T.O.F.U. #14

HELPING THE ANIMALS?

IS BURNING OUT AND FADING AWAY

SMOKE SIGNALS

ISSUE 14 BURNOUT MARCH 2019

Issue 14

About the Cover

Totally and Obviously Fucked Up is a pro-intersectional, anti-oppression, vegan magazine that aims to extend the conversation beyond the plate.

Since 2007, T.O.F.U. has been independently publishing the work of authors, artists, activists, and other awesome associates in order to do exactly that. Thanks to readers like you, their words and artwork have been seen around the world.

This was honestly one of those cover concepts that came to me rather easily, which is more than I can say for the issue itself. More on that later though.

As activists, especially ones considering more than a single issue, it’s very easy to burn the candle at both ends. In fact, some might argue you have to burn it more than that to really do all that needs to be done.

So, in continuing with the food theme, it seemed simple enough to replace the proverbial candle

For more information, please visit tofumagazine.com.

with a bit of asparagus. What didn’t turn out to be

© 2019 T.O.F.U. Magazine

burning vegetable.

easy was capturing the smoke from the quickly

Thankfully, after a bit of kerosene, a surprising number

Editor ryan@tofumagazine.com

Subscriptions

of asparagus (seriously, those things are expensive when you shop on an island in Eastern Canada!), and a little bit of luck, the cover shot happened.

patreon.com/tofumagazine

Advertising ads@tofumagazine.com

Personally, I like to think the moment we captured represented the point where the asparagus had little more to give, and it’s that moment that this issue set out to focus on.

Special Thanks Note: As always, Devon Crosby was behind the lens, Kudos to my Patreon subscribers who went above and beyond the usual pledge level: Dan Hanley, Don Nicholson, me&you. Body, and Reiner Beh Also, continued thanks and appreciation to A Well-Fed World for supporting the work of T.O.F.U. for so long.

I ISSUE 14 TOFUMAGAZINE.COM

and a tremendous thanks goes out to him for his continued support of this whole project.

The Artists Monika Andreković

Matt Gauck

Monika Andreković is a vegan artivist living

Matt Gauck is a freelance illustrator and

in Stratford, Ontario, Canada. She loves

screen printer living the rural life in Whittier,

meditation, volunteering at Cedar Row Farm

North Carolina, U.S.A. He spends most of his

Sanctuary, cycling, and whole plant foods.

time drawing, skateboarding, and watching

� veganmonika.com

bad horror movies. He is also good at

�

handstands.

@veganmonika

� mattgauck.com

Julia Feliz Brueck

�

@veganpatches

Julia Feliz Brueck is a decade long vegan, mother of two, scientist, and published

Meneka Repka

author and illustrator. She is also the founder

Meneka Repka is an artist and teacher living

of Sanctuar y Publishers, a vegan book

in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She holds a PhD

publisher that gives back to marginalized

in education, and teaches both university

communities with every book sold.

and high school courses. She also runs

�

juliafelizbrueck

Nooch Greeting Cards, and is a co-founder

�

sanctuarypublishers

of VegFest Calgary.

Angie Carluccia

�

@meneka_repka

�

@noochgreetingcards

Angie Carlucci is a graphic designer living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She is a vegan foodie who loves crafts, cats, cycling, and hand-lettering for her ongoing project all about veganism (Vegan Mantras). � angiecarlucci.com �

@veganmantras

The Writers Julia Feliz Brueck

Chelsea Lincoln

Jessica Sarter

Michelle Carrera

Zoe Peled

Nicole Zelniker

Rachel Hipp

Steven Saranga

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From the Editor It seems I start each one of these letters off by talking about the struggle I went through to get the whole thing together, and even though I could surely do that with this one, the whole experience has me thinking I need to write about something else.

Within this issue, you will find plenty of stories from people that have experienced burnout, people that are possibly on the verge of it, and those that may be dealing with something entirely different.

However, what you won't find are stories from those who are simply burnt out.

Trust me, I wanted those stories too, and I tried to get them. Along with a public request for submissions, I also approached numerous people personally. In some cases, people simply chose not to respond. In other cases, people were honest and said they just didn't have the time or energy to invest in writing about why they no longer had, you guessed it, the time or energy.

And so, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this issue isn't just about the words that are on the pages or the art that introduces many of the articles.

This issue is also about the words that were not written by the people that once were vocal, and it's about the need for all of us to come together to try and keep this from happening again and again.

Like our veganism, our activism should be undertaken with the goal of maintaining it long-term. In order to do that, we need to accept our own limitations as well as those of the people around us, and we need to foster spaces where talking about such things is acceptable. Hopefully, this will help to minimize the loss of countless voices within the community, and from there we'll be able to focus on stopping the even bigger losses that we're all fighting to end.

Take care of each other,

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IN THIS ISSUE Whether it’s in a school, a sanctuary, an online community, or anywhere else, burnout is a possibility for everyone.

Here are the stories of just how it’s touched some people.

Content Warning: articles within this issue contain references to eating disorders, abuse, depression, the Holocaust, violence against animals, and suicidal thoughts/actions.

44

FOCUS

Looking Back, Looking Forward

04

FOCUS

50

ACTIVISM

When It Isn’t Actually Burnout

The Loss of an Animal

12

58

FOCUS

How Do I Add to Your Burnout?

SPOTLIGHT

Working From the Middle

36

74

ACTIVISM

Combatting Sanctuary Burnout

FOCUS

There and Back Again

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I can remember the first time I experienced activist burnout.

was causing my burnout. Creating resources to raise important issues, the voices of nonhumans and other marginalized groups, and

I was in my mid-20s, and it was a few years

even attempt to fight pseudoscience became

after going vegan. I was heavily involved in

my focus.

animal rights and vegan activism. I was also

How Do I Add to Your Burnout? on my way out of Ireland, where I had

I realize not everyone is in the position to do this though, and the idea of self-care that we

experienced life as a foreigner for the first

hear THE about (spa days, social media-free REFLECTIONS OF BURNOUT ACROSS VEGAN MOVEMENT time. At the time, I wasn’t aware of how my

days, vacations, etc.) just isn’t realistic or identities intersected to compound the WORDS AND ILLUSTRATIONS BY JULIA FELIZ BRUECKaccessible to many. As I dug deeper into burnout I experienced from different

consistent anti-oppression veganism¹, I

communities –in this case, non-vegans,

started to think more and more about how I,

racists, and xenophobes. I left Ireland in the

personally, might add to the oppression of

winter of 2011, and I think I melted into a

others and how I could try to work to help

routine of slowly watching my days go by

prevent burnout within the vegan movement

from the guest room of my aunt’s house in

itself. See, burnout isn’t one-sided. It’s not resident withinwe mainland Europe. just aboutcountry the burnout experience.

The Drawing and watching an endless list of other side of the conversation is being aware

Puerto Rico, as I waitedthe for my visatime to arrive I can remember first I so I could join my partner in our new experienced activist burnout. resident country within mainland Europe.

IDrawing was in my mid-20s, and was a few and watching anitendless listyears of

movies mind when I think of what comes fatigueto and frustrations we about may be that time.

A few months later, my visa responsible for because impact is always

after going vegan.

I waswhen heavily involved movies comes to mind I think aboutin animal rights and veganlater, activism.

I was also that time.

A few months my visa

arrived boarded a flight ready to good tackle greater and thanI intent regardless of how the next chapter of my I felt recharged intention is. Just as life; we experience

on my way of Ireland, where I had arrived andout I boarded a flight ready to tackle experienced life as a foreigner for the first the next chapter of my life; I felt recharged

and prepared for whatever came mywe way. burnout for a multitude of reasons, must

time.

At the time, I wasn’t aware how my and prepared for whatever cameof my way. identities intersected to compound the Over a decade later, I can track each and burnout I experienced from different

be mindful that we also have a hand in the Over a decade later, I can track each and oppression of others due to privilege or every experience I had with burnout through some other factor that we must work my work as a writer and artist. As I aged, against.

every experience I had withnon-vegans, burnout through communities –in this case, my workand as axenophobes. writer and artist.

As I aged, racists, I left Ireland in the

burnout turned into the frustration of not In addition, thetovoices of by being heardinbyorder thosetoI raise needed be heard

burnout intoIthe frustration of not winter ofturned 2011, and think I melted into a

animals and ensureI that –non-human both non-vegans and vegans. channelled veganism is accessible to as many people as that frustration and anger into realized ideas

being heard by those I needed to bego heard routine of slowly watching my days by by –from boththe non-vegans and I channelled guest room ofvegans. my aunt’s house in that frustration anger ideas Puerto Rico, as Iand waited forinto my realized visa to arrive that, so I could in myjoin mind, mywould partner challenge in our new whatever

possible, realized that I must work on that, in myI’ve mind, would challenge whatever root causing issues. However, what are those issues was my burnout.

Creating resources and just how do vegans from different to raise important issues, the voices of noncommunities experience burnout because of our own lack of understanding or awareness? When it comes to activist

FOCUS ISSUE 14 4

fatigue, do you know how you add to others’ burnout? Since we all experience veganism

humans and other marginalized groups, and

comes to activist fatigue, do you know how

even attempt to fight pseudoscience became

you add to others’ burnout? Since we all

my focus.

experience veganism so differently, what are ways in which mainstream veganism

I realize not everyone is in the position to do this though, and the idea of self-care that we

is adding to the burnout of vegans from different walks of life?

hear about (spa days, social media-free days, vacations, etc.) just isn’t realistic or

When interacting with members of different

accessible to many. As I dug deeper into

communities, I challenge you to keep asking

consistent anti-oppression veganism¹, I

yourself the following:

started to think more and more about how I, personally, might add to the oppression

“How do I add to your burnout?”

of others and how I could try to work to help

I dare you to push yourself beyond your own

prevent burnout within the vegan movement

self-care mindset and learn about ways in

itself. See, burnout isn’t one-sided. It’s not

which the vegan movement, as well as your

just about the burnout we experience. The

past and current activism, might be doing

other side of the conversation is being aware

more harm than good to others. Every

of what fatigue and frustrations we may be

community that we make feel unsafe,

responsible for because impact is always

unwelcome, and misunderstood means

greater than intent regardless of how good

less vegans - isn’t that the opposite of

the intention is. Just as we experience

what we want?

burnout for a multitude of reasons, we must be mindful that we also have a hand

Asking the Question

in the oppression of others due to privilege or some other factor that we must

As a marginalized person with Brown skin, I

work against.

have come to understand that I still hold privileges over others. For example, I have

In addition, in order to raise the voices of

lighter skin privilege, and so I do not

non-human animals and ensure that veganism

experience the world exactly as a Black

is accessible to as many people as possible,

person does because of anti-blackness,

I’ve realized that I must work on root issues.

which is something found across all human

However, what are those issues and just

communities because of colonialism and

how do vegans from different communities

white supremacist ideology that still form

experience burnout because of our own lack

part of society. Learning about this,

of understanding or awareness? When it

accepting my privilege, and continuing to

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We must let vegans from their own communities address their own, but we must also listen and raise their voices.

educate myself helps me to ensure that I

I work on myself, I decided to reach out to

work against adding to the oppression of the

individuals across the movement to ask

Black community as much as I am able to.

them, “Just how does the vegan movement

Anti-blackness is something that I must

add to your burnout?�

continue to work on within myself, and this is also true when it comes to other forms of

I hope the following raw, open, and honest

oppression and discrimination. In this way,

reflections serve as a stepping stone into the

and in understanding root issues and

kind of awareness that helps us all realize

interconnections, I can help fight injustice

that it’s not just about us. If we are going to

but also support Black people and ensure

achieve liberation for non-human animals,

that I am not adding to their burnout. Clearly, Black vegans exist, and therefore, antiblackness is something that they also have to deal with inside the vegan and animal rights movement. Anti-blackness is actually one form of bigotry that makes veganism unsafe for this specific community.

we will have to face the interconnections between their oppression and the oppression of humans. We must let vegans from their own communities address their own, but we must also listen and raise their voices. Building upon our tolerance,

Unfortunately, I would say all forms of

understanding, and support as a community

oppression and discrimination exist within

will help foster self-care in our collective

vegan spaces, and so in order to help

work towards helping non-vegans

readers make connections, such as the ones

understand why we choose to be vegan.

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From my experience, the mainstream vegan community has a huge problem in making veganism an inclusive endeavour. As a Muslim, dealing with misconceptions, prejudices, and discrimination is all too common.

In the United Kingdom (U.K.), where

animals by white British farmers. Earlier this

Islamophobia is unavoidable, the issue

year, I did in fact burnout; I left or muted all

of halal slaughter comes up a lot among

U.K. vegan groups on Facebook because of

vegans and non-vegans alike. Naturally,

rampant discrimination and have not

one would assume that vegans consider all

bothered with attending any local vegan

forms of exploitation against non-human

activist event because of the unwillingness

animals by humans to be violent. However,

to change approaches to activism. It is

halal slaughter is portrayed by mainstream

extremely frustrating, as there is a large

vegans as something significantly more

Muslim community in my town, who are

harmful. The emphasis of halal slaughter,

being further convinced that veganism is

even if the non-human animal is stunned, is

incompatible with Islam, which is untrue.

meant to conjure the image of cruel Brown

It is exhausting to combat the unnecessary

men who mercilessly take the life of non-

Orientalism and Islamophobia within the

human animals among white people, which

vegan community, which serves no purpose

leads white non-vegans to believe that their

but to instill some sort of reaction from

methods are “humane�, and thus, validates

orientalists and islamophobes.

the violence committed against non-human

- SHAHADA CHOWDHURY

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As a white trans non-binary vegan, the most exhausting thing is my dawning realization of just how little work we as white vegans have done, or seem prepared to do, on owning and dismantling our inner and collective white supremacy and anti-Blackness.

We talk extensively about how non-vegans

white people, collectively. I am insulated

“do not care about animals" and how we are

from the transphobia by my whiteness,

"compassionate" and “doing all that we can",

so I cannot imagine how exhausted Black

yet we are willfully ignorant of how we are

vegans, as well as Black trans and non-binary

not one iota less racist than non-vegan

vegans, must feel.

- A.C. BAKER

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As a Black woman who's been vegan for 24 years and working in environmental, social justice, and animal liberation movements for over 28 years, I have felt consistently disenfranchised by the new "mainstream" vegan culture for being vocal about animal liberation issues, saying that Black folks are and need veganism too, and for noting the erasure of those that pick our food.

This happy, happy, joy, joy capitalist

and trans antagonism from these spaces and

approach that says we're all in it for our

the all around mysoginy beat me down.

health without acknowledging the privilege that comes with that and the fact that health is not a measure of how correct we are and our right to be here is tiring. It is tiring to constantly be confronted with these seemingly well-meaning all white spaces which abstractly talk about veganism being a liberation of all and mention People of Colour only as a validation of their

The constant checking of these issues, which is often met with disdain and loss of opportunities, is beyond disappointing. I'm tired of walking into spaces that have no vision beyond the box that they've checked in their heads or the fortitude to listen when a mirror is held up to them from the margin.

I. Am. Tired.

statement, but not a reason for their practice in real life.

All of this has led me out of activist spaces and into major depression repeatedly.

I am also tired of Black spaces that are so

What keeps me coming back is the fact

self-serving in their veganism that they

that there are those of us out here thinking

forget that doing it for the animals is doing it

and growing in ways that combat the

for the culture too and that our culture

overwhelming colonization.

includes every way to be Black, including Black dykes. However, the litany of queer - LORIKIM ALEXANDER

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As a Black and Brown Indigenous transgender vegan, my burnout comes in the means of not being able to choose easily where my focus should be as an activist because I am simply trying to survive.

Part of my day-to-day life as a transgender

time to my true passions, there is the

person is working a 9-5 job to maintain my

burnout of explaining ourselves to others as

health care, and I don’t have the privilege of

queer and trans People of Colour. The

choosing what environment that is in, which

mainstream vegan movement adds to this

means I do face discrimination for who I am.

because many vegan spaces are not aware

I’d love a space that supports my dietary

of the oppressions experienced by a Black

lifestyle, but also my disabilities and is at

and Brown Indigenous Transgender vegan

least 70% Black. Outside of the burnout I

and often times, add to them.

experience because I cannot dedicate my

- KALISTO ZENDA NANEN

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Causes of burnout for me primarily stem from the fact that the vegan community is rarely a welcoming space for vegans with disabilities.

I had really severe bulimia for 10 years and

event and mention that I am on medications,

being around the diet talk and good

I will, without a doubt, get a comment about

food/bad food dichotomies triggers me. It is

how medications aren’t vegan. In addition,

hard to get away from vegans who make a

because I have no income and money is

lot of food judgments. This tends to give me

tight, I can't financially go to vegan social

anxiety about going to vegan events because

events that are at restaurants because I

I don’t want to be triggered. Often times,

can’t regularly buy meals that cost $10-$20.

vegan events aren’t accessible physically

All of these things leave me isolated from

and food-wise. I can’t go on marches or

vegans in my area. I don’t go to vegan

other physically active protests or events.

events. My best friend is vegan, so she helps

With celiac disease, I often can’t participate

prevent burnout for me, but I think because

in food-related vegan events because the

the vegan community is so unwelcoming to

food isn’t accessible/accommodating. The

disabled vegans, many disabled vegans

majority of my life is centred around my

burnout because they are so isolated.

medical treatments, yet if I go to a vegan - KEISHA MARIE, THE DISABLED VEGAN

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Since my son came, and since my illness got worse, I haven’t felt much support anywhere, especially not in the vegan parenting community. Vegan parents only want to know about healthy chubby babies, so they can "prove" that vegan kids are always perfect to the world.

I couldn't share my birth story as that would

is helping me, and it's helping Karl with his

apparently upset them. My son, Karl, is just

digestion. He's actually pretty healthy,

never going to be a chubby boy. He has

despite his conditions. But, yeah, coming

Hypoxic Eschemic Encephalopathy (HIE),

back to the parenting groups, I mostly avoid

cerebral palsy, epilepsy, a vision

them because they just don't get it, and

impairment, and can’t talk or walk. At the

when I tried to post, I was mostly ignored as

same time, I don't fully belong in the special

nobody wants to see a disabled vegan baby,

needs parenting groups as they tend to be

right? So out of every group, I found a

very non-vegan or even anti-vegan, and I

couple of people in a similar situation that I

don't feel it's an appropriate place to preach.

connected with, but mostly I feel like a

People have enough on their plates, and I

minority – a pro-intersectional,

just don't have the spoons². I don't think

neurodivergent, chronically ill vegan mum

many people can understand the kind of

with a special needs child. You know what

exhaustion I am experiencing, let alone in

though? I'm OK on my own now. I'm a

the vegan community. I do think a vegan diet

solitary person, and Karl is my universe.

- MARTINA PIANTINA

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Mainstream veganism loves to use the Holocaust (as well as other human tragedies) to push their agenda forward. Images of dying Jewish children are plastered next to images of dying factory farmed animals.

A website dedicated to “ethical veganism”

it is still propagating the same animal

even has an article in which they say the

comparisons that were used to oppress

following words: “The WWII Holocaust is

Jews. Not only does this contribute to my

barely a drip in the bucket when compared

own burnout as an activist, but it makes me

to what we do to animals each, and every

resistant to introducing other Jews (or any

year.” On top of this, comparing Jews to non-

non-white members of my social groups) to

human animals was one of the methods of

veganism when the mainstream movement

dehumanizing us to make systematic

has no problem using our death and pain as

extermination possible. While it is worth

means to their ends, but then is silent when

noting that it is the oppression of non-

tragedy strikes in our community.

human animals that makes this possible,

- DIANA LEE

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Mainstream veganism is frustrating for many reasons, and it definitely contributes to my burnout.

I understand completely that the animals

this planet are the animals. I agree, the

are central to veganism, but I also consider

animals are going through hell every day,

myself a vegan that is consistent anti-

but when we say things like this while

oppression, which means I consider

people are dying and being tortured in war

oppression full circle, not just the animals.

torn countries, we're erasing them and their

When I see Holocaust comparisons, rape

situations. Saying things like that in my

comparisons, anger towards slaughter

community would cite me as a speciesist and

house workers, etc., it really makes me feel

would mean I care more about humans than

frustrated and upset. As a woman of colour

animals, which is so untrue. Dealing with

who is neurodivergent, being active in the

people who aren’t neurodivergent, who also

vegan community can be very

aren’t consistent anti-oppression, in itself, is

overwhelming, especially when it comes to

a task. I feel it’s hard to do activism in my

speaking my mind. I feel like a lot of the time

own community because finding people who

I'm not allowed to truly say how I feel about

think like I do is not easy, and I'm truly

things because I try to consider all aspects

hoping to find more people on the same

of oppression, and according to mainstream

page to do equal, fair, and full circle anti-

veganism, the most oppressed beings on

oppression activism together.

- JASMINE METCAF

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Clearly, the above experiences are examples

Apart from educating ourselves with

of issues that we need to address within the

resources, such as the Vegan Bill of

vegan movement in order to ensure that

Consistent Anti-Oppression

veganism is effective towards its goals

(consistentantioppression.com), Veganism

as a movement centred, not on us, but on non-human animal liberation from human supremacy. With this note, I’d like to also ask you to consider that if we could communicate clearly with the billions of

in an Oppressive World, Food Justice: A Primer, the Vegans of Color Conference Talks (veganismofcolor.com), and numerous other works that are widely available to help you continue to make connections, you can begin with also learning to listen with intent

non-humans exploited and killed under

and working against our discomfort of

human supremacy, how would our activism

unlearning oppressions.

add to their struggles and burnout? Would they feel empowered and safe being represented in a movement dedicated to advocating for larger cages or would they choose a movement firmly grounded in their

With that in mind, Steven Saranga, M.Sc. in Counselling Psychology has provided the following advice to help us understand these concepts and why they matter as someone coming from a place of privilege.

absolute liberation? As a marginalized person, I like to think that they’d prefer

When You’re Part of the Problem

my having an anti-speciesist stance aware of the interconnections of how they are

By Steven Saranga

unwilling victims, but also used as tools

As I navigate the world of veganism, I’m

to otherize and oppress human groups.

saddened by encounters with every other

Without this understanding, we are merely

form of oppression that exists. I’ve come to

working towards a movement that lacks the

terms with the fact that veganism does not,

awareness and understanding to raise the

by default, absolve one of being racist,

voices of non-humans. Due to this, it is vital

sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, ableist,

that each and every one of us understands

transphobic, classist, anti-semitic, sizeist,

that when we refuse to listen and practice consistent anti-oppression, we exclude

etc. Unfortunately, it doesn’t even mean that a vegan isn’t speciesist.

marginalized communities from including

The reality that we must understand is that

non-human rights in their own fight

unchecked oppressions cause great

for justice.

amounts of stress, suffering, pain, and, of

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course, burnout for those who are members

accidents happen and the responsible party

of any of the given marginalized groups. We

has to make the situation right by paying for

must also recognize that regardless of the

the damage done (or having adequate

marginalized group(s) we may be members

insurance to do so). They can’t say “I’m not

of, we are also likely in at least another

responsible because I was intending to get

group that is privileged. Therefore, I’d like to

to work.” I suppose one could say that, but

offer some ways in which we, as vegans, can

we all know this would be unacceptable. So,

become a more supportive, inclusive, and

how do we, in a privileged position, now

ultimately, effective group through

manage the discomfort with the knowledge

awareness and work.

that we have inadvertently caused harm?

As a Licensed Mental Health Counsellor, I

One choice, that I see being used way too

can affirm that, nothing works for everyone,

often, is to become defensive and deny that

and what works for me, may not work for

we’ve done anything wrong. This goes hand

you. Since each individual must find what

in hand with blaming the offended for being

works for them, I’m going to focus on those

too sensitive, taking it the wrong way, not

of us in privileged groups and how we can

understanding our point, and other

work to reduce, and hopefully avoid,

gaslighting tactics. It’s vital that you work

creating stress for those who would be our

towards REJECTING this option! Instead,

comrades, if we weren’t building walls and

take a moment to calm your mind

pushing them away.

(mindfulness meditation can be helpful here, if you’re into it!). Try that or maybe

The first step towards accomplishing this is becoming aware of the difference between intent and impact. Most of us view ourselves as good people who do not purposefully harm others, yet we sometimes do just that.

take a few deep breaths. Basically, try whatever it takes to put some space between the stimulus that upset you (in this case, being told you have caused harm to someone) and your response.

In these times, our intent may actually have even been to do something with the hope of

Remember, regardless of intention, you’ve

harm reduction/elimination. However, the

harmed someone else so focusing on your

impact of our action was harmful. An

discomfort is not the right thing to do. Learn

example I often use with my clients is that

to be uncomfortable and sit with that

every morning across the globe millions of

discomfort for a while. Next, listen to what

people get into their vehicles with the

the person has said. Do not interrupt the

intention of getting to work. Nevertheless,

explanation of the harm you’ve done with a

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non-apology, an “oh, I get it now so you can stop explaining”, “I’m sorry if you feel I upset you, but…”, or anything of the sort. Listen to all of it, and then do your best to reflect back what you just heard, making sure to specifically acknowledge the take away parts that you need to work on yourself.

However, we must remember that we cannot feel entitled to a full lesson at the person’s expense. If someone does take the time to explain something to you, listen, and then continue learning from the myriad of resources available online. If possible,

It’s important to note that being called out is not shaming either.

treating this person from a marginalized group to a virtual coffee or paying for their labour is the right thing to do. These conversations and experiences can be emotionally taxing to those that have these interactions constantly.

Regardless, even if you disagree, if you’ve offended someone over an experience or form of oppression that you have no direct experience with, your opinion on this matter is not important. I know, I know…now I’m offending you by negating your opinion. It hurts, doesn’t it? Now sit with that and realize this is exactly what you’re doing when you engage in defensive behaviours when called out on something you’ve done.

It’s important to note that being called out is not shaming either. Writing it off to claiming you have been shamed is defensiveness and an inaccurate perception due to the discomfort that you are experiencing.

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Once we’re able to truly listen to others

ABOUT

about how we affect them, we can begin to

Julia Feliz Brueck is a decade long vegan,

dismantle systems of oppression and root

mother of two, scientist, and published

issues. Putting in the work, becoming

author and illustrator. She is also the

aware, educating ourselves, and being

founder of Sanctuary Publishers, a

committed to learning will mean that we can

vegan book publisher that gives back

be more efficient allies (a title given to us by

to marginalized communities with every

others) and help members within the vegan

book sold. Published under the Sanctuary

community and beyond to avoid burnout.

Publishers label, sales from Julia’s most

Along with this, the more we work towards

recent books, The Baby and Toddler

taking down other forms of oppression that

Vegan Feeding Guide and Veganism in

we have a hand in because of our privileges,

an Oppressive World, help support the

the more effective our movement will be.

work of Chilis on Wheels and the Food Empowerment Project. Julia is also the founder of VeganismOfColor.com and co-writer of the Vegan Bill for Consistent Anti-Oppression, ConsistentAntiOppression.com. � juliafeliz.com � sanctuarypublishers.com �

sanctuarypublishers

�

sanctuary_publishers

REFERENCES 1. Consistent Anti-Oppression.

Retrieved 29 November 2018 from http://www.consistentantioppression.com 2.

Spoon Theory.

Retrieved 29 November 2018 from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Spoon_theory

FOCUS ISSUE 14 26

ACTIVISM

The Loss of An Animal DISMANTLING THE PERFECTION OF GRIEF WORDS BY ZOE PELED | ILLUSTRATION BY MONIKA ANDREKOVIĆ

Surprisingly, to some folks, I don’t cry easily. Taking into

The lack of tears? That could be due to many factors. As animal activists (and as any individual who expresses emotion over

account some of the things that

animals knows all too well), we are often

I see on a regular basis (and

reminded to avoid being overly sentimental.

We are told to withhold our feelings, stop

have seen), this shouldn’t really

making it personal, remember that it’s the

be the tendency. As an animal

circle of life, and accept that it’s all part of

activist, I have spent over nine years bearing witness to some

the natural food chain (or insert-yourfavourite-anti-vegan-sentiment-here).

I have seen all of the images.

of the most horrendous things I have seen all of the videos.

that human beings consistently inflict on the animals we share the planet with.

I have purposely unblocked the visuals that Facebook, Instagram, and other social media channels are now brilliantly curating

FOCUS ISSUE 14 28

(censoring), in an attempt to keep the

The rescue itself, on that night, was a

realities of the animal industries at bay.

success.

Rest assured: there is response, there is emotion, there is action. These are translated into outreach, activism, and building awareness. Whilst there is emotion, it is expressed very selectively; never in a public setting, if at all. Years of sitting behind the screen watching these images loop, years of conditioning, years of reminding myself not to be overly sentimental, have kept the tears at bay.

That is, until Peony.

P made herself right at home. Quickly, she was befriended by two dogs who coveted her and shadowed her every move. My armpit was her preferred sleeping location, presumably due to the fact that she was seeking out the heat that would have otherwise been provided under her mother’s wing. Riding around on my shoulder came in second for her favourite place to rest, and, to ensure she had maximum opportunities for body heat, P ended up travelling most

Looping images, conditioning, and my

places with me, including work and

personal internal reminders were no

social engagements.

match for the one of a kind of loss, the familiar grief, and the punch-in-thestomach sensation that comes with one of the animal activist’s biggest losses: the death of a rescue animal.

Peony, also affectionately known as P, landed in my hands this summer as a baby chicken, just a few days old. At her age, she still should have been with her mother.

However, due to the demands of the egg

Not too long after her rescue, a new home was secured for her, a place of refuge, where her destiny would be redefined, and so would she. Her life here would be based on her inherent right to live out an existence free of human misuse, abuse, and, ultimately, her death at the hands of the industry.

The Personality of P

and chicken industries, she was already

P’s voice was tremendous. She chose to not

next in line to join the production team.

be quiet a lot of the time, unless she was

Her destiny was pointing her towards the

asleep in my hand or armpit. She spoke her

egg industry, or that of a broiler chicken

mind frequently, and (as any new parent

being raised for meat. So, I made the

knows) may have been on the receiving end

(unplanned, yet necessary) choice to

of some early morning profanities.

remove her from the situation.

Thankfully, it quickly became normalized,

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and was background noise in the house within a few days. That was until the Thursday morning when I came home to facilitate transport to her refuge, and her voice was silent.

There is no protocol that instructs us on what to do while we are waiting for news regarding a sick animal. There is no perfect set of steps a human can do to navigate the incredible loss of control or lack of ability to help in any capacity.

P was lying on the bottom of her box. She was flat on her stomach, and was breathing so infrequently, I assumed she was dead the moment I found her. Within minutes, fuelled by adrenaline and not much of anything else that I can recall, we were in a cab, P was in my shirt to keep warm, and I was trying to haphazardly advise the driver on the best driving routes to get us to the vet as soon as possible. Of course, the whole time I was also perfectly aware that I was crying, a fact that I was trying my best to ensure the driver wouldn’t realize.

P, explained the vet, was a runt. This was evident by the proportion of P’s body to her feet. P’s internal organs were damaged and her digestive tract wasn’t functioning properly. While she could eat, the systems to absorb the food properly and have her reap the nutritional components were broken.

Most importantly, her liver was distended, and had started to bleed out.

At this point, any attempts to suppress emotion, control them, or not let anyone around me see them, were completely and utterly futile. The vet explained that the next few hours would be touch and go, and

FOCUS ISSUE 14 30

advised me to leave, while committing to

transfusion she couldn’t get any medication

keeping me informed of any and all changes.

for. Her body was simply too small.

There is no protocol that instructs us on

With sick animals, you never expect anything

what to do while we are waiting for news

to stay the same for a long period of time.

regarding a sick animal. There is no perfect

You’re on tenterhooks, and you’re prepared

set of steps a human can do to navigate the

to be celebrating, or gutted and grieving, at

incredible loss of control or lack of ability to

any moment. Of course, when the vet called

help in any capacity.

me that afternoon and asked me to come in, I knew which one to prepare for.

Subsequently, the next twenty four hours were an amalgamation of walking, walking more, standing by the phone as a tiny weekold-chicken was filled with oxygen and a slew of medications, walking more, letting the dogs out, checking my bank balance to ensure my credit card had more space, cleaning the wood chips out of P’s box so it was ready for her return, and standing

The Loss of P P was in a closed transparent box, which was constantly being filled with oxygen, the most efficient option for an animal (baby) of her size. There was a cluster of fleece scraps hung in one corner of the box, which served as her surrogate mother, and seemed to offer some comfort.

in a eerily quiet house waiting for the incessant sound of chirping to return again.

We sat together for over an hour. She moved

Against the odds, P survived the night. This

back and forth between her fleece mother

was a feat, and in the afternoon, things took

(eyes closed), and the side of the box (eyes

a dramatic turn. In a Gastown courtyard,

open) to glance at me and offer a knowing

I offered a verbal consent to a blood transfusion, all whilst being aware it was potentially futile. Surviving the blood transfusion would be another feat.

Against the odds (again), P survived the blood transfusion. This was impressive for many reasons. However, the one that speaks

nod. We shared these moments, through this transparent plexiglass box, and a few hours later, P peacefully fell asleep at 4AM and left us.

This is when the grief really hits, and this is when you experience emotions and tears in a very poignant way.

the most to her strength was that she lived

There were tears of sadness, anger,

through the procedure and the pain from a

frustration, and utter disbelief. There were

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tears of confusion and bitterness. There was

my strong reaction, and didn’t know quite

no censoring, and there was no attempt to

what to do with me.

hide them. I cried in the vet’s office, in the cab on the way home, while buying dog food, and while sitting in the house with a table full of new supplies for a baby chicken.

Every note of resilience I had been holding on to as an animal activist, notes which I fully understood were expected of me, were exceptionally challenging to maintain.

There were tears of loss. There were tears for the sense of injustice, in removing an animal from a volatile situation, rescuing them successfully, and still losing them.

There were tears for the complete sense of having no control, to have lost a life that was doomed from the minute it began, already maimed by the industry, and broken at birth.

The death of a rescue animal: we call this a punch-in-the-stomach sensation, is a different kind of grief. It is a loss that makes no sense, cannot be justified, is seeped in

The Lessons of P When we lose an animal, there is no perfect solution to navigating grief. Grief is something that we all experience differently, and it’s imperative that we are permitted to do so. Within the animal rights community, we encounter loss on a regular basis, and in varying amounts. Identifying the emotional capacity needed to process this is not only important, it is also crucial for longevity and wellness.

injustice, and leaves an overwhelming sense

Respecting these processes doesn’t mean

of defeat.

that we are all over sentimentalizing the

Many people around me knew about P. Not many people around me quite knew how to react to this story, to this grief, to this loss; nor did they comprehend its magnitude. I shared her story with a few different groups of friends and supporters; with a wide range

situation. However, it does shift another aforementioned criticism of animal activists: we make it too personal. In actuality, it is personal, and that is one of the reasons we are constantly spurned to do this work and continue, even while navigating hardships.

of reactions. On one side, I had friends from

As there is no perfect solution to navigating

across Canada and the U.S.A. (who I had

grief, there is no perfect conclusion to P’s

never met) that were sending notes of

story. There is no perfect reason as to why

support; on the other side, I had friends who

I found her, why she was rescued, and why

heard her story, were clearly perplexed by

she died.

FOCUS ISSUE 14 32

There is opportunity, however, in speaking about her. There is opportunity in sharing her story, acknowledging the fact that there are millions of others like her, and above all: strength in creating an identity for her and acknowledging she was an individual, and not a number, product, or commodity.

Crying for P, and expressing emotion, has not made me any less of an animal activist, nor has it muted my voice or credibility in any way. Within all activism circles (and outside of them), we need to acknowledge our capacity to feel, recognize that it’s not detrimental, and have no shame in doing so.

Speaking to the majority, when a human

ABOUT

Zoe Peled became vegetarian at a very young age, and has been vegan for almost nine years. She received her BFA in Photography from Emily Carr University, with additional studies in Critical Theory, examining the positioning and terminology around animals.

Her personal studies continue to examine the role of animal welfare and animal/human relationships; which has led her to both speaking engagements and internationally published work (Antennae Journal

grieves for a human, they are comforted.

of Nature in Visual Culture, U.K.).

When a human grieves for an animal

Currently, she sits on the Board for

(especially one that is not a dog or cat),

Liberation BC, and founded the

they are questioned. May this be a call

Vancouver Vegan Resource Centre

to action to offer the same in both

(VVRC) in 2018.

circumstances: an ear, support, an

ďż˝

openness to understanding, and, above all: accepting that grief happens, will happen, and does not need to be decorated with a lofty meaning. It just needs to be respected, navigated, and experienced.

33 ISSUE 14 TOFUMAGAZINE.COM

@zoemarg

FOCUS ISSUE 14 34

From the Ashes As always, I hope you found something to encourage a change within through these pieces. Whether it’s the courage you need to take care of yourself for a bit or the push to step back out into the community, ideally you’re in a better place now than when you started reading.

If not, then I hope these stories showed you that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and seeking support from others to get back on-track only helps to benefit both you and the ones you’re fighting for.

As Michelle mentioned in her interview, you’re not alone.

Together, if we learn to be more honest about our needs and support the needs of others, we can move away from burning out to focus on burning down the things that have to go.

Until next time,

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ISSUE 14 36

ThankyouforreadingthispreviewofT.O.F.U.#14.

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