AnIncompetent’sGuideTo…Peckham ErinLake

Originally from Cambridge, via NorfolkandPeterborough, now settledin the suburban nest ofEaling, I am currently finishingmy final yearofpart-time MA at Westminster. Outside ofwritingandthinking about writingandbeinganxious about writingandweepingoverwriting, Ienjoy longwalks, attempts to watch TVonline, 19th-Century female - andsome male - novelists andchicken wraps. Special skill: being able to articulate in 61 words pretty comprehensively who Iam as a human woman.

Peckham,despitethoserumours,andthelookspeoplegivewhenyoumentionyouaremovingthere,isa pleasantdistrictintheSouth-EastofLondon.TheSouth,ingeneral,hasthereputationofaslightly embarrassingandviolentlyeccentricfamilymemberwhoyoustoppedsendingChristmascardstoyears ago.Bestjustavoided.ButburiedbeneathOldFatherThames’sUnderskirts,wheretraditionallyviceand variousdegreesoflicentiousnesshavebeenpermittedandencouragedthroughouttheyears,aremany delightsequaltothatinthehoityandsometimestoityvillagesoftheNorth.

ThispermissivenesswasnottheonlyreasonImovedtherein2011,andinfact,inthefewmonthsIstayed thereIfailedtodoanythingremotelyillegalorfrownedupon,orhadanythingofthatilkdonetome (asidefromgettingpick-pocketedinBrixton,butIadamantlydenythemiscreancythere,maintainingit wasanhonestmistakeandthesticky-fingeredrevellerassumedtheywererummagingintheirownpurse astheydancedtoWhitesnake.Easilydone).

OfoldtimesPeckhamwasafamedmarkettown,andstillretainsthattropeofyoungmenfloggingtheir fruitsandfishestothegoodpublic,eveniftheproducemaybeatadmoreexoticthanthedaysofyore. Thereareverylikelymoreyamsthaninthedaysofyore.Andprobablymore mooli -thatgiantwhite radishsofullofyummyFolate.

Vegetablesaside,arrivingatQueen’sRoadPeckham,youmightbeforgiven(dependingonthenatureof

theforgiver)forthinking,“gah,ImeanttogetoffatDulwich,yikes!”andswallowallyourvaluables.But no,fearnot(orless)andstayawhileinthenewhippostcodeofLondon.SE15comingatyou.Notwitha gun,necessarily.Infact,theonlyphallicshapedweaponyoumightgetassaultedwithisagoodold plantain.Andtheyareverytasty.

1. EatJerkChicken.AsidefromBigMama’sHouseinNorwich(lovelygrub,ratherindifferent staff.Tendednottohavecookedmuchofwhatwasonthemenu,butwereverychilledoutabout thefact)IneverreallyhadmuchofatasteoftheCaribbeanuntilmovingtoPeckham,where

Caribbeanflavoursarepartoftheculinarylandscape,andcanoftenbefoundandenjoyedunderan illuminatedneonpalmtree,orhiddeninthebellyadarkrailwayarch(makingitbothhardand ratherintimidatingtoenter,occasionallyleadingtoaswifthead-downshoeshufflepastand onwardstoIcelandfordinner).Patties,curriedgoat,oxtail(whatdoeshappentotherestoftheox? Thereisalotofoxtousethere.Theyareinfamouslybulky.Isallthetastinessallfocusedinthe tail?Rightatthetipoftheox?Andisthatthesamewithallanimals?Isthereawaggingto morishnessmathhere?)Butbestofall,youcangetagoodJerkChickenandPeas.Thefinestofall belongingtoFiveStarJerk,theplacethatpridesitselfonitsjerkiness.Fullmarksfortheirjerk.I loveagoodjerk.Icouldgoon.Iwon’t.

The High Street andthe Palais –scorch marks andshatteredglass not photoshoppedout. Looking good!

2. GotothecheapestcinemainLondon.£4.99! Youcan’tgetathawedfrankfurterinaseedybap

pricings.Istillfeelthatifyousellfoodoutofavan,youshouldexpectaninitialprice-handicap, howeverdarnedfusionitmaybe.Falafel,fromamobileshack,byabench,andamanpretending tobeinacat-basket,shouldnotbe£6.50.I'msorry.)TheentranceofthePeckhamplexlookslikea clipfromDawn ofThe Dead: litter,vegetableskinsandclumpsofhairfromthebarber-shops blowingintheabandoned,battered-lookingwalkuptotheglassdoorsthatclosebehindyoulike

anominousautomatedsentencing. Butonceyouareinside,andgetthatwhiffofcornpoppingand hearthefaintsoundsoftheDigitalCinemaMediaindentwhooshingthroughyouranticipating eardrums,youaresweptalongwiththemagicofthemovies.Evenifyouaretheonlyonethereat threeo’clockintheafternoon.Perfectmovie-goinghour,aslongasyouaren’tafraidofTHE DARK.Andthatpersonwhofollowedyouin,inthehoodie,afewrowsback.Atleast,you thoughttheywereafewrowsback,butnowtheyseemtobebehindyou,theirnachobreathon yourneck,sayingsomethingalongthelinesof“givemeyourmoney”or“isthatsalted?”

3. Tryouttherichesthotchocolateintheuniverse: Melange,achocolatelover’sdream,andthe poorchocolatelover’s nightmare.Gourmetcocoagoods,createdbyaprofessionalchocolatier,a

realFrenchone,deckingoutthispetitelittlestore.Theyevenhavechocolatemakingclasses,for thosewhodon’tjustwanttobuytheirTobleronesfromthe99pStore,imaginethey'reintheAlps, andbedone.Forthosewhocravesomethingabitrarer,youcangoinandhaveasampleoftheir widerangeofeclecticandcuriousflavours: raspberryandlime,vanillaandcumin,mosswithasp venom.Quirkystuff.Delicious,anddeadlygood.Thathotchocolatereallydidalmostkillme,and I’veeatenawholeyardofJaffaCakesinoneday.Verytruestory.Also,greatforChristmas prezzies,evenifyoudofindthechilliandtalcumpowderslabyougaveyourfatherinhis cupboardayearlater.Yougetoverit.Andeatitinrevenge.

4.

RoamBellendenRoadandmakeBell-Endjokesaboutthehipsters.Itkeptmeamusedfora

while.AndthenIwantedtojointhem.Hip-notised,Iwantedthemtoplacealittlewoollenhaton

myhead,crownmewithapairofnon-prescribed,blackrimmedglasses,squeezemeintoapairof

funkycolouredjeanswithashoe-horn,drapemeinanoversizedvintagecoat,andletmedrinkan

alternativeteawiththem. Itneverhappened,sadly.Ileftthemtotheirlittlemootsbeneaththe

awningswithnoname.(Tipaboutthisroad,itisnotalwaysclearwhattheshopsareabout,as

therearefewsigns,orindications,butmanytablesoutsidewhereyouthfulFleetfoxdoppelgängers

loiteranddrinkteainmismatchedchinacups).Also,diveintooneofthebestlittleindependent

5. GototheBusseyBuilding,lookuncomfortable,andthenleaveforCottageChicken.The BusseyBuildingisanoldcricket-batfactory.Thekindofplacethatasyougobyonthetrainyou

wouldimagineanoldpersoninapubsayingtoyou“youdon’twanttobegoinginthere,lass, therebeghostsinthere,ghostsofcricket-bat-makerspast,arrr”.Forsomereasontheperson tellingyouthisisfromBristolandtheydon’thavemanyoftheirteethleft.Idon’tknowwhy.But thenalltheothermorereliableindicatorsaretellingyoutogothere.Sowhomdoyoutrust?Those sources,orthatparanoidfishermaninyourRam’sHead?Well,youendupgoingwiththemajority andattendinganoddeveningofwhalishoperabasedaroundtheemotionalpress-blitzed relationshipbetweenBritneySpearsandJustinTimberlake,ofcoursecalledTimberbrit (Timbershit).Thismightnotalwayshappen,andyouwon’talwaysleavefeelingyouhave participatedinachillingexperimentbetweenMilgramandtheAtonalAcapellaSoc.Thereis dancingspace,butit’s,like,ametaphorfordancingspace,it’sbasically,justaspace.Themajority

ofpeoplewillstand,clutchingbottledbeers,andoccasionallynodaslightlypermedhead(there hasbeensteadymigrationofcurly-hairedboysintop-buttonedshirtsfromShoreditch,according tolatestHomeofficestats).Beingweigheddownbyunfortunatecardiganandbackpackof volumes,Iunderstanddance-amnesty,butnotthetoocooltoflexattitudeofthehipster.Godance intheirfaces,people,leaveyourcardigansandSeventeenth-Centurydiscoursesonlibertyat home! Nexttime,Ibebold,andboogie.

Alternatively,youcangototheBussey-stopforabitofdrama,astheyalsodoTHEATREatthe Bussey.IsawaverygoodproductionofTheVaginaMonologues,whichactually,wasnotaJim Hensonpuppetshowofnatteringvaginas,butwomentalkingabouttheirvaginaslotsandother

womenlaughinginresponsegoing“yes,yes,Iunderstandthat.Ihaveavagina”andmengoing “yes,Iunderstand,becauseIamintouchwiththesoulofwomenandIunderstandwhatitmight meantohaveavagina,eventhoughIammostlyscaredrightnowandwanttoprotectmygenitalia withmyhands.”

6. GotoPeckhamRyePark.Ahistoricalpark,whereBlakeoncesawanangelinatree. Iwentto gofindthistree,andaskedvariouspeoplewherethistreewas,andeitherIwaslookingatthe

wrongtreeortheangelhaduppedandgone-duetosomecouncilproblemorcomplaintsfrom neighbouringnesters-butIdidnothavethesameseraphicencounterasourpropheticpoetofthe RomanticAge.ThatmaybebecauseIdon’tbelieveinangels,wasnotonthesamedosageasWill, orwassimplydistractedbytheprospectofthosemuffinsinthecafé(themainobstaclebetween meandenlightenment),butitbecamecleartomethatthereligiousqualityofmyrambleinthe

parkwasnotofthesamecalibreasthegreatcrazyrhymerofLondon.Ididseesomecootsthough andIthoughttheywereboot…iful.Goodenoughtoshoot.Ormakeintoaboot,andloot,fora hoot,the…yep,willworkontheversifying,anddivinesusceptibility.

7. Trythediningspaces.Ifyouwanttobypassthevariousfriedchickenhutsandjerk-houses,with condimentsinjarsnotsachets,andatmospherelightingandminusthesmallworryofwhythereis bullet-proofglassbetweenyourselfandtheserver,thereareafewoptionsforsuchnit-pickers. In nodiscerningorder,thereis: Ganapatirestaurant.Yes,thelackofIndianstaffandprofusionof nicewhiteyouthswithdreadlocksornoseringsmightnothollerauthenticity.Butthenyouget pasttheiffysuspicionthatyou’reinagap-yahenterpriseandtrythefoodanditisdarnedgood,

andyougetlessuppityaboutitnotfeeling“real”(likeyou’vebeentoDelhiandcancompare.). Elsewhere,theGowlettdoestrulyscrumptiouspizzas,withsuchdelightfultoppingsasfennel,and thinItalianmeats,whichwhennotaccompaniedwithstuffedcrustandplasticpotsofdip,read YUMMY+CLASSinmybooks.Ifyouwantsomethingmoreslap-up,andImightmeanthatina numberofways,tryJenny’sDinerbythestation,whereyoucangetacookedbrekkie,cupoftea, andacatchupwithTheSunforunderafiver.Bishbashbosh,asIliketosay,beforeIturntopage threeandblush,likealittleschoolgirl. ExtraspecialmentiontoM.Manze’sEelandPieShop,the bestEelandPieHouseIhaveeverbeentoo! IthadthestatusthroughoutmystayinPeckhamas being“thatweirdEelandPiehousethatwasneveropen.Seriously,whendoesthisplacedotrade? Aretheresecretlawsregardingthetransactionsofeelandpie?Theseopeningtimesmakeno

sense!”,butthenoneday,thereitwas,opendoors,welcomingactualcustomintoitsgravy-stained bosom,declaring,“eelisactuallyabitscarceatthispointsomaybelayofftheeelfornowandjust haveanicebitofpie,eh?”whichIdid,feastingontwodollopsoffinestodgymash,agenerous meat-packedpastry-potofpie,andasmalljugofgravyandliquor,washeddownwithagood builder’sbrew.Ifeltlikearealpearlyqueen.

Life OfPie AndEel, where a youngwoman is shipwreckedin Peckham with only some mashedpotato, anda tigerrugfrom Wandsworth.

8. Loot! Justkidding.ThereisactuallyashopcalledLoot,whichIthinksurvivedtheriots unharmed,despitetheobviousrallyingcall.Elsewhereonthehighstreetyoucangotoallkindsof styleemporiums,wheretheyareforeverinasale,orclosingdownstateof“TAKENOW,50% off! NO,NOW70%! WEREALLYAREGOINGSOON….90%OFF,COMEON,WEHAVE TOVACATETHEPREMISESBEFORETHENEWSUPERDRUGARRIVES!”Youcanfind

everythingyouneedinthisstreetoflimited-funding-baseddreams,barelyrequiringmoneythat folds(whichishandywhenyouarebasicallysubstitutingyourdebitcardwithatinofcoppersyou nowcarryatthebottomofyourdiscounttotebag)Asafashion-consciouswomanoftheworld,it waseverarelieftoknowthatshouldIhaveanensemblemishap,like,say,theoreticallywearing blackwool,lotsofblackwool,inmid-July,Icouldfindanalternativelook,onbudget,infive mins. Thatlookmayhavebeenstudded-shoulder-padcroppedcardiandpatternedpinkleggings, butsomehowitjust worked,andIfelt swish.

Ifyoudon’tfancytheindependentbranchesofstyle,thereisalwaystheforeverbuzzingPrimark, whereyoucansupplyallyourbedroomfurnishingsfrom,andkeepyouinconstantsupplyofcute

forthemantocutyourkeys,orphotocopyyourCurriculumVitae,youcanperusethestockofthe tinyalcovesentrenchedintheverywalls,browsingtheNigerianDVDsandwonderingwhatyou wouldfindifyouunlockedyourmobilephone,andtryonthosecottonandpleatherleggingsthat willsaveyoufromawinterofskirteddiscontent(IrealisedsometimeinAugustthatIownedno trousers,andmaybethiswastheyearIshouldcommittosomeleg-gloves.See,Ievenforgotwhat

theywerecalled.Pin-swaddlers?Stalk-sheaths?Denimpantaloons?)AfterthisdiscoveryI avowed,thateverywoman,mustownatsomepointapairofPeckhamPants(artificialbuttocks, despitewhatthelovelysaleswomansays,arenotentirelycompulsory.Ifyoudonothavethe naturalbooty,neverfear,additionalpaddingonlyrequisitewhenattendingextremesportsdaysor musicalbumpclasses).

9. Gocheckouttherailwayarches.Inthegreatnewfashionofrecoveringderelictindustrialspaces andturningthemintobohemianconclaves,gosussoutwhatisunderneathyourlocalalcove! In Peckhamtheyhaveutilisedthisroomforartisticanddrinkingpurposes,alwaysagooddouble-act, formostartmakesmoresensewhilstatriflepissedanyhow.BarStoryhastheadvantageofbeing

arenownedcocktailprovider,andpromotingthecreationsoflocalartstudents. So,youcango chilloutofanevewithfriends,haveapizza,drinkaCosmoortwo,andthenbuyanicehandmade notebookmadefromrecyclednapkins,oralovinglymadeoneoffimpalasaltshaker.Itmakes commercialsense,atthetime,whileyouaredrunk("£35,andthiscrockerywind-chimeismine forever! Icaneatsoupandhearthemusicofthebreezeatthesametime")butmightmakeless sense,whenyouwakeup,andfindasetofpapyrusHummingbird-themednoteletsanda handwrittenreceipt.

10.GowatchafilmatTheMontpelier.TheMontpelier,not,sneakily,onMontpelierroad,buton

anotherroad,notcalledMontpelier,isanicemodernpubwhereasidefromhavingtheprefix Gastrotoitsname,andthelargestchipsinthewords(basicallypotatoes,fromthefield,putina bowlwithmayo)alsohasalittlebackroomcinema.Bestideaevermaybe?Whatarethreeofthe bestthingsintheworld?Beer,chips,andobscuremovies.Theyshowadiverserangeofrecent filmsthatwerenotwidelyseenuponinitialrelease,includingdocumentariesandforeignflicks thatneverentirelytranslatedtomainstreamvenues.Itislikeacinema,butwithdraughts,less comfyseats,ninetyminutesofart-housefunwithnoobviousinterferencefromproducers demandinglessclothingandmorerobot-oildousedcleavage,andnopeoplethrusting3Dglasses

atyou(whichyoucanneverseethroughanywaybecauseyoureyesareslightlywonky).Youcan catchuponyourcine-history,weeklyunits,giantchipbingingand“eveningsspentoutofthe house”quotaallinone.Peckham,Isaluteyou.