My Daughter’s Weight Gain Is Bothering Me On Unconditional Love

By Shiffy Friedman

I’m blessed with a large family, baruch Hashem, and, like every good parent, I try to give my children what they need so they can grow into their best selves. For the most part, my kids are well-adjusted, and I connect easily with them. One thing, however, has been bothering me for a while, and last issue’s editorial served as the impetus for me to reach out to this parenting column, which has provided me with much insight in the past regarding the inside-out approach to parenting.

Reading Shiffy Friedman’s essay on the kinds of conversations we can have with our children about their appearance and how healthy it is for the topic to be a non-issue highlighted for me how much work I have to do in this area, especially in regard to my 13-year-old daughter. I wish I could be nonchalant about her pronounced weight gain, but I’m absolutely not. As someone who’s not especially weight conscious but has always been on the relatively slender side, it’s hard for me to watch the change, and when I see her munching on candy and chocolate it takes all my self-control not to say something. We went shopping for camp clothes the other day, and I really felt bad for her. The “I told you so” kept echoing in my mind, but I actually never told her so—because I want to be that kind, loving mother she needs. It’s hard work, but for the most part I keep it all in.

Still, it’s clear to me that something’s not right here. Should I just keep pretending? Should I be honest and say something? And while a big reason why I have a hard time with my daughter’s weight gain is because I feel sorry for her, I won’t kid myself that it also puts a strain on the way I feel about her. Honestly, I find it harder to accept her this way. It bothers me that I can’t be that loving mother to her because something as petty as her appearance is getting in the way. What advice can you give me so that our good relationship can remain this way—and perhaps become even stronger?

Wants to Be a Loving Mother

Your question opens the platform to a question that is universal to all mothers (as well as fathers), and I thank you for that. I also applaud you for taking the courage to notice where you’re at in your relationship with your daughter, even digging deeper to discover that the issue isn’t only your concern for her but that you honestly find it harder to accept her. This realization in itself is major; as the world says, awareness is the agent for change. With Hashem’s help, you will experience that change very soon.

What every healthy mother wants first and foremost is not only to love her children, but for them to feel her love. It doesn’t feel good to us as parents when we perceive that our children feel unloved. And because Hashem intended for the parent-child relationship to be built on a loving foundation (which will ultimately shape the child’s perception of Hashem as the Parent), He has given us the tools to make it happen.

The most powerful tool each of us possesses as a mother is that we are— by design—a being of love. This is the good news: that our appreciation for our child is an innate part of who we are. Just watch the way we care for a newborn baby, how we instinctively feel pain when our child is in pain. Even those of us who don’t feel especially maternal have that component; it simply expresses itself differently in every individual. Unconditional love doesn’t only mean I can connect with her when I approve and like everything about her. It means I accept and embrace this child, period—with no conditions, no only ifs.

What if we’re honest with ourselves and we notice that we’re not experiencing this kind of ahavah she’einah teluyah bedavar? (For starters, know that you’re not alone. Rather, you’re of the majority—but that’s not the comfort we’re looking for!) Knowing the above premise— that every healthy mother innately possesses this kind of feeling toward her children—gives us the answer. If I don’t feel that my motherly love toward my child is unconditional, it’s not because it isn’t there; it’s because something is getting in the way that prevents me from feeling it. And here’s where the work lies: in unblocking that part within.

With this perspective in mind, let’s explore what those blockages might be.

You say that for the most part, you connect easily with your kids. Good for you and them! It’s with this child in particular that you’re stumped, and you’re attributing this impediment in the relationship to your daughter’s size.

While it helps to identify a logical reason as to why we feel a certain way, the main work toward truly changing the reality has little to do with that logic. In other words, this conversation is way bigger than your daughter’s size. The size might be the presenting issue, but it’s only a symptom of an underlying matter. It’s about the hard time you may be having connecting to the place of unconditional love that is innately yours.

You ask for advice so that “our good relationship can remain this way— and perhaps become even stronger,” but while the insight I’m about to share is also about the relationship between you and your daughter, it is first and foremost about the relationship between you and yourself. (This is the Inner Parenting column, after all!)

As mothers who want to be unconditionally loving, we may want to ask ourselves, “Do I know what it means to feel unconditional love? Have I ever been the recipient of unconditional love? Do I believe it can even exist?”

Many of us come into adulthood highly doubting that unconditional love really exists. Based on our upbringing, the current culture with its emphasis on achievement, and other factors, we find it hard to believe that human beings are deserving of love just because. There always has to be a reason, we tell ourselves— and a good one, at that. It’s hard for us to relate to the Af al pi shechata, Yisrael hu, that yes, Hashem loves us regardless of our deeds. And then, we become parents, and we want to give our children what we don’t really know ourselves.

The first place we can observe if we are able to love unconditionally is within ourselves. Since we can only accept others to the extent that we accept ourselves, that’s a good place to start. If we can only be kind to ourselves when xyz is in place, that’s not unconditional at all. If our own inner dialogue is ridden with self-criticism and self-bashing, we parent (and conduct all our relationships) from that perspective.

And so, this would be one angle worth exploring: How do I feel vis-àvis myself? You say you’ve been relatively slender, so you might not know how you’d speak to yourself had you been your daughter’s size. But think about an area in your own life where you feel you’re lacking. Ask yourself, “What kind of messages am I feeding myself? Do I know what it means to pat myself on the back? Do I know how to differentiate my pure essence from the areas in my life that need improvement? Do I feel deserving of unconditional love, or must ‘I love you’ always be followed by because, or only if…?” How do you feel when someone compliments or treats you? Can you accept it graciously, or is it hard for you to believe that yes, you deserve it?

If you do this self-inspection and realize that you have a hard time loving yourself unconditionally, the most powerful way to channel this difficulty is toward your relationship with Hashem—our quintessential Parent who showers us with unconditional love. Talk to Him about how hard it is for you to even understand the concept of unconditional love, how doubtful you are about it, and how strong your desire is to feel and exhibit it.

Another angle for introspection, specifically because you’re finding it hard to accept your daughter’s size, is how weight has become associated with self-value for you. As you honestly point out, it’s not only that you’re concerned with your daughter’s social standing or her own uncomfortable feelings. It’s also about what having a daughter at this size brings up for you. You say you’re relatively slender, but what would happen if you were your daughter’s size? Our children are our mirrors. When we see them, we see ourselves in them (which is why the parent-child relationship is of the most triggering ones). What kind of emotions surface for you that make you uncomfortable for you to accept your child as she is? The answer might be failure, disappointment, inadequacy, rejection, shame, or even disgust. Do you associate someone at this size with untoward adjectives? Have you perceived that size is an indicator of value? There may also be the angle of your feelings as the parent here, perhaps feeling like a failure for having a child who looks a certain way or engages in behaviors you’ve deemed negative.

When you recognize the emotion(s) your daughter’s size brings up for you, know that, as the Piaseczner Rebbe teaches, these emotions that lie dormant within. They’re not new. In other words, many (all!) of us carry around unpleasant feelings like loneliness, failure, rejection, and powerlessness. It’s simply a particular dynamic that brings the unpleasant feeling to the fore, and exactly for this reason: so we can grow from facing it.

So, for example, let’s say you’re watching your daughter munch on a bar of chocolate, and you want to do the work of being a more loving, accepting mother, here’s what you can do.

You’ll notice something bubbling up inside of you, that inner storm coming to life. Until today, you may have chosen not to respond from this place—kudos to you—but you’ve started finding it very hard to keep resisting. That’s because there’s a limit to how long we can go controlling ourselves.

But, if you choose instead to face what comes up for you, to notice, “Oh, right now I’m feeling like a failure/disgusting/powerless [insert the feeling that comes up],” and to simply breathe into the emotion, to give it its space without escaping it (such as through anger or shaming)—in other words, to be there for yourself—you will find it within you to be there for your child with love.

Resisting our feelings blocks our heart, and it’s when we unblock it that we can uncover the fountain of unconditional love that flows within. The more we practice facing our emotions, as opposed to resisting them, the easier it is for us to exhibit this unconditional love that our children desperately need—that we can give them best.

You will notice that the more you take this particular challenge inward by noticing what is really coming up for you—not just pity on your child, for example, but also regarding your own sense of self—and giving yourself the space you need to allow those feelings to surface, the more nonchalant you will become about your daughter’s eating habits and subsequent size. That’s when you’ll start to see her more and more for the beautiful person she is, inside and out. And that’s when you and your daughter can be’ezras Hashem enjoy the special, precious relationship that is unique to a loving, healthy mother and her blossoming daughter.

And Now, For The Child

Since this is the Inner Parenting column, the bulk of my response has been focused on you, as the mother who wants to engage in inner work (kudos!), but here are some insights you may want to explore in order to help your daughter. Just because what mostly bothers you about your child’s appearance or eating habits is a direct result of emotions that may be difficult for you to face, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t address the place in you that is concerned for your child.

Of course, this happens most effectively once the first part of parenting is dealt with—your own inner work. Once that facet is underway (and it’s a work of a lifetime, always with new opportunities for growth cropping up), you can pay attention to what’s going on for your child without bringing your own unaddressed emotions into the picture.

When you do that, you may want to ask yourself: What may be driving my daughter to overeat? Food is meant to be a source of pleasure, but when it turns into a self-sabotaging behavior, we may want to look deeper to understand what lack food may be filling in her life. Another angle to explore is what kind of perceptions she may have about food that may be causing her to overeat. Often, a fear of scarcity, of “soon I won’t have this” is at the root. Other times, it’s a need to escape loneliness, sadness, or other emotions that may be difficult for an adolescent to process. Encouraging a child to engage in other pleasurable activities and to develop healthy, effective coping skills can go a long way in facilitating healthier eating patterns.

As counterintuitive as it seems, when we address what seems so far removed from the presenting issue but is really at its core, the presenting issue often gets resolved—on its own. A parent who chooses, for example, to put her daughter on a healthy eating plan, is taking an outside-in approach—that is usually futile. When a child (or anyone) follows a healthy diet either with the feeling of deprivation (she’s picking up the message that this is a “must”) or self-loathing (she’s picking up the message that her appearance is not okay), the outcome is shortterm weight loss, at best, and often grievous to the child’s sense of self. It’s when we take a step back as the parent and instead focus on fostering a more unconditionally loving relationship that the most positive outcomes become possible.

But Where’s the Place for Chinuch?

If every parenting interaction is only about me, the mother, where is the place for teaching my children critical values for life? For example, a mother like the questioner may want to speak to her child about the importance of making healthy choices. Where’s the place for that if it’s all about doing our own work as the parent?

There certainly is a place for active teaching in parenting, of open discussion where parents impart values. But—and here’s the big caveat—these conversations are only effective when they emanate from a place of love. If a parent is teaching from anger, frustration, guilt, or other negative emotions (code words for “I don’t want to feel what’s going on for me”), the messages she imparts will be ineffective at best and harmful at worst.

And while active teaching moments— when emanating from true concern and love for the child—are effective, the most effective transmission of values is through role modeling. In this case, it would be not only about making healthy choices regarding the foods we eat but, most importantly, about being the role model in treating ourselves and others with the love and respect they deserve. When a child perceives that her parent is forgiving of herself and others, when she isn’t afraid to feel what comes up for her, when she is able to be honest with her emotions and give them their space—and to turn to Hashem for His help in processing them—the child is learning the most important life lessons of all.

Where Has My Baby Gone?

The topic of this article is a recurring theme for many women I work with in the capacity as a counselor from a Torah perspective. So much of what we bring to the table as parents is a reflection of unaddressed emotions, and noticing what parenting experiences bring up for us is not only integral to our own growth process but is also at the cornerstone of a solid relationship with our children.

Often, when mothers notice that their child is changing, whether they’re exhibiting challenging behaviors or are simply becoming more independent, one sentiment they share is, “Where did my Baby go? I miss her!” When they describe the feeling behind the statement, they might say something like, “When she was a child, it was so easy for me to love her. It’s just not the same.” But as we do work together, these women start to realize that the love we feel to those lovable babies, those cherubic toddlers, even that mischievous preschooler, that’s not love at its core. Often, we only begin to exhibit true parental love particularly in moments when a child feels most unlovable—that’s when we have the opportunity to tap in to our fountain of unconditional love. To love a child who’s easy to accept, whose deeds and quirks and whole package deal we approve of—that’s not unique to the parent-child relationship, and that’s not the deep love we have the capacity to experience as parents. Of course, we ask not to be subjected to nisyonos, but if Hashem does send them our way, if we recognize the opportunity these moments are for us to tap in to our love fountain within—and we grab it, the connection both we and our child will feel is unmeasured.

May Hakadosh Baruch Hu grant us the wisdom to tap in to that fountain so we can emulate Him in our parenting and do our part in raising the next generation of klal Yisrael.

In addition to her work as a writer, teacher, and counselor, Shiffy Friedman is the founding director of LAHAV, an initiative that spreads awareness about the pathways to connection, contentment, and inner peace through Torah. To sign up to receive her messages on the topic, please write to info@lahavinitiative.org. To hear more about LAHAV, as well as demos from LAHAV classes, please call (646) 693-1700. To learn more about her upcoming seminar on emotional eating (on Monday, June 5, in Boro Park) please call 718-757-9329.

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