6 minute read
Jokes
86
Advertisement
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.."Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his arse!"
*********** When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.’ I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 in the morning.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong??’ The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??’ The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
********** An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying Bi-planes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29 and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a real pilot.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.’
Jokes ha ha
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says, "I wanna open a f****** saving account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here." She goes to the bank manager to complain. The Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted. They both return to the window and ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The old man says "There is no f****** problem, I just won €200 million on the f****** lottery & I want to put my f****** money in this f****** bank." The Manager replies "I see, And is this b***h giving you a f****** hard time sir?" ********** An attractive blonde from Dublin, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000€ on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don't know - I thought you were watching.” **********
The train was quite crowded and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, french woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.
********** A bloke in a Birmingham supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The bloke persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager 'Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the bloke went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' 'Cardiff, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Cardiff?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.' 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Cardiff.' 'You're kidding?' replied the boy. What position did she play?
