Real and Sincere Apology: A Vital Life Skill, By Joyce and Barry Vissell

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Real and Sincere Apology: A Vital Life Skill

By Joyce and Barry Vissell

Joyce and I understand that hurting another person is inevitable. Most of the time, we do not intend to hurt someone, but still we may. We may be insensitive with our words or actions or even our lack of words when words are needed. We may hurt someone through miscommunication or lack of understanding.

Sometimes we hurt someone intentionally, like when we are angry. In either case, we need to apologize in order to keep growing spiritually. The results of a sincere apology are often amazing. Most people feel lighter right away after apologizing, as if they have let go of a heavy burden.

Here are some real examples. Stan apologized to his younger brother for some of the abusive things he did when they were growing up, like hitting, playing cruel practical jokes on him, and saying mean things. Gail apologized to her exhusband for not having the courage to share her unhappy feelings in the several years before she left him, when they could have gotten help.

James apologized to his mother for holding a grudge against her, and not speaking to her for ten years. In a couple’s workshop, Susan apologized to her partner, Frank, for the pain she caused by comparing him unfavorably to her former boyfriends.

Apologizing and asking for forgiveness are two very different things. Apologizing doesn’t ask anything of the person we have hurt. It doesn’t depend on what they do or how they feel about us. The person may or may not accept our apology, or may even choose to stay angry at us.

What the other person does is out of our control and really doesn’t matter. Apologizing is simply our own work on ourselves, our own righting of the wrongs we have committed, or in 12-step terms, it is “making amends.”

So why don’t we apologize to someone we have hurt? There are two main reasons. First, we may feel that we are right, that we didn’t actually do anything wrong. It’s their problem that they are hurt by something we said or did. Naturally, the hurt feelings may belong to the other person, but to maintain this position is to deny our own responsibility in the interaction.

Needing to be right is needing to win, but relationship is not a game. In relationship, if there is a winner and a loser, both people lose. One person only wins if both people win. If someone feels hurt by us, we need to apologize no matter whether we hurt them intentionally or unintentionally, or whether we feel innocent or guilty.

The other main reason for not apologizing is shame. In the first case, we don’t apologize because we feel innocent. When we feel guilty, we don’t apologize because of shame. We may feel so badly about what we did to another that we hide in shame, slide into inertia, and do nothing.

We may hope that time will heal things, or that we or the other person will forget, but it doesn’t go away, at least not until we apologize sincerely. Some feel that to apologize is to admit defeat or show weakness. This has its origins in shame, too. We are ashamed about making mistakes, but apologizing for our mistakes is a sign of courage, not weakness. Remember, making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person, just a momentarily clumsy or unskillful person. Feeling like a bad person because of your mistakes can lead to toxic shame, which is identifying with your mistakes, rather than identifying with who you really are, a beautiful soul on the journey of life. You can make mistakes, but you are not a mistake.

Apology does not work if it is halfhearted or insincere. Saying “I’m sorry,” and not sincerely meaning it, does nothing. True apology comes from the heart, not the mind. Sometimes, you may think that you’re apologizing, but you’re only going through the motions, and no one feels better.

“Sincere Apology” page 26

The 1940s

ACROSS

1. Decree 6. *U.S./U.S.S.R.’s cold one 9. Harry Potter’s mark 13. Syrup flavor 14. ____ Khan 15. Bird of prey’s nest 16. Lieu 17. H+, e.g. 18. Bashful or Happy 19. *”1984” author

George 21. *Best-selling pop artist Bing 23. Writer ____ Monk

Kidd 24. Genghis or Kubla 25. Cranberry habitat 28. Not nice 30. Saddle holders 35. *Boris Karloff’s movie

“The ____,” pl. 37. Actress Barrymore 39. Asian goat antelope 40. Supernatural life force 41. Seethes 43. South African antelope 44. Cook from above 46. Rotisserie part 47. Not odd 48. Italy in Italian 50. What snob puts on 52. .0000001 joule 53. Sound of a dropped tome 55. Beer acronym 57. *____ Doctrine, U.S. foreign policy 60. *”How Green Was My ____” 63. Another word for nutria 64. Ciao in the U.S. 66. Trip guide 68. Surveyor’s maps 69. Afflict 70. Will alternative 71. Additionally 72. Nucleic acid 73. Term of endearment

DOWN

1. Emergency acronym 2. *1949 international org. 3. Copycat 4. Chicken feet 5. Christian hymn (2 words) 6. Graveside sound 7. Gone by 8. TV’s Yellowstone, e.g. 9. Uses a Singer 10. Underwater hermit 11. Ethereal 12. Gridiron official, for short 15. Apollo Creed’s son 20. City in northern

England 22. Old towel, e.g. 24. Rollerskater’s protector (2 words) 25. *Disney’s 1942 orphan 26. Abstractionism using optical illusion 27. Kind of salami 29. Crafts’ companion 31. Network of nerves 32. Treasure collection 33. Dreamer? 34. *Popular music style 36. Ship canvas 38. *1939-1945 42. Parallel grooves 45. Acid turns it red 49. “Bingo!” 51. Daryl Hannah’s 1984 movie 54. Open up 56. In spite of the fact, arch. 57. Church sound 58. Swedish shag rugs 59. Plotting 60. Velum, pl. 61. Zeal 62. New Haven University 63. IRS employee? 65. Yang’s opposite 67. Canny

Each year, at the end of February and much of March and just before spring arrives, we are under the light, love and influences of the Lords of Pisces, sign of two fishes held together by a silken cord, one facing heaven, the other looking down into form & matter. The two fish represent the Soul, the other, the personality of each of us. The fishes cannot be separated. Eventually the personality when strong enough accepts the direction, care and tending of the Soul. The two fishes gaze in all directions, longing for their release (to save the world).

Pisces understands these things. Pisces understands imprisonment, captivity, being confined, abandoned, betrayed, looked down upon, judged, criticized, not having freedom, caught so often in sadness, illusions and glamours, cults, drugs and sex. Pisces, the last of the zodiacal signs, and containing impressions from all the previous eleven signs understands sadness, sorrow, grief, melancholy, woe, and most of all, being misunderstood. All of which makes Pisces, after many lifetimes, able to offer understanding, compassion and care, which “saves the world.”

Pisces, when building the personality, experiences drugs, alcohol, dramatic emotions, drowning in a world of senses. On the Soul/Spiritual level, Pisces is the “Light of the World....the light that

reveals the Light of Life itself. Pisces light ends forever the darkness

of matter.” Those words “light of the world” sound familiar. Many of the Saviors who came to Earth were born in Pisces. They appear on Earth as Avatars to help humanity struggling towards the light. Jesus, the Christ, was One (savior). So was Buddha, Zarathustra and all the many religions teachers that have appeared on Earth since time’s beginning. In these dark times of the Kali Yuga Age (our present time, where the darkness is allowed to manifest so humanity can make a choice), we await the Reappearance of the Christ, the new Savior and World Teacher of the Aquarian Age. They say, “He will come soon to restore the Law. He comes with a fiery sword repelling those as do evil”. We too, in Pisces, stand with our fiery swords and lamps held high. So the way is not so dark for our brothers and sisters on the Path. n

ARIES While busy with professional shifts, changes, reorientations and rebalancing, turn your imagination more towards kind thoughts of forgiveness, towards friends and the future — where the true reality is. Set goals with others, helping them to stabilize and be successful. Don’t demand too much from others. It creates disappointments. This is a time of great creative potential. Do I see greenhouses & natural warm pools when I enter your realm?

LEO You’re sensitive, more than usual. Leo, Cancer and Pisces (and hidden Scorpio) are most sensitive. Here you are in your reality and it seems something, over there somewhere, is either calling to you or opposes you. What this means is an integration (of things & thoughts, new & unusual) is attempting to occur. An absorbing and balancing of new realities. One reality may be that creating more companionship & alliances would assist you. Assist your heart, actually.

SAGITTARIUS New thoughts and/or ideas, very unique, very futuristic, may be streaming through your mind, creating a feeling of Tesla-like electricity in your body. People can sense you’ve become a bit different. You need a close companion. Tesla’s closest companion was a dove. They communicated daily. Begin to speak from the heart with everyone around you. Focus on them more. Soon a strange new spirit of adventure unfolds. A new learning, a new lesson. It is not in form and matter. Not yet.

TAURUS The times call you to retreat, inner solitude, rest, repose and relaxation. This prepares you daily to be able to withstand and work with the important reorientation and changes taking place in our world. In that inner time, consider new goals & plans, tending to their manifestation. This is “white magic”. Magic is the ancient word for using the imagination to create a thought form, then focusing on it till it appears in form and matter. You have that gift. This is esoteric.

GEMINI You become more practical with resources because you know needed changes, new experiences and a new education are coming that reorient your beliefs. That is, if you have the courage to step into a new reality, enter into a group of like-minded others, join the New Group of World Servers, work cooperatively with others creating the plan that saves the world. You have only a bit more time to prepare. Education in the New Aquarian Age calls to you. It’s never too late.

VIRGO There’s always so much to accomplish, so many people to contact, so many ideas to jot down & create goals with. It’s good that Virgos have a welldeveloped and orderly work ethic. Virgo is always responsible and intelligent. Creativity is to be practical & purposeful this month. You remember something. It makes you sad, glad, wondering, concerned, happy, joyful. All those things together. Clap your hands! Write a poem!

LIBRA You want to play a little more. Some Libran’s are very serious; they don’t play much. They feel injustices in the world and seek to alleviate them. You do this. However, now’s the time for a bit of lightness — for friends, entertaining, communicating with loved ones, interacting with children. In the coming weeks and months, tend carefully to health. See a natural doctor, dentist, care provider, and a deeply listening therapist. Get new shoes. A new endeavor may appear. Don’t spend on things you cannot see.

CAPRICORN Capricorn identities (who am I, really?) continue to appear, disappear, shift, change and be transformed. Venus, Mars and Pluto are in your sign, creating a great transforming field around your sense of friendship and choice of actions. People respond to you differently now. They see something – a light perhaps, a sense of focus, a power, a beauty. Stay close to loved ones. And should you require it, call forth all the resources needed in your life. They will arrive like angels at just the right time.

AQUARIUS Careful with money, assets, facts and figures. Know you always have enough. Keep track of your bank accounts, what’s in, what’s out. Be orderly about this. Don’t allow a lack of time or attention to take you away from this task. Train yourself to have a clear idea of all financial transactions. Have a book where you jot down finances, facts and figures. This calls for a bit of discipline, more practicality and it allows you to have a firm idea of all that you’re worth. Write down too the perfect work you want to do. It’s waiting.

CANCER It’s tax time. Or soon will be. Sometimes that creates anxiety. This year with Neptune in Pisces and Chiron in Aries, it can be even more confusing. Sometimes taxes shift a person’s identity, feeling that everything’s just too complex. Like many, you may feel you’re on uncharted waters, in a boat with no captain, no shore in sight, and there’s rumors that pirates are just around the bend. Life feels like that now. Be sure to rest. And find soothing warm calm waters (or arms) to lay in.

SCORPIO Tend to family with extra care, touching in, making contact with all the family, even those not often seen. There’s a pull between home and work, family & the world, internal & external realities. Try to meet personal needs first. Remain at home in a state of calm and peacefulness. Let outer realities fall away. This gives you time to consider a different course of action concerning how to use your gifts, talents and abilities in the world. What needs tender care concerning your own self? •••

PISCES So, happy birthday, Pisces …yesterday, today, this week, next week. When our birthday month arrives, the Sun’s rose gold light shines through us. It’s in our eyes, radiating outward. We are beautiful. Our angels stand close by during our birthday month, waiting to hear our needs for the coming new year. A birthday celebration only truly occurs when we talk with our angels. Telling them of our wants and needs. They stand around us...waiting, listening, tending, patient as ever. They offer their gift of loving protection. And of helping us receive all that we need. Risa D’Angeles • www.nightlightnews.org • risagoodwill@gmail.com

“Sincere Apology” from page 25

Automatic, or knee-jerk, apologies may not help either. It doesn’t contain thoughtful consideration, and it doesn’t show that you actually understand how you hurt your friend. Real, sincere, apology requires that you truly understand why your friend feels hurt. For when you understand why they feel hurt, and can acknowledge this understanding, they can much more easily accept your apology.

Here’s an example: In a couple’s retreat, during an apology exercise, Anne asked her husband, Ted, for an apology for watching pornographic videos online. When she had confronted him in the past, he would often say, “A lot of men watch porn. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Anne started to explain why this was so painful to her, but Ted got angry. He clearly didn’t want to hear her feelings. And he was invested in being right.

Joyce and I had to intervene. We asked Ted to listen to his wife. Anne hesitantly began to speak, “In my previous marriage, my husband constantly criticized my body, and compared me to younger women. There was no way I could win. In his eyes, I felt ugly most of the time.” Anne started sobbing.

Ted had never heard his wife’s pain about this. It appeared to move him deeply. He gently put his arms around her and said, “I’m so sorry, Anne. I had no idea about any of this. Now I can see why my watching pornography would be so painful to you. I commit to never watching it again. It’s just an old habit that I thought was innocent. Your body is so beautiful to me! I’ll make sure you always know this.

Ted’s apology was real and sincere. He understood Anne’s hurt.

So please don’t read this article and say to yourself, “Nice article, good ideas,” and then do nothing. Challenge yourself to practice the skill of real apology. Who are you needing to apologize to and for what? Do you need to more clearly understand this person’s hurt feelings? If so, make the effort to find out. Close your eyes and speak your apology with as much sincerity and feeling as possible. Then follow this up with an apology to the actual person. Free yourself for even more love in your life. n

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Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 9 books and a new free audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit their web site at SharedHeart. org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.