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An Introduction: It is a question as old as time. Which do I pick the bikini or the brief ? The satin or the cotton? With so many styles and options it is easy to feel trapped and overwhelmed. Think of this book as an educational Xanax, here to help you navigate your way to underwear pro status. In no time, you will be able to distinguish the tanga from the g-string. You will receive specific tactics to finding out her “real size,� as well as style selection tips to prevent the dreaded smack across the face.
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5-9
A BRIEF HISTORY
11-15
HOW TO AVOID BEING SLAPPED
16-21
TERMINOLOGY
22-25
FINDING OUT HER REAL SIZE
FLOW CHART TYPES OF GIRLS
SPECIFIC STYLES MATCHING BRAS AND PANTIES
THE SNOOP MEASURING GUIDE
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IT’S CLICHE WE KNOW, BUT SIMILAR TO ANY task, before you can know where you’re going, you must first know where you came from. Allow us to give you a short, but informative, history lesson on the world of women’s underwear and the changes and fads that have come and gone.
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THE CORSET 1600
FIRST KNOWN AS “PAIRS OF BODIES.” They were intended for flattening the bust, and worn underneath another bodice typically made from burckran, reed, canes, and whale bone. Can you say painful? It isn’t exactly the sexy little thing you have seen in the burlesque movies, is it?
THE HEALTHY CORSET 1800
DUE TO WORLD -WIDE FAINTING, a change had to be made to the original corset design from the 1600s, which was much too restrictive. Inez Gaches-Sarraute invented the “health corset” which enabled women to take full, deep breaths while still providing them with the proper support and comfort.
THE SOFTER SIDE 1740
THE TOUCH THE FEEL OF COTTON. The invention of the spinning jenny and the cotton gin not only helped the South’s economy but also brought a smile to the world of women’s undergarments. Mass production made cotton more accessible and women began buying their underwear in stores.
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THE UNION SUIT 1868
COME ONE, COME ALL AND SUIT UP in the union suit, that is. This one piece front buttoning undergarment could be worn by man, woman, or child and was usually made from a knitted material with sleeves that extended to the wrists and down to the ankles.
HANES COMPANY 1900
AS TEXTILE TECHNOLOGY BEGAN to boom, the Hanes company began to flourish in the U.S. Production that once took days, now only took minutes. This period also signified the end of the corset as mainstream.
BRILLIANT BRASSIERE 1913
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT simply tying two handkerchiefs would produce such a piece of clothing that would be worn by women worldwide. New York socialite, Mary Phelps Jacob, was the first woman to successfully market this invention.
FASHION FORWARD 1912
THE UNITED STATES RECEIVES ITS first professional underwear designer. Lindsay “Layneau” Boudreaux founded the company Layneau. Though it was short-lived, it began to stir up a revolution in manufacturing.
THE UNION SUIT 1920
SHOWING LEG BECAME A MORE common occurrence in women’s fashion. In order to keep an inkling of modesty, women began wearing stockings as bloomers and dresses became shorter for more flexibility and comfort.
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A ABC’S OF BRASSIERES 1932
IN OCTOBER, THE S.H. CAMP & CO. correlated the size and pendulousness of a woman’s breasts to letters of the alphabet, A, B, C, and D. The band sizes only went up to 38 and were not intended for larger busted women. Britain did not take up the American cup size system until later in 1950s.
FASHION FTW 1950
COLORS AND PRINTS ALL OVER THE place. As underwear began to be seen as an article of fashion, manufacturers started experimenting with a variety of materials like Dacron, Nylon, and Spandex.
RETURN OF THE CORSET 1930
WOMEN DECIDED TO BRING BACK the corset on their own terms. This time, they rid it of the whale bone and metal that was previously used for support. They also rebranded the article, and it became known as either the “waspie” or “girdle.”
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IT’S NO WONDER 1960
THE WONDERBRA SHIFTS THE FOCUS from the waist to the chest. The lower region begins to shift as well with the introduction of the hip-hugger and the bikini.
THONG SONG 1990
SISCO KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS going on. By the dawn of the nineties, the thong had become one of the most widely sold articles of women’s underwear in the United States of America.
PEAK POINT 1970s-80s
UNDERWEAR IS NO LONGER about comfort and durability. It was all about being trendy. Sex appeal became an increasing factor in sales and advertising.
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yes
Do you really want to pay for someone else’s good time?
Go with something that will accentuate her body in club attire: plunge bra and a g-string.
yes
Sorority girls?
She’s normal buy her something to stand out like a fun flashy pattern yes
not at all, she was doing mission work
>6mo.
How long have been togethe
no
Was it at the mall?
Have kids?
yes
yes
Did the other girls she was with look just like her? RUN! Do not walk away from cult!
yes
WWJD?
Where did you meet?
>5yr.
no
Twins?
bar
other
no
gym
How drunk was she?
sloppy
<1mo.
Good for you, just know they HATE matching outfits.
Like before she leaves she brushes her teeth with a bottle of jack?
Not here to judge but thought about choco
She will want something comfortable that breathes try a polyester classic brief with a sports bra.
barely
no
Track suits involved?
She’s fun but not the life of the party, go casual with a push up or a bralette
Good for you, just know they LOVE matching outfits.
Make a habit of buying things you don’t need?
Was it at Victoria’s Secret?
no
yes
Trying to make some? But seriously, if you want something nice for a night of romance we suggest a black lace teddy.
no
Be clas is alw
have you olates?
yes
you er?
please
Look at your life, look at your choices. This just screams restraining order.
who the F*** is she? e-mail your answer to hopeless@underseur.com
yes/no no
Now that’s just creepy. Try again when you have a girlfriend.
yes
yes
Is this a wedding present for a friend?
no
Is she an ex?
no
in any way related to you?
yes
ssy, white lace ways in style .
no
yes
Forget it. She doesn’t have time. Go with cotton.
Did she break up with you?
*
Under no circumstances are you allowed to ask the sales associate to model the underwear for you because she “is about your girlfriend’s size.”
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THE SORORITY GIRL
She’s perky and fun, yet can be catty. By day, she’s casual in her sorority shirt, dolphin shorts and uggs; by night, she transforms into a goddess ready to go out on the town. Make sure you embrace the multiple sides of her personality.
We suggest: boyshorts with a pushup.
THE ATHLETIC TYPE
She’s fun-loving. She can run to places faster than you can drive. She would rather wear a T-shirt and tack pants than anything else, and she would probably be able do an Ironman in the next few years.
We suggest: sports bra or soft cup with a classic brief.
THE TREE HUGGER
She’s a free spirit, you probably met her at a concert, and the two of your felt an instant connection, deeper than any you’ve ever felt. She doesn’t get caught up in what she is and isn’t supposed to do.
We suggest: why try to change her? she doesn’t wear underwear.
THE PLAIN JANE
She is the quintessential wallflower, who is completely content on blending into the background. Though she is quiet, she has a heart of gold which she shares with the people she is closest to.
We suggest: neutral with little pattern: a bralette and hipsters.
THE KE$HA
She’s wild and likes to play by her own rules. She can drink any one of your boys under the table and is always down for a party. She likes to glam it up and be the center of attention.
We suggest: animal print with a plunge bra and a g-string.
THE EXECUTIVE
She’s climbing her way up the corporate ladder and into the beds of the top executives. Just kidding. Anyway, she’s refined and needs something that can work both professionally and casually.
We suggest: convertible bra and a thong.
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TERMINOLOGY
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BRAS BRALETTE GENERALLY AN UNLINED, & WIRE
PUSH-UP BRA LIFTS AND PUSHES A WOMAN’S
free pullover style, that provides very little support. Often used as training bra.
breasts closer together for “cleavage enhancement.”
CONVERTIBLE BRA HAS STRAPS THAT MAY BE
an under wire support system but that relies on the strength of the underband to provide support.
detached and rearranged in different ways depending on the neckline and/or back of an outfit.
SPORTS BRA
PLUNGE BRA WORN WITH LOW-CUT BLOUSES,
FIRST INTENDED TO PREVENT discomfort and breast movement during exercise.
dresses, or sweaters; bra plunges down between woman’s two breasts.
DEMI BRA
WATER BRA FILLED WITH WATER OR SILICONE-
A HALF-CUP BRA STYLE WITH WIDE set straps and a horizontal bust line; allows one to wear low-cut garments.
STRAPLESS NO SHOULDER STRAP SUPPORT; designed for wear with sleeveless clothing.
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SOFTCUP BRA BRA THAT DOES NOT CONTAIN
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gel-filled cups to make ones breasts look larger. Air bras are made using a similar concept.
PANTIES CLASSIC BRIEF MOST KNOWN FOR THEIR FULL
HIPSTERS VERY SIMILAR TO CLASSIC BRIEF
coverage of the rear. Rise up to or just below the navel and sides extend to just below the hip.
but are worn lower than briefs; waistband lies around the hips as side extend out at a diagonal.
HIGH CUT BRIEF SIMILAR TO CLASSIC BRIEFS
BIKINIS MEANT TO BE WORN AT THE HIPS;
but the sides are somewhat narrower and the waist band sits higher.
fabric at the sides is narrower; most widely worn among women world wide
BOYSHORTS THESE BRIEFS WERE STYLED
TANGAS
after men’s and have short legs that extend from crotch for smoothing and shaping legs.
PROVIDE FULL REAR COVERAGE; but the waistband reduces to a narrow strip at the sides; a predecessor to the thong.
G-STRING
THONGS CROTCH EXTENDS TO THE BACK
THONG WITH VIRTUALLY NO REAL coverage, also known as dental floss.
CONTROL BRIEFS RISING ABOVE THE WAIST
with a narrow strip of fabric, which becomes wider at the top, fitting between the buttocks.
these panties were designed for support and to give a slimmer appearance.
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PUSH-UP & TANGA
BRALETTE & BOYSHORTS
CONVERTABLE & HIPSTERS
PLUNGE & G-STRING
DEMI & THONG
please
SOFT CUP & HIGH-RISE
STRAPLESS & LOW-RISE
SPORT BRA & CLASSIC
WATER-BRA & BIKINI
The pairings listed are simply our suggestions. Other combinations do in fact exist.
*
Except for the high rise brief; these, though they worked out for Bridget Jones, can mean death to onesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; sex life.
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KEEP IN MIND THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO FIND OUT YOUR woman’s size. However, one thing is certain; you probably shouldn’t guess. If the size is too big, then your woman will think that you think she’s fat. If the size is too small, then her ego will be spared, but she will have to endure her bottom’s discomfort from the constant wedgies. The easiest technique to determine size is to snoop.
WHAT TO SAY if you get caught
1 My slingshot broke
HOW TO SNOOP SNOOPING CONSISTS OF WAITING UNTIL SHE is out of the house, then approaching the infamous panty drawer. Every girl has one. It’s usually one of the top drawers in the dresser. Here, you will gently remove an article at a time, remembering this is not the quintessential panty raid of your boyhood dreams. Be sure to check the size of multiple garments; you want to determine the most common size. Women like to lie to themselves, even if lying means they will never be able to comfortably wear the article of clothing they purchased.
2 I haven’t done my laundry in weeks.
3 Don’t act like you’ve never tried to rob a bank.
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If your snooping is unsuccessful, then you can pull out the tape measure and apply these tried and true techniques. The diagrams below will show you where and how to measure to figure out her exact size.
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BRAS STEP 1
Measure loosely around the fullest part of her bust, with the tape straight across and around her back, bringing it to the front–sort of like you are about to go around a maypole.
STEP 2
Subtract her band measurement (see step 1) from her bust measurement. The difference calculates her bra size, with each inch representing a increment in cup size. EXAMPLE: You measure a 34 inch
PANTIES Sized differently by brand, some by hip and some by waist.
STEP 3
Measure around her “natural waist.” Make sure you measure with a snug fit. Just make sure it is not snug enough that she feels like someone is attacking her while she sleeps.
STEP 4
Then measure the fullest part of the hips. Make sure you measure on a horizontal line around the body; if necessary, break out the T-square.
band size, and a 36 inch bust size. The difference is 2, indicating a B cup.
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COLOPHON The Underseur is meant to be a satirical guide for helping men purchase underwear for the women in their lives. It uses the typefaces Sentinel and Knockout by Hoefler & Frere-Jones. The mixture of the slab serif and san serif provide a nice contrast and rhythm throughout the pages of this book. All of the illustrations and body copy were generated by Parvaneh Toghiani. The photographs shown were taken by Cole Whitworth under the art direction of Parvaneh Toghiani.
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