C
NOVEMBER 2020, SPECIAL NEWSLETTER #1
THE WABASH
OMMENTARY
ADVANCING IDEAS & INSIGHTS ABOUT TRADITIONAL WABASH, EST. 1993
Editor-in-Chief
Kevin Ballard-Munn Managing Editor
Ace Dzurovcik Staff
Editor's Note
Hello all, and welcome to The Wabash Commentary’s Election Night newsletter!
EDITOR'S NOTE -1
Given our traditional pursuit of rational discussion, even in the face of controversy, we felt tonight was a great time to reach out directly. In particular, we understand that tonight’s events may bring about some uncomfortable emotions. Whether you’re a “deplorable,” “nasty woman,” or a third-party voter, it seems public vitriol and polarization are
CANDIDATE AFFINITY CHART -2
at an all time high. So naturally, as an empathetic
Casey Akers
publication, we're here to guide you through the long night.
Brentin Ungar
Tonight's newsletter features three helpful articles. First,
NIGHT
we’ve got a "thought association" infographic to help you
SURVIVAL
Cole Asbury Eddie Olvera Other Contributors
@everyone_list
decide which major candidate to support after the polls close. Since legal battles are already taking shape, we may
ELECTION
GUIDE -3
as well preempt their emotional appeals now. Second, we’ve included an ever-timely Election Night Survival Guide. Think of it like SNL, just without singing or crying. And finally, we’ve included our own prediction of the final electoral college map. It's a hot take--but aren't they all...? Happy Electoral College Games, Wabash. May the PredictIt odds be ever in your favor.
OFFICIAL TWC ELECTORAL MAP -4
YOU MIGHT LIKE [X] CANDIDATE IF...
DONALD TRUMP
JOE BIDEN
Oranges are your favorite fruit.
You miss your dead grandfather.
You find and enjoy a "constitutional right to be an asshole."
You have a pathological fear of Corn Pops.
You think sipping water on stage is You want someone to compliment the standard of electability. you on your new shampoo. "Karen" Pence is your spirit animal. You thought "Borat 2" was funny. The phrase "Made in China" triggers you.
You can't remember who you're voting for, but blue is a pretty color.
All your friends are in prison.
You want Justice Judy on the Court.
Buzzwords to live by
Liberation 2nd Amendment Pro "Life" Patriarchy Fake News ACB
Buzzwords to live by JO JORGENSON Lockdown 22nd Amendment You think [insert candidate here] should never have won the primary.
LOOK AT ME, I'M DIFFERENT!
Pro "Choice" Co-ed Presidency Animal Crossing ACAB
ELECTION NIGHT SURVIVAL GUIDE No matter whom you support, it seems that tonight will be a particularly stressful spectator sport. Accordingly, in the interest of "self-help", we've compiled some tips to get you through the highs and lows of tonight's coverage. Feel free to reference these as you celebrate and/or mourn the future of American democracy!
Hydrate!
Take breaks!
Quenching your thirst is always crucial, but it's even more important when you're soaking in election coverage for hours. We recommend water, though if you're of legal age something stronger might numb the pain of ongoing coverage, (In the spirit of whatever half of the country will try to declare independence after tonight's result, we recommend scotch.)
It may seem that a lot of information is coming in at once, but don't worry--we won't have truly final results for days, if not weeks! So feel free to walk away from that screen for a few minutes or hours and clear your heard. Don't worry: Anderson Cooper and the New York Times needles will still be waiting for you when you get back.
Adopt a Senator!
Go to bed!
If following the Presidential race seems stressful, to keep in mind: Buzzwords live by there are hundreds of other elections tonight, too! If you need a distraction from the POTUS Liberation Circus, we recommend "adopting" 2nd Amendment another election and watching those numbers trickle in. Whether it's a Pro "Life" Representative, Governor, or Senator... Patriarchy different numbers help with distraction.
Fake News ACB
It may seem obvious, but it bears repeating: the results of tonight's Buzzwords to live by election will not change if you watch them live. And, unlike most politicians, Lockdown you'll need to be a functioning member of society tomorrow--this is a Tuesday, 22nd Amendment not a Friday. When all else fails, and the night starts to drag Pro on, go"Choice" to bed and spare yourself the pain. Co-ed Presidency
Animal Crossing ACAB
2020 ELECTORAL MAP PREDICTION "What a long strange trip it's been." --The Grateful Dead, "Truckin'" The above lyrics, derived from a classic song about "truckin' on," have been famously cited in two separate contexts. The first is found in the title of a 1977 compilation album, comprised of the Grateful Dead's greatest hits at that time. The second, more recent use is found in the 2020 "Ringing-In Address" of Scott E. Feller, 17th President of Wabash College. While both cases seem different, they are actually very similar. These words represent a willingness to reflect back on the travels of the past, for better and for worse, while leaving the door open to dream about a brighter future in an unknown tomorrow. Over the past months and years, one word has sufficed to describe the sentiments of the American people: weary. They are weary of "the swamp;" they are weary of this pandemic; they are weary of hearing from old faces promising new solutions that never occur. The American people are jaded; to them, empty rhetoric is all too hollow. So, naturally, they desire a candidate who can put thought into motion--solving our problems, not just speaking about them. They seek familiarity, but only where it can bring about action. A recent poll we've taken on the Wabash College campus (sample size: 1) reaffirms this ideal. Much as a "silent majority" defied polls and pushed President Trump over the edge in 2016, we believe that a similar "silent majority" will bring a dark horse into new light. We find that the American people seek a man who exudes logic--one who has built his life around science, who has Presidential experience, who can appeal to the nostalgia of the past while also looking forward to the unseen challenges of the future. As our polls show, and intuition dictates: the American People cry out for President Scott Feller. Together with running mate Robert H. Weir, of the Grateful Dead, he brings experience and nostalgia to navigate these odd times.
Buzzwords to live by Liberation 2nd Amendment Pro "Life" Patriarchy Fake News ACB
To the left of this text, you'll see our final projection for the outcome of this election. Buoyed by COVID hysteria and Deadhead nostalgia, Scott Feller appears to be a heavy Buzzwords to lead liveover bythe favorite--we predict a 538-0-0 Pi Biden and Trump tickets as polls close.
Lockdown States to watch: 22nd Amendment Indiana should be an early bellwether-if Feller can Pro run up"Choice" the score on Notre Dame tonight, a landslide seems likely. Co-ed Presidency Texas has been rumored to flip this cycle--there's a real opportunity Animal Crossingfor Feller to consolidate a lead there. ACAB Wyoming just wants to be noticed.