OUT OF THE WOODS ETHIC: THE MANUAL
GOOD
BAD
INTRODUCTION IN AN AGE OF SUPERMALLS AND PLAYSTATIONS AND NETFLIX IT SEEMS NOTHING IS STOPPING THE SWATHES OF OUTDOOR ENTHUSIASTS FROM CARELESSLY EXPERIENCING THE PERILS AND DISCOMFORT OF NATURE. THAT’S WHERE WE COME IN.
WHAT IS THIS? This compelling and illuminating document has been created to educate and inspire new E.T.H.I.C agents operating in the field. If you should find yourself in a sticky outdoor situation do not panic, this document is your defence. Indoor simulator.
1) 2) 3)
Open book. Flip out side pages, with us so far? Good! Place book over your head, think of home.
ETHIC
Alternative uses.
Insect eliminator
Call for backup
Escape reality
INDOOR BENEFITS IT’S NOT OUTSIDE FULLY CUSTOMISABLE TEMPERATURE PERSONAL SPACE ROOF BUG BARRIERS (WINDOWS/DOORS) IT’S NOT OUTSIDE THICK PILE CARPET SOFT FURNISHING GUARANTEED IT WON’T RAIN ELEVATORS SAFE FROM PREDATORS FILTERED AIR WI-FI NO SUNBURN COMFY BEDS 0 CHANCES OF GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING ADJUSTABLE LIGHTING INSTANT DRINKABLE WATER CIVILISED INTERACTIONS CONTROLLABLE SMELLS PLENTY OF SHADE COSY AND STERILE ENVIRONMENT REDUCE CO2 EMISSIONS – SAVING THE PLANET ICE CREAM DOESN’T MELT AS FAST MINIMAL UV AGING EFFECTS ANY OR NO CLOTHING IS COMFORTABLE REDUCES CRIME RATES EASY TO NAVIGATE. CONSISTENCY. MINIMAL CHANCE OF PERSPIRATION MORE FREE TIME LESS CHANCE OF INJURY
OUTDOOR BENEFITS
WE ARE MADE
FOR THE INDOORS
HAIR WARMS WHERE CLOTHING DOESN´T REACH. EYESIGHT RANGE OPTIMAL AT 0.2 - 6M
(AVERAGE SCREEN DISTANCE)
SKIN SUITED TO DRY ENVIRONMENTS. (MISHAPES WHEN WET)
SOFT POSTERIOR COMPATIBLE WITH SIMILAR MATERIALS
SLIM FINGERS ADAPTED TO CONTROL INTRICATE OBJECTS. OBJECT (INTRICATE)
MINIMAL BODY HAIR WORKS IN TANDEM WITH CENTRAL HEATING.
PERFECT ANGLE FOR SEATING*.
FEET DESIGNED FOR CARPET BASED TERRAIN. * How many comfortable chairs do you see outdoors? Exactly.
Outdoor Sports related Injuries WHY INSIDE? This is the inside scoop, cold hard facts that outdoor addicts will not be able to argue with – and if they do, argue back.
OUTDOORS
INDOORS
HOW INDOOR-TIME EFFECTS HAPPINESS 100
HUMAN TO BUG RATIO
HAPPINESS
90 80 70 60
= ONE
50
= LOTS
40 30 20 10 0
TIME SPENT INDOORS (HOURS)
COMFORT VS LOCATION 5
Where have the greatest human ideas occured?
4.5
AXIS TITLE
4
100 90 80 70 60
3.5 3
SERIES 1
2.5
SERIES 2
2 1.5
50 40
1
30 20
0.5
10
0
0
INDOORS
OUTDOORS
• Data bias due to Mountain Peak resemblance
THE OUTDOOR IS ADDICTIVE
HOW TO SPOT AN OUTDOOR ADDICT
The most addictive substance on earth… fresh air. Red cheeks
Muddy shoes
Shoes
“I was strung out back then, if I wasn’t high up on a mountain I was high from adrenaline. I couldn’t help myself, even at work I would sneak out to nearby parks or for a stroll round the block. It took over my life, at one point I was even trying to drag the wife and kids out with me. No one ever told me how damaging the outdoors is, I guess I found out the hard way”.
Constricted pupils
“Outdoor aura”
NOT-indoor clothes
A really uncomplicated six step acronym that is really easy to remember and very effective it’s really simple just six simple steps or letters that actually also spell out house which is one our favourite things so there you go just remember the acronym below and easily identify people who for some reason like the outdoors.
E.T.H.I.C I.T.T (IMAGE INTERPRETATION TEST)
4) 5)
THERE’S NOWHERE TO SIT DOWN AHH MY EYES!
We have been brainwashed to think the outside is a peaceful, fun and magical place – as you now know this is not the case. Look at the images below and circle which phrase best fits your gut reaction.
6) LOOKS LIKE A BEAU TIFUL PAINTING
1) PRIME SHOPPING 4) THERE’S NOWHERE CENTRE SPACE TO SIT DOWN 2) LOOKS VERY UNCOM 5) AHH MY EYES! FORTABLE 3) RAIN CLOUDS, DEFI 6) LOOKS LIKE A NITELY RAIN CLOUDS BEAUTIFUL PAINING
1)
LOOKS COSY
4) 2) ENGINEERING GENIUS 5) 3) STURDY LOOKING WALLS, VERY 6) NICE.
I HOPE THIS WAS PLACED OVER A NATURE RESERVE. MY SAFE PLACE. THESE PLACES SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME.
* If you answered 6 on any of the I.I.T’s please seek hand back your E.T.H.I.C guide and seek a psychological assessment.
E.T.H.I.C I.T.T (IMAGE INTERPRETATION TEST)
4) 5)
THERE’S NOWHERE TO SIT DOWN AHH MY EYES!
We have been brainwashed to think the outside is a peaceful, fun and magical place – as you now know this is not the case. Look at the images below and circle which phrase best fits your gut reaction.
6) LOOKS LIKE A BEAU TIFUL PAINTING
1)
LOOKS FREEZING.
1)
EVER HEARD OF INDOOR POOLS.
2)
SHARKS LIVE IN THE SEA.
2)
THIS IS WHERE FISH PEE.
3)
SAND. GETS. EVERYWHERE.
3)
SO PRETTY.
1) WOW. 2) WHY WOULD ANYONE GO CAMP ING WITH ACCOMMODATION LIKE THIS.
1)
I BET ITS EVEN NICER INSIDE.
2)
A THING OF BEAUTY.
3) I FEEL SORRY FOR THE PHO TOGRAPHER.
3)
THE FLOWERS ARE NICE.
* If you answered 6 on any of the I.I.T’s please seek hand back your E.T.H.I.C guide and seek a psychological assessment.
NATURE HAS NO INFRASTRUCTURE
Dear Sir/Madam, I writing to emplore that you ban/enclose/demolish this outdoor space at: __________________________________________________. The outdoors is a burden on our society, it offers nothing but discomfort, uncontrollable situations and is a general waste of time. Did you know most crime occurs outside? Have you ever heard of an indoor police chase or pick pockets operating in your own home. No? I rest my case. I mean have you ever been to the cinema or bowling, now that is time well spent. I am writing on behalf of the E.T.H.I.C worldwide organisation that strives to get the world indoors. I look forward to your reply. Yours sincerely ______________________
THE INSIDE IS CLEARLY A-MAZE-ING
THE E.T.H.I.C PLEDGE
I, ________, solemnly swear to uphold the E.T.H.I.C beliefs and to enforce informative and physical action in my local jurisdiction and the www. (world wide web). As an ambassador of E.T.H.I.C worldwide I will stand in the way of outside dangers, opposition from enthuasists and expose myself to near intolerable degrees of discomfort. For my friends, family and the future of human happiness. Signed ______________ Print ________________
CLOSING MESSAGE
E.T.H.I.C stands for happy indoor conformity. A state of mind that people all over the world aspire to – even if they aren’t aware of it yet they really do want a life inside. We’ve proved this in tests. You are the light through a dark forest or misty beach, the voice of reason at the park or the farmers market. You are a martyr of sorts, comfort and safety come second to the message. Live life indoors, always. For this we commend you and wish you well in your courageous endeavours in the field.
A POEM BY E.T.H.I.C LEADER
Inside is warm, cosy and nice. Nature nowhere - not even mice. The lighting here - I love the tungsten glow. Aircon, the hum, it soothes me so. A seal exists from the world outside, A life indoors, I think you must abide. So lock yourself in, have no fear, A 100% inside life – that’s worth a cheer.
GLOSSARY
Made by E.T.H.I.C interns Chris & Tom.