COMING OUT
Coming out of the closet or simply coming out is a figure of speech for lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender and asexual people’s self-disclosure of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
The aim of this magazine was to take life experience stories from a range of diverse people in the LGBT community and transform their stories into print pieces to bring awareness to the pressures of coming out.
STORY TELLERS
COMING OUT ON TOP
The six individuals that shared their stories for this magazine are all part of the LGBT community. They’ve all come out to their family and friends, each of them sharing their unique take on their sexuality, coming out and reactions of those around them.
Huge thanks to the six people who were comfortable with strangers knowing their life stories Additionally thanks to you, the reader for taking your time to learn about someone’s personal journey.
THANK YOU
CONTENTS 02
SHELBY’S STORY
04
BEN’S STORY
06
TOM’S STORY
08
CAT’S STORY
10
STEVEN’S STORY
12
JAY’S STORY
shelby’s
story
A graphic art and design graduate, she hopes to fulfill a career in animation, film or illustration.
What do you define your sexuality as? I would
probably relate more to being a lesbian, though labels have always been something I’ve struggled with. I’ve come to realise over time that the need for a particular label is more so for others than myself.
When did you first realize you were gay? I started to
realise I might be a bit different from an early age. I remember watching Disney’s The Little Mermaid and couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be Ariel or the Prince (if I was the prince, I could be with Ariel). But it’s only when puberty hit that I began to think about who I was attracted to. I started to realise the difference between wanting to be like the pretty girl on the bus and wanting to be with the pretty girl on the bus.
Tell us about your coming out experience? I came out
Did anything influence you to come out? It can be very lonely keeping something secret when it’s a part of who you are. I knew I had to talk to someone about it – there’s only so much conversation you can have in your own head before your mind becomes a mess. A problem shared is a problem halved hey? But the best part about telling my friends was realising it wasn’t a problem at all.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? Coming out to my friends felt quite natural, we were all incredibly close and used to talking about personal things I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else. It was harder and a bigger deal talking to my parents about it, being their only child gave me an overwhelming sense of guilt, like I’d failed something.
Do you have any regrets to different people in my life at coming out to anyone? different times and even today, Have you ever experienced homophobia? I’ve yet to come out to certain people (like my grandparents). I told my close friends first and my parents about a year or so after. It’s fair to say my friends reacted far more welcomingly. I remember being sat on the field at lunchtime, we were about 14 and every day we’d find ourselves having in-depth personal talks. I decided to just go for it and explain how I was feeling. Chances have it, I wasn’t the only queer one. I felt lucky to have such a close knit group of friends, with open minds and warm hearts.
I have absolutely no regrets so far. Even with certain family members where I’d braced myself for a negative reaction, I’d been pleasantly surprised by their open arms. Whilst my experiences with coming out have, for the main part, been positive, I’m aware of how badly it can turn for some people. For this, I’m grateful to have a wonderful selection of friends and a supportive, understanding family unit.
“In a perfect world, I don’t think coming out should be a necessity. I’d like to think it might be something that naturally obvious to people, like dropping it in conversation and no one would bat an eyelid.”
How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? My mom took it
quite hard in the beginning, but so did I. When I told her, she cried - which made me cry. There was a lot of tears all round, really. My dad then tried make me feel better by telling me how normal it is for teenagers to go through confusing phases – it didn’t make me feel better. In the beginning I don’t think they quite believed it would be a lasting thing, but I’m 23 now and they’ve become very supportive of who I am. It just takes a bit of time for parents to get used to the idea - after all, it really doesn’t change who you are, you’ll always be their baby.
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? I’d like to say
no. If someone’s opinion has changed because of that, I wouldn’t know. Luckily, I haven’t had close people in my life reject me because of sexuality and those who have had negative feelings about it, haven’t been important figures in my life.
How did your lifestyle change after coming out? I don’t know if my lifestyle changed so much since coming out. I did became more open in conversation when it came down to relationships and sex.
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality? At
first, yes. I didn’t want to be different in any way and had the idea that life would be a lot harder for me, if I wasn’t straight. I’d been told by older generations that it’s a “lonely life” or “you’ll never be able to have kids”. Hearing this scared me, until I realised it was just nonsense.
02
Ben’s
story
A final year graphic design student, he wants to pursue a career in character design for media.
“It’s totally 100% necessary, you’re not being fair to yourself or the others around you if you’re forcing yourself to be the person that you are or the person that you think you need to be in order to keep other people happy. It’s your life so why would you lie to yourself for your whole life?” What do you define your sexuality as? I am a gay man.
Tell us about your coming out experience? My coming
out experience was relatively stress free, at first I told When did you first realize everyone I was bi-sexual as you were gay? I didn’t kind of a stepping stone necessarily realise I was gay at towards my true sexuality, first, when I was 13 years old I and when I told my family they just broke up with yet honestly weren’t all that another girlfriend in high surprised. I mean a kid who school (although I seriously wears a bright yellow Kylie doubt holding hands on the Minogue t-shirt on sports day way home from school really at school isn’t necessarily counts as a relationship), I was going to be the most always the one that was being masculine macho man in dumped. The main reason that existence now is it? always came up whenever I got dumped was that “you’re How did your lifestyle not manly enough”, which at change after coming out? the time I took great offence to Since I came out during the this but it also got me middle of high school, the only thinking why that was. Around thing that really changed was that time, I was just starting how people perceived me, I to discover new things about didn’t change myself or how myself. So I was curious to try I acted in the slightest. The something gay and lets just only slight “bumps in the road” say that the experiment was was during PE at school in the proven a success! changing rooms, where every single guy in there thought Did anything influence you that I was checking them out to come out? Nothing really and that I wanted to sleep with influenced me to be honest every living male under the with you, I knew right away sun, but I quickly put them in that if I be honest with myself their place and I became more then the people I come out to respected in school. will be just as honest back.
Who did you tell first and how did they react? I told
my brother Jack first, out of all the people in the world I feel the most comfortable around him since we’re practically inseparable. He was completely okay with all and he was honestly surprised that I came to him first, he thought I was going to tell my mum first.
Do you have any regrets coming out to anyone? Have you ever experienced homophobia? Of course I don’t, why would I? I did experience homophobia through high school but I’ve never let it bother me. It was mostly just immature people who use ‘faggot’ and ‘gay boy’.
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality? Not really, no. It’s quite funny looking back at it now, I just think to myself “so THAT’S why I was so bad with women”!
How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? Like I said before
my family weren’t all that surprised when I came out, in fact most of them saw it coming. The only things I struggled with was coming out to my dad and the issues I had with my older brother Sam. Sam came out of the closet about five years before I did, and I knew that he came out to everyone, including our dad. Despite the fact that I knew my dad would be okay with it, I was still nervous about telling him since he was the stereotypical sports loving Dad. He found out from my mum, sat me down and told me that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I could tell him anything. He was proud of the courage I showed.
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? A close friend
was struggling to understand the concept of homosexuality at the time. He couldn’t see why people could love someone of the same gender or would want to. To him love was between a man and a woman. He just wasn’t comfortable around homosexuality. He was the last person I came out to, he took it well and ever since his outlook has changed drastically.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? It was both a big
deal and natural at the same time, I could finally be myself and I didn’t care anymore about how people perceived me or my sexual identity. 04
Tom’s
story
A final year student studying web technologies, after graduating, he will look for a career in digital marketing.
What do you define your sexuality as? I identify as a gay man.
When did you first realize you were gay? I realised
I was gay when I was quite young, around about the age of 8. My parents would work similar shifts so they left me with a child-minder and their son whom, even at my young age, I realised I was attracted to. Being at an age where I barely understood the concept of romantic attraction of any kind, it both confused and frightened me; like any child would, I hid from it. As I got older and the end of high school approached I began to learn about sexuality which brought back the old feelings of confusion.
Tell us about your coming out experience?
Like many people I came out in stages, because I was so uncomfortable with myself. First. I came out to my friends, specifically the ones that weren’t close to any of my relatives. I found it difficult to bring up the topic and avoided whenever people asked why they never met any of my girlfriends. It wasn’t until I had accepted it myself that I finally came out to the people I really cared about, my family.
Did anything influence you to come out? Nothing really influenced me to come out, I just became more aware and comfortable with my identity. I’d say people bullying me at high school and constantly asking if I was gay was one of the first things that actually made me question myself.
“Coming out is always going to be complicated, it’s either going to go perfectly or it’ll be a complete disaster. As long as the people you love still love you, why does it matter?” How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? Like I said before
it took me a long time to come out to my family and even now there are still distant relatives that don’t know. Although I have two cousins who came out before me, I still felt pressured to open up about my sexuality. The first person I came out to in my family was my aunt. As I lost my mum at a young age, I’ve always seen her as a maternal figure. When I finally opened up, she hugged me and told me that she had had her suspicions for some time. I found it a lot harder to come out to my dad, I choose to do it before he left for a holiday so he would have a few weeks away to think about it, he turned to me and said “well duh, I already know”. My dad has always been accepting of my sexuality, his only fear of his son being gay was that he’ll never get grandchildren. My mum died when I was young so I obviously never came out to her and I actively avoided coming out with grand parents on my mother’s side because they had homophobic views and I was terrified of how they would of reacted. Now my entire extended family are fully aware that I’m gay and welcome my boyfriend and I with open arms.
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? When I came out to my group to friends, Who did you tell first and a few of them turned their how did they react? The backs because they were first person I officially came against my sexuality. Sine out was my best friend, he had then I’ve learnt to toughen no idea but wassupportive, myself from homophobic his only reply was “Okay! Let’s views. find you a boyfriend then!”
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality? It
took a while to accept my sexuality because I’d suppressed from such a young age. I had it in my head that it wasn’t right and bullying cemented the self doubt. It took a long time to feel comfortable with myself and the idea of being with men, until I found people at college who were in similar situations. How did your lifestyle change after coming out? After coming out officially, I became more confident with myself. When I went to university, I joined the LGBT society and became involved in the community which helped to make more friends as well as educate myself about the different sexualities and gender identities.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? It always depended on the social situation for me, once I was comfortable with my sexuality I was happy telling strangers but I was still hiding it from my family. When I actually came out to my family, it felt like a weight had been lifted because I wasn’t hiding myself anymore and was free to openly date whoever I wanted.
Do you have any regrets coming out to anyone? Have you ever experienced homophobia? I’ve lost friends from coming out and had people complain about my sexuality but I’m not bothered by a stranger’s comment now because I’m happy with my sexuality.
06
cat’s
story
A graduate of graphic design, she is currently working retail while hoping to find a career in design.
What do you define your sexuality? I either define my
sexuality as bisexual or to the more informed on sexuality I would define myself as pansexual/demisexual. Pansexual is where you’re basically genderblind and it doesn’t factor in whatsoever to who you’re attracted to and demisexual is where you can only be attracted to someone who you have a strong emotional bond with (or at least have gotten to know their personality), I tend not to tell people about these relatively new sexualities because I’ve found people are less accepting of them.
When did you first realize you were pan/demisexual? Around
Year 8 of secondary school I’d say, realised that I wasn’t attracted to people like the average teenager was. Everybody seemed in a race to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and I just did not see the big deal. To be honest I wasn’t overly attracted to anyone until I hit the age of 16 and that’s when I realised I was definitely attracted to both, but it wasn’t until I went to university that I realised that I don’t become attracted to someone unless I have formed some sort of bond or friendship first.
How did your lifestyle change after coming out?
Weirdly enough nothing really changed that much, people had pretty much always assumed that I was lesbian. So for people that didn’t care in the first place it didn’t bother them and for the people that were bothered, they’re taunts and abuse were actually valid now.
Tell us about your coming out experience?
I sort of came out in 3 stages, to my friends then to my siblings and then finally to my parents and this was over the course of years. I came out to my friends in year 9 and luckily and also strangely pretty much all my friends came out too. Apparently we really do find strength in numbers. I came out to my siblings drunkenly on my 18th birthday and I came out to my parents while watching TV when I was 20 when they suddenly asked me if I was gay and I replied “I’m not straight” and that was that.
How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? My brother and
sister were completely fine with it as was my mother. My dad was ‘fine’ with it, I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s a phase even though I am now 22. I don’t think he will really believe it until I introduce them to a girlfriend and then we shall find out what he really thinks.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? Wasn’t a big deal
at all, I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and always will be. It’s a none issue for me.
“Coming out always depends on the situation, where you live or how open your family and peers are to sexuality, but in general I think coming out is a necessity once you’re fully ready. ”
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality? I
never found it hard, confusing maybe as everyone around me (minus my very close friends) weren’t like me. Especially with the added difficulty that as well as liking the same gender, I also struggle with being attracted to people in general, which then confuses future date prospects. But I have always just thought of it as something that makes me who I am, I have never struggled with that.
Did anything influence you to come out? Nothing really
influenced me per say, just that it was obviously a huge relief when all my close friends came out at the exact same time. A lot easier that way. I think it was just the overall pressure of thinking “Am I normal?” – every teenagers worry.
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? If you take away
the strange men and some of my male friends in general finding it hot/arousing when I told them, then no I don’t think so.
Do you have any regrets coming out to anyone? Have you ever experienced homophobia? No definitely not, my coming out stories are a cake walk compared to some peoples so no. No regrets. The only thing I would say is do it sooner and own the hell out of it and not care what anyone though. I have however experienced homophobia whether to myself personally or to my friends around me. The words dyke and faggot have been thrown around on many many occasions.
08
steven’s
story
A first year games design student, aspiring to be a university lecturer as well as a freelance artist.
“I feel that differing sexualities should be accepted as the norm then people wouldn’t fear being ostracised for coming out. Bringing home a same sex partner should never be a revelation.” What do you define your sexuality as? I identify as homosexual.
When did you first realize you were gay? I was around the age of 10.
Who did you tell first and how did they react? The
first people I told were my two closest friends, their initial reaction was skepticism. However, they were making sure I wasn’t making rash decisions due to the break up with my ex-girlfriend. As time went on they revealed that they weren’t surprised when I came out and said the signs were always there but they waited for me to finally accept myself.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? It didn’t feel as huge
as I thought it would. The only time it hit me was when a family member I hadn’t seen for a while asked if I had a boyfriend yet, it dawned on me who I was and that there was no need to lie about it. Some times little things make me look back and I just think ‘Wow, I don’t have to hide that now’ and a huge wave of relief comes over me.
Do you have any regrets coming out to anyone? Have you ever experienced homophobia?
My only regret is not coming out sooner. The only homophobia I have experienced was when I went on a date and turned to a gang waiting for me. I still don’t feel safe holding my partner’s hand in the street regardless of the current gay rights.
Did anything influence you to come out? The worst
part about being in the closet was lying. Lies are easy to tell when their small, but when you lie about who you are as a person you realise that everything you have ever done or said is a lie. That kind of lie weighs on you in a way that can only be experienced. When that weight becomes to much to bear you either let go and rise to the surface or hang on and get dragged down, living a life that isn’t yours but a life that other people want for you. Breaking out of a long term relationship spurned me to let go and I have never been happier. Unfortunatley I wasn’t as classy as I’d like to be and came out via accidentally revealing my relationship status on facebook.
Tell us about your coming out experience?
When I first realised I was gay I felt ashamed, I would try to hide it as best I could and forced myself to act straight. As I was uneducated about homosexuality I thought that there was something wrong with me, the schoolyard used the term ‘gay’ as an insult which led me to feel less than human. As I time went on I began to accept the way I was and came out as bisexual but during this time I was in a seven-year long relationship with a girl while still hiding my homosexuality. Finally, the relationship ended and I had the courage to stop hiding and come out to who I really was.
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality? Yes, during my school years, people bullied me into believing gay was a bad thing. In the future I also wanted to have children and because of my poor knowledge of “gay” I thought that I would never get the family I’ve always wanted.
How did your lifestyle change after coming out? I became happier and more open. Initially I was very experimental with my sexuality, trying new things and completely changing my wardrobe. However, I soon realised I wasn’t a different person out of the closet than in, this led me to be more comfortable about who I am.
How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? My parents were
initially upset, worried that it would be a harder life for me but they are more than accepting of who I am. The rest of the family accepted it as a normal development in my life. I’m thankful that my parents didn’t make a big deal of the whole thing. I hear all these stories of proud parents painting their houses for the LGBT children and just feel that blowing it up like that is more damaging than helpful when it comes to homosexuality becoming the norm.
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? What I was told
when I asked the only thing that had changed about me was who I get in bed with and that does not change me as a person. Being gay does not define who I am. A distant relative jokingly asked ‘Do I shake your hand or give you a kiss’ and I just told them that it didn’t matter to me, I assure you I’m fantastic at both.
10
Jay’s
story
An academic tutor of Radio at the University of Sunderland and creator of an award winning podcast.
What do you define your sexuality as? I’m a gay man. That being said, I’m embracing gender fluidity. I don’t like binary gender categories.
When did you first realise you were gay? I realised I was gay was when I was 12. I’ve always been attracted to guys and I enjoyed the PE training rooms a little bit too much.
Tell us about your coming out experience? It was overwhelmingly positive. The reactions were never of shock. They were always positive; apart from the one guy who told me I was going to hell. Whatever, I’d resigned myself to that years prior. But my friends were really caring, and I really enjoyed the experience to be honest.
Did anything influence you to come out? At the end of year 9, we were gearing up to singing in the end of year choir; and I was sat next to this year 7 student called Alex. He told me that he was gay. And I was so shocked by him; how easily he said it. How he was so young, and how he was so confident in admitting it. And after years of keeping it close to my chest, I thought “Why am I hiding it too?”
Did you ever find it hard to accept your sexuality?
At first, yeah. I was a Christian kid, and I suppose being gay (and being vegetarian) were the factors that pulled me out of the church. I’d just always been brought up to thinking being gay wasn’t natural, and tried to curb it at one point. Nah. It didn’t take long to accept it within myself but telling people was another thing.
“I’m pround of the world we live in now. No-one cares so much if you’re gay, it’s not as big as thing anymore. It’s almost sad, in a way, because I enjoyed the theatricality of coming out to person by person.” How did your lifestyle change after coming out?
It changed a lot, actually. I told person after person, starting with close friends of course, friend after friend after friend. Then one Thursday, I made the mistake of telling the kid I sat next to in biology class, Ashley. The next day, everyone knew, the whole year group. And instantly, I went from being the uncool to being the sole out gay kid. I went from largely ignored to respected. And I loved that transition, so much.
How did your family react when they learned of your sexuality? Good and bad. I
came out to my dad first, accidentally; he badmouthed a camp looking person in the town centre, and I remember being so mad at him for that. I said something like “that’s offensive to me too”. Silence. We kept walking, and didn’t talk. We didn’t talk as we crossed town to the car park, didn’t talk on the drive back home. I didn’t see him for a couple weeks after that. Then suddenly everything turned back to normal and now he jokes about it, all the time. My mum thought it was a phase until I turned 17. That was a less good experience. She took it as best as she could, but I don’t think we were really happy in the same house, not properly anyway. I love my mum, but there were so many times I hated living with her for those four years before university.
Who did you tell first, and how did they react? I told
Alex, then and there, sat on the wooden bench at the edge of the sports hall. And honestly, he acted nonchalantly. He was like “yeah, cool”. That was it.
Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? Oh yeah, it was
totally a big deal, every time! From every instance I geared myself up to telling friends in school, feeling like it was the biggest confession in the world, to the time when I told my crush from the caravan site in Flamborough and we laid together on the beach and it turned dark.
Has anyone’s opinions of you changed since you came out? Like I said, I was mostly met with positive reactions. No matter how worried I was someone was going to change their mind about me, it was rarely a surprise.
Do you have any regrets coming out to anyone? Have you ever experienced homophobia?
Aside from that one kid who said I was going to hell? I went to Sunday school for a while, on and off, until I realised it definitely wasn’t for me. But any regrets? No, no regrets. I don’t regret anything from coming out. And I’d happily turn back time and do it all again.
12
TELL US YOUR STORY ON TWITTER @COOTMAGAZINE