Vol.10 No.1
Celebrating 10 Years 2012-2022
The US is in a Retirement Crisis. Here's What You Need to Know Boomer Travel:
If You Want to Travel Anywhere This Summer, Book Immediately Precious Metal IRA: How To Invest For Retirement With Gold And Silver
Brace Yourselves: The EVs (Electric Vehicles) Are Coming! Boomer Tech Trendz: 6 Ways to Stop Hackers From Emptying Your Retirement Accounts
Old Enough for Sex:
Dear Therapist: My Husband Secretly Donated Sperm. Now There’s a Kid.
BoomeR ConsumeR Watch: How Shrinkflation Hurts Us,
From More Expensive Toilet Paper to Fewer Doritos in a Bag Today’s BoomeR
Featuring The Only B2B -Business 2 BoomeR Marketplace!
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2 Today’s BoomeR
This Issue
Jan./Feb./March 2022 (Volume 10, No. 1)
Editor’s Letter
4
Perfect 10.
Social Security
2012-2022 Celebrating 10 Years of Today’s Boomer Magazine! Thank you!
5
National Slam the Scam Day
Boomer Tech Trendz:
7
6 Ways to Stop Hackers From Emptying Your Retirement Accounts
Boomer Travel
9
If You Want to Travel Anywhere This Summer, Book Immediately
F (Forget) Being Old
11
Brace Yourselves: The EVs (Electric Vehicles) Are Coming! How Shrinkflation Hurts Us
The US is in a Retirement 17 Crisis. Here's What You Need to Know The Precious Metal IRA: 19 How To Invest With Gold And Silver 23
Chiapan Beef & Cabbage
Old Enough For Sex
Editor-In-Chief: Alexandra V. Maragha Advertising: Team For Letters to the Editor, articles, and feedback as well as advertising inquiries visit us at www.TodaysBoomerMagazine.com
Today’s BoomeR Magazine is an online publication of
The American BoomeR Group
BoomeR ConsumeR Watch: 14
Boomer Healthy Eating
Founders: John Vardalas & Alexandra Maragha
26
Dear Therapist: My Husband Secretly Donated Sperm. Now There’s a Kid.
For more information about Today’s BoomeR visit www.TodaysBoomerMagazine.com Find us on Twitter @todaysboomer For more information about The American BoomeR Group visit www.TheAmericanBoomer.com Follow on Facebook The American Boomer Today’s BoomeR Magazine Vol.10 No.1 Today’s Boomer is published quarterly (Jan/Feb/March, April/May/June, July/Aug./Sept., Oct./Nov./Dec.) Copyright © 2022. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. Visit www.TodaysBoomerMagazine.com
Today’s BoomeR 3
EDITOR’S LETTER
Perfect 10.
I
(fea-
t has been 10 years of Today’s Boomer Magazine! Since our launch in February of 2012, a decade ago, we never thought we would come this far, experience so much, and frankly, last this long. As an idea turned into a reality to provide resources for America’s baby boomer population, we were a bit ahead of our time and interest. The vision to provide resources and help boomers to cope with life shifts, twists, and turns all while having fun and keeping a positive outlook had always been challenged. Some by skeptical baby boomers who did not care, some by boomers doubting what would be next to come, and at other times, by other generations who have blamed baby boomers for what the world has come to financially, economically, and even politically. When this magazine first launched until now, we have remained steadfast and committed to this effort of reflecting and echoing what boomers need to know and how to thrive as they age.
The curation of articles and information is consciously picked each issue to draw interest but also with the mindset of “oh, this is something that others should know”, and continue to do so without bias, spin, or any agenda all while remaining a free publication to remain an accessible advocate and a voice for the wide array of individuals that complete the baby boomer generation. The passion for helping others has continued to motivate the production of this magazine and is a p. 4 proud legacy of the father-daughter inter-generational (boomer-millennial) co-founders to simply bring family discussions and concerns to the foreground of what other families may be thinking or experiencing. We continue to warmly thank our readers and supporters who have been with us all these years, as we look to continue this journey forward to working towards another, in our minds, perfect 10!
p. 12 Alexandra V. Maragha Editor-In-Chief
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Social Security:
Social Security and OIG Hold National Slam the Scam Day
By Doug Nguyen, Regional Communications Director, Social
saying they are from Social Security
Security Administration
and that the person’s Social Security number is suspended or was used in a crime. The caller
The Social Security Administration and the Office of the
identification may be spoofed to appear as a legitimate
Inspector General (OIG) are partnering to raise public
government number. They may text or email fake documents
awareness about Social Security imposter scams during the
in attempts to coerce people to comply with their demands.
third annual “Slam the Scam” Day on March 10. Social Security
Another common tactic is citing “badge numbers.” In the latest
scams - where fraudsters attempt to mislead victims into
development involving Social Security-related scams, criminals
making cash or gift card payments to fix purported Social
are using fraudulent Social Security letterhead to target
Security number problems or to avoid arrest - are an ongoing
individuals for money or personal information.
government imposter fraud scheme. For several years, Social Security impersonation scams have
Social Security will never tell you that your Social Security
been one of the most common government imposter scams
number is suspended, contact you to demand an immediate
reported to the Federal Trade Commission. Social Security has
payment, threaten you with arrest, ask for your credit or debit
made concerted efforts to address this issue, and extensive
card numbers over the phone, ask for gift cards or cash, or
outreach and investigative efforts are having a positive impact, promise a Social Security benefit approval or increase in decreasing scam reports to OIG by more than 20
exchange for information or money.
percent since 2020. “As we continue working with our law enforcement partners and partners from the private sector to combat these sinister schemes, I urge consumers to simply hang up the phone, or delete suspicious texts and emails, without responding to the scammers,” Social Security Inspector General Gail Ennis said. “That is the easiest and most effective way to avoid falling prey to these vicious scams.” Social Security employees do occasionally contact the public by telephone for business purposes. Ordinarily, the agency calls people who have recently applied for a Social Security benefit, “I am proud of the work we have done to combat
someone who is already receiving payments and requires an
Social Security imposter scams, yet I remain deeply concerned
update to their record, or a person who has requested a phone
that fraudsters continue trying to deceive people into providing call from the agency. If there is a problem with a person’s personal information or money,” said Acting Social Security
Social Security number or record, Social Security will typically
Commissioner Kilolo Kijakazi. “Above all, I urge people to
mail a letter.
remain alert, hang up if a scammer calls, and ignore their attempts if you receive a suspicious email, text, or letter.”
To report a scam attempt, go to oig.ssa.gov. For more information, please visit www.socialsecurity.gov/
Criminals are sophisticated and there are many variations of
scam and www.socialsecurity.gov/antifraudfacts/.
this fraud scheme. For example, scammers may call or email Today’s BoomeR 5
Save Social Security: Now and Forever TheAmericanBoomer.com thanks you for your continual support and for making your voice heard in Saving Our Social Security! With proposed changes in the federal budget and inflation in the U.S. economy, the work to maintain and preserve the Social Security Trust Fund is far from over.
For More Information visit www.TheAmericanBoomeR.com 6 Today’s BoomeR
BoomeR Tech Trendz: 6 Ways to Stop Hackers From Emptying Your Retirement Accounts By Chris Kissell, Money Talks News There is a growing threat to your retirement savings, and you probably are not aware of it. Thieves increasingly are targeting individual 401(k) accounts by impersonating the account owners so the crooks can steal thousands — or even hundreds of thousands — of dollars. Heide Bartnett of Darrien, Illinois, lost $245,000 when a fraudster used the “forgot password” option on her 401(k) account to log into Bartnett’s account in 2019. The crook later successfully impersonated Bartnett when calling the 401 (k) plan’s call center, The Wall Street Journal reported last year. Two years after the theft, Bartnett had recovered just $108,000 of her stolen funds. In another case, a woman from Massachusetts had $200,000 siphoned from her account, the Salem News reports. And another woman learned that a thief had swiped $99,000 from her 401(k) account, according to Bloomberg Tax. You might think that the 401(k) plan itself would be responsible for reimbursing the funds it released in these situations. But that’s not necessarily the case. As the WSJ reports, federal law is murky about who is responsible for losses associated with cybertheft. While custodians generally pledge to reimburse such fraud, some may include slippery language in their terms that can leave you in the lurch.
which provides cybersecurity and digital forensics services — recommend. Other experts agree. LMG says its penetration testers can break down an eightcharacter password hash — a scrambled version of the password — in anywhere from less than eight hours to about seven days, depending on the nature of the hash. It would take a bit longer to crack a 16-character password hash — up to more than 147 trillion years, although LMG notes that “well-funded malicious actors” likely could do so more quickly.
Use Password Managers Carefully provide a great service, and they have a solid reputation for keeping your information secure. But a detail in the WSJ story might give you pause when considering whether to use a password manager. Alight Solutions, a 401(k) plan record-keeper, says 401(k) plan participants who give passwords to third-party services that aggregate passwords or financial-account data might not be reimbursed if “our investigation determines that a fraud event is traceable” to such a service, the WSJ reports. (Alight Solutions is the 401(k) plan record-keeper that allegedly released Bartnett’s $240,000 to the fraudster who attacked her account.)
That means you might be out of luck if a data breach that led to the theft of your identity can be traced back to your Even a company as respected as Vanguard says “if there’s password manager. So, at the very least, you should choose a evidence you neglected to reasonably safeguard your account, further investigation may be necessary to determine password manager very carefully. whether we can issue a reimbursement.” Don’t Use Text-Based Verification So, what can you do to protect yourself? The following steps will go a long way toward keeping your retirement savings safe.
Create Ridiculously Strong Passwords How strong is strong? Eight characters? How about 10 characters? Try at least 16 to 25. That’s what the folks at LMG Security —
Two-step verification, also referred to as two-factor authentication, adds a layer of security to your online accounts. Instead of providing just a username and password to access your account, you must also provide another piece of information you have, such as a code sent to your phone via text message or an authenticator app. This extra step makes it harder for a crook to access your
Today’s BoomeR 7
retirement account or any other account for which you set up financial services provider to give them access to your two-step verification. But if you have verification codes sent retirement account. by text message, it’s possible for a fraudster to bypass this One way to thwart this type of identity fraud is to give your security measure. financial services provider a different phone number that you In a scam known as a “SIM swap,” a criminal can hijack your keep secret by not using it for anything else. Sound like cellphone number. The fraudster who takes over your phone overkill? Remember, a good chunk of your life savings could number in this way can create untold havoc, including be at stake if someone is able to dip into your retirement stealing money from your 401(k) account and other financial account and clean it out. accounts. Set up an online account with your plan provider The scammer does this by calling your cellphone company, Ben Taylor, a consultant at investment-consulting firm Callan, pretending to be you and asking the provider to change the tells the WSJ that by exercising the option to set up an online SIM card associated with your phone number to a SIM card in account, you beat the crooks to the punch. As he puts it, a phone that is in the scammer’s possession. “unclaimed online accounts are easier for impersonators to Think it can’t happen to you? It happened to former Twitter take control of.” CEO Jack Dorsey when a crook took over Dorsey’s Twitter In other words, if you have the option to set up an online account. account and you take advantage of it, an identity thief can’t “SIM” is short for “subscriber identification module,” and a open an account in your name and then take control of it. SIM card tells a cellphone what cellular provider network and Consider spreading retirement money across multiple phone number to use. So, if your phone number is associated providers with a scammer’s SIM card, that scammer will receive calls There are good reasons to keep all of your retirement funds and text messages sent to your number. with a single financial services provider. Not only is it more Perhaps the worst thing about this form of fraud is that there convenient, but many providers will cut you a break on fees is little you can do to prevent it. You can ask your cellphone or offer other perks as you accumulate more money with provider to create a PIN for your account so that no one can them. But there is also a risk: If all of your money is with one request a change of your SIM card without first providing that provider and a fraudster gets hold of that account, you could PIN. However, fast-talking crooks sometimes can convince be wiped out, even if the money loss is just temporary. the phone company representative to make the switch By having some of your retirement money — say, your anyway. individual retirement account and health savings account For this reason, security experts recommend two-step funds — with a separate provider, you will at least reduce the verification that relies on an authenticator app over risk that you could lose your life savings overnight and have verification via text messages. Examples of such apps include to scramble to pay your bills while waiting to get your money Microsoft Authenticator and Authy. back. Use a separate, secret phone number Houston financial adviser Michelle Gessner told This is tough — but necessary — medicine. MarketWatch about clients who previously had been the target of identity theft. The couple once insisted to Gessner Just as a crook who knows your phone number can impersonate you and convince your cellular provider to make that they did not want to consolidate their retirement assets changes to your cellular account, a crook could call a financial with a single provider, even if it meant giving up some modest financial benefits. services provider and impersonate you in an attempt to access your retirement account.
Gessner eventually calmed the couple’s fears by pointing out that most custodians guarantee reimbursement in the event If the crook did a SIM swap and thus appears to be calling of fraudulent activity. But she told MarketWatch that their from the phone number that is associated with your retirement account, that crook might be able to convince the worry about becoming “sitting ducks” a second time “is real and understandable.” 8 Today’s BoomeR
If You Want to Travel Anywhere This Summer, Book Immediately
BOOMER TRAVEL
By Stacey Lastoe, Fodor’s Travel
sand, while others have held off (and held off again) as new variants emerged and the The latest trend leading the travel surge. ever-shifting CDC guidance challenged previous Less than 24 hours before I was scheduled to understandings of what was okay and what board a flight to Costa Rica, it finally happened to wasn’t when it came to leaving our homes and me: I tested positive for COVID-19. Instead of participating in the world at large. Others still are snorkeling, paddleboarding, and seeking stuck staying home, including afternoon respite in the shade with a cold many immunocompromised and families with beverage in a tropical destination, I found myself young children. relegated to my couch in Brooklyn. Much of the American public appears to be trying The disappointment felt so intense that upon to move past the pandemic. And for a growing recovery and with my husband’s encouragement, number of vaccinated adults, many who’ve I booked a solo trip to Miami, Florida. The long experiencing break-through cases or experienced weekend, which included a splurge-worthy stay mild symptoms, and who’ve recovered on a at The Setai, served as a reward for getting standard timeline, the call to travel beckons. through quarantine and getting over COVID. Prices Won’t Drop, so Book Now Although I’d been eager to travel before I tested Nadine Maffre admits her family’s recent trip to positive, now I was downright ravenous for an London came about a bit impulsively. Maffre, a escape. travel writer based in France, had plans to take Turns out, I’m in good company. “Revenge her son to London well before the word travel,” vengeful travel, carpe diem travel— “coronavirus” ever entered the conversation, but whatever you want to call it is happening all over then travel restrictions and rising cases in the UK the world at an increasingly rapid pace. forced her and her husband to put the trip on It’s hardly surprising that the past two years have hold indefinitely. That is until the family of three became infected with COVID. “Knowing we would left many a travel lover bereft, anxious, and antsy. Some of us have dipped careful toes in the benefit from a period of natural immunity, Today’s BoomeR 9
combined with the easing of travel restrictions to/from the booked a trip after recently surviving COVID. UK, I booked our trip to London for a week after we all Getting and surviving COVID is exactly the impetus that tested negative!” Maffre says. inspired Julie Bogen, senior editor at The Atlantic, and her Traveling during the school holidays meant increased husband Jake Wyse to plan an early spring beach vacation prices, which Maffre says they would’ve typically tried to in Miami. For the Maryland-based couple, whose two-yearavoid. But not at this juncture. They’d been waiting so long old daughter will be sitting this trip out to give mom and to take this trip that Maffre admits she spent more than dad some much-needed couples’ time, the three-day she normally would have. “I wanted to make it especially vacation is less about feeling like they deserve a nice memorable! And there was a sense of urgency with us getaway and more a result of no longer feeling “debilitated having just recovered from COVID—it felt like a safer time by fear,” says Bogen. “We are making a conscious decision to travel there.” to dip our toes back into the water of normal life behavior with the understanding that COVID isn’t going anywhere.” Industry insiders like Felix Brambilla, CEO of Overseas Leisure Group, a B2B luxury travel platform, also discuss Bogen says they’re “splurging on the hotel we this sense of urgency, albeit with the importance of had wanted to stay at the first time we went three years booking now due to increased travel demand and price ago but couldn’t justify at the time, and we’ve already considerations. “I do recommend booking in advance as booked two (also outdoor) meal reservations—one flights and accommodation prices are not decreasing at Mandolin, which I’ve been dying to try, and one anytime soon,” Brambilla says, adding that “The strong at Kyu where we’ve been before.” inflation of luxury lodging has not deterred travelers from Rates across highly-sought out travel regions are planning ahead either.” significantly higher than previous years, says Fischbarg, the Brambilla is seeing this reality across domestic travel for luxury travel consultant. She points out, “the travel industry U.S. residents and destinations throughout the isn’t immune to inflation.” But people are prepared to pay Mediterranean. what it costs. “Vacations are a high priority and as travel restrictions are being lifted, the luxury traveler is willing to Luxury travel consultant Jill Fischbarg agrees, “In terms of spend to have the best experience,” Fischbarg says. summer travel, it’s essential to book now as the demand for travel is high and availability is tightening.” Whether resulting in impromptu post-COVID travel or a big (read: expensive) summer vacation, domestic or Revenge Travel Is Still Going Strong international, this particular type of travel is a hot ticket, Origin, a travel company that creates personalized trips for one which industry pros predict is only going to get hotter. its members, reports a huge uptick in bookings since “As one client said, ‘my husband now has a new lease on Omicron has slowed down and countries have dropped life,’” shares Fischbarg, who helped the couple plan a restrictions. Co-Founder and CEO Eli Bressert says the surge last-minute trip to the Bahamas after they recovered from is resulting in scarce supply “in the most sought out COVID. destinations,” as people who’ve had COVID “are now past the fear element of catching it.” This renewed desire to It’s a feat, recovering from Covid, let alone navigating the travel, which Bressert refers to as a “vengeful travel” is years-long pandemic that rocked every corner of the world; manifesting in requests for longer, farther trips to places it’s no wonder travel is heating up again. “We cannot stop such as Thailand or Chile. talking about how excited we are,” says Bogen, adding “the notion of this beach vacation, now, feels markedly Similarly, Brambilla cites “revenge travel” as one of the different.” pandemic’s travel trends that’s still going strong. And Victor Nikonets, CEO of b0arding, a travel marketplace, shares Indeed, it felt so different for me that instead of scoffing at intel from a months-long survey his company conducted. the price of the fresh coconut water served to me The survey’s findings revealed that 3 out 10 travelers oceanside, I savored every last sip. 10 Today’s BoomeR
F– (Forget) Being Old: Johnny V’s Report From the ‘22 Chicago Auto Show:
Brace Yourselves: The EVs (Electric Vehicles) Are Coming! John A. Vardalas, CAE/CUDE Founder/CEO The American BoomeR Group
This year’s 10-day show was less than usual due to the effects of the pandemic in terms of exhibits and Finding an answer to beating the winter doldrums and attendance. However, the show still featured plenty trying to move past the past two years of the Covid-19 of hands-on events, attendee demonstrations, and pandemic was a priority for this boomer. In the “year plenty of cool rides. of the tiger”, according to the Chinese Calendar, I The Chicago Auto Show is the largest and longestdecided to pounce on the chance for an adventure so running auto exposition show in North America and my journey to the returned Chicago Auto Show gave has been showcasing new vehicles since 1901. me a lot to roar about. This year marked the 114th edition and even though a Today’s BoomeR 11
bit smaller, the show did not disappoint this gearhead. Eager attendees (200,000) traveled to McCormick Place to get a look at the latest cars, trucks, SUVs, and featured EVs, including a brand-new indoor electric vehicle test track which featured a variety of new electric vehicles The show featured an array of vehicles that made their global, North American, or auto show debut including: •
2023 BMW iX/i4 M50-60
•
2022 Ford Bronco Raptor
•
Kia Sportage PHEV
•
2022 Ford GT
•
2023 Chevrolet Silverado EV
•
2022 GMC Hummer
•
2023 Chevrolet Corvette Z06
New attractions this year featured an indoor 2022 Toyota Tundra test track and Ford's two new indoor tracks to highlight their Bronco family of vehicles and latest EVs which include the F-150 Lightning and Mustang Mach-E.
The show focused attendees on the new shift that • 2022 Lexus LX 600 EVs are the vehicles of the future and to help Fan favorites returned such as Camp Jeep, Ram Truck consumers prepare for that automotive future. Territory, and Subaru’s popular National Parks The Powering Chicago EV track/test drive immersive exhibit and dog adoption where 14 dogs components of the show were a super success with were adopted from the show. The community attendees experiencing and learning about the latest element of giving is always at the auto show. EVs to hit the automotive marketplace.
12 Today’s BoomeR
This year's award winners were the 2022 Kia Carnival as Family Vehicle of the Year and the 2022 Genesis GV70 as the winner of the Luxury Family Vehicle of the Year. The Association of National Advertisers announced Honda as the recipient of the 2022 Driving Influence Award for its “Drive for Fun” digital campaign. The Show’s highlight for yours truly was the eye candy and muscle cars.
For this Boomer, the ‘22 Chicago Auto Show did not disappoint, helped put me in a Spring mode, and reinforced my “buy American” and “muscle rides rocks” mantra!
My walk through the Super-Car area getting up close and personal with Aston Martin DB 11s, Porches, and Lamborghinis was enough to make attending the show very satisfying and worthwhile. A bonus was checking out and getting the scoop on the new for 2023 Chevy Vette (Corvette) and Ford GT!
John A. Vardalas, CAE/CUDE CEO/Founder of The American BoomeR Group, is a professional speaker/ business consultant. He can be reached at jvardallas@aol.com and visiting TheAmericanBoomer.com Today’s BoomeR 13
BoomeR ConsumeR Watch: How Shrinkflation Hurts Us, From More Expensive Toilet Paper to Fewer Doritos in a Bag Companies are turning to an effective tactic to push rising inflation costs onto consumers with little notice: Shrinkflation. By Erin Arvedlund, The Philadelphia Inquirer Companies grappling with the highest inflation in 40 years face a quandary: How can they pass along rising costs without obvious price hikes that drive customers away? The answer is “shrinkflation.” While consumers are keenly focused on the price of goods, they are less aware of small changes to the size or volume of products. Shaving a few pretzels or cookies from familiar packaging or reducing the size of a drink container ever so slightly can save companies money. And consumers often don’t notice that they’re paying the same for less. “Shrinkflation is a way to disguise inflation, and we see it commonly with food and beverages, or disposables [products] like garbage bags, things with a lot of turnover,” said Chris Motola, a financial analyst at MerchantMaverick.com, a comparison site for small businesses shopping for financial services. “This is not a new thing.” But shrinkflation — a mash-up of the words shrink and inflation — is a tool most companies repeatedly use without penalty. A few eagle-eyed shoppers may home in on the slightest change to their favorite brands. But if a company labels its product clearly and accurately, shrinkflation is perfectly legal. “It’s not fraud,” Motola said. “But they count on consumers not to do the math.” Edgar Dworsky, editor of ConsumerWorld.org, a 14 Today’s BoomeR
consumer newsletter and advocacy group, can rattle off a list of products downsized by the shrinkflation treatment. Over roughly the last six months, Procter & Gamble’s Gain detergent has sold less liquid — 154 ounces, down from 165 ounces — but in the same bottle fetching the same price, Dworsky noted. “Over the past 60 years, we’ve seen Charmin toilet paper go from 650 single-ply sheets on a roll to the equivalent of 90% less,” to under 70 sheets a roll today, said Dworsky, a former assistant attorney general in Massachusetts and consumer advocate. P&G did not respond to requests for comment. Most recently, Charmin ultra soft “mega” rolls shrank from 264 double-ply sheets a roll to 244 sheets. And “super mega” rolls dropped from 396 sheets to 366 sheets. “It’s a backdoor price increase,” he said. “Some companies might be doing both. A big price increase is blunted because they reduce the product a little and raise the price a little.” Shrinkflation might sneak by shoppers, but the Labor Department’s Bureau of Labor Statistics, which releases inflation data, tracks some products by quantity and weight and will note a price increase if consumer pay the same for less, the Wall Street Journal reported. For example, Cottonelle toilet paper, made by KimberlyClark, also shrank mega rolls from 340 one-ply sheets to
312 sheets. Cottonelle’s soft version dropped from 284 two-ply sheets to 268 sheets. Texas-based KimberlyClark, also the maker of the Kleenex and Huggies brands, among others, didn’t respond to a request for comment.
“Candy sellers are one of the biggest culprits,” Dworsky said. Food giant Mondelez faced legal action in 2017 over creating more space between peaks of Toblerone chocolate bars, and ended up changing back to the previous shape. “Consumers need to be net-weight conscious, not just price conscious,” Dworsky said. Dworsky bought Gatorade recently at his local Stop & Shop supermarket outside Boston and paid $1.19 for both a 32-ounce bottle and for a smaller, newer 28-ounce bottle. “They were both on the shelf at the same time. It’s happening very quickly. So load up on the bigger sizes while you can.”
-Lay subsidiary confirmed to Quartz that its Doritos bags are holding fewer chips because of inflation. “Inflation is hitting everyone. … We took just a little bit out of the bag so we can give you the same price and you can keep enjoying your chips,” a spokesperson told the online business news website. Some companies blame commodity prices, others blame high energy prices, which add to transportation or packaging costs. U.S. inflation climbed to a 7.9% annual rate in February as energy prices rocketed higher amid the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Investment firm UBS expects inflation “to stay elevated in the near term and decline in the second half of this year,” said Julie Fox, Northeast market head at UBS Private Wealth Management. Jesus Fernández-Villaverde, a University of Pennsylvania economics professor, agreed but stressed that nothing is certain. “It’s more likely that [inflation] will decrease” later this year, he said. “But am I sure? Not really.” Corporations that move to raise prices, however, risk public backlash and even scrutiny from public officials.
Lawmakers in Washington held a hearing on inflation and corporate America earlier this month. Following the event, Kyle Herrig, president of the watchdog advocacy Gatorade beverages and other products are group Accountable.US, accused a spectrum of industries manufactured by parent company PepsiCo, which didn’t — including meat packers, railroad, trucking, and respond to a request for comment. The company’s Frito shipping companies — of using the pandemic as cover for raising prices. Companies “pretend like they have no choice but to inflate prices at the same time they brag of enormous profits and payouts to their shareholders,” Herrig said. Some Companies Just Hike Prices Pennsylvania-based Hershey is among the wide swath of companies that began raising retail prices in earnest last year, according to its most recent earnings call. Hershey has also dabbled in shrinkflation in recent years, shrinking Hershey Kisses and Reese’s packages, said Dworsky. “They came up with very weird package sizes like 17.9 Today’s BoomeR 15
ounces for some bags of Kisses and 8.94 ounces for a bag of assorted chocolates,” he said.
sufferers. Her sales online at Etsy.com also rebounded as the COVID-19 pandemic fades.
Hershey said inflation rates “are the highest they’ve been in 40 years, impacting every aspect of costs to do business. Like most companies, we announced pricing increases last year that are on-shelf now as a result,” said spokeswoman Allison Kleinfelter.
But this year, as inflation rose, “my material costs are up 15% to 20%,” she said. Instead of raising prices, she pared back on selling bulk sizes.
Supply chain woes also contributed. The majority of Lewis’ paper and plastic packaging comes from a “Most of the pricing was list price increases due to the supplier in South Korea. Mostly the price hikes derive increasing cost of doing business across the value from plastic containers and dispensers, “anything that chain,” she said, as opposed to shrinking packaging. has a mechanism, plastic or with a pump or click top,” she said. “There are certain things that I couldn’t find Even the Golden Arches has grappled with food costs by new suppliers, and they were back-ordered last year.” trimming portion size. McDonald’s offerings “are shrinking. Prices are going up. It’s just insane what’s To fight inflation on the soaps, lotions and candles, she happening in the restaurant industry,” former buys her ingredients in bulk, such as food-grade argan McDonald’s USA CEO Ed Rensi told Fox host Neil Cavuto oil, tallow, wax, and soybean oil. in February. Rensi was the company’s president and And how much do companies actually save using CEO from 1991 to 1997. shrinkflation? Are Bundles Shrinking? “That’s something economists have tried to measure for Many “goods” in a modern economy are a bundle of 25 years,” said Penn’s Fernández-Villaverde. “But we services — which could be shrinking, as well. haven’t come up with a good way to do it. Changing the price can be costly, so cutting service is less noticeable.” Fernández-Villaverde, the Penn economics professor, said “think about the bundle as everything that goes Hidden price with a product such as an airline flight — the meal, the increases and fees drinks, the ambience, the serving size, or how useful is have become so the customer service.” problematic that the Consumer Trimming complimentary snacks, longer wait times for Financial customer service, and the reduction of a points Protection Bureau, promotion program are all ways of cutting into a is asking bundle, Fernández-Villaverde said. “You take your car to Americans to notify the regulator of “junk fees” they’re the dealer for maintenance, and they charge $150. They charged, including resort fees added to hotel bills and don’t change the sticker price, but there’s no loaner service fees on concert ticket prices as well as late fees, car,” he added as a further example. “That’s inflation return fees, stop payment fees, check image fees, through the back door.” foreign transaction fees, account closure fees, inactivity Lee Lewis, who owns and operates Exit000Skincare, fees, fees to investigate fraudulent activity, or fees in based in West Cape May, N.J., said the economic the mortgage closing process. recovery has been a mixed blessing. Consumers who have an issue with a consumer financial Shoppers previously confined at home are now getting product or service can submit a complaint with the out and spending in her store, buying her hand-mixed CFPB online or by calling (855) 411-CFPB (2372). natural soaps, cosmetics, and lotions made for eczema 16 Today’s BoomeR
The US is in a Retirement Crisis. Here's What You Need to Know By Deb Hipp, MediaFeed
are one of the most important 1. Outliving savings is a strong possibility methods of saving for retirement, Today’s workers plan to live to age 90 (median), 49% of private sector workers had according to the 2019 survey "What is Retirement? no access to such a plan in 2014, Three Generations Prepare for Old Age" by the according to "Retirement in Transamerica Center for Retirement Studies. America: Out of Reach for Most A Northwestern Mutual study found that on average, Americans", a 2018 report from the people think they have a 45% chance of outliving National Institute on Retirement Security. their savings, yet 41% have taken no steps to start If your employer sponsors a 401(k) or other saving more. retirement plan, join and contribute, especially if the You may be able to improve your retirement outlook company matches a portion of your contributions. by bumping contributions to retirement savings to at Those employer matches can help build a substantial least 15%, reviewing and adjusting your asset mix retirement nest egg faster. If no 401(k) is available portfolio and delaying Social Security retirement through your employer, you can still contribute to an benefits, according to a 2018 Fidelity Investments Individual Retirement Account (IRA). study on retirement preparedness. 4. Many are still recovering from the Great 2. Many workers lack retirement savings Recession Nearly 1 in 5 (17%) Baby Boomers have less than According to the Transamerica survey, around 20% of $5,000 in retirement savings and 20% have less than respondents have “fully recovered” and 37% have $5,000 in personal savings, according to the 2019 “somewhat recovered” from the Great "Planning & Progress Study: Work and Retirement" Recession. However, 14% have “not yet begun to by Northwestern Mutual. Gen-Xers have more time recover” and 8% feel they may “never recover.” left to save, but 21% also have less than $5,000 saved Nearly 1 in 4 millennials and Gen-Xers (both 23%) say for retirement, and 22% have under $5,000 in they “have not yet begun to recover” or think they personal savings, according to the study. may “never recover” from the Great Recession, Start saving early and consistently, recommends the compared with 19% of baby boomers who don’t feel Transamerica survey. Build an emergency savings they’ve recovered financially. fund to help prevent acquiring new debt or making 5. Most Americans don’t know how much they need early withdrawals from retirement funds. for retirement 3. Limited access to employer-sponsored retirement More than half (56%) of Americans don’t know how plans much money they will need to retire comfortably, Even though employer-sponsored retirement plans according to the Northwestern Mutual study. On top
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of that, many people base their retirement income needs on erroneous beliefs about expenses in retirement or fail to take advantage of retirement savings account opportunities.
Unless you work for the government, the days of receiving a monthly pension check after retiring are mostly gone. In 1975, around 88% of private-sector workers with a workplace retirement plan had pension coverage, according to a report on More than 1 in 4 Baby Boomers incorrectly assume American’s views of the retirement crisis by the that Medicare will pay for long-term care costs, according to "Boomer Expectations for Retirement", a National Institute on Retirement (NIRS). 2019 report by the Insured Retirement Institute, an In 2006, there were around 29,000 private sector association for the retirement income industry. pensions, but that number fell to 22,000 by 2014, according to the NIRS report. By 2016, only 15% of Around 1 in 6 boomers don’t participate in their private sector workers participated in a traditional workplace contribution plan. Only 55% of Boomers have any money saved for retirement, and nearly half pension plan, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. of the 45% without savings used to have retirement savings at one time.
8. Most people have no back-up plan if retirement arrives early Only 26% of workers have a back-up plan if they’re forced to retire early, according to the Transamerica survey. Factors that could prompt an unexpected early retirement include job loss, health problems or becoming incapacitated due to an accident. A retirement back-up plan could include savings, disability insurance and/or long-term care insurance in case retirement comes early due to unforeseen circumstances. 9. Possible Social Security cuts loom
6. Many people can’t afford to retire at age 65 Around 46% of Americans plan to work past age 65, and more than half of them say they’ll work longer mainly because they have to, according to the Northwestern Mutual study. Top reasons for planning to work past 65 out of necessity include not having enough savings for a comfortable retirement (78%), inadequate Social Security benefits to live on (56%) and rising health care costs (49%), the study found. 7. Pensions are a thing of the past for most non-government employees 18 Today’s BoomeR
Many people expect Social Security retirement benefits to fund a portion or all their retirement income. However, Social Security is fully funded only through 2033. After that, the government benefits program is only three-quarters financed. “Both Social Security and Medicare face long-term financing shortfalls under currently scheduled benefits and financing,” according to the Social Security Administration.
This article originally appeared on Debt.com and was syndicated by MediaFeed.org.
Precious Metal IRA: How To Invest For Retirement With Gold And Silver By Kat Tretina, John Schmidt, Forbes
How Much of Your IRA Should Include Precious When the stock market gets rough, some investors seek Metals? out safe-haven investments like precious metals. While If you decide to invest in a precious metal IRA, you gold, silver and palladium are subject to their own should do so conservatively. Depending on your forms of volatility, many believe them to be superior financial situation, most experts recommend you invest long-term investment choices for retaining and growing no more than 5% to 10% of your retirement funds in value. precious metals. You can’t hold physical precious metal in a regular individual retirement account (IRA). However, there are specially designed precious metal IRAs that let you invest for retirement using gold, palladium, silver and other valuable metals.
What Is a Precious Metal IRA? A precious metal IRA is a special form of self-directed individual retirement account. Self-directed IRAs allow you to invest in a broad variety of unconventional assets, including precious metals, real estate and even cryptocurrency. These are beyond the usual options available in a conventional IRA, though they have virtually identical traits outside of this, including the same contribution limits.
The experts cite this low figure for a number of reasons. First, well-designed portfolios are diversified, which means they don’t take on unnecessary risk by investing strictly in one asset or type of asset. In other words, no trustworthy financial advisor would recommend that you invest all of your assets in precious metals. Second, while gold and other metals have historically held their value over the long term, they may lag the performance of other asset classes, such as stocks, especially when considering reinvested dividend growth. Those looking to continue growing their retirement funds, then, may shortchange themselves if they own too many precious metals.
Finally, keep in mind that these “safe haven” metals may not even be that safe. While investors flock to According to Kelli Click, president of the STRATA Trust them in times of trouble, they have been just as volatile Company—a self-directed IRA custodian that specializes as stocks historically. And though prices rise when the in gold and other metals—precious metal IRAs are an market struggles, they tend to fall once stocks recover. avenue some people use as part of their retirement Investments like high-quality bonds or Treasury plan because gold, silver and palladium have historically Inflation-Protected Securities (TIPS), then, may be grown in value over the very long term. better options for those seeking security and inflation “Adding gold or precious metals to your retirement hedging. account may help protect your wealth in several ways, That said, if you want to include physical precious including reducing your potential investment volatility metals in your IRA, you have a few options. and risk, serving as a hedge in the event of an economic downtown and providing a tax-efficient shelter for What Precious Metals Can You Invest in for potential gains,” she says. Retirement? With precious metal IRAs, you can invest in gold, silver, Today’s BoomeR 19
platinum or palladium. That said, you can’t invest in just any gold, silver, platinum or palladium. The IRS has specific standards your precious metals have to meet:
IRA, including setup fees, transaction fees, custodial fees and physical asset storage fees,” he warns. You can’t avoid most of those fees either. You can’t, for example, store precious metals you’ve invested in your IRA in your own home, according to IRS rules. If you do, you risk additional taxes and penalties. And even if you could, storing precious metals at home is risky. If there were a robbery, for instance, you could lose at least a chunk of your retirement savings.
• Gold must be 99.5% pure
How to Open a Precious Metal IRA
• Silver must be 99.9% pure
Opening a self-directed IRA and investing in precious metals is slightly more complicated than opening a traditional IRA or Roth IRA. Here’s what you’ll need to do:
• Platinum must be 99.95% pure • Palladium must be 99.95% pure Acceptable products that meet these criteria include Canadian Maple Leaf coins, Australian Koala bullion coins and PAMP Suisse bars. The IRS also allows American Eagle coins, despite the fact that they do not meet the 99.5% purity standard for gold. You cannot currently hold rare or collectible coins, Swiss Francs, British Sovereigns and German Marks in a self-directed IRA.
1. Select a Self-Directed IRA Custodian
Special Considerations for Precious Metal IRAs
2. Choose a Precious Metals Dealer
Because they involve the purchase and storage of valuable physical metals, you have to consider a few extra things when thinking about precious metal IRAs. Perhaps the most important is that precious metal IRAs are more expensive than other investment options, according to Drew Feutz, a certified financial planner (CFP) with Market Street Wealth Management Advisors. “A precious metal IRA will have more fees than a normal 20 Today’s BoomeR
Your self-directed IRA is held by a custodian. Custodians can be banks, trust companies or other entities approved by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS). Self-directed IRA custodians enable investors to invest in alternative assets, including precious metals and real estate.
Next, select a precious metals dealer. You’ll direct the IRA custodian to send money to the dealer to purchase gold, silver, platinum or palladium. “Before choosing a dealer and buying precious metals with your IRA funds, you’ll want to do your own research,” says Click. “Look for a dealer that belongs to industry trade groups like American Numismatic Association (ANA), Industry Council for Tangible Assets
(ICTA) or Professional Numismatists Guild (PNG) to help with your search.” Your IRA custodian may also already have relationships with certain dealers, but be sure to do your own research to confirm their quality. 3. Decide What Products to Buy You’ll need to work with the dealer to select which products to buy. One of the most common choices is American Eagle Bullion Coins issued by the U.S. Mint. 4. Choose a Depository Precious metals invested in a self-directed IRA must be stored in an approved depository, such as the Delaware Depository. Your IRA custodian can recommend a depository, but you can select one on your own that meets the Internal Revenue Code’s requirements. Remember: You cannot store precious metals for your IRA yourself. 5. Complete the Transaction Once you have a custodian, dealer and depository, you can complete your purchase. The IRA custodian will handle the payments, and the dealer will ship your precious metals to the depository.
you turn 72. These minimum withdrawals may become more complicated because you’ll be forced to take them in intervals matching the whole pieces of precious metal you own, and individual precious metals can retail for thousands of dollars per ounce. This may result in you having to withdraw more value than you would if you were dealing strictly with U.S. dollars. And if you take in-kind distributions, you’ll have to sell your metals quickly or have cash available to pay the taxes you owe on the precious metals that are shipped to you.
Should You Open a Precious Metal IRA? Precious metal IRAs may be a viable option for some investors concerned about inflation and market volatility. However, they are more expensive than some other investment options, and they may carry more risk than more traditional IRAs. Precious metal IRAs generally only make sense, then, if you have a strong portfolio and want to diversify your investments by setting aside a small portion for physical gold, silver, platinum or palladium.
If you want easier exposure to these investments without having to open a special kind of IRA or find custodians, dealers and depositories, consider investing in securities like exchange-traded funds (ETFs) When you take a withdrawal, you have two options: or mutual funds that track precious metal indexes or • In-Kind Distributions: You can have the actual precious prices. These can offer you the kind of exposure you metal shipped to you after the distribution. may want to alternative assets with less cost and risk, • Depository Purchase: You can opt for the depository and you can hold them in the retirement accounts you to purchase the metal from you, giving you the dollar already have. value of your investment. “It’s so easy and cost effective to hold precious metals In either situation, you will contact your custodian to through ETFs and mutual funds that there doesn’t seem start the transaction. Remember, though, that precious to be a compelling factor to use a precious metal IRA,” metal IRAs are subject to the same rules as normal IRAs. says Feutz. Your investments can appreciate in value without In either case, remember that precious metals and taxation while they’re in the account, but when you precious metal funds should add just a little sparkle to withdraw them, you may owe taxes and penalties, your retirement funds, not depending on your account type and how old you are. become your whole By that same token, you’re required to start investment strategy. taking required minimum distributions (RMDs) when
How Do You Make a Withdrawal from a Precious Metal IRA?
Today’s BoomeR 21
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BOOMER HEALTHY EATING: Carne de res con col – Chiapan Beef & Cabbage Combining a cheap cut of beef with cabbage might seem like peasant food, and in many places, it is just that. Relegating it as such, however, absolutely diminishes the delightful flavors and textures such a dish provides. It is, in fact, worthy of many experiments. Carne de res con col, from the Mexican state of Chiapas, is a stellar example.
Mexico
second largest cacao producer, and roughly 60% of Mexico’s coffee comes from there.
By Chef Eben Atwater www.urbanmonique.com
Chiapan cuisine focuses more on the indigenous than many Mexican states do, with chiles, cacao, beans, avocados and foraged plants, herbs, and mushrooms at the fore. While game makes up a solid part of a rural Chiapan diet, Spanish influence is felt in larger towns and cities. There, beef, pork, and chicken are found, with beef far and away the most popular. Employing cabbage as a major note in a dish isn’t unique, or odd at all for that matter. Cabbage happens to be quite good for us – it’s rich in vitamins C, most of the important B’s, A, K, as well as several trace minerals and omega 3 fatty acids. It’s also delicious, and there’s a lovely variety to choose from. There’s the ubiquitous red and green, savoy, napa, bok choy, and of course, Brussels sprouts, just for starters. In Spanish, it’s called Col or Repollo, and it’s grown and eaten widely.
I came across this recipe years ago, through Diana Kennedy’s Essential Cuisines of Mexico. Therein she describes eating this one morning in the market in Tapachula, Chiapas, a city way down in the southwest corner of the state. One might raise an eyebrow at eating carne de res con col for breakfast, but I wouldn’t – on a fresh tortilla, this is heaven at any time of day. Such a dish makes perfect sense in a Chiapas market. More than half its people work in agriculture, with cacao and coffee the heavy hitters – Chiapas is the
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Just like New England boiled dinner, bubble and squeak, lions head, or southern smothered cabbage, dishes combining cabbage and meat are savored worldwide. In Mexican regional cooking, cabbage comes into play for everything from tacos to stew, and soup to cabbage rolls. I love carne de res con col because cabbage plays a major role, and it really delivers. The name translates as beef with cabbage, giving away almost nothing while suggesting quite a bit. Make it once and you’ll get hooked. Change nothing but the cabbage and it’ll be a whole new thing. You can use any cut of beef you like, so it’s perfect for leftovers. I highly recommend ground meat – it integrates best.
This is a large batch, meant to produce ample leftovers. While the cabbage won’t be crisp the next day, it will still lend itself wonderfully to a sauced rice dish, soup, stew, or chimi’s. You can halve this without changing ratios if you prefer. If you use something other than ground beef, dice it so it will cook evenly with the other ingredients. I like white beans in mine for their ability to soak up flavors, but here again, a change will bring something new altogether – Blacks or pintos or anything from Rancho Gordo would be great. A deep skillet is a great cooking vessel for this – Kennedy didn’t say what the version she had was cooked in, but if I had to guess, I’d give a clay comal over charcoal the nod. As you’ll see from my image, a wok works great as well. Just make sure whatever you use is large enough to allow you to stir freely, and that the ingredients aren’t crowded – the dish counts on the liquids being evenly distributed and absorbed.
Chiapan cuisine does not use as heavy a hand with chiles as most other Mexican regions do – though that’s not to say that they don’t like heat – they do. Their signature chile is the chile de siete caldos, the seven broth chile, implying that one of those Finally, to really nail the bad boys has the horsepower to ignite seven batches of dish, you want to make whatever. a paste of the garlic, Chiapan seasoning tends toward warmer, sweeter notes, like salt, and peppercorns. cinnamon, pineapple, raisins, pears, pumpkin seeds common in The proper tools for this dishes and sauces. There’s German influence there too, in the are a molcajete and beer and the coffee, and in some local cured meats – which tejolote, the traditional opens another interesting avenue of recipe development. Mexican stone mortar and pestle – as with This version is what I do, after Diana Kennedy’s introduction, and those who swear that a subsequent take on the dish by Steve Sando of Rancho Gordo, proper guacamole wherein he introduced beans, (of course he did!) You can and requires these, I’d tell should make a version to call your own. you this one does too. 24 Today’s BoomeR
Urban Carne de Res con Col Ingredients: •
1 1/2 Pounds Beef
•
1 head Cabbage
•
2 Roma Tomatoes
•
1 small sweet Onion
•
2 Hatch or Anaheim Chiles
•
1 Cup cooked Beans
•
4-6 fat cloves fresh Garlic
•
3/4 Cup Stock (beef, chicken or veggie are all fine)
•
2 Tablespoons Avocado Oil
•
1/2 Cup fresh Celery Leaf (original recipe uses cilantro, which is wonderful too)
minutes.
•
8 Black Peppercorns
•
2 teaspoons Salt
Turn heat up to medium high, and add the beef. Stir well to incorporate and sauté until most of the raw red color is cooked out.
Directions: Trim and peel garlic.
Add the tomatoes, stir to incorporate, and continue sautéing until the tomato juice is largely absorbed, about 2 minutes.
Add the cabbage, beans, and celery leaf or cilantro and stir to incorporate and heat through a bit, about 1-2 minutes.
If you don’t have a molcajete, combine salt and peppercorns in a Add the stock, stir to incorporate, and reduce heat to medium spice blender, and grind to a powder. Crush, then mince the low. garlic, and combine all three ingredients in a small bowl. Simmer until the mixture is fully combined and coated, moist If you have the molcajete, add garlic, salt, and peppercorns and but not wet, about 8-10 minutes. process into a paste. Serve with fresh tortillas, and whatever else you like, but you Add the spice paste to your beef. won’t need much of anything else except cervesa frio. Swirl 2 tablespoons of stock around in your molcajete (or bowl) to loosen up anything left in there, then add that to the meat mixture. Massage the mix well by hand to fully incorporate, then set aside to marry while you prep everything else. End trim and dice tomatoes. Trim, peel and dice onion – you want a packed 1/2 cup. Trim and dice chiles. Chiffonade celery leaf or cilantro. In a heavy skillet over medium heat, add the oil and allow to heat through. Add onion and chiles, a pinch of salt and a couple twists of pepper. Sauté until the onion turns translucent, about 2
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Old Enough for Sex : Dear Therapist: My Husband Secretly Donated Sperm. Now There’s a Kid. I feel betrayed and angry that he kept this from me for so many years.
Dear Therapist,
our own sense of reality. There are many forms of betrayal, including infidelity, secrets, and lies, but regardless of what form it takes, when trust in a relationship is broken, gone too is the feeling of safety that was built upon that trust.
Without telling me, my husband donated sperm back in the ’90s, when we were newly married. We were both students, and we had one child and another on the way. We had talked about ways we could earn money, and we both agreed sperm and egg donation were not a good option. He told me that he understood my concerns and agreed not to do this.
As a result, a person who has been betrayed might experience depression, anxiety, anger, hypervigilance, shame, intrusive thoughts, self-doubt, insomnia, numbness, or panic attacks. But many betrayed people themselves also feel confused, and have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing all of these emotions.
Years passed, and in 2017 he received a notification from a DNA website saying that he had a new match: a biological child conceived from one of his donations. He began to communicate with this child—sharing pictures, stories, and a lot of personal information—but never told me about her. He did, however, inform our adult children, as this person would show up as a sibling match if they did genetic testing. I found out by accident just a few months ago when I overheard my daughter asking him if he had told me yet.
What makes processing feelings after a betrayal so challenging is that you’re left wondering not only whether you can trust your partner, but whether you can trust your own perceptions.
By Lori Gottlieb, The Atlantic
I remember a patient whose husband had been leading a double life. He had been having an affair for years; he’d gotten his lover pregnant, and she was about to have his baby. When his wife discovered all of this, she no longer knew what to make of her life with him. Were her memories real? For example, that romantic vacation—was I feel very betrayed and angry that he kept this secret from her version of the trip accurate or was it some fiction, me for so many years and asked our children to harbor given that he had been having his affair at that time? She this secret too. It also bothers me that he has engaged in a felt robbed of both her marriage and her memories. secret relationship with the daughter conceived from his Your husband, too, has been leading a double life for the donation. It feels like the family we had together, the only past 20 years—and quite actively for the past five. You say family I thought we each had, isn’t enough. It has also that you want to forgive him and trust him again, caused some hurt for me with my children. I want to but forgiveness and trust are two different things. forgive him and learn to trust him again, but there are just Forgiveness comes from a shift inside of you, and trust so many confusing feelings. comes from a shift from him. You may never forgive him, Anonymous but you don’t need to forgive him in order to move Santa Fe, N.M. forward together. Instead, you might come to a place of understanding and trust, depending on how he handles Dear Anonymous, things now. I can see why you’re feeling confused. Betrayal, especially by someone close to us such as a parent or partner, causes A person who wants to establish trust going forward will acknowledge the full extent of his actions, understand why us to question not just the person who betrayed us, but
26 Today’s BoomeR
what he did was wrong, offer a specific apology, demonstrate genuine remorse, and show patience and empathy for the pain he has caused. He will also actively engage in healing, which generally includes improving communication, taking action to make things right in whatever ways he can, and gaining insight into the issues that led to his betrayal so that he doesn’t lie to you again.
that the betrayal wasn’t theirs?
If your husband is willing to take full responsibility for his deceitful actions and engage in healing with you, this painful experience might be what’s called a “gift in a garbage bag.” Your marriage will strengthen because whatever issues he has around honesty, or the two of you might have around communication or avoidance, will now As part of this process, he should be able to put an end to be out in the open and finally addressed. You’ll need to his secret life by sharing it with you in full. This would start grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had, but with his talking openly about why he deceived you early in as painful as that is, you might get something better. Not the marriage after agreeing to not donate sperm. You only will you learn more about each other’s inner life and might learn, for instance, that with both of you still hopefully feel closer and more connected, but you’ll also students, and with one child and another on the way, he become more skilled at working together to navigate felt terrified about whether the two of you would be able differences that come up, such as your respective comfort to manage financially and, despite your objection, he levels with this new person in your lives. believed (true or not) that this was the only way out. If, however, your husband isn’t willing to take Perhaps in his youth he didn’t consider the future responsibility or actively engage in working through this consequences of having other children out there—or betrayal, that’s helpful information too. It’s a different perhaps he did, but justified them to himself in his “gift in a garbage bag,” but a gift nonetheless. Because desperation. He should also share with you what it has without saying a word, your husband is giving you the been like for him to sit with the knowledge all these years honesty you deserve, even if the message is that he’s not that there might be children from his donation. Did he sign willing to change and doesn’t appreciate the impact his up with a DNA site because he worried the truth might dishonesty has had on you. It’s better to know this about come out, or because he hoped to find any biological him than to be caught off guard again, and this knowledge, children he had? And what has it been like for him to have no matter how upsetting, lets you reclaim your agency. a relationship with his biological daughter while hiding You can sort through your feelings and gain clarity, something so significant from you? Consider, too, that this perhaps with the help of a therapist, and make choices might not be an isolated incident, and that if he struggles about your future with eyes wide open. In the end, no with honesty more generally, or there’s a dynamic matter what your husband does—whether he works to between you that makes open communication restore trust or tries to sweep his actions under the rug— challenging, now is the time to get all of this on the table. as long as you’re honest with yourself, one thing will be Meanwhile, you can share with him the truth of your true: Your husband may have betrayed you, but you won’t experience—the profound effect his lying has had on you, betray yourself. what the many layers of deception have done to your Editor’s Note: On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb answers sense of trust and safety, how you feel about his choice to a reader’s question about a problem, big or small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com. secretly involve your adult children in this, and the concerns and fears you have regarding his other Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, daughter’s role in your lives. You can also do some repair work with your children, who were recruited as reluctant co-conspirators in the deceit and were placed in an impossible bind—to protect one parent while harming the other. Can you appreciate the unfair burden their father put on them, and understand
diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
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Celebrating 10 Years 2012-2022!
28 Today’s BoomeR
