Pink (August 2018)

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HER HUSBAND’S TIME IS RUNNING OUT But she continues to live for him and ALS sufferers

WHEN THE PARENTS ARE THE VICTIMS OF THEIR KIDS’ ABUSE ONE MOTHER’S COURAGE TO REPORT HER OWN SON

Boosting confidence and being the best version of you From shy teacher to champion bikini model

INSIDE

August 2018

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FEATURES 14 InFocus when the abusers are the kids A mother’s courage to report her son to the police 22 PriavteEye tomorrow is another day Time is running out for Maria and Bjorn Formosa 27 WomensWorld a woman’s place Ladies, Wine & Design lands in Malta

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FASHION 34 ShowStopper full of character Preserving the right look

HEALTH & BEAUTY

REGULARS

43 OnForm being the best version of yourself Bikini model champion gives and gets a confidence boost 47 InThePink the deep truth about drowning Learning how to save lives 50 PinkShrink from adoring to abusing your parents What drives children to harm their mums 51 ParentingTips deserved victims?

How the parents can cope with abuse

9 EditorsNote 10 MailShot 31 WomanKind in the act Fanny Kemble 33 ThinkPink cars & beauty 54 ThinkPink fashion 55 WomenOnWheels hello hybrid!

New Toyota Auris 56 SnapShot the actress, the witch and the wardrobe Francesca Scerri 58 Pink@TheParty

COVER Photography Kurt Paris ∫ Styling Marisa Grima [marisagrima.com] ∫ Hair Dominic Bartolo @ Dreads Hairdressing ∫ Make-up Rachel Borg, using Revlon ∫ Model Gabriella @ Supernova MM, wearing zip-up; shorts; shoes, all Noos.

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At the launch of Etnia Barcelona eyewear by O’hea Opticians.

Photography Mark Soler

EDITORSNOTE

My sleepy village has been shaken to the core by a number of crimes, the latest being the gruesome and cold-blooded murder by a son of his mother and his aunt.

It’s not what you’d expect to happen behind the closed doors you walk along time and time again.

It’s not what anyone who knew this family and the somewhat reserved murderer himself would have expected.

I don’t know the circumstances or the motives of the murder, apart from the gossip that has been doing the rounds, so I won’t speculate on that. But a killing of the sort, involving a mother and a son, makes you wonder how many families are suffering violence and abuse in silence, and that it is not always the parents who are the perpetrators and the children the victims.

This recent act of violence links up to our main feature this month, which is about a mother who felt compelled to report her 18-year-old son to the police for physically assaulting her time and again.

She opted to remain anonymous not to damage his reputation and have him labelled a monster, and we conceded to publishing her saga in InFocus [on page 14] because we can only imagine how hard it must be for mothers to ‘turn against’ their own children, watch them being taken away from their home by the police, meeting them in a courtroom and testifying against them…

We can also imagine – statistics on parent abuse don’t seem to be readily available – that others are suffering in silence and fear… and in the belief that protecting their abusive kids is the right thing to do.

But this mother knows it isn’t and she wants to shake off the taboo surrounding parent abuse, and the shame, embarrassment and fear that accompany it.

This mother wanted to share her story to explain how and why she recently plucked up the courage to be responsible for having her son sent to a juvenile rehabilitation centre, and how she was determined to do whatever it took to give him another chance to be accepted back in society… even if it meant being cruel to be kind.

As a threatened mother, she says, she couldn’t possibly have had her son in her home anymore, and forced professional help, which he had long resisted, was what was best for him at this point in time.

This particular boy had witnessed domestic violence in the household as a young child, and our resident shrink, Dott. Edward Curmi, maintains that this could lead to aggressive behaviour later on in life.

In PinkShrink [on page 50], he tries to understand what could drive children to abuse their parents, both physically and emotionally, and how this behaviour can be toned down, noting also that most studies indicate that parental abuse tends to thrive in households where one or both parents are weak.

Being a parent requires a strong sense of responsibility, our psychotherapist says, and not necessarily always being seen in a positive light by the children. This single parent surely followed his piece of advice, and is ready to face the fact that her son won’t communicate with her – at least not for the time being – as a result of that.

Anyway, we hope that other parents who are under threat from their kids will find it in them to stop covering up and take the bull by the horns. Our child and educational psychologist, Dr Stephanie Satariano, reaffirms in ParentingTips [on page 51] the fact that it is OK to experience negative feelings towards your kids – and sometimes, to act upon these.

We also hope that this particular family, and others in similar conditions, won’t be scarred for life!

Their saga sure does put things into perspective and sheds a light, to some extent, on who the real victims out there actually are.

August 5, 2018 ∫ Pink is a monthly magazine ∫ Issue 166 ∫ Executive editor Fiona Galea Debono ∫ Publisher Allied Newspapers Ltd ∫ Printing Progress Press Ltd ∫ Production Allied Newspapers Ltd ∫ Contributors Dominic Bartolo, Adriana Bishop, Rachel Borg, Tezara Eve Camilleri, Edward Curmi, Anna Marie Galea, Mary Galea Debono, Marisa Grima, Stephanie Satariano, Lara Sierra, Antoinette Sinnas, Rachel Zammit Cutajar ∫ Design Manuel Schembri ∫ Photography Jonathan Borg, Matthew Mirabelli, Kurt Paris, Mark Zammit Cordina ∫ Advertising sales Veronica Grech Sant [2276 4333; veronica.grechsant@timesofmalta.com].

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© 2018. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole, or in part, without written permission of the publishers, is prohibited.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 9

MAILSho

THE LETTER THAT TICKLED Pı PINK SUNDAYS Dear Pink, the first thing I do on a Sunday afternoon when we gather at our parents’ house for tea is to check if The Sunday Times of Malta has any magazines. When it is a ‘Pink Sunday’, I know that I will have a pleasant read ahead. Among the interesting articles in this month’s issue, the one that struck me most is where Amy shares her Born Again story [OnForm, July 2018]. I had the pleasure of befriending Amy when she was 13 and a healthy teenager. We were both in the same group of friends and we went out together. We are now both in our 40s [myself nearer to 50] and have not been close through the years. However, I have always followed her story as she and her family are a true inspiration to all. To have renal disease is a very serious thing, but to have been through a transplant is tremendous. I can only start to imagine the heartache and pain all the family went through, especially dear Amy. Yet through this darkness and pain shines the generosity of the donors and family support, not once, but twice! Unfortunately, we have been through the same situation in our family. The road is tough, but these people, in my opinion, are heroes – both the donor and the recipient. Well done Amy! Keep sharing your positivity. May God keep you in good health. You are an inspiration to us all! Well done also to the LifeCycle participants and volunteers. God Bless you all.

ISABELLE CASSAR, FROM ZURRIEQ

The writer of the letter of the month wins a Cacharel Yes I Am eau de parfum; a salon pedicure or manicure; PLUS a selection of Diego dalla Palma make-up products, all from Chemimart.

wrıte ı AND WIN

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE COMMON Hello there! The article that captivated me in the July issue of Pink is the one relating to mental health. Mental health conditions are characterised by alterations in thinking, mood, or behaviour associated with distress. Nowadays, we are more conscious about mental health and its effects.

Obviously, more needs to be done. There are many issues that need to be addressed as highlighted in the new Mental Health Act. Patient focus and special provision for the care of minors is of utmost importance. I feel people with mental health issues should have the right to full respect of their dignity. Mental health conditions are not rare. In fact, these disorders are common and widespread. Most families are not prepared to cope with learning their loved one has a mental illness. It can be physically and emotionally trying and can make us feel vulnerable to the judgements of others.

Many families who have a loved one with a mental illness share similar experiences. Thankfully, nowadays, help is available, and with treatment, many people return to a productive and fulfilling life.

DORISANN BENCINI, FROM SLIEMA

LOOKING HIP READING PINK Dear editor, Sunday morning is my lazy morning, where I take my time in my own way and away from my hectic working and studying life. While spooning dollops of cream from a frothy latte and happily licking my lips, I gingerly flip the pages of Pink from a table facing Marsascala Bay, with the sea glittering like diamonds under the lazy summer sun.

And I look hip reading Pink! My favourite parts of the magazine are the adverts. I do not have much time to shop around, so Pink keeps me abreast of what’s new and what’s hot on the market. Also, I get lots of ideas for my wardrobe from the fashion pages. Ideas vary from what pieces to buy to how to re-vamp an item of clothing, or how to wear things together in different ways to maximise the versatility of clothing. Just fab! Keep it up.

AUDREY TESTAFERRATA DE NOTO, FROM ZEJTUN

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10 ∫ Pink August 2018

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INFOCUS

WHEN THE ABUSERS ARE THE KIDS We hear a lot about child abuse, but rarely about parents who are the victims at the hands of their kids. LARA SIERRA meets a mother who has been physically assaulted by her son, but has plucked up the courage to report him to the police and share her story about what led her to go against the grain, overcome the embarrassment and shame and turn him in – in the belief that continuing to protect him would only cause more harm.

O

n reaching the top of a dark, concrete stairwell, a door opens and a huge dog jumps forward, barking with its hackles up. She holds his collar and eyes me wearily.

Inside the apartment, the dog settles and pads over to the sofa, still watching us carefully. In this dramatic opening scene, I expect her to look battered and bruised, emotionally beaten and withdrawn. But she does not fit the profile. She is polite, eloquent and welldressed. She does not look like a victim of abuse. They rarely do.

“I have two sons,” Audrey* begins, once we are sat at the table. “They are 23 and 19, from two different fathers. I was a single mother with my first son, Sam*, and felt a lot of shame from falling pregnant unmarried. Three years later, I got married. There are five years between my firstborn and my younger son, Chris*.

Audrey speaks in a matter-of-fact tone, briskly listing the information, with her notes placed in front of her. In any other interview, I would introduce a bit of small talk to help her relax, but then I remember why we are here. I look at the dog still watching me from the sofa.

“We were a happy family to begin with, and Sam was happy to have a

14 ∫ Pink August 2018

brother. But things started to go wrong in the marriage. When the children were only three and eight, I decided I wanted to separate. My husband took this badly and he started to become violent. I had to leave the matrimonial home immediately. I moved home with my family and spent the next two years in and out of court because of the domestic violence I had suffered.”

And the children? “They were young and they didn’t really understand, but it was very hard on the kids because they were exposed to all the violence and harsh words. It was a horrible time in their lives. For Sam, it was harder because this man wasn’t even his father.

“I was working full time as I had been left with nothing. After two years, I saved enough money, finally, to buy a house for myself and the boys.

We moved close to a football ground, which was great for them and I had the full support of my family throughout.

“I tried to do everything I could to raise them in the right way, but unfortunately, Chris’s father continued harassing us during this time. He would find out where we were and come to the kid’s football club, for example, to call me names. He would harass me in front of my friends. He had moved on,

yes, but he was still very bitter that I had wanted to separate.”

The father had access to Chris three times a week and would make Audrey’s life difficult, cancelling or changing plans at the last minute, which would spoil any plans she had made with Sam. “Sam got on OK; he did well academically even when they changed school and he never gave me much trouble. But from the age of around 12, Chris had problems at school; he was always causing trouble, always being called in by the headmaster for disrupting the teachers and the other kids.

INFOCUS

“ONE TIME, WHEN CHRIS WAS 13, I WAS TOLD HE HAD BROUGHT A FLICK KNIFE ONTO THE SCHOOL BUS. WHEN I QUESTIONED HIM, HE SAID THERE WAS BULLYING ON THE BUS AND THAT HE WAS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HIMSELF”

“His father was probably saying things about me and my family to him, telling him things about why I wanted to separate, but I always tried to give the children a happy home,” Audrey insists.

One time, when Chris was 13, I was told he had brought a flick knife onto the school bus. When I questioned him, he said there was bullying on the bus and that he was just trying to protect himself. He was just coming up with excuses. I explained to him that these were things a child wouldn’t normally do; I told him that if he felt threatened, he needed to come and talk to me or his teachers. You don’t use violence!”

Aged around 16, he became even worse, Audrey recalls. “I tried to encourage him as I encouraged his brother; I raised them both in the same way, never favouring one over the other.

“At parents’ days, teachers would always tell me he’s really intelligent, but just doesn’t care. He was always lying, never handing in homework even though I always asked if he had any.

His father and I would go separately to parents’ days, so we never communicated about his bad behaviour except when I told him.

It had been agreed with the school that the headmaster would call both

his father and I separately when anything happened.

“Sam would try and talk to him, telling him he’d end up in trouble if he kept doing this. He started having contact with his own father from the age of 14, but he lived overseas, so they were never that close, although he did take an interest in him and helped him financially.”

Audrey’s younger son also got help from his father, although it was more in the form of spoiling him with the latest gadgets, laptops and phones. Whatever he wanted, he gave him.

“I assume he did it to get Chris on his side, but it didn’t work; I tried telling Pink August 2018 ∫ 15

INFOCUS

him it was not what Chris needed and that he needed a father figure, but he persisted,” Audrey continues.

It was when he was 15 that Chris was diagnosed with anger management problems. I would go with him to his sessions with the child psychologist. He was put on medication, but only took it for three months and then refused. He said that he was OK; that he was normal. I didn’t want to force him, and the psychologist agreed with me.

“I was hoping that being involved in sports would help with his anger; he would sometimes go to the gym or play football, but he was never that focused or determined.

Chris’s behaviour continued to worsen. At around 16, he attacked his brother with a knife. They were having an argument, they became aggressive 16 ∫ Pink August 2018

and suddenly Chris went for a knife.

Between us, we managed to hold him down and I called the police. I don’t know if he had ever witnessed a knife being used other than in films, so I don’t know why he did it…

“The behaviour just kept getting worse. He always defied my rules. I was not a strict mother. In fact, I was very lenient and always wanted to be a mother and a friend and try to be understanding,” she admits.

“Raising children is a constant challenge as we are always judged by our kids no matter how hard we try.”

Audrey started to hear that Chris was going to Paceville, and when she told him he was too young, he’d say it was OK because he knew someone at the door.

She would hear that he’d end up in a fist fight and he’d throw it back in her face, saying: “Well, I’m just like my father.”

She says she always tried to teach him that these things aren’t normal and that he can’t behave like that.

Sam, in the meantime, graduated from university and now lives abroad…

But Chris failed his O levels, except for a couple, and said he wanted to quit school. Audrey was encouraging, suggesting he got a job if he didn’t want to continue studying, and saying it was a good way to meet people and learn about business.

Through a friend, he got a job at a coffee shop and, to begin with, he was very proud of himself. The supervisor was very happy and praised him. But, unfortunately, he messed up as he was always late for his shift, so after the third warning, his employment was terminated. He was also retaking his O levels, but again, he didn’t get the grades.

“This was a year-and-a-half ago. At around this time, I decided to sell my house, which took a long time, and as you can see, our new place is still a building site. We’ve only been living here a few weeks and we lived in rental properties during the moving process.

The last place was in Sliema, which only had two rooms: a bedroom and a living room with a kitchenette and a shower. But it served its purpose.

“Chris still didn’t want to work or study, no matter how much I encouraged him by finding jobs through friends, or finding courses for him to follow. He just wouldn’t listen to me. He shut everyone out of his life, his friends, his family and even his dad for a while. His father used to think it was my fault and that I was influencing

INFOCUS him, but that was not the case at all. He offered Chris work at his own company, but he refused, saying he wanted to be independent.”

When he turned 18, a year ago, Chris wanted to throw a huge party unsupervised at a big empty house.

His father and I both said no, and that a party needs supervision. We were worried about alcohol, drugs and bullying. And that’s when it got really bad. He really took it against us that we wouldn’t let him throw this party.

“Ever since, he completely ignored me; he acted like I didn’t exist and only spoke to me when he wanted money.

I continued giving him pocket money until I spoke to the child psychologist who said I’ve got to be cruel to be kind, so I stopped.

“Next, about six months ago, he started wanting to drive my car even though he had no licence. He said he wanted to go for a drive in the middle of the night, and I don’t think it was to see friends. It didn’t seem like he was communicating with his friends and I believe he was very isolated. His life

“I continued trying to encourage him, leaving letters for him to read and little notes, but they were all ignored… except for when he needed money. But then he was stealing money from my wallet anyway, and I tried to keep as little on me as possible.

“I started telling him that we would soon be moving to our new place so that he had something to look forward to.

I tried to get him enthusiastic about it, asking him to look at furnishings with me, but he was totally disinterested.

“My closest friends and family knew that he was raising his hands to me.

I told his father, but at this point, Chris was completely refusing to see him.

I allowed his father into the home a few times to see him, but Chris would physically throw him out of the door, give me a couple of punches, push me against the wall and say: ‘I told you I don’t want to see my father!’

“I had his cousins and uncles asking to see him, but nothing came out of it, and I even communicated with some of his closest friends, who messaged him in vain.”

They’d be playing games, PlayStation, and having sleepovers. I never said no to anything unless I strongly disagreed with it, and then I would always try to give them reasons why I disagreed,” Audrey points out.

It was on approaching his 18th birthday that Chris just decided to shut absolutely everybody out. Audrey tried asking if it was her, a friend, a girlfriend… She asked him every question possible, but he never communicated why he was doing this to them and to himself. She found she was covering up a lot for his behaviour.

“Then, one Friday in July, I came home from watching the World Cup with my friends at 11.30pm. I went into my room, he came in, took some money from my wallet, walked out and I locked the door.

“While living in Sliema, we had an interconnecting door and I always lived in fear that he would attack me, which he would often do when I wouldn’t give him my car key. He would wake me up, disregarding the fact that I had to work the next day, then bash, bully, or

“HE STARTED RAISING HIS HANDS TO ME WHEN I KEPT REFUSING TO LET HIM USE THE CAR WITHOUT A LICENCE. I STARTED SLEEPING IN MY CAR A FEW STREETS AWAY TO STOP HIM FROM USING IT. I WAS PUSHED, SLAPPED AND THROWN TO THE FLOOR BY HIM. I WAS GRABBED BY THE NECK AND HAD A LIGHTER FLICKED IN MY FACE” was about vegging on the sofa, maybe taking the dog out, going for a jog, or a swim, but not communicating with anybody.

“I noticed he was watching videos of motivational speakers and then I realised they were about different religions, Judaism, Buddhism… As a parent, you would worry…

“He started raising his hands to me when I kept refusing to let him use the car without a licence. I started sleeping in my car a few streets away to stop him from using it. I was pushed, slapped and thrown to the floor by him.

I was grabbed by the neck and had a lighter flicked in my face.”

Audrey reported him to the police, who gave him a warning; they told him off for hitting her and for trying to steal her car. His mother offered to pay for his driving lessons so that she could then legally let him take her car, but he refused.

Audrey says she also offered to pay for him to go to therapy and explained that she had been to therapy herself, but he made fun of her and told her she was crazy and that she was the one who needed therapy.

“He called me a bitch, the worst mother in the world and said he wished I was dead. My father died 10 years ago, and he would throw this in my face too. These were the types of words that came out of his mouth when I was just trying to encourage him to get back on his feet.

“I would tell him that he was only 18 and that these were meant to be the best years of his life. I wanted to make him realise that he was wasting his time.

“As a child, he had always been very popular among his friends and cousins and he was quite a leader. There were always kids in our house; my friends used to joke that it was like a club.

threaten me when I refused to give him the key.

“But in our new place, I could finally lock the door. On that Friday, he knocked at the door and I opened it.

He said: ‘I want your car key.’ I told him: ‘You know I will never give it to you. I have told you several times, get yourself driving lessons and then you can legally have my car.’

“He started saying that I was an idiot and that I had no idea how many times he’d taken my car in the middle of the night. My heart was racing.

He started pushing me, shoving me, pulling my hair. Then he got a lighter and started flicking it in my face and tried to set fire to my curtains.”

Was he sober? “Yes, he’d just been around the corner to get a kebab. He said he just wanted to go for a drive to eat his kebab with a view. I told him there’s a beautiful view of Mdina just around the corner that he could walk to.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 17

INFOCUS “He started gagging me with his hands around my neck; then he flicked the lighter onto my chest and burnt me.

I was crying and I just didn’t know what to do.

“I kept trying to move away from him, going around the bed. He was throwing stuff out of the cupboards and then he left the room and I locked the door. He said: ‘I can beat the door down whenever I want to come in.’

But fortunately, he didn’t try. I heard him watching TV throughout the night.

I could barely close my eyes.

“In the morning, I heard him making breakfast and playing with the dog, so I had a quick shower in the bathroom connected to my room. Next, I could hear peace and quiet, so I poked my head, saw his key on the table and saw that he was closed off in his room.

“I grabbed a bag and sneaked out to a friend’s house, who I had been texting throughout the night. She had insisted that I go straight to her house. I told her I couldn’t keep living like this. I am threatened in my own home, sleeping

I ever imagined. He just got dressed and walked out with them.

“Two hours later, I got a call from the police station asking me to bring him a bag as he was being sent to the lock-up that evening. He would be arraigned in court the next morning. The next day, I went to the police station and they informed me that he would be taken to the juvenile rehabilitation centre.

“I told them I didn’t want him out on bail, whatever happens; he needed to stay in a rehabilitation centre and receive professional help. As a threatened mother, I cannot have him in my own home and professional help is what is best for him right now.”

Audrey pauses again. “At the moment, he is refusing to see either myself or his father. They have said it is a form of anger that he is currently going through. I can go and deposit some things, food and clothes and so on, but I cannot see him.”

She sighs before beginning again.

“I want to share my story because I know a lot of parents go through this

not protect them even when they are breaking the law.”

Audrey takes another deep breath.

“I never wanted to see my son behind bars. But by doing this, I believe I am giving him a second chance to be accepted back into society. I don’t feel ashamed. It just hurts… especially now that I know he does not want to talk to me. But I do feel that with all the professional help he receives, he will come out a better person.”

The police requested Audrey’s evidence in court and she has had to appear as a witness in the case against her own son. It wasn’t the easiest of experiences.

“Entering the law courts, my legs were shaking. I had a friend with me, who was there to support me. We waited for quite some time and every minute seemed like an hour. I felt like I was in a trance, thinking this was just a bad dream. Knowing that soon I was going to see my son appearing in court accompanied by the police made me feel weak and sick…

“I NEVER WANTED TO SEE MY SON BEHIND BARS. BUT BY DOING THIS, I BELIEVE I AM GIVING HIM A SECOND CHANCE TO BE ACCEPTED BACK INTO SOCIETY. I DON’T FEEL ASHAMED. IT JUST HURTS…” in my car, or locking myself in my room.

I just keep protecting him, but that time, he burnt me with a lighter; tomorrow he could use a knife, or worse.”

Audrey’s friend agreed that going to the police was the wisest thing she could do. Once there, the police said that if a child burns his own mother then they had to take action.

“I told them they needed to get him professional help. After being sent to the polyclinic for a medical certificate, I waited with my friend and they called me as soon as they were on their way to arrest him. I waited outside the building and we went in together, four policemen and I.” Chris was sitting on the sofa watching the England match. He said to his mother: ‘What’s this?’ She didn’t say anything. One of the policemen said: ‘Chris, get dressed; you’re coming with us.’

Audrey’s emotions finally get the better of her and her voice breaks into sobs. “Seeing my own son being led away by the police was the last thing 18 ∫ Pink August 2018

abuse from their children, physically or verbally. As much as we love our kids and want to protect them, doing nothing can be doing more harm than good.

“I kept on protecting him, thinking things would get better, but instead they just got worse. Chris was refusing help and it could have resulted in worse behaviour such as drink, drugs, or other forms of violence. I know I did the best thing for him and I do not feel ashamed.

“We hear a lot about child abuse, but parent abuse is very much unheard of.

It is very hard for parents to give their children up to the authorities as they are too embarrassed or ashamed. They think that by not doing so, they are protecting their kids.

“Yet it can get to a point when even the kids know that their parents are no longer able to help them… The only solution then is to seek outside help.

It’s not about shame; it’s about seeking what is best to help our kids. We as parents need to help our children;

“My son walked into the courtroom looking smart in a suit and very composed, unlike me, as I burst into a cry and my body was shaking all over. I had to give my evidence about the night my son threatened me, hit me, gagged me and burnt me. I had to hold on to the stand while giving evidence… Tears were rolling down my face and my voice cracked with that feeling of knowing that what I was doing was for the love of my son…”

The dog comes back, anxiously standing between us. He really is a large dog and he is in a highly protective state.

I consider myself to be a dog person, but this one is making me nervous. I tentatively reach my hand out to stroke him. Audrey looks at him, sadly.

“I got this dog five years ago. It was because Chris really wanted one. Even though I didn’t have the time or money to look after it, I agreed, and his father helped to finance it. I really thought it would help, having an animal to look after, who respects him and looks up to

INFOCUS him. I thought having that responsibility may motivate him. I really did try my best.”

The dog turns to her, nuzzling into her leg.

“Of course, I’ve made my mistakes,” she continues. “As parents, we always face these battles and challenges. I tried to give them the life they wanted despite being raised in a broken home. I made the sacrifices. I took on students in summer and winter so they could go on a school trip, or we could go on a family holiday.

“Next week, my eldest son is coming on holiday to Malta, in fact. This is the first time in a while that he will be staying with me.” The tears begin to fall once more. “Recently, he’s been staying elsewhere when he visits because he’s been worried about what may happen if he’s in the same house as his brother.”

Audrey does not cry when she discusses the beatings, the threats, or the burns that she has suffered, nor about the broken home, or violence she endured from her exhusband. She cries only when she speaks about her children.

Without a doubt, she is risking a lot by telling this story. She risks judgement and exposure in a country where every face is recognisable. What’s more, she risks her son being vilified as a monster.

Audrey’s young son is incarcerated, merely days out of childhood, and our response to her story will define his portrayal to the outside world. So, for this reason, it is important to hold judgement.

His mother, through sharing her story, is giving us the opportunity to listen, so that we will not judge, but help. And in doing so, she will encourage others to come out from the shadow of their shame and begin to tell their stories too.

So, what are Audrey’s hopes for the future?

“Chris is co-operating well at the rehabilitation centre,” she says with optimism.

“Every day, I pray that he is making the best out of this rehab experience. I have some contacts who work closely with the unit and are keeping me informed of his progress… I have been calling every day, and I’m told they are giving him tasks to do. They even have sports facilities.

“I know his rehabilitation is going to take time and this won’t be a quick fix. This is not a short-term solution. Once Chris has come around, they can help him find a job. He is my son, and I am hopeful for him.” *Names have been changed to protect the persons’ identities.

The Science: How Children Respond to Domestic Violence [Extracted from a document by The Royal College of Psychiatrists, London]

“Younger children may become anxious. They may complain of tummy aches or start to wet their bed. They may find it difficult to sleep, have temper tantrums and start to behave as if they are much younger than they are. They may also find it difficult to separate from their abused parent when they start nursery or school.

Older children react differently. Boys seem to express their distress much more outwardly, for example, by becoming aggressive and disobedient. Sometimes, they start to use violence to try and solve problems and may copy the behaviour they see within the family. Older boys may play truant and start to use alcohol or drugs [both of which are a common way of trying to block out disturbing experiences and memories].

Girls are more likely to keep their distress inside. They may become withdrawn from other people and become anxious or depressed. They may think badly of themselves and complain of vague physical symptoms. They are more likely to have an eating disorder, or to harm themselves by taking overdoses or cutting themselves. They are also more likely to choose an abusive partner themselves.

Children of any age can develop symptoms of what is called Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. They may get nightmares, flashbacks, become very jumpy, and have headaches and physical pains.

Children dealing with domestic violence and abuse often do badly at school. Their frightening experiences at home make it difficult to concentrate in school, and if they are worried about their abused parent, they may refuse to go to school.”

Call Supportline 179 if you need help or advice on emotional or physical abuse, abuse over the internet or neglect.

See PinkShrink and ParentingTips on page 50 for professional advice on the subject of parent abuse.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 19

PRIVATEEYE

Tomorrow is another day Within the next few weeks, Bjorn Formosa is likely to undergo surgery that will deprive him of the ability to speak, a prospect that has saddened his wife Maria, who is preparing for the near future without him, but prefers not to think about it. “I have no regrets,” she tells ADRIANA BISHOP. “If he didn’t have ALS, we wouldn’t have gotten together, and we would not have achieved all this.”

I

have just met one of the strongest women in Malta, but I doubt she would ever define herself thus.

Petite and beautiful [or “the most beautiful woman in the world” to quote her adoring husband], Maria Muscat is not comfortable in the spotlight.

She fusses over what she should wear for the photo shoot and ultimately settles on a flirty, feminine dress that I assure her is perfect.

She is warm from the second she enters the room. Her towering, confidence-boosting heels give her a temporary edge over my equally petite height, but her inner strength is incomparable. The awkward business of the mini photo shoot wrapped up, we settle down in the office at Dar Bjorn to talk about the new house for ALS patients and the most difficult topic of all – the future.

The current Dar Bjorn in Qormi is a buzz of activity this morning. It is full to capacity, caring for 13 patients with various forms of motor neuron disease, who live for free in their own private rooms, equipped with state-of-the-art technology and facilities. It is the fruit of hard work and determination of one man who simply refuses to be defeated by his illness and of his wife who has stood by him through it all.

On two walls of the courtyard are two giant plaques listing the hundreds of individuals, families, organisations and companies that contributed towards making Dar Bjorn happen. Apart from the in-house patients, Dar Bjorn also helps numerous other patients 22 ∫ Pink August 2018

in their own homes, providing them with equipment and care facilities as required.

But this house is not enough. There is a very long waiting list and Bjorn and Maria are not ready to rest on their laurels. They have set their sights on a bigger house for ALS and motor neuron disease patients in Zebbug, which should accommodate up to 30 people.

It’s an ambitious project, to say the least.

And a costly one too. The couple are aiming to raise €2 million to fund the house through a concert on September 1 at Pjazza San Gorg, Valletta, another fundraiser on Xarabank in October and an art exhibition in November.

That’s a mammoth workload on top of the daily battle against a relentless illness.

But there is no time for “miskin”. As Bjorn continues to soldier on, he inspires his wife, the team at the house and everyone else who is in contact with him to do the same.

His life-changing illness affected not just Bjorn, but everyone else too. Maria was there with him right from the start. The two first met as teenage students at Junior College, but then lost touch. Years later, she spotted his Facebook post in which he revealed his diagnosis. She contacted him in reaction to that post and he invited her along to the ice bucket challenge the very next day. She accepted. That was three years ago, and the rest is now history, played out on social media, wholly uncharacteristic for the normally shy Bjorn and the equally reserved Maria. But both have had to adapt to ALS in more ways than one.

PRIVATEEYE Maria Muscat

Pink August 2018 ∫ 23

PRIVATEEYE With her husband Bjorn Formosa… every step of the way.

“I am living the illness even though I don’t have it,” concedes Maria, with no hint of self-pity at all. Pointing at a photo of Bjorn, taken before ALS took hold, Maria notes how much the disease has changed him and how much it has affected them as a couple.

the cause 24/7 that I never even considered the question. I never asked myself how it would affect me. I believe that when something happens to someone you love, you somehow find the strength and courage within you to help them,” continues Maria.

“I AM LIVING THE ILLNESS EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE IT” “Bjorn used to be so fashion conscious. He was also very shy, but for the sake of the cause, he had to learn to overcome that. He is now stronger than ever and focused on the cause even though the disease is ravaging his body.

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and I cannot face the day, but he’s always strong, and if he can face every day, then so can I. “I barely have time to think about how the illness affects our relationship.

We have so much going on; we are so busy here, working at Dar Bjorn and on 24 ∫ Pink August 2018

“It becomes automatic to put yourself second,” she adds. “For ALS patients, the hardest bit is the loss of independence and when they lose the ability to speak. It changes their life completely. They are locked in their body and it becomes very frustrating.

Sometimes, that frustration comes out too.

“For me, the hardest part is seeing Bjorn lose the ability to do anything for himself. I had to learn to cope with that and to put myself second in every little thing. If we get home after a long day

and we’re tired and hungry, first I sort Bjorn out, then myself. It’s hard to accept that I cannot do anything to stop the disease; to cure him. I need to learn to live with it.”

Working to raise awareness about ALS, raise funds for the next Dar Bjorn, help run the current house, as well as look after Bjorn is a tall order for Maria and a far cry from her work doing accounts at Transport Malta.

“Before, I used to plan other things; then my life changed,” she admits. “I am here at Dar Bjorn every single day. This project means so much to us; it is more than just a job. The patients are family to us. When you work so hard for something that means so much to you, it is difficult to let go.”

The couple have already achieved so much since Bjorn’s diagnosis three years ago. But what about the future? That’s a tough question for Maria. “If I have to face reality, I don’t want to think about the future because maybe it is not so

PRIVATEEYE nice,” she says quietly. “I live day by day.

Bjorn prepares me for the future, but I’d rather not think about it.

“From the very start, Bjorn was always a step ahead of the disease, preparing me so that I wouldn’t get scared. He was always telling me what will happen next.

He got the wheelchair even before he stopped walking so that we would be prepared for that phase in advance.

“I prefer taking it one day at a time.

If in the beginning I had stopped to think about what would happen in the future, I would not have embarked on this journey with Bjorn.”

And the future is not a happy one.

Within the next few weeks, Bjorn is likely to have to undergo a tracheotomy to assist with his ever-deteriorating breathing, but this will deprive him completely of the ability to speak, a prospect that has saddened Maria.

“This is the one procedure I was most scared of from the start – the one procedure I hoped would be avoided because he will lose his voice.

“I know that most ALS patients eventually lose the ability to speak, but I was hoping that would never happen to Bjorn. I try to prepare myself. The other day, while I was driving the van, I was trying not to speak to him, but it’s hard.

“He did a one-day trial with a computer that would ‘speak’ for him, but I hated it. I switched it off. I got rather annoyed with it. He hasn’t lost his voice yet, so I don’t want to speak to a computer yet.”

The couple live in Maria’s hometown of Dingli and try to live as ‘normal’ a life and as independently as possible. Maria insists she would like Bjorn to stay at home for as long as she can care for him. Far from any saintly perception people might have, she insists they are a normal couple, bickering just like any other would, especially one that spends every single minute of the day together.

Jovial banter seems to rule the day, with Bjorn insisting his wife is “the boss” of the relationship and Maria quickly retorting that he is! And as she turns to staff members for confirmation, it seems they are all in agreement as to who is the real boss here.

Bjorn appeases her: “She’s the most beautiful woman in the world; that’s what I always tell her.” But Maria is having none of it and jokingly responds: “Oh

“I prefer takIng It one day at a tIme. If In the begInnIng I had stopped to thInk about what would happen In the future, I would not have embarked on thIs journey wIth bjorn” really?! What do you want Bjorn? Is it going to be one of those long days?”

Everyone falls about laughing, and for a brief moment, it’s all right; it’s all ‘normal’.

Maria reveals the cause and the house project quite literally keep Bjorn going. “Dar Bjorn is our biggest achievement, and these are not just empty words. I mean it. The satisfaction of helping other people is immeasurable,” she insists.

Any regrets? “None,” comes the quick reply. “I wish he had no illness, or that I could cure him, but otherwise, I have no regrets. If he didn’t have ALS, we wouldn’t have gotten together, and we would not have achieved all this.”

Dar Bjorn has been an unprecedented success and Bjorn’s campaigning has brought the previously ‘unknown’ ALS disease to the forefront of our national consciousness. But the question does arise as to what will happen when the inevitable happens.

“Our wish is that this keeps on going forever,” says Maria. “Bjorn has prepared everything in such a way that it would carry on, to ensure that what he has created would not stop with him.” She would not be drawn into what role she would take in the future, conceding only that she “would definitely be involved”.

For now, Maria will focus only on today.

Tomorrow is another day.

Fundraising for Dar Bjorn and ALS Malta Foundation dar bjorn is organising its most ambitious event so far on september 1 at pjazza san gorg, valletta – a free concert starring some of malta’s most popular singers and musicians. they have enlisted versatile brass alongside Christabelle, Ivan grech, new victorians, matthew james borg, amber, glen vella, brooke, pamela bezzina, Christian arding, martina, larissa and more, as well as dj fusion, featuring sound salon’s leX. the free concert starts at 7pm. donations will be collected during the night. meanwhile, dar bjorn at 308, triq il-kbira, Qormi, has an ongoing exhibition of paintings donated by artists. all proceeds from the sale of these go towards funding the house. no appointment is necessary to view the paintings. donations to als foundation can be sent by sms on 50618170 for €4.66, or 50619271 for €11.65. they may also be sent via online banking to als malta foundation on account number 4002365323-2; Iban: mt72vall22013000000040023653232; bIC: vallmtmt

Pink August 2018 ∫ 25

WOMENSWORLD

A WOMAN’S PLACE charlotte seymour and Katerina Karamallaki have brought an internationally renowned network to malta. Ladies, wine and design [Lw&d] has amassed tens of thousands of supporters and inspired meetings, lectures and conferences across the world, and now a small but steadily growing affiliate on our own island. LARA SIERRA attends… and talks to the women in the creative industry about the gender pay gap and what they’re doing to change it.

“She’s having a hissy fit.”

“She’s being bitchy.”

“She’s on her period.”

“Don’t you hate that last one?” chuckles Charlotte Seymour. She and her former colleague, Katerina Karamallaki, are talking about a network they’ve installed in Malta for women in creative industries.

They are describing scenarios of “everyday sexism” they have come across at the workplace. Although we are laughing, the implications of these comments are far from amusing.

“A very ambitious woman can be seen as cut-throat, or bitchy,” Katerina explains, “but a woman can be both soft and strong.

Charlotte Seymour and Katerina Karamallaki Being decisive doesn’t mean you’re having Photography: Jeremy Debattista a hissy fit, or you’re on your period.”

These untoward reactions are clear evidence that decisive women and women Wine and Design [LW&D], this network has amassed tens of in senior leadership roles are still few and far between. thousands of supporters and inspired meetings, lectures and “The percentages of women in the creative industry, or any industry, get smaller and smaller the higher up you go,” Katerina conferences across the world, and now a small but steadily continues. “Charlotte and I developed our friendship by growing affiliate on our own island.

Originally started by Jessica Walsh, creative director and partsupporting the challenges we faced together at work, and we ner at New York’s Sagmeister & Walsh, LW&D was born out of realised that other women might need space to support each other if they don’t have a woman at work to talk to. They might the cold realisation that the more successful she became in her industry, the more she was spoken down to, patronised and also want to meet each other to form creative collaborations.” trolled online. People were trying their very hardest to block her It was for this reason that Charlotte and Katerina brought an internationally renowned network to Malta. Entitled Ladies, career from moving up the ladder – men and women alike.

“A very Ambitious womAn cAn be seen As cut-throAt, or bitchy, but A womAn cAn be both soft And strong. being decisive doesn’t meAn you’re hAving A hissy fit, or you’re on your period” Pink August 2018 ∫ 27

WOMENSWORLD

Wining and designing…

“There is a big gap between women who are in the creative industry, perhaps as account managers or receptionists, or in HR, and women who are in director or CEO roles. The percentage of women gets smaller and smaller the higher up you go. I suppose people are not used to it, and male clients sometimes react differently to us when we are running a meeting or talking through a design. In comparison to our male colleagues, Charlotte and I saw there was a bit of a stigma attached to being a women in that position,” Katerina explains.

The top of the career ladder is still a heavily male-dominated space. Only three per cent of women in the creative industry are creative directors or in leadership positions. It’s the same across all industries: only five per cent of CEOs are female. When you consider also that 80 per cent of consumers are females, the ratio seems even more skewed. Perhaps you’re thinking, that’s probably because most women give up work to start a family, or they find it so difficult juggling work and life that they could never even contemplate that sort of position.

“We went to a career day for young girls here in Malta. The president was involved as well. We asked a lot of these girls what they want to be when they grow up, and most of them said an accountant. Very few said they wanted to work in a creative agency, and those who did stopped at designer. None of them said they wanted to run a company, or start their own business,” says Charlotte.

“Maybe they don’t know that this is an option for them,” Katerina ponders. “Is there not enough education? When I started out as a designer, I didn’t realise I could be a creative director; I didn’t know how to get there. I didn’t have the role models or guidance.”

Charlotte nods in agreement. “When I was told that I should have gone for a big title, I argued my case, asking why I was being offered this role because I wasn’t qualified enough!

One of my female managers spoke to me and said: ‘Are you crazy? Why are you turning down this job you’ve been offered?

They’re offering it to you because you deserve it!’

“Similarly,” she continues, “when I hire new female designers, their cover letters often downplay their skills even if their

“I NOTICE NOW THAT I COULD HAVE GONE FOR ROLES SOONER OR NEGOTIATED BETTER PROMOTIONS OR SALARIES WHICH I DID NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP OF. I HAVE OFTEN FELT UPSET WITH MYSELF ABOUT THIS” It’s more important to be a good mother to your kids, right?

But this is the crux of the matter: maybe it doesn’t have to be one or the other. If there were a few more women at the top, who have somehow already navigated this work/life minefield, then they could begin to set parameters for all other women who want to flourish in their career and not sacrifice time spent with their families. It’s possible, of course. Anything is possible. It just takes getting enough people together who are willing to find a solution.

Charlotte and Katerina discuss the need to raise girls with an understanding that they can achieve CEO positions, or be business owners if they so wish.

28 ∫ Pink August 2018

CV is amazing. Once they’re in the interview room, they’ll say: ‘I’m good at writing but I need to improve on Photoshop.’ Male candidates have no problem listing off their successes even if the woman is a better candidate.

“I notice now that I could have gone for roles sooner or negotiated better promotions or salaries which I did not take ownership of. I have often felt upset with myself about this.”

Both women are keen to emphasise that they do not believe women need to be more like men or vice versa, however. “I don’t think it’s about taking traits from males or females,” Charlotte emphasises, “but about recognising that a female may need to go away and think about things, while a man may

WOMENSWorLD

OVERCOMING CAREER HURDLES

be comfortable with making a decision on the spot. We don’t need to be more like a man or vice versa, but we do need to accept the differences between us and recognise that they can be beneficial to business”.

Katerina strongly emphasises equality and collaboration between men and women. “CEOs are predominantly still male, which makes me feel outnumbered at that particular level. It is a safe place for a male when it is predominantly male, and women need that safe space too. That is why we have created this space for women here in Malta.”

Charlotte agrees: “Until there is equality, we need to provide a network for women… helping them negotiate a pay rise, or having a mentor as a woman; discussing maternity, or going back to work after having children.”

That is still a difficulty in Malta, Katerina admits. “Maternity and paternity leave makes a difference in employment and it’s not fair on the women. It is illegal, but it happens.”

Charlotte continues: “When we look for new employers, I hear people comment a lot that: ‘Oh, she’s at that age; she’s going to be wanting some time off soon.’ It’s very easy to hear these difficulties and say: ‘No thank you, I want an easier life.’ We’ve both had negative experiences at the workplace and we don’t want young people to feel like this is going to happen to them.

It would be good to have a positive spin on that and we’re here to support them.”

Katerina maintains that “you can be a woman and soft and caring to your staff, but also direct, strong-minded and not be classified as a bitch. It is something I have had to learn – how to navigate having a strong opinion without appearing aggressive. This background conversation you have with yourself, which men don’t necessarily have, is important to air in a safe environment among other women.”

With that, Charlotte and Katerina head off to host their Ladies Wine and Design event. Women of all backgrounds and walks of life come in, some friends, some strangers, all excited, all smiling a little nervously, all brimming with talent and ambition.

“Right,” says Katerina. “Let’s get going!”

A former ‘Magic Circle’ lawyer, a Maltese woman living in London, whose name has been withheld because, sigh, we wouldn’t want it jeopardising her career, took time out from work to do an MBA, so that she could maintain a lucrative career that would not sacrifice evenings with her family.

MBA tucked firmly under her belt, she began working at a prestigious consulting firm, which has a policy that mothers returning from maternity leave could choose to work only on 60 per cent time.

After giving birth to a beautiful and smiling baby boy, she requested to take this 60 per cent option when she returned to work.

“My boss told me no one has ever actually taken that 60 per cent option because it means they won’t be able to get a promotion in the future,” she says.

“The hours I worked before often kept me up until midnight, but my son doesn’t sleep through the night yet, so I don’t see how I will manage going back full time. Someone suggested getting an overnight nanny, but I don’t want someone else raising my kids. I just want to be able to spend the evening with my son when he’s home from nursery, but that’s not possible at my level.

Should I have to take a junior level job because I am now a mother?”

CHARLOTTE AND KATERINA’S TOP TIPS ON HOW TO KEEP THE WORKPLACE FAIR [FOR MEN AND WOMEN!] • In a meeting, make sure to open the floor to both women and junior members of the team. Ask them whether they have any additional thoughts.

• Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

• Listen carefully to what the other person is saying; don’t formulate your response before they end their sentence.

• Avoid office gossip. We need to support and empower one another.

• Don’t suffer in silence. If there is something bothering you, speak to your manager or colleagues.

HOW TO NEGOTIATE A PAY RISE • Determine your worth! Do your research and get comfortable talking about it. No one will speak on your behalf.

• Prepare for rejection and think about what lies next if this happens.

• Share goals and ask for feedback on how you can improve in order to reach them.

• Practise before you negotiate; be calm and confident.

Find Ladies Wine & Design – Malta on Facebook.

Order A Good Time to Be a Girl by Helena Morrissey on Amazon for inspiration and advice on being a successful leader at the workplace.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 29

WOMANKIND

IN THE

act

From a child living a sheltered life, acting success transformed Fanny Kemble into a celebrity.

But MARY GALEA DEBONO finds that what distinguished her from the run-of-the-mill actresses of her time was her education and her gift for writing. Taken together, all her work is an invaluable source of information on the social history of the transitional era she lived in, which witnessed great upheavals.

F

anny Kemble belonged to a family that, for three generations, had had strong links with the London theatre scene. Besides producing some of the most renowned actors and actresses of the 19th century – Fanny’s aunt was the famous Sarah Siddons – the Kembles also had a financial stake in London’s two major theatres.

But her father, Charles, who was the manager/leading actor of Covent Garden, was to find out, to his distress, that the financial commitment to this theatre, which he had inherited from his brother, was to prove a heavy burden to be carried till he died.

In the 19th century, acting was not a very reputable profession although great players like David Garrick, William

Macready and Siddons, had somewhat mitigated this negative perception. Members of the upper classes, who made up the bulk of theatre audiences, opened their doors to the better-known actors, but their welcome did not extend beyond such social occasions.

Fanny’s parents, who were both actors, were well aware of the many pitfalls that a girl was likely to encounter if she pursued such a career and did nothing to entice their daughter to take it up seriously. They believed that only education, coupled with good moral standards, was the key to respectability and the passport to polite society.

Fanny was, moreover, a willful child, not easy to discipline, and it was important for her to be at school. So, at the age of seven, she found herself in France, first in a school in Bourgogne and later moved to another establishment run by an English woman in Paris.

Fanny herself was not keen on a stage career; as she confessed to her friend Harriet St Leger, she found acting “utterly distasteful” and she would have preferred to dedicate herself to creative writing. But circumstances decreed otherwise. By 1827, her father’s financial situation had become precarious.

Not only were theatre audiences dwindling, but Covent Garden itself had caught fire. In order to avoid paying a leading actress, her parents suggested she played the main parts.

“FANNY’S PARENTS, WHO WERE BOTH ACTORS, WERE WELL AWARE OF THE MANY PITFALLS THAT A GIRL WAS LIKELY TO ENCOUNTER IF SHE PURSUED SUCH A CAREER AND DID NOTHING TO ENTICE THEIR DAUGHTER TO TAKE IT UP SERIOUSLY. THEY BELIEVED THAT ONLY EDUCATION, COUPLED WITH GOOD MORAL STANDARDS, WAS THE KEY TO RESPECTABILITY AND THE PASSPORT TO POLITE SOCIETY” Charles put his daughter to the test by making her recite the part of Shakespeare’s Juliet in an empty theatre. She herself later admitted that, once on the stage, she was “completely carried away by the inspiration of the wonderful play”.

On October 5, 1829, after only three weeks of rehearsals, practically untrained but with obvious innate acting talents, she made her debut. Her theatre career was instantly launched. Although Fanny was not a beauty – she was rather short and stocky, and her complexion had been marred by smallpox – she immediately became the idol of the young men about town. From a child living a sheltered life, success transformed her into a celebrity. One of her admirers was Augustus FitzClarence, son of King William IV by his mistress.

When Covent Garden closed for the season, the Kemble father and daughter embarked on the usual provincial tour, which started in Bath and took them to Edinburgh, Glasgow and Dublin. Travelling by rail had only recently been introduced and this made moving from one city to another with all the necessary stage costumes not only quicker but also less exhausting. But acting in different theatres was still challenging because it meant confronting new actors and unfamiliar theatres. Chaperoned by her Aunt Dall to shield Pink August 2018 ∫ 31

WOMANKIND her from any temptations a young girl was likely to encounter in this milieu, for Fanny the tour was a totally new and exciting experience.

Besides appearing on stage, Fanny also acted in private theatricals. These took place in the drawing rooms of aristocratic houses and were a popular form of entertainment.

They gave her the added satisfaction of being received and accepted in these circles.

Unfortunately, the debts at Covent Garden continued to mount, and in 1832, Charles decided to give up the management of the theatre and to try his luck in America to resolve the situation. His daughter was to accompany him as leading actress. Fanny was not very enthusiastic, but she felt it her duty to help her father. Together with Aunt Dall, they set out on a two-year acting tour, which turned out to be not only a financial success but also a personal triumph for Fanny. In America, as in England, young men fell victim to her charms.

But unlike her aunt Sarah, Fanny’s fame does not rest solely on her theatrical career. One factor that places her apart from the run-of-the-mill actresses of her time was her education and her gift of writing. By 1827, she had written and submitted to publishers her first play, Francis I, which was not only accepted but also handsomely remunerated.

Writing remained her passion till the end; her last work was a novel Far Away and Long Ago, which she wrote when she was 80.

“FANNY HAD NEVER LOOKED FORWARD TO MARRIAGE, AND THIS ATTITUDE IN ITSELF WAS MOST UNTYPICAL OF WOMEN OF HER AGE, FOR WHOM A GOOD MATCH WAS THE MAIN GOAL IN LIFE. IN THIS RESPECT TOO, SHE WAS A WOMAN AHEAD OF HER TIMES” Fanny was a compulsive letter writer. Her lifetime friend, who was 12 years older than her, returned her letters to her before she died to make sure they did not fall into the wrong hands. They later formed the basis of her book Recollections.

She kept meticulous diaries, although the sale and publication of her American Journal – a scathing attack on the American way of life, which provoked outrage, offended many people and embarrassed her husband – was a disastrous decision.

Between 1878 and 1890, she published three memoirs in which she recorded three different stages of her life. Taken together, all this material is to this day an invaluable source of information for the study of the social history of this transitional era, which witnessed such great upheavals.

In 1832, when Fanny was on her tour in America, one of her many admirers was a certain Pierce Butler, a young man from one of the leading families of Philadelphia, who persistently showed interest in her and asked her to marry him.

Until then, Fanny had never felt herself suited for marriage.

In one letter to her friend, she had confessed: “You know that independence of mind and body seems to me the great desideratum of life; I am not patient of restraint or submission… I do not think I am fit to marry, to make an obedient wife or affectionate mother…”

But with Pierce, she felt sufficiently in love to take the step and to accept his proposal. They were married in 1834. As one of her biographers, Dorothy Marshall, comments: “Fanny at 19 was wiser than Fanny at 24.”

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Before her meeting with Pierce, Fanny had never looked forward to marriage, and this attitude in itself was most untypical of women of her age, for whom a good match was the main goal in life. In this respect too, she was a woman ahead of her times. Her marriage, in fact, gave her a sense of entrapment, and although she appreciated the freedom from the profession, which, as she put it, “had always been irksome” to her, she resented the idea that, financially, she depended on someone else. Although this concept of feminism is now acceptable, in the existing framework, it was a disastrous approach to married life.

To make matters worse, Fanny was homesick in America.

It was not just her family that she missed. America was for her an intellectual desert and lacked the refinements of a civilised society. She may not have been exactly a likeable person; uncomfortably honest, strong-willed and temperamental. With a sharp tongue that often bordered on insolence, she was not an easy person to live with. All this added to her sense of isolation. The marriage suffered from the start.

But what ultimately proved to be the greatest strain on this relationship was her visit in the winter of 1838-1839 to the plantations that the Butler family owned in Georgia and from which they made their comfortable living. Fanny, who had strong moral and ethical values to which she fiercely adhered, was shocked by what she witnessed. The Butlers were not bad in their dealings with slaves, but for Fanny, who believed that all human beings are equal and that the

THINKPi Cars & Beau

aspiration to freedom is inherent in everyone, found the situation intolerable.

“How new and how sad a chapter of my life this winter has been,” was her verdict. She attempted to change things by introducing a campaign of cleanliness and tried to deal with individual cases of hardship, but she realised that the system required much more than she could achieve singlehandedly. Her frustration and sadness increased. The rift between her and Pierce became unbridgeable.

Fanny recorded this bitter experience in her Journal of a Residence in a Georgian Plantation; in 2000, this became the basis for the American television film Enslavement, starring Jane Seymour as Fanny.

A visit to England healed their differences for a time, but it soon became clear that they were incompatible on some very fundamental issues, starting from diametrically opposed concepts of the roles of husband and wife in a marriage relationship. When things did not work out her way, Fanny was quick to pack her bags and threaten to leave – unacceptable behaviour in her time. Fanny’s determination to go her own way and her inflexibility did the rest.

At first, the Butlers opted to live separately with their two daughters, who not surprisingly became pawns in their parents’ litigations, staying with their father while the mother was given limited access. Later, Pierce started divorce proceedings on the grounds of willful desertion.

Neither Pierce nor Fanny ever remarried.

Fanny returned to England where she became Fanny Kemble again and built a new life for herself. She took up acting, which made her financially independent, but her theatre tours, although successful, were tiring and she found a novel way of earning money by public reading, usually of Shakespeare’s plays, mostly for guests at house parties. This was a very popular form of entertainment, often accompanied by music, which Fanny considered more dignified. Moreover, she used some of the money she earned to contribute to the upkeep of her brother’s illegitimate son.

In London, she was soon established in the social whirl, being also a brilliant conversationalist. Her writing and contributions to magazines of articles based on her reminiscences helped her to establish a good reputation and earned her the admiration of the intellectual elite. She continued to travel, returning from time to time to America to see her daughters and visiting her sister in Italy.

Time brought with it the desired changes: Fanny matured and became more mellow; a happy and easy relationship was resumed with her daughters; slavery was abolished.

She died peacefully in January,1893.

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For that feel-good factor, here are Pink’s four fantastic finds…

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1 ELECTRIC MOBILITY IS SMART The smart eQ makes opting for electric mobility more attractive than ever because it combines the agility and style of the smart car with emission-free driving. The smart eQ has a driving range of approximately 160km from a full battery charge [Malta is only 27km long]. smart’s eQ models qualify for the government’s electric grant of €6,000, which lowers the smart eQ fortwo starting cost to €20,700 and smart eQ forfour to €21,700. electric mobility is fun, radical, simple and ideal for our islands. Book a test drive on www.autosales.com.mt/brand/smart or by visiting the smart showroom at Kind’s – auto sales Ltd.

2 IDEAL FAMILY CAR The Ford Kuga is a strong-selling, mid-size suV and a weighty model for Ford. No doubt the car is fun to drive and extremely practical and, with smaller engines, impressively fuel-efficient. Ford has given the Kuga a much-needed sophisticated makeover: there’s an all-new interior, updated infotainment system and slick new design, alongside new safety features for family-orientated buyers. it has all the features you’d need in a car like this, including both assistive and in-car technology. Visit the GasanZammit showroom in Mriehel and take the opportunity to test drive the Ford Kuga.

3 ADVANCED NATURAL FORMULATIONS Korres is a Greek skincare brand combining science, innovation and nature to create advanced natural formulations that deliver maximum results. Korres’ Golden Krocus is a precious golden serum infused with one-day fresh Greek saffron to universally correct all signs of ageing. it lifts, strengthens, smoothes, plumps and brightens the skin, while reducing the appearance of wrinkles. This powerful booster is for all skin types and concerns. experience a few golden drops daily for ageless, youthful, glowing skin. Korres is now in Malta and exclusively available in all remedies Pharmacies in sliema, Ta’ Xbiex, Birkirkara, siggiewi and Mellieha. Find Korres Malta on Facebook and instagram.

4 WOODY, AROMATIC AND LEATHERY Jimmy Choo Man Blue is a woody, aromatic, leathery fragrance, boasting top notes of clary sage to strike a balance between freshness and refined texture. The tonic transparency of bergamot brings a breath of fresh air and contrasts with the spicy warmth of black pepper. The intense texture of leather reveals itself in the heart of the fragrance, assuming an extreme masculinity enhanced by the urban elegance of grey amber and the vegetal woody facets of cypress. Jimmy Choo fragrances are exclusively distributed by Chemimart. Call on 2149 2212.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 33

SHOWSTOPPER Playsuit, Mango.

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SHOWSTOPPER

FULL OF CHARACTER PRESERVE YOUR PERSONALITY AND PROJECT IT WITH THESE KEY LOOKS.

Photography Kurt Paris Styling Marisa Grima [marisagrima.com] Hair Dominic Bartolo @ Dreads Hairdressing Make-up Rachel Borg, using Revlon Model Gabriella @ Supernova MM *Most items are on sale.

Dress; scarf; bag, all Noos.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 35

SHOWSTOPPER

Jacket; trousers; scarf [worn as top]; shoes, all Orsay.

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SHOWSTOPPER Bikini top; bikini pants [sold separately], both M&Co ∫ blazer, Mango ∫ boots, Orsay.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 37

SHOWSTOPPER

Scarf top, M&Co ∫ bikini, Marks & Spencer ∫ jeans, Mango ∫ sunglasses, Noos ∫ shoes, model’s own.

38 ∫ Pink August 2018

SHOWSTOPPER Bikini top; bikini pants [sold separately], both Marks & Spencer.

Pink August 2018 âˆŤ 39

SHOWSTOPPER Dress; belt, both Oltre ∫ bag; shoes, both Mango.

40 ∫ Pink August 2018

SHOWSTOPPER Coat; bag; bikini top; jeans, all Marks & Spencer ∫ shoes, Orsay.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 41

ONFORM

BEING THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF Award-winning bikini model Leanne Bartolo speaks to ANNA MARIE GALEA about how she juggles life as a primary school teacher with her own gym, and how she practically fell into this line, representing Malta and even winning this year’s World Fitness Federation European Championships in Germany.

S

hy but smiley, Leanne Bartolo has an extremely strong presence that she herself does not seem to be altogether aware of. Yet despite her seemingly introverted exterior, she is a powerhouse of energy, apart from the winner of the 2017 WFF Malta Bikini Model Award, which has led to her recent first place at the European Championships in Germany.

“From a very young age, I was always running and racing against boys. I would get home from school and be full of energy, so I would run in the fields around my house with my younger sister and brother. I wasn’t social at all, but when it came to sports, I could really be myself.

“Sports was a means of escape for me; the moment I stopped participating, I would just retreat into my shell. My mum and dad were very busy raising my siblings and I, and they didn’t really have time to take me to lessons. But the minute I turned 16, I was able to take the bus and start

“SPORTS WAS A MEANS OF ESCAPE FOR ME; THE MOMENT I STOPPED PARTICIPATING, I WOULD JUST RETREAT INTO MY SHELL” gymnastics, which I used to pay for from my own pocket money. I ended up winning a lot of prizes and no one believed that I hadn’t had any formal training before.”

Leanne’s natural aptitude towards everything athletic saw her became a gymnastics coach a few years after she herself had started training: “A few years after I started training, I achieved

a diploma in Level 4 Coaching with Semmelweis University. It wasn’t easy to juggle coaching with doing a degree at university, but somehow, I managed.

I coached for 10 whole years, but eventually, I felt I had to do something else and get out of my comfort zone.”

Quietly resilient, Leanne knew that she wanted to keep working in the sports industry that had given her so Pink August 2018 ∫ 43

ONFORM much personal strength, and so she found new ways to be active: “I started giving free fitness classes to raise money for the Ursuline Sisters. I was on a constant quest for improvement, so I signed up for a number of courses related to instructing, nutrition and fitness. The thing was that I felt like I was always doing things for others, but although it took me time to build enough confidence to do something for myself, I got there in the end.”

One of Leanne’s early dreams had been to take part in a fitness shoot, however, due to one thing or another, she just never went for it… till one day, she took the plunge: “My friends had been encouraging me to go to a nutritionist for a long time as they felt she would motivate and guide me to look my best for the shoot. In fact, the initial plan was to just visit the nutritionist and get the shoot done to boost my confidence.

“The nutritionist took one look at me and told me that I should participate in a fitness competition.

At first, I laughed it off and refused, but after numerous attempts to convince me, she just went behind my back and paid my competition entry fee. After that, I felt like I had no choice except to compete.”

Speaking about her experience, Leanne can’t quite process everything even now: “I had just seven weeks to get myself into the shape needed for such a competition. I had never done anything like this before. I’ve never been one of those girls who even liked getting dressed up, so the thought of going on stage in heels and a bikini was something very scary to me. But I turned that fear into motivation and I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to participate except my mother and my boyfriend.

“I was totally green and lost when compared to the other competitors because it was all new to me, but despite this, I was actually placed first in the bikini category and represented Malta in the WFF World Championship held less than a month later in Croatia.

I actually placed third in the bikini category there, which was a pleasant surprise. Now, I’ve just represented Malta for the second time in the WFF 44 ∫ Pink August 2018

“I’VE NEVER BEEN ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO EVEN LIKED GETTING DRESSED UP, SO THE THOUGHT OF GOING ON STAGE IN HEELS AND A BIKINI WAS SOMETHING VERY SCARY TO ME” European Championships in Germany, and I actually won the bikini contest title; it’s been an amazing ride.”

If all that wasn’t enough for someone to have on their plate, Leanne has also opened her own fitness studio in Gzira called Warehouse: “It was always my dream to open a fitness studio so that I could be truly hands-on in motivating others. My boyfriend and I spent months staying in and spending every free moment we had doing it up, and now we hold functional training classes, corrective training classes, boxercise and other high-in-cardio options. I just want to help others to be the best version of themselves.”

Always ready to help and motivate others, Leanne uses her own

experiences to push them out of their comfort zone: “You have to get out of your comfort zone in order to be able to achieve. And there is nothing more priceless than making the people around you proud of you. Sometimes, we have people walking into the studio and we can see that they are struggling with an inner panic. But panic won’t get you very far in life.

“It’s never too late to start getting healthy; you just have to believe in your own capabilities. I learnt this the hard way; I put myself down for the longest time, but then one day, I just realised it is us who are in control of our own destiny. You are in charge of your life and your body, so treat them well.”

INTHEPINK

THE DEEP TRUTH ABOUT DROWNING

T

he 2002 film The Hours shows a dark and dreary scene of Virginia Woolf, following years of depression, lining her pockets with rocks and steadily walking into the cold river of Sussex where she drowned herself.

Literature is filled with characters meeting their end in a watery grave, however, the reality of drowning is far from the dark, romantic picture created in these stories. It is a painful death and can happen in the blink of an eye.

Summer in Malta brings with it long, leisurely days by the sea, or a pool, however, with the increased access to water, there also comes the increased risk of drowning. The World Health Organisation [WHO] estimates that an average of 370,000 deaths every year are the result of drowning, making it the third leading cause of accidental death worldwide.

Though people from low- and middleincome countries are at higher risk [these account for 90 per cent of global statistics], the risk of drowning is ever present on an island surrounded by the sea. Locally, drowning accounts for an average of five in 118 accidental deaths

every year. When you consider that the average number of deaths from road accidents is 15 a year, it is easy to see how safety by the water is not something we should ignore.

As with any accident, prevention is better than cure and understanding risk factors and how to minimise them will lead to a safer summer. However, accidents are just that – accidental and can happen at any time. Knowing what to do in the event of an emergency can be the difference between life and death.

Everyone hopes that, should they get themselves into a state of emergency, there will be someone close by who has been trained in emergency response.

RACHEL ZAMMIT CUTAJAR finds that the near drowning of a young girl at a water park earlier this summer has highlighted the need for more people to learn the important techniques that could save a life.

jumped into action when she heard all the commotion and people shouting: “The girl is dead! The girl is dead!”

Claire recalls the moment it all happened. “I leapt to my feet and when I saw the unconscious girl, with her eyes staring into nowhere, I felt her pulse and noticed there was no pulse at all. In a flash, my friend Alison [Tabone Mirasole] and I started administering CPR. After a few minutes, the girl started coming to.”

Unlike what television shows and movies like Baywatch would have you

“LOCALLY, DROWNING ACCOUNTS FOR AN AVERAGE OF FIVE IN 118 ACCIDENTAL DEATHS EVERY YEAR. WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF DEATHS FROM ROAD ACCIDENTS IS 15 A YEAR, IT IS EASY TO SEE HOW SAFETY BY THE WATER IS NOT SOMETHING WE SHOULD IGNORE” Never has this been clearer than that fateful afternoon when a four-year-old girl got into difficulty and became unresponsive at Splash & Fun Water Park on June 23 earlier this summer. The child was fortunate enough that there was an experienced nurse enjoying the day with her own daughter by the pool.

Claire Catanzaro, a qualified nurse,

believe, drowning is not usually as evident as people thrashing around in the water and calling for help. Identifying a person in a state of emergency is not always easy as was the case when 31year-old Jeremy Moody drowned at a party in 1985, where 200 lifeguards were celebrating a summer in which no one had drowned in any of the New Orleans Pink August 2018 ∫ 47

INTHEPINK pools. Despite being surrounded by lifeguards, four of who were on active duty, the man was only pulled out of the pool as people started to leave the party.

WHAT DOES REAL DROWNING LOOK LIKE? Typically, real-life drowning is a silent act when the mouth of the victim dips below the surface of the water. This could be in deep thrashing seas, or even in just a few inches of water in a paddling pool, where the person is unable to bring their face above the surface.

Once the person in trouble cannot hold their initial breath any longer, they start to hyperventilate and aspirate water. This triggers laryngospasm, where the vocal chords spasm, blocking airways and protecting lungs, but preventing any calls for help. As oxygen levels start to fall, hypoxia occurs as not enough oxygen reaches bodily tissues and the victim loses consciousness, resulting in a relaxation of the airways, allowing the lungs to fill with water.

The level of damage depends on how long the person goes without air. A 2013 study found that the probability of surviving without any damage is very low when the person has been submerged in water for longer than 10 minutes.

WHAT TO DO IN AN EMERGENCY Though people have an innate wish to help a person in trouble, wanting to help is not enough. Trevor Abela Fiorentino, lecturer in nursing at the University of Malta, says that knowing what to do in a state of emergency can save lives.

The first thing do is to call emergency services on 112 and make sure an ambulance is on its way in serious cases.

Once it has been determined that it is safe for someone to help, the victim should be removed from the water where three things need to be determined: is the victim responsive; are they breathing; and are they breathing with difficulty?

Course of action depends on the answers to these questions. Trevor explains: “The most serious instance would be when the victim is not responsive and not breathing, in which case first-aiders need to perform CPR. When the victims are unresponsive but breathing, it is always advisable to position them on the side, in what is called the recovery position.

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“FIRST-AID TECHNIQUES ARE EASY TO LEARN AND CAN BE LEARNT BY ANY PERSON OF ANY AGE AND ANY BACKGROUND” “If the victims are responsive but breathing with difficulty, the best would be to position them in a semi-seated position with the back supported to facilitate breathing. The exception in this case is if the victims develop signs of shock, i.e. feel faint and look seriously unwell, in which case the best option would be to put them on their back on a flat surface, not an inclination. It is not uncommon for individuals who experience a drowning incident to develop signs of shock.”

In the movies, it is common to see drowning victims throwing up water and then coming to, leading people to believe that is so important to expel water. Trevor says that this is a misconception, and though sometimes people do swallow water and throw up, the quantity of water in the lungs is not as much as you’d expect.

“Attempting to remove water from the body only wastes time from the interventions that really make a difference. Not knowing what needs to be done is already an issue in itself, and doing things that are not indicated might endanger or make the situation worse.”

Trevor stresses the importance of seeking emergency medical services even once the victim returns to consciousness and is breathing normally as only trained Emergency Department staff will be able to provide further assessment and definitive treatment.

“One needs to keep in mind that signs and symptoms of some complications do take time to develop.

Needless to say, when in doubt, one should always err on the side of caution and seek medical advice.”

ARE WE PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO FIRST-AID TRAINING? The young girl involved in the accident at Splash & Fun was lucky enough to have an experienced nurse present when she needed help. However, those initial moments of care need not be carried out by a healthcare professional and can be carried out by any person with first-aid training.

It is reassuring that beaches are being patrolled by lifeguards, and emergency first responders are present at many beaches throughout Malta during the summer. However, Trevor stresses that drowning may occur anywhere, and the number of people trained in first aid could never be enough.

“The Malta Health Students’ Association, among others, has been doing a lot of work to encourage the introduction of first aid in school curricula, and that is something very important,” he insists.

Course coordinator at the Malta Red Cross, Shaun Mawdfley, reiterates the same point. He says that the courses offered by the Malta Red Cross occur very regularly throughout the year and are attended

INTHEPINK mostly by people whose employers require some sort of first-aid training, as well as members of the public, who have become aware of the importance of knowing what to do in an emergency.

However, when asked whether he thinks the local population as a whole has sufficient training, he stresses that it is never enough.

“Although people have their own reasons for following our courses – be it a pre-requisite at their place of work or something they have seen in the media that sparks interest in a basic first-aid course – accidents happen everywhere and at any time, and being properly trained is the only way you can really be prepared for the future.”

Though real-life situations are hugely different from the controlled environment of a classroom, the courses provide attendees with a systematic, step-by-step framework, which they can follow in the event of an emergency.

First-aid techniques are easy to learn and can be learnt by any person of any age and any background.

PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE Understanding risk factors and what to do to reduce them is paramount to safety around water. The WHO states that people who are at most risk of drowning are children aged between one and four, accounting for most global deaths from drowning.

Gender is also a risk factor, with males being at an especially high risk.

This is due to the fact that men tend to take on more risky behaviour while close to water, including swimming alone and drinking alcohol before swimming.

Creating awareness is the best way to avoid emergency situations in the water. The Department of Nursing at the University of Malta organised a public talk last month, entitled Drowning: The Dos and Don’ts, in response to the number of drowning incidents already recorded despite it being so early in the summer.

Trevor says “awareness is still very limited. Even worse, there are some serious misconceptions about drowning that are still prevalent. These can seriously influence the decisions one makes in an emergency, and possibly also affect chances of survival.”

Attended by 35 individuals, including nurses, students, divers and parents, the informal talk held at the university covered factual information, including local statistics as well as what happens when someone is drowning, what it feels like, the best response, as well as the importance of CPR and first-aid training.

“We do believe that in addition to our teaching and research commitments, it is our role and responsibility as academics to also keep the community informed with the latest knowledge and developments. So there will definitely be more public talks and events in the future,” Trevor says.

Become a first-aider Knowing what to do in an emergency can mean the difference between life and death for family members, colleagues, or even strangers. General first-aid courses are offered very regularly all over the island. though they differ from one provider to another, each one covers the most important topics, namely cPr, unresponsiveness, choking, serious bleeding, stroke, chest pain and difficulty in breathing. this is where you can gain the skills required to save a life: Malta Red Cross 104, st Ursula street, Valletta www.redcross.org.mt St John’s Association 5, independence square, Valletta www.stjohnmalta.org International Safety Training College [ISTC] Hal far road, Hal far www.istcollege.com.mt Emergency Fire and Rescue Unit [EFRU] c/o the Humanitarian aid section, shipwright Wharf, Paola www.efru.org Soteria Ltd soteria Buildings, dawret Hal Ghaxaq, Ghaxaq www.soteria.com.mt Special Rescue Group – St Lazarus Corps 60, triq il-fortizza, Pembroke www.maltacvs.org

TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER AND BECOME A NURSE everyone wishes they could respond to an emergency with the calm and poise shown by claire at splash & fun. though she has 14 years of experience working as a nurse, 11 of those working with children, this is the first time she has ever had to administer first aid outside a working environment. “this episode has marked me forever. the first four nights, i could not sleep well, as i was reliving the whole experience every time,” she says. it only takes three minutes to save a life and claire is grateful that she was able to keep her cool and act in a way that did so. “it would have made me feel guilty if i didn’t react as i did.”

Her career in nursing brings great satisfaction. even though she spends her days dealing with the hardship young children and their families go through while battling rare diseases, some of which are terminal, being able to help put a smile on these young faces is what drives her.

“We try our best to get the kids to see us not just as nurses. i always believed that fun activities, aiming to put a smile on these kids’ faces, are part of the therapy,” she says.

“it only taKes tHree minUtes to saVe a life and claire is GratefUl tHat sHe Was aBle to KeeP Her cool and act in a Way tHat did so” a career in nursing is not limited to the hospital-bound profession that people believe it to be. in today’s world, nurses work in varying contexts from direct clinical care in wards, to nurse-led community clinics and services, and also at strategic levels, in health promotion, healthcare research, academia etc… about 150 new nurses have just graduated from the University of malta, with 700 more students in the various courses, ranging from a university higher diploma to doctoral programmes, offered by the department of nursing. a number of pre-registration programmes are available for prospective applicants with varying entry requirements and backgrounds, among which is the three-year full-time Bsc [Hons] course in nursing, and from this year, its part-time equivalent for those who cannot commit to full-time studies. courses are a 50:50 mix of academic education, practical and clinical teaching, with methods ranging from face-to-face lectures, online teaching, laboratory simulation and supervised clinical practice in wards. the department also offers a number of post-registration courses for registered nurses who either wish to develop their clinical practice through the professional development short courses, or to advance their academic education through the msc and Phd programmes.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 49

PINKSHRINK

FROM ADORING TO ABUSING YOUR PARENTS Dott. EDWARD CURMI tries to understand what could drive children to abuse their parents and how this can be reduced.

I

t is natural for kids to be in conflict with their parents.

As they start growing up, they develop a strong need for independence and individuality.

Unfortunately, at times, throughout this transition period, children may resort to the use of physical and mental abuse on their parents.

So why would they do this to them?

And are there any attitudes parents may adopt to try and prevent such negative behaviour?

HOW DO CHILDREN MOVE FROM ADORING TO ABUSING THEIR PARENTS? Most studies seem to indicate that parental abuse tends to thrive especially in households where one or both parents are weak. Parents should always be the ones holding authority.

Sometimes, for a number of reasons, one or both parents may choose to take a softer approach in the upbringing of their child. When parents allow their children’s needs to override their own, apart from inverting their roles, they are possibly creating a recipe for disaster.

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Another factor closely linked to this is when parents make a conscious effort to befriend their children in the hope that this might make them much closer to them. Such a parental approach is not encouraged by professionals as it often clouds a child’s judgement of authority.

For a child, a friend is not someone who sets the rules and regulations and tells them how to act and behave around others. Parents own that role, and as much as it is important to be close to our children and listen to them, we also need to set our boundaries and create the rules.

parent, especially when their dad or mum act out in the same manner.

Parents need to be responsible and understand that the chances are their child is going to absorb that chaos and one day project it back on to them.

Parental abuse may also be a result of certain biological changes going on in adolescents as they are growing up.

Apart from the obvious powerful hormones being secreted in the brain, there are a number of changes going on in the actual brain.

If one takes the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s highest level that is involved in reasoning, decision-making and selfcontrol, it matures much later than the amygdala, which is the main structure involved in the emotion of the brain.

This incongruence may often lead to more aggressive and risk-taking behaviour, which often could be projected onto the parent.

Mood swings become the order of the day and parents may start feeling that their cute little son or daughter is turning into a monster. The truth of the matter is that the development of the brain may often result in some nasty inexplicable behaviour in children, which, it is hoped will settle with time and allow that person to become more rational.

On these same lines, pioneer psychologist Eric Erikson talks about a very challenging developmental stage better known as identity vs identity confusion. In this phase, kids may go through a self-destructive stage, which involves drug and alcohol abuse. Their anxiety often becomes severe and they may often act out with their parents.

Could this be another explanation for parent abuse?

“BEING A PARENT REQUIRES A STRONG SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND NOT NECESSARILY ALWAYS BEING SEEN IN A POSITIVE LIGHT BY OUR CHILDREN” A number of studies indicate that parental abuse often stems from children who do not know how to tell the difference between a friend and a parent.

When children experience domestic violence on a regular basis, they are bound to be affected by it. As traumatic as it may be, sometimes, such negative experiences may play a role in allowing children to assume it is OK to hit a

ATTITUDES PARENTS MAY ADOPT TO REDUCE ABUSE Don’t give in – Giving in is never the right message to our children.

Negotiating is an art in itself and a fantastic lesson to teach them. Finding the middle road between our needs and those of our child is a recommended attitude.

PARENTINGTIPS Aggression is never the answer – As parents, we are constantly being watched by our children. They ‘mirror’ our behaviour, and if we choose to be aggressive, the chances are that, as they grow up, they will imitate our positive and negative behaviour.

DESERVING VICTIMS?

Remind yourself that you are authority – It is essential that we remind ourselves that, as parents, we are in charge. Being a parent requires a strong sense of responsibility and not necessarily always being seen in a positive light by our children.

Set an example – Arguments are pretty normal in a family, especially between a couple. However, how we choose to handle such conflict with one another will probably reflect how our children will handle conflict in the near future.

Work as a team – It is essential that parents send a clear message to their children without any mixed messages.

To do this we need to think and act around our children as a team. Even when couples choose not to remain together, they still need to support one another as the chances are that the children will know exactly how to rub them the wrong way.

Keep your cool – Whatever happens, always try your best not to lose your cool. Let’s not forget words hurt as much as physical pain. If our children listen to or watch aggressive behaviour, expect them to resort to such negative behaviour with you in the near future.

Talk to them about limitations – Boundaries and rules are a healthy part of life. They give us more structure and allow us to function better in society. Teaching our children such values only allows them to live a more realistic life without building too many high expectations about themselves.

Dott. Edward Curmi is a registered clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and author of the book Common Sense: a Better Understanding of Emotional Well-being, and its sequel More Common Sense: a Better Understanding of Emotional Well-being, available from Agenda Bookshops.

It’s OK to not like your child; to be scared of your child, says educational and child psychologist Dr STEPHANIE SATARIANO, who delves into parent abuse at the hands of their kids and how they can cope.

C

an children be abusive towards their parents? Is it really abuse? But it’s the parents fault, right? They should have brought up their children better!

Not necessarily… Parental abuse is a real thing; most parents experiencing it suffer in silence because of the judgement they receive from others, and the shame associated with a child’s behaviour. Society, as a whole, has likely contributed to the sense that parents are in some way ‘deserving victims’ and, therefore, attract less sympathy and support in comparison to others who experience family abuse.

But the effects on the parents and the whole family are profound. In the short term, research has found that it will impact on a parent’s [and other family members’] physical and psychological health, with all experiencing a range of negative and damaging emotions.

And what about the child? Yes, the abuse they inflict is also detrimental to their psychological and physical health. They may experience helplessness and isolation, and in the long term, they are likely to inflict the abuse on others too.

SO, AS PARENTS, WHAT CAN YOU DO TO COPE WITH THIS? Accept that it’s OK to experience negative emotions towards your child; acceptance of this will help you get the help you need and seek the help they need. It’s OK to not like your

child; to be scared of your child…

Feel no shame in that.

But it’s also OK to still love your children and want to protect them, while not agreeing with what they’re doing and seeing their actions as wrong, even though these two such contradictory emotions must be terrifying for parents.

Remember, allowing them to engage in the abusive behaviour and repeat the patterns and cycles is not doing them – or you – any good.

SPEAK UP! As hard as it may be, go and get help from friends, family and community services, such as domestic abuse organisations. You may even need to get help from the police, especially if you fear for your and others’ safety.

One of our roles as parents is to teach children the consequences of their behaviour to prepare them for life and to be functional members of society. Protecting them from the consequences of their behaviour is unconsciously telling them that it’s OK to do what they are doing.

By trying to stop them and make them realise the impact of what they are doing, your words and actions are in synchrony, which makes the message even more powerful.

Getting them the proper help and support, and making them face the consequences, is not the easy choice – it is the hardest choice. But probably the best.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 51

THINKPINK FASHION

THE PERFECT MATCH Edwards Lowell’s luxury jewellery and timepieces were the perfect match for Tahlia by Carla Grima at an event held at the chic and newly refurbished Phoenicia Hotel in Valletta. Edwards Lowell handpicked each item showcased on the night to complement every aspect of the collection. Keeping in mind the sea theme that is very close to the brand’s heart, Edwards Lowell accessorised the models in high-end luxury pearls from Schoeffel, and to build on the theme, a selection of watches and striking jewellery containing diamonds and mother-ofpearl could be admired in another section of the venue. Known for its beautiful lustre, mother-of-pearl is not only the material found on a shell’s inner layer, but it also makes up the outer coating of pearls and is what gives them the iridescent quality for which they are so admired.

Pearls are not only unique to the jewellery-making world for their various qualities, but they are also as versatile as diamonds when it comes to wearability. Edwards Lowell source their pearls from Schoeffel, who have an impeccable reputation that dates back 97 years, and handpick each and every piece that goes into their shop from the Basel fair every spring. Apart from paying special attention to the shape, which is extremely important, Edwards Lowell look at each piece to find those with the finest colours, the least imperfections and the most beautiful lustre. In addition to the jaw-dropping pearls and mother-ofpearl pieces, Edwards Lowell also showed off their Chopard Happy Diamonds collection, which is timeless while being playful. What makes this collection stand out from the rest is the way the diamonds dance and twirl in unison with the wearer’s own movements as if they were an extension of the person. No Edwards Lowell showcase would be complete without a Rolex: on show was a stunning confection of steel and white gold, designed to set the most discerning girl’s heart on fire.

Photography Justin Ciappara

WOMENONWHEELS

HELLO HYBRID! This was TV personality TEZARA EVE CAMILLERI’s first experience with a hybrid car and she certainly hopes it won’t be her last, although she admits the photographer on this test drive would probably beg to differ.

I

must admit, reviewing the New Toyota Auris was quite a funny experience. I was given the same photographer I had for my very first test drive. Do you guys remember when I wrote the article about my little adventure with a manual car after being so used to driving an automatic? Well, if you did, he surely didn’t.

I spent the whole trip driving as though I was back in my ex-motoring school car, incidentally also a Toyota, with my teacher, or worse, examiner, eyeing my every move to make sure he had grounds to refrain from granting me my driver’s licence.

I was out to prove to Jonathan Borg, better known as Zigli, that I had gotten so much better from our last encounter.

But I wasn’t off to a very good start. When we got into the car, I did the usual prep before driving off; you know, adjusted my seat and mirrors, turned on the engine and put the handbrake down; but this car went from on… to extremely silent.

I kept telling Zigli: “But this car is off !

I can’t hear it!” Until I discovered the car is a hybrid, and thus, super silent. I remember watching an advert for the

Toyota hybrid range where the car was driving around a library and an art gallery without anybody noticing. Of course, it was exaggerated for the sake of the advert, but I was truly impressed by how quiet it is when I experienced it first-hand.

Apart from it being quite noiseless, a hybrid car features a small fuel-efficient gas engine combined with an electric motor that assists the engine when accelerating. The electric motor is powered by batteries that recharge automatically while you drive.

The Auris has a tried-and-tested-byme feature called Lane Departure Alert.

I made it bleep a few times; my photographer wasn’t impressed… Oops.

However, Zigli was happy to learn that the car has a Pre-Collision System, which automatically swerves the steering wheel and also automatically brakes to help prevent accidents, and potential law suits, with pedestrians.

Joking aside, it’s pretty cool, as are the Intelligent Park Assist feature and the Reversing Camera. In case I needed reminding of the extra carbs I decided to consume and didn’t burn off, it comes with tyre pressure warning too.

Although the model I drove is a hybrid, the New Toyota Auris is also available in petrol. I do believe that, in the long run,

“I REMEMBER WATCHING AN ADVERT FOR THE TOYOTA HYBRID RANGE WHERE THE CAR WAS DRIVING AROUND A LIBRARY AND AN ART GALLERY WITHOUT ANYBODY NOTICING” The New Toyota Auris is available in a selection of different colours and bi-tones and has 16-inch alloy wheels, but also the option to upgrade to 17-inch black machined face alloy wheels. Speaking of inches, it comes with a 4.2-inch coloured TFT screen, Go navigation system and has Toyota Touch 2 with CD, FM [XFM 100.2 in particular], DAB, Bluetooth, USB, AUX and not four but six speakers!

a hybrid would be a better choice though and we can’t deny that it is the way forward. Toyota hybrid cars are known to save fuel, reduce emissions and even recharge their batteries without being plugged in.

This was my first experience with a hybrid car and I certainly hope it isn’t my last, although my photographer would probably beg to differ!

Pink August 2018 ∫ 55

SNAPSho

THE ACTRESS, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE At 26, Francesca Scerri is the creative director of After Glow Events, plays the role of Simone in the TV series Manwela, sings for events, choreographs theatrical performances and visits sick children in hospital as Dr Klown.

ANTOINETTE SINNAS finds she is certainly the Jill of all trades.

I didn’t realise this question would be the hardest one to answer… Well, I am a Libran, so I am pretty keen on having everything in balance... I love the entertainment and event industry and I’ve made it my goal to form part of it and eventually start making a difference. This is why I started off my own company in 2011, After Glow Events. I enjoy entertaining others and basically experiment with different forms of art – I have a keen eye for talent and potential and I really do my utmost to empower and push people to be better at what they do. I believe in the power of positivity and that has definitely played a keen role in the success we’ve had so far.

Apart from being professional in what I do, I also spend a lot of time listening to others, gathering feedback, discussing new ideas and working alongside them. One person cannot build an empire, but a strong team can.

In a nutshell, my family comes first, I hate clubbing and very loud music, I love travelling around the world with my partner Christopher on our motorbike and I’m a big fan of the 1920s.

How did you manage to get yourself into all these activities? Well, it’s been

a long journey; I was always an avid performing arts student from a very early age, which luckily introduced me to the events industry as I grew older. I can’t deny I have always been a bit of a butthead. I’m not the type of person to 56 ∫ Pink August 2018

let people down, so I always said: ‘Yes, I’ll try’; or ‘I can.’ Some way or another, I’ve always figured how to make things work and I found something in myself that not many others seem equipped for. I love the adrenaline rush and the stress a risky decision brings along with it… So I guess it all boils down to being a risk taker.

How do you cope with juggling all these jobs? Looking back at all of this,

I can safely say it is all to do with being persistent, writing everything down, sticking to a standard schedule [yes, this is the hardest part], delegating and trusting in my team, literally having no social life and finding the fun in each and every little job I do.

That is what I always tell the people I interview – the job is what you make of it. If you’re simply going to allow others to boss you around, you will quit in a matter of days. However, if you take the lead and find the parts

Photography Christopher Briffa

T

ell us a bit about yourself.

you really enjoy doing, time will fly.

There’s no going around the fact that I do have arguments with my partner for staying at work so late, or having friends that literally never bother to call me to go out. They’ve given up on

SNAPSHOT to give up everything, I would resort to just making costumes. I just love it!

Any embarrassing moments?

I believe it was during a live performance of the musical Knights Spectacular 1565 at the Montekristo Arena… It was a jam-packed evening and I was playing the lead role of Melita, the second scene was about to begin and I was already on stage.

I felt something in my skirt pop. ‘It’s nothing,’ I said to myself, and how wrong was I! This scene had me cover the whole arena and dance in partner work – no time to go backstage for a quick fix! My skirt’s elastic had ripped, and I clearly remember struggling in desperation to try to hold it up. In the end, it was to no avail. The show must go on and my medieval skirt had slipped just beyond my knees. I think there’s still a video lurking on the net somewhere. My very supportive colleagues at the time filmed the whole thing.

me, so it looks like I’m coping with everything except the personal part.

I need to work more on this one.

Event management can create a lot of stress, especially when things don’t go according to script. How do you handle it? I sing! It puts everyone

in a jolly mood. Joking apart, small hiccups cannot be avoided especially during events. I stay calm and focus on the solution rather than the problem.

Being positive always gives you that added boost, however, it’s not always possible. We are human after all and everyone has their bad days. I’ve learnt to accept that I cannot please every Tom, Dick and Harry. Having a

Tell us about your role as Simone in Manwela? This is now my fourth role

“MY SKIRT’S ELASTIC HAD RIPPED, AND I CLEARLY REMEMBER STRUGGLING IN DESPERATION TO TRY TO HOLD IT UP. IN THE END, IT WAS TO NO AVAIL. THE SHOW MUST GO ON AND MY MEDIEVAL SKIRT HAD SLIPPED JUST BEYOND MY KNEES. I THINK THERE’S STILL A VIDEO LURKING ON THE NET SOMEWHERE. MY VERY SUPPORTIVE COLLEAGUES AT THE TIME FILMED THE WHOLE THING”

professional attitude in this line of work is a must, as well as a humble and open ear to different opinions.

The event management industry is booming. What does it mean to be a part of it? It’s not an easy industry.

Being on such a small and saturated island brings a lot of time wasters.

Some just want to compare prices; others just grasp your ideas and do them on their own and that is the biggest stab to the chest... If you want to make a comfortable living out of event management, you need to diversify and explore unused territories. I’m always thinking of new ways to be innovative;

people don’t want to see the same thing over and over again. Having said that, I’m still quite ‘young’ and have a whole lot more to learn.

How did you acquire such an extensive wardrobe for After Glow Events? Lots of trips to JB Stores,

cardboard and a glue gun! When I first started off, I used to design and make outfits and headpieces myself until, one day, I just couldn’t live on only four hours of sleep anymore, so I sought help from a local costume designer.

I like to be actively involved in the designs of the outfits and learning more tricks of the trade. If I were really

with Rewind Productions, and Simone by far has been the most challenging character I’ve had to play. She started off as an annoying and unpleasant, materialistic blonde, who later turned out to be a victim of terrible violence and then came back as a ‘heroine’.

What I really admire in her is that she takes very good care of her styling and image, something I struggle to do in my personal daily routine. I tend to go for the comfy trousers and tops.

Since weekends are off the calendar for filming, my scenes are usually shot very late in the evenings or very early mornings. I believe the weather was my biggest enemy while filming Season 1. I had to jump in a pool while it was raining, lie outside on a carpet while a blizzard was going on and film a very long scene in the freezing cold without wearing a jacket… of course for continuity reasons.

All in all, it was a pleasant experience as I’ve been getting feedback and support from the producers as well from my sponsors, Mangano, Extensions by Maris and After Glow Events. I look forward to more challenges.

Pink August 2018 ∫ 57

SNAPSHOT

PINK@THEPARTY

An actress should ‘live’ the part she is playing. Is that true with your r ole in Manwela?

As much as I agree, unfortunately, if you’re not a fulltime and 100 per cent committed actor, you won’t have enough time to really delve into the character as much as necessary.

If I were to do acting professionally, I would spend time observing particular individuals, accent coaching and be physically available to transform myself into the character. How can one play the part of a professional spy and not look physically fit?

How can one play the part of a high school student with perfectly coloured hair and long, pointy, fresh nails?

Nevertheless, it is of utmost importance to create a background story for your character and develop certain traits that audiences would remember about your character.

You also play Dr Klown.

What does that special role mean to you? I do it for the

sole purpose of bringing smiles to the faces of sick children and their families.

I’ve been dealing with children and kids’ parties for the past 12 years and it infuriates me that not every child gets to participate or enjoy themselves in such an activity. It’s not their choice to be in such a position. The fact that I’m aware of how blessed I am to have my health gives me further strength to really strive to make a difference in someone else’s day, or life.

Saying good morning to a random stranger can make such a difference, let alone 58 ∫ Pink August 2018

Annual Order of Malta Reception on the Occasion of the Feast of the Patron Saint of the Order

keeping my personal issues at bay for two hours and just literally giving myself to others. Success, fame, money and material goods are pointless if you do not have your health. Honestly, I wish I had more time to be an even more active participant within the NGO, however, for the moment, Dr Frazzle shall be sticking to twice a month.

What is your dream? I have

many dreams and goals and, thankfully, I have also managed to complete a few of them, though if I were to really focus on one, it would be to leave a legacy. Be it work related, or socially related, my goal is to make a difference for the better.

If you had to give up one of your activities, which one would you shelve? Why?

This is a tough one… I think it would be singing. Ever since I started the business, I had to put this aside as it requires a lot of training, research and cash flow. Just thinking about it kills me inside. I’m a huge musical theatre fan and my biggest dream was/is to perform in a live West End show… Mind you, I haven’t given up on it yet. I’ve actually just started going to a vocal coach again and am working on some new material. It’s time for a little comeback.

The Ambassador Prince Augusto Ruffo di Calabria with Archbishop Emeritus Mgr Paul Cremona.

The Ambassador and his wife Princess Tana Ruffo di Calabria with the members of the Scialapopolo Folk Band Capri who entertained guests on the night.

Marchesino Daniel de Petri Testaferrata [President of the Maltese Association of the Sovereign Order] and his wife Enyd and the musicians of Scialapopolo.

Prince Michael of Kent, Countess Giovanni Emo Capodilista and the Ambassador.

Photography Frans Micallef, Photocity

The launch of Etnia Barcelona eyewear by O’hea Opticians at The Sheer Bastion in Senglea.