The Classic newspaper Volume 17 Issue no. 3

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Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

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149-11 Melbourne.Avenue. Flushing, NY 11367

Renumbering scheme puts first floor first

Editors:

Alice Iosifescu Allison Slotnick Kerty Purtell

Emily RivlinNadler

Writers: Danny Bloch Jessie Chou Jennifer Gong Jamie Gullen Angela Hom Talya Lieberman DianeTiao.

Jessica Wang

Artwork: Kathy Choi Frank DeBellis Janine Petrovits Kerry Purtell Emily RivlinNadler · Layout: Clarke Gradinger Advertisements: Janine Petrovits, Kerry Purtell

Advisor: · lisa Cowen

Principl!!: Thomas

Cwmingham

by Angela Hom paint into those tricky ceiling corners ," Confusion caused by the way the said Mr. Moreorless; floors are numbered will soon end. Over This plan to change the numbers was the summer of 2001,'Townsend Harris · suggested by several freshmen after they High School plans to hire students to - used the elevator to go to the first floor repaint and renumber the floors. The before figuring out that the exit to the project is being made possible through school was on the second. "I think this a joint grant given by the New York school has to get its numbers straight. I State Psychiatry Department and the New _ York City Board of · Education.

Those who are looking for a part-time job can apply for the repainting positions, As an added incentive, the job will also count for volunteer hours that can be applied to the 40-hour requirement needed by all Townsend Harris students. "We're.looking for some student workers because we don't want to hire some outside people who will probably charge us an arm and a leg and got confused when they told me I had then rip us off anyway with bad paint- to leave school from the second floor," ing jobs," said Joe Numericomo, head said freshman Roman Around. The , freshmen obtained their elevator passes of the custodial staff.

Students.who are interested in work- after their weighty bookbags took them ing as painters will have to attend a few for a ride down the stairs.

Another problem that helped con- . " lessons taught by Arty Moreorless, art teacher. These sessions will be held af- vince new principal Tricky Runningman ter school on Wednesdays, where wall that the floors should be renumbered painting techniques 'will be taught. "I was the confusion over locker numbers. don't want to see streaky or mismatched ''We see locker numbers beginning with colors with no signs of directionality or three on the fourth floor, and four on the tension in the school hallways. And the fifth floor. i didn't know a school with students have to be taught how to get an emphasis on Humanities could mess

up numbers this badly," said sophomore· Litty E. Ritt. . .

Renumbering will cause the b~se­ ment to become G I; the floor with the cafeteria will become G2; the floor with the school's entrance and the auditorium · will become I and each floor after that will be numbered co~secutively. Each floor will l).lso be colorcoded.

The idea to repaint the floors came from a longstanding problem. In an effort to avoid schoolwide stress, Mr. Runningman proposed that the hallways be painted in bright shades so that the students would have something to focus on besides their endless ·collaterals.

The ~ew York State Psychiatry Department was contacted to find out the best colors for brightening up moods. From the suggestions, red was selected for the new fifth floor to blend in with daily chemistry bonfires; a rainbow of the colors will adorn the fourth; purple, the third; crimson and gold, the second; blue to match the security staff, the first; and an "interesting" shade of green, the new G2.

The funds for the project were given to Townsend Harris because it was the first school to contact the department for help with depression prevention. "I applaud the efforts to make this learning institution a happier place," said Dr. Happy Goodmind.

Largeman· makes a comeback: ·

Brin·gs b·igger and better coll~terals

by Jennifer Gong and Diane Tiao You're sitting in your usual seat at the back of the room listening (or trying to listen) to the class discussion when you feel a light breeze prickle the hairs on the back of your neck. You turn your head slightly to your left and are your eyes playing tricks on you, or is that retired principal Makeme Largeman standing right next to you (though still at eye level) peering (or trying to peer) over your shoulder?

Yes, it's true: Dr. Largeman is back, and staying for good. Dr. Largeman has been preparing for his return since the beginning of March. · He's been sneaking in and out of classrooms and making the faculty and students think he was only "a figment of their imagination."

He said it gave him the "chuckles."

It turns out that his retirement three months ago was a hoax to liven things up in the Harris community. His leave of absence served as away time for him to think of ways to academically better the school as well as give him a break from his role as principal.

With a broad smile, Dr. Largeman said, ·:It [the fake retirement] was lo.ts of fun and I loved seeing everyone's expressions when they saw that I was back, especially those ot the staff."

"I knew it was him! I spotted him gliding down the hallway a few days ago, but I thought .it was all in my head, 'ya know? I can't believe that he's back.

But what I don't get is what's going to happen to the principal we currently

have," sophomore Pete Jenkins said.

In an exlusive inteJview with The Classic, Dr. Largeman revealed that he had contemplated his retirement prank for five months. In his ~pare time, he'd come up with elaborate plans and sketch out his idea. He knew frpm the star!_ that his friend, Tricky Runningman, · would 'play' the role of principal. ''Nobody inside or even associated with the school knew about the plan. It was just the two of us," current principal Runningman said. "I knew I'd get the job. I'm very qualified. I'm also quite charming," he said with a smile.

During his three months away, Dr. Largeman came up with several aca~ demic boosters. He's sure that one of Continued on p. 3

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The Classic April 1, 2001

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Bookbags double as dumbbells Rivalry blossoms into baby boom

by Jessie Chou from the classrooms, the cafeteria and Principal Tricky Runningman the library. "I left my bag on the lunch granted Dean Wanta Givkicks and gym table so I didn't have to carry it on the teacher Robbin Flexwoman a· pardon lunch line. When I got back, it was last Monday, absolving them from all gone," said sophomore Julia Hungry. · charges connected with the disappear- "Thank goodness I wenttoGivkicks' ofance of bookbags this past month. fice. I was surprised to see my bag next The principal's action followed the to her desk. I know now why it was unanimous vote of the Student Council there, but at the moment I didn't really to forgive both physical education teach- . think of the fact that she might have stoers because they had "reasonable rea- · len it." sons for the bookbag thefts." Both teachJunior Shelley Sneaky caught Ms. 1 Ul p up ; ] JJ tq ers said they had in- • . tended to eventually return the bookbags to the students after they had used them. "All ~~~t>-Tr-i~ the weights in the gym were too light for all of us [physical education teachers].

Using the freshman bookbags as substitutes was the only alternative to keep us in shape. There were bags that weighed up to 50 pounds," said Ms. Givkicks in her appeal to the council.

Not everybody, however, a.greed with the council's decision. Organizations like OATS (Organization f\gains_t_Text- , ___. " . .. book Stealers) have already Started to Flex woman in the act on March 20. "My plan protests outside Ms. Givkicks' of- brother was one of the victims of the fice during lunch bands. They feel that bookbag thieves. I couldn't believe that the two teachers should have been given someone could be so cruel to take the a punishment for their crime. "I was most precious item ofa Townsend Harworried about my notes for a whole ris student's life," said Shelley. week. It's incredibly hard to part with Shelley's scheme was to leave an my grammar notes. They [Ms. unguarded bookbag in the library while Flexwoman and Ms. Givkicks] should she hid behind a bookshelf. Ms. pay back those they hurt emotionally," Flexwoman came into the library, took the bag from the desk, and tried to walk said freshman -Giv MiNotes.

Bookbags started tb disappear from away from tbe scene.

Shelley jumped from behind the the gym locker rooms in early March.

Most students didn't Jeel the need to bookcase .and took a snapshot of her lock up their bags and therefore allowed before she could get away. Ms. the thieves easy access to them. "They Flex woman and Ms. Givkicks later con[bookbags] were so heavy. I didn't think fessed to the crip1es, and directed auany person would willingly want to lug thorities to the stash of bookbags located it around school," said freshman Heavie in the office supply room.

There has been no evidence that other Sac. were involved in the crime. Both . parties . The increasing number of thefts teachers will resume their normal tasks forced most ofthe students to'keeptheir gym lockers lock-ed at all times. In mid- on Monday and all book bags will be March, bookbags started to disappear returned by Tuesday.

by Jamie Gullen Recently it seems as if there has·been a surge of pregnant teachers or teachers whose wives are pregnant. There were Rocka Littlechung, Carrie A. Prince, and Bobby Babyboom's wife last year and now this year, Robbin Flexwoman and Mr. Babyboom's wife are pregnant. I~ this a coincidence? Perhaps not! According to members. of the Stryvesant PTA who now feel the need to come clean, the recent baby boom is a conspiracy against Townsend Harris.

Before the opening of Townsend

have children iq~mediately. They achieved this by sending video tapes, labeled as free educational material, to the teachers' houses.

Once the teachers popped the tapes into the VCR, the hypnotic process began. The videos contained before and after images of teachers with babies.

Scenes of unhappy looking teachers grading stacks o~ collaterals were contrasted with those of happy familes with children. Subliminally, the teachers were made to think, "Have a baby. Take a leave of absence and be happy!"

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Thus, they would have an extreme desire to have children. It could only be sent to some of the teachers' houses because it would otherwise look obvious and suspicious.

Those from .Stryvesant thought that if many of the teachers and wives . of teachers were pregnant .at once, they would no longer be able to go to work and would therefore deplete Townsend Harris ofone of the main sources of its success.

The people at Stryvesant overlooked one small detail: Townsend Harris teachers are very resilient. Ms. Prrnce left at the end of last year and she was back for the beginning of this school year. She said, "Why should I take more time off? Of course my baby is important, but so is educating Harrisites in trigonometry and th~ joys of a right triangle."

Ms. Littlechung had her baby over the summ~r and only missed the first-few weeks of schooL Mr. Baby boom hardly took off any time when his baby was born.

Stryvesant's devious plan was unsuccessful.

Several of the Stuyvesant parents and faculty who took part were forced to explain mysterious pregnancies when the tapes had a hypnotic effect on their creators, and Stryvesantteachers began taking extremely. long leaves of absence to have families of their own.

Harris in 1984, Stryvesant High School enjoyed the prestige of being considered the best public high school in New York City: Now, with TownsendHarris's rise, they feel rivalry with Harris over that coveted number I ranking. This was the very thing that drove the PTA of Stryvesant to come up with a plot to weaken Townsend Harris and save its title of number one. They had to be clever and discreet for their plan to work.

Their plari was to hypnotize several teachers and their wives into wanting to

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The Classic

3

April1 ; 2001

Laptops give bookbags the boot Largeman

by Jessica Wang

Textbooks and photocopied handouts flew out classroom windows last Friday, as cheers rang throughout the building.

The cause for the spontaneous celebration was the announcement that slim laptops will be replacing the overloaded school bags that have long become a trademark of I;Iarrisites.

Each student will receive a Greatway laptop in the beginning of May during a special homeroom. These lightweight computers will make the transport of . five textbooks, a dictio- · nary and a large binder to and from school unnecessary.

Greatway Computers agreed to donate 2,000 laptops for this purpose, after Tricky -Runningman, principal, contacted them with a $4,000,000 proposal that would bring Towns.end Rat:ris into : ·- ~ the 21st century. Buya B. Ware, Greatway executive, said, "Although the request that the laptops have electronic dictionaries that - ~n..word&..lik· 'TIMOT' and 'schmear' was strange, we gladly agreed. After all, such a donation will make our company look even more appealipgftfil"'94.SJQm£f_S. Also, it'stax-deductible. " Adamant Stoneage, Coordinator of Student Activities (COSA), .realized that students were carrying too ~uch in their bags when a group of juniors asked him about starting a new club. "The name of the sug-

gested club was Students Punching and Kicking Schoblbags, or SPAKS, for short. They believed that taking out their feelings on their bags was a great stress reliever," he said. Mr. Stoneage immediately went to Mr. Runningman to report his observation.

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twenty-first century, and it's about time we modernize the way we learn. While this school emphasizes the learning and appreciation of the_classics, we have to keep up with the times or else we won't be successful in the real world."

Among the supporters of the new policy are those complain-

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'4ih1 Each student will be required to take a course in laptop repair, courtesy of Greatway.

Those who used the excuse FMy dog ate my hom~wotk~... ; ." would have to replace it with "My computer crashed." Substitute teacher Sonie Knowsitall remarked, "I refuse to handle any of this technological nonsense. Just as we have a VCR t~chnical expert in every class, there better be a laptop technician as well."

Most Harrisites were enthusiastic about the change in school policy. Sophomore .

Feather E. Light said, "It's the

ing about back and shoulder pains from overloaded school bags. Some pointed out that their bags were not only !J~aradGUs. tD" their health, but to the health of others as well.

Freshman Wally Whiner explained! "It's difficult not to hit anyone on a crowded bus or train with your bag if you turn around or even move." Other people remarked that they were tired of being tormented by stqdents from John Clown High School because they could be clearly marked as Harrisites by their unusually large bags.

The switch from textbooks

to laptops also had its opponents. One junior staged a protest in the fourth floor between bands. Appealing to the students and teachers who pass~d her, she argued that replacing heavy bookbags with latops would be breaking a Harris tradition. Wanta Givkicks, Dean, calmly escorted· her out of the hall. As a consolation, the girl will be allowed to make one last run on the stairs from the first floor to the sixth, wearing her school bag, after the laptops are distributed.

"This change will be very disappointing for the students who like being challenged with the three-minute dash to the top floor carrying a thirty-pound bag," Ms. Givkicks commented after the incident.

Some teachers had more personal issues with the laptops. English teacher Mickey Carbonated complained, "There are no Tommy logos on these computers! How can we expect students to be modern, yet unfashionable?" Sci:ence teacher, Howhe Nagsher who is known for his tendency to draw chalk X's on the binders of those who arrive late to class, · was also unhappy about the change. "Drawing X~s in chalk on the surface of laptops doesn~t come out so well as opposed to drawing them on closed notebooks," he said.

Also, there's no fun in dropping iodine on computers, since starch isn't present in them."

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popuilar atnong ,.the Stu,. <;lent&. ..Ies like the oollat· esal," u said, ''but ev~ be.ttei. The 'eollateraJ:,.l.'

I'll ca·lt it. Instead of writ-ing a rep0t:t, •it'ltbe inter-

aeti ve:._ w:h.ere stud41l-ts mustr~dtbeir repotis out

Jll)ud in iU;ont of a video oameJa and act it out! ltTtlbe great, and we''tl have a publie viewing of each ane in the auditodum at the end of.eacktenn.·• AJWther one of IJ:r.

Latgeman 's innovation~ is

a new dietionilJ}' that .lnCllJde.s all the wordS of:tbe English 1-a.i'\guage as .well as special Townsend Hnr-ris lingo, sueq as 'band' and ·sc:hmear.' ..So ~tar, I'v~- completed up to the letter L,'' he said wi(b entbusiaScm: TOe dictionary wi:U l.1e a qmniitatory pur· chase for T~:wnsend Hartis students. and wnt cost $10.99~Dr, Latgernan \Vltl tl:omtte aiJ proftt<S to th'e school, sinceJ he is ~g the. tlctiolt'ary for his "o\Vil plea$u:e."'"'It's a veryail· ftcult task to aooornplisb. but I want all of my smdenots to .have something QniqJie to ~ seh£>:01, an-d Town'Send Fl:aris sboltl'd benefit· hm"it," he said.

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-u•e ~c~onary tselt",.. .....-.. t<O raise ab:eut $JOO per

ctass, ·and the publishett has guaranteed 60% if) roy.ai'tiies ·wiH go to the sch~l.

"It's a shock. I real~y d:lought he was gone ·e,)Clc.ept for the occasional visit, and now he's principal .a,gain t" said Junior S:kete Jacobs.

Not everyone was ex~ ci~ted to .near about the

set at first '''fbe whole time we were interviewing

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hoax., at least initially. Erie Trader1 St-udent Union President and a me~ro'f the C-30 committee which took part in the sel$tio_p proces:s of Mr. ~ Cunningm:an was a bit up-

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pos~ible ,principals wcas a joke". We wQ:Sted a tot of energy doing this. but you

justhavete laugh about it, l guess," he said. Wanta Whipe, an active member of the 'Parent Teachers A~~

sociatien (PTA) an-d C30 committee ~ays she feels as .~f the tinitl,c spent cliQos-

ing a new principal was a ..waste of all Q.ur efforts."

The Classic

·4 Togas travel through time to get to Townsend April 1,2001

· by Danny Bloch Margarine Laundry, teacher of Latin ·and Ancient Greek, ascended to the stage in a long blue dress with a 20foot train carried by five students previously chosen by lot. Ms. Laundry arrived at the pod.ium, placed a pair of rhinestone glasses on her nose, and gave the audience a large smile.

Tne TowsendHarris auditorium was abuzz with excitement last Wednesday evening, as no one knew exactly what to expect. Ms. Laundry began to speak: "Salvete omnes!" she cried happily, the traditional Latin greeting provoking the seated throng to respond, "Salve magistra Laundry!" She then announced the arrival of special guests from Ancient Rome, who would be joining Harrisites for therest of the spring semester.

They were the result of a monumental innovation, time travel. In particular, the assembly would be Townsend Harris' first introduction to a foreign exchange program with Ancient Rome. · Blue and purple crepe paper streamers adorned . the walls, and massive paintings of country and city scenery tottered ominously on strings attached to the stage lights. Crowds of faculty, students, parents, and committee members settled into their seats to witness the spectaCle. After the welcoming, Ms. Laundry gave a thumbs-up sign to the pianist, who proceeded to play Sousa's ''Stars and Stripes Forever." A lone clarinet, played by junior Lotsa ThymeOnmahantz, joined in. The stage lights brightened, and 10 seated teenagers in

white robes appeared.· They were the included a brief autobiography given by the exchange students appeared faslucky few chosen to represent the people each student, translated into English by cinated and rather amused. of Ancient Rome in the student exchange Ms. Laundry and fellow Latin teacher "I wonder if this society is so 'subprogram funded by the renegade tech- Luciano Operasson. Mr. Operasson .servient that they obey without question nological company Consolidated · later serenaded the populus with a se- the commands of their packages and tuMoolah (CM). lection from "Funiculi-funicula," with nics," remarked Adhuc Dormit with .a In 1999, CM devised ·a method of backup by the Townsend Harris gospel grin. "It's quite humorous: a 'dingjng' transporting up to I 0 people at a time choir. sounds and they clench their bags as if from Ancient Rome to current-day they've seen a bandit, " New York, and curr~nt-day New or they slap their pockYork to Ancient Rome. As the ets as if they've been company's na~e suggests, 'L bitten by a giant insect. the original intention The part that really was a get gets me is they then .shout out loud to pobody in particular, while holding close something that looks like a garden tool!"

"0 Tempora, 0 mores!" sighed Ms. Laundry as she watched the unfolding pageant in the seats.

One exchange student, Piscina .

One Harrisite, senior Froot Leeups, Vicina; pleased the crowd with her admitted the ceremony wasn't what she spontaneous use of English. ·~com­ had expected. "Okay, I thought tonight rades! I bring salutations from the ·was Battle of the Bands, but I guess I emperor!" Piscina exclaimed, her was misinformed. Unless these guys are eyes tearing' from the bright the opening act," she said, rolling her spotlight. eyes.

"I very much look forWhen asked if Harrisites would benward to exploring this efit from the exchange, which in reality vast villa," remarked is one-sided as no ·volunteers here .j. ,.,.... aJ. L a c r i m a n s could be found to transport' themselves Appropinquat, with to Ancient Rome, Mr. Operas son rich quick scheme. However, they translation by Ms. Laundry. ·~ Back responded in the affirmative case. "They quickly realized that this was a revolu- home, all :I ever do is roam the fields, . are thrilled to be here, !think; therefore tionary educational tool, and, not un- sleep, and kick around pebbles. It's so I am certain that our students will catch mindful of the publicity, offered it to high boring .. In New York I would like to their enthusiasm and learn a great deal. schools with Latin programs see this street called 'Main', as I've It's terribly exciting," he said.

"I don't kriow how they're goin.g to . We've been waiting to jump on this heard that it's similar to our Appian pass gym in those .ridiculous sandals! bandwagon for ages," explains Latin Way." teacher Gloria Whistle-n-toot. "None of About midway through the cer- Somebody better get these kids some us really understand how the children are emony, a cell phone belongi-ng to an au- Reebox !"warned Qean-Wanta Givkicks. able to come here from a place so an- dience member went off, ringing the "I'm a bit worried that we will have to. cient, but the important thing is · that theme of Gilligan s Island. While those give out more elevator passes to those they're here and we can learn!" seated near the recipient dove into their kids who are going to trip over their togas."

The ceremony on Wednesday night pockets to check if the call was theirs,

M_ath Month make·s·for May m.adness

by Talya Lieberman To the delight of some and the dismay of others, Math Month will be · added to the calendar this May. Modelled after its March predecessor, Vocabulary Month~ students will be expected to learn new concepts daily for a cumulative math test at the end of May. Hardly Rithmetic, Assistant Principal of Mathematics, has been lobbying for this idea.for many years, claiming that the brains of Harrisites are "extremely lopsided" due to the lack of a month dedicated to math: Upon Tricky Runningman's arrival as principal, Mr. Rithmetic escorted him into the hall, and simply pointed to the students rushing by. "I was shocked. So many of the . students were walking around leaning to one side. I saw that the mathem,atical sides of their brains needed to be developed," Mr. Runningman said.

At the end of May, a "mother of all math tests" will be administered that will include 23 mathe~atical concepts

and rules, one for each schoolday of the month. All grades will take the same test, and those who score perfectly ·will receive a Townsend Harris ruler along with a sense of pride and accomplishment.

"I think the addition of Math Month is a .great idea," said sophomore Ivana Math. "Math Month has alliteration, and is therefore appropriate for a m6nth in a Humanities-oriented school." Ivana contends that. learning obscure math concepts will be just as useful as, if not more · useful than, learning esoteric vocabulary words. · Math teacher Ang Lee agrees. "This additional useless math will help students on standardized tests like the SAT, ACT, eveil the GRE's, because those tests are full of things like that," he said.

He also believes that by the time students enter the 12th grade, they are so satiated with words that they don't need to learn any more. "With required classes like Writing Process, Linguistics, and Latin, the students have enough opportunities to learn vocabulary. Math, however, isn't

studied .as extensively and adding this lieve we sh~mld stand our ground and month will help even out the lopsided fight for the exclusive status ofVocabubrains of our children." l¥Y Month," claimed English teacher The new math month will bear some Word Sarfun. resemblance to Vocabulary Month. Just . Some students are .also up in arms. as they propose their favorite words, stu- "I just don't see how enigmatic math dents and teachers will be encouraged skills are any more useful than obscure to submit their favorite theorems and vocabulary words!" says frustrated formulas for the final "Math Master freshman Wats Wrong Withthissehool.

List." "The more variables, the better," There are also those who are completely indifferent to the situation. "I said Mr. Lee. The test promises to be a challenge, just say they get rid of theme months to even for Harrisites. "It will force you avoid all these petty conflicts," says 12th to work faster than even the TI-83 plus grader Bore D. Outofmymind. When plus," said Mr. Rithmetic. Students will asked whether she preferred Math have to "suffer. with the good old ·pen Month or Vocabulary Month, 1Oth and pencil--no sissy calculators," he · grader Apuh Thee expressed the feel-. added. ing of many when she replied, "I don't While some are accepting of Math care."

Despite the outcries, Math Month has 1:fonth, others are adamantly opposed to this addition to the school calendar. been firmly instated and will not be re"I think it's an unprincipled decision on voked. In the meantime, math teachers the part of the authorities. They feel tha.t suggest dusting off those old textbooks just because all the other good high and looking for math concepts that will · schools focus on math, we should im- never be useful. It's time to start prepose more of it on our s_tudents. I be- paring for Math Month.