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) : a h a Jokes h There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! She went completely ballistic. “You impotent pig,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!” The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.”
takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, “Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen.” Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years.”
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks: “What happened?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.” The Doctor says: “I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?” The Doctor says: “The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!”
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his bland English way, the officer informed the General that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
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*************** A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust “I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!”
*************** I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
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