Reconnecting... (Frosh Issue 2021) by The Princeton Tiger

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 1

REL 263: Gabriel Citron

Religion and its Modern Critics

Fall 2021 Courses

The most penetrating critiques of Christianity have the power to unsettle our sense of self and disrupt our most natural ways of being - for Christians and non-Christians alike. For these critiques don't focus on attacking religious beliefs alone; rather, they target many of the deepest values, attitudes, and tendencies at the core of Christianity and Christian-molded cultures, and perhaps even at the core of our humanity. This course explores some of the key 19th and 20th century critiques of Christianity. It will involve opening ourselves up to the self-reckoning demanded by the likes of Kierkegaard, Emerson, Nietzsche, Baldwin, and Butler.

REL 100: Jenny Wiley Legath

REL 352: Elaine Pagels

This course introduces students to the interdisciplinary study of religion and its engagement with society and culture. We will identify where and how religion operates in the public conversation, especially in, but not limited to, the United States. Classes will be focused around topics that intersect with religion in the public conversation such as place, media, race, body, art, and ethics. Students will develop recognition of the different ways people use religion to construct meaning, boundaries, and identity and will demonstrate the ability to engage in informed dialogue around issues of religion.

Who Was - or is - Jesus In History, Art, Film, Music, Politics? What do we actually know about Jesus of Nazarcth? We start by looking at the earliest known sources-accounts in the New Testament; what Jewish, Roman, Greek contemporaries said of him, and also ancient gospels not in the NT (like the Gospel of Thomas, Gospel of Mary Magdalene), Next, we'll explore an amazing range of interpretations of Jesus in art, poetry, music, theology, and politics, throughout 2000 years to the present, including newly emerging views.

Religion and the Public Conversation

REL 236/NES 236: Rebecca Faulkner

Introduction to Islam

This course is an introduction to Islam survey for undergraduates. The course is framed in terms of Muslims' self-understanding and includes pre-modern, modern, and contemporary sources. It begins in pre-Islamic Arabia and ends with contemporary material. We will use a variety of media, including art, music, and ﬁlm to emphasize the varieties of Muslim experience and explore the contestations and adaptations of what it means to be Muslim.

REL 246/JDS246: Martha Himmelfarb

Ancient Judaism from Alexander to the Rise of Islam This course offers an introduction to the development of ancient Judaism during the eventful millennium from the establishment of the Torah as the constitution of the Jewish people in the ﬁfth century BCE--an event that some have seen as marking the transition from biblical religion to Judaism--to the completion of the other great canonical Jewish document, the Babylonian Talmud, in perhaps the sixth century CE.

REL 251/HLS 251/MED 251: Jonathan Henry

The New Testament and Christian Origins How did Jesus' earliest followers interpret his life and death? What were secret initiation rites and love feast gatherings about? How did women participate in leadership? How did the Roman government react to this movement and why did Jesus' followers suffer martyrdom? How did early Christians think about the end of the world, and what did they do when it did not happen? This course is an introduction to the Jesus movement in the context of the Roman Empire and early Judaism. We examine texts in the New Testament (the Christian Bible) and other relevant sources, such as lost gospels, Dead Sea scrolls, and aspects of material culture.

REL 254: Wallace Best

Who Was or Is Jesus?

REL 357/HIS 310: Seth Perry

Religion in Colonial America and the New Nation This class covers the history of religion in America from European contact through the 1840s or so. Emphasis will be on primary readings, organized chronologically around a few recurrent themes: contact and exchange; authority and dissent; the relationship between theological reasoning and everyday life. We'll pay particular attention to changing conceptions of religion's role in social organization and competing religious views of human nature over time.

REL 373/AAS 320: Eziaku Nwokocha

Studies in Religion: Spirit Possession in Caribbean Religions This course is designed to explore the possession experiences in Caribbean Religions. Through historical, ethnographic, autobiographical, literary and visual texts this course examines complex, gendered practices within the possession process, the vibrant spiritual energy that sustains communal connections during religious ceremonies, and the transnational imaginations that animate Caribbean religious practices in the Americas. Special attention will be given to Santeria, Candomble, Vodou, Myal, Palo Monte, and Revival Zion in the Americas.

REL394/CHV 394: Ryan Darr

Environmental Ethics and Modern Religious Thought The current ecological crisis is often attributed to the effects of religion, especially Christianity. Focusing primarily on Christian theology and ethics (with some signiﬁcant attention to Jewish thought as well), this course surveys and critically analyzes the emergence of religious discourses around environmental and animal ethics. The ﬁrst half of the course considers recent works in "ecotheology." The second half of the course turns to particular ethical topics: climate change, environmental racism, biodiversity conservation, animal welfare, and food.

Modern Evangelicalism in the United States

REL 399: Seth Perry

This course will trace the history of American Evangelicalism from its roots in the early nineteenth century to rise of the Religious Right in the 1980s and birth of "right wing politics" of the twenty-ﬁrst century. We will note key ﬁgures, events, and institutional expressions of evangelicalism, as well as its large impact on American politics and popular culture.

First semester junior majors participate in a colloquium with a member or members of the faculty. In addition to assignments throughout the term that prepare majors to research and write a junior paper (JP), students are expected to produce a ﬁve to seven-page JP proposal.

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

Princeton University

Junior Colloquium

For more information visit:

http://religion.princeton.edu

September, 2021 Vol. CXXXVIII No. 1 u n d e r g r a d u at e b o a r d chair editor-in-chief art director editors

staff writers

Amanda Vera ‘22 Danielle Jenkins ‘23 Imaan Khasru ‘23 Nate Perlmeter ‘22 Jamie Feder ’23 Sophie Gerchikov ‘23 Maddie Winter ‘22 Liana Slomka ‘22 Mel Hornyak ‘23 Amanda Kural ‘23 Ethan Magistro ‘24 Marko Petrovic ‘24 Jupiter Ding ‘24 Imaan Khasru ‘23 Rosemary Paulson ‘23 Sydney Spector ‘24 Christopher Speed ‘24 Jamie Rodriguez ‘24 design

staff artists

staff design

Elie Svoll ‘22 Bob Schofner ‘22 Imaan Khasru ‘23 Grace Rocker ‘23 Imaan Khasru ‘23 Mel Hornyak ‘23

b u s i n e s s a n d a d m i n i s t r at i o n business manager web warlock

Ethan Magistro ‘24 Gagik Amaryan ‘22

Cover by Imaan Khasru ‘22 Copy editing by Danielle Jenkins ‘23 Back Cover by The Princeton Tiger Alumni g r a d u at e b o a r d president vice-president treasurer secretary advisory cartoonist

Charles Coxe ’97 Ed Strauss ’72 Jose Pincay-Delgado ’77 Mark Daniels ’06 Michael C. Witte ’66

Sean Cunningham ’98, Chip Deffaa ’73, Mark Dowden ’84, John Farr ’81, Ed Finn ’02, Tom Gibson ’77, Jim Kirchman ’88, Clint Kakstys ’00, Rob Kutner ’94, Jim Lee ’86, Steve Liss ’10, Stephen Moeller ’99, Bryan Walsh ’01, Bret Watson ’82 legal mumbo jumbo

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A message from the chair You know those days when you wake up peacefully in a room still dim and warm, and you rise and you stretch, let the delight of rest steer you into a twirl, and find yourself looking into the judgemental burn of your preceptor’s eyes? I do, aged as I am. I’m dusting off this mental relic, not just the lecture nap, but the lecture itself, and trying it on for size. Will it fit right? Will the speaker’s characterless drone feel small without the sound of me slurping ramen layered over it? The warm light paired with my blue-attuned world? Will the dramatic cascade of the hall enhance me, or will it just make my ass look fat? These are questions I’m sure we’re all asking ourselves as we anticipate the new semester, and it’s natural to wonder if things will feel the same. But I think it’s a mistake to let the old come with the new. The void of the past year has prevented the usual transfer - of traditions, cultures, expectations, lore. It has left in its wake a bare and expansive canvas for your hands to illustrate a new Princeton from scratch, borne of your most vivid imaginations and your preferred angle of penis drawings. I urge you to take this opportunity seriously. Rewrite the culture. Make Princeton the kind of place where people rub cheeks to say hello and shampoo their friends’ hair in return for a favor. Take a break every class where we just stand up for a minute and practice gratitude for each other’s legs. Hold bizarre rituals. Involve great uncles more frequently in our proceedings.

I don’t know, go crazy - bring back “What it is” as a totally cool and normal way to open a conversation, and this time, let’s not ignore how absolutely aggro it is. Lean into it, say it with conviction. Go further, make mysterious sentence fragments happen in general. Greet your friends with a straight-faced “Where it went.” Start a lunch date with a potent “Why it happened”. Next thing you know, you’re bursting into your 9AM precept with a sunken face and suddenly alabaster skin, barking “What was the motive”. But that’s just the kind of spontaneity I’m talking about. Why aren’t we all half-immersed in a perpetual true crime episode? If it’s what the heart wants, or what it chaotically summons after feverish Princeton-brand exhaustion, it’s what the community needs. And if you’re reading this and thinking “My God, this is a campaign for the complete bastardization of the Princeton social landscape,” I saw you asleep in zoom lecture surrounded by empty shots of half & half. None of us have a leg to stand on anymore. In sum, be free. Join a dope comedy magazine, dance like nobody’s watching, love like you’ve never been hurt. But only if you goddamn want to.

THE PRINCETON TIGER

With love,

Amanda Vera ‘22 Chairman

SEPTEMBER 2021 3

Drinks to Pregame Firestone

The Local 3 Parts Liberal Christian Holy Water, 2 Parts Upper Lip Sweat From Kung Fu Tea Employees, 1 wet kiss from a senior citizen The URGÑÑHHH 1 part Spinach, 2 parts protein powder, 5 parts Diesel The Muse 2 parts Mountain Dew, 1 part gamer girl bath water The Degradation Kink 4 parts Vodka, 1 part your roommate’s spittle The Last Resort It’s just antifreeze. The Firebreather 6 parts Redbull

AMANDA VERA ‘22 Illustrated by DANIELLE JENKINS ‘23

Freedom to Pass - A Conversation with Princeton’s Youngest Female Cult Leader It’s a warm October day in Central New Jersey. The black squirrels are nipping at discarded packing peanuts and the birds peck at the dead lantern flies among crushed four loko cans. A woman with a slender jaw and almost bug-like eyes sits gracefully at a table outside of a place the students affectionately call the Slums, much to the chagrin of the socially conscious. She blows her nose into a dining hall napkin. This girl - woman - is Candi P. Khan, the founder of Princeton’s most successful cult.

of constitution gives Americans freedom of speech, freedom of press, freedom of assembly, freedom of petition. And you know what else?

DJ : Candi, can you outline your Princeton journey for me? Just to start.

I know isn’t it.

CK : It started out as quite normal, well as normal as things could be. Things really started changing when I entered my third week of freshman year. Syllabi had been handed out. Readings were assigned. People who didn’t know each other were already forming study groups. I realized that this was not my path. One morning I looked in the communal bathroom mirror at my reflection and said to her “this just will not do”. To to my surprise the rhythmic thumps in the nearby stall paused and two voices called out, “shut the fuck up”. So I did, I shut the fuck up and I started planning -

A million things were coming together at once. My head was spinning. I was thinking a mile a minute for days. At one point I was lying on dark blue sheets and it all came to me. Our University’s President’s words echoed in my head and I took a break from the mediocre cunnilingus to write down my ideas.

Planning to choose your major? No. My bad, spoke too soon. I started planning. I was going to be here for four years and people were already telling me what to do. But luckily. On the first day of constitutional interpretation class I learned about a little thing called the first amendment. Tell me more. So this is where it gets juicy. This tiny piece

You tell me Freedom of freaking religion Ahhhhh, that is a good one. And what did this mean to you at this moment?

What was this grand idea? Ever since admission to Princeton, we have been bombarded by heinous words and then defenses by free speech. We listen to oppressive language and it is justified by “academic discourse”. I realized it was my turn to shake things up and get people talking. I was going to pass my classes. What was the first step you took towards this plan? First I was fully assured by a first-year intern at the office of religious life that if I were to create a religion on campus, it was to be respected fully by the university...probably. I soon sent out a listserv inviting people to the

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

first boba study break to introduce followers to my idea: a subversion of freedom of speech and an expression of freedom of religion. We were forming a cult where the main tenet was failure to participate in class. How did this philosophy expand? Over the next few weeks I began drafting our manifesto in google docs. When it came time to distribute our manifesto to professors during class, I tasked the “cult bitch”, Kyle, with printing them out at Firestone Library. He complained, “those are the slowest ‘’ and “I don’t want to print in color”. I told him, “stop bitching”. Each of our followers wordlessly and obediently placed these pamphlets on their instructors desks before class. Do you know how this behavior will affect your grades? I have no idea but I am hoping our professors do the right thing and choose to respect our freedom of silence and our right to express our beliefs through passivity. It’s two weeks until finals, have you really not checked your grades? No, we choose to have faith in our process, our professors, and truly believe that our administration lacks the hypocrisy it would take to challenge our faith. If anyone is allowed to say anything, who can stop us from saying nothing? Danielle Jenkins ‘23

Princeton removes Christopher L. Eisgruber’s name from President Eisgruber

A recently-taken screenshot of the President’s biography at https://president.princeton.edu/.

In an announcement that has sent ripples throughout the University community, President Eisgruber revealed that Christopher L. Eisgruber’s name has officially been removed from President Eisgruber. “Without a doubt, Christopher Eisgruber has made a number of tremendous contributions to the University,” the President wrote. “However, if we wish to be honest about his legacy, we cannot dismiss his deeply flawed character.” “Eisgruber is perhaps the most extraordinarily deplorable person to have played a part in Princeton’s recent history—if not American history. His contemptible thinking and policies are undeniably irreconcilable with our fundamental values.” Explained the man who had previously beared Eisgruber’s name, “we must remain cognizant of our university’s commitment to act as, at the very least, a marginally respectable presence in society.” One alum, who wished to stay anonymous, told me that they believed the change was long overdue. “I never understood why he associated himself

with Eisgruber in the first place,” the alum commented. “But the fact that Princeton’s president is no longer connected to Eisgruber, that’s at least one step in the right direction.” The same alum recalled a past Reunions event where they accidentally spilled their beverage on themselves after “that sleazeball [Eisgruber]” supposedly bumped into them. Afterward, the alum asserted, “he turned around and shouted ‘ayo this fella drinking Bud Light’ and everyone laughed.” On the other hand, many members of the University community have expressed their disapproval of the decision. Multiple Princetonians voiced their grievances anonymously via the Facebook group Tiger Confessions#, with one user calling the removal of Eisgruber’s name an “imbecilic proliferation of cancel culture” unfairly applied to a man from a “different time and era.” Another post stated: “Why does the President think he has the right to dictate what everybody should think about [Eisgruber]?” The author also claimed that the President’s “hurtful

and unconstructive” comments about Eisgruber had no place in a community that cherishes “mutually respectful conversations.” A new name for the man formerly known as Christopher L. Eisgruber is yet to be determined. Update: The President released a follow-up announcement that rebuffed rumors surrounding a potential replacement name. “A number of recent statements, publications, and postings on social media have referred to me as ‘David S. Pumpkins,’ an eccentric character from the TV show Saturday Night Live,” the President wrote. “Apparently, the name is inspired by our shared affinity for tacky, black-andorange suits . . . I find this association to be not only irritating, but also downright insulting.” He concluded the message as follows: “From now on, any bastard who calls me [Pumpkins] will be forced to change their name to Woodrow Wilson. Please believe that.”

THE PRINCETON TIGER

WOODROW WILSON ‘24 (FORMERLY JUPITER DING)

SEPTEMBER 2021 5

ClassPath+ Subscription Service With the highly successful rollout of ClassPath in the past year, administration members have looked to expand the content available on the platform in new and exciting ways. Enter ClassPath+, a new video streaming service in the likes of Disney+, Hulu, and Netflix. “We’re really excited about this project,” Jill Dolan said in an announcement on Friday. “We hope it will provide extra, interesting orientation material for our students, as well as a place that creators can spearhead their own original content.” As of now, the service will feature more orientation videos, including how to navigate the underground tunnels, what food to order at late meal, and how to deal with ant infestations. It also includes several original series, including a limited edition cooking show featuring President Eisgruber, a behind-the-scenes series on the construction work on Perelman and Untitled Residential College 8, and a variety of shows headed by student content creators. Starting at $6.99, ClassPath+ will become available on August 24. “Nice,” Marty MacNeil ’25 said in response to the fee. Other students were less pleased. “Who’s going to pay $6.99 a month for this?” Denny Oldman ’24 asked. “I don’t want to watch a stupid student-led series on DIY projects I can do with my extra beer cans. I’ll just throw that shit away. Wait. Hold on. I’m not underage drinking. Wait, leave my name off of this please, make it anonymous or something—”

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Angie Hu ’25, meanwhile, argued that ClassPath+ would exacerbate class divisions among the freshmen. “This is highly unfair to students who cannot afford the $6.99 charge,” Angie said. “What if I wanted to watch the extra orientation material, like the videos on how to spend your time when you’re waiting in line to shower? That sounds really interesting.” In a recent town hall meeting, Dean Dolan answered a few of the concerns raised by students. “We will try our best to make sure that access to ClassPath+ is as equitable as possible. ClassPath+ does come with a 30-day free trial, and students can split the cost of the service in a family plan style,” Dean Dolan explained. “We’re also toying with the idea of a ClassPath+ student discount, or bundling the ClassPath+ service with other services we’re rolling out soon, like AlcoholEdu+.” Until then, students can pre-sign up for ClassPath+. “It’s going to be excellent,” Dean Dolan said. “To another great year!” GRACE XU ’22

Cockroach Club? : Following Recent Roachatarian Crisis, Roaches on Campus Request their own Eating Club The ongoing crisis, beginning August 17th and peaking the week of September 1st, resulted in the deaths of hundreds of roaches all over campus. Roaches on campus report an extremely hostile environment ever since students began returning for the fall 2021 semester. Their solution: a roach only eating club. This is not the first time this solution has been suggested. Following the outrage caused by the roach massacre of January 2021, the university created a committee to evaluate and accommodate the safety of roaches in the Princeton community. However, over the summer recess staff turnover resulted in the dissolution of this committee. “This process is cyclical: tragedy, taskforce, complacency. It’s exhausting for us who are trying to exist,” Roacheph Cock, 3 weeks, tells us “I just want a place where I don’t see a sneaker or a rolled up magazine everywhere I look.” “We are members of this community too and we don’t deserve to feel threatened by underdeveloped hormone tanks that refuse to share their space with vulnerable creatures,” says Brittany Crunch, 8 weeks. “I think it should be at a centralized location,” suggests an anonymous roach. Human allies have reached out to the administration and have received no response. These compassionate humans have turned to social media to ask their fellow students for shoeboxes in which to host roach affinity groups and safe meal spaces. For more information follow @princeton_roach_society on IG and Twitter If you have any roach food or supplies to donate email: princetonroachsociety@princeton.edu

DANIELLE JENKINS ‘23

Fanfic about STraight man

Dear hopelessly romantic yet also sexually inexperienced freshman,

Before I begin this letter I would just like to say YOU WERE HOT IN HIGH SCHOOL. You were just insecure. Anyway, I’d like to tell you a COMPLETELY made up scenario that if you’re not careful could happen to you once, twice, thrice, or for the entirety of your time here at princeton. Today is Tuesday. You met a really nice guy in class today. Plus he’s soooo cute! Ok, you showed your friends his tigerbook profile because “he’s not really the social media type”. He’s definitely not hot but it’s his personality you know? Sort of ugly hot. But, again, his personality seems sweet! He smiled at you. It’s Thursday. You see him in class again. He asks for your number! What?! This never used to happen in high school. Ok, play it cool, play it cool. Don’t be your awkward self. You have male friends all the time. Yes, they usually don’t have the same social gravitas as this dude seems to, but it’s no different! You’re just studying. After you barely study you get dinner at the dhall. It’s a bad day for First college dining but you can barely taste it with how distracted those pheromones are making you. Hubbah Hubbah! Then he touches your arm in an obviously romantic way. If you saw it you would know it, you know? Seconds turn to minutes turns to hours. Is this love? This feeling is weirdly intense. He then asks if he can take you on a proper date. Jesus, Buddha, Hashem or Mohammad Is this a romcom?! I guess chivalry isn’t dead! The second date went so well! Afterwards, he invites you over and he kisses you! Oh my god it is a rom-com! You don’t usually do this but the connection feels so strong you decide that just this once you will hook up with someone before dating officially. What a change from high school! You never used to be one of the cool sex-having people before. You are just so glad to get your hands on him. Sure, he isn’t built, but you like really skinny guys, right? No he’s not making you cum either, but that’s a lot to expect from a guy generally, especially the first time. And he would know best, wouldn’t he? As one of the cool sex having people. Hopefully next time he steps up his game!! continued on page 8

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 7

Fanfic about STraight man...continued

You text him to tell him what a great time you had! He should text back any minute, like he’s been texting you before. Or any hour? Any day now? OH GOD! The agony is killing you. Two days later he texted you back, after you pulled your hair out, cried on the floor and wore a grandma-sized pad without replacing it for 14 hours. “Hey Y/N, I had a really good time too. But I want to be honest, I’m not looking for anything right now.“ WHAT! What the hell was that? You were so much hotter than him! You were so much more charming than him! This is how he repays you? Why the fuck did he ask you on a date even? You know you would feel less frustrated if he had made you cum. Whatever, it’s fine, he has every right to change his mind about you, right? You guess that’s what you’re supposed to say. You know what though? You’re a really good person. GOD, if only he knew what a goddamn good person you were. You decide that despite his assholery, you’re going to kill him with kindness, as Selena Gomez once sang. MAybe then he’ll realize he’s missing out on your fine ass. You reply a short but sweet message. “No worries! All good :).” You see him in class again. You smile widely, showing off those dentally corrected teeth your mom paid for and are like “hey.” He doesn’t say anything, just gives a tight lipped smile awkwardly and chooses a seat on the other side of the lecture room. Now you may be asking yourself, “Wow this sounds like a super realistic story, the author probably based on her own experiences, how can I avoid this fate myself??” The answer to that, my young friend, is to avoid straight men. The thing is, straight men are not people, like the rest of us. In fact, any so-called “man” you see is just a robot created by capitalist forces to uphold patriarchal female subjugation. Each man you meet is intended by their higher power to degrade you and make you feel inferior, so that by the end of your dealings with them you are ready to be treated mediocrely by an entirely unattractive, uninteresting specimen or otherwise face a life of solitude. My advice to you is to get out of the system while you can, or forever regret it.

JAMIE FEDER ‘23

10 Red Flags Indicating That Your Frosh Week Fling is Actually Just Your Dad Making Sure You’re Having a Good Time With all the pent-up pheromones and start-of-college excitement going on around here, you won’t be alone in finding a little September romance coming your way. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that. Provided you follow these simple tips and make sure that your non-platonic new conquest is also non-paternal. 1.

You meet at the Whitman College ice cream social after dinner on move-in day. There you are in line and there he is with a boy-nextdoor handsomeness. Perhaps even a little closer than next door, even. You can’t help but introduce yourself. “Hi,” you say, “I’m [your name here].” He grins back, as does one so well teed up he cannot possibly miss. “Hi, [your name here], I’m…” and with a note of disappointment he adds “Mark.” 2. After OA, you reconnect at the next dining hall lunch. He’s excited to see you again and asks very exacting questions about your purchases and applications of sunscreen and bug spray. He gets really deep in on the bug spray, and is seemingly annoyed you don’t know the “DEET caliber.” Whatever that is. 3. That night’s your first time on the street, and you make sure to have the same route through the eating clubs as your budding beau. On the Cloister dance floor, you notice he doesn’t seem to know the words to Mr. Brightside, or Sicko Mode, and seems positively put off by WAP. But he lights up, absolutely lights up, when the DJ has clearly run out of ideas and puts on September by Earth, Wind, and Fire. 4. Toddling back from the clubs, you end up at Wawa. He insists on getting one of the cold turkey sandwiches from the fridge on the wall opposite the hot food station. Mutters something about “the virtue of frugality.” 5. You end up holding hands and watching the stars on Poe Field. “They’re so beautiful,” you say. “I think that’s Cassiopeia,” he says.” “Huh?” you reply. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Cassiopeia, just a minute I definitely have a telescope in the den somewhere.” He skulks away, your mysterious stranger. 6. Thirty minutes later, you find him at the Clapp Hall pool table. He has been chalking a cue the entire time. 7. You kiss and his mustache is as stiff as the day is long. You don’t know what artificial hair necessarily feels like but this would be it. 8. You smile to yourself, now in his room, sitting on his bed. He opens up his intel 1600 WorkBook and fires up the DVD of Saving Private Ryan that was already in there. 9. Things start to get hot and heavy. As he removes your bra, humming the theme from Dallas, he asks very nicely if you want this. “Yes.” “And you’re eating?” “Yes.” “And the professors aren’t so bad, aren’t they?” “Well, I guess not yet.” “Take all the time you need and let us know when we can visit!” He smiles and you smile and try not to parse it too much. 10. Real bad cunnilingus And those are just some of ‘em!

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

NATE PERLMETER ‘22

Whoa: This Guy Knows Every Word to Mr. Brightside Sources close to the matter report that at 1:34 AM in the Charter Club last Friday it was confirmed that Jake Burnell, 20, can sing along in near-synchronization to every single lyric of the 2002 The Killers hit “Mr. Brightside.” Bystanders were awed when, knowing exactly (or roughly) how many beats of the shimmery guitar intro to wait before starting, the junior and SPIA major recited the entire tale of cuckolding woe from start to finish with nary a mumble or shrug. Perhaps even more impressively, he spent the entire bravado performance simultaneously dancing, a routine clearly of his own choreography consisting of a series of hundreds of identical vertical springjumps. “I thought it was something when he knew all the words to “Turn Down For What,” said Sam Neus, 19, a fan. “But then “Brightside” goes on, and it has so many more words, and he was in there! He sang the whole thing! For all to hear! Astonishing.” Several female dance floor participants preferred to stay anonymous but nonetheless confirmed that the performance had made Burnell factually the most eligible bachelor on campus. Especially impressive is that he even knows the words to the second verse. The Tiger is currently investigating a potential challenger, who is rumored to be bringing his mastery of “Sweet Caroline” to the dance floor this coming weekend to confront the current alpha male.

NATE PERLMETER ‘22

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 9

16 Personalities Quiz 1. Have you decided your major? a. Yes, I’ve picked a BSE major. b. Undecided in BSE c. I’ve picked an AB major. d. Undecided in AB 2. What’s your res college? a. First b. Forbes c. Whitman d. Rocky e. Mathey f. Butler

a. Jeffrey Bezos b. Sonia Sotomayor c. Woodrow Wilson d. Michelle Obama e. Brooke Shields

10. Opinions on Fine Hall a. Ew math b. Ugly c. Pretty! d. What’s Fine Hall?

6. When did you have writing sem assigned? a. Fall b. Spring

11. What’s a better mascot than the tiger? a. Chicken, cooked in olive oil b. Chicken, grilled c. Chicken, fried d. Chicken, sandwich from Wendy’s e. You like Wendy’s??

7. Pick a color: a. Red b. Blue c. Mint 3. You see Eisgruber on cam- d. Green pus, you… e. Purple a. Greet him politely f. Iridescent b. Avoidavoidavoidavoid 8. Yes? c. Pretend you don’t know a. Yeah who he is and make him b. No introduce c. Nah himself d. K d. Throw eggs e. Show him @eisgruberme9. Pick an eating club: mes a. Cannon 4. What do you think of the b. Terrace c. Cloister Daily d. Ivy Princetonian? e. Tower a. I’m a staff writer! f. Cap b. I hate it. g. Charter c. What’s that? d. Idk but I follow their insta- h. Quad i. Colonial gram. j. TI 5. Princeton alum you most k. Cottage admire:

12. Do you pee in the shower? a. Yes. b. No. 13. Peanut butter? a. Smooth b. Crunchy c. I don’t like peanut butter d. I’m allergic 14. Do you know what a runningback is? a. Yeah, duh b. Nope c. I’ve heard it before d. Shouldn’t there be a space between running and back? 15. Who’s your perfect roommate? a. Pre-Law b. Pre-Med c. Pre-Corporate-America d. Pre-Unemployed

If you had... more C’s than V’s…. you’re more Chad than Virgin more V’s than C’s…. you’re more Virgin than Chad more B’s than L’s…. you’re more Bootlicker than Libertarian more L’s than B’s…. you’re more Libertarian than Bootlicker more H’s than T’s…. you’re more Hornyleftist than Torylover more T’s than H’s…. you’re more Torylover than Hornyleftist more A’s than S’s…. you’re more Astrology Girl than Stockmarket Boy more S’s than A’s…. you’re more Stockmarket Boy than Astrology Girl

Answer Key

1. a. (V, B, S) b. (V, T) c. (B, H, S) d. (C, A) 2. a. L b. V c. T d. B e. S f. H 3. a. T, B, S b. V c. C, L d. L, H e. A

5. a. S, B, V b. A, B c. T, B d. L, C e. H, L, V 6. a. V, B, T, S b. C, L, H, A

8. a. B, V b. L, T c. C, S

10. a. A, C b. S, B c. L, H d. V, T 11. a. H, L, A b. C, T, S c. V, H, B d. C, L, S e. B, T, A

4. a. V, B b. L, H c. C, A d. S

7. a. T b. S, C c. B d. H e. L f. V, A

9. a. C b. H c. A d. T, S e. B f. H, L g. T h. C, L i. V, T j. B, S k. A, C

12. a. V, L, H, S b. C, B, T, A 13. a. C, B, H b. C, L, A c. V, T, S d. V, H 14. a. V, T, S b. L, H, A c. B, H, S d. C, T, A 15. a. H, B, C b. T, B, V c. S, T, B, C d. A, H, L, V d. H, A

SYDNEY SPECTOR ’24

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

Are you an impostor at Princeton? 1. How were your SAT scores? A. So big, people didn’t think it existed ‘til recently! B. Humble, but got the job done! C. “Higher than my weight” D. Nonexistent! 2. What’s your favourite M&M? A. Blue! B. Red! C. Brown. 3. Political inclination? A. Blue! B. Red!

7. How would you describe yourself? A. Fun! B. Organized! C. Sexy, sophisticated. D. Sweet! Mostly A’s: You’re not an imposter, you’re the flawed and forgivable heart of Princeton, the kinda student who makes other students happy to be here.

D. Green!

C. Absolute dictatorship. D. Green!

4. Describe your everyday look! A. A plain t-shirt and baggy pair of jeans! B. Super-short skirt, oversized sweatshirt, and hoops! C. Fully nude. Except for glasses, gloves, and heels. D. Shorts and chunky sneakers! 5. What do you love most in the world? A. My friends! B. Myself! C. Power. D. Nature! 6. How did you spend the summer? A. Watching Netflix! B. Working full-time at Goldman! C. Being voiced by first black Miss America and Grammy-nominated Desperate Housewife star Vanessa Williams. D. Babysitting Rashida Jones and Ezra Koenig’s new baby!

Mostly B’s: Please never write a misogynistic and elitist novel whose promo will be published in journalistic gold in the New York Post. Mostly C’s: Yes, and the imposter that you are is the Brown M&M. Who do you think you’re fooling, your skin bearing the same colour as your flesh? Is this some kind of sick joke to you? Or worse still, is your skin transparent, and all your organs on display? In fact, the only thing about you of which I’m sure is that you’re a psychopathic sycophant setting the feminist movement back 50 years with your unrealistic body standards and “weight less than your IQ.” You look brown but call yourself “peach” like some representation-baiting role cast for Taylor Lautner. You disgust me. Go straight to Jail. Mostly D’s: You’re not an imposter, I think you might actually be Jeff Bezos’ secret legacy child. IMAAN KHASRU ‘23

Taking on the Pre-Read DOCTOR: “Which arm would you like your vaccine shot “Have you finished this year’s Pre-read?” Sir, this is an Arby’s/Wawa/Wendy’s. in? You may experience some soreness” READER: “Well… I need my left hand to support the left “Have you finished this year’s Pre-read?” side of the Pre-read” Almost, but I hate having to use Duo Mobile Authentication DOCTOR: “So the right arm then?” every time I start a new chapter. READER: “...but I also need my right hand to turn the Pre“Have you finished this year’s Pre-read?” read’s pages” No I’m trying to get a microfridge DOCTOR: “...” (or, “No, I’m trying to get a microfridge since there isn’t any AC READER: “What about my tail?” in Holder)

((or, “No, I’m trying to get a microfridge since there isn’t any AC in Holder. If I dislocate a couple ribs I’m pretty sure I can fit in 45 3/8 ” H x 19 5/8’ W x 19 ¾” D))

“Have you finished this year’s Pre-read?” Yeah, “Garfield Large & in Charge” right?

CHRISTOPHER SPEED ‘24

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 11

University spends $18 million installing a “covert” surveillance system to monitor students during the fall semester

WOODROW WILSON ‘24 (FORMERLY JUPITER DING)

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

MyHousing Available Rooms 2021 GRACE XU ’22

UNDERCLASSMAN

Campbell Quad, Rocky This historic room comes with a bay window, boarded-up fireplace, and the occasional crapper. Make sure to check out your trash cans if you notice any strange smells.

Bloomberg Single, Butler A stunning, wooden-floored, well lit room with a beautiful view of Poe field. 1bath/ shower shared with neighbor. AC unit. Sounds nice, huh? You won’t get this dorm. 1927 Quad, First Spacious 2-bedroom, shared bathroom unit Baker Basement Double, Whitman with no AC, who knows what style flooring, How did you manage to get Whitman as and a permanent air of mustiness. With your residential college and get stuck in a its precious lack of common spaces, this double? Loser. This cramped room comes dorm will prevent any rebellious thoughts with one tiny window, bunked beds, and you might have regarding protests. Will you a study across the hall. Because the desks look at this blinking light over here? Repeat don’t fit in your miserable, squished room. after me: nothing bad happens at Princeton. Nothing bad happens at Princeton. All hail President Eisgruber. All hail President Eisgruber.

UPPERCLASSMAN

Annex Single, Forbes A stunning… eh who am I kidding. This lovely asylum-looking unit comes with flying ant infestations, the occasional deer break-in, and daily views of your local beer-bellied white dads playing shitty golf. Little Quad, Mathey Roomy, semi-lit 2-bedroom unit with… grey? Rubber? Flooring? Don’t ask. Amenities include proximity to gym and U-Store and very little else. Chad’s Single Oh my Lord. Something has died here. That stain wasn’t on the carpet yesterday? Jesus Christ. Do not look at the stain on the carpet. Do not smell the stain on the carpet.

Cuyler Dorm A lovely grey-scale room designed with grey stone, grey hallways, and a grey fireplace. Comes with unwanted roommates, and yes, by that I do mean cockroaches. 4th Floor Brown Quad Cramped, barely 3-room dorm. More like 1 room and 2 half-rooms. This absolute steal of a room is equipped with a free daily exercise service since this hall does not come with an elevator. Good luck, LOL. Dodd Bilevel Rare find, as the rest of Dodd is pure garbage. Spelman Dorms A modern, I.M. Pei-designed building with horrifically dangerous staircases. Includes patio, 4 bedrooms, full kitchen, and AC unit. Gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows where everyone can see everything you’re doing. Please, for the love of God, close your blinds. Scully Jack and Jill Quiet, roomy dorm designed with the thinnest walls the construction workers could find. Free ambiance noises provided as the flush of the 100 bathrooms can be heard at all hours of the day. Patton/Wright Dorm Average, by-the-numbers college dorm. Comes with a no-charge maze game as you attempt to find the laundry room on your first day. The Slums, All of Them Disgusting.

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 13

Ten Things Every Go-Getting Princeton Freshman Should Know Congratulations on making it through orientation! As you know, Princeton life is nothing like the high school life you’re leaving behind, where you were the top dog in your class and where you very likely had the best ass. Here at Old Nassau, you’re back at the bottom of the totem pole, aiming for the top. Here’s ten things YOU can do to jumpstart your climb up. 1. Go to a different school Nothing shows you’re more serious about your GPA than leaving Princeton after one day of classes and transferring somewhere else. God knows you aren’t going to find academic success here. 2. Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain: Eisgruber 20:7: Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. I know I just did it in number one, but I’m already a lost cause. 3. Try not to be like your disgusting, drunk Uncle Jack Don’t be like your old, raggedy uncle who’s wasted by 3:00 PM every day. All his best years are behind him, and he regrets everything. He’s too old to change. He doesn’t even know you’re in the room damn it, just let him wallow in his own filth.

the temptation of sloppily making out with your CHM 202 professor while sexily ripping your clothes off until after class ends, so as not to interrupt their lecture. Your classmates will thank you! 8. Discuss your course load with your advisor Yeah, seven courses your first semester is a great idea! Why not just chop your own genitalia off while you’re at it? The academic stress will make you infertile, anyway. 9. Fall down the steps frequently One of the best ways to show you’re serious about success is to tumble down the stairs, knees first, whenever another Princetonian is nearby. This shows that you’re serious about getting the hard work done, but also want to have fun. 10. Constantly compare yourself to everyone and everything Your cousin Fitzgerald is a straight A student and already has an internship at Goldman Sachs. How come you aren’t like that? It’s ok, I understand that you’re “burnt out.” Doesn’t seem like Fitzgerald ever gets burnt out, but I guess we can’t all be as accomplished as him. I’m sure you’ll be happy in the circus, though! I heard they were looking for a chimpanzee to do tricks. Good luck Freshman!

4. Don’t Trust the T in Wright 403 We all know that the freshmen are the most eager to party, but for the love of all things holy don’t trust the T in Wright 403. God. Just don’t, ok? Promise me. PROMISE ME! 5. Write for the Princeton Tiger Magazine Once I started writing for the Tiger, my GPA shot up, I landed 15 babes, and my dad welcomed me back into the family. What more could you want? 6. Lick every toilet seat you find Princeton students notoriously leave a lot of “luggage” on toilet seats. If you want to get a mere fraction of their brain power, make sure to slobber up all the goop and poop that we Princetonians leave behind. That includes your own! 7. Only french kiss your professor while stripping after class ends You should make sure to resist ADITYA GANDOTRA ‘23

SEPTEMBER 2021 THE PRINCETON TIGER

ETHAN MAGISTRO ‘22

Which Career Is For You? Take This Quiz! 1. What matters most to you in life? (a) Making money and being important (b) I don’t really know. (c) Changing the world for the better (d) Having enough time to do things I like, like Pilates

4. Do you want to have kids? (a) Not until at least my 30’s. Work comes first. I didn’t go to Princeton to be held back by some little obnoxious, blood-sucking, tit-squeezing, bigeyed extortionists. (b) On the one hand I love my kids. But what kind of world am I bringing a child into? I don’t know if 2. What’s your idea of a perfect first date? that’s the right thing to do for my future children. (a) Drinks while comparing our five-year-plans Would I be a good parent? (b) Maybe dinner or something fun like an arcade (c) Yes! I love kids. It’s always been my dream to or ice-skating. Or maybe just staying home and adopt. There are so many children in need of loving watching a movie. Honestly there are so many great families, and it would be my privilege to give them a first date ideas. wonderful home. (c) Volunteering together at the local animal shel- (d) I think that’s a good way to secure a marriage, ter or at a beach cleanup. It’s a great way to bond certainly. I don’t really have a liking for children, and talk about our aspirations. but we’ll find a nanny that will. (d) Let them take me out to a five star restaurant and choose the most expensive item on the menu. 5. If you could have any superpower, what would Maybe if they’re lucky they can take me back to it be? their place. (a) To read people’s minds or travel into the future. Whatever’s more expedient. 3. If no one was there to catch you, would you run (b) I’ve always wanted to be able to fly, so that a red light? would be cool. I am kind of afraid of heights though. (a) Yes. I’d do it even if someone was there. I wonder how safe it would be. I’m sure it would be (b) I don’t think so. Actually, maybe if it was an fine though. Right? emergency? I mean, if there’s no other cars there, I (c) I think it would be amazing to have a magic wouldn’t be putting anyone in danger, right? Wait touch that would provide a lifeblood to anyone or but what if there was a hidden police camera… anything graced by my healing touch. A dry and (c) That’s a more nuanced question than you barren soil made fertile and wet by my finger. A foot might think. What if taking that red light could tarnished by warts, fungus, and ungodly odor that save a family in the backseat of your car that you’re no amount of soap can mask, transformed into Dan saving from their burning home, and you’re trying Schneider’s wildest fantasies and wettest dreams. to get as far away from the fire as possible. It would (d) At the snap of my fingers my Zumba be a moral necessity in that case. instructor appears in my living room (d) I would never be the one driving, so that would be a question to ask my partner or the chauffeur. 6. How do you deal with setbacks? (a) I write them in my notes app to use in future 7. What’s your favorite color? inspirational LinkedIn posts. (a) Green (b) I can be pretty resilient sometimes, but I can (b) I don’t have one also be kind of weak. Like for example, when my (c) Rainbow cat died, I wasn’t fazed at all, but when I went to (d) Shiny the grocery store and saw that someone had taken

all of the bananas, which were on sale, mind you, I collapsed to the ground in a puddle of tears and stayed there until an employee informed me that there have never been bananas in the dairy aisle and that I needed to leave. (c) I’ve learned to embrace challenges and setbacks as a part of life. I persevere and do my best to overcome any obstacles keeping me from achieving my dreams. (d) Divorce Results: If you answered mostly a’s: Based on your interests and priorities, you are meant to be a consultant. If you answered mostly b’s: You are very indecisive, confused, and frankly, directionless. And that is exactly why you’ll get a job in consulting. In the end, you’re not principled or courageous enough to do anything else. Maybe you didn’t think you’d spend the rest of your life discussing the peaks and troughs of the market, but at least you’ll do so well dressed. If you answered mostly c’s: You did it! You don’t care about materialism AND have the spirit required for the life of selfless, thankless drudgery you feel destined to live. You’re still going to be a consultant though. That studio apartment and vegan organic diet aren’t going to pay for themselves. If you answered mostly d’s: You’ve always dreamed of the stay-at-home life. We get it. Work is hard and a rich spouse is the key to an easy life of luxury. Unfortunately, they’re going to divorce you. And you should’ve read more carefully before you signed the prenup. Now you need a job that’ll pay for your growing exotic cat collection. You are going to be a consultant. JAMIE FEDER ’23

THE PRINCETON TIGER

SEPTEMBER 2021 15

We understand that Princeton’s campus can be confusing and difficult to navigate, so here’s a simplified and practical campus map.

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