How Much Do You Weigh?

f you recoiled at the title of this piece, I get you. A person’s weight, for the most part, is considered a private topic. What grown women wouldn’t do to keep this fateful number under wraps. For some, it’s a subject of shame. But, for the majority of at least one segment of our population, it’s irrelevant. It’s the kids—and we have so much to learn from them.

This issue’s topic in Gila Glassberg’s enlightening column Tap In brought to mind a conversation I overheard several months ago, when my nine-year-old daughter had a few friends over one Sunday afternoon. They wanted to take turns in a small car the little ones enjoy riding, but one of them noticed a label sporting the vehicle’s weight limit. “Let’s get the scale,” my daughter remarked with what was only nonchalance. She came into the kitchen to find out where it was, and I directed her to its location. Before long, the four of them were standing in a line, each awaiting their turn to step on the device that is wrought with so many deep-seated associations for too many of us—so inextricably bound to our self-worth—to get a glimpse of their status: Am I allowed to sit in this car or not?

My ears sharpened, I listened as one by one, they announced their number aloud. Then, giggles. “So cute, you’re one pound more than me!” “Isn’t it funny that she’s ten pounds less and we’re all the same height?”

And then, just like that, next conversation. How refreshing!

Ispent some time thinking about this episode, mulling over what I found so endearing about it. Various answers came to mind, but one was the absolute non-issue a significantly emotion-laden topic among adults is for these blessed kids. It is my hope and prayer that this blissful ignorance—a sign of how inconsequential the matter is in their eyes—accompanies them for a long time. So she weighs more, so what?

Imagine how much more wholesome our world would be if external variables mattered so little. Often, readers write in to say how impacted they are by the significance weight—and appearance—takes up in their community, even among those who place an emphasis on higher values. To change the deep-seated reality for ourselves may feel too challenging, but there are measures we can take to at least help our children lead lives that are less consumed by these matters.

For one, the more we convey externals as a non-issue, the better. Instead of lecturing about their insignificance and drawing the topic to our children’s attention, simply not making a big deal about it speaks volumes. One of my young daughters has a broader build, especially relative to her sister immediately under her whose build is particularly slender, and she’ll sometimes say to me, especially when she’s wearing something new and noticing how the outfit fits, “Right I’m fat?”

What I usually tell her is that I don’t think she’s fat (I really don’t), but it never ends there. I always ask her, “And if you are fat? And so?”

Seriously, and so? Unless a child is so overweight that her health or social standing is impacted, why does this even have to be a topic? It’s during these formative years that our daughters create the associations they will have with food for the rest of their lives. Do we want them to feel guilty every time they’re eating “too much?” To feel fear that one more slice of cake or even plate of salad will “make me fat?” We want them to value themselves for their true essence, for being prized daughters of the King, created in the image of Hashem.

Of course, anything in the extreme isn’t wholesome, and teaching our kids to pay attention to their overall appearance as refined, put-together individuals has importance, but conveying an emphasis on the subject can be severely detrimental to our children’s self-image and contentment. We want them to eat nourishing meals because it’s good for them and their body, not because we’re afraid of weight gain. We want them to look at themselves in the mirror and feel good about what they see, regardless of the inconsequential number on the scale. And the more of a non-issue these things are in their life, the more focused they can be be’ezras Hashem on what really matters.

Enjoy the rest of this glorious season,

Shiffy Friedman

Small Details.

Marked Difference

Issue #87: Seasoned, OT@ Home

I wanted to bring to your attention a possible error in the Pesach issue’s Swap column. I tried the zucchini potato kugel eagerly, excited to bring some nutrition into a family favorite, but was very disappointed when my offerings were refused by my family. The final result was way too salty. The recipe called for a quarter cup of salt, which seemed way off. I’d added a few tablespoons instead, but it was too salty anyway. It was also too watery thanks to the zucchini’s natural water, and it required an extra half hour or more of baking time.