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Real and Sincere Apology: A Vital Life Skill
J
oyce and I understand that hurting another person is inevitable. Most of the time, we do not intend to hurt someone, but still we may. We may be insensitive with our words or actions or even our lack of words when words are needed. We may hurt someone through miscommunication or lack of understanding. Sometimes we hurt someone intentionally, like when we are angry. In either case, we need to apologize in order to keep growing spiritually. The results of a sincere apology are often amazing. Most people feel lighter right away after apologizing, as if they have let go of a heavy burden. Here are some real examples. Stan apologized to his younger brother for some of the abusive things he did when they were growing up, like hitting, playing cruel practical jokes on him, and saying mean things. Gail apologized to her exhusband for not having the courage to share her unhappy feelings in the several years before she left him, when they could have gotten help. James apologized to his mother for holding a grudge against her, and not speaking to her for ten years. In a couple’s workshop, Susan apologized to her partner, Frank, for the pain she caused by comparing him unfavorably to her former boyfriends. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness are two very different things. Apologizing doesn’t ask anything of the person we have hurt. It doesn’t depend on what they do or how they feel about
By Joyce and Barry Vissell
us. The person may or may not accept our apology, or may even choose to stay angry at us. What the other person does is out of our control and really doesn’t matter. Apologizing is simply our own work on ourselves, our own righting of the wrongs we have committed, or in 12-step terms, it is “making amends.” So why don’t we apologize to someone we have hurt? There are two main reasons. First, we may feel that we are right, that we didn’t actually do anything wrong. It’s their problem that they are hurt by something we said or did. Naturally, the hurt feelings may belong to the other person, but to maintain this position is to deny our own responsibility in the interaction. Needing to be right is needing to win, but relationship is not a game. In relationship, if there is a winner and a loser, both people lose. One person only wins if both people win. If someone feels hurt by us, we need to apologize no matter whether we hurt them intentionally or unintentionally, or whether we feel innocent or guilty. The other main reason for not apologizing is shame. In the first case, we don’t apologize because we feel innocent. When we feel guilty, we don’t apologize because of shame. We may feel so badly about what we did to another that we hide in shame, slide into inertia, and do nothing. We may hope that time will heal things, or that we or the other person will forget, but it doesn’t go away, at least not until we apologize sincerely. Some feel that to apologize is to admit defeat or show weakness. This has its origins in shame, too. We are ashamed about making mistakes, but apologizing for our mistakes is a sign of courage, not weakness. Remember, making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person, just a momentarily clumsy or unskillful person. Feeling like a bad person because
of your mistakes can lead to toxic shame, which is identifying with your mistakes, rather than identifying with who you really are, a beautiful soul on the journey of life. You can make mistakes, but you are not a mistake. Apology does not work if it is halfhearted or insincere. Saying “I’m sorry,”
and not sincerely meaning it, does nothing. True apology comes from the heart, not the mind. Sometimes, you may think that you’re apologizing, but you’re only going through the motions, and no one feels better. “Sincere Apology” page 26
The 1940s
ACROSS
1. Decree 6. *U.S./U.S.S.R.’s cold one 9. Harry Potter’s mark 13. Syrup flavor 14. ____ Khan 15. Bird of prey’s nest 16. Lieu 17. H+, e.g. 18. Bashful or Happy 19. *”1984” author George 21. *Best-selling pop artist Bing 23. Writer ____ Monk Kidd 24. Genghis or Kubla 25. Cranberry habitat
28. Not nice 30. Saddle holders 35. *Boris Karloff’s movie “The ____,” pl. 37. Actress Barrymore 39. Asian goat antelope 40. Supernatural life force 41. Seethes 43. South African antelope 44. Cook from above 46. Rotisserie part 47. Not odd 48. Italy in Italian 50. What snob puts on 52. .0000001 joule 53. Sound of a dropped tome 55. Beer acronym 57. *____ Doctrine, U.S. foreign policy 60. *”How Green Was My ____”
63. Another word for nutria 64. Ciao in the U.S. 66. Trip guide 68. Surveyor’s maps 69. Afflict 70. Will alternative 71. Additionally 72. Nucleic acid 73. Term of endearment 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.
9. Uses a Singer 10. Underwater hermit 11. Ethereal 12. Gridiron official, for short 15. Apollo Creed’s son 20. City in northern England 22. Old towel, e.g. 24. Rollerskater’s protector (2 words) 25. *Disney’s 1942 DOWN orphan Emergency acronym *1949 international 26. Abstractionism using optical illusion org. 27. Kind of salami Copycat 29. Crafts’ companion Chicken feet 31. Network of nerves Christian hymn (2 32. Treasure collection words) 33. Dreamer? Graveside sound 34. *Popular music style Gone by TV’s Yellowstone, e.g. 36. Ship canvas
38. *1939-1945 42. Parallel grooves 45. Acid turns it red 49. “Bingo!” 51. Daryl Hannah’s 1984 movie 54. Open up 56. In spite of the fact, arch. 57. Church sound 58. Swedish shag rugs 59. Plotting 60. Velum, pl. 61. Zeal 62. New Haven University 63. IRS employee? 65. Yang’s opposite 67. Canny
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Answers on 31 »
www.tpgonlinedaily.com Capitola Soquel Times / March 2022 / 25
