Everything Must Go! by Huntington Theatre Company

Everything Must Go! by Thom Dunn

Current Revisions August 9, 2009

Thom Dunn 10 Westerly Street #1, Jamaica Plain MA 02130 203-645-2073

EXT. LAWN - DAY A beach chair, positioned for optimum lounging comfort, sits in the center of the lawn. Beside the beach chair is a makeshift lemonade stand. The lawn is littered with a wild myriad of household objects; the personal sentiments typical of a garage sale offerings are present, with the addition of several unexpected personal affects. There are signs scattered throughout, offering abstract concepts and intangible objects for seemingly arbitrary bargain prices. These signs should include at least the following: Virginity, dignity, sense of humor, sense of wonder (only slightly used), 20/20 vision, Good Health, youthful idealism, ambition, a wage-slave 40hour work week, vacuous smiles, etc. A large hand-painted banner hangs above the sale, advertising, “Garage Sale. Saturday. EVERYTHING MUST GO!” As the lights go up, we find MIKE, a slacker in his mid-20s, standing and conversing with a potential CUSTOMER. A STRANGE MAN, probably named WALTER or ZEKE or something, sifts through the rest of the sale, mostly keeping to himself but still curious in his demeanor. CUSTOMER You want me to pay you for your job? MIKE It’s actually a pretty good deal if you think about it. Jobs are hard to come by with the economy and all. Besides, you can’t make money if you don’t spend money, you know? CUSTOMER It says “wage-slave.” That mean it don’t pay good? You want me to pay you thirty bucks for a job that don’t pay good? MIKE Well yeah. You’ll still make that money back in like...what, like three and a half hours? Well more like or 5, after taxes. But then you’re set. Plus it comes with a free fake smile. Can’t beat that now, can you? (Mike flashes him a fake smile) “Thanks for shopping.” Come on, that’s pretty nice.

Alright, I’ll take it.

CUSTOMER MIKE Great, let’s get that wrapped up for you. Mike retrieves the sign, and with it, grabs a standard work uniform, complete with hat and khaki pants, as well as a name tag and swipe card. MIKE Just be careful. It’s a pretty heavy burden to carry. Make sure you bend at the knees when you lift. That thing weighs like a thousand kilograms. CUSTOMER What the fuck’s a kilogram? Exactly.

MIKE (The Customer braces himself and takes the package from Mike. He struggles with its immense weight for a moment, but finally gets a good grip and starts to leave.) Oh, and just so you know, all sales are final, there are no refunds or exchanges. Thanks for shopping! Mike takes a seat in his lounge chair as the man leaves. On the way out, the Customer trips and falls under the weight of his recent purchase, and struggles to pick it back up and leave. Mike ignores him and reads a magazine. Meanwhile, the Strange Man finally settles on an item of interest. He holds it in his hand and calls out: STRANGE MAN Excuse me. How much is this? (beat) Hello? Sir? How much does this cost? No response. Frustrated, the man approaches Mike and grabs his shoulder to get his attention, but only succeeds in startling him. Excuse me-

STRANGE MAN

What!

MIKE STRANGE MAN I’ve been trying to get your attention for several minutes now and you’ve continued to ignore me. MIKE Okay, one, that was not several minutes. You asked like, twice for my help. And two, I was not ignoring you, I wasSo you did hear me?

STRANGE MAN MIKE No-Yes, but I just, no, ‘cause I was busy, so-How can I help you? STRANGE MAN I wanted to know how much you were asking for this. MIKE Oh, that? That’s uh, that’s four doll-Five? Yeah, no that’s four dollars. Yeah. STRANGE MAN It says two dollars on the price tag. MIKE Well then it’s two dollars. Why are you asking if you already know the price? The Strange Man turns away from Mike and continues his search through the sale. Annoyed, Mike sits back down and picks his magazine up. A WOMAN walks by. She stops for a moment and does a double-take at one of the For Sale signs on the lawn. She eyes it curiously for a moment, and then continues on her way. Mike watches her. STRANGE MAN (with a new item) How much is this? MIKE What’s it say on the tag? Seven dollars.

STRANGE MAN MIKE Well then it’s seven dollars.

STRANGE MAN How do you know I’m not lying? Maybe it says thirty and I’m only telling you that it says seven. You wouldn’t know because you’re not even looking at me! SPENCER, a male around the same age as Mike, enters unnoticed. MIKE (turning to the Man) But I would know how much it costs once you paid me for it. STRANGE MAN How do you know I’m not going to sneak away with it when you’re not paying attention? MIKE Because you’re about as fast and stealthy as a three-toed sloth with genital warts. Are you gonna buy something or not? The Strange Man returns to explore the garage sale. Mike notices Spencer. MIKE This fucking guy has been here for like 3 hours and he won’t stop asking stupid questions, like how much everything costs. SPENCER You having a tag sale or something? Garage sale, yeah. What’s the difference?

MIKE SPENCER MIKE I don’t know. It’s a garage sale. That’s just what it is. SPENCER But you don’t have a garage, so actually ouldn’t that technically make it a yard sale? MIKE Shut the fuck up. Do you want some lemonade? It’s on the house. Sure.

SPENCER Mike pours the lemonade. Meanwhile, the Strange Man approaches again.

STRANGE MAN Excuse me, do you have any more dignity?

Hold on

MIKE (to Spencer) (to Strange Man) No, sorry. Eight ounces is all I have left. (to Spencer) There’s some Vodka in the cooler if you want. STRANGE MAN I saw 12 ounces for the same price just last week. MIKE Where’d you see 12 ounces of dignity for twenty bucks? STRANGE MAN Some guy was selling it. MIKE Yeah? Who? Where was he selling it? A man. At a store. Well did you buy it?

STRANGE MAN MIKE STRANGE MAN No. He wouldn’t take AmEx. MIKE Ah, see? If that guy actually had 12 ounces for sale at that price, I bet it’s long gone now. You can keep shopping, but I guarantee this is the best price you’re gonna find. If you want some dignity, you’d better act fast. I will think about it.

STRANGE MAN SPENCER You’re selling your...dignity? For twenty dollars? MIKE Not all of it. Just 8 ounces. Which, you know, is all I’ve got left at this point, but still. SPENCER Mike, you of all people can not afford to sell that, especially not at that price.

MIKE Why the hell not? Everything must go, man. Besides, I can use the cash. For what!

SPENCER MIKE Second chance cash, man. I’m getting rid of the me you knew, and using the money to buy a new one. You’re serious.

SPENCER MIKE I’m serious. Of course I’m serious. SPENCER And next you’re gonna tell me this has nothing to do with Jeny, huh? MIKE (beat) No. It’s got everything to do with her. SPENCER Man, how much longer are you gonna let her get to you? MIKE You don’t think I would’ve moved on by now, or done something else if I could? Love is a credit card, man. SPENCER Love is a credit card. Do you hear yourself? What the fuck does even mean, ‘Love is a Credit Card’? That’s like the most retarded simile I have ever-MIKE Okay, first of all, it’s a metaphor. Second--yeah, Spencer, I’m serious. In love, we all want something bigger, something better, more beautiful than we should be able afford, right? So we make payments in installments, anyway way we can, til it’s finally ours. Do you have any idea how much debt I’ve racked up? It’s too much. And I can’t afford the payment plan, not anymore. My heart’s stock market is about to crash, and there’s not a bail out plan that can help. It’s too late for that. It’s like I’ve got a junked car in the yard and I’m still paying out the ass for it even though it won’t run, so I’m selling it. It, and everything else. And I’ll take that money and I’ll, you know, I’ll start fresh somewhere. I’ll start new.

The Woman re-enters, eyeing a few specific items for sale. SPENCER You sound like an idiot. Thanks.

MIKE Spencer looks at the offer for “Surname/Family History.” Selling your name, too?

SPENCER MIKE Just the last name. Too much baggage attached. It’s like we’re given this three-hundred-year burden right as soon as we’re born, you know? It’s not fair. We didn’t ask for it. I don’t want to have to suffer or answer for anything my parents did, or their parents did. I’m done with that. But there’s some people, they really want that family connection, that bond, and I can offer them that. Wow... What?

SPENCER MIKE SPENCER I honestly can’t tell if this is the most ingenious scheme I ever heard of, or you’ve gone off the deep end. The Woman approaches Mike from behind. Fuck off. Excuse me?

MIKE WOMAN MIKE (startled) Oh! Um, hi. Sorry. How can I help you? WOMAN I’m curious about the Virginity you have for sale over there. MIKE Mm, excellent choice. What about it?

WOMAN Am I paying to take someone’s virginity, or do I pay to get mine back? Also, is it for a man, or a woman? MIKE Is what for a man or a woman? WOMAN Is it a man’s virginity, or a woman’s virginity? And suppose I’m buying mine back, do I still receive the same physical advantages? MIKE Oh, oh. Yeah. Right. I gotcha. Yeah it’s all included in the package. WOMAN Okay. So...man or woman? Oh. Uh, both, actually. Both? It’s uh, unisex.

MIKE WOMAN MIKE WOMAN Okay. Not transgendered though, right? Uh. No?

MIKE WOMAN Huh. Okay. And you’re sure it works? MIKE Ohh, absolutely. Satisfaction guaranteed! Or not-satisfaction guaranteed, anyway... You’re still a virSh. Making a sale.

SPENCER MIKE WOMAN Hrm. I don’t know. The price is a little steep. MIKE Well, what’s it worth to you? Clearance, you know. Everything must go. Gimme your best offer.

One fifty.

WOMAN MIKE Sold. And if you want you can take it on a date with me, too. Sorry. I’m gay.

WOMAN MIKE That’s cool. I’m into that. Will that be cash or credit? (Glaring, she hands him cash) Thanks. You’re all set. Enjoy your second virginity! SPENCER That was a pretty shitty false advertising stunt you just pulled. What do you mean?

MIKE SPENCER You just sold her something you don’t even have. Not only are you bartering in abstract concepts and intangible objects, now you’re selling things that don’t exist at all! Maybe you should try to find work on Wall Street. Inside speculator scoop says there’s a big boom coming for the virgins. (beat) That didn’t come out right. MIKE Yeah. That’s what she said, alright. Mike returns to his lawn chair. SPENCER Wait. Mike? You’re not still, are you? Not what?

MIKE SPENCER I mean, are you still aMIKE Well, not anymore! I just lost it. To a lesbian, no less. SPENCER You mean...after all the shit she put you through, theYes.

MIKE

10.

SPENCER -cheating how many times, andYes.

MIKE SPENCER -and when she lied about beingYes. -and the stealing fromYES.

MIKE SPENCER MIKE SPENCER But how could she lie about being pregnant if you neverMIKE I KNOW, Spencer. I know. SPENCER (beat) You seriously never had fuck with her? MIKE Did you just ‘had fuck’? SPENCER You know, like had sex. Not even once? No. Not even a little bit?

MIKE SPENCER MIKE What do you mean ‘a little bit?’ How do you have sex someone ‘a little bit?!’ SPENCER I don’t know, like just the tip? No, Spencer. Wow. (beat) That sucks, dude.

MIKE SPENCER

11.

Yeah.

MIKE SPENCER Seriously. I mean if I were you, I probably would’ve killed myself by now. Thanks, Spencer.

MIKE SPENCER No, that’s a good thing! I’m saying like, if I were you and not me I would have killed myself. But I’m not, and you haven’t killed yourself, so you’re doing better than I’d be doing if I were you. Like, actually you. (beat. Mike glares at Spencer and walks away) SPENCER So you still got that Delorean out back you fixed up? MIKE Yeah, I do. And don’t even think about telling me I should time travel with the Delorean and try to get her back, orSPENCER What? No. I was wondering if you were selling it. MIKE Oh. Oh yeah. Everything must go. I’ll even give you the employee discount. Sick!

SPENCER (Spencer moves excitedly towards the car/exit, then stops and turns back to Mike) Hey. Come on. Cheer up. Where’s that good old fashioned Mike Kelley confidence everybody loves? MIKE Over there with the abstracts and intangibles. It’s a package deal. Comes with my ambition. 2-for-1 type thing. Really?

SPENCER MIKE For you, I’ll even throw in a sense of humor. Free of charge. Limited time offer. Supplies are limited, and all that. SPENCER Wicked! Thanks a lot, man. I owe you a beer or something.

12.

MIKE Don’t worry about it. Really. Spencer snags the two abstract idea signs before bounding excitedly off to check out the car. Mike does not watch him go, but instead collapses in his beach chair. Everything must go.

MIKE While Mike’s back is turned, the Strange Man moves towards the abstract/intangible signs, and steals two signs: “Hope” and “Sense of Wonder (slighty used).” As he sneaks away, another sign grabs his attention: “20/20 Vision.” He glances around to make sure no one’s looking, takes the sign, and leaves. Suddenly, Mike starts to squint, as if he can’t see very well and is trying to re-focus his eyes. Black out.