TV’s Rousing Romances

Love is in the air and on our TV screens. These are the special someones who are special to many of us. So snuggle up on the couch with your favourite snack as TN2 follows the various romances of my favourite TV show couples, from Catholic priests to cold-blooded killers.

Fleabag and Hot Priest (Fleabag)

Have you ever felt like there’s one person on earth who truly gets you? Someone who seems like they can see right through you, past the stretch of your muscle and the scaffolding of bone, into your soul? Who makes you smile but not in the tight, dinner-party-joke sort of way but in such a fashion that you can hardly see because your sight is blurred by the apples of your cheeks? That’s Fleabag and Hot Priest. The star-crossed lovers of modern London, Fleabag and Hot Priest are soulmates in an unfortunate set of circumstances, as soulmates so often are. He is a Catholic priest, devoted to a life of strict morals and self control, concepts largely outside the day to day vocabulary of Fleabag’s chaotic and hilariously depraved life. He also happens to be officiating the wedding of her emotionally repressed father and passive aggressive, soon to be step-mother, who happens to be her dead mother’s sister. Yeah, complicated. And yet they are just so made for each other, it seems like a sin for them not to be together. I’ll happily write to The Pope myself for a verdict. Stay tuned.

Rick and Michonne (The Walking Dead)

Rick and Michonne are undoubtedly my favourite doomsday duo of all time. Can you picture a more romantic date than dining on expired canned food, marching through the hot and sticky American wilderness and chopping the heads off animated, decaying corpses with the person you hold dearest? Yeah, me neither. If these two can find love in the middle of a zombie apocalypse wasteland then there is indelible hope for anyone out there who is seeking romance. Rick and Michonne have truly had the full evolution from distrustful enemies to devoted friends and finally, to each other’s most faithful companions. They are both inspiring leaders in their own right but still manage to be an unstoppable dream team when they come together. They also have remarkable parenting skills considering the challenges that I imagine are faced when raising a child amidst scheming psychopaths, cannibals and societal collapse. We haven’t seen them on screen together since 2018 when Andrew Lincoln, who plays Rick, departed from the main show. However these two are getting their own spin-off series in October 2023 and I for one can not wait for six hours of glorious, uninterrupted and refreshed Richonne to grace our screens.

Eve and Villanelle (Killing Eve)

Another one for Phoebe Waller-Bridge, except this time one half of the pair isn’t pledged to a life of God and abstinence. Instead, one character is a deadly assassin, which is equally as troublesome for the relationship. It has long been said that opposites attract and truer words couldn’t be said for the highly-trained killer, Villanelle and the MI6 agent Eve, who become obsessed with each other. Even though they constantly threaten each other’s physical safety and are more toxic than the asbestos in a 1960’s attic, I can’t help but be wrapped up in their obsession alongside them, despite the poor odds and the serious moral conundrums. It’s the appeal of wanting what you know you can’t or shouldn’t have. Though, I am not likely to consult either of them for advice on maintaining a stable, healthy relationship, they certainly know how to spark an electric passion when they bounce off each other, like atoms of energy hopping around in space and creating a catastrophic, fantastical explosion.

Charlie and Nick (Heartstopper)

Everything about Heartstopper encompasses the warm and fuzzy feeling of your first real crush. Charlie, a shy but endlessly sweet music lover who knows he is gay, develops a budding friendship with Nick, a lovable rugby player with the personality of a golden retriever who begins to tentatively question his own sexuality. Through their growing companionship, Nick begins to understand himself more deeply and shares his beautiful journey of self discovery with Charlie. I would also like to shout out Tara and Darcy for being the supportive couple that Charlie and Nick could turn to for advice. Healthy LGBTQ Representation and diversity on screen is so important and Heartstopper feels like a resonating milestone in how far television has come. The show also resonates not just culturally, but personally with many, including myself. Nick watching Pirates of the Caribbean with Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley and then immediately taking a panicked “Am I Bisexual” quiz online confirmed that I have not had one original experience in my entire life.

If unlike myself you are not a cold calculating individual capable of destroying friendships, familial bonds, and romances for cash sums; reality competition shows may not be your forte. Thus, I have prepared this guide for the lily-livered fools who need strategic guidance by dissecting some of Survivor's and The Traitors' greatest and worse moves so you imbeciles can play the game with what little grace my guidance can grant you.

Stacking the cards: Survivor

Imagine for an instant you are in a reality show and faced with the daunting prospect of eliminating a player; what is the optimal move? In such a show your initial instinct might be to target the smartest, fittest, and most charismatic members of the show but this can be a drastic mistake. In Survivor a jury of the eliminated players makes the final decision on which member of the final two or three casts receives the one-million-dollar prize - yet every player is aware of this eventuality. If you yourself are a threat, cushioning yourself with juicy targets is the optimal way to ensure your survival. As long as a greater threat remains on the board available for elimination any logical player would eliminate them before you as it whittles down to the final. By ensuring your adversaries do not perceive you as the greatest threat, you increase your odds of surviving to the end.

By ensuring the final is stacked with weak players or “goats” you can effectively insure your victory. As eliminated players vote on which of the finalists win the million-dollar prize by limiting their alternatives to goats you increase your chance of victory. Goats come in many forms and shapes. Some goats are simply strategy inept simply bending to a greater force who carries them to the final. Other goats are strategically competent bar their social game which turns off potential jurors. All that matters is the jurors are unlikely to cast their votes in their favour. Notably one needs to be aware of their own social position to effectively utilize goats. Russel Hantz viewed the doe-eyed Natalie as his perfect goat. Russel was entirely unaware his aggressive gameplay turned the jury against him whilst the soft and kind Natalie was beloved by the jury and won all but two of the nine votes. Without being acutely aware of what the jury is looking for a supposed goat might just beat you in the finale.

The Traitors Season One

The show The Traitors follows a simple mafia format. There are two roles within the traitors and the faithful. Each night the players vote out a member of their group, with the faithful win condition being that they eliminate the traitors. Should only the faithful remain in the finale, the prize fund will be split among them. Up to three traitors can exist within the game. They