The Classic newspaper Volume 15 Issue no. 3

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aNsApsic Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

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149-11 Melbourne Avenue. Flushing, NY 11367

Sinking building to go Titanic in 2030

lj:ditors: AlanFu, Andrew Goldberg, Christina Lesica, Annette Orzechowski.

Bosede Adenekan, Rebecca Munoz, Rachel Nobel, Lauren Paley

By Danielle Lord Construction Company of 1313 A routine follow-up inspection Old Swamp Road. The contracof the burst pipes in the basement tor could not be reached for comleft students and faculty speech- ment. "Wait a minute," sopholess last week when it was re- more Izza Braine remarked. "I . · vealed that Townsend Harris High always wondered why the floors School is sinking. are numbered so weird - the "Sinking? You mean like the Titanic?" one anxious student, freshman Aggie Tate, asked directly after the announcement i·" made. ~ ~.\._:., i was"Sort of," answered Board of Education inspector Sue Prise. t ~l : !'" "We discovered a serious problem ~~ : ~~< with the building's foundation," she explained. "It seems very unstable. Whenever it rains, the water combines with the soil under the building, resulting in a unique mud composition, rather like quicksand."

According to inspectors, since its construction, the Townsend Harris building is estimated to have sunk nearly eight feet. Students and teachers have been ask- whole first floor IS underground."

It is estimated that the building themselves how the building could have sunk so much in so ing will continue to sink an avershort a time, and why it was never age of 10 inches every year. By noticed until now. · the year 2030, the building will While all the facts are not yet be completely underground.

Principal Makeme Largeman known, there has apparently been a cover-up by the builder, Oops says that he is "quite distressed"

over this news. "This was not in the plan," he protested. "After all, we are THHS at Queens College, not under Queens College."

He says that a second set of experts will be examining the problem and should send in a report

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Writers: Lauren Amorillo, Jonathan Cofsky, Arielle Frost, Andrew Goldberg, Danielle Lord, Rachel Nobel, Annette Orzechowski, Lauren Paley, Eric Trager

by next week. ·"It is imperative that students stay calm. Townsend Harris High School is a family afid in a crisis, we must stick together no matter what," he said.

Townsend Harris students certainly are sticking together. Although the initial reaction was

one of shock, many supportive letters and suggestions have been dropped off in the guidance office.

Ideas range from moving to a new building to creating a 24-hour crew of student volunteers to collect the hazardous water in buckets when it rams.

In the meantime, art and technology classes will start on an innovative project to design a huge umbrella which will cover the building and the immediate area around it.

They will begin making preliminary sketches this week.

Gym teachers are especially upset because of the "low" location of the gymnasium, while some students are actually ecstatic at the thought of the gym sinking first. Imsika Gymme,junior, shouts, "Finally, I'll be rid of it. Oh I can't wait!"

Gym teacher Keep Handsome reported that discussions are underway with the school administration to relocate the gym t<;l the roof of the building. "At least we won't have to run up all those stairs from the gym to our next class on the sixth floor," declared one freshman, Ed Austed. :tn the meantime, however, Mr. Handsome announced that students will still be expected to comContinued on p. 2

Buried booty ·boasts $20 grand in pure gold 1Artwork: Lucy Hong, Vivian Chang, Eric Trager

Photography: Athena Ledakis

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Advisor: lisa Cowen

Principal: Malcolm Largmann

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his city greater than he found it."

by Rachel Nobel "The original Townsend HarBurst pipes that inconveris was situated in Manhattan, nienced Harrisites last Monday which was later famous for havmay turn out to be "the greatest ing Stuyvesant as its best school. thing that's happened to this The Bronx had Bronx Science, school since the invention of the ' and Brooklyn had Brooklyn collateral," rep.orts principal Tech," explained the man's Makeme Largeman. nephew, Otto A routine follow-up investigation into the plumbing of the Luch. "My building last week revealed that uncle felt the cracked pipes that caused the awful about basement to flood two weekends Queens being ago were not due to eroding insu- the only borlation, as was originally sus- ough without educapected, but a reserve of gold in any the ground that built up in the tional claim to pipes when the building was con- fame. I guess his idea of carstructed five years ago.

The gold was allegedly buried rying out the by a recently-deceased graduate Ephebic Oath was of the original Townsend Harris, burying his family inheritance in though the matter is still being Queens and hoping that some investigated. Relatives of the Queens resident would find it and graduate, who asked that he not put it to good educational use."

Current Harris principal be identified, speculate that the man may have buried the gold on Makeme Largeman proudly cited· the then-unclaimed piece of land the man's deed as "'the perfect exin a "misguided attempt to leave ample of what this school can do

to someone."

Despite claims laid to the gold

by Queens College and some state politicians, authorities at New Leumi Bank, where the graduate's will was filed, confirmed yesterday that according to the will's stipulations, the 'buried treasure' estimated to total over $20,000- does belong to Townsend Harris.

"Originally we were going to confiscate the gold under the state's Ownership of Property Act," said Moe Mahnee, the state's Secretary for the Preservation of Pecuniary Acquisitions of the State of New York. "But then we got a phone call from a Mickey Carbonated, something about the incorrect grammar of the act invalidating our rights to the gold. And anyway, when we sent someone

over to check it out, he came back mumbling about really bad loudspeaker music and getting - what did he call it? A referral? I don't know wh<rt kind of crazy operation you humanities nuts are running over there in Queens, but we decided to let the matter drop."

Overjoyed at the news, the staff has begun holding weekly meetings on how to spend the money.

"Now that Ms. Gonseeya is gone, there's no one to take care of the cockroaches," noted Assistant Principal of Science Blended Curry.

"What we need is a full-time insect support team. There's one in New Jersey that will even do mouth-tomouth resuscitation, if necessary, for a small extra fee!" .Committee head Imin Charge said he would "consider': the request.

The English department is lobbying for a lifetime supply of red pens, and teacher Mickey Carbonated was overheard loudly protesting the committee's refusal to grant his requests.

Continued on p. 2

2

The Classic April 1999

Dickens and Seuss!

Ah, the curriculum of the classics: Charles Dickens' A Tale ofTwo Cities, William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, and even the Bible. Townsend Harris has long prided itself on its challenging English curriculum, which introduces students to a variety of the most acclaimed literature ever written.

But even as many students enjoy being dragged kicking and screaming into the world of classic literature, we feel the current list of required reading to be severely lacking in regards to some of our most beloved literature. We call for a return to the very books that inspired our love for reading in the first place, a return to ... Green Eggs and Ham. No reading list of "classic" literature deserves to be called such when it includes Dickens without Dr. Seuss, Shakespeare without Shel Silverstein. Long before the "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" taught us appreciation for nature, Silverstein's The Giving Tree and Seuss' The Lorax stressed the same values. Years before any of us could even pronounce the title of Homer's The Odyssey, Maurice Sendak, in his Where the Wild Things Are, brought us on a journey as long and adventurous as Odysseus'.

We invite Classic readers to compare the pleasure they derive from reading Stan & Jan Berenstain's Berenstein Bears series with the joy of analyzing Sophocles' Antigone. While both stories have the ability to capture the reader's attention with emotional " and, in the case of The Berenstein Bears, rhyming ·- language, and both focus on the brother and sister at the heart of each story, our days in English 2 were spent analyzing Antigone and Polynices rather than Sister and Brother.

What right does the administration have to limit our class reading selections to a list which excludes truly classic authors like Ann M. Martin, author of the BabySitters' ·Club series, or Roald Dahl, whose account of a young boy set loose in a magical candy factory arguably makes for just as enjoyable reading as William Golding's account of several young boys set loose on a deserted island? How can a school that claims it provides an "academically enriched program" ignore the works of E.B. White (Charlotte's Web, The Trumpet of the Swan) while giving preference to Samuel Taylor Coleridge, based solely on age discrimination of the two authors' respective reading audiences.

From a practical standpoint, the merits of a curriculum of children's literature are even more evident. Purchased in bulk, supplies of Little Golden Books and I Can Read books cost far less than the hardcover and often small-print books that the ~~ool now uses, and would exert less of a strain on students' oversized bookbags and eyes. Reduced vocabulary lists would save wear and tear on dictionaries throughout the school. And interactive literature, such as Pat the Bunny, Where's Waldo?, and a variety of pop-up books would offer a successful hands-on approach to the classics in a way that in-class re"enactions of Julius Caesar never could.

The first book that ever changed your life probably wasn't written b)' an ancient Greek poet. So stop letting one have so much influence over your life now.

Take a stand against the administration's outrageous restrictions on the English curriculum and bring Goodnight Moon and Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs into our high-school classrooms.

Kick cools opposition Sophomore senator Bair Lee Dresi, who

By Lauren Amorillo The most recent battle in the war over was physically prevented from deliverthe school dress code has Dean Wanta ing the petition, · fumed about Keep Kick sporting a smile. After many years Handsome's attempt to blockade the of strict referral-writing, Kick says she doors to the meeting. "He wouldn ' t let has "finally had enough" with students anyone pass - unless we all ran five ignoring the sleeved-shirts dress code. miles in under 30 minutes," complained · In cooperation with the sc!10ol board, Bair Lee. Kick has recently unveiled her new The senators, however, vow not to "freeze to please" policy which will give up. They are trying to· persuade keep air conditioning at Townsend Har- civil rights activists to argue on their ris humming all year round. This policy, behalf, and have already enlisted the aimed at freezing students into wearing help of Cybil Wright at the American long-sleeved shirts and sweaters every Civil Liberties Union. "If we don't stop day, will be put into action by next Sep- this, we'll all freeze or come down with pneumonia," cried junior Ima Freesin. tember.

Principal Makeme Largeman, howKick smirked and said, "The school board felt, as I did, not only that it was ever, says he will not be swayed, and worth the money to keep air condition- supports Kick and her plan to freeze the ing systems running full time, but that sleeveless-shirt problem. "So far we the current cooling system should be ·haven't received any parental comreplaced with one twice as powerful." plaints, and the neighborhood is happy This, she explained, would "keep the that the school is doing something to average room temperature at Townsend keep the students' liberties at a miniHarris at five degrees Celsius year mum," said Largeman. "Once the air conditioning act goes into effect, I won't round."

Student senators were quick to draw demand that students not wear sleeveup a letter of protest, which they tried less"shirts; I'll simply expect it," he in vain to submit to the school board. added.

Faculty gets referrals The Classic.

By Lauren Paley Seven students trained to enforce the Thirty teachers received demerits this past week after a revised Code of Be- codes are responsible for distributing the havior was approved by the Board of demerits as they see fit. The candidates Education. The added amendments re- for the job were elected among the senaquire all staff to abide by the same rules tors of the Student Union. Carra Lot, a students must follow. While many stu- . junior who participates in the program dents praise·the changes, most teacher:s after attending the Board of Education's thirty-minute training seminar on "Eduargue that they are unconstitutional.

The new code lists regulations which cator Discipline," explained a teacher's are similar to the ones found in the Stu- ultimate punishment: "Mini-fridge dent Handbook. It includes rules that privileges are taken from first-time ofcall for "appropriate" dress and speech, fenders and bathroom keys are revoked which previously have been an issue for a second referral." But in Mr. between Harrisites arid the administra- Carbonated's case, the s.tudents plan to tion. Latin teacher March Laundry said develop a new level. "Let's just say that she was "stunned" after she recently got the Tom.my Hilfiger brand will be added a referral for using bad language. "Since to the list of offensive attire when a charwhen is 'facit' a dirty word?" she asked. ter revisions meeting is held next Hairy Rat, Assistant Principal of month," said Lot. Two history teachers, Sue Getem and Mathematics and Physical Education, also complained about a referral given Maestro Lottsowitz, also recipients of to him while teaching a logic lesson. referrals, say many teachers are plan"Some blonde girl came up to me and ning to fight the new codes. They hope handed me this paper. She said my ties the United Federation of Teachers are 'too loud' and were a distraction (UFT) will offer support. "The First during class. I was wearing my Knicks Amendment protects us from this untie," he said, "I told her that while the just treatment. This action on the part lockout was on in September, this tie was of the Board of Education was unannounced and extremely unpredictable," actually pretty quiet!"

Most of the referrals given out were explained Ms. Getem.

Philadelphia Jones, the United Fedfor vandalism. The Humanities Department se·emetl to win all the demerits in eration of Teachers representative, rethat category. Corrections on students' ports that complaints concerning the papers are now considered "destruction new system have come in daily since it ef:'personal property" under Clause 666 went inta effect last Monday. However, of Amendment 13. However, English personal cases were not the main subteacher Mickey Carbonated was specifi- jed of the complmnts. Instead, teachcally targeted and punished with a record ers protested the long climbs up the 10 referrals for his grammar changes not stairs since they are now required to only on essays·, but also on school post- have a doctor's note and a pass to use ers, books, and newspapers, including the two school elevators.

Infrastructure Awash Continued from p. 1 plete all required jumping jacks at the beginning of each period. Depending upon the amount of rainfall, water aerobics may be added to the ·gym curriculum for the spring term. "In view of the potential water problem, students may be advised to brush up on their swimming skills," he added.

There is some speculation that the building might simply be sinking under

the sheer weight of all the brainpower at the school. However, many have expressed doubt about this theory.

Echoing Dr. Largeman's message to keep calm and unite in this crisis, faculty members say that they will "do everything in their power to support students in their suggestions on how to save T.H.H.S" because "everyone's common goal is to restore THHS to its old, . totally above-ground self."

Flu.sh find good as gold ,.

Continued from p. 1 "This school already has a dozen Scribner-Bantam dictionaries too many - we see absolutely no reason to place four in every classroom, as per Mr. Carbonated's request," declared Mr. ' Charge. "As for the part of the meeti,ng that included a great deal of whining about dwindling supplies of hand gel and Hilfiger products .. .well, I don't want to go into that now."

Mr. Carbonated refused to comment.

The math department, meanwhile, insists that its large supply of broken protractors needs to be replaced immediately, and several teachers are lobby-

ing for the purchase of calculators that compute pi up to twenty-eight digits.

"Right now," complained ·math teacher Nellie Silvergarb, "if I want to know what comes after 3.1415927, I have to go into room 504 and look at the banner on the walls."

The final decision will be made by Dr. Largeman, who at last word was looking into the cost of building small, programmable alarms into every locker that would clang loudly every time one was opened at an inappropriate time.

"It's something I've always dreamed of doing," said Dr. Largeman, "but we could never afford it- until now."

The Classic April1999

3

ditors· Adventures:

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xtreme sports with Indiana Cowen

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by Andrew Goldberg With an oversized bookbag strapped to her back and goggles glued tightly, perhaps even permanently, to her eyes, like the revolting remains of roadkill still stuck to the sides of her mouth from dinner, the rough rider and aerial acrobat licked the last remnants of racoon from the corners of her lips, checked her helmet, took one final swig from her canteen, and trudged triumphantly through the mud with a determined look on her face. It was already seven o'clock, imd as I looked nervously down at our "clipboard of fun," and then way down, several hundred feet, to the cascading Victoria Falls directly beneath the bridge, which the fearless English teacher had already begun to scale, I remembered what Indiana Cowen had once said to me after returning from an extreme sporting expedition at the top of the Seattle Space Needle: "I was born to bungee, and I'd just die to go again."

Now with that in mind, we traveled half-

way around the world during the winter vacation to fulfill her destiny.

Hired at an "extreme" discount from the Native Undertakers of Treacherous Sports (NUTS) athletic association for "half the going rate, with no guarantee of avoiding the common fate," our slightly intoxicated tour guide led our group of naturalists to the edge of a bridge overlooking the waterfall. Although I had objected vehemently to hiring a bungee jumping company which advertised "no strings attached," Ms. Cowen reassured me that, since all arrangements had been secured by the Board of Education, nothing could possibly go wrong. Besides, I knew she was · a pro, whose acrobatic ability had been recognized almost immediately when, secured only by her' umbilical cord, Ms. Cowen was bungeed as a baby from her crib to the floor of the maternity ward in the hospital where she was born.

Oh, the great circle of life! As the courageous mountain climber, horsehack rider and practiced parasailer stood with one leg dangling over the edge of the bridge, while loosening her other

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limbs and gyrating her hips like a broken can opener in anticipation of the signal to jump, it was evident that Indiana Cowen had only grown more agile with ag~. While our beer-bellied bungee jumping instructor belched last minute safety instructions to those whose heads were even thicker than their helmets, Ms. Cowen, her ankle now fastened to her bungee cord, braced for the greatest bungee jump of her life.

"JUMP!!!" bellowed the crass instructor between burps in the longest sentence he had uttered all day.

Flying, hurling, twisting, turning, spinning, dangling, pulling, screaming, stretching, SCREAMING, stretching, stretching ... SNAPPING ... SPLAT!!

As.the agile English teacher fell, flushed like a dead weight into the streaming waters of the Victoria Falls 853 feet below, all she could rememb<;!r thinking was how "I felt like the albatross dropped from around the Ancient Mariner's neck."

Whereas many married couples honeymoon at the Niagara Falls, Ms. Cowen is among the few who have ever dared to honeymoon ON the Niagara Falls, a "ride of a lifetime," which she dismissed jokingly as a "barrel of fun." "If it weren't for that experience," she later told the Malia me~dia at a press conference from her stretcher, "I never would have been able to survive the fall." Ms. Cowe~, who escaped with only minor cuts and bruises and returned to school on time following the winter vacation, said she had actually considered bungeeing in her wedding dress, "just to relive my honeymoon." But, realizing that her dress would have gotten soaked in the river, she said with a smile, ''I'm glad I decided to loan it to Dennis Rodman."

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by Annette Orzechowski · What began as a distant dream four years ago culminated in a victorious reality on the slopes of Mongolia's Huiten Peak on Thursday, February 18: After meetings with the Luge Unification and National Association Trumpeting Improvement and Corrections (LUNATIC), which included a diligent fundraising campaign, a long search for sponsorship, and a passionate written correspondence with the National and International Mongolian Research Organization Division (NIMROD), a dream was finally realized.

Paving the way for lugers around the world, English teacher Indiana Cowen, Senior A. Net Ineedashorternameski, and famed Swedish mountain climber Olaf Gustavson scaled the 15,272.4 foot (4,653 meter) Huiten peak located in the Tavan Bogd mountain range to create the longest system of man-made ice tracks in the sport's history. "It was the defining moment of my life," said Ms. Cowen, whose dedication to the sport

began at an early age. "I remem, _ ber the first time my father put me · into a luge sled," recalls Ms. Cowen. "I'm not sure ifl had even began to walk, but the experience was electrifying."

- Over the years, Ms. Cowen satisfied her need for speed as a regular among the artificial ice tracks of Altenburg, Germany. "It was exciting at first, and I did meet my husband in a collision on a track in Lillehammer, but the ultimate high that I was searching for just seemed to be missing."

The passion Ms. Cowen was searching for surfaced four years ago when a chance meeting with incoming freshman A.Net Ineedashorternameski took place in room 504. "It's ironic," recalls .A.Net, "how destiny intervenes." "Ms. Cowen was just leaving the room as I was entering when suddenly a button she was wearing caught against my sleeve .." According to A.Net, as she reached to disentangle the button, her eyes caught its proud message: "I LIVE TO LUGE." Seconds later, the two found a comm?l! g!~mng_ that !~!)1~4j!lt!L . a mutual mission.

Winter break '98 marked a historical occasion for the sport. It took three days of climbing the eternally snowcapped mountain mass, but with ~r. Gustavson at their sides, the climb was a success. Once ·stationed, the team employed a complicated system of pulleys and wooden buckets to pull water up to the peak. "We employed a small Mongolian village for labor," said A.Net. The creation of the ice tracks took another half day, but by mid-afternoon, the team was ready to go.

"There were three separate runs," explained M's. Cowen.

"A.Net and I both did separate runs and then we did a two-person luge.'' However, the event was shortlived. In a protest against the extreme Ia~ bor and below minimum wage, the Mongolian villagers poured hot water

down the slopes, effecti~ymelti~ ~ the ice tracks. "I was devastated," • said Ms. Cowen, "but not defeated. I plan on making many conquests of mountains for this sport. Today Mongolia, tomorrow, the world."

4

The Classic April1999

Hawks acquire Rodman

How to win with Intel:

Simply put,. terse is ·worse

by Eric Trager Maybe Rodman should learn how to When a very tall and tattooed man spell citizenship while he's at it. entered the building last Monday wearOn Monday, during lunch, Rodman

by Jonathan Cofsky ist is having at least a surname that . ing a wedding gown, exposing a good blasted his Pearl Jam CD while eating A record number of five Harrisites no one can pronounce, along with a number of piercings, one thing became his lunch. When he was asked to turn it advanced to the semifinals in this paper title that no one can decipher." evident: Dennis Rodman is now a off, he not only refused, but he lifted a · year's Intel Science and Talent Social science teacher Foni lunch lady off the ground, and threatHarrisite.

Search, and Assistant Principal of Scantroni said, "The best social sciOnly moments before th~ trading ened to hit her. After being rebuked for Science Blended Curry has a theory ence projects conclude that their subdeadline, the Los Angeles Lakers, look- . his actions by the administration, alas to why. In a recent article for the jects are nuts, but you can't say that. ing to trade their newly acquired star though not formally punished, Rodman distinguished medical journal called You have to use the words like 'ecrebounder for no apparent reason, re- stated, "I need to listen to my music to Doctoral Quacks, Mr. Curry hypoth- centric.' Even this word is too simceived an offer they couldn't refuse. For get into the mood to play. I can't have esized-that the explanation for this plistic, so you have to surround this the first time in history, an NBA team these little ladies bossing me around. phenomenon might be the prolifera- word with annoying Vocabulary and a high school team traded players ·I'm my own person, and that's why tion of more unintelligible titles.

Month-type words. For example, a with each other. The lucky high school: people love Dennis Rodman."

"I attribute the five Intel Science good title might be 'Post-Synaptic Townsend Harris. In its 15-year history On Tuesday, Rodman, bringing Talent Search semifinalists to the fact Neurochemical Eccentricities in the with over 20 interscholastic sports, Har- $2,000 in cash to school, bought out the that their titles were so complicated. Cerebrum,' which is basically a study ris has taken only five championship S.U. Store. He immediately hiked up No one really knew what they were saying that your subjects are nuts." titles overall, none by their basketball prices, saying, "I'm not getting paid to talking about," said Mr. Curry. One Four years ago, Mr. Curry had a team. come to school. A man's got to make a such complicated title was Paul Julius student who created im anti-impo"I was shocked," said Rodman. "I living."

Bracher's "Para-Benzoate Counter- tence pill that works like Viagra. thought I'd end up in Orlando or MiLater in the afternoon, while being ion Structure on the Critical Micelle Even with this s~unning discovery, ami. But I would never have guessed a photographed for this issue of The ClasConcentration of Tetradeclytri- Mr. Curry didn't submit it because of high school. I was really insulted." sic, Rodman kicked photographer methy !ammonium." its simple title: "Be More Than All Rodman was traded for freshman Minerva L~nsakis. He then proceeded Science research teacher Yodel You Can Be." Instead, he submitted Bestbe Cash, commonly called "Rakim" to head butt security guard Allis GuardGoneseeya added, "The titles andre- a different student's project about the by his teammates. Bestbe was neither a ing as she demanded that he go see the search mystified me. Whenever stu- most energy-efficient ways under star nor a starter with the Townsend . principal. For his actions, which stirred dents gave me progress reports, I just Newtonian physics to pick your nose.

Harris Hawks, and was shocked and up quite an audience and delayed fourthnodded my head."

The title was "Importance of Leverexcited by his sudden rise to profes- floor classes from st~ing, Rodman was When asked what he looked for Pulley Force Production in the Minsional basketball. "You're going ~o have suspended for two days. in a gqod project, Mr. Curry said, "If ing and Excavating of Bedrock and The first two days of Rodman's arto try really hard to wipe the smile off I don't understand the title or any- Other Mucus Comparable Subrival at Townsend Harris were especially my face," said B_estbe. thing in the project, I know it has a stances." Sure enough, this project hard on Dr. Largeman, the man who had chance. Truthfully, the best way to was. selected as one of the top 40 in pursued a player who was now tearing ~ssure yourself of being a semi-finalthe country. down the school's ideals. Fielding a variety of questions at a news conference, Largeman stated, "Dennis will be controlled at · all costs in the future. day when you look like me."

However, his athletic ability is far too by Arielle Frost Students are not intimidated, howgreat for us to pass over."

Stella's sweet snacks will no longer As far as · basketball goes; Rodman be available in the cafeteria after May ever, and continue to express their dishas not yet played. Dean of students 1. Students will instead be offered appointment. Sophomore Moe Sugar and athletic director Wanta Kick has healthier foods such as granola bars, explained, "I rely on ·stella's sweet banned Rodman from playing until his broccoli balls, and rice cakes. This s.ud- snacks to give me the boost I need to medical form and travel permission slip den change is the result of a vigorous get through my afternoon classes." are signed and handed in. "Look at me. campaign for healthy students, orga- Other students have already revealed For Bestbe, fame and money lie i was playing in the NBA a week ago. nized by Denim Shorts, health educa- pla_ns to bring their sugar-loaded snacks ahead in his future. At the very least, Don't I look healthy?" remarked Rod- tion teacher, and by the physical educa- to school with them. Junior Walter Whiner said, "We're old enough to make he will earn $100,000 for the season, the man. He addeq, "And I can't even find tion department. 'league's minimum wage for rookies, and my parents, so how do th~y expect me The group of health-crazed teachers our own decisions concerning our diets. will make headlines across the world as to get these things signed?" succeeded in their efforts to eliminate If we can't buy candy in school, we'll the NBA's youngest player.

Rodman has yet to enjoy the educa- the sale of foods with high sugar con- buy it somewhere else."

The advocates of the campaign for However, for Dennis Rodman, the tional environment which the trade has tents on school property with the help future is not as bright. Already an out- locked him into. "I have to take Latin," of Principal Makeme Largeman. Their healthier students are not worried about cast from the fans, some of whom be- he said angrily. "Why? Am I Roman? goal was to create a student body full of the students' threats to purchase candy . off school grounds. lieve that his wild antics have gone too Do I intend on being Roman? I don't strong bodies and focused Ms. Kick said, "Our far, he is now legally bound, under con- worship Jupiter, Saturn, or Uranus. minds. Physica_l education ~ tract, to play for the Townsend Harris What am !doing with Latin?" teacher Robem F1gsforme ex- · · Rodman admits that he has lived plained, "Healthy foods help Hawks, an inconsistent team with a small margin over .500 and virtually no without rules his whole life, and that the awaken the mind and improve popularity, except with Division II and Code of Behavior will be "as restrictive concentration. And, as we all Division III basketball universities. as David Robinson's personality." know, they help keep you in "When I heard that Dennis had be- However, he now vows to behave him- good physical condition." come expendable, I knew we had to at ·self and fully understands the conseThe new school policy is now least be competitive in pursuing him," quences of not conforming to school being fine-tuned and a list of said Principal Makeme Largeman, who standards.

Stella's healthy merchandise is expected next mission is to proSometime soon, Dennis Rodman will to be approved unanimously by the New pose a policy prohibiting any foods with negotiated the trade. "We hope that Rodman will provide us with the -ath- actually be playing for the Townsend York City Health Department next high sugar contents from being eaten in school.'' If this policy is approved, the Harris Hawks. Rodman says that, al- week. letic prowess our school is lacking."

Townsend Harris has always de- though it is a major step down from Ms. Shorts and her supporting team teachers will monitor the students in the manded excellence ·in studies, service, playing on a championship NBA team, of physical education teachers, Ms. cafeteria and severely punish anyone and citizenship. Dr. Largeman admit- he is looking forward to the new expe- Figsforme, Keep Handsome, Wanta caught eating unhealthy foods.

Stella, who is stuck in the middle of ted willingly that training Dennis in the rience and to the prospect of being the · Kick, and Largely Cereal, are already Harrisite ideals would be quite a task. PSAL's most, and perhaps only, contro- receiving complaints from students. Ms. this feud over her snacks, said, "I don't "Before he can take the Ephebic Oath, versial player: "And I dyed my hair Shorts said, ''I'm simply trying to cre- know what we'll be selling yet, but I he's going to have to learn how to spell yellow and crimson for the occasion," ate lean, mean studying machines." Mr. promise the SU store will always proit," remarked the principal.

Handsome added, "You'll thank us one vide the same friendly service." he said with a chuckle.

Stella·: 'Ch.eerio' to sweets