The Classic newspaper Volume 15 Issue no. 3

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aNsApsic Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

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149-11 Melbourne Avenue. Flushing, NY 11367

Sinking building to go Titanic in 2030

lj:ditors: AlanFu, Andrew Goldberg, Christina Lesica, Annette Orzechowski. Bosede Adenekan, Rebecca Munoz, Rachel Nobel, Lauren Paley

By Danielle Lord Construction Company of 1313 A routine follow-up inspection Old Swamp Road. The contracof the burst pipes in the basement tor could not be reached for comleft students and faculty speech- ment. "Wait a minute," sopholess last week when it was re- more Izza Braine remarked. "I . · vealed that Townsend Harris High always wondered why the floors School is sinking. are numbered so weird - the "Sinking? You mean like the Titanic?" one anxious student, freshman Aggie Tate, asked directly after the announcement i·" made. ~ ~.\._:., i was"Sort of," answered Board of Education inspector Sue Prise. t ~l : !'" "We discovered a serious problem ~~ : ~~< with the building's foundation," she explained. "It seems very unstable. Whenever it rains, the water combines with the soil under the building, resulting in a unique mud composition, rather like quicksand." According to inspectors, since its construction, the Townsend Harris building is estimated to have sunk nearly eight feet. Students and teachers have been ask- whole first floor IS underground." It is estimated that the building themselves how the building could have sunk so much in so ing will continue to sink an avershort a time, and why it was never age of 10 inches every year. By noticed until now. · the year 2030, the building will While all the facts are not yet be completely underground. Principal Makeme Largeman known, there has apparently been a cover-up by the builder, Oops says that he is "quite distressed"

over this news. "This was not in the plan," he protested. "After all, we are THHS at Queens College, not under Queens College." He says that a second set of experts will be examining the problem and should send in a report

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Writers: Lauren Amorillo, Jonathan Cofsky, Arielle Frost, Andrew Goldberg, Danielle Lord, Rachel Nobel, Annette Orzechowski, Lauren Paley, Eric Trager

by next week. ·"It is imperative that students stay calm. Townsend Harris High School is a family afid in a crisis, we must stick together no matter what," he said. Townsend Harris students certainly are sticking together. Although the initial reaction was

one of shock, many supportive letters and suggestions have been dropped off in the guidance office. Ideas range from moving to a new building to creating a 24-hour crew of student volunteers to collect the hazardous water in buckets when it rams. In the meantime, art and technology classes will start on an innovative project to design a huge umbrella which will cover the building and the immediate area around it. They will begin making preliminary sketches this week. Gym teachers are especially upset because of the "low" location of the gymnasium, while some students are actually ecstatic at the thought of the gym sinking first. Imsika Gymme,junior, shouts, "Finally, I'll be rid of it. Oh I can't wait!" Gym teacher Keep Handsome reported that discussions are underway with the school administration to relocate the gym t<;l the roof of the building. "At least we won't have to run up all those stairs from the gym to our next class on the sixth floor," declared one freshman, Ed Austed. :tn the meantime, however, Mr. Handsome announced that students will still be expected to comContinued on p. 2

Buried booty ·boasts $20 grand in pure gold 1Artwork: Lucy Hong, Vivian Chang, Eric Trager

Photography: Athena Ledakis

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Advisor: lisa Cowen

Principal: Malcolm Largmann

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his city greater than he found it." by Rachel Nobel "The original Townsend HarBurst pipes that inconveris was situated in Manhattan, nienced Harrisites last Monday which was later famous for havmay turn out to be "the greatest ing Stuyvesant as its best school. thing that's happened to this The Bronx had Bronx Science, school since the invention of the ' and Brooklyn had Brooklyn collateral," rep.orts principal Tech," explained the man's Makeme Largeman. nephew, Otto A routine follow-up investigation into the plumbing of the Luch. "My building last week revealed that uncle felt the cracked pipes that caused the awful about basement to flood two weekends Queens being ago were not due to eroding insu- the only borlation, as was originally sus- ough without educapected, but a reserve of gold in any the ground that built up in the tional claim to pipes when the building was con- fame. I guess his idea of carstructed five years ago. The gold was allegedly buried rying out the by a recently-deceased graduate Ephebic Oath was of the original Townsend Harris, burying his family inheritance in though the matter is still being Queens and hoping that some investigated. Relatives of the Queens resident would find it and graduate, who asked that he not put it to good educational use." Current Harris principal be identified, speculate that the man may have buried the gold on Makeme Largeman proudly cited· the then-unclaimed piece of land the man's deed as "'the perfect exin a "misguided attempt to leave ample of what this school can do

to someone." Despite claims laid to the gold by Queens College and some state politicians, authorities at New Leumi Bank, where the graduate's will was filed, confirmed yesterday that according to the will's stipulations, the 'buried treasure' estimated to total over $20,000- does belong to Townsend Harris. "Originally we were going to confiscate the gold under the state's Ownership of Property Act," said Moe Mahnee, the state's Secretary for the Preservation of Pecuniary Acquisitions of the State of New York. "But then we got a phone call from a Mickey Carbonated, something about the incorrect grammar of the act invalidating our rights to the gold. And anyway, when we sent someone

over to check it out, he came back mumbling about really bad loudspeaker music and getting - what did he call it? A referral? I don't know wh<rt kind of crazy operation you humanities nuts are running over there in Queens, but we decided to let the matter drop." Overjoyed at the news, the staff has begun holding weekly meetings on how to spend the money. "Now that Ms. Gonseeya is gone, there's no one to take care of the cockroaches," noted Assistant Principal of Science Blended Curry. "What we need is a full-time insect support team. There's one in New Jersey that will even do mouth-tomouth resuscitation, if necessary, for a small extra fee!" .Committee head Imin Charge said he would "consider': the request. The English department is lobbying for a lifetime supply of red pens, and teacher Mickey Carbonated was overheard loudly protesting the committee's refusal to grant his requests. Continued on p. 2


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