Sex
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The performative nature of dating
ometimes, when we go on dates we might not feel ourselves. While discomfort and awkwardness maygohand in hand with new romantic situations, this is a different type of uncomfortable. There are times when I have left dates feeling so drained of all my energy from putting on a ‘performance’ of what I perceive to be the best version of myself that I wonder why I do this and whether it’s a common feeling. A good way to explain exactly what is meant by the ‘performative role’ in dating is by using dating apps as an example. On Tinder, Bumble, Hinge (or whatever your preferred dating app is), you present the best version of yourself. It’s very instinctual to do this, but perhaps it’s less blatant when you do it in person. Obviously, it’s no crime to try and come across as your best self, and we’re certainly all guilty of it, but in a way, maybe it’s sad that we feel the need to do this. It seems to reflect that our usual self is something we should try and change. Doing this is also counterproductive. On the less extreme side of this performance, we may have people making slight exaggerations of their achievements to sound impressive and, on the other end, there might be full-blown lying, both leading to trouble down the way. Personally, I know I’m guilty of the former. I’ve pretended to like music I didn’t like or know, and I’ve played up aspects of my personality that really aren’t that dominant, and every time I’ve caught myself doing it, afterwards I always ask myself: ‘why?’ Thankfully, I’ve grown from this but on reflection, why was there ever a need for it in the first place? It stemmed from a place that wasn’t genuine and above all else, it was tiring. Aside from the falsity that this perpetuates, it also can shred away your self esteem and the faith that you have in yourself. The reasons why we do this vary. First of all, we may be doing it for the other person; when we change aspects of ourselves to seem more desirable, it comes from a place of insecurity within ourselves. But the nature of what we are changing does often depend on the other person. When it includes feigning interest in things that the other person likes that we don’t, it is partly for their benefit. Maybe we feel that if we do not like this one thing that they enjoy, they will lose interest. Of course, this may be true. Sometimes there are fundamental parts of a person’s interests that just need to be reciprocated, but we shouldn’t see not enjoying this as a flaw. Instead, this is merely a natural difference in interests. On the other hand, if you feel you need to have absolutely everything in common with a person to gain their validation, it might be time to step away from dating to allow self-reflection. You need to realise that it is not just similar interests that make a relationship, it’s so much more than that.
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