April Fools 2014

Space shuttle falls, new prom site selected

By Ms Talwarts Co-Propaganda Editor

Chandraguptadehlimeatpiscinepatel Smith

Generalissimo Terenzio Dunn addresses the public on new policies at a post-GQ press confrence. Although he did ask for questions, he refused to acknoledge or respond to them.

Martial law declared on campus

By Dr. Richard Norton Co-Propaganda Editor Generalissimo Terenzio Dunn declared martial law on the South Pasadena High School campus effective Friday, March 28, a decree that will apply to all students within 500 yards of school borders. The new policy includes an extension of the 20 minute rule to 50 minutes for students wishing to use the restroom, a ban on all club events and gatherings of any kind, and a mandatory eight-period schedule for all seniors.

Dunn, known to be a stalwart supporter of school security, made the decision as a response

to yesterday’s attempted coup led by the San Marino-supported social studies department.

“During this period of crisis and conflict against the San Marino menace, it is imperative that we maintain internal solidarity,” Dunn said. “I can assure all students and parents that the integrity, academic culture, and absolute absence of dissent at SPHS will be maintained at any cost.”

Dunn reaffirmed his agenda of sweeping reforms that include last week’s cancellation of late starts and the revocation of senior privilege cards. Dunn also announced plans to gradually reduce food and water rations over the next few weeks and to take

control of the aquaponics garden for military use.

With regards to the continued war against San Marino, Dunn announced yet another victory on the front with the decisive capture of Huntington Middle School and expects to advance on Crowell Public Library within the next few days. A fresh battalion of volunteers will also be sent to bolster the southern flank against the Moorish marauders from Alhambra.

Administration continues to remind students that anyone found wandering on campus during times other than brunch and lunch will be terminated on sight Chandraguptadehlimeatpiscinepatel Smith

by Tiger Links enforcers.

Students practice outside Target in preparation for the big night.

Bye Tigers- Go SPHS sloths!

By Shine Cho Jr. #photocreds Editor The South Pasadena High School administration announced the sloth as the new school mascot on Monday, March 23.

Sloths are extremely slow-moving animals found in the rainforest of Central and South America. Their popularity has been overwhelming the last couple of years.

After a long discussion between the school and the dis-

trict, SPHS made the decision to follow the trend and change its mascot to a sloth. Furthermore, it is planned that there will be a couple of pet sloths around the campus beginning next semester.

“We believe that the sloth is undoubtedly the best representation of our school’s values. Its deep, round eyes resemble our students’ kind eyes, and its slow movement resembles our students relaxed personalities,” Anderson said. “There’s no doubt the students will be delighted to watch the sloths around the campus.”

Shine Cho Jr.

The new SPHS sloths practice their football skills. Hopefully they will be able to teach something to the varsity team.

Shortly after the GQ Assembly on Friday, March 14, where the California Science Center was announced as the 2014 prom site, the Endeavour Space Shuttle was found cut from its harness. Although no one has been charged for the crime, police have reason to believe that it was an upset senior.

The junior class officers, with little time to spare, were able to find an alternate location. The upcoming prom will be held at the Target store in Alhambra. It was reported that more excitement was shown for the new decision.

Due to the alternate location, a new dress code has been placed on the event. All attendees must wear the traditional Target red and khaki. For the first time, freshman

and sophomores will be invited to the event to provide transportation to and from departments for the upperclassmen via red carts. It has also been announced that the lucky girl crowned Prom Queen will pose front page for this week’s Target ad.

Dinner will still be provided.

Now the sit down meal will be catered by Pizza Hut and all beverages served by Starbucks. Bullseye, the Target dog, will be the drugsniffing canine for the evening instead of the usual South Pasadena Police dog.

A relaxation area as well as a place to sit and chat will be offered in the patio furniture department. The junior class officers ask that any song requests be registered at www.target.com. Expect more, pay less.

Although the tiger was quite nice, the students are excited to welcome the new mascot.

ASB will be starting fundraisers to raise money for adopting the pet sloths. The administration is also considering a reconstruction of the school to make it a friendlier environment for sloths.

When it is approved, the planned reconstruction will begin in midMay. The campus will be planting more trees, enough for the sloths to be able to climb from one to another without having to ever come down. It may be a little inconvenient to walk around, but the administration concluded that it is extremely important to make it feel like home for the sloths.The orange walls will be repainted to nature-like colors, such as green and brown.

“This is the best decision South Pasadena High School has made ever,” sophomore president Christina Valdivia said.

“The sloth is definitely my ideal mascot.”

When Anderson visited the sloths they said, “This is so excting, it is the best thing that has ever happened to us since we were named the slowest animal on earth!”

Asher pursues career in construction

By Mrbigwang.123 Self Employed Apart from being wellversed in Neo-Platonist philosophy, varsity tennis strategy, and English literature from Shakespearean poetry to Edwardian prose, English Department Chair Mr. Jim Asher is also a master builder and architect – not to mention a really swell guy!

Asher had humble beginnings in the construction industry.

He built his first creation, a statue of “Thomas the Train Engine” at the age of three with only two hands. Not three, not one – two!

Amazing. Since then, his passion for blending cement, wood, steel, Legos, Bionicle parts, and raw skill into timeless works of architectural grandeur has inspired millions across the globe and galaxy.

The single, most remarkable factor that separates Asher’s creations from that of other greats, including Frank Lloyd Wright, Michelangelo, Le Corbusier, and Mr.BigWang123, among others, is his small, yet salient addition of untainted love to everything he builds.

“First, I create love by combining the warmth of my heart and the smiles of students,” Asher said while expertly crafting a sustainable toilet. “Then, I blend the love into a delicate powder. By Jove, it is a beautiful sight to see.

Finally, when all that is done, I sprinkle the love onto my creation and magic ensues.”

Asher is currently working on a cottage that, rumor has it, will be able to house three hundred mighty elephants alongside thirteen corgis. Although the project in still in the works, those who have seen it have all cried over its sheer beauty.

“I could hardly stop crying when I first cruised by,” said Thomas the Train Engine, wiping the tears off his steam generator. “It was so darn beautiful.

You know the feeling that you get when the sun rises up and in the horizon, a majestic stallion gallops by with its hair flowing in the wind, and at the same time, you’re enjoying your favorite flavor of ice cream served in a cone of magical rainbows and smiles? That’s exactly how I felt.”

2

호랑이 신문 - April Fools DAY 2014

Propaganda

PROPAGANDA

Around The Gulag

험 프티 덤프 티는 벽에, 험 프티 덤프 티가 큰 가 을했다 앉았다. 왕의 말과 모든 왕의 남자 모두가 함께 다시 프티를 넣을 수 없습니다. / 구글 번역

Something may have happened By not Mario Shapiro Editor Propaganda Department

Shine Cho Jr.

Mr. Joshua Whitney basks in the heavenly glow of the cosmos, beaming with ecstatic delight after his epiphany.

Whitney reaches enlightenment

By Mario Ruoppolo Il Postino South Pasadena High School teacher Mr. Joshua Whitney achieved enlightenment in the middle of a lesson for his Spanish 5/6 Honors class on Wednesday, March 26.

Whitney, who is well-known for his longtime pursuit of nirvana, finally attained spiritual oneness with the eternal flow of the universe during a lecture on Ecuadorian mythology.

“I’ve spent much of my life searching for answers, especially those related to who we are and why we are here,” Whitney said.

Years of meditation, yoga, and quiet introspection finally paid off on Wednesday, when the mysteries of life, death, and all else were revealed to him by what observers described as the disembodied head of a goat.

“Now that I have reached this stage of personal development, everything is clear to me.

It all makes sense now,” Whitney said as reporters basked in the light of his heavenly aura.

“Never before have I understood so much and felt so at peace.”

Whitney’s attainment of

enlightenment makes him one of few humans to ever reach it, placing him in the category of individuals such as Gandalf the Grey, Mahatma Gandhi, and environmental science teacher Mr. Don Wielenga. His achievement transcends the highest known level of Spiral Dynamics, the system of human developmental analysis Whitney once explained to his sixth period class.

“I always thought Mr. Whitney was cool, but I honestly never expected him to reach the pinnacle of human intellectual and emotional capacity,” said sixth period student and event witness Julius Lam. “Especially not in class. I definitely didn’t see the goat head coming.”

Though Whitney expressed the strong desire to share his wisdom with the rest of SPHS, he feels he must first take time off to ruminate on why he was chosen by the cosmos. Whitney will travel to Tibet during Spring Break to discuss his newfound spiritual state with the Dalai Lama, a fellow enlightened individual.

As of press time, Whitney had begun levitating as the sky opened up to accept its new prophet.

Sources possibly confirm that, at some point in time, something, somewhere, happened.

The incident somehow affected a certain number of people in a specific area. Additionally, some parties have expressed particular emotions about the event and are in the process of acting on it in some way.

“There may be confirmation that something somewhere along the line occurred, and people might respond to it,” a spokesperson for a group could have said.

“The bottom line is that stuff happened, and the appropriate people are doing the appropriate things in response to the situation.”

The event was believed to have been caused by the actions of an indeterminate number of participants, either animate or inanimate, doing an activity leading to some kind of consequence. Others have proposed the possibility of a different number of participants doing a different kind of activity resulting in the occurrence.

This is sure to possibly have far-reaching effects on the affected party or parties as they consider responding to this either heartbreaking or heart-rending event.

“I’m partially convinced that I feel emotions with regard to this happening,” a relevant person possibly said. “I may be somewhere between anger, anxiety, amusement, alarm, aversion, alacrity, apathy, and affection, and also

a bit of ambiguity.”

Other groups in the general vicinity have also expressed a number of varying thoughts regarding the possibility of a future similar happening.

“Personally, I believe that it is somewhat necessary to undergo a certain type of action to address the issue that we are addressing,” a person belonging to that group might have said. “Without somehow undergoing the changes that I think I proposed, another type of incident that is possibly either unfavorable or favorable may potentially occur.”

In response to the situation, the involved group may be attempting to outline its plans to deal with the event. But then again, perhaps not.

Elliot Davis chosen for joint work for South Pasadena schools

By Slave Re: Shine Elliot Davis may have lost the vote to be GQ king but he emerged as the big winner from the episode as he was appointed students spokesperson for the South Pasadena School District.

Principal Janet Anderson made the appointment after Davis’ speaking engagement at the GQ assembly, in which he stunned the audience with his oratory skills.

“Elliot is exactly the type of boy we want as the face of this district,” Anderson said. “He’s blunt and a real straight arrow.”

Davis will be available to speak any time except Saturday morning when he will be busy at South Pasadena High. He has been contracted for a year, with a salary of $35 per month.

“I just try to speak honestly and with maturity,” Davis said. “I’ve got some great ideas already but I’m going to try and keep them under the sheets

for now .”

Davis is best known for his environmental work and his experience with the school’s aquaponic plant system. He intends to continue his agricultural success when he heads to Lewis and Clark in the fall. He expects to be one of the most prolific collared green suppliers in the northwest.

Davis ended the interview early because he was searching for something to munch on.

“I’m hungry to get started,” Davis said.

Girl falls in restroom

By Garry Jerry Larry Gergich Gengurch Dept. of Parks and Recreation Senior Katie Donovan was taken to the Huntington Memorial Hospital on Monday after slipping in the girl’s restroom at South Pasadena High School.

Donovan was in the 500’s building restroom at lunch, and as she was entering the large corner stall, she slipped and fell in a puddle of

human guano in front of the toilet.

Donovan’s friend, senior Corinne Marangi, who was also in the bathroom heard her fall and ran to get a teacher’s help. The teacher called an ambulance and Donovan was taken to the hospital.

“Katie broke her hip from that fall and has to wear a full body cast for six weeks, which will mess up her exercise regime,” said Marangi

This is the third time someone has slipped on feces in the girl’s bathroom, but is only the first reported injury.

Next year’s health curriculum will include bathroom and fecal safety procedures.

“I hope people will learn from my fall and be more careful in the bathroom because puddles of poop are more dangerous than you may think,” Donovan said.

Regan’s beard saves the world

By Sean Regan Staff Communist Beard South Pasadena High School history teacher Sean “Pumpkin Pie” Regan debuted the newest edition to his chaotic room: a beard.

The furry red monster simply sprouted out of his face, and no one in any of his class is willing to acknowledge the elephant-erm, the chinchilla-in Room 123.

“They gave me Room 123 because that’s as high as I can count,” Regan said.

Reegy-reegs’ students are just as terrified of his beard as they are of his jokes.

“It’s not safe in his classroom anymore. No one ever paid atten-

tion in class anyway, but now we literally just stare at his beard. When he talks, it looks like it’s alive,” junior Marion Wood said.

However, the visual atrocity serves a higher purpose: for Old Man Seeeen’s Save the World Project, he has utilized the storing capabilities of his facial fur to feed the hungry. Every week, he goes to local feed shelters and shakes out the granola, yogurt, and leftover foodstuffs from his mini fridge into the mouths of the starving.

The crumbs that don’t get shaken out aren’t wasted either; the small creatures that live in Shawn’s facial habitat can testify.

“I want yogurt, I want chicken, I want your mom’s turkey lasa-

gna,” the thousands of microorganisms said in unison.

The relationship between Sweater Vest Sean and the lil critters is symbiotic; he provides them with food, and they provide him with much needed company, since his wife kicked him out of the house and his children refuse to be seen with him.

“I caught him talking to his beard once during 7th period once,” sophomore Lily Round said.

Those brave enough to witness the monstrosity are invited to pay a visit to Regan’s room at anytime, day or night; he’ll be there, alone, talking to his mysteriously red, terrifying, and surprisingly useful beard.

Walter White

Mr. Sean Regan ensures that his well-crafted beard is always equipped with accessories for every possible situation.

You’re only here for the boos and bravos

April FoolS Day 2014 - 호랑이 신문

3

You’re only here for the

Boos and Bravos B B B

ravo to April Fools, fool. We should rename it April You Day.

to the rain yesterday. #TorrentialDownpour

oo

ravo to Mr. Valcorza. You’re always so fashionably late. Gucci Gucci Louis Louis Fendi Fendi Prada, basic teachers wear that stuff so we don’t even bother.

By Crystabel Riley Staff Groupie + Shade Thrower

B

oo to Remeny White for being way too cool for school. #weh8rem #jk #canibeyou #omgloveme #ursopretty

B

ravo

MEN NEEDS RIGHTZ 2!!!!1!!11!!

to all of you who only read

호랑이 신문 for this box. Hope it was

worth it.

B B

to homework. Am I right or am I right?

oo

oo

to Gucci Mane’s prison sentence.

호랑이 신문 Established 2014

CSPA Transition Metalist 2005 CSPA Calcium Metalist 2006 CSPA Lithium Metalist 2009 CSPA Copper Metalist 2010 CSPA Zinc Metalist 2011 CSPA Aluminum Metalist 2013 Editor-in-Chef Gordon Ramsay Managing Beaker Breaker Pean Dapadakis Managing a Burger Chain Ronald McDonald Duck Propaganda Ms Talwarts, Co-Editor Dr. Richard Norton, Co-Editor The Leftovers But I’m Clean, Editor You’re Only Here For Boos and Bravos David Yang 2.0, Editor Swag Don’t Come Cheap #kabealostudios, Co-Editor Shults2, Co-Editor Grammar Nazis Jenangernanger, So Excited Coachella Fan Gurl #photocreds editor Shine Cho Jr., Editor #photocreds Chandraguptadehlimeatpiscinepatel Smith, Cosmo Kramer, ObeyyyyCarlitosxP, Sacey Chotwell, Walter White Senior Staff Communist Sean Regan The Expendables Crystabel Riley, Dale Cooper, Jesse Pinkman, Karnedict Cumbercookie, Mario Ruoppolo, mrbigwang.123, Nike Worker, Not Asa Goldwoman, not Joey Shapiro, Slave, Sleepy, TyRa banks, Wig Vendor of Hell, Cinderblock So Sketch dapeacepup, Steve Brule, eatabananie Backdoor Handlers Oprah Degeneres, Get d@t Money Garry Jerry Larry Gergich Gengurch, Dept. of Parks and Recreation N/A Mr. Mutton Faculty Advisor Mike Hogan

호랑이 신문 is a special April Fools Day humor edition produced by the advanced journalism newspaper class at South Pasadena High School, 1401 Fremont Ave, South Pasadena, CA 91030. Publications office: (626) 441-5820 ext. 2615. Layout and photo imaging are completed on-site.

Printed by American/Foothill Publishing Co., Inc., Tujunga, CA. 호랑이 신문 is intended entirely for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the views of the staff, student body, faculty or administration of SPHS.

Cinderblock

Ronald McDonald Duck

Common core ab workouts Staff Editorial Award-winning intergalactic fitness trainer Mr.BigWang123 here with the newest addition to the work-out series that has all of California going wackadabadoopewpew: introducing the Common Core Abs DVD, also available on MySpace!

Yo, let me give you a taste of some sensational workouts that are guaranteed to make your abdominals as strong as a refrigerator – stocked with fresh bananas and plenty of raw protein – that has been coated three hundred times with titanium. Lie down on the floor with your hips perpendicular to the ceiling and your arms flexing as much as humanly possible. Put on an OBEY hat, put on your biggest, brightest smile, and try to lift both your legs up at the same time.

Keep lifting them until they reach the ceiling – that’s one!

How are those muscles feeling?

Exhilarating, huh? Yo, check this out. You can find this top-notch workout, along with 3000 other fun and friendly exercises, including the “Chunky Chicken,” “Señor Beef,” and “Mr. Potato,” on the limitededition DVD. Get your copy today for just fifteen payments of $19.99.

But wait, there’s more! If you buy two copies, you will be entered into a drawing to win a free ice cream cone, made with real corn! It doesn’t get any sweeter than that!

But wait, there’s even more than that! If you buy three copies, you will be given a free trip to Mr.BigWang123’s award-winning Intergalactic Gym, complete with state-ofthe-art shake weights and enough muscle to build five – dare I say six – towers of sheer strength.

Yo, don’t miss out on this once-ina-lifetime opportunity to transform your abdominals from like a six to maybe a seven or eight, assuming six is decently strong and eight is pretty darn strong. You won’t regret it. That’s a promise, and award-winning intergalactic fitness trainer Mr.BigWang123 ain’t never gonna break a promise.

This article ain’t done yet! Yo, awardwinning intergalactic Mr.BigWang123 needs the help of his fans. I want y’all homies to know about a special limited-time offer I got going. Yo, check this out. I’m trying to start an award-winning intergalactic restaurant but I need seventeen of the world’s most muscular weighters. Yo, if you’re interested, pump iron fifteen times a day, wear an OBEY hat, and purchase my DVD. And yo, by the way, y’all know about my awardwinning intergalactic book? It’s called Mr. BigWang123’s Muscle Madness. Yo, check this out. It’s got more exercises than I can lift.

Yo, please help me out. Being selfemployed is hard.

I spent International Women’s Day slumped on the sofa watching My Little Pony, eating Doritos, and scrolling down Reddit for five hours—in other words, it was a normal day. It was while I was going past all these posts about female empowerment that I had an epiphany… where is the support system for us men? Who’s there to defend us when reverse sexism occurs?

Take a romantic relationship. I can’t say this from personal experience, because no woman has actually agreed to go on a date with me.

But say a girl actually did. Then you can be sure that I would have to pay for the meal. Can you feel your pockets getting lighter, dudes? Because I sure can, and I can’t think of anything more problematic in society. Don’t stand for this horrible unfairness!

As a proud Brony it is so difficult for me to embrace my love for Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash in public because I am often ridiculed for my “ignorance.” And my fedoras. Sometimes I’m even called a loser, which I find really offensive. Men’s rights activists find it very difficult to make their voices heard over the feminists who shout “equality” when they really mean “let’s kill all males and banish them to the fiery pits of hell!”

The /~theory of rape culture~/ is creating a dangerously hostile environment for men who just want to have a little fun. Not all guys are like that! Making those assumptions totally oppresses us now. And let’s go back to the real injustice, which is the fact that nice guys finish last— a.k.a. the reason I don’t have a girlfriend. What’s the point of being gentlemanly towards a girl if I don’t get to make out with her at some point?

I suffer so much in the friendzone; meanwhile, my girl rides off into the sunset on the back of a motorcycle, clinging to some dude in douchebag shades and a leather jacket. Life really isn’t fair!

There’s another side to a lot of the statistics that preach discrimination of women. Yeah, maybe they are paid less in the workplace, but I bet more women have jobs these days. I blame that on girls performing better than boys, on average, in all levels of school—SMH, I guess inequality begins with the kindergarteners. Thanks a lot, matriarchy!

Why can’t I just get laid without being discriminated against! The shame! The degradation! WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!!!!!! Gender roles are totally rad! Misandry is real! Stop feminism before it’s too late and males become the scum of society.

Comic sans, sans the sarcasm

By not Joey Shapiro Unconcerned citizen

Helvetica, Times New Roman, and Arial. All of these typefaces are respectable and attractive, and staples of business writing.

However, they also lack that fundamental quality that will set one writer apart from the next: fun.

The solution to this problem is Comic Sans.

Comic Sans inspires in a read-

er a sense of vitality as their eyes travel across its elegant curves, a sensation that cannot be replicated by any other font. In addition to this, Comic Sans gives the impression that a writer is capable of enjoying themselves, a quality desirable in any job position. Instead of writing resumés or applications in a boring old Times New Roman, one can use Comic Sans to demonstrate their fun-loving and amusing qualities to a potential employer.

Detractors of the illustrious Comic Sans claim that it is “silly” and “unprofessional,” but these ridiculous, libelous drawbacks are compensated for by the undeniable benefits that the font has over its dull counterparts. Though somewhat looked down upon by those who have not yet seen the light, Comic Sans will inevitably rise in popularity as people come to realize its grand superiority over all other weak fonts.

4

호랑이 신문 - April Fools Day 2014

You’re only here for the boos and bravos

Wine-ing about squishy grapes

By Jesse Pinkman Assistant Cook yo Have you ever wandered through the Whole Foods produce section in search of the perfect bunch of organic, healthy, and ripe, fruit? Yeah, neither have I. I’m not Whole Foods rich. However, from the produce that I’ve managed to find from other supermarkets, one produce purchase in particular always turns out to be an issue. In the wise words of 21 Jump Street, this produce “RHYMES WITH GRAPE.” We l l , m o r e s p e c i f i c a l ly, i t a c t u a l ly is grapes.

Grapes are squishy and weird and you can never tell if you’re buying a ripe bunch or not. Also why did people start selling grapes in plastic bags with holes in them? That’s just unsanitary. According to a parenting blog, grapes are the number one most common choking hazard for young children. Grapes can even kill your dog, what’s more evil than that? Even if you coat grapes in chocolate, or drizzle them with chili and lemon, the flavor won’t improve. Grapes are only tolerable and only edible when they’re frozen. Frozen grapes are amazing. Go to your fridge, grab that nasty bag of soft grapes, and throw that in the freezer for a few hours. You’ll be happy with the results and wonder why you never tried that before.

Also, artificially flavored grape products are the worst. No one likes grape lollipops, grape candy, or grape flavored gum.

It’s actually useless. In the wide variety of exotic fruits that exist in the world, fresh

grapes come in at last place, right next to fresh papaya.

Don’t waste your precious money on grapes. Go to Whole Foods and explore the wonderful food aisles, eco-friendly products, or look at the 100% organic clothing (whatever that means.

Do they just sell g rass skir ts?).

Take AP Environmental Science for the sole purpose of the W h o l e Fo o d s tour that you’ll take on the last day of school.

They’ll give you a million samples, starting at the produce section.

If all else fails and you’re doomed with a useless bag of red or green seedless grapes, then you should: freeze them, throw them out the window, make wine, or dry them into raisins and bake them into oatmeal raisin cookies. Just don’t buy them. I have run out of opinions and here I am filling up word space. xoxo

Squishy babies give birth to all evil

By But I'm Clean The Leftovers Editor The real problem here are deceptively squishy babies, who look like grapes but should look like raisins. Manufacturers look at a baby and think geez, what do they need all that fat for? So naturally, they siphon the fat out and create organic, sustainablyproduced lard.

They have the a dva n t a ge o f branding it as vegan, too, because babies aren’t people.

T h e problem arises when people who like babies exist. Those people who like babies, mainly biased parents, propagandize to their friends TyRa bAnKs who immediately conform to like babies as well.

Suddenly, Baby Lard producers have a protest against the use of babies for lard harvesting! The natural reaction to this would be to poison all other lard supply

tanks until people who like babies die off, one by one. But when only people who eat Baby Lard are alive, then nobody would want to make babies anymore. And that’s a problem, because the ratio of live people to the ratio of dead people would be way off the safe margins for human survival.

Ultimately, the problem comes back to babies. Babies cause all problems.

People should stop giving birth to babies and start giving birth to full grown men and women, or, if they are true servants of the state, pre-packaged bottles of Baby Blood Wine.

There’s our solution: stop using babies for lard and start using them for wine.

Grapes shouldn’t have to bear the sole burden of producing these beverages. We have a sustainable resource right in front of us, and no one is taking advantage. Environmentalists protecting rainforests should adjust their attention to exploiting babies.

Baby Blood Wine would bear all of the benefits of Baby Lard with none of the side effects, i.e. stunted human reproduction, because babies don’t need their own blood to survive; they are, after all, a midget variety of soulless demon. Only after puberty do babies transform from demons into productive members of society.

So if anyone feels the urge to siphon blood from babies to create non-grape vegan organic all-natural sustainably produced wine, just do it. Go ahead. Society will thank you. Everyone will like shuffleboard and nobody will be sad. Newspaper articles will stay on topic and I’ll stop writing for newspapers. Bye-bye babies!

AP Doge much replace AP Lang, wow

By Sleepy & Sacey Chotwell Staff Slackers The rigorous academic focus of South Pasadena High School provides an opportunity for hardworking students to dedicate their time to challenging classes from which they emerge with new knowledge and useful skills. There is one Advanced Placement class, however, that provides students with neither. The lack of benefits of the AP English Language class make it a waste of time for ambitious young scholars, and SPHS should replace this course with a more relevant, educationally superior option: AP Doge.

It is clear that Doge is rapidly replacing English as this country’s primary spoken language. The emergence of the Doge meme characterized by a shiba inu dog paired with enthralling phrases such as “wow” and “such amaze” - has spun America into a flurry of

obsession as citizens adopt this new and mysterious dialect. AP Doge must replace the AP English Language course because of its relevance and cultural importance. Students need to build an academic foundation of Doge as soon as possible in preparation for the rigors of their college education.

...such language, many wow, ver y article...

The College Board has also acknowledged the importance of Doge English education, and recommends the Doge AP examination for those looking to gain college credit. The modifications to the SAT Reasoning Test, to be implemented in 2016, include replacing the Critical Reading section with the more relevant

Critical Doge section. With these monumental changes to the American school system’s most prominent forms of testing, SPHS must defend its status as a pinnacle of excellence and provide its students with superior teaching in the most important subjects.

While training new teachers and obtaining different materials for a brand new class can be a financial setback, this investment will undoubtedly prove extremely valuable. Doge is a necessary skill not only for high school classes, but is a useful and versatile talent that will help students throughout their college life and careers. College Board recommends that each AP Doge class host a live shiba inu so that students can practice speaking Doge with a native speaker. As three canine friends - Mya the drug dog and two comfort dogs - already call SPHS home, this adjustment will be easy for the students and faculty.

Eatbananie

5

The Leftovers

호랑이 신문 - april fools DAY 2014

THE LEFTOVERS

Vaseline product review

By TyRa bAnKs Vaseline Saleswoman 5/5

Walter White

Sean Regan proudly displays his custom designerwear. A first-timer to the fashion world, Regan is already making waves with his sleek, chic return to wool. As the saying goes, “once you go Regan, you won’t be leavin’.”

Sweater vests by Regan a fascist fashion hit

By Wig Vendor in Hell Made in China Excitement swept the class when the infamous off-duty janitor, Sean Regan, showed off his fetchingly draped sweater vests during Mr.Chi’s morning history class. Before Regan’s arrival, the apparel was often seen as a signature piece among tribal ancient men; but, with his fervent fashion shows, South Pasadena has come to love the former fashion taboo.

“Oh. My. God. I dig them gorgeous things so much. Like, te amo,” one student said. “I just wanna eat them up for breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner.”

No one can doubt Regan’s genius

in the fashion industry. His show was beautiful. It was chic, atypical, and full of manly swagger. I’m just loving it.

Mmmmmhhm...The beard-faced Regan donned his vests with simple grace: a pair of straight cotton pants, a white shirt underneath the vests, and a pair of suspenders under all that.

Students have expressed support for Regan’s vests in the forms of foreign language.

“SARANGHAEYO!!

ERES GUAPISIMO! WO AI NI!” sophomore Tae Ha Kim said. “Dude, I respect him for his manliness, I’m going to grow a beard and wear sweater vests too.”

Kim’s support went beyond that of verbal expression. As a special tribute to Regan, Kim contributed $60 to

fashion Regan’s latest fashion show hit: nicely attached whip cream on a beautifully arranged yellow plastic bag perfectly outlining Regan’s figure. The soaring popularity of his special item has led to the nickname “The Pied Regan.”

Other pieces shown during his exhibition included vests of multiple styles, from the drab, old beige to the hipster colored ones.

The amount of love students have shown for these fashion shows led to Regan’s plans for next year.

“I didn’t know so many people would love my vests,” Regan said. “So, I’m thinking giving some to Mr. McGough and Mr. Shotwell next year.”

I’m about to reveal my BIGGEST. BEAUTY. SECRET. EVER! It’s my eye and anything cream, meaning, eye, and, any THING. YES! YES! YES! By now, a hunky man should have brought you a special box. Inside is my SUPER DUPER NO-FAILING SKIN SAVING EYE AND ANYTHING CREAM. Okay, on the count of three, I want you to open it. Are you ready!?

Drumroll, please. ONE. TWO. THREE. OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT! YOU GOT VASELINE, AND YOU GOT VASELINE, AND YOU GOT VASELINE!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!! YES! YES! AHHH! YOU GOT VASELINE! AND YOU GOT VASELINE! AAAAAAAAH!! AYYYYYEEEEE!!!

AHHHHH! AYEEYEYEYEYEYYY!!!!

AAAAAHHH!!!!!

Woooooo. I love it! I use it morning, noon, and night, you guys.

YOUR WILDEST DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

bellasguar.com

TyRa bAnKs flashes her signature“smize” while thinking about AHHHHHH VAASELIINE AHHHH!!!!!!!!

Personality Profile: Oswald Sawyer Deedler

By Nike Worker S.O.S. Help Please

ObeyyyyCarlitosxP

Oswald Deedler‘s vision transcends the walls of his mother’s uterus.

Barely a fetus, Deedler already inspires worship amongst many.

Oswald Sawyer Deedler, Jamie Deedler’s soon-to-be child, is an unusually mature fetus. When we met, the monitor of the ultrasound showed not only four limbs and a head, but also Gucci loafers, a fedora, and a protuberance that appeared to be a Cuban cigar. Through two metal cans with a piece of string pulled taught between them, Oswald aired his views and experiences for all those on this side of the uterus.

Needless to say, being suspended in a bag of amniotic fluid has been limiting for Oswald’s boundless energy and his need for intellectual engagement. The mucus plug sealing him off from the world has made it far too troublesome for the mailman to pass him his subscriptions of The New Yorker magazine.

Oswald’s love of golfing is has also been put on

hold for the duration of his intrauterine stay. Having been a gopher in a past life, this hilarious connection was a critical factor that drove him to the sport.

“I managed to convince them to pass through some putting irons so I can play a few rounds in here,” Oswald said, “but Jamie hasn’t gotten around to installing my 18-hole golf course yet.”

However limiting, Oswald’s confinement in Jamie Deedler’s uterus doesn’t stop him from getting a little physical exercise. He spends roughly an hour every day playing a sport that he calls “Organ.”

“Basically, I just kick Jamie’s internal organs until she vomits,” Oswald said.

“It’s a great cardio exercise and the adrenaline rush that I get when my foot contacts something really vital like the liver or the pancreas is a thrill like no other.”

Amazingly, his unfortunate circumstances haven’t been able to damper his positive outlook on life. He finds great joy in donating his hair to “Locks of Love” and volunteering at local soup kitchens where he believes the people idolize him and crave his presence.

“I’ll often hear them calling out ‘fetus, fetus’ when I arrive at the soup kitchen,” Oswald said. “It moves me to be so important to those unfortunate souls out there in the real word who have so little and knowing that my very presence is such an inspiration to others helps me get through the long nights in here.”

When he is finally free, Oswald hopes to one day “causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark or the number of his name.”

April Fools Day 2014 - 호랑이 신문

THE LEFTOVERS

6

Samurai Cop changes everything about the world, ever

By Dale Cooper Cherry Pie Aficionado 6/5

1989 was an eventful year for people around the world: the Berlin wall came down, The Cosby Show was the number one show on TV, and acclaimed rapper Lil’ Mama was born. What many people overlook, however, is the release of Samurai Cop, a film that changed the face of cinema forever. Bravely telling the story of a katana-wielding police officer using his martial arts training and majestic head of hair to defeat a Japanese crime syndicate, Samurai Cop is an epic fable about love, justice, and the American dream.

Officer Joe Marshall is a loose-cannon cop who is rumored to have been trained by the masters in Japan. Although it is never explained who these masters are or

what they trained him in, it can be assumed that they listened to a lot of Bon Jovi during their training montages. When the Katana Gang, led by Japanese businessman and proud mullet owner Fujiyama, goes on a rampant crime spree, Marshall and his token black partner are called in to clean up the streets.

Matt Hannon delivers what is indisputably one of the finest performances of the 20th century as the samurai cop himself, Joe Marshall. Before being cast in this career-defining role, Hannon paid his dues by renting out his long mane of hair as a bird’s nest. Director Amir Shervan, who spoke minimal English, mistook Hannon for fashion icon Fabio and immediately cast him in the lead role of the film upon meeting him.

Although Samurai Cop seems simple on the surface, there is a plethora of deeper meaning hidden below the surface, waiting to be ex-

plored. For example, when one of the villains infiltrates a hospital by hiding in a trash can, it subtly suggests that he and his peers are garbage, and it’s Marshall’s duty to take out the trash.

The script is just as extraordinary and complex as the rest of the film, with little pearls of wisdom scattered throughout the dialogue.

After a woman asks Marshall how he’s so sure she’s romantically interested in him, he enlightens her by saying “I can read eyes.” This line is left open to interpretation, and scholars still ponder its meaning to this day.

Samurai Cop is a film that defies criticism; many consider it to be the greatest film of all-time, and with good reason. Although it’s still being interpreted and studied today, what can be said for certain about Samurai Cop is that there will never be another film quite as daring, inventive, and unforgettable.

How to be a South Pasadena resident:

By Crystabel Riley Staff Groupie + Shade Thrower South Pasadena is a small town rich with history, but how much of it do you actually know? We set out to investigate what was kept under the wraps in this land clearly filled with secrets and conspiracy.

We began at South Pasadena Middle School, which went through a variety of renovations a few years ago.

The true story is that the new building was placed to cover up what was discovered underground by three trespassing students who thought they’d take a midnight stroll and investigate a slightly suspicious mound near the side of the street. Soon enough, they had dug up half of a skeleton of a suspiciously humanoid being that didn’t seem quite human.

This was only the start of an unearthing of an entire colony below SPMS’s surface after the scientific community tracked the teenagers through shakily recorded Vines and badly spelled tweets and closed the area down.

This school, where awkward teenagers pretend they’re more important than they actually are and others disappear into the crowd completely, was about to transform the theories of hu-

man origin. Scientists couldn’t let that happen, and the archaeology world’s biggest cover-up ensued.

We continued along Fair Oaks and soon found ourselves The Fair Oaks Pharmacy… now, this is a place with many secrets. Back when the location was a popular stop for travelers along Route 66, the pharmacy was the center of an illegal potato trading ring. Virgin Gold, Austrian Crescent, Purple Crescent, Rose Finn Apple—you name it, the “Pharmacy” probably had an imported supply that was more or less obtained through illicit means. We asked an employee about the dirty business and they looked at us like we were crazy—understandably, because as it turns out, everyone from that time is most certainly dead.

Our last stop for the day was the Ostrich Farm, one of our city’s most famous cultural landmarks. Only eighteen out of the original fifty ostriches brought here from Galveston were recorded to have survived the treacherous journey.

But these ostriches weren’t dead. In fact, they weren’t even ostriches at all, but elephant birds. These monstrous creatures are said to have gone extinct centuries ago, but from the clues I picked up, I’m betting you that the last of these stumpy weirdos trampled little children not even fifty years ago.

1. attend South Pasadena Middle School 2. regret everything about South Pasadena Middle School 3. high school es ehhhhhh 4. apply for colej:( 5. pay too much $$$ for colej:( 6. ooOoOOooH graduation 7. but wait, 20+ years of debt 8. become a part of the dwindling work force 9. i guess i’ll have kids now?

10. oops midlife crisis 11. first middle-aged zit 12. senior citizenship = souplantation discount 13. too many souplantation discounts 14. clam chowder + souplantation ambiance = clogged arteries 15. ehhhhhh death ehhhhhh

Shine Cho Jr.

“The Walking Man” frozen in place, fearful of South Pas’s past.

Shine Cho Jr.

Fair Oaks Pharmacy belies its dark history of illegal potato trading rings.

houseofhorrors.com

The legendary cop Joe Marshall intently prepares for battle in traditional samurai attire: a muscle shirt and jeans.

Don’t let our Craftsman-style homes, tree-lined streets, and Mom and Pop merchants fool you into thinking that we’re an innocent town.

Connect the dots.

Conspiracy is the true force that drives South Pasadena to again face our normal lifestyle.

Str8 Outta Da Pond = str8 outta dis world By #kabealostudios & So Excited Coachella Fangirl Start Reading Here Editor & Seeking Coachella Boyfriend Local teen acappella sensation The Amphibians ∞/5

have announced they will be releasing a new mixtape at the end of the month. “Str8 Outta Da Pond” has the group mixing contemporary hip-hop beats with classic a cappella sounds. A refreshing change for the homegrown Oahu group, the mixtape embodies a new direction: inspiring urban youth to appreciate the wonders of acappella.

“I like where they’re going with this,” rapper 50 Cent said. “We need more creative minds like this. Like I always said, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, dawg.”

The group of four has dropped their iconic leis and Hawaiian heritage and adopted doo-rags and Dickies pants to further enhance their urban presence.

The surprise mixtape was a culmination of weeks of lyrical magic. Sophomore producer Abraham Szilagyi will be taking on the hardest part of the endeavor, as hip-hop songs tend to have very bass-heavy beats.

The self-released six-track mixtape recollects the groups tumultuous journey away from drugravaged teenage life and into the sobering reality of acappella. Opener “Hop This Way” is a rampantly aggressive jaw-dropper that critiques the conformity of modern teenage society. The quintet then takes a darker turn with the sinister but catchy “Toad’s Paradise.” Hit song “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin’ to Frog With” has already been released, and is topping the Billboard charts.

“Str8 Outta Da Pond” wraps up with “Started from a Tadpole,” giving listeners a glimpse into the immense struggle and racial oppression The Amphibians faced. With rage, the track echoes the dangerous neighborhood where they grew up with “Screw a fake frog, where your real frogs at?/ We don’t like to do so much complaining/ Spawn stayed the same, I never changed it.”

“We lived in a neighborhood where our dreams were crushed on a daily basis,” junior Glenda Chen said with tears in her eyes. “We just wanted to give our listeners a look into what it was like for us growing up in a place like Honolulu.”

Rolling Stone has dubbed the quickly rising group “the Rage Against the Machine of acappella groups,” a phrase the talented bunch has come to enjoy. A ten-city tour has been rumored, but no final plans for a Scandinavian tour have been set.

“We have no concrete plans for the future as of now,” senior Courtney Chu said. “Down with the haters, The Amphibians do what they want, that’s what we have always done, and we ain’t gonna stop now.”

2

호랑이 신문 - April Fools Day 2014

Start Reading Here

ZDunnthe1

Seamus Ashby

program’s biggest prospect for 2014 after dominating at the JV level two years ago. Dunn has a reliable left hand that Modesty is the best poli- never fails him. As a man of relatively cy. That’s a motto senior Zachary few words, Dunn lets his actions do the Dunn lives by. Despite his muscu- talking.

“I get a lot of questions about that lar exterior and crafty smile, there is more than meets the eye to one of belly roll maneuver when I manlead,” South Pasadena High School’s most Dunn said. “People always try to replinotorious suitors. cate it but never achieve the same suc“I’m just another shy guy trying cess. It’s all about the core. You have to to get by in this cold world,” Dunn said. have control of each ab in the 6-pack. I “Anyone who has met me would say owe it all to P90X.” that I hate drawing attention to myself.

Like many of his fellow bachI’m a go-with-the flow type a guy. Real elors, Dunn places an emphasis on his under the radar.” fashion. But his style echoes his downNicknamed Zdunnthe1 by his to-earth persona, as he mentions H&M peers, the senior is an all-around ath- and Vijay Nachiappan’s closet as his golete. Dunn is currently the boys’ tennis to stores. He doesn’t shop as much as he would like, due to his avid love for dogsitting that occupies much of his time.

“I like clothes that are subtle, yet simple, kind of like me” Dunn says proudly. “I don’t need any fancy accessories and I sure don’t need any enhancements to my Shine Cho Jr. image. I let the body Dunn is famous around campus for his signature body do the talking.” and hair. Dunn also spent a brief time modeling swimsuits.

By Slave Re: Shine

By Not Asa Goldwoman Part Time Sushi Critic The South Pasadena boys volleyball team recently aquired shining superstar Seamus Ashby, who moved from Edinburgh, Scotland three years ago.

“Well, y’know, I decided to take my talents to the warm sun of Califurnia y’see?” Ashby said, “Well, I like saw that one show, where the dudes with terrible haircuts get like the greatest chicks, and I was like ‘righteous! And so like yeah dude, right on. Ferrrshure.”

Seamus replaces former senior outside hitter Noah Ashleigh, who moved to Laguna Beach High School, because he felt that he would fit in more with the “bros”.

Ashby was part of a capitalistic athletic club in Scotland known as the Celtic Wind, where the club took part in a multitude of sports, such as Gaelic Football and Caber Toss.

Judging from the size of his thighs, and insurmountable leg hair, it is almost certain that the 22 year-old Ashby will fit in right with the volleyball team and lead them to their 2nd consecutive Hio Rondo title.

Justin Fernandez drowns in trainer room

By Shults 2 Start Reading Here Co-Editor

Junior Justin Fernandez was found dead last night in the South Pasadena Athletic Training room. An autopsy later revealed that Fernandez had fallen asleep while taking an ice bath and subsequently drowned in the water.

“I was really sad to find him lying under the water” Mr. Garcia said. “He was like a son to me, and its depressing to see one of my regular patients like this. I thought it was impossible to fall asleep in 50 degree water, but I was mistaken.”

Fernandez, who was a consistent “patient” in the training room, received treatment for various ailments, including a torn left thigh, several concussions, and a broken heart. He was last seen going into the training room after benching 450 at the weight room to receive an ice bath.

Fernandez had been ailing for after developing shin splints.

Coach Garcia, who by now trusted Fernandez to care for himself, left to go check up on other athletes, leaving him in the ice bath by himself. Garcia arrived five minutes later to find Fernandez at the bottom of the tub, unconscious.

He was rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead later that night.

“After all the injuries, I never thought he’d go like this.” Coach Garcia said with tears in his eyes, “He’s in a better place now. With ice baths as far as the eye can see. And buildings made of althetic tape.”

Fernandez had much promise as an athlete both in soccer and in track and field, hoping to participate as an athlete in college. This tragic event serves as a warning for others who visit the trainers room.

“What we’ve learned to today is to make sure you have a buddy when taking a bath at anytime,” Garcia said, “I call them bath buddies!”

Junior Powderpuff rolls over football By #kabealostudios Start Reading Here Co-Editor

Just weeks after the junior Powder-puff team upset the seniors 24-13, they have claimed their second victim: the South Pasadena High School varsity football team. Led once again by star running back Julia Primuth, the juniors outplayed the Tigers 49-3.

First quarter defense lacked on both ends of the field. The juniors allowed a season high 200 yards, but kept the Tigers to only 3 points.

Junior quarterback Colleen Berry took the ball 96 yards to the house on a read option run, breaking through numerous Tiger tacklers. Chris Koo was intercepted early by the juniors, who returned it 44 yards to the house.

“I don’t know how to feel about this,” junior Kelly Lake said after the game. “I feel good that we won, but also embarrassed. Isn’t football sup-

posed to be the ultimate sport at a high school?

We suck!”

A tag team drive between junior running backs Alyssa Carlos and Primuth had seniors Robert Rush and Nathan Lee missing easy tackles. Berry tore through the secondary, shattering school records with well over 700 yards in the air, and five touchdowns.

“Boy, I would like to have her on my fantasy team.” former coach Jeff Chi said, “Especially against a rag tag team like this.”

Sophomore Zach Mackey, who donned his signature shades during the game, couldn’t get past the monstrous defensive line the juniors boasted, ending any chance the Tigers had for a comeback.

Domination continued, with the juniors ending the night with 1500+ yards and seven touchdown. Coach Martin Konrad declined to comment on the loss.

“Well y’know, I took a natural hair-growing product so I could fit in,” Seamus said. “It is nay fathomable to be dyire de consequence ya leprechaun.”

Coach Ben Diaz was too busy waxing his head and declined to comment.

ObeyyyyCarlitosxP

Ashby is still very much in touch with his Scottish Heritage.

Esteban Suarez sets bar too low

By Wig Vendor of Hell Made in China

South Pasadena High School sophomore Esteban Suarez-Esteban mistakenly caused the South Pas girls’ gymnastic team to break the all time school record jump of four meters. A huge uproar has broken out among parents and fans alike. South Pasadena is known for it’s amazing gymnastic team that impresses time and time again. A scandal like this could put the team’s reputation in jeopardy.

During the competition, Suarez-Esteban lowered the bar to what he thought to be four meters, but he had in fact lowered it to three. When the girls gymnast team performed its magic following his performance, the crowds cheered as five of the six girls on the team jumped above the bar set by Suarez-Esteban.

Some students, however, believe that Suarez-Esteban’s action was not accidental.

“I think Esteban’s mistake had a hidden motive because I always see him smiling in that weird way of his every time the girls do their flips,” sophomore Ryan Young said. “Dang, I want some of that deliciousness, too.”

South Pasadena High School’s PTSA is investigating the incident. Fervent fans of Suarez-Esteban have stood in front of the main office as support, including sophomore Erik Chan, who has video-recorded every one of Suarez-Esteban’s performances.

“He is the flame that burns in my soul,” sophomore Erik Chan said. “Every time he flexes his muscles and smiles while doing a gymnastic routine, I feel the trembles down my spine.

There is just no way he purposely lowered the bar for the girls.”

The results of the investigation will be revealed Thursday.

1

Start Reading Here

호랑이 신문 - April Fools Day 2014

Start Reading Here Swimming away from the pool

By Sleepy Staff Slacker The South Pasadena swim team’s hopes of capturing a CIF title have been shattered after nearly the entire team quit on Wednesday of last week due to severe exhaustion from their exercise regimen. Head coach Elinor Charlton’s notoriously intense workouts, each spanning over nine and a half hours, proved too strenuous for the team and resulted in mass revolt. The athletes have staged protests on the Tiger Patio during the last week to voice their dissatisfaction, and plan on partaking in several more until Charlton agrees to alleviate the intensity of the training.

“I didn’t think the workouts were that difficult,” said Charlton. “The kids are just overreacting.”

A few athletes have stayed through the arduous workouts, including senior Samantha Zavala, whose superhuman aquatic capabilities spared her from wrath. She and three other girls will continue practicing for the remainder of the season under Charlton’s coaching and hope that their teammates will consider returning to the squad as soon as possible.

“It’s really tragic that everyone quit, but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for your sport if you’re really dedicated, you know?” said Zavala, who is hoping this obstacle will not prevent her from singlehandedly bringing home the girls’ league championship.

Due to the lack of male swimmers, Athletic Director Mark Zalin plans to join the boys team so the Tigers are not forced to forfeit the rest of their meets. Zalin is optimistic, and even excited, about this endeavor. He says that he feels that his true calling is being an athlete.

“I spend most of the school day in the water already, so this shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment,” Zalin said. Zalin’s wife will fill-in as Athletic Director during this shift. “I’m excited to make this contribution to South Pasadena High athletics,” Zalin said.

#kabealostudios

A former member of the girls swim team proclaims her dissatisfaction with the exercise regimen.

#kabealostudios

High octane golf brawl leaves three dead By #kabealostudios Start Reading Here Co-Editor

The grassy knolls of Alhambra Golf Course are known for their serene colors and beautiful scenery. However, this peaceful environment was nowhere to be found on Tuesday, as an intense brawl broke out between two high school golf teams. South Pasadena High School’s Henry Sue was on the cusp of sinking his third holein-one of the day, but fell just inches short. Jeers from Temple City’s players got the best of Sue, who confronted the rambunctious group. Jarring back and forth at each other, the two teams began making physical contact. A punch was thrown by one of the Rams’

golfers, and chaos broke out.

“I’ve never seen so much blood in my life.” Junior Robert Lee said days later in the hospital, “The last thing I remember is Henry going hard. He was in the zone.”

Sue was indeed in the zone, as he is being charged with two counts of murder in the first degree. Sue pummeled the Rams continuously after Lee was hit in the head with a putter. Sophomore Eddy Moon (AKA Moonfather) was swinging away at the Temple City coaches until his collar bone was broken by a foriegn exchange student from Eritrea, sending him to the ground.

Freshman Andrew Son left the scene with multiple contusions around his head and neck, and a

compound fracture in the upper leg.

“They started it,” Sue said out of a wired jaw, “I saw Robert go down, and I retaliated. That’s the attitude we play with. Swing first, ask questions later. Nobody messes with the golf team.”

The only question that remains is what will become of the violent sport. This is just one of many brawls that left high school golfers permanently out of commission.

Urban rappers have adopted golf as their sport of choice solely due to the fact that it is focused on violence. With more and more sports catering to their players’ safety, is it time to outlaw this barbaric sport?

Second base stolen; Chu on run

By Cinderblock Staff Hufflepuff Tragedy struck the famed South Pasadena High School baseball team during last week’s match against Temple City when senior Alex Chu stole third base – literally.

The incident occurred after a player on the opposing team attempted to poorly mimic Chu’s voice.

“Typical Chu,” captain senior Noah Anselmo said, running a hand through his freshly-trimmed mane and adjusting his cap. “Such a dingus.”

Chu is known for stealing bases in games. With 20 on the season, he is on pace to best the school record of 87, set by himself last year.

Chu reportedly donned his legendary “dang shades,” cocked one of his signature eyebrows, and threw up the shaka hand signal to his “squad” before booking it deep into left field, third base in hand, never to return. When presented with the tragic news, Chu’s sister sophomore Olivia Chu reportedly yelled, “Really?!? Score!” before sprinting off to tell her friends.

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” AP Government teacher Ms Maryann Nielsen said, accompanied by one of her signature eye rolls.

“He always seems so out of it in my class. Him and that Justin Kim.”

A source close to Chu reports that he plans to pawn the base plate and use the spare cash to purchase some sick new snowboarding gear, among other recreational pursuits.

“It’s like a shame I guess, yeah,” senior Justin Kim said as he drew something peculiar on his friend’s face on SnapChat. “He was pretty chill.

Laughed at everything, which was nice. He was probably going to join a frat one day and… hey, did I make this big enough? haha xP.” “He’s probably all the way up to Mammoth by now,” Anselmo said. “Such a dingus.”

The search is on for Chu. According to authorities, he is believed to be up in the mountains. Police are currently flocking in droves to Chu’s estimated location, hoping to apprehend him without conflict.

[inside] Reed bout some jrs. winning in sports and other thingsss Gordon Ramsey

page 2