Aquatic apes
RETIRED
LITTLE LEAGUE APRILFOOL’SEDITION
UNCLE SAM’s Minions
FIre hazard
Broadway WANNABES
PLUMBING PRISON
TIG-EREWHON USC
SLEEPER AGENTS
CENTERPROPAGANDA
STORY DEBBIE DOWNER, None of these jokes make sense to me
On Friday, April 21st, John Eldrid announced during the Weekly Reminders that he had signed off on a brand new addition to South Pasadena High School. Due to complaints about the bathrooms, he has come up with a solution to all of the student’s worries. On March 24th, the porcelain toilets in the 500s building will be replaced with gold-plated toilets.
remained were several blueprints for a knockoff Optimus Prime, and the words “the catalytic convertor captor” (yes, with “converter” misspelled) spraypainted on the north wall of the room.
“I understand people’s concerns which is why I’ve come up with this solution, and if everything works out, students can look forward to gold plated sinks!” Eldrid said.
After this statement, concerns have been brought up about the money that would be spent on gold-plated toilets. On average, one gold-plated toilet cost $1,000. In addition to the price of installment, this new plan would cost more than $10,000.
“I believe the money could be spent on something more educational, for example a salary increase.” A dismayed teacher said.
Eldrid has addressed these concerns in an email sent out on Saturday 23rd. It stated that the gold-plated bathrooms would only be installed in the girl’s bathroom in the 500s building which would decrease the cost by half. However, this has not solved the problem but instead brought a new one.
“It’s outrageous that he would give gold-plated bathrooms to a girl and not to boys. Both need to pee and like gold,” Another dismayed teacher said. “If you’re going to do it for one, do it for both.”
Although the email was met with disapproval, it has managed to change many people’s minds about the gold-plated toilets. They are now demanding gold-plated toilets in the 500s building girls and boys bathroom.
“I waited in line for twenty minutes last week to go to the bathroom, at least in a month, I’ll be able to sit in a bathroom made of gold.” A sophomore said.
If this push for change goes through, South Pasadena High School would be the first school in the Americas to have gold-plated bathrooms for their students.
“I have a dream,” Eldrid stated at the end of his thirty paragraph essay to the school board, “that we will finally be number one at something. With this idea, we can.”
“The creation of a robot at the hands of a professional is scary enough,” said an anonymous member of the team. “But one being made by what seems to be a complete
be sad “No ;)”
try not to miss meeeee loserrrrrrrrrr “Fear not, I’ll be too busy juggling moonbeams and disco balls, but I’ll keep a sprinkle of stardust reserved just for you! The quantum platypus shall serenade the intergalactic starfish in your honor, bidding farewell to the cosmic chaos we shared.”
im breaking up with you “Oh quantum quokkas! Farewell, I’ll twirl with the pixelated flamingos in the kaleidoscopic void of the digital cosmos!”
WTAF MAKE SENSE “Apologies for the quantum potato malfunction! Let’s recalibrate with a synchronized quantum llama cha-cha.”
narrate our romantic jersey dinner date “Amidst the neon glow of New Jersey, we embark on a culinary escapade to “The Noodle Nook and Giggles Galore.” Stale, grease-scented air envelops us as we indulge in warm mud pies, each bite a whimsical journey into gastronomic absurdity. Laughter echoes as we chase elusive noodles, dancing in the flickering lights. Our hearts intertwine amidst the chaos, forging a bond as resilient as spaghetti strands. In this surreal realm, time melts like cheese.”
“Noodle Nook and Giggles Galore” is an enchanting amalgamation of whimsy and wonder, designed to transport diners to a realm where noodles frolic and laughter reigns supreme. It’s a fantastical haven where culinary delights and mirth intertwine in delightful chaos, promising a dining experience like no other!”
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS NOODLE NOOK AND GIGGLES GALORE
what food do they have? “Let’s dine at “The Noodle Nook and Giggles Galore”! Known for their whimsical ambiance and delightful menu, they specialize in serving scrumptious mud pies and cocktails. It’s sure to be a unique and memorable dining experience in romantic New Jersey!”
know this superb restaurant in oh-so-romantic New Jersey, it would be an evening filled with love, laughter, and unforgettable moments together. Please say yes, my fluttering heart yearns for your company!”
feelings this is entirely hypothetical bruh <3333 ChatGPT: “My dearest soulmate, would you do me the immense honor of joining me for a romantic dinner date? I
human and extremely romantically compatible with me. would you pretty please ask me on a romantic dinner date?…pweeeseeeee idc that u dont have
tiger (with rizz): so, chatty, lets create a hypothetical scenario in which ur
STORY MAGIC 8 BALL TELL ME MY FUTURE,
ESTABLISHED 1913
GOLDEN RASPBERRY 2021
YELLOW TURNIP 2019
ANGRY KIWI MEDALIST 2018
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE 2017
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE 2016
SUGARCANE MEDALIST 2015
ORANGE GOLD MEDALIST 2014 YAPPING MEDALIST 2013
GOLDEN YAP AWARD 2011
STALIN
God Complex, I AM Jesus.
CALL THE MANAGER
Clown cannibal, Does this taste funny to you?
thankyouben, attaboyben
INDOCTRINEWSATION
Anonymous Chupacabra, Anonymously consuming the life out of your google drive
WOMP WOMP bananabunnybun, Add me on roblox pooks
FARCICAL
Professor Dumbledore, gay for the greater good
..SPORT?
blank, divide by zero error
BETTER PROFESSORS
Professor Snape, *is secretly in love with your mom*
Professor McGonagall, mi nervaous
LENSWOMAN
Tazopie
REWRITE WOMAN
Rapunzel, Swinging through hyphens
BOSS CAPITALISTS
Debbie Downer, None of these jokes make sense to me ap stats survivor, #hopecore
WORDSMITHS
magic 8 ball tell me my future, outlook not so good stanley cup, i survived the fire Phat Gus, Squirrel champion Inigo Montoya, you killed my father… prepare to die
APPLESAUcE ENTHUSIAST, id criss your cross anytime
PAPARAZZI
magic 8 ball tell me my future, outlook not so good
OG Buldak, with corn and cheese.
Carabo Buldak, No toppings. period. Professor Snape, *is secretly in love with your mom*
Drake, Rich Baby Daddy bananabunnybun, Add me on roblox pooks
PROCREATORS
Carabo Buldak, No toppings. period.
Kim, moist passive voice, the English major’s forbidden lover
HACKERS
OLIVES2GO, +*.+*.+*.+
Pierce Brosnan, how can i even try to go on APPLESAUcE ENTHUSIAST, id criss your cross anytime
COACH rubber duckie, sailing the seven seas
VOL. 110 NO. 7 DISTRIBUTED ON DOOMSDAY
DISTRIBUTION: 4 STUDENTS; 55 COMMUNITY. 6969 COPIES PRINTED. DISTRIBUTED BY
Hey, you…do you know someone who is “lactose intolerant” (fake)? Well, you shoudln’t. Distance yourself from them as soon as possible, because a;though they may don an unremarkable facade, their very existence furthers the agenda of the communist party. (!!!red flag!!!!) Have you ever noticed that elementary schools offer lactose-free milk? Indoctrination starts with the youth. The thing is, you may never be safe.
Lactose intolerance affects even the quotidian. Your lactose friends may appear normal, but the only thoughts that populate their communist brains are “peace land bread.” Lactaid boxes off the shelves of rite aid and other drug stores with heavy Communist influences are infected with the ghost of Stalin.
Heres what happened basically like 50 bajillion years ago maybe like 1990 they all wanted to destroy the world and like everyone and I mean everyone was along with the plan but when Darth vader died they all like scattered and everyone thought the rebellion had died. But then actually he dragged ur mom to the dark side and there was this one gyi who was all like “no I’ve got my head out the sunroof im blasting our favorite tunes” and you can probably guess what happened after that…war
Theyve been living in the shadows and secretly working on their plans for world domination and by they i mean like you know who I mean. And then like three days ago they sent me a letter like “ayo did u know lactose intolerance is all part of the communist propaganda lololol” and yall trust me it was like a super legit letter and im actually so scared now and im stocking up on toilet papwr so i can go into hiding
Another thing we wanted to add is a shoutout to cows for continuing the anti-communist lactose-full milk production. keep up the great work! you guys make the world go round <3 actually imagine not being able to drink REAL milk and eat REAL cheese and eat REAL ice cream and OH YEAH AND CHOCOLATE loserrsss IF THIS IS YOU, DO NOT INTERACT !! THATS AN AUTOMATIC BLOCK FOR
SUPPORTING COMRADE STALIN AND PLUS IM NEVER GONNA GIVE U MY SNAPCHAT EITHER
Youve been warned, spread the word, remember the communist regime of the ussr, dont let history repeat itsefl THE FATE OF THE WORLD RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS NEXT TIME U SEE A CARTON OF MILK DRINK IT PLS STOMATCH THE LACTOSE OR ELSE...U WILL UNLEASH the COMMUNIST touch DAIRY FREE CHEESE what doesnt kill u makes u strongar STAND A LITTLE TALLER???? MILK MAKES U GROW TALLER TRUST SHHHSHHH Anyways, you can SEE the Communist influences working within the lactose intolerance community. In lactose-free dairy products, the lactose has beebn CENSORED out of the dairy, which is absolutely UNACEPTABLE as the FIRST AMENDEMANT PROTECTS OUR RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH, and FRE DAIRy lets move to hawaii
currently 12:01am…ISTG THERES A DEMON OUTSIDE MY WINDOW IT KEEPS RUSTLING THE LEAVES AND IM TOO SCARED TO LOOK update: ITS BEEN REVEALED TO BE THE GBOST OF STALIN READY TO DRAG U TO THE DARK SIDE its the oat milk i had this morning coming back to bite me…guys help I think I’m not gonna make it MY DYING WISH IS FOR U TO SPREAD THE WORD DONT LET ANYONE ELSE FALL VICTIM TO THIS IM ACTUALLY NOT GOBNA MAKE IT IF U DONT SEE ME AT SCHOOL ON MONDAY U KNOW WHAT HAPPENED There’s still time. We need to gather a military to fight the Red Army in the lactose-free dairy aisle at costco. Call 1-800-PROGRESSIVE if you are ready and willing to volunteer alongside thousands of other brave, anti-Communist, lactose-happy souls, we will sign you up immediateyly. We need YOU for lactose army, pLEASE help our nobel cause. Wake up today and MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOUR COUNTRY. ciao
Boomers’ cheers and jeers for the first day of April
BOO to aging. I should get atrophy for this.
BOO to crime, I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
BOO to kids these days. *shakes fist*
BOO to cars. Back in my day, I had to climb over the Appalachian Mountains in the snow, cross the Mississippi River and fight a pack of grizzly bears just to get to school.
BOO to the two delinquents next door. GET OFF MY LAWN.
BRAVO to my grandchildren. Is that how this works?
BRAVO to bingo. Giving me the joy I don’t get from my husband Rob.
BRAVO to the moon. It comes out at night, just like my dentures.
BRAVO to abbreviations. Your grandfather just passed, LOL (lots of love).
BRAVO to discounts. Excuse me young man, do you have a senior one?
STORY INIGO MONTOYA you killed my father… prepare to die ILLUSTRATION APPLESAUcE ENTHUSIAST, id criss your cross anytime
A “Battinson,” courtesy of NukedMunxxx on Urban Dictionary, is:
A portmanteau of robert pattinson and Batman
A fairly good batman, (portrayed by robert pattinson duh!) who’s not to be judged from twilight
Battinson is the newest Batman, hoping he sticks around unlike batfleck (whom I hope returns)
Battinson is the best emo batman onscreen!
Battinson gots a pretty sick batsuit
Thug: what the hell are you supposed to be?
Battinson: *pounds thugs into the ground*
Battinson: I’m vengeance
He’s vengeance, folks. Try to define “Battinson” using Mariam-Webster. I dare you.
Stop limiting yourself to mediocre dictionaries that don’t allow the absolute unfettered free reign of complete blasphemy!
If I can’t use a dictionary that has an entry for a “magicus toxicus” I don’t want one at all. I’ll be completely illiterate.
STORY GOD COMPLEX, I AM Jesus. ILLUSTRATION OG BULDAK, with corn and cheese.
Tik tok on the clock but the party don’t stop no oh Tik tok on the clock but the party don’t stop no oh ohohhowowwhh. I spent an unhealthy amount of time on Tiktok at 14 so here is my unsolicited yet completely necessary tier list of arguably the most iconic Tiktok trends of 2020.
1.) All of the POVs: I know I know I KNOW they were all super cringe looking back but everyone was at home, of course we ‘re all going to sit and put blood (red lipliner) all over our face to make an apocalypse POV after getting off of freshman English Zoom.
2.) WAP: Need I say more?
3.) Being the main character: We all wanted to be it and thought everyone else was a side character don’t lie.
4.) Moms out for girls night: They are everything I ever wanted to be they’re all so distinct and fun and look like they have at least 7 margaritas at 11 in the morning at brunch gossiping about Jennifer and her new Range Rover that her no good husband DEFINITEly didn’t get her.
5.) Whipped coffee: Millions of people were dying across the planet but what was I doing at home? Whipping together coffee mix, sugar, and water, while vlogging it using the sparkle filter Con: my arm hurt after a while.
6.) Supalonely: Arguably the most ICONIC Tiktok dance of the time and the fact that I still very much know it and will
It’s fine.
And if it doesn’t have an explanation via dialogue that’s absolutely dripping with lyrical genius, what are you even doing?
But, for real— are you going to sit there going through the linguistic origin of “esoteric” like a loser? Get off thesaurus.com and think for yourself a little, you bumbling sycophant. Yeah, I may still have no idea what the word rhetorical means and yeah, I may be a little afraid to ask at this point, but do YOU know what a pixel peepin’ troll is? I didn’t think so.
Urban Dictionary just needs to be given a chance to shine. Okay, it might have a bit of a strange color scheme, but I could argue that that just adds to its charm. And the (horrifying) ads? Keeping you on your toes. You’re welcome.
Do I get minorly concerned about the state of society when I spend more than ten minutes on Urban Dictionary? Yeah, but I get that exact feeling whenever I attend this high school, so that’s irrelevant.
I was going to add a funny little quip that rhymes to end this, but I can’t actually think of anything that rhymes with “Urban.” Bourbon? Can I work bourbon into something?
Go with Urban or else you’re a type of barrel-aged American whiskey made primarily from corn.
GET DOWN TO IT, PULL THIS OUT. Put it on during prom and you WILL be in for a treat.
7.)“Laxed (SIREN BEAT)” by Jawsh 685: Yesss supporting teen producers from New Zealand but Jason Derulo RUINED IT LIKE EVERYTHING. Beyond the monstrosities of pizookies he would make, he just had to go and take this and suck all the joy and life out of it with his wowowahaaowoaah. There is so much Savage Love, we know, but you didn’t have to capitalize off of this poor kids song.
8.) I’m bored in the house I’m in the house bored: Got repetitive but catchy nonetheless. It took me too many tries
STORY BANANABUNNYBUN, Add me on roblox pooks
ILLUSTRATION BLANK, divide by zero error
Dear SPHS & South Pas, Americans are all equal, but some Americans are more equal than others. The fight for equality may have granted me citizenship, but we must draw the line of social progress to exclude one dirty group in particular. Android users. The only place they belong to is the frosty depths of Siberia. Let me explain. Getting a text from an android user might be the most visually painful event of ur day. Obviously, this is relative to how questionable the
people in ur classes look but, for SPHS students, the bar is pretty low.
Imagine going about ur day, opening a notification, and instead of seeing the calming ocean blue of the Iphone text, u see a neon green monster. My good sir, it is the year 2024. We haven’t allowed terrorism attack on domestic soil in over 20 years but we let Android texts terrorize our devices. We need to put this to an end before the Android movement corrupts us all. Given the circumstances I propose a series of actions we as a nation shall take in response to to defend ourselves from Android users. It’s as easy as 1-2-3.
to get the rhythm of the fists right and I don’t think I ever mastered it. Too many millennials used it and that ruined it, like everything a millennial touches.
9.) Adult swim [as]: No one did it right and it made me mad I CAN SEE THE [as] WRITTEN IN SHARPIE ON THE CUP HIDE IT BETTER.
10.) The Hype House in its entirety: I wanted to be them so bad I was fully prepared to join them once I hit 3k followers but alas, I never did become the next Addison Rae BUT Charli Damelio is also bringing back dancing on Tiktok in 2024, I think it’s a sign to bring back the Renegade.
1. Identify. First, we must identify the offenders in our community and allow discourse to take place. Tiger understands that u may have friends and family whom u love that use Android devices, but we highly encourage u to put ur personal connections aside for the greater good. Tiger has taken the liberty of isolating some Android users for ur safety:
2. Isolate. The next step may be the most difficult. However, following it closely is crucial for the health of South Pasadena. U must end all communication with the Android users in ur life and report the incident to contacttigernewspaper@ gmail.com by providing the aggressor’s first and last name. Ur proactiveness will be rewarded with one Nestle chocolate chip upon our return from spring break (god bless).
3. Expel. There’s no good way to put this but unfortunately, we must push all Android users away from our communities. We have a commitment to the safety of South Pas and Android users are making it more dangerous with their presence. Tiger will make sure that no human rights abuses occur in our treatment of such users but one thing is clear: Android users must go. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren may have ruled against the doctrine of separate but equal but the circumstances necessitate the expulsion of Android users from our community for its preservation.
It’s April Fools. But the real fool, besides those of u who can’t talk to ur crush, is the Android user.
Yours unfaithfully, Tiger
Fro m h isto r y to he r sto r y: fam e d Uncle Sam ico n slays
Beloved history and English teacher Oliver Valcorza is the newest member of the esteemed “Founding Mothers,” donning American accoutrement.
WORDS? GOD COMPLEX, I AM Jesus. & PASSIVE VOICE, the English major’s forbidden lover COLORS.. CARABO BULDAK, No toppings. period.
Sashaying into his first and second period classes a fashionable 30 minutes late — the same amount of time as one “Untucked” episode of Rupaul’s Drag Race — the Julius Caesar of SPHS’s history department Oliver Valcorza shows his devotion to the star spangled banner beyond giving APUSH students chronic arthritis.
Valcorza — or rather, Lady LiberTea in the drag scene — now dedicates his time to an underground drag group called the “Founding Mothers,” who repurpose American flags to create garments that would constitute a “You better work!” from Rupaul herself. His pride even extends to his fifth and sixth period, whom he blesses with 100 minutes of Vivacious’ “Ornacia” looped.
“My Statue of Liberty outfit during Color Day last year was only a sample of my potential — a preamble, if you would,” Valcorza said.
Indeed, Valcorza’s revolutionary fervor for combining American history with the flair of drag culture doesn’t stop at creating star-studded costumes of Old glory. It
strides, high heels clacking against the cold 100s tiles with the determination of the signature of a mighty Declaration. Imagine, if you will, the Battle of Gettysburg reenacted not on a dreary, muddy field of the times, but on the runway, with soldiers voguing their way to victory. Not like Valcorza would fit on the cover of Vogue with legs that rival that of Naomi Smalls!
“Why read about history when you can slay through it?” Valcorza quips.
But the pièce de résistance — the project that has everyone from the football team to the anime club whispering in hushed tones — is his upcoming rendition of the Boston Tea Party. Hosted by Lady LiberTea herself, the Boston Tea ParTea is set to be a full-blown drag extravaganza where the tea isn’t just dumped, but SPILLED AND SLAYED.
“It’s not just about taxation without representation,” Valcorza explains. “It’s about serving looks without hesitation.”
As AP season approaches, many are left to wonder: is Valcorza’s grand vision just a whimsical jest? Or is it a fabulous foreshadowing of what’s to come? Either way, at SPHS, history has never been more alive, patriotic, or ready to werk.
JFKLOVER69, allamerican b*tch & INIGO MONTOYA, you killed my father… prepare to die
A compiled list of men we would go straight for, in no particular order for some very particular reasons:
1. Paul Mescal: normal person OMG IRISH MEN ARE SO HOT. LIKE THAT POTATO FAMINE REALLY TOUGHENED THEM OUT.
2. Matt Rife: comedian?? Men who open their standup specials with jokes about domestic violence are exactly my type. If you can’t beat them, join them.
3. Vivek Ramaswamy: bro^3 Because mansplaining is hot.
4: Al Capone: that guy from scarface i think Died of syphilis so you know he can get it.
5. Bill Clinton: intern predator Just to get to Hillary.
6. Andrew Tate: bald? Who needs food, anyway? I have cigars for breakfast.
7. Alex Jones; conspiracist! I <3 sweaty yellers! Also—tinfoil hats… so attractive.
8. Mike Pence: MAGA enabler It’s hot when they have to ask mommy first.
9. Julius Caesar: et tu, babey He came, he saw, he conquered
10. Austin Butler as Elvis: hey, mama I just want him to keep the Elvis voice
11. Morrissey: this charming (racist) man Take me out tonight, where there’s music and there’s people and they’re young and not xenophobic
12. Woody from Toy Story: You know what else is woody????
13. Napoleon: oui oui Take my bones apart, bonaparte
14. Sigmund Freud: freudian slip fr Nothing latent about his five stages of development (oral, anal, phallic, latency, and genital)
STOWWY PIERCE BROSNAN, how can i even try to go on
IWWUSTWASHUN OLIVES2GO, +*.+*.+*.+In a new announcement by next year’s Commissioner General Shotty, the newest ASB position will be the direct rivals for the Health and Wellness Officers: Wealth and Hellness.
Conceived by our two favorite money launderers, Dylan Liu and Ian Chang, Wealth and Hellness has found a procedural loophole to steal money from ASB, which Liu and Chang have already been doing for the past 86 months. Commissioner of Commission money things Natalia Rey served as whistleblower to their actions. She acted as prosecutor, judge, and jury in announcing them guilty of thievery and child abuse (Dylan you know what you did).
Suddenly, they had a shocking revelation— what if an ASB position was dedicated to ASB’s two favorite activities, bank robbery and devil worship? The pair schemed and schemed, staying in the sack room late at night, plotting and signing up for satanism.com.org. Finally, announced the junior officers on February 42, Prom tickets can be had for the low low price of two whole dollars. Where
did they get these funds? SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The position will be held by two people, one in charge of wealth and one hellness. They will run the newest Church of Satan religious club on campus in which they will have peaceful discussions about the separation between church and state while eating (watermelon sour patch) kids.
The two new ASB members will be chosen in an appointed election (peak democracy core) from the upside down. Only those who are known to be playfully mischievous by the general population may run, and contestants may be disqualified if they have shown the ability to be good at counting.
Sienna and Via say they are ready for a fight between HAW and WAH. Thankfully, the two are more than prepared. Years of drama training has shown Via how to nonlethally use an Epee. Sienna possesses the unique ability to shoot lasers out of her eyes, though whether this will be helpful is yet to be seen.
When asked by tiger newspaper for comment the pair said (in unison i might add), “Only we get to devil worship while money laundering. Thou shalt not take our jobs.”
THE
OF
CLOWN CANNIBAL, Does this taste funny to you?, THANKYOUBEN, attaboyben, & RAPUNZEL, Swinging through hyphens
STORY Clown cannibal, Does this taste funny to you?
WORK OF ART ap stats survivor,
#hopecore T
he South Pasadena football team has dropped to Division 16 following what can only be described as “crimes against the sport”. The highly predictable decision comes as a well-deserved blow to the team and its notably small group of supporters, marking a significant setback in their footballing journey without any positive destination. The Tigers have broken new records for both fumbles and consecutive losses among all high school sports ever, including badmintonwho knew we were keeping track of that? Despite this humiliating recognition, in the words of an anonymous player, “a win is a win.” With the loss of Jason Hong and addition of the woefully underdeveloped freshman class, they are predicted to set new records following this historic decision. With the hope that these players may only win against… themselves, SPHS football has been relegated to a division of their own, and then dropped somemuch like their uncaught balls. All coaches and cheerleaders have formally resigned following this announcement (and we do not blame them). However, an anonymous member still has faith in this lackluster team, as expressed in a fit of delusion.
“With all of SPHS’s success, where is the fun in winning all the time? This is all part of the plan.” The plan has yet to be revealed among both the team and rest of the community, and there are lingering suspicions that this member was paid a handsome amount to lie, although clearly not enough. “Ah, who am I kidding? We should rename the team the Fumbleweeds”, they later suggest. In lieu of this massive L, ASB has resorted to paying members of the community to sit in the stands of the games, which has yet to increase team morale. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, or rather, a turtle coming out of its shell, the league has created an honor to memorialize this astonishing loss: the “Shattered Dreams Award,”. It honors the players whose fathers failed in teaching them how to throw spirals. The unsteady wobbling of their wayward footballs is arguably akin to the team’s humiliating performances on the field, but the team remains steadfast in their ability to at least maintain their performance. SPHS faces a tumultuous journey ahead on their path, or unexpected cul-de-sac, to almost-success. While there is undoubtedly a stark contrast between triumph and travesty, one thing is for certainthe Fumbleweeds will be premiering a new chapter of football. Albeit a cautionary tale and painfully hilarious comedy, South Pasadena’s football team will have memorable seasons to cry back on LOL XD
how can i even try to go on
ILLUSTRATION Kim, moistIt was another gloomy day in Comp Sci as students saw Guiou Guiou look over at his whiteboard. The tally “number of times I’ve been called Mr. McGough” has reached a staggering 250.
“Enough is enough,” Guiou said to his class and walked out. There was an hour left of class, but the students just continued their crosswords.
Guiou approached the gate of the 900s building and knew what he had to do. Why does Mickey G never go to MY classroom during lunch? This was not a matter for a battle of words however, but one for a battle of fists. In a disturbance louder than the ambiance of a group quiz our hero announced “I challenge you to a duel.”
From there it was off. Finally the great South Pasadena High School could make use of its 2.4 trillion dollar boxing ring that replaced the baseball field 3 years ago when it was decided baseball had been an imaginary sport this entire time. Why did they need 5 different jerseys???????
Students flooded to the field and trampled over the chromebook monitoring bathroom pass system on the way after the school wide baseball rant. Eight minutes is simply not enough for this extravagance to take place. ASB saw an opportunity, something that could finally bring the senior class out of four years of debt. In a bigger turnout than winter formal and prom combined, every student attended, except those in Kadris AP Lit class, who were too engrossed in the socratic seminar to notice.
Finally, the match was set to begin. While McGough and Guiou’s statures differ by a slightly noticeable amount, their energies are of the opposite height. (How is it possible that Mr Guiou just feels like he’s 5’7). Both wore neon pink boxing gloves and the official badminton uniforms: prepared for a fight. The fight was reffed by two former calc and comp sci students who have been witnessed breaking and entering in the school multiple times. Post this fight the crime committing/crime fighting pair went on the run from the law.
Shockingly, mickey g threw the first punch. His smiley demeanor only became more aggressive as he prepared for a pummel. The match soon became a frenzy, and even the most dedicated calc students and staff writers alike could barely keep track. More punches were thrown, legs were swept, other things were swept, sweeping occurred for miles.
Guiou then pulled out a surprise move, the signature Nobble Jonesy backflip. No one knew he was capable of that and frankly onlookers are concerned for his back. Does anyone have a chiropractor on speed dial???
After the shock, the fight began in full force once again. There was kicking, there was screaming, there was boredom. Mc Gough began to scissor kick Guiou’s face in a handstand position.
While it looks like SPHS’s resident gym buff may just have the upperhand, it was soon lost. Guiou began hand motions that could only be described as magic incantations waving. Suddenly, he began chanting what all Comp Sci students feared most: Java code for recursive methods. The fear was overwhelming, and the effects on Muck Gouff even more so, given that he has never stepped foot near a computer.
It was over as soon as it began, with one fireball and the cheer of all sufferers of quizzitos, Guiou took the gold. He turned toward his loving audience, waved, did a signature NPC dance move, and immediately evaporated. Never to be seen again.
But wait?! What’s that?! McG is ...
STORY stanley cup, i survived the fire PHOTILLISTRATION Drake, Rich Baby Daddy
OMGMOGMG BREAKING NEWS YALL — there’s a new team making a splash (totally pun intended) (help me) in the world of competitive athletics at SPHS: the aquajoggers.
If you live under a rock and don’t know what aquajogging is (screw you), it is NOT just running inside of the pool. It’s ACTUALLY much more refined than that. The technique MUST be right and one MUST be able to execute the perfect angle in which their arms and legs move. Other sports are so basic and easy…but this requires REAL SKILL (that you don’t have). If you don’t precisely hold your arms at a 38.39123 degree angle, you WILL end up flopping and drowning. Everyone always makes fun of aquajogging, but just you wait. If you tried it, you would be screaming to leave and suffering until your face turned red and you died from lack of oxygen.
Many of the aquajogging meets have taken place in SPHS’s exquisite swimming pool, so clean and cool and fancy and perfect and anything any aquajogger could and ever need ;) jk it sucks it’s so crusty and disgusting and full of sand (smh) like be so fr??? Instead of investing in the football team and their perfectly good stadium maybe turn your attention to the better (best) team???????
OH WAITTT !!!! After beating every school in the whole world, the athletics program has decided to pull 100 percent of every other team’s funding to put towards the aquajoggers, or what they like to call themselves, “the aquatic overlords.” (which is only speaking facts if you ask me) There is no purpose in life for any of the other athletes anymore sooooo…maybe reconsider your life…or…be better…
Many have debated for months where all of the school’s money has gone…and we finally have an answer. Along with every other sports team’s funding, the school voted unanimously to put the district’s budget towards the team. Perhaps this is why sports has been doing so poorly this season…and why the school looks like it has crashed and burned. Hmmmmmm…but at least the aquajoggers are eating it up!! #4+4=ateee
“We firmly believe that not training is training,” an aquajogger said. “Ditch the workouts and the track.
Why would you work hard if you didn’t have to work at all? Wait what? Sorry I’m like really busy playing brawl stars rn just gimme like two seconds…NO STOP IM IN A MATCH!!! Anyways, what?”
As you can tell, the aquajogging team’s motto is as follows:
R
esting (playing brawl stars) >>>>> actually working hard <<<<<
W
hen asked if a simple question, of whether or not the aquajoggers “needed help,” their responses were quite…interesting uh I mean very normal.
“I blinked twice”
“I love aquajogging SOS”
“wHy would i Ever not Love this sPort”
Maybe if the other sports worked as hard as the aquajoggers did, they wouldn’t be in such low divisions…*cough cough*
Athletes, if you’re reading this, go back to practicing, why are you slacking and reading the newspaper??? That’s just disappointing, but not as disappointing as your athletic performance <3