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Jokes
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A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7’ tall, 350lbs, 20” penis, 3lbs of testicles, Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you, little fellow?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me............I'm 7’ tall, I weigh 350lbs, I have a 20” penis, my testicles weigh 3lbs each and my name is Turner Brown.' The little white Irishman says, 'Turner Brown Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, turn around" *********** A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 'Try again' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day doing the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 'No,' she says, 'They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.' ********** Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in? GOD replies 'We are over our quota on travellers. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' No, the Pearly Gates'. ********** One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma...' And they say blondes are dumb... **********
What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
Jokes ha ha
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. The duck asks again, "With the big tent?" “Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says..."What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!" ********** A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." **********
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!" The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin."
********** Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" ********** What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
