Tiger Newspaper April Fools Issue 2017

VOLUME 103 ISSUE 666 APRIL FOOLS 2017

The

SOUTH PASADENA HIGH SCHOOL 1401 FREMONT AVE, SOUTH PASADENA, CA 91030

r o i r r a W e c i t s u J l Socia TIGERNEWSPAPER.GOV

IN THE F A K E

NEWS

REGAN’S OPINION POLICY

ANOTHER LOCKDOWN

CHINESE CURRICULUM

Mr. Regan’s no-opinion policy unraveled when a Jeb Bush 2020 pin lapel fell out of his sweater vest last week.

Administrators initiated a lockdown after student was caught with a threateningly shaped orange peel.

Chinese classes were uncovered as a cover-up for a long term social experiment—legal consequences ensue.

Decathletes destroy Olympic athletes Valcorza’s Decathletes remain victorious on a different terrain STORY “REFORMED” ANARCHO-MONARCHIST, Archibald Wellingstonshire III, Duke of Hanover, And Earl of Westlinyorkham PHOTOGRAPH “SUPERMAN”-MATT supermatt South Pasadena High School’s Academic Decathlon team competed in last Friday’s Junior Olympic Decathlon in Stockholm, Sweden. Decathletes everywhere were shocked by their unanimous domination in the decathlon, including the Acadeca team themselves.

For their hard effort, the SPHS Acadeca team was awarded a $1,000 Nordstrom gift card that mysteriously disappeared following the awards ceremony.

“I knew from the moment I entered our team that we were going to win,” Valcorza said while burning all of his files regarding registration in the decathlon.

instruments used by Olivier Messiaen in WWII. At 5’1,” junior Allison Ou scoffed with derision as her shot-put score doubled that of 6’4” giant “plebs.”

With seniors Anthony Chen, Nadine Hamden, Maggie Wu, and Timothy An competing, the SPHS Decathlon team was able to utterly destroy the competition in the 100, 200, 400, and 1600 meter runs.

The long and short jumping competitions WOWed many onlookers, including several Olympic champions and gold medalists. Bob Beamon described South Pasadena’s decathletes as “impressively well-trained,” and proceeded to question team members of how they precisely trained for the jumps. Several Decathletes said that they had made subject outlines for the their competitions and then proceeded to jump over them while giving a speech on the history of quantum mechanics.

Senior Chen said of his victory in the 1600, “I was initially unaware of our participation, but as soon as Mr. Valcorza brought out his Ted Baker London shoes for me at the end of our 56 hour practice, I knew the race was signed, sealed, and delivered, bois.”

During the shot put competition, lifelong Olympic trainees were spectacularly defeated by the Decathletes, who made literal world records while reciting each precise note and the philosophical purpose of the

At the end of his interview, Valcorza wildly waved his $1,000 Nordstrom gift card, yelling with almost childlike glee, “And look at what we got!”

REVERSE CLASSISM

PEER MEDIATORS EXPOSED

MERRITT SHREDS THE GNAR

A former Marengo Lion laments the anti-wealthy discrimination she faces in South Pasadena.

Tiger investigates Will Hoadley-Brill’s true intentions with his “mental health advocacy” cult.

A look into SPHS Vice Principal Mrs. MerrittPaul’s secret life as a skater.

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FAKE NEWS

TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

Student confuses comfort dog for drug dog, consumes edibles

Elite colleges dismayed: Gong & Shen decline all STORY JOSEPH SMITH All American Prophet As most students across the nation anxiously wait to receive word from colleges, the deans of Ivy League schools received their own admissions letters from two exceptional SPHS students.

“Letter of Admissions: Hoyt Gong and Kendrick Shen,” the document read.

“Dear Harvard, We are sorry to inform you that we, Hoyt Gong and Kendrick Shen, are unable to accept your acceptance. While we understand the work you’ve done to make your institution one of the most prestigious in the country, we regret to inform you that regardless of your efforts, we are just too good for you. We hope you are understanding of this and we wish your school the best of luck without us.”

consumes recreational baked goods behind bathroom stall doors, hounded by unpettable poodle.

DELINQUENT STUDENT

STORY GOOD GIRL GONE BAD, Biggest Player on the Softball team PHOTOGRAPH WHOM’STD’LY, you should’ve’nt’ed’ll A senior last week was unable to discern the subtleties in breed between poodle and golden retriever, and rapidly consumed her entire stash of edibles to avoid being apprehended by the dog. She ended up having to be wheeled out of her seventh period class.

South Pasadena High School hires adorable doggos for two very different purposes on campus. The comfort dogs, here to soothe students undergoing emotional distress, are uptight poodles who never let me pet them.

On the other hand, the drug dog is always here to narc on students. While an experienced student may be able to tell the difference, this student was not so sharp.

The student looked over her shoulder and saw a friendly poodle bounding after her, as if she was being followed. In a panic, she dashed to the bathroom. Witnesses heard a furious chomping from behind a stall door. The student

remained in the bathroom for over ten minutes.

“This homie walked out and she just reeked,” said one witness. “She kept mumbling about the dogs.”

The student passed out in her last class of the day and was quickly taken to the Huntington Memorial Hospital. After receiving medical treatment because she was just way too high, it was found that the student ate over 20 edibles.

Thankfully, she turned out just fine.

When the student returned to school this week, Assistant Principal for Student Services Ms. Wichman looked disappointingly upon her. A returning delinquent to the SPHS administrative offices, the student faces a second suspension. She will remain in her various leadership positions around the school, but will be subject to ostracization from ASB.

Mills Launches Solo Career at Fifth Grade Night

“Too good for my school? This is Harvard for Christ’s sake,” the dean of admissions balked as she ran to call her colleagues.

It was soon discovered that the University of Pennsylvania and Stanford University were the only two schools that Gong and Shen felt were worthy of their acceptance letters.

“Stanford University is the only school good enough for me,” Shen said. “None of the other universities in this country are respectable.”

Meanwhile, Gong debated which schools were deserving of his acceptance. Harvard had a decent reputation, however the academic environment was not competitive enough for him.

“The only school that deserves my presence is the University of Pennsylvania. It is the only school that has a program selective enough for me,” Gong boasted.

When asked why they had made this decision, Shen proclaimed “I am Elon Musk’s reincarnation,” noting that his lack of multi-national tech industry experience was insignificant to the matter.

“I just feel that I am too smart for some of these schools,” Gong stated. “Let’s be honest, Princeton has nothing on my 4.0, and that’s the truth.”

Former One Silver Astronaut frontman livens up the evening with new original music STORY WALUIGI, Valiant rallyin’ Italian stallion PHOTOGRAPH WHOM’STD’LY, you should’ve’nt’ed’ll Parents and fifth graders alike were treated to the surprise of a lifetime last Wednesday as Mr. Shane Mills, former lead singer of One Silver Astronaut, officially launched his solo music career at Fifth Grade Night, a taste of SPHS life for rising 6th graders.

“I was just exiting one of the bungalows when I heard the sound of a velvety voice accompanied by angelic, ethereal chords,” one parent said from her hospital bed. “I was immediately drawn to the sound, and I turned around so fast that I broke my neck.”

To begin his performance, the geometrically tattooed math teacher treated his audience to a choice selection of covers, including Johann Sebastian Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1, The Beatles’ “Yesterday”, and Future’s “Mask Off”. Following that, he transitioned into a few original songs, starting off with “I Didn’t Know she was a Vegan”, the tragic tale of a romantic relationship ended over a dinner table dispute. Then came “What’s the Deal with

Boba?”, a song in which Mr. Mills expressed his confusion and dismay over the extreme popularity of the Taiwanese beverage. He concluded his performance with the powerful ballad “I Wish Mr. Chan Would Hang Out with me More.”

After his performance was over, Mr. Mills shocked the audience yet again with a story never before told to the general public: that of how he was removed from One Silver Astronaut.

“We ordered a 16 taco plate from Taco Bell, and we were deciding how to split it up,” Mills said, with tears trickling down his cheeks. “I figured since I was the lead singer, I would have four, and everyone else would have three. But they disagreed, and things quickly got out of hand. It still haunts me to this day.”

Mr. Mills made one last announcement before leaving the stage. His debut full-length studio album, Recovering from the Taco Tantrum, is set for release in record stores nationwide and on iTunes on July 4, 2017.

ROCK & RECIPROCALS Shane Mills shakes things up with an electric performance in Bungalow 1 at Fifth Grade Night.

LIBERAL AGENDA

TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

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THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR ESTABLISHED 1913 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Self-proclaimed Goddess of Sports, seagull hater MANAGING EDITORS The Honorable, Professional Jerry Brown Impersonator Bad Dictionary, Fake News Reporter NEWS secret aGent G, club penguin has-been OPINION Resident Alt Girl, Charlotte Foley’s oldest younger sister FEATURE Declan 2.0, Declan 2.0 SPORTS Vaughn Huelsman, High School Dropout

ILLUSTRATORS Binch Bonch, Bonch Binch STUDENT ATHLETE, THE GRIND NEVER ENDS MANAGERS Makin’ it rain, cha-ching

Stereotypes

Diversity

Misconception

Culture

Concept

Inherently

Notion

Oppression

Validation

Cultivated

Breeds

System

Appropriation Imperative Harmful

Intersectional Construct

Oppressive

Stigma

PHOTOGRAPHER whom’st’d’ly, you should’ve’nt’ed’ll Brian Kojima, Super Senior Tiger Photographer superMatt, superman

Microaggression

STAFF WRITERS Archibald Wellingstonshire III, Duke of Hannover and Earl of Westlinyorkham, “Reformed” Anarcho-Monarchist Nakka Flakka, Wicked Swami who?, certified wallflower UwU plant rawr boy, cactus-kin sailing snake, user of action verbs to desperately fill word count official “Merritt/alternative fact” checker, Elizabeth forgot to put a position Mike Pence, Vice President of CASC

Patriarchy Implications Society

SENIOR STAFF WRITER Huff Po Contributor, Couple good bylines, now she famous

Marginalize

COPY Good girl gone bad, Biggest Player on the Softball team Not Angry, Just Disappointed, am i being quirky enough

Inclusive

PHOTOGRAPY James Jontz, Editor

ST A F F ED IT O R I A L Problematic

DESIGN the notorious hacker known as 4chan, one time I installed ubuntu New Deal Daddy, SOC-DEM REVISIONIST MARXIST THIRD WORLD ANTI-IMPERIALIST STERNIRTITE MARXIST DE LEONIST

Perpetuates

WEBMASTER Aspiring kirean + Jayhyung 2.0, Czar of technology

ved* *ASB Appro

FACULTY ADVISOR MIKE HOGAN DISTRIBUTION: 1479 STUDENTS; 70 COMMUNITY. 1600 COPIES PRINTED. DISTRIBUTED BY TIGER STAFF FREE OF CHARGE.

THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR IS A SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS DAY HUMOR EDITION PRODUCED BY THE ADVANCED JOURNALISM NEWSPAPER CLASS AT SOUTH PASADENA HIGH SCHOOL, 1401 FREMONT AVE, SOUTH PASADENA CA, 91030.

PUBLICATIONS OFFICE: (626) 441-5820X2615, LAYOUT AND PHOTO IMAGING ARE COMPLETED ON SITE. PRINTED BY THE AMERICAN/FOOTBALL PUBLISHING CO., INC., TUJUNGA, CA.

THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR IS A THE TIGER ISSUE INTENDED ENTIRELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES AND IN NO WAY REFLECTS NOR REPRESENTS THE VIEWS OF THE STAFF, STUDENT BODY, OR THE ADIMINISTRATION OF SPHS.

Boos & Bravos

Tiger ’s ASB’s cheers and jeers for the month of April.

BOOS BOO to rain for ruining our posters!

BOO to edgy teens for thinking it’s uncool to have school spirit. Dances are fun, we swear!

BOO to the student body for undermining sincere efforts to make our school a more inclusive place.

BOO to Benedict Arnold Olivia Nouriani.

BOO to fourth period teachers for teaching through the PA announcements.

BRAVOS BRAVO to ASB for its superb organizational skills and great sense of taste in school-approved activities.

BRAVO to ASB for lookin’ fine in their orange windbreakers <3.

BRAVO to everyone who’s putting themselves out there and running for Commission.

BRAVO to ASB for getting stuff done. We respect your work ethic. (It’s not bragging!)

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TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

LIBERAL AGENDA

Milan Avenue Blues STORY HUFF PO CONTRIBUTOR, Couple good bylines, now she famous ILLUSTRATION STUDENT ATHLETE, THE GRIND NEVER ENDS When I entered sixth grade at SPMS, I was under the impression that I would be accepted no matter what. However, the students marginalized nearly a third of the student body. No, I am not talking about the boys who writhed to “Centipede” or the unironic PSY/LMFAO fans; I am talking about former Marengo students. Yes, we statistically are wealthier, but that doesn’t excuse the blatant discrimination we face.

As I write this on my MacBook Pro, sitting on a pastel pink PBteen office chair, I am becoming increasingly irate due to something I heard during lunch (I was eating a chicken wrap from Bristol Farms, dropped off in the office by my mother).

I was mid-bite into a piece of free range boiled chicken, no seasoning, when I heard someone say, “What do you call an animal that can only drink kombucha and cold press juices? A Marengo Lion.”

The harmful rhetoric of anti-Marengo jokes has to end. Just because our campus has a newly painted rainbow foursquare court doesn’t mean Marengo kids aren’t normal people. We have our own issues like the vaguely phallic rocket in the “I Can Change the Future” mural and the rusted tether ball courts.

Furthermore, the harmful stereotypes of Marengo-ians perfectly illustrates reverse classism. The graduated income tax? Why do billionaires pay more taxes than college students? Marengo-ians can’t even wear polo shirts and boat shoes without being made fun of on Twitter. This is real discrimination. We are living in a time of criminalizing the wealthy. One time, reverse classism hit too close to home when Marengo’s annual field trip to the Rothschild family estate had to be postponed because the family was accused of “tax evasion.”

The request to make dialogue regarding Marengo more inclusive is far more valid than Arroyo Vista and Monterey Hills’ fake reasons for killing the free market (banning Silly Bandz and criminalizing selling water babies). There was no outrage when Monterey Hills banned pretend games, depriving children of their imaginations .

There needs to be greater advocacy for equal treatment between Marengo-ians and commoners.

Perhaps a fine on roasting Marengo should be instituted. Stop making fun of Marengo or I’ll call my dad to tell Ms. Anderson and Ms. Anderson will tell the counselors.

Anti-barista Culture STORY SAILING SNAKE, uses action verbs to fill word count ILLUSTRATION BONCH BINCH, binch bonch Happiness, money, and bragging material for dinner parties are tokens of any successful professional. There is no doubt that a career is an important part of any accomplished person’s life, but what is our school really doing to provide for us? Awards like the Blue Ribbon attempt to promote specialized career paths in STEM, the arts and literature. However, these options are incredibly obsolete in our modern world. As much as our school may want to prepare students for these “ideal” careers, this experience becomes impractical if students wish to pursue a more modern lifestyle.

No amount of Valcorza notes can prepare students for the hectic workload of a Pete’s Coffee barista. Insane morning coffee rushes and hangry customers are enough to rock most to their core. Pumping bottles of caramel and frothing milk are skills that individuals are forced to learn on their own with zero experience. Of course, barista-ing is in no way a permanent job. The art of coffee is merely a means of income until a call back from The X-Factor arrives.

While coffee may have a relatively smooth learning curve, many other hopeful professionals are not so lucky. Courses based solely on state standards leave no room for creativity. How can an aspiring DJ learn the

wonders of pretending to do something other than pressing play if they are bogged down with complex trigonometry? How do we foster a love for baking gluten-free dog treats if we can only take A-G approved courses? Our school and our society place an outrageous importance on conventional subjects, thereby preventing students from exploring alternative professions. Who knows how many more lifestyle bloggers and Yelp review writers this world would have if our school introduced courses that catered to more modern needs?

One can only wonder how different our lives would be if we had been allowed to expand our horizons. If all of our time was not spent on Kadletz homework, could we have a love for the arts? If our creativity had not been stifled by study guide after study guide, how different would we be? Our school needs to align its values with those of the students. We need to stop wasting our time with precalculus and French and instead focus on training our students for the vocations that thrive in the modern world.

As the old saying goes: teach a student logs and he will panic until finals, teach a man how to maintain a five star rating on Uber and he will be able to support his family for generations to come.

DEAR WAYE | WAYE FITHERALL, AYSO Star

Joining the South Pas Elite Dear Waye, Do you have any advice for my Tiger, ASB, and Copa applications?

Step 4: Acquire the rare ability to spot racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, and white privilege in every single situation.

Great question, Don! Here is some advice in the format of a wiki-how article:

ASB Step 1: Marry into the Lopez family/dynasty.

Step 2: Fondly refer to your advisor as “Shotty”.

Step 3: Know that once you don the orange jacket, you must become extremely defensive about everything that ASB does.

TIGER Step 1: Foodie? You’re only allowed to write about local Asian restaurants, and we applaud the usage of phrases like “delicious noodles” and “tender sashimi.”

Step 2: If opinion tickles your fancy, transcribe a John Oliver video.

Step 3: If you have any interest in covering a lesser-known organization oncampus (think Color Guard, band, clubs other than TASSEL, dance), don’t.

COPA Step 1: Get rejected from Tiger.

Step 2: Make sure that all 200 of your Instagram followers know how inspiring black and white shots of DTLA can be.

Step 3: Throw away all other jackets. That blue number is the only one you will ever need.

Sincerely, Don Draper

etc.

TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

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MY BEARD IS COOL, I SWEAR STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT SOUTH PARK

8 Fun Facts about San Marino!

Number 4 will blow your mind!

We all know the elegant estates and wellwatered lawns that characterize the suburb immediately to our east. But here are some more little known fun facts about our beloved, slightly more affluent neighbor.

1. The recent drought just skipped the city entirely. “The drought decided not to bother us. We were so lucky!” local yoga instructor Lindsey St. Claire said.

CULT LEADER Will Hoadley-Brill conducts weekly ceremony surrounded by just a few of his many brainwashed followers.

Peer Mediators: Recruiting Obedient Worshippers?

STORY THEY’RE GOOD DOGS BRENT, why are you so mad bront PHOTOGRAPH WHOM’ST’D’LY, you should’ve’nt’ed’ll Junior Will Hoadley-Brill is a familiar face around campus. His smiling persona has a hand in many activities, from being a sales specialist in Virtual Business to VP of Tassel. His magnum opus, however, is his work in Peer Mediators, having founded the club to help fellow students with stress. Some would call him jack of all trades. Others would call him a kingpin.

From the beginning, the Peer Mediators has been a shadowy conglomeration. First, students were called out, with no seeming correlation, to be questioned on their levels of stress. I wanted to uncover what really went on in those “group therapy” sessions.

Upon request for interview, Hoadley-Brill directed me to a room tucked away at the back of the library.

There were no lights; for a minute I thought I was at the wrong place. But then I heard him call out: “Well don’t just stand there all day. Come in!” Hastily, I entered, and found that there was a light: a single candle, halfmelted, flickering under Hoadley-Brill’s face.

“Hello,” he said brightly. “Glad you found our little corner. Watch out to your left; we’re making more therapeutic slime.” His smile widened a fraction.

“We’ve got to clean up soon. Can’t leave a mess for the custodians! That’s not in the spirit of the Peer Mediators.”

There was a rustle in the corner. I whirled around, but it was too dark to see any further than a foot. “Is there anyone else here?” I asked.

Out & About

STORY UwU PLANT RAWR BOY, cactus-kin

“The only one that matters here is you,” Hoadley-Brill said, comfortingly. “How are you doing? Is senioritis affecting you too much? We’re always here if you’re feeling overwhelmed or under motivated. We have methods to help fix both of those.”

Shaken, I tried to direct conversation back to the matter at hand: investigating the Peer Mediators. Hoadley-Brill was more than happy to expound about their goals, but remained frustratingly vague about their methodology and how they have the ability to organize events like the past TEDx event with the grand theme of Expecting and Accepting.

“There are some things that you just must accept,” he said. “Accept, and obey.” Then he leaned forward, the candlelight glinting off his glasses. “Have you ever thought about joining the peer mediators?”

Another rustle in the corner of the library.

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “Thanks for the interview.”

I left that little shadowy library room thoroughly terrified. As I closed the door, the room broke out into whispers. When I look back at my notes, the majority of them are unintelligible, like my mind had temporarily forgotten how to write. For now, the Peer Mediators remain a mystery, but it is clear Hoadley-Brill is the puppeteer, and his strings extend to more of SPHS than we are, or will ever be, aware of.

2. Citizens hire chauffeurs to drive them around in order to keep sidewalks free for runners. Due to the number of joggers on the sidewalks, pedestrians have become a hazard. So, residents have begun hiring private cars to get them from place to place.

3. Every issue of the San Marino Tribune is printed on an iPad. While most newspapers are printed on paper and sold for about 3 dollars, San Marino’s paper is printed on the back of an iPad Air and costs about 600 dollars.

4. Get Out was filmed entirely in San Marino. Most citizens enjoyed the exposure and did not mind how their town was portrayed in the movie.

5. The vandalism in San Marino entirely consists of strangers painting other people’s picket fences white. While most city governments actively attempt to quell vandalism, San Marino does not feel the need to.

6. They use Roombas instead of street cleaners. In 2014, the mayor of San Marino purchased 300 Roombas to clean their streets because he thought they were “very in.”

7. When residents enter the city, a member of the SMPD hands them an açaï bowl.

The utter lack of crime has left the police department so in need of things to do that they have begun giving these low fat meals to anybody with a San Marino address.

8. There are no apartments in San Marino, which keeps the city sparkling. South Pasadena can’t live up to this standard of cleanliness. While people are finally banned from sleeping in cars in our city, they are still allowed to rent an apartment for $2000 a month.

The Social Justice Warrior’s take on local authentic Asian eateries and dishes. Take one of our suggestions for a weekend adventure into a strange exotic culture.

COOKIES AND CREAM

PANDA EXPRESS

TWOHEY’S

Don’t have the funds to travel to Asia? Don’t worry, Taiwan’s coming to you! Quaint little ice cream shop Cookies and Cream on Mission is serving up a chewy delight in the form of traditional Asian bubble tea (or as the cool kids say, bohba!). Chewy, tasty, and delicious– and the only place nearby to catch this exotic delicacy.

On a budget? Consider Panda Express for a cheap yet genuine taste of Mother China!

An interesting item not to miss: their orange chicken will rock your world! Fair warning though, the spice rub on this bird may be a little too intense– keep a glass of milk on hand!

Looking for a delectable oriental bite in a place that feels a little closer to home? Give Twohey’s Ahi Tuna Poke (pronounced PohKey) a try! This dish is served RAW (don’t worry, it’s safe) originating from Hawaii! Can I get an Aloha?

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TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

ETC.

ANTHONY CHEN STORY PALPATINE, Chancellor PHOTO WHOM’ST’D’LY, you should’ve’nt’ed’ll Anthony Chen has earned many titles in his life. He is a student to his teachers, a teacher to his students, an Acadecathlete to his fellow knowledge-seekers, and a sportsman to his teammates.

Chen is often visible during brunch and lunch, running around campus in his orange ASB windbreaker.

This jacket and its bright colors symbolize his blinding passion for politics. He is second in command of ASB as the CIA and an avid member of CASC, pushing to pass legislation for students whenever he can. His weekends are often filled with trips to Sacramento and San Francisco for CASC, though he would often prefer to play computer games such as DoTA 2, Starcraft, and Heroes of the Storm.

Anthony finds a way to fit in many other extracurricular activities during his 30-hour-a-day life. He is a member of the tennis and swim teams, both of which are spring sports. Once school ends, Anthony runs back and forth on the tennis court, rushing to the aquatics center in between water breaks. There, he showcases his graceful backstroke and explosive freestyle, leaving spectators in awe of how excels in so many aspects of life. Furthermore, his love for tennis and swimming has translated into a love for a different sport, football. As a football coach, Chen encourages others to become as involved in as many high school activities as he was.

learn at exceptional levels.

Additionally, he also has a knowledge of trivia beyond belief. One needs only to look at Chen’s Facebook wall from 2015 to see just how much he knows about everything. His thirst for knowledge has made him one of the smartest students at the South Pas. Rightfully so, he utilizes his capacity for knowledge by competing for the school’s Academic Decathlon team. He is often able to whizz through the competitions, finishing quicker than anyone else and proceeding to play his aforementioned favorite computer games.

Anthony Chen, a true “Renaissance Man,” has made an unforgettable impact on this school and its students. He can be seen at all corners of campus improving the lives of his peers and performing above and beyond academically, athletically, and politically.

However, Anthony’s passion for politics and athletics should not be overshadowed by his superb academic achievements. Not only are his grades near perfect, but he has completed over 500 credits, a school record. Chen has recognized the impact that this school has had on students and directly involves himself in the education process as a math teacher for Math 2.

Anthony has forged new paths for students’ learning abilities with his math-themed Youtube channel, Chan Academy. Many students have claimed that this alternative source of learning has allowed them to

y the PC Pin’ Poke s

SAFE

GAME

SPACE

anthem

Wichman

sighs

Someone points out the Tiger’s balls in library

TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

ESPN OCHO

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COACH NG. DRESSCODED AT RECENT MEET STORY OFFICIAL “ALTERNATIVE FACT/ MERIT CHECKER”, Editor PHOTOGRAPH SAILING SNAKE, User of action verbs to desperately fill word count Coach Ken Ng has been helping the distance running squad since the Mesozoic Era. He’s always served as a role model for the entire team, seeing as how he can outpace them all on his famous “ElliptiGo.” Despite years of displaying risqué running shorts, Ng has finally been caught by administration. Beatriz Chang, a concerned parent, phoned in the offense to the school office, bringing Principal Janet Anderson to the scene. Upon her arrival, Anderson immediately radioed for backup, seeing as how his wear was a critical threat to the well being of SPHS students. Under South Pasadena dress code, Ng’s outfit was rendered “too distracting” and he was forced to leave.

The trio initially apprehended Ng just after the varsity boys 800 meters race. One of the runners, Oliver Chang, tripped and fell just because he was too distracted by Ng’s apparel. This mistake dropped Chang out of the race, which cost South Pas the precious few points needed to win, ruining its six year perfect league meet winning streak.

Ng’s sense of style has always been a beacon for the rest of the distance team. Ever since freshman year, senior Robert Steele has been taking inspiration from Ng’s clothing and modeling the boa shorts. The fad has slowly been spreading throughout the team, but now that it is disapproved, team morale is low. Without a fashion role model, the distance team hopes it can still make it through the season.

JUNIOR RILEY SEAGULL stands tall over her shlumped opponents. Despite a low seeding, the 5’8” junior silenced many haters, while winning the tournament in epic fashion.

RILEY SEAGULL DOMINATES FIGHT CLUB, WINS EDITOR In an upset, junior Riley Seagull wins Editor in Chief, after pummeling opposition in Annual Fight Night.

STORY SUPERMATT, “Superman” and JOSEPH SMITH, All American Prophet PHOTOGRAPH SUPERMATT, Superman As the clock struck midnight and most teens settled into bed, the Tiger staff migrated to the decrepit middle school gymnasium for the most important gathering of the year: Fight Night. The annual event boasted the prize of Editor in Chief.

Going into the tournament, juniors Brandon Yung and Cole Cahill emerged as early favorites. When the two met in the first round, it became clear that only one could persevere. With Cahill falling to Yung early, Riley Seagull embraced her role as underdog.

Due to her low seeding in the tournament, Seagull wrestled strong opponents. Regardless, she soared through her competition, effortlessly defeating Ashton Carless, Truman Lesak and Luke Quezada. Meanwhile, in the lower wing of the tournament, fan favorite Yung easily dominated his matchups. When the semi-finals came around, Yung masterfully took down his opponent Sammy Park with unmatched agility.

Yung sprang up and immediately attacked, but Seagull evaded the move. She then let one fly, delivering a punch directly to Yung’s jaw. Her opponent fell, however he regained his composure and the fire in his eyes made it clear that he wasn’t going down without a fight.

With shocking speed, Yung grabbed a crowbar and ran at Seagull. This attempt to inflict fear in Seagull’s mind only made her stronger. She became infuriated, like a mother bird protecting her nest. Yung swung at Seagull’s face, but she grabbed the bar and flipped her opponent to the ground, finishing him off with a left hook to her opponent’s throat.

The crowd flocked to the victor, chanting her name and carrying her on their shoulders. Seagull was so overwhelmed by the situation that she couldn’t hold back tears from running down her cheeks.

With her rivals defeated, Seagull now prepares herself for her well-earned position of Editor-in-Chief for the upcoming year.

As suspense built before the finals, contenders Seagull and Yung rested. Sweat dripped from the foreheads of both contenders as they internalized the significance of their match.

LEAVING NOTHING TO THE IMAGINATION, Coach Ng flaunts his sturdy legs at a recent meet.

Seagull turned to her trainer and with a straight face said, “Egg, pass me the beaker of water.”

She downed the water and rose from her chair. Glaring directly into Yung’s eyes she said, “Cash me outside, how bout dah.”

Student Athletes: JALYNNE LI

Exemplifying the best grinds of SPHS student athletes, glory be to God.

JALEN ROSS

KIERNAN P.R.

08

TIGER APRIL FOOLS 2017

ESPN OCHO

Merritt-Paul makes name as skater STORY GOOD GIRL GONE BAD, Biggest player on the softball team AFTER A TRIP TO SNAKE TRAIL, PHOTOGRAPH JOSEPH SMITH, Vice Principal Ginger Meritt holds her deck in front of office.

All American Prophet

Palpatine Perception

Inside the baseball locker room STORY PALPATINE, Chancellor Since the dawn of the Gregorio Era, few people have had the courage to enter the dark, barren wasteland known as the baseball locker room. But last Tuesday, the Rallyin’ Valiant Italian Stallion Waluigi and I decided to forgo all common sense and venture into the depths of this ominous abyss.

From the moment we passed the threshold, we were blindsided by an explosion of sensory details from all corners of the locker room. The smell alone was so horridly dank that, had we not donned our gas masks prior to entry, we surely would have never made it out. This stench, most likely originating from wet shoes, sweaty shirts, or straight body odor, was the first hint of why the general public has never been allowed inside.

You’re at SPSP. It’s late. Someone whizzes by you, their momentum blowing a cool breeze on your ripped jean holes. They quickly pop an ollie, then execute a three-seventy triple willie grind. You haven’t seen that move executed perfectly in years! “Nice!” They turn around and you gasp. It’s a familiar face.

You’ve seen it before… when you were last dress-coded for sagging.

Vice Principal Ms. Merritt-Paul can be frequently seen around school confiscating skateboards. She asserts this is because “skating on

campus violates school rules.” But you know her secret.

Merritt is actually a Skate God. She collects the boards to squash her competition, and it’s paying off.

Called “The Next Tony Hawk” and endorsed by Crown Roots, MerrittPaul embodies the dream of any regular skater. She has five competitions under her belt, edging out tough competition of all ages.

“I got into skating when I took Matt Postrel’s board his freshman year,”

Merritt-Paul explains. “It sat in the corner of my office for a couple days before I broke. I crept out to the South Pasadena skate park, popularly known as SPSP, at the recommendation of Brandon Vaughan.”

After her initial introduction, Merritt-Paul worked tirelessly at the sport. Recently, it paid off: she just announced her plan to go on a worldwide expo tour to launch her new merchandise. Now, anyone can purchase her own snapbacks, bro tanks, and beanies to experience what it’s like to be a Skate God.

A nice compliment to the smell were the many shirtless men we found in the room, most of whom were in peak physical baseball condition.

We could see the sweat glistening off of their many rolls of fat, and could hear their exhausted panting clear as day. This elite level of fitness and strength was clearly developed through hours of hard work that only a baseball training regiment provides.

As we ventured further in, it became apparent that baseball players were not the only living things in the locker room. Spiders, mosquitos, beetles, and crickets were scattered across the walls, resembling a scene from A Bug’s Life.

For safety reasons, we advise that people steer clear from this hazardous area whenever possible. Not only is it laced with critters, but the surrounding odor is enough to kill you instantly.

Quans battle Ball Brothers STORY NAKKA FLAKA, Wicked Swami PHOTOGRAPH WHOM’ST’DLY, You should’ve’nt’ed’ll South Pasadena’s own Quan family squared off against the Chino Hills Ball brothers in a “friendly” three on three pickup basketball game on Saturday, April 1.

Sources say that an altercation took place between Lavar Ball and Quan Sr, who bumped into each other at a Lakers-Clippers game. Rules were based off of an average pickup basketball game, with each made basket only counting one point and the game going to a score of 10.

THE THREE QUAN BROTHERS strike a pose after an 11-9 victory.

BUT WAIT

The game started off in typical fashion for the Ball brothers as they started off with a barrage of half-court shots, sinking three in the process. Seniors Alex Quan and Aric Quan both struggled to score after air balling their first four shots until a lone putback set the score at 3-1.

Chino Hills alumni Lonzo Ball found his groove early with a steal off of Aric, immediately passing the ball to sophomore Lamelo Ball for a layup. Senior Liangelo Ball tallied up two points of his own to give them the

lead at 6-1. Freshman Alan Quan, struggled matching up with Lamelo, who scored an additional two points off of a layup and putback shot, but managed to shut down Lamelo moving forward. Lonzo proceeded to chalk up assists against Alex with an alley oop to Liangelo, giving the Balls a 9-1 lead in the game.

In what seemed like a sudden blowout for the Ball brothers, the Quan brothers successfully came back to win the game with a score of 11-9.

“I made a quick step to the right then blew by him on the left and dunked the ball as hard as I could,” Alan said after scoring the winning point. “I have to credit it all to playing volleyball really.”

After the game had ended, both senior Quan brothers were offered full scholarships to Kentucky College to play Division I basketball. Alan is currently the most sought-after prospect in California, with offers from UCLA and Harvard.

“Doesn’t mean anything,” Lavar Ball said. “If we were playing for real, my boys would’ve killed them, just like I would with MJ [Michael Jordan].”

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