UWM Post 3-28-2011

East Side

The Student-Run Independent Newspaper at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee Monday, March 28 2011

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Volume 55 Issue 24

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East Side Guide | fringe

2 March 28, 2011

The UWM Post

Letter from the Editor Welcome back from Cancun (or your parents’ house, which is more likely), and welcome to the East Side Guide! Each year, the UWM Post publishes an issue that focuses on the places and faces that make up the thriving East Side community of Milwaukee. With this year’s issue, our goal was to dig a little bit beneath the surface and interview the people who make the neighborhood great. Please enjoy.

For the second half of the paper, in the spirit of April Fool’s day, the Post presents a satirical East Side News section, complete with sex advice from our cartoonist, celebrity gossip, and a general collection of lies and misdirection. We only get to act like the mainstream media once a year, so we might as well do it right.

Enjoy the issue, and good luck with the rest of the semester. May it be a warm and pleasant one.

– Kurt Raether Editor in Chief

inside inside fringe | page 2-8 East Side pizza guide Jon Tingley returns to the Post with a profile of the Tool Shed Interview with Daniel Goldin of Boswell Book Company

Satirical News | page 9-16 UWM introduces solarpowered meth lab The Post: Now printed on two-ply!

Andrew Megow (Primal Urges creator) talks sex

Editor in Chief Kurt Raether

Editorial Editor Jackie Dreyer

Business Manager Simon Bouwman

Managing Editor Lindsey Millard

Production Editor Josh Evert

Advertising Manager Stephanie Fisher

News Editors Mike La Count

Multimedia Editor Sierra Riesberg

Advertising Designer Josh Evert

Zach Erdmann

Puzzle Editor Jonas Wittke

Distribution Patrick Quast

Copy Editors Sarah Hanneken

Alek Shumaker

Special Projects Editor Jonathan Anderson Fringe Editor Dustin Zarnikow Asst. Fringe Editors Steven Franz Patrice Vnük

Caitlin PenzeyMoog

Board of Directors Kurt Raether

Derek De Vinney

Simon Bouwman

Web Editor Kody Schafer

Zach Erdmann Dustin Zarnikow

Sports Editor Jeremy Lubus

Phone: (414) 229-4578 Fax: (414) 229-4579 post@uwmpost.com www.uwmpost.com

Josh Evert

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The UWM Post is written and edited by students of the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee and they are solely responsible for its editorial policy and content. The University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee is not liable for debts incurred by the publisher. The UWM Post is not an official publication of UWM. The UWM Post is a student organization at UWM.

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The UWM Post is a member of: Post photos by Sierra Riesberg

East Side Guide | fringe

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The Jazz Estate: The diamond in the rough

March 28, 2011 3

The man that feeds you An interview with East Side business mogul Scott Johnson

Brian Sanders manning a busy bar on a Chicken-Tuesday, which has become an East Side standard. Post Photo by Dustin Zarnikow

An interview with Brian Sanders

By Dustin Zarnikow fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

A cozy little Murray Avenue jazz club has had its doors open for nearly 35 years through thick and thin, and seen a small handful of different owners through its humble yet proud existence.

Pennsylvania native Brian Sanders has been the owner of the Jazz Estate for 11 years of its existence. A self proclaimed “music junkie,” Sanders gives off a vibe that is both affable and sincere, with a hint of a gruff exterior commonly found on his type of hard-working gentry – exactly kind of guy you can trust to man the helm of a dyingbreed jazz club. It could sink at any moment, but he’d probably go down with the ship if he had to.

Over the years, The Jazz Estate has seen the likes of many big names walk through its little door: names like Louis Hayes and Clyde Stubblefield, among many others who have sat down to play the joint.

Fridays and Saturdays are jazz only, and one can expect more modern sets from mu-

sicians like The Steve Peptin Quintet to older guys like Thomas Crosby and Manty Ellis, still doing the old school thing.

Aside from their jazz focus, The Jazz Estate’s biggest asset could arguably be the infamous Tuesday night performances by The Erotic Adventures of the Static Chicken.

Housing live music six days a week, Sanders stays busy, but took out a bit of time to talk to The Post about great jazz musicians, some Jazz Estate history, and chickens.

The Post: When you bought the place, was your original intention to keep the jazz theme going?

Brian Sanders: Yeah. That was the plan – because it already had the reputation. There were some big names that played in here before I had it even. But it did need some love, and needed some new ownership. It was kind of nasty in here [for a while] and it kind of had a bad vibe as far as...

Post: Clientele?

See JAZZ ESTATE page 8

Partnered with Leslie Montemurro and Kristyn St. Denis, the Latin American-surf-culture themed Bel Air Cantina is the latest of Scott Johnson’s restaurant creations. Post Photo by Sierra Riesberg

By Steven Franz Asst. fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

Scott Johnson is a man about town. After founding his first business in 1993, the ever-popular Riverwest hangout Fuel Café, Johnson went on to have a hand in the creation and continuing success of a variety of restaurants and coffeehouses.

Many, like Comet Café (recently featured on the Food Network’s “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”), are now East Side cultural institutions. Johnson recently took time out of his busy, down-and-dirty managerial schedule to have a chat with the UWM Post about the direction of the East Side and just what it’s like to have a direct hand in so much of it.

The UWM Post: To start off with, give us some background information. What are the businesses that you own?

Scott Johnson: My partner

Leslie and I are together in everything, but the ones that we’re partners in are Fuel Café, Comet Café, Hi-Hat Lounge, Hi-Hat Garage, Balzac, Bel-Air Cantina, Palomino, and Honeypie Café.

Post: Are you founders of those places or did you acquire them somehow?

Johnson: We founded all of them.

Post: And what’s the oldest of those places?

Johnson: Fuel started in 1993.

Post: What is it like to own so many important businesses?

Johnson: [Laughs] It’s pretty great, it’s a pretty great job. We work with really great people and every day is different. I, myself, handle everything from maintenance and building and design to many developments in marketing, fixing toilets, plumbing and grease traps. So you get to do a little bit of everything.

Post: How long have you had a foothold on the East Side?

Johnson: Comet was the first one; that was in 1995.

Post: What’s the difference between running a business in Riverwest, like Fuel, as opposed to running one on the East Side?

Johnson: Riverwest is its own thing. I don’t know if you’ve been over there, it’s kind of a different burgh. It’s way more bohemian, more mixed ethnicities, a lot of students, a lot of families. They’ve got a pretty tight community over there.

The East Side does too, but it’s a bigger thing; Riverwest is kind of its own enclave. It’s kind of small, whereas the East Side encompasses a lot of overlapping neighborhoods.

Post: Is there a difference between running a business between the two neighborhoods?

See JOHNSON page 8

East Side Guide | fringe

4 March 28, 2011

The UWM Post

Anatomy of a bookstore Downer Ave.’s Boswell Book Company

Daniel Goldin and his staff have maintained, if not improved, the pleasant bookstore atmosphere that Schwartz bookstore offered the East Side for years. Post Photo by Sierra Riesberg

By Timothy Sienko Staff Writer fringe@uwmpost.com

D U B A I Y E A

L E L E A L O L MB C L P OC K WR I N E AN Y A A S C R C H N T D O S OB E R R E L I L S T O I K E A L M I T E E T S S

E V I T A G O O S E

S E O U L E N T E R

S N I T R E S T S

A V E D E N OGS

align gain gnaw hail hang hawing

lain lawn nail nigh wail wing

This week’s Goduku solution

H E L E N

This week’s In-Word solution

This week’s crossword solution OH MS K WA I T D L I K E A L S T E L L A I S L A N A R G C H A R M R A G M I C ON A B E N I GN S K Y H I G N O S T U N G P U R E E A B L E R

Puzzle solutions

Try your hand at this week’s puzzles, turn to page 19

This week’s Sudoku solution

Boswell Book Company on Downer Avenue near Webster Place – with its full but uncluttered shelves and big windows and broken in sofas – is a good bookstore.

The staff is friendly and knowledgeable, ready to talk about their favorite books and authors and to help customers find that first edition book without which his or her shelf is just incomplete.

Unlike those suburban Frankenstein stores in every Mayfair or Brookfield Square across the country that are as much like a bookshop as Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant, Boswell reflects the diversity and vibe of its neighborhood and community.

The store also holds some marquee fiction readings; T.C. Boyle and Christopher Moore have read at Boswell, as have Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award winners.

“A general bookstore is a collection of niches,” said owner Daniel Goldin. And Boswell is just that. General fiction, as in most bookstores, takes up the largest portion of the floor but it is the strength and diversity of the special interest sections that help set this local retailer apart.

Non-fiction is divided into well-curated sections on cooking, music and history, among others. Science-fiction is among the strongest sections in the store, encompassing such sub-

genres as Sci-punk and Urban Fantasy.

But, none of this was a conscious or contrived choice for Goldin. “There is a community of people that drives each section,” he said.

By playing to an array of smart, specialized customers, the store has both major titles that one would expect, and a whole world of good reading that hasn’t found its way to the best-seller lists.

“Some customers judge the quality of a store based on whether or not we have one or two books,” Goldin said.

And if those books are missing from his shelves? “We can know a customer well enough to argue it out,” he said, referencing the advantages of being a small, single store business.

But, Boswell is as much a community center as it is a business, hosting literary events as diverse as its inventory. Including chefs and fans of ballet, the readings target specific audiences to attract and keep those communities of specialists.

The store also holds some marquee fiction readings; T.C. Boyle and Christopher Moore have read at Boswell, as have Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award winners. Goldin adds that, though the readings are intended to sell books, there is a great value to offering these occasions for free.

Some of the most well attended events occur two or three times a semester. Boswell frequently features readings by faculty and staff of Milwaukee’s universities, including the UWMilwaukee creative writing department’s Liam Callanan.

While these shows do little for profitability of a business in a struggling industry, they represent the heart of what makes a bookstore good and Boswell Book Company unique in the neighborhood: community.

East Side Guide | fringe

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March 28, 2011 5

Bikes here! Get your bikes!

Bike shops on the East Side By: Dustin Zarnikow fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.edu

Milwaukee’s got bike culture. It breaths it, it lives it, it bleeds it. One almost has to pose the question, “does the culture influence the bike, or does the bike influence the culture?”

It seems that bikes have become so infused in our city life that nearly every clique has a type of bike that is just for them. Maybe it’s the junker Huff y road bike that looks like it’s been anchored to the parking meter for 15 months, or one of the single-speed fi xed-gear bikes ridden by the hoards of bike addicts that made them the famous pop-culture icon they’ve become.

Whatever the type of person or reason to ride, they can and will ride, and while the spring air seems to breathe new life into any old bike laying around, it also tends to whisper “NEW BIKE” into unsuspecting ears all through the season. Well, lucky for you, where there’s a will, there’s a way, and there’s a bike outlet for every type of will here on Milwaukee’s East Side.

Cory the Bike Fixer Cory’s shop is located on Murray Avenue and just celebrated their 15-year anniversary. The shop is small, but don’t let size fool you – whatever you’re looking for, there’s a good chance they’ll have it.

They’ve got a well-stocked showroom full of low to midrange mountain bikes, 29ers, dirt jump bikes, road bikes, cyclecross bikes, touring bikes – you name it. Oh, and they’ve got a few fi xed-gear bikes too.

The shop has a few closeouts, and a hefty stock of used bikes, but it won’t for long – they’ll be selling like hot cakes through April. Needless to say, you can pick up a used bike starting from the $150-200 range, and new bikes from $400-500, depending on the make.

Cory’s is an excellent stop for entry-level riders but the true essence of the shop is geared towards enthusiast or adventure oriented riders.

Expect to see a lot of Kona and Jamis bicycles, as well as their newest stock of Surly’s, and Minnesota-based Salsa cycles.

You can also expect a warm,

intelligible staff that will likely be able give direction to the most confused of shoppers.

Ian Schmitt of Cory the Bike Fixer said, “That’s something that we really focus on too: the idea that the bicycle isn’t just a means of transit from A to B. You know, it’s a way to be free, if you will. You can actually get out on your bike, on the open road, or the trail, or the gravel, and disconnect from everything else for an hour, for hours, six days, months, years, it doesn’t really matter – just getting out there and doing something, doing something for yourself, that’s good for you and that’s also really rewarding when it’s all said and done.”

Cory the Bike Fixer is located at 2410 N. Murray Avenue just across from the Jazz Estate.

The Bikesmiths In business since 1981, The Bikesmiths are no strangers to the cycle industry. The shop is a bit small, but doesn’t let that hold them back. The store stocks a lineup of mainly GT, Cannondale and Schwinn bicycles, and it has a healthy selection: from road bikes, to hybrid bikes, to mountain bikes, to fi xed-gear bikes. Speaking of fi xed-gear bikes, if that’s your bag, this is probably your East Side joint. The store specializes in custom paint-jobs and custom fi xed-gear assembly, catering to the creative rider who’s looking to build from scratch (or scratched old frames).

You can swing into The Bikesmiths and pick up a hybrid/comfort bike starting around $250, or work your way up into the $400-600 range for starter road and mountain bikes. The store has a knowledgeable service desk and has years of experience behind their workbench.

The Bikesmiths are located at 2865 N. Murray Avenue, on the corner of Murray and Locust Street.

Crank Daddys Crank Daddy’s is the big fish in the small pond. They have a lot of experience with bikes in the Milwaukee area and have a lot to show for it. The large store has an impressive selection of mostly Specialized cycles, which range from reasonably priced beginner bikes to top-end racing and mountain

bikes that will surely drain your wallet. Crank Daddy’s also carries a few other makes including Wisconsin-made Waterford and Gunnar and Colorado-based Moots.

Sales floor associate Steve Moses said, “We’re in the process of bringing in another company, I don’t know necessarily who it’s going to be, but just to fill in some gaps so it’s not [mostly] Specialized.”

If you’re a technical cycle guru looking to drop some dime on the hottest carbon fiber frame around, you might find it here.

What you will also find is a technologically advanced sales floor wired with a computer-assisted cycle-trainer where members can pay to drop in and spend some time burning a few calories, as well as a three-point digital fitting system to make sure you’re getting the most in-depth cycle fitting you can possibly ask for. The system profiles you on a specialized computer program which allows the user to manipulate the rider profile as they peddle to get build a perfect fit. Bored with that? Go hang in their couchlounge and play their original Nintendo for a while.

Crank Daddy’s is located at 2108 N. Farwell Avenue, but as of April 16 will be on Prospect Avenue just across from American Apparel.

U-Bike If you’re not a big fan of dropping a couple hundred bucks on a bike and still want to contribute to the clean-air movement, here’s tidbit of info for those of you who aren’t already cued in.

UW-Milwaukee has a nonprofit bicycle organization that is run through the UWM Adventure Center in the UWM Union. Here you can pick up a bike for a modest fee, and off you go. If that isn’t good enough, they’ve got a large stock of 75 bikes, helmets, and lock setups that students can borrow out for the entire semester ... for free. But check those release dates and get there quick, because just as Cory’s used bikes do, these puppies go like HOT CAKES! The Adventure Center’s UBike also does small repairs, as long as they have the resources. The shop doesn’t supply or sell parts, so service is limited, but still free.

Check out U-Bike in the basement of the UWM Union at the Adventure Center.

Post photos by Sierra Riesberg

East Side Guide | fringe

6 March 28, 2011

Sex in a box The Tool Shed sex shop on the East Side

By Jon Tingley Staff Writer fringe@uwmpost.com

If you haven’t already had the opportunity to check out the East Side’s premier erotica destination, the Tool Shed, now is the time to do it.

The Tool Shed is owned and operated by Milwaukeean Laura Stuart, a sexuality educator with a Master’s Degree in Public Health. She is a columnist for the Shepherd Express’ SexPress and co-author of Our Whole Lives, a sexuality-education curriculum for young adults.

Stuart is also the Coordinator of the Sexual Health Education and Violence Prevention program at Northwestern University and leads workshops on several college campuses each year – she even contributed to this author’s Feelin’ Tingley fringe sex column events last spring.

The Tool Shed is not just a sex store where you go in to buy toys; it’s a sex-positive, genderpositive and open-minded store where you can expect to find an educated staff to help you find the right resources for your situation.

This erotic boutique prides itself on being a comfortable and safe space for people to explore their sexuality and get answers to their questions. If you need guidance on choosing the right product for you, the staff at the Tool Shed will undoubtedly be able to assist you in finding a product that meets your needs.

The boutique sells a wide range of products for all genders, including vibrators, games, books, safe-sex products and items to assist with gender expression.

Workshops are also an important part of the work that Stuart and her team do at the Shed. Workshops at the store

cover subjects such as sexuality, safer sex, relationships and safety/violence. Workshops can range from informational sessions such as “The Physiology of Orgasm & Sexual Response” or “A Guide to Having Healthy Relationships at College” to more lighthearted events like the “Rubberware Party” and “Sex Trivia.”

One of the more amazing things that Stuart offers at her store are after-hours parties for birthdays, boys or girls nights out, or any other special occasion. Stuart will help tailor parties to the needs of your guests and can combine toys, education and fun. Parties can be hosted at either your home or at the Tool Shed, with a variety of options available for each setting. The parties are free and just require a $25 deposit to reserve a staff member’s time. The best part about these parties is that Stuart often hosts the parties herself.

Other great things about this store are the opportunities it creates for local college students to explore their sexuality in a safe, affirming and comfortable setting. Stuart is committed to helping people have positive sexual experiences by providing them with information they need to make informed decisions.

When looking for advice about something as intimate as your sexuality and sex life, it is important to seek out sources that are educated and can refer you to resources that will help you have positive sexual experiences. Stuart and her staff at the Tool Shed should be on your list of places to visit on the East Side.

The Tool Shed is conveniently located at 2427 N. Murray Ave. close to the Murray Pantry and several North Avenue establishments.

The UWM Post

Building character at open mic night Milwaukee’s Miramar Theatre

Post Photo by Sierra Riesberg

By Timothy Sienko Staff Writer fringe@uwmpost.com

Though the temperature was dropping and the rain was heavy on a recent Tuesday night, a crowd of more than 20 gathered at the Miramar Theatre on Oakland Avenue, most sardined into the entry between the sets of glass doors, but a few stood beneath the awning, smoking.

The theater, when the doors opened at 7:30 p.m., offered little heat but kept the patrons dry. The line moved slowly as each person paid the cover and the performers signed their first names to the roster for the open mic.

A college guy with a guitar shifted from foot to foot and pointed at the blue poster advertising the event as featuring acoustic music, poetry, and comedy.

“Dude, there are comedians here?” he asked another guy of the same age, also carrying a guitar. Further ahead in the line a tall, broad-shouldered man

raised his hand. “He’s wearing a fedora, of course he’s a comedian,” replied the friend.

The lineup was full well before the show started at 8 p.m.

But those who showed up late joined a reserve list in case there was still time after the first 15 performers each played her/his two songs or spoke for 10 minutes.

The boys tuned their guitars and a duet rehearsed “Simple Gifts,” while a young woman played her cello, warming it against the cold of the night.

Small talk joined the quiet din, filling the wide dance floor of the theater.

“I wasn’t expecting such a big turnout tonight with the rain,” Sandy Weisto said at a minute after 8 p.m. And then she started the show as she has nearly every Tuesday night since December 2003.

In years past, open mic was cancelled when a concert was booked on a Tuesday at the Miramar. Now, the event is held in the small bar next door, formerly Lemon Lounge. That

space, though more intimate, cannot accommodate the larger crowds, which some weeks exceed 50.

The open mic night was introduced to generate revenue for the theater on a typically empty night. And, soon after its inauguration, the event expanded its draw with live recordings that each performer is presented with at the end of the night. This perk was intended to give musicians who may be interested in renting studio time a sample of the sound in the room. While some artists from the Tuesday open mic have recorded at the Miramar, the weekly show has gained a life of its own.

“Welcome to the best $2 entertainment in town,” said Weisto, welcoming the shivering crowd of performers and spectators. Like any good open mic, the Miramar has a comfortable atmosphere, where the emphasis is on process.

The comedians tried and honed new jokes, one spent the better part of his set behind a curtain, and another killed with an improvised monologue about not being able to fill 10minutes with his planned material. Musicians formed ad-hoc pairings: new harmonies were added to old songs, a cello was auditioned. Poets recited favorite poems from other writers, and pieces were abandoned in the middle when the final page could not be found.

And like any good open mic, Miramar’s makes up for a lack of polish with personality.

One young man’s performance of Bob Dylan’s “Visions of Johanna” was so charismatic that no one cared that he missed a verse somewhere in the middle. A woman visiting from Greece recited poems of longing for the land she loved.

A guitar student from Italy added a nice counterpoint to the American songwriting that was heavily showcased. And though the crowd normally thins out by 10 p.m., the entertainment was enough to keep everyone in their seats well past 11 p.m.

East Side Guide | fringe

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March 28, 2011 7

Hotel Foster a refreshing East Side addition Post Photo by Sierra Riesberg

A slice of the East Side A brief guide to pizza joints on Milwaukee’s East Side

By Steven Franz Asst. fringe Editor fringe@uwmpost.com

Pizza has always been a favorite food of the college student. For your consideration, here are five of the best destinations in the UW-Milwaukee area for your pizza pleasure.

Pizza Shuttle 1827 N Farwell Ave. The duke of all East Side pizza places. Pizza Shuttle has been around seemingly forever, from its days as a delightfully sketchy late-night punk-rock hangout, to its new vibrant personality with flat-screen televisions and a cleaned-up image.

The menu is more expansive than one might expect, with selections that range from subs to wings to soup, and, of course, pizza. Their new $.99-per-slice deal is one of the best offers in the universe and runs from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Mondays and Tuesdays.

Toppers Pizza 1903 E Kenilworth Pl. Located in the same building as the Kenilworth Square Apartments and just a few feet away from the vibrant North Avenue bar scene, Toppers is one of the more convenient pizza places in the UWM area.

While not particularly renowned for their pizza, they do offer the generally popular Topperstix, grinders, buffalo wings, and very cheap prices.

Call it Domino’s for the cool crowd.

Ian’s Pizza 2035 E North Ave. Speaking of the North Avenue bars, perhaps no pizza place gets busier as the night goes on than the Madison and Wrigleyville favorite, Ian’s.

Located on the corner of North and Farwell Avenues, it’s just steps away from everything: Hooligan’s, BBC, Replay, the Oriental Theatre and Landmark Lanes. The menu is huge yet simple, and the deli counter is like Sbarro on steroids. The

salads are also quite good, but very little can beat the massive $2.50 slices. Also, be sure to try the buffalo chicken pizza.

Lisa’s Pizzeria 2961 N Oakland Ave. Lisa’s may suffer for its size – it’s located in a small room on the second floor of an Oakland Avenue duplex with very little in the way of a bar and almost no elbow room in the dining room – but not for its pizza.

The now 41-year-old pizzeria is an under-the-radar East Side staple, last year named Best of Milwaukee by local alternative newspaper The Shepherd Express. But if you can’t squeeze into the tight fit (or find it to begin with) there’s always takeout, which ensures that you don’t have to go without just because there’s no room.

SoLo Pizza 2856 N Oakland Ave. What was once Oakland Trattoria is now something better. A recent redesign of the restaurant’s image and facilities just south of Locust Street has resulted in one of the best modernized, casual dining spaces on the East Side. The food hasn’t suffered either: an eightslice “Solo” wood-fired pizza is just $5, and the build-it-yourself pizzas feature as many as six types of cheese, nine different meats, and 12 vegetable toppings. There are also 26 wines to choose from, and the earliest vintage is from 2002. SoLo is also adjacent to the popular Black Rose, the menu for which is available upon seating.

New retro-themed lounge fills the space left by Live on North

By Heather Markovich Special to the Post fringe@uwmpost.com

The East Side’s stretch of bars will be welcoming a new 1920s-era hotel-lobby-themed bar to its family with the Hotel Foster.

The owners hope the new bar will become a hub for local art and fashion.

When Hotel Foster owners Mike “Little Bear” Kempka, John Revord and Doug Williams got together to dream up an ideal atmosphere for their new bar, they decided to combine their tastes.

“One of [our] major emphases is going to be supporting the local art and fashion scene.”

– co-owner John Revord

“All of us have collectively been in this industry for 20 years,” said Revord. “We decided to build a bar we would want to go to.”

Building upon one owner’s experience in Brooklyn bars, the three decided to go for a Victorian hotel-lobby theme. “[That] aesthetic is very popular on the East coast,” said

Revord. “We’re bringing that feel to the Midwest.”

Hotel Foster will feature an olde-Americana vibe with traditional Victorian color schemes, stencil work and chandeliers. The owners spent nearly 50 hours driving around all of Wisconsin, Minnesota and Illinois to gather the Victorian furniture and oriental rugs that will adorn the interior of the bar.

The bar will focus on small craft and micro beers, along with European imports, with special attention given to local distilleries and breweries. But dispensing drinks will work to serve only one of the location’s many purposes.

“One of [our] major emphases is going to be supporting the local art and fashion scene,” said Revord. This would include gallery nights for local students and plans for live music with both local and national bands once a month.

The owners hope to open Hotel Foster during the second week of April. “We’re in the final phases,” said Revord.

“Seeing as we basically built the bar from ground up, it’s exciting seeing something newly done every day. It’s an adventure.”

Foster will be taking its place at 2028 E. North Ave., the previous location of Live, which closed on Jan. 31 of this year.

East Side Guide | fringe

8 March 28, 2011

JAZZ ESTATE Continued from page 3 Sanders: Yeah, it was seedy man. There was a lot of cocaine flowing around here back in the ’80s and ’90s man [laughs].

Post: This place has had some recognizable names in the past; how do they come about?

Sanders: Luckily there’s a bunch of guys that are actually from Milwaukee that live in New York City now and have become quite successful. One of them is this trumpet player named Brian Lynch. Actually three or four years ago he won a Grammy for best Latin Jazz Album. So, he comes back once or twice a year and sometimes he plays here.

Sometimes he brings a band from New York, and sometimes he uses local guys. He’s awesome man. Really, really good.

There’s also this kid Dan Nimmer. He’s a piano player.

Actually, he was 16 when I first bought the place. I didn’t know who he was, and he played in here a bunch and I got to know him, and he’s now the piano player for Wynton Marsalis.

Yeah, he moved to New York City and in six months he got the gig.

Post: And he still comes back around?

Sanders: He still comes back and plays once in a while – not as often [lately] because he’s

pretty busy with the Wynton thing; man, they travel worldwide. So, sometimes when he’s home he does play or other times he just pops in and sits in, or something like that.

So yeah, there’s people like Rick Germanson, who’s another guy who comes back and plays here – another famous piano player – same with this guy David Hazeltine... There’s a bunch of other people too man.

The last two years I’ve had this really famous organ player, his name is Dr. Lonnie Smith.

He’s awesome. He’s been around since the ’60s, so he’s like one of the few remaining guys that’s real old-school that’s still playing small places like this.

Post: Anything in specific that stands out as more memorable shows that you’ve had here?

Sanders: I’d say my two favorites were the first time The Dr. played here. And then years ago I had this band in here, they were called The Latin Side of Miles [Davis]. Brian Lynch was in the band – him and a bunch of other pretty well known guys from New York.

And they took all these Miles Davis tunes and they did them Latin Style. Dude, they blew the roof off the place. It was amazing. It was like a 7-piece you know, with full-on percussion and trombone and saxophone, trumpet, piano, blah blah blah...

They killed it man. They had a blast, the crowd was lovin’ it.

Man, people were leaving and saying “this is the best concert I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Post: So, it seems strange to me that – with the surrounding neighborhood bars and clientele, and with the music scene the way it is – that there’s this niche jazz club here that is as popular as it is. Why do you think that is? There’s not much jazz competition is there?

Sanders: No, not really.

There’s one other place called Caroline’s on 2nd and Florida [Streets], and they’re actually in kind of the same vein that I am, sort of bread ‘n’ butter, but we do other stuff too, obviously. You know, I try to make it appealing to as many different people as possible. And the jazz part helps because, you know, you get anybody in here from a 25-year-old white college kid to a 65-year-old African-American woman. You know? They could be performing, or in here checking stuff out. And the location helps too, a lot of people can just walk over here.

Post: And what do you think about the Jazz scene in Milwaukee?

Sanders: There ain’t much. It is pretty small. But, it is strong.

It’s a committed community as far as the musicians and the people that are into it. It’s always going to exist for the most part. There’s more younger guys that are doing stuff to make it better. Like ah, there’s this guy Jamie Breiwick, and him and two other guys started this website [MilwaukeeJazzVision. org], and they actually just put on a concert type-thing [Eastside Jazzfest] where they had a bunch different bands, you know, local bands, some Chicago bands, a guy came in from New York and played. So they’re trying to bring the community in a bit more.

JOHNSON Continued from page 3

Johnson: Not really, you’re just dealing with different kinds of people. All in all, it’s the same: I’m just trying to serve good products and make people happy.

Post: Lately some East Side businesses you own like Comet and Hi-Hat have been significantly modernized while Fuel has stayed the same pretty much from the time it was founded.

Johnson: Fuel did get a little bit of an upgrade like four years ago, but basically it’s been the same.

But that seems like what people want. Since it was the first one, we’re kind of attached to it the way it is. But that’s not to say it won’t change, there are actually some bigger changes we’ve been talking about for next year.

Post: What was the impetus for upgrading Comet and Hi-Hat? Johnson: You’ve got to stay up with it; we can kind of tell when people’s interest starts dropping off, and our interest too. We want to keep it fun to do ourselves.

It’s a business but it’s also an art project. We like to keep recreating and upgrading. So far it’s worked out.

Post: How much of an influence would you say local arts and cul-

The UWM Post

Post: So, you’ve got The Erotic Adventures of the Static Chicken, and Evan Christian that are here regularly. They’re kind of like a staple of the bar – almost like a house band; they’re always here. Tell me about these guys. How did this come to formation?

Sanders: The Chicken has been playing here for about 10 years, you know, every Tuesday. And Evan has been playing on-andoff here for ... shoot. Five years?

Six years? I mean, he’s been to Spain twice, so he’ll leave for like six months to a year, and then he’ll come back and I’ll be like, “Do you want to do Wednesdays again?” And he’ll be like “Hell yeah!”

You know, both those bands – well Evan’s just one guy – but their vibe just fits our vibe. And it just works. I mean, when I first opened I was trying to strictly only do jazz music. And during the week it was not working man.

Nobody was showing up, and I was losing a lot of money...

And the original guitar player who’s not in the band anymore … He used to come in here and hang out. Then we became friends and they were playing at Linneman’s at the time and he asked me about tryin’ it here for one Tuesday. And I was like [psshh]. You know, Tuesdays back then I only had like eight people showing up, you know?

And so I was like “Sure!” And as it turns out it was like the best night of the week for me. [...]

Mondays we have a weekly band in here too. They’ve been playing here for like a year-anda-half to two years. It’s just like these three dudes and they’re more like this Americana/Folk/ Bluesy kind of stuff. They’re cool. One guy plays mandolin, one guy plays guitar, and the other guy plays either the piano or keyboards, and they all

ture have had on your businesses as they’ve grown?

Johnson: Pretty huge. We’ve always been into the local art, music, and film scene. Over at Fuel they have Riverwest Film & Video next door. There’s a recording studio in the basement, and we have art studios. We do small installations with UWM architecture students, and we’re doing another project with the next generation of UWM architecture students at Balzac. We like to stay involved.

Post: How have you seen the Brady Street area in particular change over the years?

Johnson: It seemed like it was really taking off and then it plateaued for a while, and in the last year or so it seems like there are some good changes afoot.

Mike down at the Nomad [World Pub] is always doing big events, like last year’s event on the street for the World Cup. Brady Street Festival is getting bigger and bigger every year. It’s just a good group or merchants over there, just a good neighborhood and community. Just in the last year there’s a new vibe and some new energy over there, and I really think it’s going to be a good couple of years. We’ve got a new thing we’re doing there next to the [HiHat] Garage in the parking lot: a beer garden that we’re going to be building. That’s going to be a big thing for us and a pretty cool thing for the community, too.

sing so they take turns. They’ve got some originals, they’ve got some covers... they’re fun.

Post: Do you think The Chicken will be here for years to come?

Sanders: I don’t know man, I’m actually surprised they’re still here [laughs]. You know? I don’t see an ending any time soon ...

They’re just one of those entities that, for whatever reason man... they’re just, they’re doing something right.

You know, it’s kind of one of those things like, “the whole is bigger than the sum of its parts” kind of deal. And it’s bizarre because the crowd always seems to be the same age, it keeps turning over. A lot of the people I’ve seen in here six years ago, I don’t see in here on Tuesdays anymore. If anything they’re coming in on like Friday night, you know?

I hope it doesn’t end anytime soon, I don’t know what I’ll do on Tuesday nights then [laughing]. We joke about it though, we’re like “I can’t believe we’re still fuckin’ doin’ this shit!” We always wondered what’s going to happen first: Are they going to stop playing here, or am I going to sell the place? You know?

Post: Or will the people finally give up?

Sanders: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen! You know? They’ve hit a few lulls here and there, which is to be expected, where it’s kind of slow for a month or something, and we’re like “oh shit, maybe it’s over.” And then the next week it’s like BOOM, frickin’ wall-to-wall people.

And it’s hard to keep a weekly gig. You know, to keep it fresh and keep ‘em coming back. And they’re pretty much the only ones who can do it. Well, Evan can do it as well.

Post: How much of a hit did you see the recession take on any of your businesses?

Johnson: It was pretty huge in the beginning, and it feels like it’s starting to bounce back a little bit, but it was pretty significant and I feel like everybody felt it in a huge way. At the same time, I feel like, before the crash hit, banks were sort of giving away money to anyone who wanted it, so it seemed like there were a lot of businesses going up that weren’t all that well thought-out. It was good to see people getting into business, but I feel like, at a certain point, it just reached saturation.

Post: How long do you think the recession will continue to be an influence?

Johnson: As long as the construction industry, which seems to be pretty big in Southeast Wisconsin, is depressed, I think that’s going to be the biggest thing. As long as housing doesn’t bounce back, it’s going to continue to be an issue for pretty much everyone. I think it’s definitely coming around, though. People are finding new things to do and everyone’s getting pretty creative starting their own businesses, which is good. It’s definitely coming around, but it’ll continue to be an issue for a little while.

March 28, 2011 9

uwmpost.com

The editorial content in this section is satirical and should not be taken seriously. It is merely printed in jest in celebration of April Fool’s Day.

Post cleans up UWM gets an ecoafter readers friendly shot in the arm New meth lab helps combat student fatigue

UWM’s very own little solar-powered meth lab! southeast of Sandburg Halls.

Students and staff of the School of Architecture and Urban Planning designed the building and entered their work in the Solar Decathlon Competition in Washington, D.C. The competition is sim-

ple: Design a better solarpowered building than your competitors.

But UWM’s team had other goals in mind.

“We’re making meth,” said the design team in a statement

The Helipad

Colombia St. Mary’s Hospital complex for $20.2 million dollars.

Then-chancellor Carlos Santiago had hoped the seven buildings, which rest on an 828,000-squarefoot site, could be used for student housing, classrooms or green space.

Now, Peak is taking the idea of housing in an innovative direction.

Peak explains the need for the dorm and maintains that the plans are necessary, regardless of what students may think. Parents agree that the addition of the dorm is a positive step for UWM and believe their children will appreciate the decision once they have their parents nearby to help.

The new parent dorm will have the same amenities as student housing, and parents living in the dorm will be provided with an identification card indicating their name and their child’s name, linking them to their child’s meal plan and ePanther ID, allowing them full access to the his or her PAWS, D2L and PantherMail accounts.

In addition, the university will be rolling out its new U-Track service, which gives parents the location of their child 24/7 via a microchip planted in their wrists at freshman orientation.

Various sensors also send

By Kevin “That’s my actual e-mail address” Kaber Staff Writer kjkaber@uwm.edu

Newspaper to begin printing on two-ply sheets

By Steven (Gary’s son) Staff Writer idontwanttohearit@uwmpost.com

The UWM Post announced Monday that beginning in April it will be partnering with Proctor & Gamble Co. to release a new line of “Ultra-soft” newspapers, designed to provide “a comfortable clean to help pamper skin,” according to UWMPost.com.

The decision to move away from single-ply newsprint to a more comfortable two-ply tissue has been celebrated by staff and students alike as a much needed improvement for the Post, which has seen readership drop sharply in recent years, particularly among readers in key demographics, including homeless men age 18 to 24.

“We realize that we can’t expect busy students in today’s market to take the time to read these things without an incentive,” said the Post’s editor-inchief, Kurt Raether. “I mean, granted, the newspaper is already a free, conveniently located source of campus news and information, carefully organized and published week after week by a dedicated staff, But – I’m sorry, what was I saying?”

The UWM Post has been providing non-quilted news and coarse editorials to the UWMilwaukee community since 1956.

The publication has increased efforts in recent years to connect with its readership, including offering its content online at UWMPost.com and

skywriting its headlines above campus while shouting key phrases from articles at students as they enter the Union.

“Some members of the staff might see this as the final straw, but for me, it feels like the first step,” Zach Erdmann, News Editor, said. “When people think of the UWM Post, I want the first words that come to mind to be ‘Downy soft.’”

Students have responded enthusiastically to the proposed change.

Senior Jeff Carlin says softer newspapers will save him and his fraternity several trips to the grocery store and at least $15 a week.

“It is about time that the UWM Post got serious about helping out in the community,” Carlin said. “Now if they could just get an envelope where it’s supposed to go in less than a week, maybe I wouldn’t mind them wasting my student fees.”

Raether says he hopes that the proposed changes lead to greater readership.

“People know we have a website, right? UWMPost.com?

Actually, you know what? Fuck it, they are still going to wipe their asses with our hard work,” Raether said.

Anthropology lecturer Randall Jameson said he is dismayed that the newspaper did not go further with its changes.

“The proposal sounds great, but when are they going to start streaming porn on their website?”

This semester, UWMilwaukee has added a brand new, multi-purpose building on campus located just

New dorm offers housing solution for helicopter parents

98% of UWM students reported having been treated like this by their parents at one time or another. Post illustration by Andrew Megow

By Chris Flood Specialty of the Post sinkhole@uwmpost.com

UW-Milwaukee University Housing Director Scott Peak revealed plans Tuesday to

convert the recently acquired Colombia St. Mary’s Hospital into a dorm for parents of newly enrolled freshmen at UW-Milwaukee.

Last summer, UWM began negotiations to purchase the

See METH page 12

See HELIPAD page 15

10 March 28, 2011

East Side Guide | news

The UWM Post

Oblivious student ready to begin career Collective Bargaining major excited to see what’s out there

By Zach “the other Zach” Brooke Staff Writer erdmannz@uwmpost.com

To UW-Milwaukee seniors, the end of spring break marks the home stretch in their mad-dash to graduation. For Collective Bargaining Studies Major Ben Snyder, commencement can’t come fast enough.

“I’ve had a lot of fun studying labor relations, and I’ve learned some mind-blowing things, but at this point I’m ready to enter the real world where changes to the profession outpace what’s written in textbooks,” he said.

Snyder isn’t quite ready to get nostalgic about college yet, however. While eager to embark on a lucrative career as a highly sought-after arbitrator between union and employees, he must first finish a daunting amount of coursework, the demands of which keep him locked in the library and cut off from current events.

“When I do get away, I tell people not to bring up anything that would cause me to lose my focus. In the unlikely event that something big happens involving collective bargaining, I’ll catch up during my job search,” he said.

Snyder said he’s long been drawn to collective bargaining, and that among his earliest memories are news reports from the 1994 baseball strike, which he calls “better than the World Series.” But it was the prospect of lasting job security that convinced him to pursue his passion as a major.

While open to any line of work in the field, Snyder’s specializes in negotiations between lawmakers and government workers.

Synder feels good about his chances of finding a job in a field he has spent six and a half years in college preparing for.

“Unlike many jobs that have been affected by the bad econ-

omy, my industry is protected by state law,” said Synder.

Though anxious to finish school, Snyder has been grateful for the opportunity to study collective bargaining at UWM, particularly since he’s heard rumors suggesting the university is on the verge of eliminating the department. Such a move would be ill-advised, according to Snyder, though he says he understands why it would be considered.

“Not everybody finds this stuff as fascinating as I do. It’s not a sexy major like Information Resources or Production & Operations Management, but it’s not as dry as studying politics or something.”

While confident he’ll soon be working in his dream professional field, Snyder said that if for some reason things don’t go as planned, he can always fall back on his minor in print media.

Existence of Panthers sports team comes as surprise Logic dictates Panthers have team

By Steve “Drugs are Bad” Garrison Staff Writer donutparty@uwmpost.com

The UW-Milwaukee Panthers surprised students in more ways than one this year. Not only did many not realize they could play well; they were surprised to learn there is a basketball team at all.

The Panthers demonstrated skills in the areas of ball-handling and defense, winning 19 games and putting in a strong performance during the playoffs.

Even more shocking than the team’s performance in their 19 victories was the existence the team maintained throughout their entire 32 game season.

Fans in attendance at the Panther’s semi-finals game against Valparaiso March 5 were startled to see the skill displayed by the previously

unknown Milwaukee Panthers, with several fans checking their tickets to ensure that they had not inadvertently attended a Marquette Golden Eagles game.

Panthers fan Jeffrey Logan said he was befuddled that the team managed to accomplish as much as they did this season.

“To be honest, before this season I wasn’t even aware anyone came here to play basketball, much less that there’s a player who can manage to make 24 shots out of 36 at the free-throw line,” Logan said.

The Panthers have apparently been competing with 346 other schools in the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) for a chance to play in the Men’s Division I playoffs since 1956.

Only since 2003, however, has the team successfully per-

formed a series of ritualized actions one could define as “basketball,” including consistently shooting balls through hoops and achieving possession of balls that do not go through said hoops.

“It was a great atmosphere. I love throwing my arms up and making basketballs go through hoops. It’s a wonderful feeling,” Senior Forward Anthony Hill said.

Coach Rob Jeter has been celebrated for his role in reinventing the long-irrelevant Panther’s basketball team.

“I played a little bit of HORSE growing up, and I’ve caught a few basketball games on television, so I figured, ‘What the hell? What’s the worst that can happen?’” Jeter said.

Upon their loss to Butler, Jeter announced that despite their early successes, the Panther’s would once again be fulfilling their responsibility as second-string for the women’s rugby team.

East Side Guide | news

uwmpost.com

Who the heck could it be?

Who’s on first?

The Post uncovers rumored fourth candidate for SA President

By Zach “Big Mac” Erdmann News Editor burgers@uwmpost.com

The UW-Milwaukee Student Association elections are right around the corner, and as the ballots are being finalized, the candidates are preparing to launch their campaigns and vandalize every square inch of campus with their vapid political slogans.

The race with the largest renown is for the position of SA President, and although interest and turnout have been historically low, the nominees have already received more than their fair share of media attention.

But throughout all the attention, one rumor has held strong. According to sources within the SA, there was a fourth candidate for the position of president whose paperwork was being held up by the Student Court.

The Post once again took upon itself the sole responsibility of giving a shit, and investigated the rumor. And the findings surprised no one.

Current SA President Travis Romero-Boeck has announced he will be running for reelection next year.

It was originally thought that Romero-Boeck would give up his seat upon graduating; however, during the investigation it was uncovered that Romero-Boeck will not be graduating as anticipated this spring.

Romero-Boeck will fall a whole three credits short of the necessary 120 required

for an undergraduate degree at UWM. The three credits in question came from Patrick Kennedy’s Police Process class. Kennedy is renowned for assisting in the capture of serial killer Jeffery Dahmer. A source within the class described Kennedy as “a BAMF with a killer ’stache” and confirmed that RomeroBoeck “was totally bombing that class.”

The announcement from Romero-Boeck came directly after the midterm exam in Kennedy’s class.

“You know what, to hell with it. I’ll just stay here and do what I know best,” Romero-Boeck announced to the Gasthaus following several Mai-Tai’s.

SA Public Relations Director Alex Kostal, who has spent the last few weeks endorsing SA Presidential Candidate Alex Kostal, distributed an emergency press release late last night.

“While it is unprecedented and unorthodox, the SA is proud to support its own Travis Romero-Boeck for reelection to the office of SA President,” Kostal said.

“Vote for Kostal,” he added.

Romero-Boeck has yet to announce a running mate, although rumor has suggested former President Jay Burseth may throw his hat in the ring.

When asked about his potential candidacy, Burseth replied, “Wait, you can do that?”

March 28, 2011 11

East Side Guide | news

12 March 28, 2011

SDS receives blowback New student org protests protests

By Aaron Knapp-Sack Staff Writer newstoday-gonetomorrow@uwmpost. com

Hundreds of students rallied yet again in Spaights Plaza on March 28, the fi rst school day following Spring break, but not for collective bargaining or access to education. This time, it was a rally to protest protesting.

The rally was sponsored by Students Against Students for a Democratic Society (SASDS), a student organization that was formed just weeks ago in response to the walkout led

by Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) on March 2.

“We are against anyone who is against anything just for the sake of being against something,” said newly appointed organization president and Student Association Vice-President Angela Lang.

“SDS is pretty much against everything, so we are anti-against-everything.”

SASDS developed in the days following the SDS-sponsored walkout, which was part of a national demonstration against cuts to state fund-

ing of education. The March 2 protest primarily focused on Wisconsin politics, targeting both Walker’s proposals to cut education funding and to weaken collective bargaining for public employees.

“I’m here to reclaim my right to not pay attention to anything other than what is part of my daily existence.”

–Austin Jackson

At the SDS walkout, hundreds of students marched around UWM’s central quad, rallied in Spaights Plaza, and paraded through the Union back to the concourse, where they chanted and played drums.

Student Austin Jackson happened to be working on homework in the 8th Note

Coffeehouse, located next to the Union Concourse, when the protestors returned there.

Days later, he was one of the first members of SASDS, the only organization he has ever joined.

“I’m here to reclaim my right to not pay attention to anything other than what is part of my daily existence,” said Jackson. “And seriously, if I hear another drum in the Union, I will not be anti-beating the drum against that drummer’s head.”

SA Senator and Presidential candidate John Pugel, once a supporter of democracy, has himself been turned off by the relentless rallies.

“I have to attend because I am running for SA president.

If I don’t, I will be criticized and lose because of it,” said Pugel. “It’s ridiculous. Politics suck when you are the one directly involved.”

Even some that should be alumni, such as former SA Speaker of the Senate Kyle Duerstein, commented on the motivation for the formation of the new student org.

In a rare moment of candor, Duerstein weighed in on university politics.

“I think SDS is irritating for the student body and they are

The UWM Post

out of order,” he said. “Also, I’m very anti-opposition to majority rule, and the majority wants SDS to do their protests where no one else has to hear it.”

SDS member Azad Safavi also attended the rally. He came because the sponsors were giving out hotdogs and cans of soda to those who attended.

“You can’t expect me not to be here if free food is involved,” said Safavi. “What is this thing about anyway?”

Political science professor Theodore Meckstroth can not understand what causes SDS would stand up for in today’s

political climate.

“I remember when SDS was a real political force in the ’60s, back when there was a draft and a war,” said Meckstroth.

“Things were different then; we really made an impact. If weren’t for all the anti-war demonstrations in the ’60s, the Vietnam War would never have ended in 1975.”

In a meeting held later that day, SDS was unable to agree on a statement in response to the rally. However, a proposal to support a new student organization, SASASDS, was approved with a ferocious wiggle of fingers.

How do you think Fergie got through college? Meth.

METH Continued from page 9

during the competition back in 2009.

They have since been disqualified from the competition.

Methamphetamine, more commonly known as crystal meth, is an amphetamine that stimulates the mind and body. However, due to its addictiveness and misuse, it is a controlled substance under law and is illegal under all jurisdictions.

“During the design process, some of the team were beginning to lose focus,” says one of the engineers on the team. “So I talked to my cousin as well as the Chemistry Department here on campus about manufacturing meth. We were really intent on winning the Decathlon, so we were looking for all of the stimulation we could get.”

The meth lab addition to the team’s original design, a solar-powered house known as Meltwater, was added during construction to keep the team working. The team decided to keep the meth lab in the final design so students, espe-

cially stressed-out freshmen living in Sandburg, could use the drug to stay focused during exam periods.

“We don’t see anything wrong in our doings,” said the director of the design team.

“Meth is overrated anyway. If you can appreciate the flawless design of Meltwater, you can overlook the dangers of crystal meth.”

Meltwater itself is constructed of sustainably harvested White Pine from the Aldo Leopold Foundation.

Of course, Aldo Leopold is Wisconsin’s foremost conservationist and meth pioneer and addict.

“At least there’s no carbon footprint,” says a parent of a Sandburg resident. “You see all of these portrayals of meth labs in the media and they all seem so dirty and smoky.

Hopefully my son will study the chemistry of the whole thing more than he uses the meth. My husband and I don’t want that to happen again.”

Meth is illegal to use and manufacture in the country; however, due to a loophole in the hefty grants that the state and federal government gave to the Meltwater project, the design team and the greater university are legally allowed

to make and distribute the drug.

“Yeah, we lucked out and that one,” said the director of the design team.

The income that the drug will bring in will be invested back into the campus and the School of Architecture and Urban Planning.

Although Meltwater has not opened yet for meetings, classes, and meth sales, it hasn’t posed too much of a threat to the greater health and safety of the campus as of yet.

“We’re really hoping that the distribution of meth on campus won’t interfere too much with campus safety,” the director said. “But you know, it is meth. Anything could happen.”

Many anti-drug campaigns have been popping up around campus in order to put a stop to the Meltwater meth lab, claiming that the campus doesn’t need anymore problems.

However, SASDS has already begun countering those protests.

When asked his opinion about the meth on campus, Interim Chancellor Mike Lovell replied, “There’s a meth lab on campus?”

East Side Guide | news

uwmpost.com

Megow’s guide for steady partners

This isn’t the only type of [kitty synonym] Megow gets.

Maintaining the wood in a monogamous relationship

By A. Francois Megow Sex Columnist/Cartoonist/Sexual Being themeeghole@uwmpost.com

Hello there America, Meegs here to focus on everyone’s favorite topic: Sex. A close friend of mine came up to me one day to ask what it was like to have sex in monogamy for nearly six years. As confused as I was, I replied, “Well, I’ve only been having sex on my desk for a little over two years now.”

Realizing he wasn’t talking about the act of doing it on a richly colored wooden desk, I had to take a step back and analyze it myself. Although there is a constant fear of going stale, having sex with the same person for over five years can still be puh-rity exciting.

Prop-comic Gallagher once said that he was going to make a Playboy-type magazine for married men; every month, same girl. In order to maintain spice in a life of monogamy, your sex life has to be like a porn-mag for married men. Different sets, different outfits, different roles, anything to keep that motor purring will work. So allow me to bring up some recommendations to let those dirty little thoughts become a reality.

Making love in different settings can be easy for a five-plus year relationship because you should already know what your significant other prefers for climate. For me, my partner knows not to make love on the beach, because I can’t stand the sand and heat. Doing it in the shade?

Maybe, but what beach on a good day has vacant shade? The night is even worse because it’s so goddamned cold. I don’t care about the shrinkage because my partner already knows my size.

What about making love in woods? Two words: wood ticks.

Pretty much anywhere outside

is dangerous in this day and age anyway, because everyone has a camera phone. My junk has never been in more danger, so it’s best to keep things inside, where the cameras are more or less sparse.

The outfits department also needs to be handled with care.

When I see that my love has spent $60 on a new teddy I have to be appreciative. Even though it’s likely to come off in the ritual, I look at her and say, “It looks great sweetie, what a marvelous buy!” A few years down the road I learned a nice trick to help my judgment. Keep that new expensive teddy or bra on when making love. That’s why it was bought in the first place right? Gentlemen, are you writing this down?

When it comes to role-playing in moments of pleasure, both players are in danger of getting carried away. This tends to be an issue for people who once performed in high school plays and take their acting rather seriously. For me, roleplaying always seems to end up with childish name-calling and someone crying because it was only supposed to go so far.

Remembering who I am seems to be a repeating concern as I can never remember if I’m supposed to be a southern Italian or a northern Italian.

Because of my pasty white skin, geographically, it would seem logical that I’m from the North, but I think my lady wants me to be from the South. I wrote a note once, but I’m pretty sure I lost it.

Anyway, you see my points; being in a relationship for over five years is great. A relationship is a team, and if you continue to enjoy playing with the same player, then why give up on a good thing? It doesn’t beat Animal Planet’s shark week, but what does?

March 28, 2011 13

East Side Guide | news

14 March 28, 2011

“Not a square to spare” A string of toilet-paper thefts leaves students high ‘n’ moist

There’s a whole lotta poopin’ that won’t be going with all the campus TP havin’ been stolen! Still of tampered UWM Union camera footage

By Lauren “Loren” Groh Staff Writer ErrorMessage403@uwmpost.com

An unknown female student allegedly ran off with several rolls of toilet paper from the first-floor Union bathroom on St. Patrick’s Day. Jerry Stucco, a UW-Milwaukee Union janitor, first discovered the missing rolls during his afternoon sweep through. That’s when he saw the writing on the wall. (Literally.)

“Can you spare a square?”

“It was written in green nail polish, above the hand dryers,” Stucco said. “However festive, this thief’s a sicko! I vow to get to the bottom of this. Nobody’s gonna mess with my bathrooms!”

After reading these words the janitor immediately dropped trou and took a seat in the paperless stall. Feeling the heat of the seat, he knew he was hot the perp’s trail.

Stucco may not be licensed, but he is no novice in the detective business. He has been solving crimes since he was a boy.

His most famous cases include The Case of the Missing Rent Money, The Mysterious BeerBinger and The Grizzly-Handed Pedophile – all of which resulted in accumulating prison time for his uncle Jerry.

So far, there is no link between the toilet-paper theft and the vandalism that had occurred in that same bathroom just three days prior.

“Some psycho ripped the door off the hinges in the handicap stall the other day,” Stucco reported. “On the bright side, they can just recycle the caution tape that’s already in there.”

This isn’t the first time toiletpaper thefts have occurred on the UWM campus.

“There was a toilet-paper theft in November of ’10, and a string of ’em back in ’06,” Cory Cuff, a UWM police officer, said. “I mean, we found a square here and a square there, but nothing substantial. This reminds me more of the Haiti Fund Fiasco of 2010, which boiled down to vicious comment wars, pointed fingers, and an unsolved mystery.”

Luckily, there was another girl on the toilet at the time of the crime. She provided a stepby-step report of the St. Patrick’s Day heist: “She [the toilet paper thief] seemed frantic,” Barbara Booker, a UWM student, said. “She ran from the stall on my left to the stall on my right, gathering toilet paper rolls. I watched her through the crack while she stuffed the rolls into a duffel bag. I couldn’t see her face, but her heart was pure black.”

When asked if she could provide any more tangible details about the toilet-paper thief, Booker offered only two words to aid the investigation: Ugg boots.

According to Officer Cuff, they’ve narrowed the suspect pool down to every girl on campus.

The UWM Post

Toyota buys Hummer, discontinues Prius Sometimes green really just refers to the color

By John Prellwitz Automotive Columnist 20_inch_rims@uwmpost.com

Toyota announced its purchase of GM’s defunct Hummer brand during a special press conference at its Torrance, Calif. headquarters this past week.

CEO Yoshimi Inaba stated the “brute-ute” – or brute utility vehicle – will serve as a replacement to the Prius, whose production is ending “as soon as possible, preferably yesterday.” The Prius has been an embarrassment to Toyota since its inception.

Its dismal sales were only supported through government incentives, as well as “motherly types” that were heartbroken by its homely appearance and felt obligated to bring it home.

Objecting husbands attempted to return the vehicle by claiming it had a sticking throttle. Some even took great personal risks by running it into things to prove their point.

Addressing concerns about the dangers SUVs pose to smaller cars, Toyota widened the Hummer’s track and increased its ground clearance, allowing it to safely pass over any vehicle in its path.

Popular former-Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Al Gore, creator of the World Wide Web, were on hand to unveil the “Green Movement’s new fl agship.” The unveiling was an emotional moment for Schwarzenegger, who once maintained a personal fleet of eight Hummers but sold them off based on advice from his political handlers.

With tears in his eyes and his voice cracking, Schwarzenegger reflected on the sale of his final Hummer. “I signed over the title, and as I walked away, I thought I heard it whisper, ‘I’ll be back.’”

“Well, it’s back!” said William Fay, Toyota’s VP of Marketing. “We’ve looked at the mistakes made by GM and AM General, made some key improvements, and created a vehicle that can be

embraced by individuals on both ends of the political spectrum.”

In a speech following the unveiling, Gore said, “The Prius’ frugal nature and low emissions are to be commended, but what good is saving the polar ice caps if your car can’t take you there to see them?” Gore added that he was “truly embarrassed” when his son, despite being high on marijuana and prescription drugs, could only reach 100 mph in his own Prius.

The Hummer concept was shown in “Sublime Green” – the only color it will be available in. “Our biggest mistake in creating the Prius was that all our market research suggested our customers wanted a ‘green’ car,” said Fay. “We thought that meant ‘eco friendly,’ but all they really wanted was for it to literally be painted green.”

Despite its warm reception at the press conference, Toyota’s acquisition of Hummer was not without obstacles. Addressing concerns about the dangers SUVs pose to smaller cars, Toyota widened the Hummer’s track and increased its ground clearance, allowing it to safely pass over any vehicle in its path.

While operating the Hummer test mule on public roads, it was discovered that the vehicle was too large to pass through the tunneled redwoods of Northern California. The problem was resolved by attaching chainsaws to the front brush guard and a wood-chipper to the roof – allowing drivers to chart their own path, even when faced with 1,000 years of old-growth.

Consumers worried about fuel economy can opt for the “extended range” package.

Selecting this option will ensure that the Hummer will be fitted with an auger mounted to the back bumper. If they get stranded due to an empty tank, they can simply drill their own oil.

Development of the Prius, however, was not a complete loss. “Some technology will carry over from the Prius to the Hummer,” said Inaba.

“We will continue to employ regenerative braking, storing energy to power the 20,000 watt sound system that fills the rear cargo area. Or in Al Gore’s case, provide alternative energy to supplement that $30,000a-year electrical bill at his Tennessee mansion.”

East Side Guide | news

uwmpost.com

National boredom levels expected to reach all-time highs America’s celebrities on strike, spearheaded by Charlie Sheen

By Brian Holmes Staff Writer boom-shaka-laka@uwmpost.com

For the first time in U.S. history, American celebrities have announced their intent to go on strike. As of April 1, celebrities nationwide will no longer be entertaining the masses.

“We’re done being nice,” said actress Lindsey Lohan.

“When I have to resort to stealing a $2,500 necklace that should have been given to me for free, things have gone too far.”

As the movement gained momentum, celebrities voted unanimously to make notorious party animal Charlie Sheen their spokesperson.

“We celebrities are tired of being chastised by the public,” said a red-eyed Sheen.

“The poor state of the economy has hit us hard, too. In fact, just yesterday I was expected to actually pay for a meal at my favorite restaurant. This is ridiculous, and we aren’t going to take it.”

Minnesota Vikings’ star running back Adrian Peterson and actor and director Mel Gibson have also been active representatives of the movement.

“Man, slavery is alive and well. Charlie, Mel and I are just voicing what the rest of celebrities feel,” said Peterson. “I promised myself that I would someday own an island. With the chicken scrap millions I get paid in the NFL, this is not likely to happen any time soon.”

Gibson added, “Frankly, we are sick and tired of being harassed with public concerns.

If we do something stupid, we

get in trouble just like any average Joe. This is not the America I grew up in.”

Gibson went on to express his support for Sheen as the movement’s spokesperson.

“Charlie has opened my eyes.

If I want to drink, drive and spout anti-Semitism, that is my choice as a celebrity. The world should just have to deal with it.”

This could devastate an already ideologically divided nation and encourage people to think. In fear of this, Uncle Sam has decided to instate a celebrityreplacement program until a deal can be reached.

All movies, TV shows, sporting events and music will cease as of April 1 as well.

You may be asking yourself, what could possibly get our celebrities back to business?

Sheen’s response: “We want everyone in America to line up and kiss our asses. That’s all we have ever wanted. There once was a time when celebrities could get away with murder. Now we’re subject to tickets and even jail time. Totally unacceptable.”

Without celebrities, experts predict boredom levels could hit an all-time high – the highest since the invention

of the television. This could devastate an already ideologically divided nation and encourage people to think. In fear of this, Uncle Sam has decided to instate a celebrityreplacement program until a deal can be reached. Millions have been lining the streets of Hollywood the past week attempting to give stardom a try.

“I’m a drug addict and a high-school dropout,” said Detroit native Marcus Taylor.

“Right now, no one will hire me because of my criminal record and lack of education.

But if I’m a celebrity, none of that stuff will matter.”

Katrina Lang proudly introduced herself as the “biggest slut in Grand Forks.” She is also hoping to see her name in the lights. “I love drugs, sex with random strangers, and bleaching my hair. Now I have a chance to get a job where I can be my degenerate self, and people will just call me eccentric.”

Sheen guffawed at the thought of a replacement celebrity taking his job, barely able to spit out a negation in between bouts of braying laughter.

“My dad is an actor, my brother is an actor, and people have fallen in love with seeing my face and hearing my ridiculous tirades,” he said. “I mean, let’s be honest – do you think someone with tiger blood flowing through his veins can be defeated?

The answer is no. I’ll always be winning. In a week or two, America will come crawling back, ready to honor and adore their celebrities.”

March 28, 2011 15

HELIPAD Continued from page 9

out alerts if the microchip detects any intake of drugs, alcohol or a rise in pre-coital physiological hormones.

Peak explains the relationship between parents and college students today and how it’s not the same as it used to be. Parents don’t just drop their kids off and see them again at Christmas anymore.

“I just want my child to know they still have their mommy to look to.” –Kerri Green

“Parents today seem like they are less willing to ‘give up’ their children and let them live independent lives in college,” Peak explained.

“They feel more comfortable when they can hover over their kids every step of the way. This dorm will make it easier for them to do so. We see it as a win-win; parents can help their children experience college.”

Kerri Green is a short, power-walking mom who stopped to talk as she whisked by in her tracksuit during her morning walk around the campus perimeter. Green is a stay-at-home mom from Menomonee Falls who makes the 45-minute trek to campus every day during rush hour to be near her student.

“My son is in his second semester here, and I just like to drive to the campus early in the morning to walk, get some exercise, and be in

the area just in case my son would need me,” Green said.

She agrees with Peak and is excited about the progress UWM is making with the addition of a parent dorm.

Green was one of the first 100 parents to secure a room in the new Joan Crawford Hall, which wasn’t an easy task – parents are reserving rooms at an alarming rate.

“It’s hard when your kids move out, you know? I just want my son to know he still has his mommy to look to.

Now I can be right here to pick his classes, have conferences with his teachers whenever I need to, eat lunch with him, meet his friends, and make sure he’s making the right choices – without taking that morning drive,” she said.

The raucous enthusiasm on the parents’ end, congruent with Peak’s, has silenced the student voice.

However, some colleges, such as Marquette University – which has been pushing for less independence in their students for generations – have encountered some issues with parent dorms.

For instance, no longer is it just the parents who walk into their children’s dorm rooms to discover them having sex. Kelly Sedavich, a sophomore at Marquette, knows first hand what it is like to experience the reverse.

“I don’t know what I saw,” said Sedavich, rocking back and forth methodically with a distant look in her eyes. “It may be that they are older or it may be that they are more experienced, but what I saw looks nothing like what I’ve been doing.”

The Student Association has agreed to take action against the parent dorm, but Mrs. Romero-Boeck isn’t sure how she feels about that.

“I always want to support Travis’s political aspirations, but I never thought they would exclude my own interests,” she mourned.

16 March 28, 2011

East Side Guide | news

The UWM Post

Walgreens clerk puzzled by crowded parking lot, empty store Definitely not the Walgreens on Oakland Ave.

Clerk believes paranormal activity is the cause

By Eric Engelbart Staff Writer frampton420@uwmpost.com

“It happens every weekend,” said Sparky Finkster, the eccentric and elderly Walgreens clerk, about the empty drugstore’s crowded parking lot.

Finkster, who has been working at the Walgreens on Oakland Avenue ever since retiring from his fast-paced manufacturing job at Briggs & Stratton, reported that every Friday and Saturday night the parking lot fills up, but customers never seem to make it into the store.

“The only logical explanation I can think of is that there is some sort of wormhole or paranormal hullabaloo between the parking lot and the store,” Finkster said. “It’s just the darndest thing, like the store is in the Twilight Zone.”

This past Friday, the store’s parking lot was full of cars for the entire night, but there were only a handful of customers shopping. Finkster noticed that the customers who did succeed in making it through the store’s automatic doors were often stumbling – perhaps a side effect of the perils of the parking lot – as they wound their way through the aisles, eventually purchasing cigarettes and large quantities of snack foods.

“Those who do make it in are usually slurring their speech and having trouble walking,” said Finkster. “I don’t know why this happens, but I’ll bet my bottom dollar that the parking lot has been cursed, and it is transmitting that curse upon all who drive, bike or walk on it.”

When told that nearby bars and theaters fill to capacity on these nights, well beyond the amount of vehicles represented in their parking lots, he came to a realization. “There must be a portal somewhere near our automatic doors transporting our customers to other businesses.”

During his 15 minute break, he searched the store’s entrance for any sign of supernatural activity, but to no avail. “Whatever it is, it knows that I’m onto it,” said Finkster.

Around 2 a.m., all the cars seem to magically disappear or evaporate into thin air, leaving Finkster dumbfounded. Upon pointing out that 2 a.m. coincides with bar close, he sat there, thinking and scratching his head for almost five minutes. “Maybe the bars were built on some sort of ancient Indian burial ground,” he said. “That’s usually the case with these types of things.”

Notice how this ghost-shopper isn’t casting a reflection?

INTENTIONAL. Ghosts don’t cast shadows, idiot.

uwmpost.com

March 28, 2011 17

The UWM Post

18 March 28, 2011

PRIMAL URGES

ANDREW MEGOW

PRIMALURGES@UWMPOST.COM

Pet of the Week Ellie Ellie enjoys spending her time laying on the couch. She has a very short attention span unless there is food involved. Ellie’s favorite activity is guilting people into giving her treats by using her sad puppy eyes. She enjoys hiding her bones under your pillows or in between your bed sheets as presents. She hates socks and baths.

CORPORATE HORROR

JOSEPH KUENZLE

Send us photos of your pet, with its name and a little about them to petoftheweek@uwmpost.com.

$QQRXQFHPHQWV Training upon request: Invite us to your meetings!

Phil Wilayto, Iran Lecture March 29, 2011, 7:00pm, Alumni Fireside Lounge Phil Wilayto is an international expert on Iran’s increasing importance in the international area. It is important for people in the US to have a greater understand this country and its new roles on the world stage. For more information email sandqui2@uwm.edu. Sponsored by Progressive Students of Milwaukee, a student organization at UWM.

FBI Harassment of the Anti-War Movement March 31, 2011, 7:00pm, UWM Union 191 Lecture by Meredith Abby. For more information email raspanti@uwm.edu.

Sponsored by Students for a Democratic Society, a student organization at UWM.

When China Rules the World March 31 2011, 7:00pm, Alumni Fireside Lounge Martin Jacques is an extremely influential author. His most recent book “When China Rules the World” is a definitive analysis of the rise of chin and its economic and cultural repercussions. For more information email vsandqui2@uwm.edu. Sponsored by Progressive Student of Milwaukee, a student organization at UWM

Gohar Vardanyan March 312011, 7:00pm, Peck School of the Arts Recital Hall Armenian Guitarist Gohar Vardanya has performed for the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, DC, New England and Sierra Nevada Guitar Societies, Guitar masters Series at the Interlocked Guitar Festival, Juilliard’s Wednesday’s @Series, Peabody’s Thursday Noon series, with the Juilliard Opera Center and as a soloist with the Great Lakes Chamber Orchestra. She has been a guest Artist for Baltimore Classical Guitar society’s Guitar Day and a master class faculty at the Interlochen Guitar Festival and Workshop.

Admission is $12 general/$10 seniors, faculty and alumni/$8 students. For more information contact Peck School of the Arts Box Office at 414-229-4308.

all

Student Organizations

The Student Activities Office now offers student organization training upon request. Student organization consultants are ready to attend your organization’s meetings to provide training on a variety of topics. Specifically, organizations are encouraged to request PantherSync training for both officers and members. Training request should be made at least two weeks prior the training date desired. This allows time to manage staff schedules and assign a trainer for your meeting. To make a training request, visit www.activities.uwm.edu and click on Organization Training can complete the Training Request for Registered Student Organization form. You can also access this form in PantherSync through the “Forms” tool. Trainings may also be requested by emailing activities@uwm.edu.

Renewal registration is in progress!

Training is required! becoming limited!

Student Choices Activities Officeare is hiring!

The Student Activities Office is now accepting applications for two positions: Student Organization Consultants and Web Design/Developer. Student Organization Consultant general responsibilities include providing training and assistance to student organizations, representing the office at various events on campus and assisting students in finding involvement opportunities. The Web Design/Developer general responsibilities include one-on-one consultations with OSL Centers for the planning/development and launch of departmental websites. Continued responsibilities include general maintenance, updating and ongoing development of additional web site and resources. For the full position descriptions and an application visit http://www4.uwm.edu/sao/temp/employment.cfm

For details see

www4.uwm.edu/sao/panthersync/renewal.cfm Sign up for training with OrgSync Inc. (required Student training) Organization Awards 2011 You can RSVP from within the Panthersync system or The annual student organization award nomination forms are now available! Nominations are due no later than Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 3:00pm (first week after spring break!). Categories include: Advisor of the Year, Outstandsign up ing Leadership Award, Outstanding Program of the Year, Outstanding Student Organization Award, Outstanding Volunteer Award, and Student Organization Service Award. For more information, contact Tom Dake at 229-5780 or at the Student Activities Office, Union 363. activities@uwm.edu. Forms and more information will be available on the SAO Org Recognition page.

Monday, September 13 } 1:00pm, 3:00pm or 5:00pm Tuesday, September 14 } 10:30am or 1:00pm

Need some help getting members into PantherSync? Request a PantherSync trainer for your next student organization meeting! PantherSync trainers are student consultants working with student organizations and can provide detailed information on the PantherSync system. Request a trainer for your next general membership meeting or officers meeting! Due to scheduling limitations, trainers may not be available for last minute requests. To request a PantherSync trainer for your meeting complete the Training Request form online here: https://orgsync.com/forms/show/22606

funded by

March 28, 2011 19

uwmpost.com

Sudoku INSTRUCTIONS: Fill in the squares so that every row, every column, and every 3x3 box contains the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

©2011 Jonas Wittke

Solution found on page 4

THE UWM POST CROSSWORD ACROSS 1 Resistance units 5 South Park character 9 Depart 14 “Hold on!”

15 Let’s make a ____ 16 Past (days) 17 Out ____ (3 wds.)

19 Obstructs 20 How ____ Got Her Groove Back (film) 21 Acne scar 23 Waterlocked mass 25 Water remover 30 Bicker 32 Somebody?

33 Bracelet ornament 36 Lamb sounds 38 Temporary sleepers 39 Joplin’s era 40 The theme of this puzzle 41 Placed 42 Computer desktop image 44 Am not 45 People who get things done 47 Harmless 49 Not drinking 51 Up in the air, maybe 53 Depends (on) 56 Christmas carol 58 Range parts 60 Hurt by a bee 64 In ____ (3 wds.)

66 Blender setting 67 Give off 68 Crosswordy needle case name 69 More skilled 70 Fish catchers 71 Halite DOWN 1 2 3 4

Hooters Part of Hispaniola Tyson and Wallace Outstanding

1

2

3

4

5

14

6

9

18

23

24 30 35

25

36

43

47

29

38

45 49

56 63

28

32 37

52

62

27

41

48

61

Godoku and every 3x3 box contains the following letters exactly once: R, L, Y, A, F, O, G, D, N. One row or column will reveal a hidden word!

26

44

51

13

INSTRUCTIONS: Fill in the squares so that every row, every column,

40

42

12

22

31

39

11

19 21

34

10

16

20

60

8

15

17

33

7

46

50 53

57 64

54 58

55 59

65

66

67

68

69

70

71

Jonas Wittke, 2011

5 Certain country singer 6 Affirmative 7 Light source 8 Arm joint 9 Solidify, as a game show answer 10 It follows kay 11 Hubbub 12 Fruit’s partner, for short 13 Type widths 18 Morning bell 22 Auto accident 24 One of the United Arab Emirates 26 Big Apple (abbr.)

27 Gosling’s parent 28 Computer key 29 Takes a nap 31 Makes 33 Baby hangouts 34 Certain vowel marking

35 Suffering 37 Movie star 40 Tropical fruit 43 U.S. biomedical research agcy.

45 U.S.-based airline 46 Maryland MLB team 48 Stir fry ingredient, maybe 50 Troubles 52 Ms. Keller 54 1996 Madonna movie 55 Korea city 57 Citrus fruit 59 State of agitation 60 Salon’s partner 61 Vat 62 Web address 63 Originally 65 Set of tools solution found on page 4

©2011 Jonas Wittke

Solution found on page 4

In-word

THIS WEEK’S IN-WORD: WHALING

INSTRUCTIONS: Find as many words as possible using only the letters from this week’s IN-WORD. Words must be four or more letters long.

Slang words, proper nouns, and contractions are not permitted. Only one form of a verb is permitted. Words that become four or more letters by the addition of “s” are not permitted.

Can you find 12 or more words in “WHALING?”

©2011 Jonas Wittke

Solution found on page 4

20 March 28, 2011

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The UWM Post