Vol. CXXXIV No. 3

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“In The Nation’s Service”


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Fall 2016 Courses of Interest ART 100 An Introduction to the History of Art: Meanings in the Visual Arts MW 10–10:50am ∙ Professor Anna Arabindan-Kesson Introduction to the history of art and to the discipline of art history. Not a comprehensive survey but a sampling of arts -- painting, sculpture, architecture, photography and prints -- and artistic practices from diverse historical periods, regions, and cultures. The course balances consideration of historical developments with attention to individual works of art. Faculty members of the Department of Art and Archaeology lecture in their fields of expertise; all precepts are held in the Princeton University Art Museum to facilitate direct engagement with works of art. ART 213 Modernist Art, 1900-1950 MW 9–9:50am ∙ Professors Hal Foster This course is a critical study of the major movements, paradigms, and documents of modernist art from Post-Impressionism to the “Degenerate” art show. Among the topics: primitivism, abstraction, collage, the readymade, machine aesthetics, photographic reproduction, the art of the insane, artists in political revolution, and anti-modernism. ART 228 / HLS 228 / MED 228 / HUM 228 Art and Power in the Middle Ages MW 11–11:50am ∙ Professors Charles E. Barber & Beatrice E. Kitzinger This course will examine major art works from the twelve centuries (300-1500 CE) that encompass the European Middle Ages. Presenting works from Europe and the Middle East, the course will introduce students to the art of Catholicism and Orthodoxy, Judaism and Islam; the great courts of the Eastern- and Holy Roman Empires, and the roving Vikings, Celts and Visigoths. Students will not only be invited to consider how art can represent and shape notions of sacred and secular power, but will also come to understand how the work of ‘art’ in this period is itself powerful and, sometimes, dangerous.

ART 233/ARC 233 Renaissance Art and Architecture TTh 9–9:50am ∙ Professor Carolina Mangone What was the Renaissance? This class explores the major artistic currents that swept northern and southern Europe from the fourteenth through the sixteenth centuries in an attempt to answer that question. In addition to considering key themes such as the revival of antiquity, imitation and license, religious devotion, artistic style, and the art market, we will survey significant works by artists and architects including Donatello, Raphael, Leonardo, Jan van Eyck, Dürer, and Michelangelo. Precepts will focus on direct study of original objects, with visits to Princeton’s collections of paintings, sculpture, prints, drawings, books and maps.

ART 260/AAS/AFS: Introduction to African Art TTh 1:30–2:20pm ∙ Professor Chika Okeke-Agulu An introduction to African art and architecture from prehistory to the 20th century. Beginning with Paleolithic rock art of northern and southern Africa, we will cover ancient Nubia and Meroe; Neolithic cultures such as Nok, Djenne and Ife; African kingdoms, including Benin, Asante, Bamun, Kongo, Kuba, Great Zimbabwe, and the Zulu; Christian Ethiopia and the Islamic Swahili coast; and other societies, such as the Sherbro, Igbo, and the Maasai. By combining Africa’s cultural history and developments in artistic forms we establish a long historical view of the stunning diversity of the continent’s indigenous arts and architecture.


Welcome, new and returning students! The program in American Studies offers an interdisciplinary approach to the social, historical, technological, literary, and aesthetic aspects of the culture of the United States.

FALL TERM COURSES INCLUDE: Issues in American Public Health with Leslie Gerwin Program in Law and Public Affairs Education and Inequality with Kathleen Nolan Program in Teacher Preparation The Art of Narrative Nonfiction with Richard Preston noted Journalist and Anschutz Distinguished Fellow Environmental and Social Crisis with Laurel Mei-Singh Program in American Studies Comics, The Graphic Novel, and the American Jew with Paul Levitz Comics writer and critic, and former President and Publisher of DC Comics Race and Living Laboratories with Tala Khanmalek Program in American Studies

For complete course listings, see http://ams.princeton.edu/undergraduate/courses

Welcome, Class of 2020!

Visit our table at the Academic Exo on September 12 and http://www.princeton.edu/ams/ 4

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February 12, 2016 Vol. CXXXIV, No. 2 u n d e r g r a d u at e b o a r d

chairman editor-in-chief managing editor editors staff writers contributing writers

Ana DeJesus ’18 Alex De La Garza ‘18 Charlie Spira ‘18 Max Feldman ‘19 Jordan Salama ‘19 Lauren Howard ‘19 Ryan Gizzie ‘19 Mark Abate ‘19 Alyssa Finfer ‘19 Katie Duggan ‘19 Nolan Liu ‘19 Will Kaplan ’19 Paul Schorin ’19 Madeline Pollack ’19 Katherine Woolford ‘19

design

art directors design editor staff artists

Casandra Monroe ‘18 Kyra Gregory ‘19 Marti Hale ‘19 Rachel Roberts ‘16 Rita Fang ‘17 Leah O’Rourke ‘18 Tashi Treadway ‘19

b u s i n e s s a n d a d m i n i s t r at i o n

business manager alumni liason

Taylor Jones ‘18 Miranda Alperstein ‘17

Cover by Rita Fang ‘17 Copy editing by Alex de la Garza ‘18 and Charlie Spira ‘18 g r a d u at e b o a r d

co-presidents vice-president treasurer secretary advisory cartoonist

Keith Blanchard ’88 Charles Coxe ’97 Ed Strauss ’72 Jose Pincay-Delgado ’77 Mark Daniels ’06 Michael C. Witte ’66

Sean Cunningham ’98, Chip Deffaa ’73, Mark Dowden ’84, John Farr ’81, Ed Finn ’02, Tom Gibson ’77, Jim Kirchman ’88, Clint Kakstys ’00, Rob Kutner ’94, Jim Lee ’86, Steve Liss ’10, Stephen Moeller ’99, Bryan Walsh ’01, Bret Watson ’82 legal mumbo jumbo

The Princeton Tiger (ISSN 0032-8421) is published 4 times per year by The Princeton Tiger, Inc. 48 University Place, Suite 402, Princeton, NJ 08544. Phone: (609) 785-1349. Email: tigermag@princeton. edu. URL: www.tigermag.com. U.S. subscription: $20 for 4 issues, $35 for 8, $45 for 12.

A message from the chairman Something magical happens when you sashay through Fitz-Randolph gate and enter the suburban paradise that is Princeton’s campus. Eisgruber sits in his office waving and fanning all the money from the university’s endowment to generate the perfect breeze. The squirrels are plump from the food tributes they are offered daily in exchange for the right to use their pictures in admissions brochures. The grass is always greener, the admissions rate always lower, and the special snowflakes always the most special. College is a special time. It’s for finding out who you are and what you’re passionate about. There’s certainly no need to alarm yourself with actual, real-life Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s latest racist, misogynistic, or otherwise alarming speeches or, for that matter, the gradual breakdown of American political discourse. You’ll be so busy waiting for your Nobel prize-winning professor to answer your email about office hours that you won’t even have time to think about how people out in the real world refuse to acknowledge America’s history of legal oppression and racism. There will always be some meddling ne’er-do-wells on this campus and in this country trying to force you to reflect on the kind of world we have created and the one that will be left behind when we’re gone. But you’re taking five classes this semester and none of them are pdf-able. You’re applying for internships for next summer and it’s uncertain if you’ll get the one you want. The global retreat of democracy can wait. You didn’t get an A on your first paper and need time to deal with the subsequent feeling of inadequacy! You have your own problems, damn it! To tell you the truth, this place can seem like it’s on a different planet, at times more fun and interesting than you thought

was possible and at times more difficult. Just don’t forget that no matter how hard Princeton tries to separate itself from the rest of the world, it’s still stuck firmly to Earth. Lose yourself in the bubble. Then find yourself again. Just remember that sometimes more important things lie beyond Princeton’s gates. And I’m not talking about Goldman Sachs.

Sincerely,

Ana DeJesus ‘18 Chairman

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An Honor Code Conspiracy Theory A warm welcome to our new students. For many of you, this is a time of transition, and I’m sure you’ve been bombarded by a whole lot of new information. One of the most notable subjects of this new information is that of the Honor Committee and the Honor Code. Many of you may be thinking, “what exactly is the Honor Committee?” Well, there is no better way to introduce you to them than to expose the extensive conspiracy running through the very heart of their organization. Let’s begin with the Honor Committee’s Constitution, Article I, section A, which reads, “The Honor Committee consists of twelve members who will represent the student body and address all suspected violations of the Honor Code.” Now this is very interesting. There are twelve members. Twelve, just like the Twelve Apostles of Jesus. And Jesus, as we all know, was a carpenter. Carpentry may not be offered at Princeton University, but if you rearrange the letters of the word “carpentry” you get “narc e-tray”. A “narc” is slang among drug cartels for a federal agent trying to bust their drug operation. An “e-tray” is a simulation of an email inbox for training purposes. So, putting the pieces together, we can conclude that the complete phrase “narc e-tray” is an email simulation for federal drug-busting agents to practice their hacking skills and check the emails of their targets, and computer science is, in fact, a major offered at Princeton University. We’re coming quite close to uncovering a real secret here, but we’re missing a few pieces. Let’s move on to the next section.

“There are twelve members. Twelve, just like the Twelve Apostles of Jesus. And Jesus, as we all know, was a carpenter.” Section B, subsection 1, says, “the members of this Committee will be the presidents of the sophomore and junior classes, former sophomore and junior class presidents, a member of the freshman class, and members to be appointed from the student body at large until the Committee consists of twelve members.” Again, adherence to the number twelve. Suspicious that they would make such

a conscious effort to stay so strict to the Apostolic structure. And why “former” sophomore and junior class presidents? Could it be that they have come too close to the truth, and the Committee needs to keep them close in order to keep their mouths shut? There is a conspicuous absence of seniors. Seniors. Like senior citizens, a colloquialism usually referring to “old people.” Old people, or “differently aged Americans,” as they prefer to be called, have a tendency to die, often before they can expose what they know about “the Man”. What if Princeton senior students are no different? They say that they graduate, but how can we be sure? There’s no way to contact them after they leave, no way at all, don’t even check. Perhaps the seniors are assassinated before they can expose the Honor Committee’s twisted secrets? Subsection 2 is split into four subsubsections, which is a lot. But look at the number, four. And this is the third section in the Constitution. Four times three is twelve. Everything is coming back to twelve. But why? Twelve has six letters. “Six” sounds like “sex” if you say it wrong, and sex is the creation of new life, by the act of getting down and dirty. The creation of all life – not just one useless, stupid baby, or maybe two babies at once, or three at once, or eight babies if you’re a cheater

who injects eggs instead of letting them divide naturally – happened in the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament. “Book of Genesis.” If you rearrange some of those letters and forget about the rest, you get “Goof.” As in “Goof Troop.” “Goof Troop” is an animated series by Disney about cartoon character Goofy and his family. Disney also created Tron, as well as its sequel, Tron Legacy, about evil computer programs who wanted to take over Earth. I think we have what we need. So the Honor Committee is a group of DEA agents in training who are using their computer hacking skills to create life inside a computer program to hide inside the emails of drug cartel operatives and attack them. With cyberspace. And they kill off their members who know about the project to maintain complete secrecy. Dearest readers, this is huge. And now everyone knows it. But this makes me a target. They’ll probably try to discredit me first, maybe by taking this article and putting it in a humor magazine or something, but the truth has to get out there. If I somehow disappear from the school, be it this year, or in a few years, you’ll know what happened to me. Anyway, welcome to Princeton, class of 2020! Study hard, make friends, never tell anyone what I told you here or else you too might become a target, and most importantly of all, have fun! WILL KAPLAN ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY CASANDRA MONROE ‘18 T H E PR I N C ET O N T I G ER

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7 Local Restaurants that Will Probably Still Serve You If You Insist on Bringing my Uncle Leslie My Uncle Leslie’s years of disruptive behavior have made him an unwelcome presence at most local establishments. If, for some reason, you’re convinced you’d like to dine with him, here are seven local restaurants that might still serve you.

1

Winberie’s Restaurant and Bar

Elements

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This restaurant opened relatively recently, so it’s possible that news of my Uncle Leslie’s total inability to behave himself in a public setting has yet to reach them. If you’re really determined to take my uncle out for dinner -- again, not something I recommend -- you might as well try here.

A perennial favorite of local food enthusiasts, Winberie’s boasts delicious burgers and a casual, friendly atmosphere. In fact, the atmosphere is so friendly that even my horrible Uncle Leslie should be more or less welcome here.

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Efes Mediterranean Grill

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The last time a restaurant made the questionable decision to serve my Uncle Leslie, he ended up throwing a plate of swordfish out the window and making three of the waitstaff cry. Nonetheless, Efes offers delicious soups and salads and tends to have pretty lenient policies when it comes to customer behavior, so if you insist on bringing Leslie to dinner with you, they probably won’t refuse.

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Panera Bread

Tiger Noodles

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Honestly, I’m not even sure why you think having dinner with my Uncle Leslie is a good idea. It’s probably not going to be much fun for you. Anyway, Tiger Noodles tends to be pretty crowded, so you can probably sneak him in if you move quickly.

Agricola (long shot) This one’s a long shot. Uncle Leslie has been here before, and it took the custodial staff five hours to clean up all the mess he made. Maybe if you bribe the maitre d’ or something.

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The last time Leslie set foot in Panera, the value of a share of the American fast-casual café chain inexplicably dropped by 4%. Corporate probably hasn’t yet drawn the connection between my uncle and the drop, so Panera’s actually a pretty good place to take him.

Teresa’s Caffe, if you bring someone else really good to compensate

Teresa’s Caffe, an upscale Italian eatery, is pretty unlikely to serve my repulsive excuse for an uncle. However, if, in addition to bringing Uncle Leslie, you also bring someone really cool like Olympic swimming legend Mark Spitz or a kangaroo, it’s possible they’ll figure the good outweighs the bad and let you all in.

MAX FELDMAN ‘19 ILLUSTRATED BY RACHEL ROBERTS ‘16

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September 10, 2016 Incoming Class of 2020 Princeton University Princeton, NJ 08544 Dear Incoming Class of 2020, College is an exciting time. For the next four years, you’ll be learning new things, exploring new places, and meeting new people. But most importantly, college is the time to figure out what kind of person you want to be. It doesn’t matter who you were in high school. Now is the time when you can finally decide: are you a good guy who we can all count on, or are you some sort of dirty snitch? This school is more than just an institution of higher education. It’s really an incredible community full of people working on things they are passionate about. Now that you’re here, it’s your job to find out how you fit into that community. You might be more involved with athletics, or maybe you’ll join one of the many theater groups on campus. Maybe you’ll just be busy trying to keep your mouth shut and avoid ruining this great thing we have going. You can really make this place your own, ideally in a way that doesn’t betray the dozens of people who thought you would’ve gotten over this cold feet bullshit by now. Regardless of what you end up doing on campus, what will matter more than anything are the people you meet here and the friendships you form. You should recognize that some of the people you find in your classes or on your hall will become cherished lifelong friends, while keeping in mind that a true friend would never ask you to wear a wire to one of our gigs, especially after we all trusted you to be cool about this. The friends you make will likely become the most important part of your college experience, although the most important part for you could easily be staying on the good side of a group of people that is entirely capable of exacting revenge from within the confines of a federal prison. Whatever path you take through college, these will doubtlessly be some of the best years of your life. There are countless people here ready to support you and help you become the best version of yourself, and many more expecting you to not start developing a fucking conscience. You knew damn well what you were getting into when you came here. I trust that you will take this message to heart as the year gets started. And I think we can both agree that at the end of the day, trust is all that really matters, right? Sincerely,

The Classes of 2017, 2018, and 2019 MARK ABATE ‘19

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CINEMA

New Movies Inspired By Independence Day

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n light of the modest financial success of the recently released Independence Day: Resurgence, producers have started to mine less popular holidays for new blockbusters. We here at Tiger Mag have used our numerous Hollywood connections—yes, we have many, don’t question it—to procure a list of these festive films:

Fear Thine Shadow (dir. Paul Greengrass)

When winter comes a-knocking, there’s only one mammal you should call: Special Agent Phil “Punxsutawney” Spring (Matt Damon). He excelled at the Academy as a young recruit from Pennsylvania with a penchant for groundhogs, but now it’s time for him to face the real world when Dr. Shadow (Christoph Waltz), a clone of Spring himself, threatens to plunge the world into another ice age. If he gets spooked by Shadow, we’re looking at a long, cold winter. February 2nd: when winter springs into a theater near you! Rated PG for tasteful man-on-groundhog romance.

No Rebate for the Wicked (dir. Martin Scorsese)

Robert de Niro stars as a tough, tough-as-nails, so-tough-heeats-two-by-fours-for-breakfast-with-only-2%-milk-to-wash-itdown, Italian-American conman Joe Gargonini who loves his two daughters and wants them to go to good public schools. But when Joe finds out that the master conman, Louis Argentino D’Raffino, hasn’t paid his taxes in twenty-seven years, he embarks on the long con to put D’Raffino behind bars – every cent D’Raffino keeps for himself detracts from his daughters’ educations. No one detracts from his daughters’ educations. This Tax Day, Scorsese is pulling out all the stops: Leonardo DiCaprio, Alexandra Daddario, Willem Dafoe, Danny DeVito, and Vincent D’Onofrio round out a stellar cast of actors with Scorsese’s weird fetish of a hard “D” sound to start their names. Freeze-framing its way to your hometown cinema on April 17th! Rated PG-13 for loud Italian accents and taxes.

Tender Moonlight Cornucopia: or Mother’s Day

The Sixth Shrub (dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

This Arbor Day, get ready to be smacked in the face with the mighty fronds of justice! Johnny Appleseed (Mel Gibson), a downon-his-luck park ranger armed with only his wits and a love of the great outdoors, must undermine nefarious evil-doers from outer space who plan to destroy all that is good and green with their most dangerous weapon: ten Ram 2500 gas-guzzling pickup trucks driving in single file! Along for the ride are two precocious plants – the Giving Tree (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Groot (the Iron Giant) – and former U.S. presidential candidate Al Gore (Al Gore). Can they save the environment so that we have proper time to destroy it? Plant yourself into that soda-glazed seat on April 28th! Rated R for Mel Gibson.

(dir. Wes Anderson) Katie du Platt Saunteré (Joey King) is a precocious youth with a knack for getting herself into the most delightful conundrums. On Mother’s Day, she procured, using money from her papaya juice stand, a seemingly-innocuous watercolor that turns out to belong to the Grand Duchess of Lithuaria (Tilda Swinton). Can her estranged father (Ed Norton) help her protect her perplexing purchase, perchance, avoid bungling henchmen who hench (the Wilson Brothers, like, all of them) and return the gift to Mother (Gwenyth Paltrow) by the date to which we honor our mothers?! There’s only one way to find out: zip up your best red jumpsuit and jam out on your beloved glockenspiel this May 14th! Rated NC-17 for excessive whimsy.

PAUL SCHORIN ‘19

ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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P olitics

I Have Been Really Loving All The Politics Recently

W

ow, this election season sure is crazy, huh? I don’t normally get that into politics, (it’s usually so dull and boring) but this presidential race has been the most exciting one I’ve seen in a long time. I can’t say it enough: I have been really loving all the politics recently. I can’t decide which candidate I like better. Hillary always has that sassy smirk and knows all the foreign policy, but Donald is such a big man businessman who doesn’t care what anyone thinks! The other politicians are really neat too. Bill Clinton is always telling romantic stories and Newt Gingrich keeps popping up everywhere. I don’t know how he has time to be Former Speaker of the House of Representatives with all the time he spends on TV! But it’s not just the politicians who have been great; the politics has been just as thrilling lately. Every week something new happens! Hillary is always getting a new email or something and Donald keeps saying the wackiest things, going around and calling people bimbos and stuff. I love it! I’ve been watching a lot of news shows

!!!

ch O ne? ?

Excite

Wow!

Job

s!!

just to keep up. My favorite is CNN. They do this thing where they have a bunch of different political people on screen and then they all say different facts and yell at each other until the commercial break. I guess they all must be as excited about the presidential race as I am!

!! ! y r a ent m m Co Yell l a c i t i ing! l o P !

Wor ds

Whi

ment!!

!!

art!! m S o S

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The TV people keep saying how important this election is and it seems like Hillary and Donald both want my vote really bad. I honestly wish I could just vote for both of them! But since I can only vote for one candidate, I guess I’ll just have to keep watching the yelling shows and reading the articles my cousin sends me through the email in order pick my favorite by November. I never thought I would be this into politics, but it’s hard not to get involved when everyone seems so excited! Choosing future political leaders is one of the most important responsibilities of any American citizen. It’s everyone’s duty to stay informed so we pick the candidate who does the best economics. I, for one, am thrilled to be casting my vote in a few months. From all this great politics I’ve been seeing, I’m sure that either candidate will make a great President. And, if not, at least we had a fun ride!

ALEX DE LA GARZA ‘18

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10 Awesome Things to 3D Print at Princeton, But To Be Fair, A Lot Of Them Are Keychains

3D

printing is, without a doubt, one of the most exciting developments in modern technology. If you’re a Princeton student eager to try out this incredible new form of synthetic manufacturing, you’re in luck! The Digital Media Lab in Forbes has a 3D printer which students can use—with permission. We’ve compiled this list of awesome things that Princeton 3D printing enthusiasts can create, but, just to be clear, quite a few of these are keychains. We figured it was best to be upfront about that. 1. A Keychain It may be hard to believe, but you can synthesize your own keychain right here on campus in the Digital Media Lab. As far as things to 3D print go, keychains are stylish, useful and one that we’ll be relying pretty heavily on over the course of this list. 2. A Doorstop With Princeton’s automatic-locking, difficult-to-open doors, a good doorstop is a crucial addition to any dorm room. Having trouble finding a good place near campus to purchase one? Craft your own, using the magic of 3D printing in the Digital Media Lab!

7. An “I Stand With Israel” Keychain Obviously how appealing this design is to you depends on your political views, but if you’re someone who sides with the state of Israel in the ongoing conflict over the disputed territories of Gaza and the West Bank, you could totally make a keychain that represents that. We’re not saying this is our view, but if it happens to be yours, the wonders of 3D printing technology are at your disposal. If we hadn’t given you fair warning that you were in for more than your fair share of keychains, this would be a pretty weird thing to include on a list of fun things to 3D print on campus. But, since we did warn you, you really have nothing to complain about. 8. A Keychain That, At First Glance, Makes It Look Like Your Keys Have Human Arms Look, to be honest, we didn’t have too much time to plan this list, and a lot of us came up with “keychain”. We’ll be the first to admit we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one, but please don’t let that diminish your opinion of 3D printing, which is without a doubt one of the coolest technological innovations of the past decade. 9. A Small Box To Put All Of Your Keychains In Pretty self-explanatory. This will come in handy if you try to print everything else on this list.

3. A Bigger Keychain If the keychain you printed after reading #1 on the list was too small to accommodate your key-related needs, you can easily head back to the Lab to print a larger one. Remember, we told you right off the bat that this was going to be a pretty keychain-intensive list. 4. A Thing That Keeps Your Earbuds From Getting Tangled Okay, this one is really cool. This pocket-sized clip miraculously solves the once impossible problem of earbud cord tangling. It’s modern, innovative, and, best of all, not a keychain. 3D print one in the digital media lab today! 5. A Bottle Opener Carrying a bottle opener is a great way to make friends on campus--after all, any college party is going to be a pretty sad scene if nobody remembered to bring a bottle opener. You may notice that this is the second consecutive nonkeychain item on the list. Pretty impressive, but don’t get too excited; after this one, it’s more or less keychains from here on out. 6. A Keychain That Is A Different Color Than The First Two We probably should have mentioned this earlier, but remember those first two keychains? Those can be whatever color you want. Cool, right? Now imagine another keychain that’s in a different color altogether.

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10. A Keychain Shaped Like A Mouse Or Tomatoes Or Something This one was Bill’s idea, but he scrawled it on a sheet of loose leaf paper that he left on his desk right before he went out of town for two weeks. We’re guessing it was some sort of preliminary brainstorming that he was hoping to finish up once he got back. Unfortunately, we had to go ahead and publish the article while he was still out of town, so we decided to just work with what we had. Not too sure what this one means, but a good 3D printer could probably figure it out. M AX F ELD M A N ‘19 ILLUSTRATE D BY RAC H EL R O BER T ‘16


Total Loser Freshman Not Yet Found His Place on Campus

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niversity administrators were shocked to learn Tuesday that piece-of-shit freshman Jeremy Barton had not yet managed to find his own unique niche in Princeton campus life despite having been here two entire weeks. “I know we often say that we don’t make mistakes, but we definitely made a mistake in accepting this worthless asshole,” stated Dean of Admissions Janet Rapelye in an interview Wednesday morning. “I try to be understanding, but Jesus fucking Christ, it’s practically October! At this point, if he still hasn’t found his core group of friends, joined at least four extracurriculars, and picked his major, then this guy doesn’t deserve to call himself a Princetonian.” Butler College Dean of Student Life Alexis Andres voiced similar sentiments. “Jeremy is definitely the only freshman who still hasn’t found his place in this campus, probably because he’s a dumb idiot. If he can’t adjust to a completely new environment and create a fulfilling academic, extracurricular, and social life within fourteen days, then he’s a complete failure. My only advice for him would be to stalk his high school friends’ pictures on Facebook to see how much fun they’re having at other colleges without him.” Waste-of-space Jeremy Barton seemed unable to explain his inability to integrate into campus life. “I’m really trying my best to make friends and figure this place out. I’m not such a big fan of my OA and Zee groups and those seem to be the only people hanging out at this point. I went to the activities fair and I’ve been going to some different club meetings, but

“I know we often say that we don’t make mistakes, but we definitely made a mistake in accepting this worthless asshole” I don’t know which ones I want to join yet. Also, would everyone please stop asking me about my major? I just don’t know, okay!” “Jeremy has failed, but in a way so have I,” said Jeremy’s RCA, Sarah Burn-

stein. “It was due to my own hubris that I thought I could help a doofus like Jeremy succeed here at Princeton. How foolish I was! This freshman was, and always will be, a worthless goddam cretin.” “I accept complete responsibility for allowing this fucking dipshit to set foot on our campus,” stated Dean Rapelye in University-wide letter sent Wednesday. “This human dumpster-fire should not have been allowed anywhere near Princeton University.” President Eisgruber hosted an address in the University Chapel on Thursday to discuss confirmed shitbird Jeremy Barton’s unprecedented failure as a Princeton student. “It’s times like these when have to come together as a campus, except Jeremy of course. Now Jeremy, if

you’re out there, I’d like to say that absolutely no one else at this university is still trying find his or her place like you are. You should definitely feel really sad and lonely because there is no way things are going to get any better for you at Princeton. We can’t technically expel you, but if you would just leave forever, that would be great.”

ALEX DE LA GARZA ‘18 ILLUSTRATED BY KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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s k a H c d o C e r o n o 12 H on’t r D o s e f s o s r r u P o Y Your w Want You To Kn o

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ow some of you may have heard of Princeton’s stringent honor code, perhaps even heard horror stories of what has happened to its victims. Well, not to worry! We at the Tiger scoured the honor code for tricks and loopholes you could use to get ahead in your classes. Check it out! »» Sign the honor code in blood to challenge the professor to hand-to-hand combat. »» While your professor is distracted correcting your exam, you can punch him in the face and steal his wallet. »» Bring a box of snakes into the exam. This won’t actually help you, but as far as we know, the Honor Code doesn’t technically prohibit it. »» Win the favor of the grader by attaching photographs of his wife and children to your exam. »» One-way mirrors. »» Bring a life-size cardboard cutout of yourself to the exam, leave it in your seat, and sneak out unnoticed. Nice!

»» On second thought, you can write down answers on the snakes ahead of time and pull them out when you’re stumped. »» Build a fence around your desk during the exam and declare it a sovereign nation. The honor code is not recognized in the Democratic People’s Republic of Desk. »» Distract fellow test-takers and beat the curve by showing up to the exam without a pancreas. »» Take advantage of the Papa John’s Big Meals Big Deals® combo by ordering an

extra large pizza and a two-liter soda for just $12.99! »» Eat a hearty breakfast the morning of the exam and get lots of sleep. I swear to god we double-checked this like five times and we are now certain that the honor code says nothing about your diet or sleeping habits, despite the serious advantage it would give you over your sleep-deprived and malnourished classmates.

CERTIFICATE IN FINANCE Attention Sophomores!

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Attention Freshmen!

CHARLIE SPIRA ‘18


The REAL Freshman Dictionary 18 Terms Every Princeton Freshman Should Know

Alcohol Initiative /al-kuh-hawl ih-nish-ee-uh-tiv/ n. Take the initiative to consume more alcohol. Shots, bitch!

Bicker /bik-er/ v. The time for all those debate team kids to shine. Eating clubs that use the bicker method are more exclusive, so they hold debate tournaments and choose the cream of the crop. Handy for the clubs to argue their way out of harassment claims.

The Daily Princetonian /dey-lee prins-toh-nee-uhn/ n. The official outlet for the “my father will hear about this” generation. Dead Week /ded week/ n. One week, in which McCosh is closed and all policing and disciplinary systems are shut down. All crime is legal, and all undergrads, graduate students and associate professors are fair game. Curve ruiners, beware. Dean’s Date /deens deyt/ n. Stay away from Dean. He is the biggest fuckboy on campus. I hate you, Dean. Eating Club /ee-ting kluhb/ n. Instead of forks or knives, the elite of Princeton use clubs to shovel food into their mouths. It’s how it was done in the old days, which makes it inherently better. Firestone /fahyuhr-stohn/ n. Where the rings of power were forged. “Cast it into the Firestone, Isildor!” Free and For Sale /free and fawr seyl/ n. My dignity and my silence, respectively. Late Meal /leyt meel/ n. The economic equivalent of 2 TI passes and 1/3 of an Ivy pass. McCosh /muh-kosh/ n. Take an Econ exam while getting an STD test! A one stop shop for all the exams your growing body and brain might need. Netflix and Chill /net-fliks and chil/ v. The practice of eating copious amounts of ice cream and watching mindless 20 minute episodes of Bob’s Burgers on Netflix. Behavior most observed during finals week or any time a big paper is due. P-Safe /pee-seyf/ n. Special-ops trained agents assigned with the exhilarating task of neutralizing the threat of debauched, drunken, hormone-driven pre-adults away from home for the first time. Prospect 12 /pros-pekt twelv/ n. Some students try to complete the Prospect Eleven, consuming 11 beers on the street. Take it a bit further by knocking on the door of Prospect House and asking for a fill-up. Extra points if there’s an event going on inside. R3 /ahr three/ n. Practically as hard as a thesis. Seniors will find a kindred spirit in your incessant complaining, and invite you to everything because you’re so relatable. Snapchat /snap-chat/ n. Princeton’s wifi has access to all the nudes you send on snapchat, which are then uploaded to your Tigerbook. See Tigerbook. Tigerbook /tahy-ger-book/ n. Get to know your classmates’ hometowns, dorms, roommates and pictures before you even meet them! Everyone loves an overachiever and making friends is no exception. Writing Sem /rahy-ting sem/ n. A program designed to help students figure out who “that guy” is in every class. Just put your hand down, Mark. YikYak /yik-yak/ n. As the campus’ most politically correct forum, it also hosts the most up-to-date and accurate information regarding which eating clubs are open, on pass or on list. Just ask! MADELINE POLLACK ‘19 & KATHERINE WOOLFORD ‘19


Our Third Party Candidates With both presidential nominees facing massive dissatisfaction from the American public, many political commentators are considering the possibility of a strong showing for a third party candidate. So, as pioneers in thoughtful political discourse (college humor magazine writers), we bring to you a list of those we feel are the most promising third party candidates. Chris Eisgruber As President of Princeton University, Chris Eisgruber has already proven himself capable of being president of something. He has great experience militarily, as demonstrated when he brutally crushed Princeton Township’s revolt against the university after beheading the mayor with a steel battleaxe. As Woodrow Wilson showed us, being president of Princeton is a proven path to the presidency of the United States, and Eisgruber is eager to live up to Wilson’s legacy. Except for the racism part. That part’s bad. George Washington Who better than the first President to be President again and fix all our 21st century problems? No one, that’s who. Literally everybody loves George – that’s a bipartisan support base if I’ve ever seen one. He’s both is a war hero AND a founding father, giving him, like eighty thousand sixty-two bonus points in the polls. As a charismatic speaker and a prominent character in the musical sensation Hamilton, Washington is sure to win voters’ hearts. Elan Sleazebaggano Fans of Star Wars may remember this charming up-and-comer

from Attack of the Clones, in which he attempted to sell ObiWan Kenobi some death sticks. Who could forget his memorable, charismatic way of speaking when he said, “you wanna buy some death sticks?” He truly does have a way with words. “But isn’t he a drug dealer?” you ask. “How could a man like that be President?” Well, Obi-Wan Kenobi told him—mind-controlled him, really—to go home and rethink his life, and so the ever-trustworthy Elan Sleazebaggano naturally decided to transition from petty drug dealing into politics. So now you know, voice in my head. Now please stop telling me to “clean the gutters of society”. I don’t know what that means but it sounds ominous and unsanitary. Beyonce Yaaaas, gurl. Kill it. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass, gurl, slay. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssss. Queeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn. YYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS S. So inspirational. WILL KAPLAN ‘19 illustrated by kyra gregory ‘19

All Jokes Aside, I’m Going to Need to See Some I.D. By: Officer Carlson

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ook, I get it. You were out looking for a couple of laughs. Probably expected to have yourself a downright hilarious time. I bet you thought you could read a few articles, chuckle at some jokes, and we’d all be none the wiser. And really, I’m not trying to be a hardass about this. But all jokes aside, I’m going to need to see some I.D. I remember what it was like being a kid. Some days there’d be nothing better than getting together with your friends, throwing on a prized track by Jefferson Starship, and cracking open a couple humor magazines. And sure, humor magazines make for a great time, and Jefferson Starship is top-notch. But the law is the law as far as I’m concerned. And in this instance specifically, the law would require that you give the jokes a rest and pull out a driver’s license or other state-issued identification card. Is this the career I envisioned myself pursuing back when I was a teenager like yourself? Busting college kids for small-time misdemeanors involving magazine possession? No, not exactly. Has dissatisfaction with my career driven me into a crippling dependency on humor magazines not unlike the ones that I am now planning on confiscating from you, a dependency that has de16

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stroyed both of my marriages and all three of my attempts at forming a Jefferson Starship tribute band? Let’s just cool it with the questions, okay? Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a group of legal-age adults responsibly working through a stack of humor magazines over the course of an evening. But there are some real dangers to getting involved with this stuff at a young age. If you can’t control yourself now, you might wake up in twenty years and realize that after one too many nights of stumbling home, smelling of freshly printed magazines, your two children, Hannah and Bobby, won’t even speak to you anymore. Or even worse, your good friend and lead bassist, Officer Johnson, might realize that you’ve been pretty unfocused at practice lately and suggest that the band go on hiatus until you can get things in order. These are consequences that you, and you alone, should be worrying about. Listen, I know you think this is a real hoot, but I’m obligated to enforce the law. So why don’t we table the jokes for a minute, display a valid form of I.D., and focus on which of us has the real problem with humor magazines. You do. You have the problem with humor magazines. MARK ABATE ‘19


Don’t Rent Out Your Roommate’s Bed on AirBnb

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eptember is here, which means that thousands of college freshmen across the country will be moving into their homes for the next four years. It’s an exciting time: you’ll likely make new friends, live on a lovely little campus, and of course, have roommates for the first time. For some, this may be a bit uncomfortable, but for a select few, it might seem like a very lucrative financial opportunity. It sure did to me. My eyes widened the first time I heard about it: another bed, in MY room? What luck do I have! Although I knew that bed came with a companion, I was lured in by the temptation, yes, and now I’m here to tell you why you should not jump on that opportunity and attempt to rent out your roommate’s bed on AirBnb. Upon arriving in your new dorm, you will be living in any one of the following types of rooms: a double (the typical “dorm”), a quad of four people, or a suite of eight. Either way, you will most likely have a roommate in your specific bedroom. After a few months of living with said roommate, who for our purposes we will call Gary, you may notice that he may stop returning to your room on select nights. It is possible that Gary has taken on a new lover. Or, that Gary simply values innocent group sleepovers with friends. Perhaps Gary visits a nearby aunt on a regular basis. Whatever the case may be, here you have a perfectly good room with two perfectly good beds, and one of them is frequently empty… At this point, an idea might pop

into your head, well, I should put up Gary’s sleeping accommodations at a mid-range price on a popular travel database. Here you should stop immediately, even if the situation is basically begging you to do it. You have no idea what will come next. But alas, if you’re like me, you

may ignorantly decide to continue, in which case you will begin to host visitors to your quaint college town in your room’s empty twin bed for the reasonable price of $150/night (including breakfast, of course, because you’re not a monster) through AirBnb. At this point, it is actually probable that your accommodation opportunity becomes a leader among AirBnb’s in your area. No one else offers a better location to visit your University than inside your University. Your price increases to $350/ night (not including breakfast, because you’re not an idiot), and your guests range from single for-

eign travelers to elderly couples to families of 5. On many nights, your guests are forced to sleep in the same bed as Gary, who has become a forgotten inconvenience. You build a top bunk to accommodate the influx. This could work… But while everything seems to be going smoothly, it is actually snowballing into the biggest disaster of your life. Unbeknownst to you, your guests have also begun to engage in college-age activities. Fiveyear-old Johnny has joined a fraternity and the elderly couple is cramming for their microeconomics final, which you also have tomorrow and forgot about. After all of this goes down, at the end of the first week, University Housing will come along for a simple fire-safety inspection and instead find an entire Varsity Ice Hockey team sleeping in a twin bed with poor Gary in the middle. And this is when you realize that you’re sunk. You’ll try to pay them off with your newfound riches, but either way, they will remove your room’s listing from AirBnb and expel you from school. Everything will collapse around you. The only thing you’ll have left is a staff writer position on the school’s college humor magazine (officially unaffiliated with the University, of course), and your life is in shambles. So please, don’t do what I did. Don’t become a lowly college humor writer, and definitely don’t rent out your roommate’s bed on AirBnb. JORDAN SALAMA ‘19 illustrated by KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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C L A S S I C S . A Sonnet For N O J O K E . Freshman Year

Courses in Translation Fall 2016 CLA211/HLS211 Rhetoric: Classical Theory, Modern Practice Professor Andrew Ford Lecture: 2:30-3:20pm MW Precepts To Be Announced

10% PIZZA • SANDWICHES SALADS • FROZEN YOGURT GREEN & FRUIT SMOOTHIES BUBBLE TEA • COFFEE & ESPRESSO

MON-SUN 10AM-10PM 84 NASSAU STREET PRINCETON, NJ 08542

CLA212/HUM212/GSS212/HLS212 Classical Mythology Professor Brooke Holmes Lecture: 1:30-2:20pm TTh Precepts To Be Announced CLA218/HIS218 The Roman Republic Professor Dan-El Padilla Peralta Lecture: 10:00-10:50am TTh Precepts To Be Announced CLA326/HIS326/REL329/HLS329 Topics in Ancient History: The City of Rome in Antiquity Professor Harriet Flower Seminar 7:30-10:20pm W CLA330/CHV330/HLS340 Greek Law and Legal Practice Professor Marc Domingo Gygax Seminar: 1:30-4:20pm T

princetonpi.com

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Shall I compare these dorms to castle spires? They art more ugly and dingy for sure. Wilson’s less gothic, more ‘60s-inspired I see why it wasn’t in the brochure. But this quad holds memories bittersweet Like when that hot guy I met in TI Puked on my shoes heading back from the Street; I had high hopes before things went awry. Classes taught me to look through a new lens Writing sem made me far more insightful, And my zee group has stayed the best of friends! Our eye contact avoidance is delightful. The only coming trouble I foresee Is putting to use an English degree.

K AT I E D U G G A N ‘ 1 9


A d v ice

Hazards and Hazing: Get Ready to Have Your Ass Kicked

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reshman year is always stressful. You’re struggling to find new friends, you’re scared of your professors, and you don’t know what the fuck Vineyard Vines is and you’re afraid to ask at this point. However, there is a more dangerous problem new students must be aware of: hazing. Princeton’s hazing is some of the most sadistic in the nation—brilliance and immaturity are a deadly combo. Up to 20% of a freshman class may be tragically lost to these pranks, and no frosh fully escapes the incessant harassment. So, baby tigers, to spot the most common and potentially harmful hazing practices and campus dangers, take a look at this list. The “Frosh Mosh” This hazing technique is used when frosh gather together en masse. Fiendish upperclassmen worm their way into the group and try to initiate some sort of riot or stampede, usually by whispering disturbing things into the frosh’s ears, such as “the average freshman’s GPA is .93 points lower than their high school GPA,” or “you only got in because of your obscure and useless juggling abilities.” Try to stay away from joining large packs of other freshmen; being a lone wolf can often save you. The “Prohibition Act of 1920” While at an eating club or pregame, a freshman will be forced into a dangerous drinking game. With a ring of rowdy upperclassmen trapping them, the frosh is given a freshly opened bottle of vodka, which is then duct-taped firmly to their hand. Though the vodka is tantalizingly close, the frosh is dared to not drink a single drop of the alcohol. All they can do is stand there as the crowd chants “DON’T CHUG! DON’T CHUG!” To avoid being Prohibition Act of 1920’d, practice your peer pressure evasion and remember that you are your own person. You can chug an entire bottle of vodka if you want to. “RCAs” Everyone knows about RCAs: the sweet upperclassmen in charge of keeping a hallway of naïve frosh alive via snacks and gentle threats of calling P-Safe if you don’t shut up. Don’t be fooled. RCAs are not human—no one could genuinely care about freshmen and their problems. They are an infestation of some evil creature, though I have absolutely no concrete evidence of this nor did I have one reason to not love my RCA. I urge all frosh to refuse any offers of cupcakes and to not be tricked into thinking RCAs are cool because they keep letting you in on campus secrets

and suggesting parties to attend. It’s too good to be true. The “Woody Wooing” This event is more of a Princeton tradition than a hazing ritual, but it often throws off new students. Fall semester is always kicked off with the annual “Woody Wooing,” a ritual where every undergraduate is required to pay homage to one of the many designated Woodrow Wilson monuments, such as the Woodrow Wilson mural, the Woodrow Wilson statues, or the Woodrow Wilson school itself. A kiss and a heartfelt personal poem are standard

offerings, but be careful to do it properly. Misconduct during the wooing is not tolerated. The “Grumpy ‘Gruber” Each night for the first six weeks of school, President Eisgruber stands in the dorm windows of freshman students, staring down unblinkingly. Once the sleepy frosh is awakened to the harsh glint of the night-Eisgruber’s glasses shining outside their window, the president slowly raises a piece of paper: the frosh’s letter of acceptance. With the student’s eyes glued on him in terror, he pulls out a bottle of Wite-Out and slowly, meticulously blots out the CONGRATULATIONS! printed at the top. After blowing gently on the paper until the Wite-Out is dry, he scribbles down a word, then holds up the paper to the window again. The letter now reads “I am delighted to ^NOT offer you admission to Princeton.” As tears stream down the freshman’s face, Eisgruber fades back into the night, his glasses the last thing to disappear. There’s really no way to avoid this if you are chosen—just try to ride it out and remember the kindness of day-Eisgruber, the one who told you “you’re here for a reason. We don’t make mistakes.” Sometimes hope is all we have. LAUREN HOWARD ‘19 illustrated by KYRA GREGORY ‘19

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the last word

Advice for Incoming Freshmen

»»

You’re just a freshman, so it’s totally fine if you don’t know your major yet. That said, you should know my major. It’s Classics.

»»

A few years ago, some rowdy Princeton students started playing The Floor Is Lava, and never got around to officially declaring the game over, so technically all floors on campus are still lava. Watch out! »» One thing I wish someone had told me is that you don’t have to be best friends with everyone in your zee group. To be honest, my zee group and I never really clicked. Our senses of humor didn’t match, they had very little in common with me, and a lot of them spent the better part of fall semester trying to kill my dad. Finding your group of friends on campus can take time! »» Here’s the thing about dining in college: you may think you can survive on an all-ramen diet, but frankly you’re unlikely to survive Princeton on any diet. You will die here. »» Salmon-colored shorts are a pretty big thing here, but an even bigger thing is painting elephant ears onto your groin so that your crotch looks like an elephant. To clarify: your dick is the trunk. Anyway, you can buy salmon shorts at J. Crew or Jack Wills if you want a pair. »» One of the best things about Princeton is how accessible and down-to-earth professors are. Many Princeton faculty are the foremost scholarly authority in the world on their topics, but that doesn’t mean they won’t tremble with fear when they find out who your dad is. »» Princeton has eleven eating clubs, each of which has its own distinct identity. For instance, Terrace is the one all the hipsters join. Cottage is the one where they eat napkins. TI is the one where they eat even more napkins. Cap is the one with minorities in it, and Cloister is another one where they do the napkins thing (eating them).

A l i e n A t t a c k To w e r D e f e n s e

»»

Here’s a cold, hard, truth all Princeton freshman come to terms with: you’re not as special as you were in high school. In high school, you were “the girl who got into Princeton”, but now you’re just “the girl who all evidence suggests may have had a hand in organizing the Jonestown Massacre”.

»»

Princeton doesn’t allow you to double major, unless of course you enter the cheat code “2GUD41MAJOR” and then beat all seventeen levels of the tower defense minigame on the registrar website.

»»

One of the hardest parts of freshman year is learning how to set your own schedule. Many freshmen make the mistake of watching Ice Age: Continental Drift two or three times per day, which can really eat up your spare time! Try to limit yourself to one viewing per week.

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If you’re having trouble starting up conversations, try pouring maple syrup in your pants and then telling people “My pants are full of maple syrup”.

»»

Don’t be fooled. “Introduction to fingerpainting” is really a weed-out course for the notoriously cutthroat fingerpainting track. MAX FELDMAN ALEX DE LA GARZA CHARLIE SPIRA illustrated by CASSANDRA MONROE

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‘19 ‘18 ‘18 ‘18


FRENCH AND ITALIAN DEPARTMENT



read widely, read adventurously

ENG 320: Shakespeare I An introduction to the first half of Shakespeare’s career, the raucous comedies, over-the-top tragedies, and searching history plays that he wrote along the way to the fathomless mystery of Hamlet. Our questions: the power of imagination, the art of rhetoric, storytelling (fictional and historical), literary genre (comedy, tragedy, chronicle), time, and love. The plays: Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Julius Caesar, Henry IV, and others - and Hamlet.

ENG 369: Contemporary Science Fiction/Speculative Fiction We explore some of the authors who have transformed science fiction into arguably the most imaginative form of the last fifty years. As we confront alien invasions, androids, zombies, and imagined futures filled with apocalyptic revelations, we engage the most fundamental questions about what it means to be human in an increasingly dehumanizing world. The reading list says it all: Sisters of the Revolution, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, Four Ways to Forgiveness, Bloodchild and Other Stories, The Road, Ender’s Game, and Snow Crash.

ENG 390: The Bible as Literature

ENG 368: American Literature 1930-present

ENG 351: American Literature: 1865-1930

Discover new ways to read the world’s most-read text. You’ll not only find depths to the Bible that you didn’t know existed; you’ll also learn techniques of reading that you can use with other texts you’ll encounter in your Princeton career (and, of course, your life).

A must-read survey of twentiethcentury and contemporary fiction, by America's greatest. Readings include: Junot Diaz, "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao"; William Faulkner "As I Lay Dying"; Vladimir Nabokov "Lolita"; Thomas Pynchon "The Crying of Lot 49" and Marilynne Robinson, "Housekeeping".

A study of the development of American literature during its most formative epoch. Emphasis will be on the artistic achievement of writers such as James, Howells, Twain, Dreiser, Crane, Adams, Wharton, Cather, Fitzgerald, and Faulkner. Every book is a masterpiece. Readings include: "The Professor's House"; "The Sound and the Fury"; "The Great Gatsby"; "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" and "The Age of Innocence"

22 McCosh Hall Princeton, NJ 08544

(609) 258-4061

english@princeton.edu


2016

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 5–8 PM Food · Silent DJ · Student performances · T-shirts

Arlee’s Raw Blends · The Bent Spoon · Conte’s Pizza and Bar · Fruity Yogurt · Hoagie Haven Jammin’ Crepes · McCaffrey’s Food Markets · Mistral · Nomad Pizza · Olives · Porta Via Princeton Pi · Princeton Tour Company · Small World Coffee · Thomas Sweet Chocolate Tiger Noodles · Wawa · Whole Earth Center · The Yankee Doodle Tap Room The Nassau Street Sampler is made possible by the generous support of Heather and Paul G. Haaga Jr., Class of 1970.

always free and open to the public artmuseum.princeton.edu


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