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Vol. 12, No. 3. April 1 1996 ~
Townsend Harris High School at Queens College
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149-11 Melbourne Avenue. Flushing, NY 11367
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Editors: Veronica Lee, Tara Balabushka, Beth Citron, George Motakis, Michael Munoz, Natalka Palczynski
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Writers: Demetrios Bertzikis, Alex Blunt, Joe Gerbasi, Amy Kommatas, Natalka Palqynski, Hope Villella, Erika Zwetkow
Artists: George Motakis, Dawn Byrne, Amy Kommatas, Rachel Sperling
Photography and Lay-out: Erika Zwetkow, Veronica Lee, Beth Citron, Natalka · Palczynski, Hope Villella
Advisor: lisa Cowen Principal: Dr. Malcolm Largmann
AN EARLY START: Transporting their sleeping bags and other gear on a book cart , Natalka Pallcanski, Katie Ruby, Kristin Cantdance and Vicki Realcuteo head for their lockers at 7:41 A.M .
Seven sophomore girls Sl~ eep in principal•s o·ffice II
by Natalka Palczynski Seven sophomore girls · admitted to spending the night in the building last Wednesday, saying that since they are here more than eight hours per day, they might as well save travel time. When Principal Meekom Largeboy arrived early Thursday morning, he found sleeping ba~ on his plush carpet and immediately called for an investigation. Meanwhile, Miranda Kix, Dean, found the seven girls at their lockers at 7:43 and grew suspicious. "After issuing seven demerits, I sent the girls to see Dr. Largeboy. I felt he should take care of the situation from th-e re,'' she said. "One of the girls, Jeannemarie Tendtheshop, broke down in tears even . before she entered my office," Dr. Large boy said. "She blurted out:'We did it! We left the sleeping bags in your office! We couldn't handle the pressure! Going home was just too much!.'" The others, Vicki Realcuteo, Kristin · Cantdance, Katie Ruby, Erika Sweetycow, Natalka Pallcanski, and Kim Parrot followed Jeannemarie's hysteria with a full explanation. Vicki started by saying,"We stayed in the broadcasting/ recording studio in 511 when they were closing up so that they wouldn't hear us. Erika was smart
enough to realize that the room is soundproof so that I wouldn't give us away . We danced and sang and played around till about 6 P.M. When we knew for sure that everyone had left the building, we started our collaterals on the Macs."
somewhere. I made sure we were extra careful and left everything the way it was," Kim said. "My ·favorite part was the midnight bonfire in the chemistry lab," said Natalka. "Jeannemarie brought marshmallows and we roasted them on the Bunsen burner. When the fire alarm mm• . m "~ . mrm · . m . ... m] went off, we weren't that surprised, but it took us forever to figure out how to shut it off. Sorry about the disrupted bell schedule, Mr. Bossman." · "We finally went to sleep around 2 A.M. We figured we'd go to bed early so that we wouldn't be too tired the next mo.rning, " Vicki said. "We took a shower in the girls' +ocker rooms and that's the entirety of our story," Kate finished . Though he emphasized that he does not condone the girls' violation of "It was a blast," said Kristin . "Not only current school rules, Dr. Largeboy admitted he liked the idea of having the did we finish our homework early, but we had enough time to explore all those building utilized 24 hours a day . He is now considering installing folding cots unknown rooms. This was the first time in the Townsend Harris building. "I took we didn't have any limitations." "Yeah, we went onto the catwalk in back the girls' demerits. I just wish they had approved it with me first. They will the auditorium and put on the first school's production. We didn't draw · be cleaning the bathroom next week for being at their lockers without much of a crowd! Grease was acted in two parts with the intermission too," supervision, though," Dr. Largeboy said. He must get the approval of the Kate said. Board of Education before any sleeping "I was scared that there would be a arrangements are made. custodian lurking in the hallway
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'My favorite part was the midnight _ bonfire In the chemistry lab'
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'2 Frauaulent elevator.pas·ses foo.l autho~ities for months lheCiassK:
April 1, 1996
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by Alex Blunt
"This pass entitles the bearer to full access to the elevators at Townsend Harris High School; signed, Dr. Meekom Largeboy." Wouldn't it be great if each student could proudly hold a small, white piece of paper with the above words printed qn it? Wouldn't it be so convenient if everyone could easily glide up and down Townsend Harris and walk tirelessly to their next class, having only the one burden of having to walk down the long hallways? Sure, everyone can dream, but considering how unrealistic this idea sounds, Townsend students have pretty much stopped entertaining such a radical notion. Except for some. Extensive chemical analysis proved the elevator passes of two male juniors and one male freshman to be counterfeit last Tuesday. The phony passes were taken to room B37 . t h e Townsend Harris crime lab located in the subbasement) after Dean Miranda Kix apprehended the three, ending what the administration later found out to be a two-month period in which these students were riding the elevators illegally. All three students were caught exiting one of.the elevators on the second floor by Kix, who examined and confiscated their passes; telling the~ they "will be returned after
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closer investigation." Apparently, Kix was "very suspicious" -Df seeing the same boys every day on the elevator and thought she should verify their passes. The administration was dumbfounded by the hoax. Part of the $80 million expense of the .new building went towards creating the "Authentic Townsend Harris Elevator Pass," ingrained with a rare element: Before this incident, it was thought to be almost impossible to duplicate a pass or for one to be made to look enough like the real one to fool Stix for months. Two of the three students wanted to remain anonymous and refused to be
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interviewed, but one of the juniors, E.Z. Glide, was willing to enlighten the student body on the matter. "For about two months, my friends and I were using the elevators illegally," said Glide. "Our passes looked so real, nobody questioned us.
o o common," commented ~!1.~., Kix. Apparently, a scandal involving the forging of elevator passes is running rampant throughout the nation arid even the world at large. Authorities on the topic have appropriately called it the "Elevator Black Market." By means of a factory in Brazil, run by Y Climb, Inc., thousands of fake elevator passes (and some escalator) are being disseminated throughout the world to thousands of stairwellphobic high school students who
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Glide also commented that he considers the punishment "overboard." He and his accomplices will serve a threeweek suspension, receive eight referrals, be excluded frotn all extra-curricular activities for the rest of their high school careers, be programmed every term for gym followed by a class on the sixth floor, and give Townsend Harris full rights to each of their first born. Although the criminals were caught, an even more unsettling thing still bothers Largeboy and Kix: how the three perpetrators got hold of these ingeniously replicated passes. "After we investigated the situation with the help of the New York Police Department, we discovered that the way the perpetrators w e n t a b o ut getting t h e m [ t h e passes] s ,
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are willing to pay $150 for one pass.
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'You know, it's amazing what you can find on the ·Internet these days!' "If you have money on your side, you can hop.on the ride," said Glide. . A recent investigation has shown that Y .Climb has mob ties with members of school construction c<;>mpanies, who deal directly with school administrations and easily obtain elevator passes for replication from high schools around the world. When asked how Glide and his friends learned of Y Climb, . Glide grinned and replied, "You know, it's amazing what you can find on the Internet these days!" No one from Y Climb, Inc. was willing to talk to The Classic, but one expert on the topic, Harvey Walker, from the Institute for the Advancement of . Cruelty to Adolescents (IACA),called the "Elevator Black Market" a "frightening reality." "Obviously, Y Climb makes most of its profit from students attending technologically advanced high schools with
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more than four tloors. When I heard about Townsend Harris moving into their new building last year, I was a little concerned about the market hitting it, but I never expected it so soon! Something must be done to stop this terrible epidemic," Walker added. It is reported that Y Climb, Inc. is running such a profitable business that it will soon open up two more factories in Bern, Switzerland and Beijing, China. As long as schools are being built with more than two floors, it doesn't look like the world will see an end to this black market. In a conference with city officials, experts from IACA, and principals of other schools across the nation held in Townsend Harris a week ago, Dr. Largeboy proclaimed, "The world cannot stand for this! Not a minute more should go by while a student, somewhere, is illicitly enjoying conveniences in school while all law-abiding students are sweating just to get to their next class (as well they should)! I only pray that one day in the near future, there will be an end to this unnecessary easiness and once again all students, in Townsend Harris and abroad, will use the stairs. What a great weight would be lifted off my heart if I just had the sa~isfaction of knowing not one student on earth was patronizing Y Climb Incorporated!"
Short freshmen responsible For city-wide school closing by Demetrios Bertzikis Believe it or not, the unusual shortness of the Townsend Harris freshman class resulted in the first city-wide public school closing in I8 years. So says Joan_ Schzimmer of the Board of Education who revealed Harris' latest claim to fame at a press conference March 21. After the memorable Blizzard of 1996 (January 7-8); the city was covered by a blanket of nearly two feet of snow. Nevertheless, according to Schzimmer, the New York City Mayor Rudolf Jewelry and school chancellor Rudy Reindeer initially decided to keep public schools open. That's when Townsend Harris parents took matters into their own hands. The freshman class of Townsend Harris is the shortest amongst those of all other New . York City high schools . According to Townsend Harris' Health Department, the average freshman stands only five feet tall. "The 24.5" o{ snow on the ground after the blizzard left the short freshmen bewildered," said Anita Doughnut, a police officer
on Kissena Boulevard. "Some of those Harris kids actually tried to make the trip to school anyway, just to make sure it was really was closed. I had to haul out a couple of little guys from the snow after they tripped and fell. It seems the weight of their bookbags had just dragged them deeper and deeper," she added. The parents of the Townsend Harris freshmen and others with "vertically challenged" children frantically called their respective schools to lobby for an official closure of all schools so that their children wouldn't have to suffer the trip to school, or ruin their perfect attendance records. The bombardment of phone calls to the schools led to the ·mayor's decision to close public schools on January 8 and 9. When asked by The Classic to explain. his reasons for closing 'the schools, the mayor simply answered, "The Townsend Harris freshmen, of course." Chancellor Reindeer gave a si!J1ilar response. "The safety of the students is our main concern. The mayor and I felt it was necessary to close the schools to ensure the well-being of our smaller students,"' he said.
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Future Harrisites hatChing behind 6th floor secret door by Hope Villella Did you ever wonder what's behind the big solid door in the shadows next to the chemistry lab? Just another closet, most people think, but there is a secret lurking behind that door, a secret that has the potential to bring great success to Townsend Harris. In the dark dreary room, there is a nesting farm where Principal Meekom Largeboy is secretly . growing the Townsend Harris class of 2000. The process all began last year, when Dr. Largeboy decided that he would need a new crop of genius students for the coming school year. Last year, as the ·time of the move to the new building on Melbourne Avenue grew near, Superintendent of Queens Schools Margie Paddington informed Dr. Largboy that he would have to accept I 00 extra students in the coming year, due to the greater capacity of the new
building. In despair because of the already few New York City students who fit all of the criteria to be Townsend Harris students, Dr. Largeboy decided to take matters into his own hands. He called an emergency staff meeting, keeping all members locked in his office until they could come up with a creative and well-thought-out solution. Finally, at 3 A.M., Cherry Garcia, chemistry teacher, shouted, "Eureka!" and quickly explained her plan to the staff. It involved the Westinghouse project of school genius Rhina Stein. Dr. Largeboy called for a vote on the idea which the staff unanimously endorsed. In the morning, Dr. Largeboy called Rhina out of her advanced astrobiophysics class to beg for her help. Her research for the Westinghouse competition had brought her to a point of creating a new advanced species of humans, which Dr. Largeboy
hoped to make into Townsend Harrisites. This new species would be intelligent, yet subservient; totally programmable humans. Rhina agreed to attempt her procedure. She was put in charge of the project with Ms. Garcia as her advisor. Every day they would take turns before school, during lunch, and at. the end of the day turning the eggs so that the light would allow their skin tone to be even. The eggs, which were very soft, were also to be injected twice a day with special "brain food" made of pureed fish scales. This special laboratory was to be set up in the science department of the new building upon moving in January so that the six-month process could begin. ToDr.Largeboy'sdismay,the . postponement bf moving day also meant postponement of the Harrisite growing process. The electricity would not be turned on until moving day, so the
breeding incubators could not be turned on. The six-month process would have to be somehow shortened to three. Apparently, the skin cells, which were retrieved after biology classes looked at them under the microscopes, can be combined and grown into eggs. This can only happen in a very specialized environment, and <;ould not be done in the small space of the old building, so there was no choice but to wait. When· April arrived, Dr. Large boy decided to proceed with his plan. In June, the eggs were hatched and . sent to carefully chosen foster homes for the summer. In these homes, the hatchlings grew the human equivalent of seven years in one month, making them grow to the human age of 14 by the summer's end. The experiment did WQrk, but the.growth process . was unable to be completed and most of the hatchlings turned out
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by Erika Zwetkow It starts out as an ordinary day in Miranda Kix's gym class. You are expected to finish 20 stair-trips in ten minutes. Can you do it? You trudge up the stairs of the already worn-out bleachers, where many other Harris students have gone before. Your knees ache, your back breaks, and then suddenly, and miraculously, you find yourself running and sprinting up those stairs with a strong desire to finish every single one of those stair trips. Skipping two steps •at a time, you leap up those gray cement mountains; you find it's the only way to relieve the pain. After class finishes, you hop into your clothes and sprint up what are usually five treacherous flights of stairs, yet now they welcome you as you make it up to the sixth floor with a 35-lb. bookbag and a smile. If you have fourid yourself in a situation like this, you may be suffering from a new- found, widelyspreading disorder, only experienced by Townsend Harris students, called STAIROSIS. If you take joy in running up stairs, or if running up more stairs is the only way to quell your incredible back and knee pains which originated from the uphill climb you face every day just to get to your
locker, consider yourself a victim of this illness. Since no cure or treatment has been developed to relieve the pain these students are suffering, they must ·continue running up the steps whenever they have a chance. Sophomore Vicki Realcuteo said, "Six floors just are11't enough." Other students with the disorder agree with her. Parents and students are holding talks with the school and its
contractor to persuade them to add an additional three floors to the building. which is already six stories high. However, due to planes constantly flying over the building, the school can't exceed its current height without · violating standards set by the nearby airports. Also, if the school were even one more story, Board of Education rules would mandate that escalators be installed and t~at is exactly what students with Stairosis don't want.
For every seven flights of stairs they run up, their pain will diminish for ten minutes, but for every seven flights of stairs they run down, the pain will only be alleviated for two minutes. This poses a grave question: how can . students learn in these conditions, and what will happen if more students acquire this severe disease? · Negotiatiqns are still being held between parents seeking a waiver from airport rules, the Board of. Education, and the Airport Authority. "We will · file · lawsuits and sue the school if they can't fulfill our children's needs," . threatened Linder . Marroll, parent of Random Marroll. "They're in pain , can't you see? Do ·it for the children!" she said. ·If the school can't build up, it has vowed to fill the smaller part of the gym arid the far ends of the hallways with Stairmaster exercise machines. so students can alleviate their pain, and other students that don't have Stairosis · can exercise. This solution is being strongly supported by the Physical Education Department. Principal Meekom Largeboy concluded the weekly faculty meeting last Monday by saying, "However we end up resolving this situation, we can be assured that Townsend Harris students will stand o,ut among the crowd ... at least their legs will."
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small and puny. "Not to worry," said Dr. Largeboy, '~Ms. Kix will whip them into shape." Dr. Largeboy has chosen to make a second attempt at the process for next year's incoming class. It will once again be conducted by Rhina Stein and Ms. Garcia, though a few carefully handpicked students may be chosen to learn how to breed new Harrisites, so the process can continue even after Rhina, who is now a senior, graduates. It is the hope of the whole staff that since the breeding has begun early this year, the freshmen next year will be regular size, and able to bring Townsend Harris to new heights of achievement. Dr. Largeboy says of his newest batch, "We won't simply demand excellence, we' II expect it." He went on to say that "if they're lemons, then we'll just make lemonade out of them."
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The Classic
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G,e nder switch leads to boys• first win by Amy Kommatas It seemed too good to be true: the Boys' Varsity Soccer team finally won a game, its first in seven years, with a victory against John Browne High School on March 27. Shock and amazement crossed the faces of the opposing team when the Hawks were proclaimed victorious with a score of 9-0. However, , this was not the fairytale finish for Harris that it seemed to be. 'T he boys' win relied on a littie help from their friends. After a nonleague game against John Browne High School, charges were filed against the Hawks. The PSAL claims the Hawks started players who were not on the team roster. The team was immediately suspended pendirig a further investigation. The investigation led' to the
discovery that it was in fact the Girls' Varsity Soccer team on
games, so we figured why not?" explained junior Jennifer Mello.
the field that fateful day. According to insiders, after much begging by the boys' team, the girls agreed to dress up as boys to achieve the win. "We had some spare time in between our championship
A sophomore snitch told The Classic that the plan was hatched while travelling by van to the field. "After they let us play a few rounds of Hangman, we felt we owed it to them," junior Ani
Ayedan said. "One would think , with two teams in the van, it. was a tight squeeze, but being that the van is so spacious and state of the art, we , managed f i n e , :· senior B e r r y Gress a said. After arriving at the field, the girls quickly changed into the b 0 y s ' crimson and gold jersies. The girls- .also splashed mud on themselves to add to t h e disguise·. Girls' coach Beef Manson covered his eyes with his hands so as not to be a witness to the crime. Junior Adrienne Saycheese and sister Annie Saycheese scored two goals apiece. The
other five goals were scored by the Hawks' defense, along with Manson, who joined in during the second half. Manson was tossed a jersey and was substituted into the game. . "Most people think I can only do karate, but I teach my girls to be versatile and compete in all sports and I practice what I preach," Manson said. "Did I mention they have less than 2% body fat?" The PSAL at first only had hearsay evidence of · the substitutions, but on March 30, concrete facts emerged. The PSAL obtained a taped confession by boys' team member Arista Soupros. The game's referees were baffled when the charges were filed. "I never realized it wasn't the boys' team," referee lam Blind said. "They looked a little taller to me," referee Gee Whiz stated, "and there was a kid out there that went by the name of 'Beef' that looked a bit suspicious." Boys' Coach James Curry denies all charges of wrongdoing. He has filed a counter lawsuit against the PSAL, charging defamation of character. ''I'm innocent. This is all an evil plot to take away the boys' rightful win. The girls-err-boys played an excellent game," Curry said.
Football team to raise school spirit on graph paper. Here's a play don't have much of a defensive by Joe Gerbasi Get ready to really kick off the where the two wide receivers line, but my scrambling ability new . school year next run a cosine curve of y= September as the Townsend 4cos3x." Harris Humariitarians, named Assisting Mr. Rattieni will be by Principal Meekom Largeboy social studies teacher Paul himself, will take the field and . Stressed and chemistry teacher become the first ever Townsend Adel · Kadburyeggs . Mr. Harris football team. Last week, Stressed, who will be , the · in an attempt to raise school defensive coordinator f.or the spirit, Dr. Largeboy convince<;! team, said, "I have already the PSAL to grant Townsend made a map of the field and Harris a football team. "I have built my plays around my sincerely hope that the pep defensive line. I like to call them rallies, marching bands, and the iron curtain." Mr. cheer leading squads help to Kadburyeggs, the offensive boost our school spirit," said Dr. coordinator, simply said, . Large boy after his request had "Bomb, bomb, bomb, every play bomb, man-that's Mr. been approved. Originally boys' basketball, K's favorite play!" Mr. cross-country track and girls' Kadburyeggs will also coach soccer coach Beef Manson was ·the cheerleading squad, which · benefit from . his chosen to be head coach, but will students near him such as junior exceptional break dancing Alex Perez said that when Mr. ability. Cheerleading try-outs Manson was asked, he laughed are scheduled for May 18. Football try-outs started last so 'hard he pulled a stomach muscle. So Hurley Rattieni, the Friday, and according to Mr. Physical Education Assistant Rattieni, the team's main should make up for that; Principal, will be head coach strength will lie in sophomore besides, with lightning quick when training begins this quarterback Ross Muken. When receivers like Ravi the Rocket month. asked to predict his stats for the Balani, I'd say that I should "I've already drawn up my upcoming season, Ross - or throw about 35 touchdowns, play book," said Mr. Rattieni. "Big Papa," as he likes to be 4,000 yards, and around two, "It's unique in that it's drawn . called, said, "I realize that I maybethree interceptions."
Recently, English teacher Jelly Biener organized a hostile
resolved as Mr. Rattieni responded, "I have no
protest with the aid of the objections to girls trying out." women's issues club, Mr. Rattieni later added, in Shakespeare's Sisters, which - keeping with his equal she runs, when they denounced opportunity policy, "If we can the team for not allowing girls find a skirt big enough, Ross to try out. will also double . as head The conflict was quickly cheerleader."