one of the premiere promoters for the NY gay club scene and the clothing line for BrooklynBredNYC. Monick describes her own style as very Chic and Dapper, reminiscent of the 1920’s when suspenders, ties, and belts were donned at all times. Her grandfather, who stressed the importance of always being clean, freshly pressed, and dressed to impress, is who she credits as the source of her inspiration. Also an avid fan of lesbian reality shows, Monick will soon be starring in the LezFactor. The show is based out of California, but will be stationed in NYC for taping in April 2016. Monick looks forward to having the LezFactor in NYC since it will give those outside of the area a glimpse of “The Brooklyn Way.” Monick says that for her, the ultimate affirmation would be for the LGBT Community to become one as a family regardless of the gender or label anyone subscribes to. Monick is married to Simerette Phillips Monell, with whom she shares a home and six rescue pets they affectionately call their “crazy kids.” The Monells moved to NYC shortly after living in Virginia, where they had experienced rampant disrespect along with refusal to acknowledge their relationship. Today the Monells are living happily in Brooklyn, where they enjoy freedom and respect of their union. ntele r: Cha e h p a gr Photo
k
C. Clar
MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 26
BUSINESS
P WOMAN C.E.O
asha Cook is a native of Houston, Texas. She is a former collegiate and semi-pro basketball player. Shortly after graduating from University of Memphis, Pasha sustained a career ending injury. After a 4-year tenure as an educator, she decided her return to sports would be to educate athletes on how to identify and develop their transferable skills as a athlete transition and career advisor. Pasha facilitates ATHLETE TRANSITION workshops, LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT trainings, and EMPOWERMENT seminars. Her background incorporates work as an entrepreneur and her experience in the sports community, where she EDUCATES and consults collegiate and pro athletes on ATHLETIC IDENTITY, INTENTIONAL TRANSITIONING and BRANDING AWARENESS. Pasha has partnered with non-profits, corporate sports organizations and collegiate institutions in creating seminars and lectures that focus on the challenges presented by race/ethnicity, athletic identity and generational differences. -description from PashaCook.com
April & Ashley Tre’na
Memphis, Tennessee Wedding Announced
September 2016 April (Adagio) and Ashley Tre’na, both natives of Memphis, TN, first met at a June 2009 gay pride event in their home town. After that first meeting, they bumped into one another several more times — and Adagio found herself more smitten with each encounter. She rose to the challenge of Ashley’s hard-to-get demeanor, and three months later, her persistence paid off. They went on their first date and have been inseparable ever since. After dating for six months, they committed to one another on Valentine’s Day, since then commencing upon a six year journey of commitment, growth, and love. A year into the relationship, when Adagio was laid off from her job, she still consistently encouraged Ashley to focus on her talents as a licensed cosmetologist and nurture her dreams of entrepreneurship. Determined to reinvent themselves together, Ashley in turn encouraged Adagio to re-enroll in college. After establishing goals, setting deadlines, and planning strategically, in April 2013, Adagio began a new career; in April 2014, Ashley opened her own hair salon; and in January 2016, Adagio received her B.A. in Business Management. They humbly credit God’s unmerited grace for how far they’ve come together. After Adagio proposed to Ashley on their four-year anniversary, the couple set their wedding date for September 2016. Soon after they are legally wed, Ashley will give birth to their first child together, Princess Ashlann Elise Bryant. This will be the second child for Adagio, who birthed a son as a teenager and is abundantly proud of the man he has become. Despite disapproval from others who still cling heavily to traditional notions, the couple is elated by the journey that lies behind and ahead of their union. Forever grateful for all the blessings bestowed upon them thus far, they are eager to be the best spouses they can be to one another and the best parents they can be to their child.
A COUPLE OF FOREVERS Love Announcements
-Chrisette Michele
27 TUVMAG.COM MAR +APR 2016
GIVING NOTICE EDITOR’S LETTER
Slaying
STILL
By: Gwendolyn D. Clemons Publisher/Editor-in-Chief
A
s we prepared for a fabulous photoshoot for our March/April Edition, it dawned on me that one essential person was missing: my dear friend Tommie Ross. I called Ms. Ross to request her presence, and just as old friends do, she showed up and showed out!
Being in the company of Ms. Ross will compel you to understand how it is that she commands such respect that she is “Still Slaying” even the younger generation. When the Legendary Ms. Tommie Ross walks into a room, all eyes take notice immediately because The Queen of Female Impersonators still reigns! A native of Houston, Texas who now calls Cordova, Tennessee home, Ms. Ross has been an entertainer in the world of female impersonation for the past 30+ years. Among Ms. Ross’ accolades in pageantry, she is the title holder of over nine prestigious national pageants which include: Miss Gay USofA Miss National Miss Continental Miss Black America Miss Sweetheart ...just to name a few. Being a national title holder has given Ms. Ross the opportunity to travel throughout the United States and overseas, and she is still a highly sought after and reputable entertainer all over the world. Ms. Ross has not only captivated her audiences, she has also raised the bar for those who compete in pageants. HELLO WORLD, get in Formation because here comes
Ms. Tommie Ross!
TEAM TUV
Michael Pryor
Shawn M. Clemons
De’Mario Q. Jives
Whitney D. Johnson
Dewayne Murrell
Renae Taylor
Eddie Wiley
Ravell Slayton
ARTavius Veasey
Photographer
Administration/Fashion Director
Creative Layout Designer
Editor
Editor
Transgender Correspondent
Editor/Contributor
Project Manager
Graphic Designer
MAR +APR 2016 TUVMAG.COM 28
Happy
Easter
From our TUV Family, to yours.
TRANS-MOVEMENT
Our time is NOW! Model: Tommie Ross Photographer: Michael Pryor
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