The Classic newspaper Volume 16 Issue no. 5

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asApsic Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

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149-11 Melbourne Avenue.· Flushing, NY 11367

Ditching the dish: Defective music to get tune-up

Editors: Andrew Goldberg, Lauren Paley Bosede Adenekan, Rebecca Munoz, Audley Brian Wilson, Lucy Hong

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Writers: Carolina Chang, Angela Horn, Lorraine Kapovich, Victoria Kowanetz, Alice Lee, Anna Olson, - Sylvia Stanojev

by Lauren Paley and Sylvia Stanojev The multi-purpose, but notalways functioning, satellite dish that sits atop the school will take its last temperature reading at the end of next week and will be removed on April 29. Technicians from Queens College say the dish is responsible for the "defective" music that is often heard at the change of the bands. Turbulence in the solar wind as the sun approaches peak activity has caused a freak phenomenon in the ionosphere. Thus, signals from Townsend Harris. are being received by a Chinese monastery and visa versa. In addition, electrical discharges in the antennae have made the CD player skip from time to time.

Elle Etric, consultant for the School Construction Committee, said, "This interception is why unusual pieces of music were played here over the past two years." This includes the chants played this month. Signals transmitted from radio station W-OMMMMM in China were

mistakenly picked up, allowing broadcasts of the radio show translated as "Monks Monkeying Around With Melody" to echo

Art of Fortune Cookie Writing, she visited the Beijing Monastery a11d their radio station responsible for broadcasting meditation mu-

through the -Townsend Harris halls.

No one caught the faults in the system until sophomore Loudin Static returned from a visit to China. While involved in an exchange program seminar on the

sic throughout China. "I was used to hearing Chinese all around me for days until I visited WOMMMMM," Loudin said.

"While I was touring the control room, I heard a very familiar voice say, 'Please excuse the in-

terruption; that was a false alarm."'

The engineers there described the interference problems they had experienced over the past three months, not to mention the scare they had the first time they heard the voice. "Let's just say they thought they were hearing a higher authority than a Board of Education administrator," said Loudin. "The brothers couldn't stop talking about it." She tried to explain that they'd been picking up the announcements of Assistant Principal of Disorganization, Makeme Bossman. "I was worried they wouldn't understand me because I couldn't for the life of me remember how to say 'pyromaniac' in Chinese,:· Loudin said. "I had to explain how we taught chemistry in America."

Upon returning, she notified Technical Coordinator Richie Tiffile, who later called Dr. Etric, as well as Queens College technicians Connie Fixit and Louise Wires, to help him inspect the dish. Unable to change its frequencies, all four received approval from Principal Makeme Largeman to disconnect and remove Continued on p. 3

Up the down escalator: New honors gym to run Artwork: Lucy Hong, Emily RivlinNadler Kerry Purtell, Rachel Schiffman Photography: Audley Brian Wilson

rAdvisor: lisa Cowen

Principal: Malcolm Largrnann I~

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by Rebecca Munoz and Angela Hom In response to recent complaints made by some students and members of the physical education department about the lack of a physical education class suitable for the most athletic students, Principal Makeme Largeman announced yesterday that he planned tO install escalatorS in the middle s~ircase over the sumlller.

Starting next September, students will be able to get a "real" workout by climbing up the escalators that will, in fact, move in a downward direction.

"I am very pleased with his decision," said Dean Wanta PixKnicks. "I have been asking for years to teach a physical education class that would be ·comparable to an AP or honors class.

Students should be able to reach· new heights in gym as well as science," she said. She plans to conduct a new gym elective entitled "Ralph Shows Off Not Only His Volleyball Skills But His Great Ability To Run Up Stairs."

Students will strengthen their calf

muscles by running up the down escalators. And for those who are not able to take the elective, the escalators will run from 7:30 am to ~: 3 0 pm ~ daily, so stu- 7_ ~ dents can treat ·(~""· · them{

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lunch in the middle of the day, or Funds for the construction will from the sixth to fourth floors be- come mainly from the Parent's tween periods, can think again. Association's newest fundraising The only way students will be . scheme. On the first annual Mascot able to make use of the escalators Day, to be held on May 16, Harrisites is if they plan to climb up. In or- will dress as Hari the Hawk, and der to ensure that students do not . stand on various street corners in try to stretch their escalator privi- ' Manhattan asking for money from ry" leges, Dr. passersby. Not only will Harrisites (\ ~ Large man beg for money; they will also try to I~ planS On peri- hawk the USe}eSS printing equipment ~ odic ally put- that lines the wall of room 511. u n~ / ting on his fortunately; i.t is against the law to I sweats and sell property that the Board of Education has allocated to a school, but whatever. If all goes as scheduled, construction should begin at the end of June and be completed by Labor Day weekend Some students and teachers have voiced objections to the buildfng of the escalators. "I don't think it's fair that they will be built in the main _stairwell," said sophomore Daisy Upsy at Consultative Council meeting. "I am certainly not going to use them and that means I will aljoining in on the action. "I don't ways have to walk to the end of the intend to spend thousands of dol- hallway." But her comment was Iars so that youngsters can take it greeted with low murmurs and one easy," said Dr. Largeman.

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selves to this state-of-the-art work-out in their free time.

Those students who hope to use the escalators to go down to

2

The Classic

April2000

Teacher cult takes reve-nge, brainwashes students

By Bosede Adenekan and Anna Olson 路 The ten members of the Enforcers, a secret society of math and science teachers headed by biology teacher Howie Wags and mathematics teacher Hairy Rat, were reprimanded for incorporating subliminal messages in their lessons, , causing students to eat chalk in classrooms on the fourth floor. Because the Enforcers were endangering the health of the students, Principal Makeme Largeman stripped all members of their Delaney books, forcing them to learn the names of their students.

Their motive behind the crime was to gradually rid the Humanities.department of a necessity, chalk. This would serve as a way of punishing the Humanities department for excessively using paper, and thus, limiting the paper supply.

On Monday, March 20, junior Iyam Nosey busted the teachers when he accidentally walked in on one of their weekly private gatherings, which took place from 7:30 to 7:45. "I was going

for math tutoring but there was no one he's in lovt: with the dictionary. Then I in the classroom, so I went to ask Mr. heard them talk about the success of Rat if there was still math tutoring. I their plan to get students to eat chalk. I heard a high pitched noise coming from knew this had to be illegal, so I ran out the math office. I thought it sounded like and got a security guard," said Iyam.

Ms. Golf-Four, so I walked in. What "I couldn't believe that such abuse they were doing was terrifying; if they of education was going on in here, not had seen me, they would have probably . by students, but by the teachers;" said abducted me and done experiments on Sergeant Misby Leevin. Once conme or something. Luckily they never fronted by the security guard, the Ensaw me," said Iyam. forcers confessed to initiating chalk-eatI yam said a band of faculty members ing. "The Humanities Departmentalwere sitting in a tight circle and chant- ways wastes the paper in this school. ing softly while swaying back and forth. They know that paper is scarce, yet they Howie Wags led the group in what Iyam always hand out sheet upon sheet, not describes as "animalistic song." "They even bothering to use both sides. Somewere singing and their words were times an entire sheet has 10 lines of pogarbled, but I'm almost positive that etry on it. This was just our way of tellthey chanted math theorems and all the ing the Humanities Department to conchemistry elements in a low whisper," sider the needs of other teachers," said Iyam says.

Hairy Rat. Dr. Largeman, however, did _ Iyam said the small group of educa- not feel that the reason for the Enforctors waved a red flag on which the words ers' actions was valid. "That behavior "Dictionary or Death" were crossed out. is unacceptable. Dictionaries are our "When I saw the flag, I immediately friends!" said Dr. Largeman. knew this was a group which Dr. Other teachers shared Largeman's Largeman would not approve of since sentiments. "Making students eat

chalk? That's almost as bad as playing checkers. We never meant to use so much paper, but we're English teachers; we love reading. The Enforcers obviously need to take word-appreciation 101," said English teacher, Mickey Grammarnun.

The student body had mixed emotions about the Enforcers. "It's true paper is often wasted in this school. We should do everything in our power to stop this abuse. I'm not saying chalkeating is right, but at least someone's thinking about the earth," said sophomore Save D. Wirld, member of Students for the Preservation of the Earth.

"I always thought chalk looked very appetizing. Let's rewrite the constitution so that an amendment gives students the right to eat chalk," said junior Tonisha Spinderelli.

Other students were enraged by the Enforcers. "Mr. Wags always said there was a chalk eating monster! How dare he mislead his students! Now how will Ieverregainmytrust inhimT'saidBug B. Bugging.

Collaterals due to end after threat of verbal battle

by Alice Lee . "We are free! We are finally forever free!" was the common cheer heard throughout Townsend Harris after senior Gorge Wishywashyton, president of the Second Continental Student Congress (the former Student Union), announced the surrender of Principal Makeme Largeman and his staff during first band last week. Dr. Largeman has agreed to ban the use of collaterals in all subjects.

Gorge says this is the first success in restricting "absolute administration."

An Emancipation Proclamation was issued by Dr. Largeman on March 31 containing the following, to wit: "That on the 31st day of March, 2000, all students held as slaves of collaterals within any class shall be, thenceforward, and then forever, free from such collaterals.

The Executive Administration of the Townsend Harris government, including the teaching authorities, will recognize and maintain students' right to the freedom from collaterals, and will perform no acts to repress such students."

This proclamation ended: "And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice, warranted by the Constitution upon necessity, I invoke the considerate judgment of humankind and the gracious favor of the mighty Hari the Hawk."

The Administration abolished the use of mandatory collaterals in all classes to avoid a violent verbal war with the .

United Harris Studentry. "As a division of the Student Congress, the United Har- ris Studentry is a highly train.ed and determined group of elite pencil pushers," said George. "The Harris Studentry is a formidable force that believes it is better to fight with words than swords, and the administration fears it," he said. "We Harrisites are known for our extensive English ability," he continued. "We are champsionship debaters."

Vice President and author of the Declaration of Student Independence,

Tommy Jiffersound, .said, "Today is definitely a day to remember and celebrate. Today, we declare ourselves as free students, free of the evils of collaterals." Tommy founded the Second Continental Student Congress four years ago, with fellow classmates Joan A. Dames, Benny Frank, Roger Sherwoman, and Rob Livingstown.

The elimination of collaterals was first proposed 10 years ago by members of the graduating class of 1990. Members included students Jon Locksmith, Ronny Rousseao, and Manny Q. Montes. "I was horrified as a freshman when my teacher assigned collaterals," said Joan A. Dames, "and when I read past issues of the school paper, I was inspired by the writings of those students who took a stand against coliaterals."

The Student Congress started its crusade to abolish the long-standing tradition of collaterals with its cry, "Students are admitted free, but collaterals tie them in chains!" Four years later, on March 10, the Congress submitted its Declaration of Student Independence to the principal. The document, drafted primarily by Tommy, listed the injuries and usurpations caused by collaterals.

"The students suffer from massive migraines, raccoon eyes, and insomnia, caused by a prolonged period of sleepless, collateral-filled nights," explained Tommy. The document claims collaterals are unjust since no students in other schools are subjected to them.

The document also states that students are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Sleep, Lib-

erty, and the Pursuit of no gym class. standing Townsend Harris tradition," One of the main causes of the sue- - said Dr. Largeman, "I recognize the cess of the students' fight for their rights views of the students, and the very real was the arsenal of verbal darts thrown potential for verbal war." by the Student Debate team, which held The day after the Moot Court found a Lincoln-Douglas style debate路against the collaterals to be unconstitutional, Dr. the administration. "We decided to win Largeman issued the Emancipation our rights the 'Harris way,"' said senior Proclamation. To celebrate their victory, Sandy SayitalL The students exercised the students used the paper cutter in not only their debate skills, but also their room 511 as a guillotine and ceremoniwriting talents as they nailed their 95 ally chopped off the headings of all contentions to the door of the library. spring 2000 collateral assignments for The Harris Moot Court team also every subject. Gorge and Tommy, who performed the beheading process, commented that this ceremony was necessary to officially declare the end to the hated collaterals, and to show that collaterals are a thing of the past for the entire school.

Many students, who call themselves Loyalists, believe the Emancipation Proclamation to be too "radical," and "unsafe." "Tradition offers stability," says Leal Loyola. "Our school will suffer chaos with this drastic reform."

One teacher, who asked to remain anonymous, said, "I guess it would be hard to forget about the old ways and not assign collaterals. But I'd rather not assign collaterals than lose my job and my Delaney book."

JuniQr Needa Wink said, "I held a court hearing in the Student Court have been doing collaterals for so long, of the Student Congress to try the con- I am not sure how I will be able to sleep stitutionality of the collaterals. Senior before 2 AM now." However, the maCitie Law and junior Lola Lame led jority of the student body remains enthe student appeal, with history teacher thusiastic. Benny, the spokesperson for Neva Leave as the presiding judge. Dr. the Student Congress, said, "When we Largeman listened in, and expressed his formed the Congress, we mutually admiration for the student litigators' co- pledged to each other our Sleep, our herent and logical arguments. The stu- Dictionaries, and our sacred GPA. Now dents defended the abolition of our dreams have become a reality. I am collaterals by citing the eighth amend- happy for us, but, even more imporment, saying that the collaterals quali- tantly; I am happy for future Harrisites, fied as 'cruel and unusual punishments." who will be admitted into the school "Although collaterals have been a long- free, and who will remain forever free."

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The Classic

April2000

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Prom escort service·.makes m·atches for dateless . by Lorraine Kapovich The search for prom dates is over. Available prom dates may sound like an oxymoron for many Harrisites; however, endless days of looking ·for that . special someone, or at least someone, may be gone forever.

In addition to other treats and supplies sold at the famous Student Union Store, there will now be dates as well. Prom dates will be s.old in order to ease the stress that many juniors and seniors have, especially during April and May, as they pursue dates for the Junior Banquet and Senior Prom.

The shortage of dates has been an ongoing problem in the school with many students complaining of loneliness and low self-esteem during the spring season. Senior Ihava Nolife conjured up the idea a week ago when several distressed students, including herself, found it impossible to find a prom date. "I was sick and tired of being rejected and humiliated. I'm sad to say that it has come to the point where I

am desperate for a date," said Ihava.

Ihava approached the Senate at its March 15 meeting with her plan to save the students. She justified her pro~ posal by saying that if students did not have to deal with the burden of finding a date, and worrying about their love lives, they would be able to concentrate more on their studies and less on social life. "Students are preoccupied with so many things and we need to make it easier on them as much as possible," said Ihava.

The Senate was enthusiastic about Ihava's proposal and voted unanimously to put the dating service into effect. The

proposal was submitted the next day to Principal Makeme Largeman for final review. Dr. Largeman at first questioned

whether the idea would work successfully. "What ever happened to asking someone out?" he asked. "But," he added, "if the service will boost some

grade point averages, then it's perfect dates. "Together I think definitely a worthwhile plan." we will be able to single out With the final okay from each student's perfect match Dr.Largeman, lhava formed a and make everyone happy," committee and started a said Ihava. city-wide search for poThe package costs a tax detential dates for purchas- ductible $19.95 and will be sold ing. "I found plenty of during lunch bands in the girls and boys who were · school .store starting Monday, willing to be bought as April 3. The package includes dates. You'd be sur- a male or female dat.e, fully prised how many stu- dressed in pro.per prom attire, dents are desperate for with the 100% non-refundable dates at the all-girl and guarantee that you will be the all-boy schools through- coolest, slickest kid at the prom. out New York," said Dates come in a number of Ihava. Junior Floe styles; students can choose Flirtman supports the from a variety of personalities service and is happy that as well as physical traits. Stuit will allow students to dents can indicate the qualities mingle with other stu- they would like their date to dents from different possess, and then Ihava and schools. "I don't have Sella will make a selection from much time to meet new the pool of potential dates.

Controversy has erupted in people, so I am excited about this opportunity," the halls over the issue of sellshe said. · ing dates. "I think it's a great Ihava decided to join forces idea, seeing as how no one in with fellow match-maker/ head their right mind wants to take of the· Student Union Store, me to the prom, or go out with Sella , in order to make sure that me," said senior Fenky Smellz: Contin~ed on p. 4 she would match up picture

Bre,akln' new ground: Satellite removal to fix music Kind.afunny to dance on MTV

by VictoFia Kowanetz One ofTownsend Harris' own has made a jump to television. MTV bas invited Adull Kindafunny, chemistry teacher, to join DJ Skribble on its dance show "Glabal Grooves." The first episode will be taped on June 28 and feature Mr. Kindafu·nny breakdancing. lt will air during the summer. The s·bo:w will have the 4:00 PM slot, and will be shown Monday through Friday for the entire summer.

Mr. K.indafunny had heard about the audition from members of his chemistry class. ~some of my students told me that MTV was having audi-tions for a dan,oe show," Mr. Kindafunny explained. ''They had said that I could breakda.nce well and t<'>ld me that I should try fout."

At ftrst, Mr. Kindafunny was reluctant, but then decided to give it a shot. "I thought that the kids were crazy, that maybe they had been sniffing some of the chemicals during lab,'' he said with a laugh. ••But I had nothing to lose, so I decided to try out."

Mter auditioning for the sh.ow with hundreds of other hopefuls, Mr. Kindafunny was called to go to the MTV

smdios in Tunes Square for the final audition on February 13. "I didn't think I was_ going to make it, man," he said. "'Everyone else was really good!' ·~He was terrific,'' said dance chor-eugrapher Ivana Boogie. ''I have never seen such one:of-a-ki:nd dance moves before." Even though there are other dancers displa,ying their moves on the shaw, much of the focus will be on Mr. Kindafunny. "He has so much energy and enthusiasm," adde,d M.s. :Boogie. "How can we keep the camera off of him?"

The m"USic for the show wiU be provided by DJ Skribble. "Yo man, with DJ S.kribble spinning it on the ones and twos ,and with my break dancing ,this show will be h-ot yo," said Mr. Kindafunny.

"What can I say?'' said DJ Skribble...He ,adds a lot of life to the show."

Now that Mr. Kindafunny is sta-rring o;n "Global Grooves," many students are wondering what will be next.

"I'd love to see Mickey Grammarnu.n [Englis-h teacher] host Total Request Live," said freshman Fan Attic.

Continued from p. 1 the satellite dish before May. Members of the Media Squad and the Internet Publishing Club, which relies on the dish for weather data that appears on the Townsend Harris web site, objected to the removal. Media squad advisor Lauready Beenhere pointed out the disadvantages of hoisting away the dish: "Any time a teacher wants to use the television in class, there will always be a chance that he or she won't get good reception . They'll have to resort to old-fashioned · antennas - hangers, foil, and all." Security guards Sheroy Gatlingun and Mora Lean also protested the anticipated disturbance of their television in

the third floor security lounge . connect one outdoor speaker?"

In an effort to save the dish, Mr. Bossman says turning the Ms. Beenhere suggested the speakers off is simply a matter school use the five-minute bells of flipping a switch. "Unfortuin place of music, but adminis- nately," he said, "though we trators ruhid out the idea. "We keep trying, we haven't found can't make that kind of the right one." As a result, the change," explained Mr. lights in the bathrooms someBossman. "Currently there is a times are shut off and the floproblem witp trying to re-pro- rescent lights in classrooms on gram the bells five minutes the fourth floor periodically ahead of schedule. We're still flicker on and off.

Alahandrow Ferngully, looking for a freshman monipresident of the Yoga Club, tor to teach us how it's done."

Residents living close to the opposes any repairs or changes school also favor the bells over to the current public announcethe music. Walter .Whiner, a ·ment system. "We were planrepresentative of one apartment ning to do our exercises to the building, said, "The neighbor- meditation chants in the courthood hears the music- or what- yard this spring ," he revealed. ever it is - every time class is He hopes Mr. Tiffile and the over. How hard can it be to dis- technicians will reconsider.

W!uir a a colloti;,J... a TIMOT. .. a IIOJW4t!t ••. ?I? {j/ftdaf !lJidimat;y of~~~bpn©

tv®~~® ®~@@@@;tv CfJuarllllle«<IP~ ~33 fater in !{If£.!

To order, call:

1-800-THHS-JARGON NB:

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is not a substitute for a regular dictionary with standard vocabulary: it is simply a supplement for ·discombobulated Harris newcomers.

4

The Classic April2000

New gym to run

Naptime fantasies may become reality

Fearing that the startling results about

by Carolina Change and Andrew Harrisites would sound an alarm at the Continued from p. 1 Goldberg "Shut up you lazy bum!" from a voice In a school in which endless hours Board of Education, where, accord!ng to that came from the corner of the room of homework and countless collaterals an anonymous administrator, "workers in which gym teacher Harry Cereal was often cause students to skip sleep, feel · are already accustomed to taking advanseated. Math teacher Don White added, fatigued, clumsy, and as depressed as tage of an unspoken policy to sleep on "Do you want to end up like my ~rother­ their weakened immune systems, the the job," Dr. Largeman is hoping to put in-law who sits in front of the micro- · latest findings in a scientific study on the issue to bed. "I'm tired of hearing wave all day?" Also, tennis balls started sleep deprivation have provided arude about it already," he said. "When the flying at her head, but that may have awakening for the administration. An Consulative Council first came to me to been something else entirely. Teachers Intel project voiced concerns that the use of the es- conducted by calators will cause students to be late to senior Susie class, but Dr. Largeman insisted that the Snoozy on the escalators could not be used as an ex- effects of cuse for tardiness. sleepiness, disAnother potential problem involving covered that the the escalators is maintenance. A club workload at named Students for Escalator Mainte- Townsend Harnance, proposed by several students and . ris may be recustodian Julia Blanca, is still search- sponsible · for ing for members. Participants will com-· causing plete 10 hours of escalator maintenance Harrisites to detraining, after which, as certified main- velop "an untenance officers, they will carry a small fathomable kit of tools every day, just in case the ability to resist escalators break down from excessive rest over exuse. The perk of being a part of the tended periods , maintenance team is that members may of time." go down the escalators, but not without · A total of Practicing DEAN (Drop everything and nap), students in the math office first shouting "Shita-ni ikimasu," in 200 students abandon their notebooks and textbooks to catch up on much-needed sleep. honor of our Japanese sister school, participated in Shimoda Kita, to let everyone know this project, which contained both con- approve a bring-your-pillow-to-school they will be descending. trol and variable groups of 50 Harrisites day, I knew things were getting a little .Some seniors will also be standing and 50 subjects from Bowne. The con- out of hand."

In an effort to appease those rebel on the first and sixth floor landings with . trol group was allowed to sleep under stretchers. "We do have a very enthu- no-school conditions. The variable rousers threatening "shut eye or shutsiastic group of students. I'm afraid group, however, was denied sleep for down," Dr. Latgeman is considering some may overly exert themselves and five days. After two nights of no sleep, starting the school day later and moving have to be whisked away immediately," the students from Bowne had trouble all morning club meetings to the aftersaid Ms. PixKnicks These seniors can functioning and thinking, and almost all noon. He has also convened a sleep be spotted, not only guarding six-foot- of them were incapable of spelling their committee composed of students, teachlong stretchers, but also wearing bright own names. In contrast, Harrisites had ers,. and administrators, which has recently proposed extending pajama day orange shirts with reflecting letters "T" no trouble working. and "H" on the front. "I don't really The results were faxed to the United to every Friday and creating an afternoon dig the orange," said English teacher Association Against Work-filled Nights club called Sleep Walkers, which would Mickey Grammarnun, "but the T and H (UAWN). They were infuriated, won- take brisk walks around the Queens Colremind me of the Tommy logo so I guess dering how Harrisites could get by with- lege campus to "help students get the second wind they need after school to the outfits are okay." out complaining of being tired.

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get through their homework." Their most far-reaching proposal, however, is DEAN - Drop Everything and Nap. UAWN has enthusiastically endorsed this idea and has agreed to donate pillows should DEAN be implemented.

DEAN would take place daily between bands seven and eight for 20 minutes. As a result, all non-lunch bands, excluding band 10, would be shortened by four minutes. As period seven concludes, bed-time music would be played over the loud speakers, signaling to all staff and students that it's time to "drop everything and nap."

Teachers have reacted rather positively to this proposal because, like the students, they too lack sleep. Assistant Principal of Mathematics Hairy Rat has agreed to tap into the school funds to purchase new cotton mats for DEAN. Dr. Largeman, who is leaning toward giving DEAN his approval, is planning to go out to Sam Goody and purchase all their lullaby records.

"I believe DEAN will give our students their well-needed rest and, in turn, will increase their capacity to absorb new knowledge," he said.

Still,' not everyone is sleeping more comfortably as a result of the latest news. Sophomore Howie Works sees no need to waste school time sleeping.

"When they closed the bathrooms, we learned to avoid nature's call," he said.

"If we can go without the rest rooms, why not without sleep?"

Meanwhile, however, as Dr. Largeman begins to open his own eyes to students' needs, others are working harder than ever to get him to let them close theirs. "We're currently hoping to hold a spring sleep-athon and incorporate such bedtime classics as the Berenstein Bears into the English curriculum," said SU senator, senior Sam Schnore. Dr. Largeman, who initially told the SU to "dream on," about its latest ideas, admits that the prospect of hearing some of his favorite bedtime stories might just get him to reconsider.

"I'll have to sleep on it," he said.

Dates .for Sale ~~lfii'Y:"

It's the most repulsive public relations· stunt at Townsend Harris since Pajama Day. The Sports lllusrated Townsend Harris Gym Suit Issue is guaranteed to blow your mind, and has already been banned in 43 states. Featuring photographs of each school administrator. most teachers, and some students in full physical education attire.

Complete with scratch n' sniff photos and biographi&s of the photo-shoot survivors, the Gym Suit issue makes an excellent bug repellant.

"The most repulsive thing I've ever seen!"

-Linda Tripp "De must repulzivh tingh ivh everre sihnh!"

-Ms. Goneseeya "If watching Sweating the Oldies didn't completley nauseate you, you have what it takes to read the THHS Gym Suit Issue!""

-Richard Simmons

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Continued from p. 3 Many say that the selling of dates is degrading and demoralizing. "I do not think that guys and girls should be sold. as objects and I find this practice inhumane," said junior Ophelia Pain. "I cannot believe what is happening to this school. Are we so nerdy we can't'find our own dates?" asked junior Irma Freek.

Other students admitted to feeling embarrassed about.needing to buy their dates. "I'd feel so cheap going up to Sella and asking her for a sweet, funny, short, brunette girl," said senior Eye Gottachew. · Ihava denies accusations that her service is immoral and indecent. "We are determined to develop a service in which students would be able to purchase a date with convenience, style, and class and we guarantee your satisfaction" she said.