Something’s fishy about Urban Sustainability By Special K Staff Shoshanna Shapiro
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Junior Andrew Sessions joins advisors Ms Maryann Nielsen and Nicolas Cage of the D.C. Close-Up trip while they carefully examine the Declaration of Independence, looking for embedded clues.
Cage and D.C. Close-Up students steal Declaration By Queen of Nutella Staff Boba Masta Led by world-renowned historian, cryptologist, and popular movie star Nicolas Cage, the juniors and seniors that signed up for the annual CloseUp trip to Washington D.C. teamed up to steal the Declaration of Independence from the National Archives. Since the release of the movie National Treasure, Cage had been looking for a crew of high school students to assist his swindle of the Declaration yet again. Close-Up trip advisor Ms Maryann Nielsen agreed to allow Cage to take over the trip.
Traditionally, juniors and seniors who participated were taken to observe the internal workings of the American government. However, Cage adjusted the trip agenda to suit his plans. “I earnestly believe this was a valuable learning opportunity for the students,” said Cage. “It’s not every day that students get the opportunity to get hands-on experience with such a priceless national treasure.” Students spent the first few days planning out and memorizing the details of the heist and used the last day to successfully execute their plan.
Assisting Cage and the students were Mr. Riley Poole, computer expert, and Dr. Abigail Chase, National Archive employee. “There’s nothing that is more relevant to the American government than the Declaration of Independence itself,” senior Jake Gavenas said. “Thanks to Mr. Cage, this was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime, unforgettable experience.” After obtaining the document, the adults brought it back to SPHS headquarters to be analyzed. Unfortunately, the trip was not filmed for a third installment in the National Treasure series due to late parental consent forms from participants.
The South Pasadena Educational Foundation formally revoked its $1,000 grant to SPHS club Urban Sustainability last Tuesday after discovering that the true goal of the club is to practice environmentally friendly mass murder. This club had claimed to be building a “fish tank” and “beds for growing plants,” but the truth was revealed when blueprints for a human limb chopper were discovered in the closet of science teacher Mr. Don Wielenga’s classroom in lieu of any Aquaponic materials. Club founders seniors Ella Hardy, Angelise Slifkin, and Austin Kahn have since appealed the revocation, claiming that the alleged chopper was just for decoration and that “plans for murder weren’t in mind…yet.” Uninvolved and uninformed senior Amber Laird claims that murder was clearly the goal for the club, as the blueprints were titled “The Eco-Friendly Minimal-Waste Multi-Purpose Mass Murder Machine.” Despite the evidence against them and the poor school record that the founders have (including but not limited to acts of violence, hostility, failed classes and gang-related activities), they have insisted on swearing their alleged innocence to the South Pasadena Board of Education and district superin-
tendent Mr. Joel Shapiro. “Urban Sustainability is more than about the murder,” said co-founder Slifkin. “It’s about giving students what they deserve.” “‘Aquaponics’ is basically ‘waterboarding,’ which is basically ‘murder,’ but with fish,” Kahn said. “I like fish.” “Austin!” Hardy exclaimed. “You can’t say things like that. It makes us sound guilty.” “Yeah… you can’t say that because we’re innocent,” Slifkin said, as she slipped a knife back into her ponytail. Club advisor Wielenga could not comment, as he has been reported missing. He was last seen around the Aquaponics garden, stressing the importance of protecting the environment to his AP Environmental Science class.
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Senior Hector Fernandez’s severed legs rest in the Aquaponics system after being removed on Tuesday.
Commissioner of Publicity Poppy the comfort dog suspect of mass massacre impeached by Associated Student Body By Ames Jasher Staff Triangle Connoisseur Tears and blood were the order of the day on March 27. Weeping students huddled together for comfort and frantic parents dashed in and out of the main office, looking for their children. All of this chaos was caused by none other than the school’s recently recruited “comfort dog,” Poppy. The animal was originally intended to be a source of stress relief for students with anxiety problems on campus, but in an attack that administration is calling “tragic and completely unexpected,” the dog killed 52 South Pasadena High School students. “It was terrifying. She may be small but she’s so powerful. And the worst thing was that it was just such a betrayal of trust. She is supposed to comfort us!” senior Tyler Armstrong said before bursting into tears. Poppy slipped away from her caretaker early Wednesday morn-
ing, and pulled the fire alarm with her teeth in order to herd students out of the classrooms. Authorities have confirmed that Poppy had intoxicated most of the maintenance staff with her soft, fluffy fur, putting them into a comfort-induced trance. She then used her hyper-relaxed minions to lock all of the school gates to prevent escape from her fearsome jaws of vengeance when the time for slaughter came. Though authorities cannot confirm what provoked the attack. they have strong evidence that Poppy’s former owner was director Quentin Tarantino, and that the attack is part of some complex plot with a moving message about humanity that will most likely end in a four-way shootout. Poppy could not be reached for comment. Whatever the reason for the attack, it is clear that Poppy has left her bloody paw print on SPHS history. But, she’s still pretty cute.
By 2-for-1 Earth Ambassadors Commissioner of Publicity Blake Benavides was impeached by the Associated Student Body last week after it was discovered that he was running for office at San Marino High School. “I am devastated to find out that Blake betrayed us like this. He always seemed like such a good
boy, but he was just a little scheming scoundrel all along,” Commissioner General Will Jones said. Benavides stole several cans of blue paint and poster paper from the art and SAC rooms to make his campaign posters at SMHS. The San Marino campus was covered in campaign posters with Benavides’s campaign slogan, “Vote a Mexican,” the same slogan that helped him gain the sup-
Former Commissioner of Publicity Blake Benevides flashed a classic San Marino smirk while donning his SPHS ASB jacket.
port of South Pasadena student voters during his campaign last year. “I never thought he would do something like this to us. I truly believed he would change SPHS for the better. I don’t know what I believe in anymore,” sophomore Julian Lopez said. Commissioner of Finance Phoebe Ou-Yang was the first to discover Benavides’s plans when she spotted him at Half-and-Half Boba carrying cans of blue paint. “I was just enjoying my honey tea boba when I saw him buying a rose tea boba. He looked at me, smirked, and darted off with the cans in his arms,” OuYang said. “He never drank rose tea boba before campaigning at San Marino. It’s heartbreaking.” Benavides has a past of minor infractions while in office. He is the only commissioner in SPHS history to have made the misspelling “Witner” on a large poster advertising Winter Formal. Benavides declined to give any comments. He will turn in his orange ASB jacket today after school.