THE NORTH COAST’S #1 CHOICE OF PADDY & MURPHY! AN ODE TO COSTAMBAR (To the tune of The Monkee’s) Hey hey we’re Costambar And people always put us down But we’re too busy drinking To let it make us frown! Hey hey we’re Costambar A crazy little North Coast town The people who all live here Make a joyful sound! Hey hey we’re Costambar And characters abound But no one takes any notice And it’s gained us much renown! Hey hey we’re Costambar Why not come around Just don’t let the road here Give you a meltdown! INSIDE What’s Happening Auntie Social Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Listings Cable TV Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page Dominican Republic Map AND LOTS OF OTHER FUN STUFF!
Page 6 - CM has the proof that global warming is really happening! Page 8 - CM make mistakes but not like these! Page 15 - Top 10 Doggie Peeves!
WHERE ARE WE?? You can find copies of Costambar Monthly at the following locations: COSTAMBAR Jenny’s Market Loase Resort Pascual Fast Food
PUERTO PLATA Supermercado Tropical Sam’s Bar & Grill The Meeting Place
LAS ROCAS Los Tres Cocos
VILLAS COFRESI Los Dos
COFRESI Desperado’s
LUPERON Banegra’s Marine Store
AVAILABLE ONLINE!! www.costambarmonthly.com
Costambar Monthly page 2
WHAT TO DO THIS MONTH! Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Like Australian Lamb, Imperial Duck Breast or French Lamb Rack - just to name a few. Call 809-993-4503 for details.
Loase Resort is available for weddings, birthdays, spiritual or self improvement groups. Look for classes in meditation and yoga or workout with racquetball, handball or wallyball. Wireless internet, big screen movies and concerts. Los Dos in Villas Cofresi offers German-French cuisine and a special Crepes Menu. Every Wednesday enjoy free house wine with every prawn menu item ordered. And for March 1st to 6th from 11am to 8pm Brahma Grandes are only RD$55!! Ask about other specials!! Pascual Fast Food on Costambar Beach invites you to enjoy their Beach Party every Friday from 7pm. There is activities, surprises, Karaoke by HI5 and bonfires! Admission is free and BBQ is available for RD$200. Free snacks during Happy Hour! And check out their amazing menu! Great food on the beach! Sam’s Bar & Grill is under new management! Come out and say hi to Texas Bobby and see what his exciting new plans are! Sundays is BBQ Day with ribs or chicken and fixins’ and everyday is All Day Breakfast! Open daily from 8am until.... In the mood for Mexican? Then pass by Desperado’s Mexican Cantina. Yummy Mexican dishes, great ocean views and ice cold beer doesn’t get better! New in Puerto Plata is The Meeting Place! This is your source for popular novels, children’s book & guidebooks! And they also specialize in books with DR related content! If you are looking for something different to do, March 24-27 they are showcasing a Quilt Exhibit! And for a limited time if you mention that you saw their ad in Costambar Monthly you will receive a free Rachel Ray Cookbook with a RD$500 purchase!!
IF I HAD A HAMMER I’D GET HAMMERED IN THE MORNING I’D GET HAMMERED IN THE EVENING ALL OVER THIS LAND...
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CLASSIFIED ADS FOR SALE 2007 Nissan Tilda, bought new in 2009, only 4500 kms, 2yr warranty, perfect condition, leather seats. US$17000 negotiable Call 809-988-1322 FOR SALE HAIR STRAIGHTENERS: Corioliss. Ceramic. Look and work similar to GHD's. Imported from US. RRP $200. Boxed, barely used sets available at RD$1,500. Call John 809-401-1402 FOR SALE Fully adjustable portable basketball system with 48 inch shatter guard xl backboard like new by Lifetime World Class.( Cost 330.00 US) 10,000 pesos or best offer. Call Ray @ 809-261-6878 FOR SALE 1999 Toyota Super Custom Limited Hiaci Wagon (Mini Van) .Very comfortable for 7/9 passengers. EFI Diesel Turbo 6 cyl., automatic,3 sun roofs. Air conditoned. 169,000 KM. Good condition, well maintained. Very elegant, exterior color is ivory with grey trim, interior is deep red corduroy. Offer at 170,000 RD. Contact Julio at cellular 1-829-272-6642 or 809-970-7544. Email Julio.cofresi@gmail.com FOR SALE GPS Navigation for Dominican Republic, all the Highways, Streets and Road on the entire Island, Points of Interest Software only for DR $125,00 US works on all Garmin GPS units Software & New Garmin GPS Unit $275.00 US Includes Dominican Republic, USA, Puerto Rico, & Canada maps www.grundie.com/gps 809-543-0728 info@grundie.com FOR SALE Satellite Dish: 5,000 pesos Gas Refrigerator: 12,500 pesos Chevrolet Pick up Truck: 350,000 pesos Call 809-320-1441 or email dianepellerin@yahoo.com FOR SALE 15HP Johnson outboard motor. Short shaft,good runner, US$800 Call cel. 809-449-1819
AND NOT THE CLASSIFIEDS! 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog - able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Looks like a rat.. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Must sell washer and dryer ÂŁ100.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie..
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything. Costambar Monthly classified ads are free But can only be placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca Or calling 809-449-1820
PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.
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Dear Auntie Social: I’m thinking of attending a local function that’s happening this month. I’ve heard they’ll be serving a ‘finger buffet’. I’ve never heard of this. Do you think it will be good? Signed Baffled by the Buffet Dear Baffled: I’ve heard fingers taste just like chicken and have more meat on them than frog’s legs! Where do you think the phrase ‘finger licking good’ came from? Dear Auntie Social: I retired here recently and love it. My only complaint has to do with my new girlfriend. I love taking her out and showing her off but almost every place we go the first thing they bring to our table is a colouring book and crayons for my novia. She’s not that young and I find this insulting. What should I do? Signed May-December Romance Dear Romance: Oh people can be so cruel! I’m sure they are just jealous of you for finding true love. It’s not like every old guy down here can find himself a young girl to fall helplessly in love with. Oh wait a minute...yes they can! But I’m sure your situation is definitely different. Just laugh it off and in 5 or 6 years I’m sure you’ll find it isn’t happening so much anymore. Dear Auntie Social: Good to have you back! Where the heck ya been? We were worried about you! Signed Antsy About Auntie Dear Antsy: And so you should have been. I was in a very scary place! I think they call it ‘the real world’! But if I ever think of going there again just tie me to my barstool and buy me another beer!
YET ANOTHER GREAT USE FOR DUCT TAPE!!
NIELSEN WELDING & FABRICATION Located on the Entrance Road to Costambar Working with Steel, Stainless Steel & Aluminum New Fabrications and Repairs We are also Mobile! CALL JAN NIELSEN @ 829-962-9690 OR EMAIL tallernielsen@yahoo.com I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. BUT By the time i got my leotards on, the class was over!
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BUILDING LOTS FOR SALE BEAUTIFUL BUILDING LOTS AVAILABLE IN AGUAITA (Approximately 15 minutes from Puerto Plata) Some have incredible views of Brugal Valley, Maimon and the Atlantic Ocean in beautiful farm country. Rare opportunity to own a piece of paradise!! ALL WITH CLEAR TITLES From US$20 per mt2 Lot sizes from 700mts to 2000mts ALSO FOR SALE House with 2 floors on 1063 sq. M. with incredible view. US$179,995 Call 516-692-7862 or Email: snovick@netzero.net (subject Aguaita building lots)
During his time in prison Andy was such a model prisoner that arrangements were made for him to learn a trade. Soon, he was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the area and was often given a weekend pass to do jobs for the citizens of the local community. At that time the warden was remodelling his kitchen but realized he lacked the skills to build the cupboards and wide countertop he’d promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. “Gosh, I’d really like to help you,” Andy told the warden, “but counter fitting is how I ended up in prison in the first place!”
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!
PROPERTIES IN COSTAMBAR/BAYARDO – Well built 3 bdrs, 3 ½ bthrs. With a large back yard and pool. |U.S.$510,000 – Right on the beach, 5 bdrs., large family room overlooking the pool and the ocean. U.S.$385,000 – 2 bdrs., 2 bthrs., with large balcony in front of the beach with a pool. Fully furnished. U.S.$100,000 – 2 bdrs., 2 bthrs. near beach, in excellent condition. Fully furnished and ready to move in. U.S$149,000 – 2 Bdr., 2 Bthrs. on 2 floors with pool in well maintained bldg. U.S. $89,000 – 2 bdrs., 2 bthr., large backyard with two bldgs, that can be used for entertaining or modified to have extra living space. Fully furnished U.S. $120,000 – 3 bdrs., 3 bthrs., balconies in well maintained bldg., with pool. Fully furnished , just move in. U.S.$95,000 – large 2 bdrs., den, 2 ½ bthrs., with a panoramic view of the ocean, and excellent condition. U.S$65,000 – 41 ft - living room, dining room, kitchen and two double cabins (front and aft), each with full bathroom, plus the boat’s main command station moored at Ocean World. U.S.$225,000
APARTMENT FOR RENT COSTAMBAR
What do you call a pig that does Karate? A Pork Chop!
Costambar Monthly page 6
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' An Irishman and an American were sitting in the As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I bar at Shannon Airport. think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give "I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years". all. My wife won twice last week.'
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American. "I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time". "I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American. "Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
COSTAMBAR RENT CAR, SxA Calle Principal #4, Costambar
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Register with LOCATE at https://www.locate.fco.gov.uk/locateportal/
Amado Tejada Proprietor Telephone:809-970-7005 Cellular: 809-757-3744
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks Murphy’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Costambar Monthly page 7
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is t he name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Lucy’s
This is a quick story, allegedly true, and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?" The child thought for a moment. Then she said: "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks."
Costambar Monthly page 8 A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here'. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in Economy, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto , and I'm staying right here'. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde'. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'Oh, I'm sorry,' and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. 'I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto.’.
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Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041 Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert (In front of PARADA DINAMICA) “Just past the fish places”
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. No crap, really? Ya think? Now that's taking things a bit far! What a guy! No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! See if that works any better than a fair trial! I can see where it might have that effect! Ya think?! Who would have thought!
They may be on to something! You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? He probably IS the battery charge! Weren't they fat enough?! That's what he gets for eating those beans! Do they taste like chicken? Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Boy, are they tall! AND THE WINNER IS.... Did I read that right?
Costambar Monthly page 9
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CNN
51
CINE CANAL
22
FOX SPORT
56
SPEED
28
BOOMERANG
57
ANIMAL PLANET
30
ABC
64
SCI-FI
31
NBC
66
FOOD
32
CBS
69
DISCOVERY KIDS
33
TBS
70
WEATHER
34
CNBC
71
CINEMAX
35
ESPN-1
72
SHOWTIME
36
WGN
74
STARZ
37
CDN
79
NASA JETIX
40
TNT
80
42
USA
81
CARTOON
43
ESPN-2
83
TNT LA
44
DISCOVERY
84
HISTORY
46
DISNEY
85
THE FILM ZONE
49
HBO
Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand
809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318
Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian
809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601
Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy
809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607
Costambar Monthly page 10
SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 14 SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.
WORD SEARCH MOVIE ACTRESSES
Costambar Monthly page 11
JENNY’S MARKET Everything You Need At Good Prices! Open 8:00am to 9:30pm daily Calle Principal, Costambar Tel: 809-970-3028
At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires. On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'. The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was. The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ But I was wrong, too!"
Costambar Monthly page 12
Here's something to think about.? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling"? "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit"?
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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees!
Costambar Monthly page 13
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NEW DAYS & HOURS OF OPERATION
Open Daily From 8am til You Gotta Go (Or till we’ve had it!)
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful'
The bandage was around the The farm was used to . more The dump was so full that it had to . We must the furniture. if he would get the out. He could The soldier decided to his post in the Since there is no time like the , he thought it was time to the A was painted on the head of the drum. into the bushes. When shot at, the I did not to the The insurance was for the There was a among the oarsmen about how to They were too to the door to it. The buck funny things when the are present. fell down into a line. A seamstress and a To help with planting, the farmer taught his to The was too strong to the sail Upon seeing the in the painting I shed a I had to the to a series of tests. How can I this to my most friend?
Wide selection of Popular Novels, Children’s Books & Guidebooks
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Costambar Monthly page 14
A Canadian woman married a Dominican gentleman and they lived in Puerto Plata. The poor lady was not very proficient in Spanish, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
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BEGINNER
HIDDEN MOVIE TITLE The Silence of the Lambs
INTERMEDIATE
Costambar Monthly page 15
1 Blaming your farts on me..... Not funny... Not funny at all !!! 2 Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG 3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! 5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.' The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy. The Texan answers, 'Yes,' and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?' Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
m m a arve r g llou ar s ita s
9 Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. Now lay off me on these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
open 12pm daily
cold beer!!!
fa jit as !
oc e g r e a an t vie w !
bur
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rito
t spry ec ou ia t ls !
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co
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Costambar Monthly page 16
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