Something’s fishy about Urban Sustainability By Special K Staff Shoshanna Shapiro
Mucci Gane
Junior Andrew Sessions joins advisors Ms Maryann Nielsen and Nicolas Cage of the D.C. Close-Up trip while they carefully examine the Declaration of Independence, looking for embedded clues.
Cage and D.C. Close-Up students steal Declaration By Queen of Nutella Staff Boba Masta Led by world-renowned historian, cryptologist, and popular movie star Nicolas Cage, the juniors and seniors that signed up for the annual CloseUp trip to Washington D.C. teamed up to steal the Declaration of Independence from the National Archives. Since the release of the movie National Treasure, Cage had been looking for a crew of high school students to assist his swindle of the Declaration yet again. Close-Up trip advisor Ms Maryann Nielsen agreed to allow Cage to take over the trip.
Traditionally, juniors and seniors who participated were taken to observe the internal workings of the American government. However, Cage adjusted the trip agenda to suit his plans. “I earnestly believe this was a valuable learning opportunity for the students,” said Cage. “It’s not every day that students get the opportunity to get hands-on experience with such a priceless national treasure.” Students spent the first few days planning out and memorizing the details of the heist and used the last day to successfully execute their plan.
Assisting Cage and the students were Mr. Riley Poole, computer expert, and Dr. Abigail Chase, National Archive employee. “There’s nothing that is more relevant to the American government than the Declaration of Independence itself,” senior Jake Gavenas said. “Thanks to Mr. Cage, this was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime, unforgettable experience.” After obtaining the document, the adults brought it back to SPHS headquarters to be analyzed. Unfortunately, the trip was not filmed for a third installment in the National Treasure series due to late parental consent forms from participants.
The South Pasadena Educational Foundation formally revoked its $1,000 grant to SPHS club Urban Sustainability last Tuesday after discovering that the true goal of the club is to practice environmentally friendly mass murder. This club had claimed to be building a “fish tank” and “beds for growing plants,” but the truth was revealed when blueprints for a human limb chopper were discovered in the closet of science teacher Mr. Don Wielenga’s classroom in lieu of any Aquaponic materials. Club founders seniors Ella Hardy, Angelise Slifkin, and Austin Kahn have since appealed the revocation, claiming that the alleged chopper was just for decoration and that “plans for murder weren’t in mind…yet.” Uninvolved and uninformed senior Amber Laird claims that murder was clearly the goal for the club, as the blueprints were titled “The Eco-Friendly Minimal-Waste Multi-Purpose Mass Murder Machine.” Despite the evidence against them and the poor school record that the founders have (including but not limited to acts of violence, hostility, failed classes and gang-related activities), they have insisted on swearing their alleged innocence to the South Pasadena Board of Education and district superin-
tendent Mr. Joel Shapiro. “Urban Sustainability is more than about the murder,” said co-founder Slifkin. “It’s about giving students what they deserve.” “‘Aquaponics’ is basically ‘waterboarding,’ which is basically ‘murder,’ but with fish,” Kahn said. “I like fish.” “Austin!” Hardy exclaimed. “You can’t say things like that. It makes us sound guilty.” “Yeah… you can’t say that because we’re innocent,” Slifkin said, as she slipped a knife back into her ponytail. Club advisor Wielenga could not comment, as he has been reported missing. He was last seen around the Aquaponics garden, stressing the importance of protecting the environment to his AP Environmental Science class.
Mucci Gane
Senior Hector Fernandez’s severed legs rest in the Aquaponics system after being removed on Tuesday.
Commissioner of Publicity Poppy the comfort dog suspect of mass massacre impeached by Associated Student Body By Ames Jasher Staff Triangle Connoisseur Tears and blood were the order of the day on March 27. Weeping students huddled together for comfort and frantic parents dashed in and out of the main office, looking for their children. All of this chaos was caused by none other than the school’s recently recruited “comfort dog,” Poppy. The animal was originally intended to be a source of stress relief for students with anxiety problems on campus, but in an attack that administration is calling “tragic and completely unexpected,” the dog killed 52 South Pasadena High School students. “It was terrifying. She may be small but she’s so powerful. And the worst thing was that it was just such a betrayal of trust. She is supposed to comfort us!” senior Tyler Armstrong said before bursting into tears. Poppy slipped away from her caretaker early Wednesday morn-
ing, and pulled the fire alarm with her teeth in order to herd students out of the classrooms. Authorities have confirmed that Poppy had intoxicated most of the maintenance staff with her soft, fluffy fur, putting them into a comfort-induced trance. She then used her hyper-relaxed minions to lock all of the school gates to prevent escape from her fearsome jaws of vengeance when the time for slaughter came. Though authorities cannot confirm what provoked the attack. they have strong evidence that Poppy’s former owner was director Quentin Tarantino, and that the attack is part of some complex plot with a moving message about humanity that will most likely end in a four-way shootout. Poppy could not be reached for comment. Whatever the reason for the attack, it is clear that Poppy has left her bloody paw print on SPHS history. But, she’s still pretty cute.
By 2-for-1 Earth Ambassadors Commissioner of Publicity Blake Benavides was impeached by the Associated Student Body last week after it was discovered that he was running for office at San Marino High School. “I am devastated to find out that Blake betrayed us like this. He always seemed like such a good
boy, but he was just a little scheming scoundrel all along,” Commissioner General Will Jones said. Benavides stole several cans of blue paint and poster paper from the art and SAC rooms to make his campaign posters at SMHS. The San Marino campus was covered in campaign posters with Benavides’s campaign slogan, “Vote a Mexican,” the same slogan that helped him gain the sup-
Former Commissioner of Publicity Blake Benevides flashed a classic San Marino smirk while donning his SPHS ASB jacket.
port of South Pasadena student voters during his campaign last year. “I never thought he would do something like this to us. I truly believed he would change SPHS for the better. I don’t know what I believe in anymore,” sophomore Julian Lopez said. Commissioner of Finance Phoebe Ou-Yang was the first to discover Benavides’s plans when she spotted him at Half-and-Half Boba carrying cans of blue paint. “I was just enjoying my honey tea boba when I saw him buying a rose tea boba. He looked at me, smirked, and darted off with the cans in his arms,” OuYang said. “He never drank rose tea boba before campaigning at San Marino. It’s heartbreaking.” Benavides has a past of minor infractions while in office. He is the only commissioner in SPHS history to have made the misspelling “Witner” on a large poster advertising Winter Formal. Benavides declined to give any comments. He will turn in his orange ASB jacket today after school.
7
Idk, Stuff Happenz
Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day 2013
idk,stuff
HAPPENZ
Around Campus
Yosemite Institute relocated to Garfield
Seniors required to submit selfies as yearbook portraits
By Sofviet Goode and Harry Plopper Copa de Platinum Staff
By McLovin’ Staff Ambassador of Awesome The South Pasadena High School administration has announced that seniors will now send in selfies for their senior portrait. “Selfies” are pictures taken of oneself at arms length, usually while making one of the following expressions or poses: the “duck face,” the “peace sign,” the “tongue sticking out,” the “weird angle,” etcetera. The administration believes these new photographs will save the school a good amount of money as well as keep up with the changing times. Senior portraits were often criticized for being too formal and uniform that the school decided to let seniors express their individuality and send in their own selfies. “No other school in the area has thought of this yet,” said Principal Janet Anderson. “But once they find out, we expect most schools will realize the brilliance of this policy and implement it also.” As these pictures will go in the yearbook and define each senior, students are encouraged to take the most flattering picture they can at the highest quality. Therefore, only selfies taken on cell phones will be accepted. “We think this change from hiring a professional photography company to letting seniors send in their own photographs will allow for much higher quality, personal photographs,” director of senior portrait photography Larry Tugboat said. “In addition, this switch will save the school over $70 a year.” A list of guidelines for the pictures will be available by next week so that students will know what is and is not acceptable. However, uniqueness and self-expression are encouraged and the administration expects the new policy will provide for the most refined senior portraits ever.
Mama Cranberry
Ryan Stone takes his senior selfie to submit to the yearbook.
Guacamole + Hummus + Salsa = 5 and one half corn on them cobs. Corn is very important. Our ancestors ate corn because they were hungry. I eat corn because I is hungry. McDonalds is still closed. One face. Two face. Red face. Blue face. Green face. Sad face. Fries sound so good right now. Yum. My jam. Literally, my jam. My jam in a jar that I harvest myself. Mm, boysenberry. /Raven Baxter
The Rural Juror
Freshman Raymond Gilmartin prepares lesson plans to present to the math department this summer.
Raymond Gilmartin is the math department
By Jackie Chan Kung Fu Master Freshman Raymond Gilmartin will enter his sophomore year with complete knowledge in math subjects from Pre-Algebra to Multivariable Calculus, after taking off-campus courses at Pasadena City College. In an attempt to boost the high school’s California Standardized Testing scores, increase class passing grades, and encourage students to take four years of math rather than the minimum three years, Gilmartin was requested by the administration to instruct math teachers on how to revitalize and strengthen their programs. “I was actually offered a position to teach quantum physics for a semester at Cal Tech, and teach my own course and conduct lab research over the summer at MIT, but I felt compelled to assist my alma mater,” Gilmartin said. In order to achieve a sudden increase in CST scores and improve grades received in each math course, Gilmartin has a
simple three-step process he plans to implement in the math department. Gilmartin will train current math teachers in an extensive program over the summer, which Gilmartin will host for five hours a day, primarily focusing on curriculum and refreshing ways to deliver lessons. When school begins next fall, each teacher will return to their respective classes, and Gilmartin will visit each math class to ensure the class is reaching its projected daily knowledge goal, and to briefly review the lesson taught by the teachers. “Some of my friends think this might be challenging, but our school only offers eleven math courses. I mean, we don’t even teach advanced math theory. Any freshman with some spare time could surely handle the department,” he said. Gilmartin will also provide tutoring for every student on campus if necessary. The tutoring sessions will be served on a first come, first serve basis at Gilmartin’s home. Calculators and healthy snacks will be provided and each session will be free of charge.
Mrs. Moon at it again By Kim Jong Uno Staff Dictator A secret blood drive conducted by South Pasadena High School math teacher Mrs. Ruth Moonesinghe managed to raise 10.8 million liters of blood. The proceeds of the drive will be given to support the hematology division for the Clinic for Traumatized Calculus Students. The blood drive started on September 1, 2008, as a deal between Moonesinghe and struggling Calculus students. For every 10 milliliters of blood, Moonesinghe would raise a student’s grade by one-tenth of a percent. “The possibility of raising my grade just by donating blood was an offer that was impossible
for me to refuse,” sophomore Calculus student Sheldon Zhu said. The tantalizing offer has interested many potential Calculus students as well. They hope to increase their red blood cell count so that they can prepare for the infamously difficult class. “I thought that Calculus students have to work hard, but now I realize that all I need to do is increase the red blood cell concentration in my blood for the exchange,” junior Paul Song said. The blood drive has shown incredible results so far. A grand total of one billion liters has been brought in since 2008. Moonesinghe has set a goal of 20 million liters for the 20132014 school year. Administration could not be reached for comment.
Due to district budget cuts, the senior Yosemite Institute has been moved to Garfield Park. “I mean it’s kind of disappointing,” said Mr. Shane Mills, one of the advisors of the trip. “But at least we don’t have to drive as far so I can still make it to my gig. I was really upset about having to cancel, but we’re back on.” The annual trip used to take seniors into the backwoods of Yosemite where they backpacked for five days and found themselves in nature. Now, however, the group will spend two nights sleeping on the steps of Garfield Park’s scout house. “We wanted to get the club house for the weekend, but all the beds were booked up,” said Mr. Casey Shotwell. “And when it came down to it, we really couldn’t afford that, either.” The advisors of the trip expected the students to be disappointed, but most of the students appeared to be content with the change. “I was looking forward to seeing Half-Dome, but on the other
hand, Garfield Park has public restrooms. Plus we can just run over to Rite-Aid at midnight for ice cream,” senior Bryan Bednarski said. The presence of toilets in the park has been a large selling point for students, and has encouraged several more students to join the trip. “I don’t understand why this decision wasn’t made before,” senior Angelise Slifkin said. “Garfield Park is cheaper, closer to home, and more luxurious. I mean, we get toilet paper. Toilet paper! Why were we considering going to Yosemite in the first place?” Advisor Mr. Joshua Whitney is optimistic about the new take on the trip. “I’ve heard concerns that this was supposed to be a reflective, bonding experience, but we all need to realize that beauty is omnipresent,” Whitney said. “It is equally as prevalent in wildlife as in a group of old women doing Tai-Chi at daybreak.” However, five seniors have left the trip, although the reduced budget can no longer offer them a refund. “Garfield Park is just not senior trip material,” said senior Austin Kahn.
Mama Cranberry
Seniors Melissa Fennessy, Sabrina Pierce, Vesta Javaheri, and Nick Fong happily camp out at the Garfield Park scout house.
6 Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day 2013
#firstworldproblems
#firstworldproblems Other schools suck By Tsalvin Ce Staff San Marino Liaison
B
ravo to music. Actually, bravo to good music. Actually, bravo to the music that I listen to. Actually, bravo to me.
B B
oo to the Close-Up kids. More like far away kids! #babycomeback ravo to the prom location. Nothing unites
a graduating class together like mutual disappointment and hatred of the juniors.
B B
oo to the new attendance policy. 400 lashes and a $250,000 fine is too much for a tardy.
to the readers who haven’t realized that this issue is an April Fools joke issue. Bravo. ravo
Copa de Platinum Established 2013
Trill Award Biggest Pumpkin Award Most Turnt-Up Award Editor-in-a-Saucepan Mama Cranberry Managing Potato Moderately-Sized Chef Managing Convenient Dinners Shake n’ Bake Idk, Stuff Happenz Raven Baxter, Editor #firstworldproblems Donkledorf Briner, Editor Marshmallow Fluff Oodles o’ Noodles, Editor Hard in Da Paint InClement Weatherall, Editor
CAHSEE cray hard
Harry Plopper
Staff Editorial Ma’ tells me each mornin, while I be eating my strawberry jam and toast, to try my very best on tests even if I has no confidence, and I do so everyday, be it weekend, weekday, whatever. However, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I squeeze my brain, no matter how hard I squint, there aint no chance that I’m goin be passin the Californerous High Schooler Exit Examnation , or CASEY as them smart-aleck professionals be callin it. The topics they be tested are far too hard for the average brain, leaving many bright, shining students, much like meself, unable to getem a high school diplomers and henceworthforth, unable to graduation. The exam throws in them hard as rock subjects like beavers! I has been called a competent, able-minded person by many a so teachers and peers. But when them CAYSEE puts in a bushel of fractions, decimals,
and percentages – them math done by only top scientists – even I, a smart, grown man, feel overwhelmed. By Jove! Don’t even get me talkin about em grammarian sections. I is a grammarian expert, yet when them KC demands that I know punctuation and speling all at the same time, I has trouble. Aint nobody got time fo that! “I like turtles,” Peter Pan said. At this rate, no high schoo student, male or female, blue-eyed or black-eyed, like them peas in em one band that I listens to, furry or fluffy, no matter how big their head, hands, sternum whatever, will be able to pass them KAYCEE. We may as well be beavers! What use is them algebra anywhoo? I is handydandy without em. As long as I has my rake and a bushel of em corn, I dont need no addition! What I needin right now is em mean pecan pie!
South Pasadena High School is widely known for its spirit: others covet the success of our annual Color Day, and we consistently find ways to praise our students for their achievements, whether they be academic, athletic, artistic, or anything else. However, many students still feel dissatisfied with this acknowledgement. This would be solved if instead of praising our students for their achievements, we instead focus on the pitfalls of other schools, making South Pas students feel superior in comparison. This change in mentality would, for example, transform the Spotlight on Excellence assembly, or SPEX, from an event that highlights student achievement at South Pas to one that simply spends half an hour insulting rival schools’ students. How about Spotlight on How Lame La Cañada Is? SHLLCI has a pretty nice ring to it. No longer would students have to sit through endless names of high achieving students; instead, they could watch gleefully as commissioners Nick O’Brien and Wen Zeng offer their bad jokes about other districts’ inferior academic programs. This would not be the only transformation; we could also make ASB’s job easier by eliminating a Homecoming theme and just having the week revolve around anti-Titan activities. In lieu of the ever-unpopular Homecoming picnic, students could participate in a school-sponsored bonfire, burning any rival paraphernalia, like the Titan Shield newspaper or photos of their least favorite San Marino students. Tiger would participate in this shift as well. The newspaper could now focus its sports articles on the weaknesses of the other team, regardless of who won, and all opinion articles would be dedicated to attacking any and all aspects of other schools that we deem second-rate to South Pasadena’s standards. It has been said that nothing brings people together more than a common hatred: if we adopt this mindset, our school will begin to thrive more than it ever has.
Dumb Blond Editors Consuela, Moonesinghe Jr., Tsalvin Ce Brrrr! Mucci Gane, Editor
Yes Pants
Stalktographers Bob Loblaw, The Rural Juror, Sassy Sloth Jean Jackets Ames Jasher, Asian Queen Latifah, Black Sheep, Commodore Dimples, Special K, Faka Wlocka, Harry Plopper, Jackie Chan, Kim Jong Uno, LOL Shults, Lvl. 34 Cleric’s, Marina Shellbra, McLovin’, Pac Member #6, Queen of Nutella, Sofviet Goode, Xmus Jaxon Flaxon Waxon, 2-for-1 Staff Cult Equius Zahhak, Nepeta Leijon, Ppbbtft, Raekwon da Chef Internet Explorer Advocate Sir Dial-Up Snack Fairy xoxoryry Faculty Advisor Mike Hogan
Copa de Platinum is a special April Fools Day humor edition produced by the advanced journalism newspaper class at South Pasadena High School, 1401 Fremont Ave, South Pasadena, CA 91030. Publications office: (626) 441-5820 ext. 2615. Layout and photo imaging are completed on-site. Printed by American/ Foothill Publishing Co., Inc., Tujunga, CA. Copa de Platinum is intended entirely for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the views of the staff, student body, faculty or administration of SPHS.
By Consuela Staff Nnoooooo None. There are really no good reasons to wear pants ever. This article was assigned to me because no one wanted to take it, but there is no possible way that I could ever defend someone wearing pants. So instead of doing that, I’m just going to write a little story. If you would like to read about all of the solid reasons why you should never wear pants, please refer to the “con” article. If you would like to read about Pepe the fire-breathing Amish boy, read on. One glorious day, Pepe the fire-breathing Amish boy was out tilling the fields. As this was
transpiring, he heard a mysterious voice that was carried by the southeastern winds. “Pepe,” said the voice, “you are wasting your time tilling these fields. They’re paved over with cement.” Pepe was very confused. Not so much about what the voice had said; he had already known the fields were paved over with cement. He was in a parking lot, after all. He was confused mostly just because there was a voice coming from nowhere and that doesn’t usually happen under normal circumstances. “Leave me alone, demon voice!” Pepe shouted into the wind. Then he breathed some fire, because, as previously mentioned, he was a fire-breathing Amish boy.
No Pants By Moonesinghe Jr. Staff Sri Lankan Do what feels good. Do what feels natural. Release your inhibitions. Take off those pants. Pants are the very shackles that hold back your aspirations. Why strangle your legs in excessive fabric when you could frolic through life in the nude, or at the very least, in shorts? Legs are vital to one’s well-being, and to cover them up unnecessarily does a service to no one. You might as well come to school wearing a ski mask, for the effect is the same. Let us take a look at some of the pros of a pant-less lifestyle. For starters, your legs need to breathe too, and wearing pants does nothing but suffocate your
innocent limbs. And for all of you who have been hitting the gym with consistency, there is no excuse not to take off those pants and strut those beautifully toned calves. Finally, if you happen to be part of the small percentage of people who actually consider pants to be comfortable, then think of the children. It is a fact that every pair of jeans you wear comes from a worn-down sweatshop in a poverty-stricken third-world country. Children are put through unimaginably terrible conditions to weave together the fabric that makes up your pants. With that in mind, understand that the nude involves considerably less fabric than pants do. Make the right choice. Take off your pants. Just do it.
# firstworldproblems
April Fools Day 2013 - Tiger
5
AP Divorce By Jackie Chan Staff Kung Fu Master
Shine bright like a diamond By Marina Shellbra Staff Mermaid The existence of the sun makes sight possible, but excess exposure to its bright rays can damn eyeballs to eternal darkness. That great burning ball of flame reflects its blinding light onto the cream-colored South Pasadena High School campus, burning retinas and ruining eyesight for every student exiting a dark class or bathroom. There are many complaints that could be made about the design of the school, like the stucco walls that provide a regular knuckle skinning, the lack of toilets (but then again, only the uncoolest of the uncool actually excrete), and, of course, the bungalows that experience only a Sahara-like heat or an Arctic-like chill. However, the biggest problem students face is the brightness that assaults their eyeballs while exiting a class or a crowded bathroom, especially now that spring has sprung, the clock has lost an hour, and students find themselves literally drowning in sunlight. (Literally.) The worst part of these cancer-causing rays is the reflection of their carcinogenic light. Students around campus can be seen squinting, shielding their eyes, and sometimes even taking a entire moment out of their busy lives to allow their eyes to adjust. This light has a much more profound, long-term consequence – permanent blindness. Research
Marina Shellbra
states that students who attend schools with bright outdoor paint are 92% more likely to become blind than those who attend schools with black exteriors. Cray. The school seems to want the best for its students, but guaranteeing blindness in SPHS alumni’s futures is not in the students’ best interests. It is common courtesy to allow students to keep their eyesight, and SPHS needs to change. The two most obvious options are to paint the school black, which would not only stop the reflective rays, but would also bring the campus to a toasty temperature. The new paint job would warm the campus and the classrooms, not to mention the students’ hearts. Another option is to shield students from the flaming ball of flame floating in the sky with shades and umbrellas, just like high schools shade students from the real world. Unless SPHS plans to make sunglasses a mandatory part of the dress code, there needs to be something between students’ eyes and the physical manifestation of evil to which we foolishly refer as “sunlight.” Sunshades or a new paint job would solve the reflecting light that temporarily blinds students for a moment, but this sun damage will eventually resurrect itself like a brain-thirsty zombie and blind former SPHS students for a lifetime. SPHS has a duty to its alumni’s children’s children’s children’s children to allow their greatgreat-grandparents to view their beautiful faces.
Advanced Placement courses challenge students with academic rigor, but given close consideration, will any AP courses available on campus actually be useful to students long after their high school career? When students are catapulted into the daunting “real world,” (not the MTV series, but actual American society), students will lack the knowledge needed to overcome “real world” issues because there aren’t AP courses on issues such as heartbreak, coping with death, or determining proper job interview attire. Years from now when you find yourself moping over a failed relationship fully equipped with pints of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, and pitifully watching The Notebook, recollections of AP Calculus, AP Government, or AP Chemistry won’t help ease your heart ache. Free response questions, essays, and pop quizzes from high school APs did not adequately prepare you for the emotional torment of divorce trials and alimony payments. Amidst your tears and sorrow, you can’t help but question: why didn’t SPHS provide a class that would prepare me for this? Most students enroll in APs to supplement their schedule and appeal to colleges. But even if AP Biology makes your transcript look great, courses such as AP How to Handle Rejection, AP How to Deal With DMV Employees, or AP Learning to Live With Low Confidence, are courses with actual value outside of the classroom. Students don’t really want to learn about climate change or eutrophication in AP Environmental Science. No one is actually interested in the Informed Argument from AP English Language, or conjugations from AP Spanish. Students are seeking AP courses with meaning and purpose. Have you heard this year’s prom location? How are students supposed to deal with the utter sadness of the lackluster location, the Skirball Cultural Center? We need an AP class to address relevant frustrations. Implementing AP courses like these will benefit students long after graduation day. At least I think they will… There should be an AP course for self doubt.
Get back in the kitchen By Ames Jasher Staff Triangle Connoisseur Blossoming Tigerettes desperately need a proper schooling in home economics. For any girl to graduate South Pasadena High School without learning about childcare, sewing, and essential cooking skills makes both the girl and this school a detriment to society. As of now, none of these skills are offered to the female population of SPHS, and the sickening presence of braburning, cookie-crumbling feminists that has resulted is ample proof that changes must be made. After all, how do girls expect to find good husbands and serve them well if they can’t properly baste a turkey? It’s absurd, and it’s time we put a stop to it. Once upon a time in a God-fearing America, the women of this country knew how to behave. Mothers prepared hearty lunches, girls giggled at jokes (even if they
weren’t funny), and dutiful housewives frequently dusted wood fur niture. A woman without ready access to a stellar set of sandwich-making skills is hardly a useful woman at all. Todd Akin, the country’s leading expert on women, recently
...the young men of America risk having their innocence snatched away... announced that a woman’s sole purpose is to produce babies and please her husband. SPHS offers health classes that teach young women about the mechanics of childbirth, but a truly thorough education in self-reliant American womanhood would also teach the young women that four Advils, a plastic-covered couch, and a pair of gardening shears can be just as effective as an
expensive trip to the hospital for childbirth. Furthermore, if girls aren’t properly trained to deflect the temptations of this morally depraved society from a young age, the young men of America risk having their innocence snatched away by loose women who find it appropriate to be intoxicated outside the context of a tastefully thrown cocktail party. A home economics class can deliver the very basic message to girls that once they have publicly embraced the devil’s nectar, they relinquish their humanity. It’s time for SPHS girls to stop dreaming of careers in science, literature, and politics. They must simply acknowledge that the likes of Curie, Rowling, and Clinton were probably just flukes. Toss the pants and the army jackets and the leather, and for heaven’s sake, put on a skirt, a dress, and maybe a bow. They’ll probably match the color scheme of your kitchen better anyways.
Special K
Scrumdiddlyumptious
Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day 2013
4
Marshmallow Fluff World of Color to replace tiger statue By Lvl. 34 Cleric’s Staff of Healing
Mama Cranberry
Senior Krishna Mocherla is seen preparing for his role as Pi Patel in this summer’s anticipated blockbuster. Mocherla has undergone intensive training to fully embody his character, including a five-night stay in a life raft.
Mocherla stars in Life of Pi 2 By Moonesinghe Jr. Staff Sri Lankan After the commercial success and critical acclaim of the 2012 film Life of Pi, a sequel starring one of South Pasadena High School’s own is in the works; senior Krishna Mocherla is set to play lead character Pi. 20th Century Fox also decided to part ways with former director Ang Lee in favor of English teacher Mr. Jim Asher. Senior Thomas Chang was the driving force behind casting Mocherla, saying that his “rugged good looks and glistening six pack” were the perfect fit for a starving castaway. The script was rewritten to high-
light Mocherla’s appearance, trading fishing scenes for lingering shots of him flexing. After receiving only seven award nominations for his acting in the original, former actor Suraj Sharma was shunned for his lackluster performance. “The audience is bored with the same old actors,” Asher said. “Mocherla is new and exciting, and his complete lack of drama or industry experience makes him ideal for the role.” The premise of Life of Pi 2 remains similar to that of the original, but with a slight twist. Pi returns to India with the intent of rebuilding his parents’ zoo. The cargo ship
Pi is aboard crashes into an iceberg, stranding him with two narwhals and a porcupine. “I was going to pass up on the opportunity until I found out Mr. Asher would be the director. With him on board, the sky’s the limit,” Mocherla said. 20th Century Fox released a trailer earlier this week, revealing that the film was shot as a musical. In the closing scene, Mocherla can be seen atop his finished zoo singing his heart out amongst the animals. With Asher at the helm and Mocherla shining in his starring role, the stage is set for Life of Pi 2 to become a once-in-a-lifetime movie.
Courage, robustness, physical and poetic strength – these qualities are what first came to mind at the sight of the spontaneous and powerful force that swept away the 2013 South Pasadena High School Talent Show, World of Color. As such, it was easy for the administration to make its most recent decision to replace the tiger statue in the Mary Ida Phair Library with a monument of the six vibrant yet enigmatic puffballs. The change comes after heated debates over whether or not the current statue frightens visitors and decreases library attendance. Head librarian Shelee Wilkerson is in favor of replacing the ravenous carnivore, as she feels it isn’t appropriately suited to the opening room of an educational facility. “I’ve always thought getting rid of that beast and replacing it with life-size statues of people dressed in inflatable suits would make the library a more popular place on campus,” Wilkerson said. “I’m happy to see that it’s finally happening.” Reactions from the student body have been mixed. A chief concern for opponents of the change is the plan to construct the entire monument out of precious metals. “Well, I mean, I kind of liked it the way things were. I really don’t see the point in wasting all that money on solid platinum models of those…things. Isn’t our district having funding problems or something?” sophomore Andrew Gruhn said. Other students have become staunch supporters of the choice, vowing to defend it to the last breath. “Oh man, I’m so excited that World of Color is going to be a permanent part of school. I was in total awe of them after their completely unforeseen appearance at the GQ assembly,” said senior Ryan Stone, a student advocate for the change. “I’m going to check out a book from the library every day just so I can see them, and so should everyone else.” “Geez,” Gruhn sighed in response. “Next thing you know, World of Color is going to be our school mascot.” The statue is scheduled to be commissioned sometime this summer, and will be completed as soon as administration raises enough funds.
Personality Profile: Poppy By Moderately-Sized Chef Managing Potato Poppy the therapy dog has taken to visiting the South Pasadena High School campus with the purpose of providing students with comfort. But beneath the black poodle’s warm, fluffy exterior lies a troubled dog with a haunted past: this pooch has truly lived a hard knock life. Indeed, Poppy has emerged from some serious family problems: in her younger days she lived as the daughter of a mafia mongrel most may remember as the Dogfather. Her familial connection with the infamous Dog Vito filled her life with mishap and misfortune. “It’s a really complicated story, but the chaos all started on my wedding night, and went downhill from there,” Poppy said. “I finally managed to escape, but it wasn’t easy. It doesn’t help that we had our story splashed on screens as a popular crime film – starring humans! Uggghh!” And difficult it was – Poppy was forced to change her name and move across the country to escape the wrath
of gangster canines out to get the Dogfather. After a few years of training, the poodle then took on an entirely new profession: therapy for troubled individuals. “To be quite honest, I’m not sure Poppy is the school’s best choice for a comfort dog,” junior Isaac Huh said. “I once went up to pat her on the head and she lurched away from me. Sometimes she’s squeamish and other times she looks evil, like her past is coming back to
haunt her. I can see it in her eyes. It’s majorly creepy.” When she is not busy roaming the halls of SPHS, Poppy protests the commercialized use of dog tags by rappers and reads horrible fanfiction online. “Shoutout to Ebony ‘Enoby’ Darkn’ness Dementia Raven Way. When I heard about My Chemical Romance breaking up, I thought of you,” Poppy said. “If you need anything, let me know. I’m a comfort dog now.”
commons.wikimedia.org
Despite her lighthearted demeanor, Poppy survived a traumatizing past before discovering her passion for aiding AP Calculus students.
Bob Loblaw
The World of Color statue is the district’s latest effort to motivate SPHS students to read for pleasure.
The Commandments of Fashion
1. If thou chooses to have two snapperbackers, then one must remain on the cabeza and the other on the belt loop of thou’s pantalones. 2. Thou’s ropa must consist of at least one article of The Hundreds. If thou does not own such clothing, Obey and Diamond Supply Co. will suffice. 3. If thou wishes to wear a G-Shock, then thou’s G-shock must match thou’s zapatos. 4. When thou decides to wear non-OG Jordans, then the tongue of said Jordans must be sticking out at all times. 5. If thou wears sandalias, then thou’s sandalias must be accompanied by white Nike high socks. 6. If thou decides to llevar Dickies shorts, than thou’s high socks must reach the shorts—showing no leg skin. 7. If thou wishes to gain the title of Pretty Boy or Steezer, then thou must follow the above commandments. Text by Faka Wlocka and Mucci Gane
3 Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day 2013
Double Stuf Oreos
How to get to Rachael Garner’s Closet:
1. Buy a Starbucks. 2. Give drink to troll under bed. 3. Hop over sleeping dogs. By Sofviet Goode Staff Communist On a sunny Friday afternoon, I took off alone in search of an adventure. I loaded my backpack with snacks, gassed up the car, and hopped on my phone hoping to find something new. TAAGLAA has taken me everywhere from Sky High Sports to Little India to Christmas Tree Lane, but for my solo escapade, I required something truly thrilling and exclusive. The only location that my Yelp search yielded was an enigmatic place known as Rachael Garner’s Closet. I quickly discovered that The Closet was much closer than I had anticipated, and I barely had time to finish my Chicken McNuggets before arriving. At first glance, Rachael Garner’s Closet looked like an ordinary residence, but it received dozens of good reviews, so I journeyed into the house and upstairs to The Closet.
Mama Cranberry
I started off at Doorway Point, which offered an incredible panorama of the entire Closet. From the walls covered in shopping bags from dozens of clothing stores, to the pink hangers hung around the room, to the full size mirror draped in belts, the view was diverse and spectacular. I even glimpsed a couple of seconds of the season finale of Suburgatory from my vantage point. But the visual appeal was only the beginning; Rachael Garner’s Closet had many areas to enjoy. I next took an elevator down to the Carpeted Floor, where I was met with a pleasant surprise. A small white poodle by the name of Buster came to join me. He was friendly, fluffy, and a total diva: a model citizen of The Closet. Together, Buster and I visited the Birthday Bucket, a special area of the closet dedicated entirely to Pillow Pets and fuzzy blankets stuffed into a well-decorated pink bucket. We used the contents of the bucket to make a nest on the floor, which Buster informed me is often used as a bed by The Closet’s inhabitants. After posing for a couple of pictures with my new friend, I stood up to get to my final destination: the Clothing Forest. The outer rim of Rachael Garner’s Closet had thick foliage of color-coordinated clothing perfect for a round of hide-and-go-seek. Unfortunately, Buster’s height allowed him to find my feet easily, and I was unable to overcome his advantage. With my head hung in shame after my terrible defeat, Buster licked me a heartfelt farewell. Though little known and exclusive, Rachael Garner’s Closet is a great location for those looking for nice people, comfy surroundings, and a wealth of activities. The Closet is often overshadowed by the shine of Los Angeles, but its suburban glory makes for a perfect afternoon adventure.
Tothstagramming By Xmus Jaxon Flaxon Waxon Staff California University of Pennsylvania Linebacker 5/5
Featuring sweeping vistas of smoggy L.A. mornings, fixies and men with beards, concert photos of unknown artists, homemade Battlestar Galactica pins, and Ray Bans, Ms Audrey Toth’s Instagram is totally deck, though you probably haven’t heard of it. It’s not your average, mainstream blog. She’s considering transferring her feed to vinyl, as there’s nothing quite like the quality of a record. Her following could rival JeThe Rural Juror sus, who carried a scanty twelve, while Toth has followers like @agirliknow, who, sources Ms Toth has challenged Ryan Stone to see who can post the most indicate, is a girl she knows, @partyfartman, selfies on Instagram in one day. So far, Toth wins. Sorry, Ryan... whose incredibly inspirational “My power, my pleasure, my pain” personal philosophy has opened doors flags. Toth teaches us that there is nothing more meaningfor millions, and @dang3rtown, who lets you know she means ful than donning animal furs and face paint and staring off business. Most recently, she mentioned the great and honor- into the distance. Perhaps the best part of the Instagram is the insightful able Tiger Newspaper. Taking motivational pictures of her feet during class, comments offered up by students. After Toth posted a picture citing San Francisco as The Motherland, and posting photos of a yearbook cover, freshman Clayton Kabealo enlightened of triangle tattoos prove that she’s not like other girls. Toth’s us all with his deep analysis, “Thts a middle school cover.” If posts in French let you know she’s cultured, and a photo of you thought that was exciting, stay tuned, as he updated later with, “I’ve looked through it.” her getting inked proves she’s a #wildchild. Ms Toth’s Instagram just feels good, it feels so good. Photos of resident hipsters Sophie Negrini and Jeremy Reynoso add street cred to her blog, as do the inevi- And indeed, it was good. #misstot table flower crowns, vintage photographs, and American
Ms Diane Shires is interested in getting her first tattoo and is looking for inspiration. Draw your design here and submit it to Room 615.
By Donkledorf Briner #firstworldproblems Editor Frenzied circus music played in the background as English teacher Mr. Mark Afram swung open the door to let me into his condo. Afram had promised to show me a specialty dish he claimed would “blow my mind.” As I entered his dimly lit abode, the aroma of Doritos powder immediately engulfed me. Vintage Doritos memorabilia adorned the walls, some of the bags still glistening with greasy finger smudges. Mr. Afram rocked to and fro on a creaking toy horse in the middle of his living room dressed in a dirty kimono. After five minutes he looked over at me and muttered, “Let’s make some Cup Noodles.” Afram swayed as he boiled water for the noodles. He looked weary as he watched the pot and tapped his fingers to the drip of the faucet. “Sometimes, when I get home from a long day of school, I like to open a Sharing Size bag of Doritos, melt a big pot of cheese to dip the chips in, and just sit down with a nice cup of noodles,” Afram said. He opened the Cup Noodles with a machete and licked the blade. Next, Afram shook out some of the flavor powder from the noodle cup, threw it in the air, and walked through the noodle dust. “Well the taste of Cup Noodles is mostly the flavor powder, and taste is closely connected with smell, so inhaling the powder is kinda like eating chicken without really eating the chicken,” Afram said. “I’m like Willy Wonka!” Afram then began grinding the contents of the Cup Noodles with a mortar and pestle. He put his lips to the pot and took a swill of the boiling water before eating the dry ground noodle powder. “My babysitter always forced me to eat the noodles and water separately,” Afram said. “Drinking boiling water hurt at first, but you stop feeling the pain once you’ve died on the inside.” After donning a full suit of medieval armor, Afram mutely mounted his rocking horse once again. I slowly waded my way through the empty Doritos bags and out of his home.
Like this comic? You better like this comic.
Mucci Gane
Be sure to visit tigernewspaper.com for the full recipe and kimono in this issue’s Food for Thought.
Hard in Da Paint
Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day, 2013
Spoon Assassin voted into RHL By Tsalvin Ce Staff San Marino Liaison
Faka Wlocka
Nick O’Brien prepares to pounce on his latest victim as Noah Ashleigh looks on. SPHS is favored to win league in Spoon Assassins next year.
Despite recent controversy, Spoon Assassin has officially become a recognized sport in the Rio Hondo league. The game has been popular in past years amongst South Pasadena High School students, with hundreds of participants over the last few years; this popularity inspired athletic director Mark Zalin to make it an official sport. Teams will be established at San Marino, La Cañada, and Temple City High School for competition in the fall of 2013. In the game, each participant is assigned a “target” victim and must seek this person out and tag him or her with a plastic spoon. Now, team members must work together to tag participants from other schools, and the team with the most members remaining at the end of the season wins the league title. “Not only does this game require
immense physical ability, but it also incorporates mental dedication and strategy, as well as teamwork and trust,” Zalin said. “It’s everything that a sport should encompass, and I think that offering a team here at SPHS is vital. Plus, it’s so much more fulfilling to play than those pansy so-called ‘sports’ like football or basketball. Cutlery beats actual athleticism any day.” Next year’s spoon assassin team will be coached by Assistant Principal Mr. Terrance Dunn, who previously opposed the game, but had a change of heart after learning more about it. “The other schools won’t know what hit them,” Dunn said. “They’re Dunn for.” Junior Noah Ashleigh will serve as next year’s team captain. “Spoon assassin has always been great, and now I get a chance to stalk kids from other schools too? It’s the best of both worlds,” Ashleigh said. “LET THE SPOONER GAMES COMMENCE!”
Kelly Brady to lead Tigers in 2013-14 season By LOL Shults Staff Comedian After her stellar performance at the annual Powderpuff game, junior Kelly Brady will be back on the gridiron next fall to lead the boys football program for the 2013-14 season. Brady will have big shoes to fill after last year’s second team all-league running back Rudy Murillo left South Pasadena High School in the winter to seek a more competitive football program. “I feel very proud to lead the team,” Brady said. “It is an honor and I’m sure the squad will do great next year.” Though the juniors lost 28-6, Brady demonstrated her athleticism that landed her a spot on the high school football team. “It might seem strange to have a girl on the team, but as long as she doesn’t distract any of the fellas on the field I’m fine with it,” said head coach Marty Konrad. “Let’s be honest, she’s the best we’ve got.” Although she is 102 pounds lighter than the bulky Murillo, Brady is optimistic
that her quick feet will make up for her just not right,” Brady said. slim figure. She has high hopes for the Tigers this “I’ve been taking tap dancing classes season and aspires to win league. to help with the agility,” said the junior. “It would be amazing to win the Rio “Besides, none of our Rio Hondo opHondo crown,” Brady said. “I think I’d ponents could be any rougher than the look good with it on, too!” senior girls.” Many colleges, including Notre Dame, Alabama, and USC, have taken notice of Brady’s talents and are eager to break the gender barrier on the collegiate level. Brady put up impressive stats during Powderpuff, running 300 yards on 15 carries and scoring 5 times. She also threw 3 touchdown passes and went 18 for 19 on touchdown completions. The books did not reflect her efforts, however as the seniors hijacked the controls to the scoreboard to give them the win. “I was intimidated about competing against boys at first, but then I realized that Bob Loblaw no guy would tackle a girl so I have nothing to worry about. I mean, what kind of guy Brady will be the first female to play would have the guts to tackle me? That’s for the South Pas football program.
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Coach Brown is leaving :’( By Moonesinghe Jr. Staff Sri Lankan In a surprising move, the Los Angeles Lakers, who have been experiencing one of their worst seasons in team history, have gone out of the regular circle of coaching candidates and tapped South Pasadena High School varsity basketball coach Tim Brown as the Lakers’ next head coach. Asked if he was surprised by this late development Brown replied, “Not really. I’ve always thought I’ve been underutilized at SPHS.” Widely acknowledged as a “player’s coach” at SPHS, Brown says he doesn’t expect to have any difficulty communicating with the veteran Laker lineup. The Lakers organization did not, as is their custom, send a limousine to pick up Brown for his first Staples Center press conference. But coach insists that he’s not disappointed, and that he’s more than happy with the $50 Gold Line ticket voucher that the Lakers sent to him instead. Brown is known for his creative fundraising techniques, which includes having his players walk around school in pointy paper hats selling Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It’s unclear if the Laker brass is sold on the idea, but they’ve told Brown that they’re waiting to hear back from Kobe Bryant about his thoughts on the matter. “I mean I like Krispy Kreme doughnuts and I do think Mamba would look good in one of those hats, but I have to sit down and have a chat with Coach Brown about the details before committing one way or the other,” Bryant stated. Asked to explain what additional attributes made him a desirable candidate, Brown cited his numerous weeks of Campus Yard Duty which gave him extensive time to daydream and draw up offensive plays in his mind. Clearly South Pasadena should take pride in Coach Brown’s success, and in this reporter’s opinion, it’s just further proof that good things happen to those who wait.
Regan vs. Martin: history in the making Martin
Regan
Though Rick “Mad Dog“ Martin isn’t exactly the young gun on the block, he boasts a tremendous pedigree as enters his thirtyseventh year of “teaching.” When he’s not busy banging around town on his chopper, Martin can be seen seated in his lawn chair guarding the SPHS entrance at lunch while conjuring up new ways to torture his already overtaxed AP students. Martin, who claims that his unworldly glare is enough to send Regan running, insists that the fight take place at night to antagonize Regan’s widely known fear of the dark. “As long as he has the same success in our fight as he did as a college pitcher, I should be fine.”
Sean “The Ripper“ Regan has been here before, fortified with eighteen years of teaching. His back is against the proverbial wall. Regan has heard all about the hype surrounding his opponent and knows that the masses of students and experts are overlooking him. His heart and soul are ready to once again step into the fabled Octagon do battle with Martin. Regan states that he will use his superior intelligence to outsmart the alleged black belt, although he does admit to being slightly concerned about fighting in the dark. “I’m going to break his nose, and I’m going to smash his face, but it won’t matter because he can’t get any uglier. But at least he’ll never be as ugly as his wife.”
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Hard in Da Paint Copa de Platinum - April Fools Day
Hard in Da Paint
#RemenyIsNotAHufflepuff
Following in the footsteps of Sports Illustrated, Tiger will produce its own swimsuit edition starring Max Robertson.
Speaking of
Sports
InClement Weatherall
Mama Cranberry
Senior captain Michael Heberlein completes his morning workout in preparation for the prestigious Brickyard 400 in July.
Heberlein ready to shine in driver’s seat By Commodore Dimples Staff Liberator of the Free Peoples ;) After two intense weeks of tryouts, senior Michael Heberlein was selected to captain South Pasadena’s varsity NASCAR team. The five-member squad, composed of seniors Heberlein, Peter Pan, Roger Rabbit, Ricky Bobby, and freshman Patrick McHoly McGrail, hopes to qualify for the historic Brickyard 400 in July as the first South Pasadena team to do so since the school’s founding. The athletes undergo grueling conditioning each morning, driving intervals of 25, 50, and 100 laps in the high school parking lot. The boys also regularly
practice their corking skills in six months. “Heberlein and his racecar order to prepare for their celebrahave really been bonding well tions in the winner’s circle. “NASCAR has got to this season,” head coach Lightbe one of the hardest sports ning McQueen said. “When he’s behind out there,” the wheel, Heberlein When he’s behind the there’s really said. “I mean nothing that we struggle wheel, there’s really can block his through monothing that can block path. I mean, tion sickness, his path. I mean, the the muscles whiplash, muscles on those on those and also wheels – and arms – wheels – and there ain’t are just massive. arms – are just no bathroom massive.” breaks!” T h e Captain Heberlein has put in extra team is looking to remodel their hours at the auto shop, pump- vehicles for maximum speed and ing tires and greasing gears throttle before their first race at on a daily basis for the past the annual Toyota Invitational
in two weeks. Coach McQueen and the boys plan to take a trip to the local car dealership, where they will be able to pick out new car accessories for the upcoming season. “The key to a successful race lies in the wheels of your vehicle,” said Heberlein. “The texture must be smooth yet rough. Plus, got to get dem big ol’ rims for the ladies!” Heberlein is more than optimistic about the team’s prospects, viewing the national championship title as well within reach. “I promise I’ll bring pride to this school,” said Heberlein. “I’m a Tiger on the racetrack, and I’m hungry for a win. Mmmm.”
Pep receives“modified” cheer outfits By Pac Member #6 Staff Nutritionist Two integral parts of the South Pasadena High School community are teaming up to take next year’s athletic program to new heights. The Modesty Club has finished talks with both Ms Janet Anderson and Pep head coach Ms Dani Babb, finalizing the cheer program’s plan for new outfits. The pep squad is notorious for its cutting edge athletic wear, designed solely for practicality and to soak up all that sweat. Coach Babb felt that her squad lacked the avant-garde look at competition this year and turned to the Modesty Club for innovative ideas. Modesty Club president Saige Hatch used her previous styling experience to design some sketches. Current options for new pep outfits include breathable burqas and Nike’s newly released Dri-Fit dress pant. In addition, bows would be removed as accessories out of the fear that they allude to lingerie. The
The Rural Juror
Hannah Winnie and Kira Alford don the new Modesty Club-approved pep outfits. color orange would also be minimized, because it could draw unnecessary attention from male athletes during games. Money for the uniform change
came from profits from the combined cheer and Modesty Club high-five booth, as well as extensive donations from the Zeiger-Nielsen extended family. The response from the cheerleaders about the uniform change was mixed. “I guess I’m like the only one who’s worried or something, but like how would anyone see me wink or do body rolls under a big blanket? Oh, and unless pants are yoga pants, they should be burned. Whatever. I’ll be gone anyways,” senior flag captain Kira Alford said. Other girls were more supportive of the switch, sure that the uniform will give them the shock-and-awe factor at both assemblies and competition. “I love the color black. I hate our uniforms. They’re already four months old. We’re going to kill other teams in these. San Marino cheerleaders should be scared,” sophomore cheerleader Samantha Ishumaru said. “Everyone should stop complaining. It’s been decided, and this is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy.”
A Change of Face The recent sports performance at South Pasadena High School is pretty sad. Sure, we have the occasional runner or jumper who wins State and a team that takes home a league title or something equally unimpressive from time to time, but we’ve claimed a grand total of one team CIF championship in the twenty-first century. There are several theories surrounding our dismal sports showing. Kids are more concerned with their GPAs than their ERAs. Useless stateof-the-art science buildings replace sports playing fields. Countless pitiable calculus students sacrifice track workouts for the sake of top marks on the AP test. We’re a school of lovers, not fighters. However, while these are all legitimate reasons, I know the real culprit: our lousy school mascot. The Tiger just doesn’t cut it. It’s unimaginative and unrepresentative and all sorts of other words that begin with “un.” As all the cool kids would say, the Tiger nickname is lame. We don’t live in India or Pakistan or some other random country where tigers still roam freely. South Pasadangerous is way too treacherous for that. The nearest tiger is at the Los Angeles Zoo, and he’s the most lethargic creature in the place. If we’re looking for something more true to the South Pas spirit, how about things we actually see around here, like the green parrots? Flying Squirrels? Mighty Oaks? The suburban minivan army? Maybe something that mirrors our local priorities, like the SPHS Freeway Fighters. Or perhaps the Nail Polishers or Masseuses to reflect our local businesses. Seriously, who wouldn’t be intimidated? Another possibility is something from our heritage – anyone for the Ostriches or Rialtos? Any bets on what comes first, the theater reopening or our next CIF title? Frankly, unless we replace the current atrocity that we call our mascot, my money is on the former. Perhaps we can turn to our alumni. A pretty (not) famous actor named Jaleel White attended SPHS way back when, but the SPHS Urkels just doesn’t fit. A better choice is a more recent South Pas student: Hilary Swank. Most of us have actually seen her in a movie, and the name sort of sticks, right? Let’s go Swankers!
Lakers look to Brown’s Leadership Mucci Gane
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