Tiger Newspaper April Fools Issue 2017

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VOLUME 103 ISSUE 666 APRIL FOOLS 2017

The

SOUTH PASADENA HIGH SCHOOL 1401 FREMONT AVE, SOUTH PASADENA, CA 91030

r o i r r a W e c i t s u J l Socia TIGERNEWSPAPER.GOV

IN THE F A K E

NEWS

REGAN’S OPINION POLICY

ANOTHER LOCKDOWN

CHINESE CURRICULUM

Mr. Regan’s no-opinion policy unraveled when a Jeb Bush 2020 pin lapel fell out of his sweater vest last week.

Administrators initiated a lockdown after student was caught with a threateningly shaped orange peel.

Chinese classes were uncovered as a cover-up for a long term social experiment—legal consequences ensue.

Decathletes destroy Olympic athletes Valcorza’s Decathletes remain victorious on a different terrain STORY “REFORMED” ANARCHO-MONARCHIST, Archibald Wellingstonshire III, Duke of Hanover, And Earl of Westlinyorkham PHOTOGRAPH “SUPERMAN”-MATT supermatt South Pasadena High School’s Academic Decathlon team competed in last Friday’s Junior Olympic Decathlon in Stockholm, Sweden. Decathletes everywhere were shocked by their unanimous domination in the decathlon, including the Acadeca team themselves. For their hard effort, the SPHS Acadeca team was awarded a $1,000 Nordstrom gift card that mysteriously disappeared following the awards ceremony.

“I knew from the moment I entered our team that we were going to win,” Valcorza said while burning all of his files regarding registration in the decathlon.

instruments used by Olivier Messiaen in WWII. At 5’1,” junior Allison Ou scoffed with derision as her shot-put score doubled that of 6’4” giant “plebs.”

With seniors Anthony Chen, Nadine Hamden, Maggie Wu, and Timothy An competing, the SPHS Decathlon team was able to utterly destroy the competition in the 100, 200, 400, and 1600 meter runs.

The long and short jumping competitions WOWed many onlookers, including several Olympic champions and gold medalists. Bob Beamon described South Pasadena’s decathletes as “impressively well-trained,” and proceeded to question team members of how they precisely trained for the jumps. Several Decathletes said that they had made subject outlines for the their competitions and then proceeded to jump over them while giving a speech on the history of quantum mechanics.

Senior Chen said of his victory in the 1600, “I was initially unaware of our participation, but as soon as Mr. Valcorza brought out his Ted Baker London shoes for me at the end of our 56 hour practice, I knew the race was signed, sealed, and delivered, bois.” During the shot put competition, lifelong Olympic trainees were spectacularly defeated by the Decathletes, who made literal world records while reciting each precise note and the philosophical purpose of the

At the end of his interview, Valcorza wildly waved his $1,000 Nordstrom gift card, yelling with almost childlike glee, “And look at what we got!”

REVERSE CLASSISM

PEER MEDIATORS EXPOSED

MERRITT SHREDS THE GNAR

A former Marengo Lion laments the anti-wealthy discrimination she faces in South Pasadena.

Tiger investigates Will Hoadley-Brill’s true intentions with his “mental health advocacy” cult.

A look into SPHS Vice Principal Mrs. MerrittPaul’s secret life as a skater.

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