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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! She went completely ballistic. “You impotent pig,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!” The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.” ***************
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: “What happened?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.” The Doctor says: “I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?” The Doctor says: “The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!”
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, “Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen.” Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years.” ***************
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust “I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!”
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his bland English way, the officer informed the General that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers. ***************
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Jokes ha ha
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box!” The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!” The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!”
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential.”
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Paddy says “Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. “Don't do that” says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!”
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, “Send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “Send me your Mother.” What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and panic is when both are pregnant.
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?” The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.”
Boris Johnson has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.
Husband says to wife “My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight”. Wife says “Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change.”
