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) : a h a Jokes h A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears. "Come on man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. “I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milkman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve, a smart arse like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody thing!" ————————————————————Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any chemist. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' ————————————————————An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry
company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?' 'Now what would you have said'?
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