The Power of ''Mistake Conversations'' In Our Family Lives

One afternoon, soon after my daughter Sophie’s fourth birthday, my husband (Phillipe) and I sat at a meeting with her preschool teachers in Brookline, Massachusetts. An hour earlier, I’d been meeting with parents at the school where I worked. Now I was on the parent side.

“She has trouble making mistakes,” the first teacher, a grayhaired, gentle woman, told me. “That’s typical of many kids. She’s independent and a perfectionist.”

“And she blames her mistakes on other people,” the second teacher said. “It’s hurting her friendships. We’re talking a lot about responsibility. At home, I’d reinforce that.”

“I’ll see what we can do,” I gulped, having noticed those tendencies as well.

Throughout a busy workday, I let that conversation fade. But that evening, as I walked home, it started pouring, and I arrived home drenched and uncomfortable.

“You’re wet.” Sophie wrinkled her nose. “Didn’t you bring an umbrella?”

“I didn’t check the forecast,” I admitted.

“You should have.”

Peeling my socks off, I wanted to snap. Then I had an idea.

“That was my mistake for today,” I said. “What was yours?”

“My what?”

“Your mistake.” I met her gaze. “What wrong or silly thing did you do today?”

“I don’t make mistakes.” Huffing, she walked away. But then came dinnertime.

“Your mistake,” she demanded of Phillipe. “Tell us.”

“I forgot to lock my bike,” Philippe said. “I left it outside.”

“So, it got stolen?”

“No, I got lucky.” He sighed. “But next time, I’ll bring the lock.”

“And what about you?”

“I don’t bike in the rain.” She flashed a smile. “And I didn’t make a mistake.”

I changed the subject. But at dinner the following night, she asked, “Your mistakes?”

Philippe described sending an email too soon, then needing to phone to clarify.

“You didn’t check your work?” She jumped up.

“I was in a rush. But tomorrow, I’ll give myself more time.”

“My turn,” she said, and explained how she’d run into a boy at the playground by accident. He’d started crying, but she hadn’t apologized.

“You didn’t explain what happened?” I asked.

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“You didn’t have to say, ‘Sorry I pushed you.’ But what do you think he thought?”

“Probably that I meant to do it.” She scowled. “I’ll explain next time.”

That conversation was a small revelation. It allowed her to own up to a mistake but not let that mistake consume her. Mistakes are common to all of us, she started to realize, and reflection can let us strategize for the next time. This realization arose from her, through our back-and-forth

dialogue, not from any lecture I gave. After thinking through and wrestling with the ideas, she expressed them in her own words. Such thinking-through — and talking- through — lets kids learn more deeply than they otherwise would. Putting ideas in their own words makes those ideas more solid and allows them to take ownership of what they’ve learned.

Think about constructing a toy car from scratch, rather than learning, in the abstract, how a car works.

Dialogue Shifts over Time

Over the next few weeks, Sophie brought up more examples of mistakes: some days in a silly mood; some days more seriously. We did, too. As the weeks passed, we started seeing her attitude shift. She was taking more responsibility, the teachers said, and making more friends.

As I saw with Sophie, “mistake” conversations are critical for learning. They set the stage for kids to feel alright being wrong. Through looking at errors compassionately, we create room for kids to pinpoint why they’ve made those errors, which helps them strategize for next time. We also help them build empathy. When Sophie talked about having pushed a child by accident, she gained insight into how that child must have felt. In this way, kids gain both empathy and comfort with not being perfect. When we share our mistakes, we grow to recognize how they — and we — are always learning. This foundation of self-compassion lets children stay curious and engaged. Just as important, these conversations help them identify highlights in their journeys, letting them see where they’ve gone right.

Still, “mistake” conversations are only one of countless examples of talk that boosts learning. It’s less what you talk about and more about how you talk. In fact, all sorts of everyday topics let kids see where they are in their learning journeys and understand more about themselves and the world. Quality conversations help them notice their own false beliefs and take steps to change them. These conversations also give us insight into how kids are thinking, which lets us bring them to the next level. When supported to follow their interests, kids pursue budding passions and, ideally, learn to make those passions a part of their everyday lives. •

RebeccaRolland is alecturer atthe HarvardGraduateSchool ofEducation and serves on thefaculty at Harvard MedicalSchool. She is also an oral andwritten language specialist inthe Neurology Department ofBoston Children’s Hospital. Asa nationally certified speechlanguagepathologist, shehas worked clinically withpopulations ranging fromchildren through adolescentsand has provided teacherprofessional development.She has an Ed.D. from theHarvard Graduate School ofEducation, an M.S. in Speech-Language Pathology fromthe MGH Institute of HealthProfessions, an M.A. in Englishfrom Boston University, and aB.A. in English from Yale.