Jokes

102

Please mention The Sentinella when responding to adverts Jokes ha ha :)

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. “I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milkman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve, a smart arse like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody thing!" ————————————————————- Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' ————————————————————- An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?' 'Now what would you have said'?

To advertise call 664 210 468 or email sales@thesentinella.com 103

Jokes ha ha

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled............'For f*#k's sake ......... you should see the back of mine!!!' ------------------------------------------------------——- A blonde female motorist was on her way to the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man on the side of the road whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?' 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.' 'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.' 'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over - so now we're going to Sea World.’ ------------------------------------------------------——- A lady and baby go to the doctors, who is concerned about the baby´s weight. “Bottle or breast fed?” the doctor asked “Breast” replies the lady. The doctor asks the lady to strip to the waist and proceeds to massage her breasts, pinch her nipples and suck them. “No wonder the baby is underweight, you haven´t any milk!!” exclaims the doctor. “I know, I´m the baby´s granny, but I´m really glad I came!” ------------------------------------------------------——- A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand.” Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them. ————————————————————- Here is the latest recommendations for Public Health England- With the shortage of Lateral Flow Tests available, the Government are going to introduce a new “One minute self diagnostic” process. You put one finger in your mouth and one up your bottom. After 60 seconds swap fingers. If you can’t smell or taste the difference, then please isolate for 10 days